Enlightened Conflict

impatience and choices

March 5th, 2013

“Impatience kills quickly.” –  Katerina Stoykova KlemerImpatient Bird

 

“Mental clarity ain’t for the faint of heart.”-  Katerina Stoykova Klemer

 

Well.

I believe we could all become more adept at making choices.  Because, if anything, we seem to have become worse at making thoughtful choices. Heck. Maybe even ANY choices.

Now.

I am all for, and a huge proponent of not dicking around <the technical term for ‘wasting time overthinking’> when a choice needs to be made.

But there is a difference between making speedy decisions and making a decision because speed is the main criteria.

Of course … this is festina lente.

Make haste slowly.

And it is becoming more important to think this way because the fear of choices … leading to making the most obvious or most popular or the most expedient <speediest> … is plaguing not only our personal lives but more importantly the business world.

Fortunately there are scientists at work trying to figure out why.

In the meantime Psychologist Barry Schwartz has put forward an interesting (and slightly disturbing) theory about choices and happiness.

 

“The more options there are, the easier it is to regret anything at all that is disappointing about the option that you chose.” – Barry Schwartz

 

Mr. Schwartz calls it the paradox of choice.

It seems the more choices we have, the less likely we are to make a decision, which ultimately makes us unhappy.  Schwartz suggests that choice has made us not freer but more paralyzed and, ultimately, not happier but more dissatisfied.

Barry Schwartz studies the link between economics and psychology.

I found it interesting because he actually suggests <kind of> that having more options doesn’t increase our overall satisfaction <benefit + happiness>.

Here is his talk on Ted:

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html

 

impatient patienceMaking choices … having the mental clarity to do so in a typically impatient world is made more difficult by the fact many of us begin by thinking of regret. Yup. The fear of choosing one thing before you even choose the other. All of this being tempered by the “now factor” <I need to make a choice now>.

I call this the internalization of opportunities/costs/loss.  Or maybe it is simply dwelling on the benefits of the next best options that have been forgone by a choice <losing something, albeit even speculatively, that you never had>.

Every choice has opportunity costs.

And since we live in a world of infinite possibilities, it’s so hard to figure out what to do, when, and where.

If you start thinking this way … well … you begin living in a world strewn with hypotheticals.

If I do A, then this will happen.impatient and irritating

But what if I do B?

Will I be happier?  Will I get back more? Will everyone around me be more satisfied?

Or what about C? That looks good.

But someone suggested D.

You get it. There are 26 letters in the alphabet and while most of us stop way before Z … even getting to D can be maddening.

It seems like the world is your oyster … everything is possible … but you don’t take advantage of any opportunities because you’re not sure of what’s best.

To make matters worse, more choices tend to raise our expectations: we think more choice = better quality.

Anyway.

I use scientific advice to suggest that there are some happy few people who look at each choice discreetly. More choices do not equal better quality to them. They do not need the ‘more’ they simply need the context. These people drive us crazy because they do not typically offer us choices <we may like ‘more’ but they offer ‘less’> but rather they offer us ‘the’ choice.

And it is often a good choice.

The best? Shit. Is there really a best? There are most often better choices than others … and they identify the better of the better.

This is typically where we end up screwing up the value of these people. Because we want ‘more choice’ and they want ‘right choice’ <and move along>.

We are impatient humans … yet we always want more … and we seem to always want it all in less time.

It is an ongoing daily struggle.

Let’s get personal first. Daily Life.

This is about how most of us are not good at assessing ROC <return on choice>  the return on whatever we have invested in making the choice as well as once the choice is made.

We suck at this.

There is the investment in developing the choices <and however many we need to feel like we have enough to assess … assuming that is a finite number>.

There is the investment in actually assessing the choices <better, betterest & best … assuming a best can be actually identified>.

There is the investment in the actual choice.

Oh.

And there is investment post-choice.  Yup. Even if we choose the rightest choice we either have angst over whether it was the best or we have angst hangover from the choice process.

Ok.

Let’s go business next.

I call this the paradox of organizational choice.

The end result is the same as Schwartz’s <too many choices creates diminished value>. But the path to the result is different <if not just as paradoxical>.

Here is that paradoxical business organization logic path.

Faster good choices are better.

Few good “choicers” <people who can do the first thought> available.

Many within organization believes they are good ‘choicers’  <and permitting them to make choices has a paradox effect of building their personal self-esteem as ‘good choicers’ while actually implementing less than optimal choices thereby encouraging poor choice making>.

Organizations, to be more efficient & effective, should drive choices <all> to the select few good ‘choicers’

Unselected majority ultimately grumpy <but organization actually benefits>.

Wow.

That is not only a paradox but a Gordian knot <or in layman’s terms … ‘playing Twister with your organization’>.

 

Look.

All I am suggesting is that some people are really good at making ‘impatient choices.’ They have that mental clarity that actually improves in impatient moments … and the maturity to slow down the moment and say ‘let’s not be so quick to make haste’ <and actually be right about it>.

But not everyone is like this.

And, in fact, they are a minority.

impatience clarityI imagine the optimal world would be to funnel all choices through this minority.

Imagine being the key word … because that is an imaginary world. We couldn’t do it.

If your life, or your business, has one or two … use them, preserve them, foster them … and trust them <you will go farther than you ever imagined>.

If you do not have the luxury of having one of them around <which by the way … is an entire article on how most of us suck at accepting someone is better at this than we are> you have to learn to manage impatience. Yeah. Easier said than done.

I imagine the point here is by acknowledging and accepting the issue gives you the opportunity to actually deal with the issue.

 

And in the end … organizational impatience leads to the permitting of poor choices <and a quicker death of a thousand cuts>.

Personal impatience in choice making probably just leads to general unhappiness <kind of a different thousand little cuts>.

Dealing with impatience … and balancing impatience & patience ? … well … it ain’t for the faint of heart.

lightbulbs die people depart

March 22nd, 2012

“Light bulbs die, my sweet. I will depart.” – Mr. Magorium

I enjoy truly good movies in that they take metaphorical characters to the extremes to make a point. And I love it when they do so to make a point about life … and living life.

Mr. Margorium’s Wonder Emporium. It’s an odd movie.

But it is an odd delightful movie.

And metaphorically speaking they box you in with the characters …

- the cynical practical responsible ‘grown up’ (lovingly called Mutant) who has lost the joy of imagination (let’s call it the magic in life) …

- the child who represents the joy that can be found when you are open to life’s magic …

- the mystical adult (Magorium) who lives in an adult world with a decidedly un-adult view (and is slightly an outcast) …

- and … well … the hopeful future (Mahoney) … entering the adult world with the spark of magic within but has trouble seeing how that spark fits in an adult world (lets call her ‘hope eternal for that which is magical in life’). <I bet I use that phrase again some day>

Let me begin with the ‘hopeful future’ and the resistance Life has a habit of those maturing into adulthood. As Mr. Magorium suggests to Mahoney … “you have a sparkle” … something reflective of something bigger trying to get out.

His advice?

You have to live … “I have.” – Mr. Magorium

Short line. Big thought. And maybe the biggest tipping point decision one has to make moving from youth to adulthood. And it is a biggie of a decision.

Anyway.

Between these 4 characters you wander through pretty much every aspect you have in your own pea-like brain.

And while the movie is meant for kids it is also fun for adults … and it is thoughtful for adults.

This movie is a wonderful little film with Natalie Portman and Dustin Hoffman. Hoffman is Magorium who has decided it is time for him to leave this world and let Portman’s character run the shop <symbolic for youth to adulthood>. Magorium is awesome. He is a man with crazy eyebrows and a pet zebra and has owned his toy store for over 113 years. Obviously this isn’t an ordinary toy store (oh … is any really good toystore anywhere truly ordinary?). This is a magical toy store that has a temper tantrum when it hears the bad news Magorium is dying. The problem is that only Magorium knows that he’s dying. He’s not sick or weak, and he doesn’t foresee some violent or accidental death. He just knows <and his may be one of the best parts> because he once found the perfect pair of shoes and fell in love with them so entirely that he bought enough to last his whole life.

And now he is on his last pair.

Therefore … his life is over.

And with that … he states ‘light bulbs die … he is simply departing’.

What a wonderful thought.

He is departing ‘a whole life.’

Don’t we all wish we could end that way? And maybe there is a part of us who like the concept of departing rather than dying.

And maybe make us think a little, through this incredibly strange character, why is his life whole (that is pretty much what the movie is about … and showing how others can also live a whole life)?
The easy lessons (kind of). He does not judge but sees things with fresh and open eyes. He doesn’t condemn actions simply encourages to act & think differently.

He treats time as a gift of freedom to think and remember and understand that which was, that which is and is willing to recreate that which is … well … impossible … to transform time.

Its not just having an imagination … it is an attitude.

“you have to believe it to see it.”

<how awesome is that thought>

And when I heard that I went back into my files and pulled this out … “seeing-is-believing is a blind spot in man’s vision”- bucky fuller.

Boy. I agree with that. It is a failure of imagination if you solely believe something must be seen to be believed. Ok. Maybe not even a failure of imagination … something worse. It is almost a belief that nothing new, nothing seemingly impossible, is possible.

So. This sometimes silly movie makes you think about all of this is and about learning to … well … unlearn. To free yourself from all the things that you ‘know’ and the things which may keep you from undiscovered roads.

And that sometimes believing in something is more important than anything else. And asking you to remember that all things which happen to you endlessly beget new thoughts that could change your life (and it’s a never ending process).

And if you do that?

Well. life is magical.  It’s kind of like a magical … toy store … as it is.

And with that thought … you hear the best advice of all …

“Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.” – Mr. Magorium

Life is an occasion.

In the end that is what the movie makes you think about … the magic within you, within any of us … that we need to rise to … or lose it.

And that is the point for Molly Mahoney who also represents “hope eternal” for all adults (the metaphor).

“What Mahoney needed was the opportunity to prove to herself that she was something more than she believed.”

Silly movie with a non-silly lesson.

You need to believe in you. And, I guess, believe that you have some magic somewhere inside you.

It is a neat lesson.

And a lesson provided in a pretty magical way.

echoes in eternity

March 8th, 2012

“what we do in life will echo in eternity” – Maximus (in Gladiator)

Because I just used this quote with regard to myself, and project global generation, I thought I would complete the thought with a full post. I kind of wrote about this thought several years ago: http://brucemctague.com/moment-to-do-the-extraordinary

I called it ‘moment to do the extraordinary’ using a quote from Admiral Collingwood at Trafalgar. Regardless.

This is kind of a simple thought (with complex ramifications).

Our actions impact others.

Oh.

And they live on.

Sometimes for eternity. Surely not all will <whew. thank god> … but some will.

And ‘what we do’ isn’t just a reflection of who we are (although it certainly reflects upon your character and how you are judged) but this is bigger than a ‘me’ type thought.

This is a “more than me” type thought.

The kind of thought that makes us think about choices and what we elect to do … because … well .., what we do echoes in eternity.

In one short sentence Maximus suggests that the way we live in time affects our present … and determines our eternity.

He suggests what we do in the present will affect not who we are and what will happen but also our future … beyond death.

Ultimately he suggests that you … well … matter.

That your thoughts matter.

That your choices matter.

That your actions matter.

And not only within this moment. But in the moments which end up in eternity.

It IS a simple thought. Your life matters not just to you but to others.

So it is simple with complex ramifications. What you do is up to you, but your life matters to the degree that you choose it to matter. All this type of thinking translates into an awareness that Life means something…when you are aware of it in a conscious way (i.e., you pay attention to it).

But it is bigger than the ‘here & now’ life you are living … this quote suggests that this makes our decisions infinitely more important than just the here and now.

Anyway. In eight relatively little words he suggests a lot … and it may seem complex <or maybe I am just making it complex> but the meaning of life is actually quite simple in that it is about choice.

Life is a conscious choice … or series of choices … on your part in that you get to choose your present, future and eternity ‘you.’ No one else. Just you. Yup. Your life, its meaning, is up to you.

In the end I imagine this is all about realizing ‘a moment’ really can matter … if you want it to.

And while you are limited in what you can see <timewise> at any point you should, and most of us do, have a sense of eternity. In that there is life, and lives, after us. And in some way … sometimes small … sometimes big … we will echo within that Life.

Maximus is correct … what you do in life does indeed echo in eternity.

Simple as that.

iacta alea est

February 29th, 2012

“the die is cast” (iacta alea est) – Julius Caesar

die is cast by HotWheeler deviantart

I was tempted to call this ‘now or never part 2.”

For this is all about post choice/decision.

And the fact there is no turning back.

The fact that “we have made our choice … and the die is cast.”

<die as in dice>

Julius Caesar said this as he crossed the Rubicon, defying the Roman Senate, and starting civil war.

Caesar was stating that he was making an irrevocable decision.

And, as dice is a game of chance, he will have to play them as they are cast.

I think more people should think this way with regard to choices. Too often I feel people think a choice is simply but of a moment. And the next moment they can make another choice.

And that may be the case … sometimes … but as noted in ‘now or never’ … not all the time.

Some choices are truly forks in the road where you cannot go back and start over.

And I believe most of us would be better off if we thought more of our choices should be thought of this way. As ‘the die have been cast.’

But, hey, that’s me.

Ok.

One more thing.

Let me take a minute to discuss an “irrevocable decision.”

“It is always thus, impelled by a state of mind which is destined not to last, that we make our irrevocable decisions.” - In Search of Lost Time, Volume II: Within a Budding Grove

Now or never is a state of mind which is but a window in time. It is there … and gone. And it is within those windows in which irrevocable decisions are made.

To use the quote … it is within this window you throw the dice.

Now.

“Irrevocable” is a lot like “forever” or maybe “never.” I mean that big, all encompassing, fraught with peril, audacious-type thoughts are captured in those little words.

And that is why many people do nothing in now or never moments. You just hold the dice.

Because it is scary to make an irrevocable decision.

It is kind of scary to know you will have thrown the dice … and will never get to throw them again. And have to play them as they lay. Regardless how they lay.

Yup. That the die have been cast.

But know this.

If you do nothing when it is now or never … Life will cast the die.

And Life will make the irrevocable decision.

Personally?

I would rather cast my own dice.

Nothing against Life but <I am sure he is a great guy or gal> … but I do not know it well enough to trust it with my fate.

waiting versus living

February 22nd, 2012

Mr. Magorium: “37 seconds.”

Molly Mahoney: “Great. Well done. Now we wait.”

Mr. Magorium: “No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime.”

- Mr. Magorium’s Wonder emporium

(here is the clip just so you can see the wacky Mr. Magorium: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9XcG7e9a4E )

I loved this.

37 seconds … well used … is a lifetime.

We breathe.

We pulse.

We regenerate.

Our hearts beat.

Our minds create.

Our souls ingest.

It makes you think of … “oh, I only wish I had time to … bla bla blaaaa …”

Or.

“I wish i had more time.” (followed by a wha wha waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa … that’s whining in case you need a definition)

Look. Here’s the deal.

Everyone has the same amount of time.

We all get 24 hours in a day. We all get 365 days every year (except one and it is really only one month anyway).

How we choose to spend that time is about prioritizing. Figuring out what is most important to us <and, yeah, I said ‘us’ and not someone else and responsibilities and stuff like that>

In fact … how you spend the time is kind of irrelevant … it’s just the fact that you actually have a choice with what you do with your time.

We make choices.

We live with the consequences.

Use your time for something useful (or don’t).

That’s up to you.

But, please, please don’t tell people you don’t have enough time.

37 seconds … when well used … is a lifetime.

doing the right thing

November 1st, 2011

“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain

So.

This one has been stewing in my pea-like brain for awhile.

Every once in awhile you have a conversation with someone that makes you think … because it kind of rocks you to your core of being.

I had one of those.

I had dinner with an old friend. This is a friend who may qualify as one of the nicest guys on the entire planet … and a guy who has seemingly lost faith in human race’s ability to do the right thing.

Sound harsh?

Well.  It sounded tough sitting there too.

And it made me not only think about him, and what got him started down this path and the ultimate place he current resides mentally, but it also made me think about us … as people.

I will begin with the crux of the discussion.

He began with “Why don’t people do the right thing when they obviously know what the right thing to do is?”

And he said it with a cynicism and disdain in talking about why people don’t do the right thing (even when it is so obvious it is impossible not to know).

This was a 3 pitchers of beer type of ‘how do I wrap my head around that question and why is it true?”

So.

The issue seems simple at its foundation.

Simple … because knowing what’s “right” isn’t enough.  People can easily discern the difference between right and wrong. We all really know the right thing to do.

Well.

Lets say 99.9% of people do.

And I say this upfront because I believe a lot of people get caught up focusing on the wrong things when thinking about this issue (because a BOATLOAD of people are thinking about this issue).

It’s in our actions that it all seems to start falling apart.

“I know I shouldn’t do this, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

Some people are so far gone that this thought is fleeting prior to taking action. But, thankfully, for most people this is a thoughtful – or thoughtful enough that it is recognizable mentally – process.

Therefore I want to focus on what happens between what we know we should do and what we actually do.

Whew.

Let me suggest several things about not doing the right thing:

  1. We are not born wanting to do the wrong thing. In fact as children we see the best in everyone. We have hope that good is the majority and is the strongest and will win out over “those who seek to do wrong.” So something goes wrong over time (ok. So something happens over time that skews that perspective).
  2. Changed perspective doesn’t happen overnight. Sure.  Some ‘big thing’ can happen that swings you 180degrees in terms of cynicism and self focus.  But more likely we begin to see questions of “do they have good intentions” creep in when assessing what actions we SHOULD take and slowly cynicism overcomes ‘light with dark’.
  3. It is now a cultural/generation issue (so I am saying it is a BIG issue). It appears we are shifting as people who used to believe ‘innocent until proven guilty’ to a culture of ‘guilty until proven innocent’. That, my friends, is a big thing.  A really big thing. And, frankly, I worry it will affect children’s attitudes as they grow up. Regardless. We are becoming a people focused on“ I have to focus on what’s right for me because if I don’t I am gonna get screwed.”

And that means while we often referred to the Millennials as the “me generation” we should be altering that to say we are ALL now in the “me generation.”

Ok.

Let’s be clear. I am NOT writing about social responsibility.  This is about individual responsibility.

This is about ‘me’ making a decision (with an eye on how it impacts the overarching ‘we’).

Look.

The gap between understanding what is right and the action is manageable – society pressure withstanding. Even though you may know something is wrong and you have a desire to want to do it you, an empowered individual, need to figure out how to leave it, this ‘me-focused-desire-thing’ in your head’s fantasyland.

Unfortunately. We are human. And the outside world affects how we think and how we behave.

I am not going to suggest this is a moral or ethical discussion (although much of it is).

I am going to suggest that the true battle today on this “do the right thing” war is more about the individual <and what is inside the individual>.

And I do so to make a point about the individualism versus collectivism construct battle (an “I versus a “we” moral construct … or ‘what is right for me’ versus ‘what is right for the ‘we’ battle).

Because the battle is, and should be, fought individually.

This is about pessimism winning out over positive.

Or even cynicism overcoming optimism.

And all these things become important because a thought becomes a belief. And a belief becomes an action. And, ultimately, an action becomes our behavior <re-occurring actions>.

All of these words I am using should be suggesting that there’s more to this issue than a simple question of right or wrong.

There are many things wrapped up in “why aren’t people doing the right thing more often.”

“I just try to do the right thing at the right time.  They may just be little things, but usually they make the difference between winning and losing.” – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Yeah.

This is about winning and losing.

Winning and losing in life. Not a game.

Plato and Socrates believed that moral virtue was the most valuable thing.

Essentially, they believed “virtue is its own reward.” The key to this lies in the notion that “virtue is the health of the soul.” Therefore doing the right thing doesn’t translate into anything tangible (ignore the whole concept of “good things happen to good people”) but rather something of a higher order self-benefit.

Uh oh.

Trouble.

Because the intangible ‘health of soul’ doesn’t mean shit when you start thinking about tangibles when we begin to view the rest of the world as “out to get me.” And we begin cocooning our decisions and center everything around “what’s in it for me” (or “I have to look out for me because no one else will’).

Yes.

I do understand that all of us have an interest in adding to our happiness, whether that is some pleasure of the moment, success in a job, or whatever it takes.

If what is right and what is in our own interest coincide, we have no problem doing the right thing. Or maybe we’re willing to do the right thing (and avoid some guilt) only if it’s a little inconveniently “not the right thing for me.”

But. It is when what is right and what makes us happy are opposites (or we feel significant risk to our benefit and happiness) when we reach a real dilemma (problem).

I am not naïve. I know that at times like this, when strong desires pull us in opposite directions, it’s hard to do the ethical ‘right’ thing <for someone else>.

And when we do resist the temptation of doing something other than the right thing we usually want to feel that somehow we’re going to get something for it. That may not be very high-minded, but most of us, when confronted with moral dilemmas, really want to ask: “What’s in it for me if I do what’s right?”

It doesn’t have to be fame and fortune, it may just be a good feeling about who we are, or it can be pain avoidance (I didn’t get screwed or yelled at or whatever). But most of us want a good positive response reason to be good.

Enough already.

Back to the core issue. Doing the right thing.

Why should we do the right thing?

A simple question. The answer, although it may seem simple, is probably the most difficult task in ethics. Legal systems and religious traditions seemingly have an easy time giving us the answer.

“We should do what’s right in order to avoid punishment for doing wrong–either in this life or the next.”

But real every day life just isn’t that simple (see the word “legal” and “religious” I used in the sentence prior and the nuances and debatable aspects of both make your head spin).

All of this is very hard to do.

Yet. It does boil down to something really simple in concept.

This all seems to boil down to “step up and do the right thing…” or “just do the right thing…”

Sounds easy.

But, once again, even that isn’t simple. Doing the right thing isn’t that easy. In fact, it’s pretty near impossible some of the time.

Someone online outlined a couple problems as examples:

1. Doing the right thing is hard work and horribly painful. – It hurts. Doing the right thing is always harder than doing the wrong thing. That’s why it’s so easy to not do the right thing. You naturally just slip into the behaviors that hurt you the least. When you have to make hard, painful decisions that affect you and the people that you love, doing the right things suddenly looks like the wrong thing.

2. Doing the right thing isn’t always clear. — What is right today might look horribly selfish and self-centered a year from now when you look back. Isn’t it better to have that introspective discussion now rather than a year from now? And even when you look at the choices in front of you with an open mind there are always a few options that you probably haven’t considered. You don’t know everything. Choosing “good” might look bad if a “better” or “best” were clear.

In every aspect you can think of … well … it is difficult to do the right thing <and be sure it is the right thing>.

Any aspect.

Figuratively, emotionally, financially and even physically.

But. Here is the deal (as I get close to finishing this rant)

In general, being successful has always been about doing the hard things.

So doing the right thing falls squarely into this category.

Yeah.

Once again. I get it. It shouldn’t be hard. And we shouldn’t have to feel pain (financially, emotionally, whatever) if we do the right thing.

But.

The only way you can truly get a grip on this ‘do the right thing’ issue is to wrap your head around the fact we are all in the hope business.

All of us.

Every day.

Even seemingly inconsequential type actions.

We all are dealers of hope. Because if we don’t do the right thing then we give no one ‘hope’ it can be better or get better.

And if we do not look at it that way then it becomes a doom loop of ‘doing the wrong things.’  How to break the loop?

Well shit.  Do the right thing.

Why? You have forgotten something. Cynicism and the belief you are gonna get screwed if you do the right thing has made you forget you can make a difference.  And even if the difference is one person … or one event … that one person maybe begets another person … and another … and then, well, you are starting to make a difference.

But someone has to be the first.

Because if we don’t step up and start doing the right things I fear in the end we will not be able to measure our lives in anything but material and tangible things.

In “here is what I have and did” rather than “did I do the right thing” measurement.

The first is great from an individual standpoint.

The second is better because it shows up on your gravestone and people stop and read it and they smile and they feel better.

It impacts others not just ‘self’ (although it does affect self in a very meaningful way)

In religious circles they state this as “setting aside pride, lust, materialism and act based upon love, compassion and self sacrifice.”

So.

As I stated earlier in this little diatribe of mine … this is NOT about social responsibility.  This is about individual responsibility.

This is about ‘me’ making a decision (with an eye on how it impacts the overarching ‘we’).

That’s what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong and that decency will somehow triumph in the end.  – Lisa Hand

My friend’s discomforting discussion reminds me we all need to step up and be a little bit of a hero. On a day to day basis.  And not for the sake of being called an actual hero but for the sake of … well … what is right.

And the impact you can have on one person … and in this case a friend. Someone who could easily have been called the nicest guy in the world and life has eroded to a state of cynicism. Because someone didn’t step up … and do the right thing. So that decency triumphs.

All that said.

And if you agree.

Then just do the right thing when you have the opportunity.

“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.”

Judy Garland, to her daughter, Liza Minelli

only one life

September 26th, 2011

“You get one life. It goes on. Until it doesn’t.” – anonymous

So.

This post isn’t going to be about ‘making the most of each moment’ or taking chances or ‘making memories’ or any of that crap (of which I have written about before).

This is just about life.  Yours.  Mine.  Anyone’s.

We get one (unless you believe in reincarnation but let’s focus on what you know you have right now).

I cannot think of anyone who doesn’t want to live their life to the fullest.

So. The big question is why do so few of us actually do so?

It almost seems like standard operating loop to live our life day after day just to survive.

Wake up.

Go to work.

Deal with people (the annoying ones as well as the ones who we laugh with).

Go home and do the tasks that “need to be done.”

Go to sleep.

(and then the doom loop gets rewound)

Think about it. The truth is that it is quite easy to wind up missing your life in what seems like a 24/7 world.

But.

You can cut the loop. Anyone can. You gotta think attitude.

Because, yes, I do believe it is all about you & your attitude with life (rather than life dictating your actions or ‘how full is full’).

And if I am right … than ‘fullest’ is really about choices.

And if I am right that is reality, well, its about time we realized life is about making choices.

Not good ones or bad ones. Just making them.

The alternative?  Not making them (ok … that was obvious).

The outcome of that ‘not making them’ alternative?

Staying in the miserable job (one that makes you miserable).

Living in an unhealthy life.

Gosh.  It can even just be doing what you are currently doing … and doing it over and over.

I won’t suggest that this is staying in a rut. It may simply be a smooth uneventful path. Minimal bumps on the road.  So smooth it just seems to slip by.

Isn’t uneventful, or not bumpy, good?  Hmmmmmmmmm. The truth? Nope.

It may feel that it should be when you look at the stressful times and the difficult times, but (if we are honest) the stress and struggles are made mostly because we, you, me, anyone did nothing.

And life did something at the same time.

A generalization?  Sure. We can all find and gladly point out exceptions to what I just wrote.

My advice (at the moment)? Ignore those exceptions.  Or put them off to the side.  Look at what’s left. And be honest.

And take note of how many of those struggles were of your own fault. Not because you did something. But rather because you DIDN’T do something.

We have one life.

One life to do.

One life to do what you want to do.

And when it ends, whenever that may be, no matter how short or how long, it is done. No more doing.

It is very very true that life is never too short or too long (hence the reason I typically dislike “life is short”).

It is what it is.

And life value, how it is ultimately measured, is not by time but rather what you do with that time.

With all that said then why does it seem that despite a great job, nice clothes and some valued (not necessarily valuable but valued nonetheless) possessions many people are still miserable and unhappy with their life?

Well. I tend to believe underlying unhappiness remains because we have lost sight of life and the real choices and the truth that life is about what you do (not what you have to show for what you have done).

And maybe because we forget that truth it seems like we all spend a boatload of our time living our lives running after material things or just completing tasks or getting medals (to show proof).

And all that running is aimed at acquiring fame, power and prestige in this world (maybe another way to say it is that we run  around seeking ‘acknowledgement’ rather than self enlightenment) because we believe within one, or all, of those things lies happiness.

Look. I am not saying material possessions or prizes/medals are not important (because they can play an important role in self esteem) but what I am trying to say is that maybe people are too mindful of these things and forget to live their life to its fullest.

Living life to the fullest is a choice.

It is a lifestyle choice.

It is a choice you make by enabling the changes in your life.

It is a choice to not be discouraged.

It is a choice to not be afraid of making mistakes.

It is a choice to leave the seemingly comfortable.

It is a choice to seek some ‘unknown’ in your life.

It is a choice to maintain the search for your purpose in life.

Oh.

Lastly. Life is about making the choice to believe in yourself.

Ok. let me clear on that last choice.

I do not believe that by simply believing in yourself that ‘anything is possible.’ Cause, well, you never know.

What I do know is that anything could possibly happen if you give yourself a chance and believe in yourself.

You have no chance if you don’t make the choice.

You have no chance if you don’t believe in yourself.

Sure. Life is chockfull of a shitload of setbacks (many of which are self inflicted – self doubt, self criticism and past failures).

However difficult, annoying and hard our journey towards our purpose and goals, we always need to remember one very simple thing.

We have but one life.

No do overs.

And it only goes on until it doesn’t.

And you have a choice on what you want to do with it before it is over.

In the end? You get just one life.

life, love, alone and togetherness

February 14th, 2011


“One day you will ask me what I love more, you or my life, and when I say my life you will walk away from me without knowing that you are my life.”

~Anonymous

Ah. Valentine’s Day.

One of my favorite days of the year (yeah … I am a diehard romantic).

It may seem like a constructed event and day, but who cares.

First. It has a significant role in that it helps the general male population not be asses all the time. Using some advertising industry lingo I think of Valentine’s Day as sort of an “aided awareness” event for guys.

Most guys stumble around through life and relationships kinda thinking they need to do something for a ‘loved one’ but unless tripped by their significant other never really do anything.  And then Valentine’s Day comes along and it is ‘game on.’

That is aided awareness at its best.

Second. Valentine’s Day should remind you of the awesomeness of togetherness.

So.

I have spent the day together, alone and semi-together (think long distance apart).

But the day itself also serves as a reminder to us (well … at least this one lifelong bachelor) about some things.  Love.  Companionship. And being alone versus loneliness.

I know I don’t think much about loneliness despite often being alone. And valentine’s day doesn’t really make me feel lonely because I have been so fortunate in my life with regard to the women in my life I tend to take the day, if I am not ‘together’ with someone, to think back on the times I was together with someone and how great it was (and how great they were).

But it does make me think about life and being alone.

Oddly loneliness and being alone really only seem to intersect in life through success.  Yeah.  Success.

Cause when success in life does come along and you don’t have someone to share it with … well … it seems to mean a lot less. Okay.  Sometimes almost nothing in the scheme of things (I know … that is harsh & extreme but it seems to capture the essence & truth of the thought).

I have a good life and a fairly successful career.  Certainly had my share of great life and career moments.  So I feel qualified in judging this thought I am sharing.

I do know that I can describe some of the big moments in my career and still have difficulty describing the heights of emotion one feels. Your heart almost explodes. It’s like how you hold your breath watching that USA gymnast in the Olympics for their entire routine and when they stick the ending flawlessly you want to shout and jump and down for them.  Only it’s exponentially bigger because it is you.  It’s personal.

But.

Maybe 4 minutes later (absolutely less than 5 minutes) there is a slightly unsettling silence that overcomes you.

Yes. In less than 250 seconds you can suddenly go from feeling the extremest high of highs to facing the harsh realization that there is no one to share it with. And that isn’t a low … it is just an emptiness.  An empty space.

Oh sure, there are family and friends.

But it’s not the same.

Because success isn’t really about congratulations or having a cheering section because that stuff I can do all by my lonesome.

In the end the victory is slightly hollow because there is nothing … absolutely nothing … better than being able to share the moment with someone who means the world to you. And without someone, well, I guess it just potentially trickles into nothingness.

Look. There are no excuses on this one.

It is easy to suggest work gets in the way of togetherness as workdays often turn into work nights and working weekends and your social life soon becomes something on your work list that you never seem to get done.

But it isn’t just work.  Its life.  I saw a friend yesterday and he said “I just didn’t have time.”  I suggested it was actually “when I had the time it just wasn’t the right time to do that.’

We sometimes become a slave to life and all the things we need to do. So when you actually do have time … whatever else you have to do (or want to do) comes down to timing (i.e., what do I feel like doing at that time). And some really good things just get passed over not because you didn’t have time but rather because it just wasn’t what you were inspired to do within that free time.

Ok.  Back to alone and togetherness.

I choose how I live my life so I am not complaining in this post.

And I am not one of those people who say there is no time or the energy to invest into a relationship.

Because bottom line it’s really not about wanting something (or wanting it bad enough) because if that right person shows up … you make time.

Chicken or egg I am not sure but it is what it is. All I really know is that it is amazing how time expands when you find that someone you want to be together with. There is no such thing as ‘not enough time.’

Here is the harsh truth.

“I’m too busy” people are one of two things – either selfish (putting everything in their own life ahead of any other person) or uninspired (no one has sparked the time expansion life postulate to make it happen).

Oh.

It took me awhile to figure that last sentence out by the way.

And I think that is what love is kinda all about.

I am pretty sure life is not about people finding balance between life, career and love. Why? Because I tend to believe true love forces balance. True love creates balance in your life. You don’t “make time” for true love. Time is always there for that kind of love.

So I guess the point of all this is that it is days like Valentine’s Day that remind me that being together is awesome.

And if you have that special someone and it takes Valentine’s Day to make you step up to the plate to tell them how special they are  … then, well, step up and do it.

Oh.

And while you do that … maybe take a second and think about those little success moments you have had in life and how awesome it was that in that moment you had someone to share it with.  Cause in the end those are truly the “valentine’s day” days. They just don’t have the chocolate and the roses and stuff.

And.

To all my past valentine’s … thanks, you were always there “… to double the joys and halve the griefs.”

Happy Valentine’s Day.

the head and change

August 12th, 2010


Ok. This is about personal change.

And maybe more specifically strength of character or positive thinking (although I typically don’t like that phrase) or just having some inner resiliency and fortitude to just start making some changes personally.

I guess in some way you have to believe that in some form or fashion you have something remarkable about yourself to be able to make some significant changes in your life.

You don’t have to believe you are special or better or stronger than anyone else. In fact many people I know who decide they need to make changes have enough insecurities (based on how they put themselves in the position to make some necessary changes) to insure they DON’T feel they are more special and stronger.

Most people sense they have a big change in front of them … it is uphill for now … and they are simply an ordinary unremarkable person.

(I am going to get back to that as an outsider looking in on a couple of these type situations)

Anyway.

But to begin the change you have to believe in some way that you have some added “remarkable” untapped strength within you.

Something a little extraordinary above your normal seemingly everyday ordinary person you are.

And it starts in your head.

Oh. And it cannot be ongoing (no one has the strength to be remarkable forever).

Let’s call it an internal ‘push’ through a transition change period.

Similar to a car changing lanes and passing you pick up speed but at some point settle back in to the non passing lane. And (to stick with the metaphor) at some point you need to stop and get some gas or relax at a rest stop.

New school. New job. New love. New life. New home. New body. New ???. Choose one.

okay. Maybe choose two.

Three? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … remember … you are an everyday ordinary person.

Pick ‘em all? Yikes. Something has to go.

I guess this is a corollary to my “making your mark” post.

If you believe you are ordinary.

If you believe you are an everyday person just doing what you need to do.

If you believe you are unremarkable.

If you believe you have some insecurity that may have some doubt creep in.

Then, yes, there are some choices to be made.

(see … I told you that change begins in the head)

Something gets left behind. Okay. Maybe it just gets prioritized lower on the list and not completely left behind.

And let’s be honest here.

This is a tough tough tough decision. I mean really fucking tough.

Because the personal change you have identified to go and ‘do’ was really big. Change is always big. Lay on top of that it is a change you feel just needs to happen. To become … well … happier. Better. Whatever.

So the objective of the change is something good. Has a very high priority. And frankly failure has no frickin’ appeal at all.

So to insure success you look at your list and make some decisions.

And something has to be on the bottom of the list. And no matter what it is on your list it is something that would make your life better or happier. And you are putting it off. To do something else.

Wow. That’s all I can say on that one.

And I believe this following thought often.

Those of us on the outside forget the difficulty of the personal choices being made. Especially if our own priority drops down on the list.

Anyway. Some little steps. To the person making the change?

Reinvention, a change of scenery, whatever.  Don’t hold back. If it is on the top of your list (or top 2) go. And do not stop.

Self image reinvention? cutting your hair or buying some new clothes and crap like that? Go get ‘em. Some physical tangible aspects tied to the head decisions are awesome when you look in the mirror. Kind of like some confirmation.

Next. Leaving stuff behind. (this is different than the choices thing above). Tell him you’re leaving, leave your job, sell some past gifts, in general, leave some baggage behind. Go get ‘em.  These decisions will pave the way for the rest of your change (and hopefully ongoing life).

Anyway.

Getting back to my “ordinary unremarkable person” comment.

I guess in the end what surprises me is how people who decide to make ‘the change’ that is really good and maybe even necessary for them to find happiness is that they undersell it in their head.

Instead of stepping forward in pursuit of something that is, frankly, remarkable … they are envisioning it as “what choice do I have .. it is something I need to do.”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …

Maybe.

I guess so.

Well. What am I thinking?

Fuck no.

This is the start of something remarkable dammit.

So you are simply an unremarkable ordinary person who is now going to make a remarkable effort to change.

Am I crazy?

I know we don’t want to make the change any more daunting then it currently appears but in the end, well, it would be nice to stand back and recognize that it … well …. took a remarkable amount of character and strength to do it.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though.

In my experience the people who have the strength of character and decide to make the needed changes in their life never recognize their own distinct ‘greatness’ (or remarkableness). Maybe its they get bogged down in the insecurities or baggage that got them to the ‘I need to change’ scenario. Maybe they dwell on the past too much. I don’t know.

All I know is that I like (and respect and admire) self admitted ordinary people who do remarkable things.

Mostly because in the end you get to tell them how awesome they are to have done what they have done (because they are still blundering around in their unremarkable belief land).

And if you pay attention on the outside looking in you can see some of the sacrifices they made when prioritizing choices in the change mode.

And, if you are really really good as an outsider, you figure out a way of making one of the choices they sacrificed upfront a possibility for them when they step out from the change.

Cause that feels good to see. Oh. And if you are really really lucky you get to be part of it.

Anyway.

Change begins in the head.

And some remarkable things can happen in your head.

making your mark in the world

August 8th, 2010


Everybody talks about building something. Or create a new life. Or get a new start on things.

All of them are aspects of aiming toward making your own personal mark on the world.

Your “mark” doesn’t have to be the front cover of Time magazine. It just may mean making sure you max out on your potential, or be the person you want to be, that has the highest likelihood of leaving a mark on the world around you.

But.

To do so something needs to be “destroyed.”

Because creation is about the destruction of something.

And it even may be something as simply as a fence or boundary.

By the way. This is not a small idea. This is truly a “big idea” (unfortunately I didn’t come up with it).

Some brilliant economist (a guy named Schumpeter) in the 50’s wrote about the concept of ‘creative destruction.’

It is used as a shorthand description for the free market’s (capitalism) messy way of creating progress.

The main thought is that creative destruction incessantly revolutionizes the economic structure from within, incessantly destroying the old one, incessantly creating a new one. Someone called it “the perennial gale of creative destruction.” (I loved that).

Anyway.

Back to “making your mark” (or having to destroy to create) or creative destruction as it pertains to people and their lives.

Herein lays the paradox of any personal progress.

A person cannot reap the rewards of creative destruction without accepting that some individuals (relationships, friends, companions, “your current circle”) might be worse off, not just in the short term, but perhaps forever. At the same time, attempts to soften the harsher aspects of creative destruction by trying to preserve or protect things will lead to stagnation and decline (in other words slowing down “making your mark” or the change necessary to enable the rewards).

This term reminds us that in personal progress pain and gain are inextricably linked. The process of creating ‘new’ does not go forward without sweeping away preexisting things (that’s the whole destruction thing).

What do I mean?

Beliefs. Progress is about learning and implementing new learning. That sometimes means letting go of old, incorrect beliefs and replacing them with more accurate beliefs. Oh. Some people around you may have liked the old beliefs better.

Behavior. This one is obvious. Changing appearance, enhancing self image, becoming healthier … all of these things mean modifying current behavior in some form or fashion.

Oh. Or it could also be tied to your revised belief structure. Your behavior may be modified by something you learned.

Oh (once again). Changing personal behavior may scare some people around you who was used to, and maybe even kinda liked, the old behavior.

Materialistic stuff. This isn’t just about purging stuff. This is about purging stuff anchored to significant memories. Memories that possibly contain baggage you want to leave behind. Think of it as getting rid of stuff that may slow you down as you move forward. Simplistically you are creating a new future by destroying parts of the past.

Self image. This is ‘destroying’ of aspects the old image in order to gain new identity aspects. This can be as simple as adapting to new responsibilities and new challenges in career. At its toughest its destroying portions of immature identity characteristics and moving in a more mature fashion in life.

In the end. Simplistically we could think of this as decluttering a life to move forward. Serious decluttering often means making hard choices about which things stay and which ones go (which people stay and which people go as well as the obvious material things).

Resistance to creative destruction is counterproductive to happiness (assuming happiness is linked to ‘not being stagnant’).

Sure. Change can, and usually will, be uncomfortable. The destroying part can be discomfiting. The creative part can be scary (you are kind of assuming people will accept the creative change).  Its when you get to where you want to go that it becomes comfortable.

And. That is the prize of personal creative destruction.

But. The process of creative destruction in our lives is an absolutely necessary part of growing and changing in a positive direction.

Last thought.

The tricky part.

Yes.

The process of creative destruction helps you pull attention from things that no longer play a valuable part in your life, and frees up energy, mental space, and yes, attention, that you can redirect to focus on new priorities.

But.

Creative destruction also mean time gets stretched in different ways. So your routine, your typical schedule, can become discombobulated (I love typing that word) and that can often throw even things and people you value out of whack. Basically you are potentially destroying your current way of life.

Anyway.

The point is that to “make your mark” at some point you will have to embrace creative destruction in some form or fashion.

THAT I can guarantee.

So.

To end this.

Schumpeter wrote about creative destruction with competition at its core. Ok. And he may be right (because I assume he was smarter than I).

But I prefer Ayn Rand’s perspective on creative destruction with regard to this topic:
A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.

So. Go make your mark. Go achieve. But do it for yourself … not with the intent to beat others.

There you go.

Fun one to write.

Enlightened Conflict