“Getting over a painful experience is like crossing monkey bars.

You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

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anonymous

So.

I write a lot about moving forward and moving on and, as Tupac said, “at some point you just have to leave the pieces behind and move the fuck on.” But moving forward isn’t just about walking or taking baby steps or giant leaps  sometimes it is about letting go and having faith you can find another thing to hold onto. Moving on is like monkey bars.

And, like monkey bars, it is not just once to get to the other side but a series of ‘letting gos’ to make it where you want to go.

I guess I tie ‘letting go’ to some type of suffering.

And I imagine for anyone that an important part of gaining confidence is to “let go” of suffering and have the courage to move on and be whatever person we should be (without having to hold on to that burden of suffering).

I also imagine letting go also means letting go of, well, I will call it “anger” (not sure this is the right word but let me stick with it). A lot of times it seems some people are so filled with anger with the past, against the person or events or whatever, and feel a sense of helplessness about what to do (or for permitting it to happen in the first place).

It then sometimes seems that when this happens the anger can turn inwards and can become very self destructive and quite ‘life debilitating.’

Yeah.

Self destruction appears in many forms (we people can be quite creative in incurring self pain). Eating disorders, drug or alcohol addiction, toxic relationships, recurring job irresponsibility or lack of performance and on and on and on. It seems everyone finds a different way to be angry and beat themselves up (in some form of a recurring destructive behavioral pattern).

This all means that letting go can become complicated.

Because while there is that ‘anger’ burning inside it is embodied in some behavioral aspect.  And I don’t know that they are inextricably attached. Meaning that someone could focus on the understanding they deserve better in relationships and address that but the anger still simmers inside. And vice versa.

Anyway. Letting go isn’t simple. In fact … exactly like the first time you try the monkey bars. It takes some faith and confidence and … well … sheer desire to just go and swing out.

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.

Havelock Ellis

So. Here is probably the understatement of the year. Letting go of your past is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do.

Even if it was the most painful relationship ever and you had to let go just to maintain your sanity you will struggle with saying goodbye to the past (oddly, it seems people want to remember the few glimmers of happiness in those toxic relationships as ‘maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought’).

Anyway. I am not Dr. Phil and I know it ain’t easy but I have seen people do it. I do know the most successful let go of the anger. They face up to the memories and experiences accept responsibility for mistakes in judgment, actions, whatever and let go of the anger. At the event, the circumstances, the other person … and most importantly themselves.

And letting go?

Get it out.

Write. Paint. Talk. Whatever. Consider it “letters unsent.”

Whatever you need to do to get what is inside somewhere outside. Surprisingly once it is out in the open for all to see it just doesn’t seem as dark and ominous and worthy of anger as it was when it was bottled up inside eating you up piece by piece.

Share.

Find someone to trust with your anger. Sometimes you have to suck it up and admit it is partially about pride and just accept some humility. Yeah. This is also about vulnerability (so finding someone to trust is REALLY important). Guilt, anger, resentment, confession or fear (or any combination thereof) it needs to be shared. Similar to the first on the list this is unburdening but unburdening the thought behind the thought (and the thought behind that thought). And this is unburdening with a response mechanism.

Get out of the gray.

Ok. What I mean by this is deal with the past in black & whites. If you have something to say to someone say it. Period. End of thought. No dangling participles. No questions asked. Look to finish it up with a well defined “the end” to it. Anger thrives in the gray of unresolved emotion and feelings. It festers there. Get out of the gray and eliminate it.

Look.

The second and third I just wrote are monkey bars for sure. You are dangling by one hand and reaching for another bar and … well … there will be a moment of uncertainty and reaching.

But. That’s the gig. That’s the deal. Letting go is the monkey bars of life.

So. In the end?letting go claw marks

Letting go is certainly hard … and healthy. Just be sure you don’t avoid the monkey bars because of this following thought for it would be a shame to suffer solely because it was familiar:

“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering.

Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”

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Thich Nhat Hanh

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Written by Bruce