==== my letter to President Donald J. Trump ====
Dear President Trump,
I am tired of watching incompetent leadership and watch you hide behind tweets instead of taking responsibility for your actions … as well as your thoughts. I am also tired of your lack of leadership and seeming lack of desire to reach out to your ultimate responsibility – 330 million people or so <not just the ones who got up off their happy asses and voted for you>. And I am really tired of seeing you have no fucking idea how to do your job.
So, while I abhor almost every tactic you seem to want to do, let me tell you how to actually do what you want to do <so you can actually do your job>:
Immigration part 1: who we let in to USA.
The security of our people is utmost in my mind.
And I reviewed everything knowing that even if we do everything right there is no guarantee we will never have a terrorist succeed on American soil.
My 7 country ban, particularly Iraq where I — as commander in chief — have my soldiers fighting side by side with soldiers who have relatives who would like to come to the USA, was stupid.
Here is what is really going to happen.
There is no 7 country ban. In fact … we will never ban an entire country unless there is a specific threat identified.
I have reviewed the vetting process with regard to the people who we invite into our country to either work or stay with becoming a citizen in mind. Our vetting process is the toughest in the world. It takes almost 2 years and 7 agencies reviewing to allow someone’s ass into the USA.
It is also different than Europe’s in these ways <list them for people>.
Our comprehensive vetting conducted by the best professionals USA has to offer is the main reason our vetting process has never permitted a terrorist in through our immigration process since 2001.
I was dumb with regard to my recent “no one comes in for 90 days” because our vetting process really is pretty good despite what all those dishonest people in Congress have been fear-mongering telling you.
That doesn’t mean we will not make some minor adjustments to strengthen some of the potential loopholes but we will maintain our vigilant vetting process which Homeland security, the state department and other 5 departments associated with vetting have managed with excellence since 9/11.
We do need to make improvements on our Visa program.
We are making these three changes to our visa program <list them and explain them>.
- <I don’t know enough what to tell you to do … have one of your flunkies how misguided you on your current immigration plan figure it out>
I am going to limit the number of refugees and immigrants we permit into the country. By a lot. We will still permit some but not many – for a while. Here is what I want to do … I want to tie how many more people we will allow in to how many current illegal immigrants we deport or permit to stay. As the number of illegal immigrants in the United States declines, the number of immigrants & refugees we allow in increases.
This is not to suggest we will ever have a ‘quota’ … because we will not … however, we need to have a legal citizenry aligned behind the Constitutional values and this is my plan to do that.
Immigration part 2: the wall
We will build a physical wall of constructed wall as well as a people wall. We will increase existing fencing, support it with additional physical wall construction in strategic areas and hire an additional 5000 border agents to manage the border wall.
I will ask Mexico to reimburse USA for several things:
- From this day forward the smart wily illegal immigrants who beat our wall that we catch … we will deport. We ask Mexico to reimburse us for legal and transportation costs. Let’s call this our expense report for returning their citizens.
- Because we would like to encourage gainful employment of Mexican citizens so that they do not try and illegally immigrate to our great booming economy <which only I can create> we would like to earn an employment incentive assessment on each Mexican employee our USA companies hire at their facilities in Mexico.
Immigration part 3: undocumented immigrants
We are now offering a one time legal waiver to any immigrant who walks into their local city hall and registers as an immigrant either seeking a short term work visa or a long term path to citizenship. We are simply asking you to declare your intentions and you will not be deported. Once registered you will either receive a work visa with a specific USA legal time frame you can work and responsibilities associated or the plan of action, responsibilities and timeline to gain your citizenship.
We will offer a onetime legal waiver for all businesses who report the shift of undocumented to newly registered immigrant employees.
From this day forward any registered immigrant, not a citizen, receiving anything more than a misdemeanor will be deported. We will ask Mexico to reimburse USA for that.
From this day forward, once the one time legal waiver period is over, any unregistered immigrant will be deported. We will ask Mexico to reimburse USA for that.
Immigration part 4: Dreamers
All of the Dreamers who have contributed to USA and have plans to contribute are already part of the fabric of America and we have no desire tearing you out of it.
America First National Language.
Here is the crazy thing I found out when I took this job … we do not have a national language. I want to change that. If you live in USA you should be able to speak English. Heck. All my wives did that so everyone else should. This doesn’t mean you cannot have a business focused on using another language nor does it not permit you to speak any language you want at any time … we just want everyone to be able to speak to each other in a common language in schools, public events and within any national discourse. We want Americans to speak English <even though I do not do so very well myself>.
America First business strategy
As of June 1, 2017 we will be dropping the corporate tax to x%.
In addition. We will offer a “kicker” tax break of an additional 10% cut for every additional dollar you reinvest in America operations from the profit dollars you just gained from the lower tax rate or additional dollars invested versus year prior.
In addition. We will be assessing an employee tax <based on their salary> on every overseas employee for multinational companies. We will have three levels of taxes <I made that up … but Trump makes up shit too>, based on whether they could be employed in the USA or not, and you can apply for the appropriate tax rate for each employee.
We will be fair but make no mistake … we want every employee who should be working in America … working in America.
America First Regulation strategy
I see now that my whole “eliminate two regulations for each one added” was bullshit.
As of June 1, 2017 we will have eliminated 20% of all existing regulations. That is my goal and I have asked the Cabinet members to approach this objective responsibly but with the intent to <a> decrease the burden on businesses and <b> limit restrictions on growth industries. We will do this responsibly taking into consideration environmental concerns but with the intent to enable American businesses to take a leap forward.
That is my first promise to America.
My second promise is to have my entire Cabinet present a review of all the regulation cuts to Congress and the American people on June 1, 2019. At that time we will reassess regulations and repercussions of any regulation cuts.
Okay. I will be honest. It’s really not that bad and there are a bunch of things we want to keep and make work better.
Beginning on January 1, 2018 we will permit health insurance companies to work across state borders to increase local competition and increase plan options for people. We will bla bla bla to make quality healthcare accessible to everyone, even people with preexisting conditions, seniors and low income people. We will also deregulate the ‘telehealth’ industry and permit small health accounts for younger healthy people from which the government will only assess fees when used.
Of all the things I have discussed so far … the best thing for American security, the number one weapon against terrorism and the best gift we can give every American household is a better economy. When people have opportunities for better income, better lives and better opportunities people are happier, healthier … and safer because less people are unhappy. Just tell the Democrats to approve my lack-of any-moral compass billionaire economic Cabinet members so I can make America’s economy great again because I need them to make it all happen <and I will be seen as the great President I know that I am>.
Donald J. Trump
Please note, President Trump, I do not agree with everything here nor am I smart enough to have thought through all the details, but I was able to think thru this in one afternoon and it looks more sensible then anything you have offered yet.
I would note you have shown no signs that you can coherently articulate a coherent strategy, nor tactics, so I have attempted to do your job for you so that maybe you can get your ass out of the crack you put it in.
As for being a man?
First. Try using some of these words … they reflect some harsh truths which your citizens deserve, and the truth … well … truth trumps fear anytime.
Second. Try sharing these words in something other than a tweet or sending someone else out to communicate it for you. Stand up in front of your people, your citizens, and take some responsibility and be a frickin’ man about all of this <you incompetent hack — said under my breath>.