sadness is sneaky

So. If you have lost something loved here is a warning: moments of sadness are sneaky.

Just when you think you’ve filled the hole of the loved one’s loss with all the great memories you turn a corner and, well, it’s kind of sneaky. It’s not that something smacks you in the head and you crumble with sadness. Instead it is a simple little “something is missing from this picture.” And with every additional step that thought crystallizes a little more and a little more. Than what was only a glimmer of a thought becomes a more well defined space. It gains some edges. It becomes an empty space in the perfect silhouette of what you lost.

It doesn’t mock you.

It doesn’t try and get your attention.

In fact it exists in another dimension.

It is simply a space where what you loved is doing whatever they would be doing without acknowledging you.

What makes that moment worse is you just want them to turn and let you say something. But they are just there .. without you .. filling a space where they used to be. And you are without them.

But you are with them.

They just can’t see you.

And it kinda sucks. And then the sadness hits. This time like a very sharp knife in your gut.

And all you are looking for to make the pain go away is to be able to say one more word.

Or maybe one little touch.

I think the ache of the moment .. where your chest tightens a little .. your head gets a little fuzzy .. it isn’t that you miss them .. and it’s not regret .. I think it’s you miss being able to say something. And be heard. And having them acknowledge. And make the moment real instead of a memory.

But. It isn’t real.

So all you do is stand there.

And say things in your own head.

Maybe even say something out loud.

The sadness lives in that moment because it is just an empty space looking at you.

Anyway.

These moments don’t come as often as they used to. But they still cut quickly into the space surrounding it when they do appear.

And they are sneaky. Very sneaky.

But. I don’t know that I would like them any more of they were obvious or I could prepare better.

I imagine the hard part is that I know being some places will automatically increase the potential to trigger a moment of sadness.

Most of you know this post is really about lingering thoughts about my best friend of 15 years. My border collie Tigger. But. I don’t really believe sneaky sadness is that discerning in its choice of types of relationships.

My situation certainly isn’t unique (other than it is mine) but I believe those moments are so damn sneaky with me because as one friend said ‘… he was everywhere Bruce was.’

So. Empty spaces that sadness can sneak into are everywhere.

I guess the good news is that when I eventually fill up all those empty spaces those memories will be everywhere.

But sadness is sneaky.