create, destroy, regrets & suicide (thoughts on suicide part 1)

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Somewhere in the darkness I stand

Watching and waiting again

Somwewhere in the darkness she cries

And I hear the silent cry

The silence

Her lips are cold like death

And she steals away my last breath

As I reach into her soul

And coldly let her go

I let her

Her lips are cold like death

And she steals away my last breath

As I reach into her soul

And coldly let her go

I let her go

Somewhere in the darkness I stand

Watching and waiting again

Somewhere in the darkness she cries

And I hear the silent cry

The silence

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<Last Breath> The Crüxshadows

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“How do we forgive ourselves for all of the things we did not become?”

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“14 Lines from Love Letters or Suicide Notes”

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Ok.

This is about Suicide.

I know of no one … and I mean NO ONE who hasn’t changed, or been impacted, if a suicide has entered their personal lives. And I don’t mean experiencing suicide from afar <like someone in your business organization in another department or some celebrity> but rather you knew the person.

Let’s just say maybe you knew them enough that your response is ‘did I really know them?’ … well … that is where suicide becomes personal.

Suicide is one of those horrible things that happens in Life that touches many beyond the one who performed the act and it raises strong feelings.

Once again.

I am no doctor.

But I don’t ever want to label a suicide as a result of depression <or any biology  or mental health based derivative> nor do I want to label it as a ‘weak’ choice.

Because … simplistically … suicides are tragedies.

That said … I’ll avoid all that and say I will not even try and explain suicide … because … well … you can’t. The only one who can truly answer the “why?” questions is no longer available to answer <and I am fairly sure they wouldn’t be able to give an acceptable answer>.

And the notes & explanations left behind … well … they aren’t really answers for us.

They aren’t enough.

The words are never enough of an explanation. In fact … the words left behind end up just being a starting point of our own journey, far too often a journey down a personal rabbit hole, associated with the suicide.

Suffice it to say suicide is complex, complicated and … well … a conundrum. It represents a combination of circumstances, emotions and motivations different for each situation & person <despite the fact we would all like a nice simple reason>.

Think about it for just a second.

While many people who kill themselves have been experiencing the extreme distress we might think of as depression, that’s not always the case and is rarely the whole explanation.

Other people have been known to kill themselves as a consequence of intense shame, or because they see no way out of a moral dilemma or a future that appears so bleak there could never be respite.

In fact … many who attempt suicide may not really want to die, but seek instead to find some escape from some unbearable personal mental stress. And then there are those with ongoing difficulties who see suicide as ‘the unselfish option’ seeking to save someone else from the burden of “me.”

Whatever the reasons … suffice it to say … for all of us … it is a vast world and if you are not careful it can devour you.

Most of us figure out a way to not get devoured. Others cannot.

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“It’s only when you’ve lost someone that you realize the nonsense of that phrase “It’s a small world”.

It isn’t.

It’s a vast, devouring world, especially if you’re alone. “

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Clive Barker

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Now.

I can truly only talk about this from the “I have figured out how to not be devoured … but have seen firsthand someone be devoured” perspective.

I can only share my thoughts on the aftermath and the unanswered questions and what I imagine I would call ‘managing the moment’ or even managing the regrets <because inevitably you either deal with some personal regrets or hold on to these regrets in some form or fashion <so maybe this is managing regrets?>.

So.

I really believe it is a combination of “managing regrets” and/or “managing a regret moment” … or … maybe reflecting upon the lack of ability to manage in this case.

As much as I wish they didn’t happen they do … and they are painful <on a wide spectrum of paper cut pain to standing on hot coals barefoot in the doorway to hell pain>.

And while it would be more healthy to believe that each moment actually prepares you how to deal with disappointments, in general, and decision you wish you had not made <cause there will be a bunch> … it is not that easy.

Disappointments have a fairly tenacious stickiness.

They can be like a snowball. If you are feeling cold as you fall back into a hole all those little snowflake disappointments don’t have a chance to melt away and they ball up and get bigger.

And, if in a hole, if you get packed in under that snow … you … well suffocate.

But disappointment and regrets are constant companions.

Believe me when I say that if you can limit regret … ultimately … disappointment has to slow down to stay with its friend Regret <slowing down is good>.

That said.

I imagine I have to believe in the concept of “no regret moments.” Which sounds really fucking nice … but … Regret is a tenacious & sneaky motherfucker.

Typically, let’s say 90% plus, of regrets are defined by deed <something done or not done … something said or not said>.

And maybe because of that regrets are pretty tenacious.

Why?

You can treat a moment as a no regret moment and yet afterwards have regrets. Because there is a tangible thing attached … it was not simply “what the fuck was I thinking?” <… in technical terms that could also be called “the benefit of hindsight”> instead … each of these moments has some dangblasted ‘deed’ attached to it.

See.

It’s tough.

And it leaves you thinking … and this thinking is not really good stuff type thinking.

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I was angry, hurt, my self-esteem was shattered <I couldn’t understand how I was oblivious to the depth … even if it may have been a tragically impulsive ill-considered act – albeit one would have to believe it had been considered … which is baffling >, unsure, disappointed .. and incessantly intensely self reflective.

 
Where does that leave me?

Angry, lost and lonely.

Unsure and fearful of what’s next in my life.

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a friend

<sharing thoughts after a suicide>

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Sometimes in your anger and disappointment and questioning … it’s all we can do not to let our loss eat us whole.

Oh.

Also … suicide, unfortunately, has no relationship with time. Once it happens in your life … it stays with you.

And as with most things in life that ‘stay’ you learn to live with your new constant companion as a place of grounding. It most likely shouldn’t dictate the rest of your life but it will always provide a thread from here on out of ‘what is really important’ as you view Life – your own and what is going on around you.

I never tell people how having a suicide inserted into your Life experience will affect them in an ongoing fashion … I imagine I can only tell them that it will affect you.

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“I’ve lost so many people.

Some I left on purpose and never looked back.

Some were taken from me, and I never said goodbye. “

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Ann Aguirre

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Everyone picks their way to move on …

Some people make it a mission <I did not … that seemed excessive to me … and it also didn’t relate well to what I wanted to do and be in Life>.

Some people make it an important lesson … it becomes kind of a Life reminder <I did … it insured that no matter how insensitively I approached business & business decisions I always had a thread of … well … humanness … with regard to how I dealt with people from there on out>. It insured I had some perspective I imagine.

Some people make vows <they take it upon themselves as if they had actually done the act or could have stopped it>.

Some people just think of it as a tragedy of society or ‘others’ <blaming anyone but the person who actually did the act>

Aw.

Shit.

Maybe we just need to understand that some people <the ones who commit suicide> just don’t know how to stop hurting … or even stop the hurting … and in their desperation they do something which oddly cease their hurt but exponentially negatively affects the ones who mattered most to them.

And I know I wished upon reflection that I had done, or could have done, or should have done, something to get them out of the hole they had put themselves in.

I know , personally, that I feel like I can jump into any hole, no matter how dark or deep, and help someone maybe not get out of it … but at least show them a glimmer of light so that they can see something other than the dark.

Unfortunately, I now know that it is not always possible to do that.

That doesn’t mean I won’t stop and try. But I also know that dark is … well … dark. And losing hope <or not being able to even see glimmer of hope> even if it was for one impulsive flickering moment … is such a desperate spot … that some people just cannot envision any way out of that hole. And no matter what you or I or anyone could say or show them … they have lost hope.

And that is maybe what slashed into me the hardest in my own situation.

It made me question Hope. And I am a hope guy.

Suicide rocked my foundation of hope. And that is at the core of who and what I am.

I imagine from that point on … I didn’t take hope for granted. For me … or for anyone else.

That’s where I landed … and that’s how I placed suicide by my side as my companion.

I still get sad sometimes <and it happened the first time when I was 25> and I do remain reflective.

Mostly I wonder what a wonderful woman she would have ended up being.

To be clear.

I do not feel in any way lost … and I never did.

I just felt … well … a little more alone.

And the world seemed a little more vast.

And in a way … I felt slightly devoured by the world … the world ate something of my Life.

<sigh>

It’s a vast, devouring world, especially if you if you feel like you are dealing with something alone.

I do know that you cannot, and should not, live life ‘the way they would have liked’ <or the way ‘we would have done it’>.

You can’t live thru someone who you have lost … that is cheating … well … you.

You can learn from the experience … you can have regrets … but inevitably your Life is yours and they <this will sound harsh> have elected to be devoured rather than seek some way to not be devoured.

I will not offer trite thoughts like “seize the moment” or “make every day count” because suicide doesn’t teach us that … it just teaches us the world is vast and can devour you if you are not careful, resilient and aware. And, by the way, I mean any of us … even the strongest and most resilient … can be devoured by Life if you are not paying attention.

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“When your day is long
and the night,
the night is yours alone,
when you’re sure you’ve had enough
of this life,
well hang on.
Don’t let yourself go,
‘cause everybody cries,
and everybody hurts
sometimes. “

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R.E.M.

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“‘Tis the maddest trick a man can ever play in his whole life, to let his breath sneak out of his body without any more ado, and without so much as a rap o’er the pate, or a kick of the guts; to go out like the snuff of a farthing candle, and die merely of the mulligrubs, or the sullens.”

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Miguel De Cervantes

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Look.

Suicide is a devastating and complex act.

In truth, the only person capable of telling you why they did what they did has removed themselves from the discussion. And, I would imagine, many times even they would be unable to clearly articulate a sane <to us> reason.

Running all the “why” questions in your head <over and over again> is a futile effort … and will drive you crazy <you can only speculate answers which are the worst type of answers>.

Holding on tightly to regrets is not only detrimental but not useful … and often an overreach with regard to what you could have personally done to reverse the situation <many times the only one who can solve what was done was the person themself>.

Suicide is not a logical.

Rarely is it a simple matter of straightforward cause and effect.

I imagine the only real thought I have is … well … grieve but do not regret.

To quote The Wire:

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“Ain’t no shame in holding on to grief . . . as long as you make room for other things too.”

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Reginald ‘Bubbles’ Cousins