My Enlightened Predictions of the College Bowl Conflicts (Ignorance is bliss in this Case)

This is a REALLY long post but there are REALLY too many bowl games, and I ain’t gonna short change one. I am going to make the call on every one. I promise no in-depth analysis and in fact I let my border collie select a couple where dog mascots were involved.

College football is awesome despite the 94 bowl games.

I love college football. College basketball just has so many damn games it’s hard to know what is really important until NCAA tournament time. And pro sports are just so passionless and teamless to me. This season started out gangbusters with all those supposed top ten teams getting kicked around every weekend. Every weekend seemed to have at least one great game. Having TCU and Cincinnati going undefeated as well as each of them going out and beating some non-conference, pretty high profile teams was awesome.

So. Let’s go bowling. here are my warped view predictions for all 94 (really 34) bowl games (note: because some games are complete they are easier to predict):

 

New Mexico Bowl: Wyoming vs. Fresno State
It is the day of the Cowboys. Saints go down to the ‘Boys. Bulldogs wrassled to ground by Cowboys. Wyoming is so happy to be out of Wyoming they drag the game out as long as they can (unfortunately for them only two overtimes). I am not sure anyone watched the game.

 

St. Petersburg Bowl: Rutgers vs. Central Florida
The Scarlet Knights had to win because they were playing a religious defender role of St. Petersburg – the patron saint of blue hairs. The seniors across the United States rejoice with a Rutgers win but bemoan the cut back of Medicare in the Senate. Fair trade off for all who can remember what the trade off was in the beginning.

 

New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee

(Editor’s note: This prediction was written on Monday, before Middle Tenn. beat Southern Miss. 42-32.) This game is being played tonight…but…Brett Favre played at Southern Miss. Oh. And Middle Tennessee are the Blue Balls…oops…I mean Blue Raiders…huh? Southern Mississippi easy. But. Regardless. There are too many vowels in this bowl game.

 

Las Vegas Bowl: Brigham Young vs. Oregon State (8:00 pm EST Tue Dec 22, 2009)
Cougars versus Beavers. C’mon. No brainer. But, uh oh. Mormons visit Sin City. This looked like an easy pick judging by mascots but Oregon State recruits some “professional escorts” to be cheerleaders, BYU is significantly distracted (and actually pick out several second and third wives during the game) and the Beavers damn BYU to a loss.

 

Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. California (8:00 pm EST Wed Dec 23, 2009)
Cal attended the class that reminded them eating Poinsettias is poisonous. That gets them off on the right foot at the pregame banquet. But then the actual game arrives. Utes have arrows. Bears get shot by arrows. Bears become pincushion for Utes’ target practice and become rug in main lobby of Poinsettia headquarters.

 

Hawaii Bowl: SMU vs. Nevada (8:00 pm EST Thu Dec 24, 2009)
Both teams drive the road to Hilo, get stoned out of their minds on some great Hawaii grass, start wearing hula skirts and drive the trainers crazy during the game with their ongoing munchies. Mustangs cannot keep their noses out of the feedbag all game long and Nevada shakes off the grass skirts long enough to run into the end zone more than SMU to pull off the Ganja Bowl win.

 

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Ohio vs. Marshall (1:00 pm EST Sat Dec 26, 2009)
OMG. Who cares? Pizza pizza. That’s all I can say. There will be a Thundering Herd toward the closest Little Caesars after the game so they can have extra pepperoni to take the sting off of losing to a team called Ohio without State after it.

 

Meineke Bowl: North Carolina vs. Pittsburgh (4:30 pm EST Sat Dec 26, 2009)
C’mon. This is a no brainer. The winner gets free mufflers. North Carolina has horse & buggies. Pennsylvania makes cars. And. Pittsburgh can melt them down and rejuvenate the city economy. Oh. And let me remind everyone if Pitt had won their game against Cincinnati they would be in a BCS game. How far the Cats have fallen. But the mufflers prove motivation to drive to victory.

 

Emerald Bowl: Southern California vs. Boston College (8:00 pm EST Sat Dec 26, 2009)
If USC actually cares about this game, it should be an easy win. They won’t. But this is draft showcase day for USC’s 48 5-star All Americans. They will gain 6 bazillion yards. They will give up 4 bazillion yards plus 1 bazillion in unsportsmanlike showboating, stupid penalties and their seniors come out with $1 bazillion in draft day bonus money and a bowl game win.

 

Music City Bowl: Clemson vs. Kentucky (8:30 pm EST Sun Dec 27, 2009)
This is a cat fight. Think Faith Hill versus Shania Twain. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…okay. Back to football. Tigers versus Wildcats. I am fairly sure tigers are bigger than wildcats (too lazy to check Wikipedia). I am not really sure which is Faith and which is Shania but Kentucky woman sings the blues with a loss. (Clemson wins).

 

Independence Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Georgia (5:00 pm EST Mon Dec 28, 2009)
I think this game is in Shreveport. Once again I am too lazy to check. Regardless. So fans have a choice of being in Athens Georgia, College Station Texas or Shreveport Louisiana. It will be quieter than a church at an atheist convention. So if a touchdown is scored and no one is there to see it does it really count? ROTC is forced to attend so the proof goes to A&M and they get the win (even though UGA may score more).

 

EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA (4:30 pm EST Tue Dec 29, 2009)
OMG. If this isn’t proof that there are too many bowl games I am not sure what is. In DC and the healthcare debate/vote/whatever is still going on, In a fit of bipartisanship the House sits on Temple’s side and the Senate on the UCLA side (and ex president Bush, both of them, do the coin flip, each getting a side insuring a Bush win). There is a deficit of points, overspending on penalties and a filibuster to keep Rick Neuheisal from any post game comments after his team pulls out a one vote win.

 

Champs Sports Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. Wisconsin (8:00 pm EST Tue Dec 29, 2009)
This is a home game for the Hurricanes (ok, Orlando is close enough). Reverting back to the ole “U” days they steal new game jerseys from all the local Champs, rock a new look just for the game, blow out the Badgers and then blame Ray Lewis, who attended the game, for being a Chump for stealing everything from Champs.

 

Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho (4:30 pm EST Wed Dec 30, 2009)
I believe the Humanitarian thing to do would be to shoot yourself rather than go to this game. Both teams are so frickin unhappy to be playing in Idaho on December 28th instead of…well…anywhere else…they do the humanitarian thing and do their best to let the other team win. Idaho gets the state’s first Nobel Peace Prize and Bowling Green gets the win and the “Super Spud” championship trophy awarded by the state of Idaho. The game is so nice Idaho refuses to accept a Bowling Green unsportsmanlike penalty because they thought the guy didn’t really mean it.

 

Holiday Bowl – Nebraska vs. Arizona (8:00 pm EST Wed Dec 30, 2009)
The 2009 Holiday Bowl has all the markings of a great defensive battle. In other words be prepared to be bored to death. It is quite possible this could end in a 0-0 tie. Both teams could stop the other if the other had an offense. And with no offense, well, they will take to stopping fans from going out and getting more beer. The tie breaker? Easy. Nebraska players in San Diego for a week before the game. Needless to say their energy will be sapped and they give up a late 63 yard field goal to lose the game after neither team moves the ball from the 50 yard line all game long.

 

Sun Bowl: Stanford  vs. Oklahoma (2:00 pm EST Thu Dec 31, 2009)
This should have been the best bowl game of all. The best young quarterback (Andrew Luck) versus the best quarterback in NCAA (Bradford). Unfortunately neither will be playing so it just turns out to be two good teams playing each other. The Sooners will realize Toby Gerhart is a truck, albeit a brilliant astro physicist truck. The boomer sooner wagon would be easier to stop than Toby. Oh. And the Cardinal remind us Oklahoma cannot win a bowl game.

 

Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force  vs. Houston (12:00 pm EST Thu Dec 31, 2009)
New Years Eve. Houston would rather be out drinking. In addition because they pass 150 times a game this game starts on New Year’s Eve and ends January 2nd. Sometime on the 1st the Cougar players revolt, start drinking jager bombs on the sideline and Air Force ends up flying by the Cougars in their wacky wishbone fighter plane to take this one in a long drawn out game that makes everyone want to start drinking or join the Army.

 

Texas Bowl: Missouri vs. Navy (3:30 pm EST Thu Dec 31, 2009)
As soon as Missouri gets into Texas they start having nightmares with Longhorns and Red Raiders and don’t sleep a wink before the game. Then the Midshipmen sail out with their destroyer option game plan and Missouri decides it would be easier to sleep then figure it out. Navy drowns the Tigers in a sea of fake handoffs and gimmick plays where anyone has a chance to run the ball.

 

Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State (6:00 pm EST Thu Dec 31, 2009)
Here is an insight. Cyclones never appear in December. Uh oh. Next insight. The gopher doesn’t appear until February. Holy shit. No team shows up. They play the game in a computer simulation. Multiple times so the fans can watch the scoreboard and drink. Cyclones win 51% of the time. There you go. Insight proves its computer savviness.

 

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee (7:30 pm EST Thu Dec 31, 2009)

Here’s the deal. Virginia Tech is good. Tennessee is not. Despite the fact I am still unclear what a Hokie is, their uniforms are always interestingly odd. Assume the Tennessee Volunteers let a Hokie block a kick or two while Lane Kiffin is sending a cheerleader over to talk to a recruit and then Michael Vick shows the Hokies all the Atlanta hot spots to celebrate afterwards (bonus prediction: Hokies end up on probation in 2010 but Vick is allowed to return to finish his degree and leads them to the “Lassie where have you Gone” Bowl in 2010).

 

Outback Bowl: Northwestern  vs. Auburn (11:00 am EST Fri Jan 1, 2010)
The weather is great so no fans show up for the first half (so they reset the scoreboard to zero zero and do a do-over). At half time both locker rooms get choice of all you can eat bloomin’ onions or house salad. The Tigers (or War Eagles whichever you want) feast on fried onions and carb up. The pansy ass smartys of the Big Ten (really 11) choose house salad (with fat free dressing). It’s not even close. Auburn takes Northwestern out back and gives ‘em a good lickin.

Gator Bowl: Florida State vs. West Virginia (1:00 pm EST Fri Jan 1, 2010)
This bowl is Bobby Bowden’s retirement party. Who cares? (and his biggest fan is Lou Holtz which is kinda the kiss of death). Anyway. Bobby has an ACC team (remember, he was smoking everyone before they joined the ACC). Nuff said. Florida State sucks. West Virginia is actually pretty good. Mountaineers give Bobby’s moon a good shine as a going away present.

 

Capital One Bowl: Penn State vs. LSU (1:00 pm EST Fri Jan 1, 2010)
Lions and Tigers oh my. Besides this being one of the best match-ups of the major bowls, the differences between the vanilla Paterno and the moose tracks Miles makes this better than a trip to Baskin Robbins (which means it is worth watching). I think it comes down to the last series. Luckily Les Miles is away looking for his hat (which he left on a bathroom break) so time management is all good and the Tigers beat the Lions. Oh my. Bring on the bears.

 

Rose Bowl: Ohio State vs. Oregon (4:30 pm EST Fri Jan 1, 2010)
The only thing in question in this game is what in the world the Ducks will be wearing when they show up? Probably something so god awful Tressell will want to make a sweater vest design for the following season. Ducks eat Buckeyes in Ohio I believe. That alone makes it an easy pick. The quack attack snacks buckeye nuts all game long. And Big Ten loses another in California.

 

Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinna
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(8:30 pm EST Fri Jan 1, 2010)
The Bearcats are as good as any team you have never seen (and I have never seen a Bearcat either). But. Urban Meyer, while he may chafe you like an unwashed pair of underwear, can coach. Plus. Cincinnati doesn’t have a coach. Bearcats slip in the swamp and become gator bait. (but this should be a good game). Onward Christian soldier. Gators win.

International Bowl: South Florida  vs. Northern Illinois (12:00 pm EST Sat Jan 2, 2010)
If including North and South is international then I guess I can go along with it. Anyway. Bulls against Huskies. If this were the Iditarod I would go with the Huskies. Plus. Northern Illinois wears red. Red pisses bulls off. Bulls gore the Huskies.

 

Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Mississippi (2:00 pm EST Sat Jan 2, 2010)
Stillwater and Oxford go to the Big D. I think the big city lights may blind the Cowboys and Rebels a little. The scary part is they both got guns. In Oxford they know the South really won the war because the Rebs were the best shots. I think they prove it and win a good ole shootout in the Big D.

 

PapaJohns.com Bowl: Connecticut  vs. South Carolina (2:00 pm EST Sat Jan 2, 2010)
So. When the folk from Connecticut get to Birmingham they will realize they ain’t in Kansas no more that’s fo’ sho. Then with all the free Papa Johns coupons they get they start walking in and ordering “pies” and getting apple pie and get even more confused. Fortunately for them the ole ball coach has no desire coaching teams in a Birmingham bowl game. Huskies get several orders of Gamecock wings and chow down.

Liberty Bowl: East Carolina vs. Arkansas (5:30 pm EST Sat Jan 2, 2010)
Skip Holtz is a good coach. Petrino is better. And Ryan Mallet is the real deal. Anyway. Eddie Money plays the half time show and I think the pirates may need a break from chasing Razorback receivers who were “shakin’ (Eddie Money reference) all over the place. In the end I think the pirate ship gets stuck on Mud Island and the Razorbacks get the booty.

Alamo Bowl: Michigan State vs. Texas Tech (9:00 pm EST Sat Jan 2, 2010)
The Red Raiders football team scores more points than its basketball team. If this were a basketball game the edge would go to the Spartans. Unfortunately this game is on a gridiron. There may not be enough numbers on the scoreboard as Texas Tech passes for 8 touchdowns and 800 yards. Oh. And minus 1 rushing.

Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU (8:00 pm EST Mon Jan 4, 2010)
Broncos and Horned Frogs (although I have learned it isn’t really a frog so that helps). Against any other team I would give the Broncos the edge but the Horned Frogs are out to prove their version of purple is the hot winter fashion color. It’s hard to argue with fashion statements even if they are on frogs. Frogs hop over Broncos with a win.

 

Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech (8:00 pm EST Tue Jan 5, 2010)
Cattle farmers versus Engineers. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…if this were wrestling there would be no debate. Unfortunately the engineers run an offense you need a blueprint to be able to understand. Cattle farmers don’t read blueprints. They have oxen named Blue. That’s it. Yellow Jackets buzz along to an easy win.

 

GMAC Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Troy (7:00 pm EST Wed Jan 6, 2010)
WTF. This game is played on the 6th between the Orange Bowl and the championship game. GMAC cannot make a car but they sure can negotiate a sponsorship deal. The Chippewas do have a good quarterback and I know nothing about Troy except that I didn’t like Brad Pitt in the movie. Also going in the Chippewa favor is the recent ruling to award American Indians 3.4 billion dollars as restitution from 225 years ago. If they aren’t out partying with the money, they win this game easy.

 

BCS National Championship – Alabama vs. Texas (8:00 pm EST Thu Jan 7, 2010)
Good news for Texas. They don’t have a pass defense. Alabama will come out throwing what they call passes but everyone else calls groundballs in another sport. The bad news for Texas. Mack Brown is their coach. Nick Saban can coach. At halftime he will remember he has the second coming of Bronko Nagurski at running back. Texas completes a gazillion passes and gets 1 touchdown out of it. Alabama completes 2 out 25 but the 2 are touchdowns. And Bronko Ingram runs into, over and thru Texas for 1000 yards. Bama wins.

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Written by Bruce