better things to do (thoughts on suicide part 2)

dark thought flowers andreas

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“Things just went wrong too many times.”

Suicide note of Tony Hancock (1924-1968)

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“I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention & one day I decided I had better things to do.”

Brian Andreas

<Better things to Do>

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“There is nothing romantic about death.

Grief is like the ocean; its deep and dark, and bigger than all of us.

And pain is like a thief in the night.

Quiet.

Persistent.

Unfair.

Diminished by time and faith and love.”

One Tree Hill

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“Ain’t no shame in holding on to grief . . . as long as you make room for other things too.”

Reginald ‘Bubbles’ Cousins

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Well.

suicide dare never

 

Because I closed my last post thoughts on suicide by  mentioning grief … I wanted to do a follow up on that emotional response we all have in the aftermath of a suicide.

 

 

Let’s just say that death and grief … and disbelief … are inextricably intertwined.

 

 

The former, death & grief, may sound like an obvious thing to say because mortality is not some secret.

 

Uhm.

 

But the latter may sound … well … wrong … because mortality is not some secret.

 

 

It is not wrong.

 

 

Disbelief rears its ugly head because, in general, I tend to believe that a lot of people consider it all to be something that happens to other people. This translates into the fact when personally faced with death, particularly a suicide, we tend to express genuine bewilderment.

 

 

Sometimes the disbelief is abstract … “of course they’ll always be around … won’t they?”

 

Sometimes the disbelief is less abstract … “I never thought this would happen to them.”

 

 

 

Abstract or not … while grief is a relentlessly brutal part of Life … disbelief is a relentlessly subtle, but a more insidiously brutal, part of Life.

 

 

Anton Chekov wrote in The Seagull …

 

 

“why do you wear black all the time?” … “I’m in mourning for my life … I am unhappy.”

 

 

I wonder why no one talks about or no one ever tells you about this disbelief thing.

 

While the vastness of Life can devour someone … disbelief is a sneaky devourer.

 

And that is really where a suicide in your Life can really eat at you <sometimes enough to devour you of you are not careful> … thru disbelief.

 

 

I sometimes think this happens because we have this general illusion that we write our own Life story.

suicide losing care

 

We forget a basic Life truth … “never forget that you are the protagonist of your own story and the antagonist of someone else’s.”

 

 

And that is why grief can sometimes be relentless.

 

 

You are a supporting character to a lots of people’s stories.

 

 

On the positive side is you could be a stranger in someone else’s story who unintentionally turns someone’s life around for the better.

 

 

And then … well … you could be the friend who unintentionally is a spectator to a life that has slightly turned for the worse <sometimes difficult to see> or is spiraling out of control <also sometimes difficult to see>.

 

 

I imagine my real point is that your Life can be significantly affected through no act of your own.

 

 

Uhm.

 

That often also means grief is often given to you … and not self-inflicted.

 

 

This means that grief can be sneaky … and relentlessly sly. Sly in that it not only doesn’t announce itself every time it comes through the door but it also is often dressed as Disbelief.

 

 

It is often the disbelief that can eat us whole.

 

 

And maybe it is when you think about this sneaky asshole, Disbelief, that you wonder how someone who truly has experienced loss or pain thru a suicide to have strength to go on fighting in Life and endure. It is hard to be positive when you are seeing a world thru a filter of this gray fog of disbelief.

 

 

Asking someone to try and find a path to happiness as they experience grief is, in my eyes, a misguided thought.

 

 

The path to moving on isn’t time … nor is it dealing with grief <in the case of suicide> … it is dealing with the disbelief.

 

 

Death is inevitable.

But that doesn’t mean we are ever truly prepared for it … particularly if it is ended abruptly. And it gets even more compounded if it ends abruptly thru suicide.

 

 

I know, upon reflecting on my own experiences, I confused grief and disbelief.

 

And in that confusion I ended up wandering thru a gauntlet of pain & anger … as well as grief.

 

 

Suicide, maybe more than any other death, maybe makes you think something like what fictional undertaker David Fisher from Six Feet Under said to a mourner’s question:

 

 

“why does there have to be death?”

“Because it makes life important.”

 

 

Suffice it to say … Disbelief is sneaky.

 

Having a suicide experience brought into your Life by someone else immediately conflicts with wherever you are personally in Life … because Life feels like it will last forever at 20 … as well as when you get to 50 and you begin realizing it is far too short.

 

 

Disbelief is truly the aspect that makes you think about making the best of the time you have because … well … you really only have one life … there isn’t another one as a back up plan.

 

 

To be clear … on the other hand … I also believe the whole advice of ‘maximize existence’ falls far short of reality.

 

It is certainly a good thought and a desirable objective … just not a very real objective.

 

It is more realistic to just say ‘do the best you can.’

 

 

Why do I suggest that?

 

Once again … this Disbelief thing.

 

 

over thinking mess

Because Death, in the end, is inevitable for all … ‘looming’ as a thought if you permit it to feel that way.

 

Ignoring it doesn’t mean it is still not there and certainly doesn’t mean that it will pace itself to the beat of your drummer or arrive at some ordained amount of time … it will come to each at its own pace decided by Death itself.

 

 

——

“I think about dying but I dont want to die.

Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite.

I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic.
There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all.

I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it. “

Matty Healy

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Look.

 

Suicide has no answers. I said it before … the one who can answer is no longer here. And let’s be really clear on this … they wouldn’t have had a satisfactory answer anyway because they didn’t really have an answer to give <because they committed suicide>.

But … rational or not … no answer leads to a deeper disbelief in that … well … we would like an answer for some closure.

 

 

Anyway.

 

Closure, to me, is not time … nor is it doing anything other than accepting the grief … and the disbelief … and, well, just making sure you make room for other things.

 

 

Reginald ‘Bubbles’ Cousins: “Ain’t no shame in holding on to grief . . . as long as you make room for other things too.”

suicide noose wonderful

 

 

 

Suicide invokes so many emotions & feelings in those left behind.

 

 

As I have said time & time again … it isn’t time that addresses all of those things. it is making a decision in your own head which isn’t related to time … it is related to you.

 

 

You decide to make room for other things.

 

You decide you have better things to do.

 

 

I am not suggesting it is easy <it was not for me> … but I am suggesting that recognizing Disbelief <not regrets or even grief> as the thing that is filling up the room and standing there saying ‘don’t do anything else but talk with me’ is the major battle in your head … well … is a step in the direction of making room and deciding you have better things to do.

 

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Written by Bruce