search for reassurance in all the wrong places

wrong place sign

 

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“As humans, we tend to search for reassurance in all the wrong places.”

 

ke-ndallgrace

 

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“We believe in the wrong things. That’s what frustrates me the most. Not the lack of belief, but the belief in the wrong things.

 

You want meaning? Well, the meanings are out there. We’re just so damn good at reading them wrong.”

 

Rachel Cohn

 

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So.

 

We make thousands of decisions every day.

try a thousand and one

Okay.

Let’s say thousands of little Life ones and maybe hundreds in the office throughout the work day.

 

Some of these are fairly inconsequential decisions and some are fairly consequential decisions <albeit telling which is which in the moment, while incredibly consequential, is incredibly difficult>.

 

What that all means is unless you are a completely narcissistic arrogant asshat you will end up seeking some reassurance at some point to make sure you aren’t a complete fuckup.

 

But let me go back to the thousands and hundreds.

Why?

That’s a lot.

 

What that means to most of us in that we do not seek reassurance on everything we elect to do but rather either <a> on things we deem extremely consequential or <b> random moments to serve as touchstones on some reality we are not a complete fuckup.

 

And what does that mean?

 

Well.

For the most part we will seek to find reassurance where we believe reassurance will be found. I imagine I could point out that is a slightly warped way to go about making sure you have actually made the right, or best, choice but I will not <because I believe everyone can recognize that>.

 

Regardless of whether this is the best way to seek reassurance … this is what most of us will do.

 

Sure.eccentric person

On occasion you find a touchstone person who you think may offer a real touchstone and you seek them out on occasion – but even that is no guarantee.

 

Why?

They let you down.

 

Shit.

I am guilty of it.

Let’s say I have a hundred things to do and someone steps into my office and asks me what I think. My initial internal response is “not what I would do” but as that response weaves its way through all my other internal filters I kind of reach a conclusion that it doesn’t really affect me and maybe someone else will step in at some point and say “that’s kind of a bad idea.” So all I say is “sure” and move on to the next thing on my never-ending 100 to-do list.

 

Someone sought viable reassurance and I failed them <note: I, personally, try and remind myself that “37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime” as often as I can>.

 

All that said.

 

We tend to find reassurance in the wrong places — either from the wrong people or at the wrong time or even with the wrong intention.

 

I could point out here that the best judge of your own actions is yourself but I will not in this case because … well … reassurance is actually a good thing on occasion.

It really, honestly, can provide some honest-to-god reassurance you are not a fuck up <and this actually translates into better decision making in the future>.

 

We should all seek some reassurance at some point and … well … we do. I cannot offer much wisdom with regard to how to avoid seeking reassurance in the wrong places. The best I can do on that is just try and make sure you don’t always seek out people you know will give you the answer you want.

 

My real advice goes to all of us who provide reassurance <which, I assume, is pretty much everyone>.

 

Assume everyone seeks reassurance at some point them, well, at some point not only will you seek reassurance but someone will seek you out for reassurance.

 

this-is-our-universe-empty-hole-fill-with-shitLook.

 

I tell people all the time that decisions and choices are not really like crossroads where paths diverge but rather they are more like black holes. Almost every decision you make is like stepping into some form of black hole. You may be fairly sure about what resides on the other side of the black hole let alone what is actually in the black hole … but you cannot be 100% sure.

Let’s say your confidence, surety, is somewhere between 5% and 90% <and you try and avoid the 5%’s as often as you can>.

Uhm. That’s a big gap.

 

But that is what it is.

 

If you buy what I just offered you then you, as someone who provides reassurance, should be seeking to make the black hole as small as it can be.

 

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“This is the best of all things we can do for one another:

Make the dark small.”

 

Dean Koontz

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So while almost all of us will seek reassurance in the all the wrong places I imagine it is up to those of us who provide the reassurance to assume to some responsibility. The responsibility to actually make it the right place.

 

I am fairly sure someone is gonna send me a note and say that I am putting too much faith in people to do the right thing and care when they need to care and pay attention when they should pay attention and not be too much of asshat to person who was last hopealways just push their own point of view … and they may be right.

 

But what I am 100% confident in is that 100% of us seek some reassurance at some point.

And I am fairly sure 100% of us would like the person providing the reassurance to have our welfare as their priority when providing the reassurance.

 

And, if that is so, I am fairly sure we understand the concept of we tend to get what we give.

 

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Written by Bruce