Enlightened Conflict

pushing thru it

September 15th, 2016

pushing-thru-it-exercise

 

 

“It just wasn’t a big deal to me.

 

This was an ailment that many people just power through and that’s what I thought I would do as well. I didn’t want to stop, I didn’t want to quit campaigning, I certainly didn’t want to miss the 9/11 memorial.

 

It didn’t work out so well.

 

So I got the antibiotics up and going, got the rest that I needed, and we’re going on from there.”

 

Hillary Clinton and her pneumonia

 

==================

 

I admit.

 

push-through-bad-daysI am slightly baffled by the huge kerfuffle over Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia.

 

Isn’t what she did … well … basically what you & I and every working person in the world does? We push thru whatever is ailing us until what ails us forces us to stop <or it goes away magically which is what most of us hope for>.

 

Now.

 

Clinton, or how any of us act, <disregarding doctor advice & pushing thru it> must be maddening to doctors.

 

In fact … the numbers I found suggest doctors must live a life of constant frustration.

 

Patient noncompliance is an epidemic, estimated to affect 20% to 30% of short-term therapies, 50% to 60% of long-term medication and 70% to 80% of advice about lifestyle changes. Over 50% of the 3.8 billion prescriptions written annually in the United States are taken incorrectly or not at all.

 

 

I imagine with all the online “doctors” it seems like we have all become given the massive accessibility to medical information online – much of it complex, sometimes contradictory <due to medical nuances> and often downright wrong – many people believe they can diagnose and treat all on our own.

flowers-pushing-through-the-process

And given the absurd online medical conspiracy blathering over Clinton’s health I tend to believe 90% of people somehow believe they are qualified medical professionals due to their online research <despite much of it looks a lot like ‘quackery’>.

 

And while research shows that “pushing thru” or ignoring real advice has serious repercussions – Consumer Reports showed that noncompliance with advice or treatment recommendations is the top complaint that primary care physicians have about patients and most believe it affects their ability to provide optimal care, and one in three says it does so a lot – the reality is that this is just what we people do.

 

Hillary Clinton included.

 

Frankly, we shouldn’t be surprised she didn’t tell anyone nor should we be surprised she failed to follow her doctor’s advice … because we all have done it.

And we all certainly have done it when under the pressure of some deadline we knew we were working against <a big meeting, a project deadline, a promise to a client, an election>.

 

So … that said … the whole kerfuffle baffles me.

 

It makes me scratch my head.

 

Do I believe there is some sexism riddled through this entire absurd dialogue?

Yeah. Maybe a thread.

 

Clinton has always been dogged by ‘ambitious professional versus homemaker’ questions combined with a subtle push back that a woman cannot do this particular man’s job <whatever that job may be>.

And I could argue almost every professional woman is nodding their head in agreement with what I just said as they think about their own situation.

 

But I actually believe it hits at the core of America’s gestalt.

america just do it

Our “just do it” attitude.

 

Our “we are not quitters” attitude.

 

Why do you think Americans take less vacation days and work sick more than any country? An aspect of our behavior is our attitude that we are expected to not succumb to ‘what everyday people do’ and push thru to some aspect of exceptional.

 

Is pushing thru sickness exceptional?

Well. Maybe not.

But it seems like the basic bar for who and what we are culturally.

 

And the bar gets raised even higher for workaholics and people who like what they do.

 

Anyway.

 

She’s had pneumonia, she campaigned and had a security meeting and … well … a bunch of shit before she actually went to the doctor <similar to what we all do> … she kept going despite doctor advice until it floored her <similar to what we all do> and then gets up less than a week later and starts going back to work <similar to what we all do>.

 

I could suggest that this is the sort of determination which sounds fairly presidential to me but instead I will point out that this is what 90% of Americans do when they get sick.

 

And, actually, it sounds like every mother I know … except most mothers don’t get a whole 4 days off when they’re sick.push-thru-can-will-do

 

Most women I know amaze me with their stamina and their general “no quit” attitude when getting shit done.

 

It seems to me that Hillary Clinton just represented what women do day in and day out pretty well. She wasn’t just representative of what we may desire in a presidential candidate but also representative of almost every working mother out there as well as maybe 90% of all the ‘anyones’, male or female, who goes to work every day.

.

backward glancing daydream

August 12th, 2016

life choices imperfect time moves away

 

====

 

“I was surprised, I was happy for a day in 1975 / I was puzzled by a dream, stayed with me all day in 1995.”

 

opening couplet to The State I Am In <Belle & Sebastian>

====

 

“ … the softly creaking door into their sweet, strange, drolly funny and not a little sinister world, where it’s always a backwards-glancing daydream.”

 

—–

 

writer in the Guardian about Belle & Sebastian

 

=====

 

    you:

 

let it go & move on

 

    me:

<with my fingers tightly curled around a subject, nails buried deep in it>

 

I Have

 

=======

 

So.

 

finding themselves as they go backwards forwardI tend to believe we all look back on occasion.

 

Ok.

 

We look back incessantly.

 

Especially on the good stuff.

 

Ok.

 

Especially on the bad stuff.

 

Ok.

 

Suffice it to say … good or bad … we backward glance incessantly.

 

Heck.

 

And we are creative in our backwards looking. It can be after decades, after years, after months, and … yeah … even after minutes.

 

“I always say the perfect words, five minutes after the conversation has ended.”

 

The world we look back at is a sinister little world.

 

Sinister in that the view looking backwards more often than not is rebuilt in our heads to reflect some utopian feeling moment.

 

Sinister in that we view some moment as if we were in control everything or, maybe conversely, the universe had controlled everything to occur at that moment in time <some would call this destiny or fate>.

 

Simplistically … this means backward glancing has a very uncomfortable relationship with “perfection.”

 

Yeah.

 

Perfection.

 

Because we ‘still’ time <make it stop in our viewing> this creates a wacky perception that everything was actually still in that moment. And that stillness implies control and alignment.

 

This is flawed thinking.

 

Flawed because this utopian backwards moment is great conceptually but does not even come close to reflecting the reality.reality persistent one

 

Why?

 

Well.

 

Several reasons but let me focus on our imperfection.

 

What we view backwards looking as perfect is more likely a reflection of our imperfection in the moment <or imperfections in general>.

 

Let’s maybe call those imperfections “a confluence of uncontrollable factors.”

 

And what makes that idea even worse for us is … well … we hold on to the beautifully imperfect moments with fingernails dug in.

 

To be clear … this can go both toward incredibly good memories and incredibly bad memories. Both reflections of imperfect reality which in the rear view mirror look perfectly aligned with us … or against us.  what I mean by this is that backwards looking is a completely  warped view in our heads.

 

  • The moment is made up of imperfections yet we see it perfectly.

 

  • The moment is most likely a confluence of uncontrollable factors yet we view all the factors as controllable <or we should have controlled>

 

That said.

 

This means backwards glancing is more often than not grounded in what I often call “if only thinking.”

 

I coulda, shoulda, woulda things.

 

Backwards glancing far far <far> too often glances off of several thoughts which can steer our current view in the wrong direction:

 

  • Not being good at something <or in a moment>

 

  • Not being good enough <in the moment>

 

  • Fucking something up <or a moment>

 

  • Leaving when it got too hard <or leaving in a moment>

 

Yeah.

 

As for “if only” … we can certainly change ourselves and our circumstances to some extent. I have written about this numerous times. However backwards glancing generates flawed perceptions of change.  It implies “well, if I had done this” or “if I had only been paying attention to” … you would have done the ‘right’ thing <whatever right truly is> and all would have been good.

 

Flawed thinking.

 

All that would have guaranteed is a different ourcome and  different experience. Neither of which is guaranteed to be the ‘prefect’ scenario you envision.

 

Look.

 

I believe that the past can be a great place to learn from. The past offers us the opportunity to see glimpses of who we truly are in a variety of different situations. It does provide some opportunities to gain some valuable self backwards glance where i am going stay here life pathwisdom.

 

But at the exact same time it takes some fortitude to not let the past dictate your future or even to let the past get in the way of living in the present.

 

Simplistically … backward glancing can freeze you.

Freeze you stuck in the wretched middle of the past, present and future.

 

==============

 

“And Lot’s wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been.

 But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.

 

So she was turned to a pillar of salt.

So it goes.

 

People aren’t supposed to look back.

I’m certainly not going to do it anymore.”

 

 

Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

=================

 

 

In the end.

 

Here is what I believe most of us learn by looking backwards.

 

Looking backwards it can seem quite easy to think everything would have explained itself if you had only stopped interrupting.

Looking backwards it can be difficult to discern what you should miss and what you shouldn’t miss as well as what you actually missed and what you didn’t miss.

 

 

“Do you ever catch yourself missing the things that you shouldn’t?

The people you shouldn’t?

Do you find yourself wanting them back but you know that you shouldn’t?

You suddenly remember the million reasons that you shouldn’t want them back in your life but all you can focus on is the one reason you should take them back.”

 

i think that’s a hard lesson to learn. that it’s okay to miss something but not get it back

 

/// the-homie-sexual

 

 

Unfortunately Life is not so easily explained.

 

I can pretty much promise you one thing … you missed some things you shouldn’t have, you miss some things you shouldn’t and you didn’t miss some things you should have and you don’t miss some things which you should miss.

universe backwards imagination watch

Back in 2013 I wrote about how most people either get trapped in past or trapped in the future as they live Life. I called it ‘forward without looking over your shoulder. Life is tricky. Always has been and always will. And both the past has its attractiveness <learning> as well as the future <possibilities>. And there is only balance and not perfection.

 

And maybe that is the thought of the day.

 

In the end if all we try is to make this life perfect we will fail and make ourselves miserable in the process.

And backwards glancing is a key components to making ourselves miserable.

 

 

protesting for yourself

February 21st, 2016

saving yourself

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“It’s okay to care about yourself the most. It’s okay to do what’s healthy for YOU. When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected.

It’s okay.

 

You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy.

 

You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”.

You have a right to say “Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?”

You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions.

 

The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.”

 

SonneillonV

 

=====

 

 

 

Let me begin with the controversial thought.

 

do it for yourself

It is okay to be selfish.

 

Particularly when it comes to who you are and what you believe and what you stand for.

 

 

Some people may suggest what I am discussing is having & maintaining conviction.

 

You can.

 

I will not.

 

 

I like to think of it as selfishly maintaining what is mine and no one else’s. And I kind of like being selfish in this case.

 

 

This also means you have a right to protect your selfish decision.

 

 

That may mean just as my opening quote says … “that was shitty of you” and not only do I protest … I refuse it.

“Keep your shit.”

 

Yeah.

 

 

It isn’t a popularity building type of thought I am sharing.

 

And I am certainly not suggesting it as something to do 24/7.

 

 

What I AM suggesting is you have a right to be selfish. On a variety of things but mostly with regard to self, character and beliefs <not opinions>.

 

 

And you do have a right to be selfish with regard to how people, and the world, treat your space, your thinking, your self and any character attacking interactions.

 

Maybe the reason I am purposefully using selfish is because it conveys clear, hard, well defined boundaries. And not a shell like boundary but rather a ‘cross this line’ type boundary.

 

 

Personally I believe we need to first and foremost teach young people what is important to have inside the boundaries and why a boundary is important.

 

 

Personally I believe we need to be a little less compromising when someone disrespectfully crosses our boundary.

 

 

Selfish is one of those harsh negative-implying words. But I would also suggest that in a sometimes harsh world you need to implement some harsh measures to insure you do not get treated harshly.

 

This type of selfishness is actually one of strength, one from strength … the strength of self.

 

And within this type of selfishness you have the power, the right, to protest mistreatment of your boundaries.

dont fool yourself reminder

Yeah.

 

Some people may be appalled by your push back, maybe some offended and maybe some don’t even believe you have the right.

 

They are wrong.

 

 

The world doesn’t demand you always ‘play nice’ when it hurts.

 

The world only encourages you to be respectful when you protest for yourself.

 

 

But you always … always … have the right to protest for yourself.  Any time with any one.

capacity

December 29th, 2015

capacity threshold2

—-

“Circumstances don’t define you, they reveal you.”

=

Epictetus

—-

 

 

So.

 

The holiday season often seems to challenge our capacity … time, energy, emotional and physical. Let’s just call it the ‘personal capacity challenge.”

 

Personal capacity is a tricky topic.

 

 

Tricky in that there is no standard measure of ‘capacity’ from which to measure oneself against.

 

 

capacity survive In addition … capacity expands and contracts depending on who and what is filling the capacity space … in addition … you can add in the variable of the circumstances with which capacity is dealing with which affects whatever space capacity maintains in oneself.

 

Oh.

 

 

And I am speaking of emotional capacity to “deal.” As in deal with life … not only the mind numbing blows life can deliver but also the everyday stuff life stabbing you day in and day out.

 

 

And then there are the times when Life gives you any and all at the same time.

 

Regardless.

 

 

Life demands that each and everyone of us maintain some sense of capacity.

 

 

Well.

 

I imagine this is what I am writing about.
Because we all have capacity. And we all have capacity enough to handle and manage the typical everyday shit.

 

However.

 

 

It is ‘those times’ I am speaking of … when you look at someone and look at the crappy cards Life has dealt them during some finite period of time.

success burden pixshark

This finite time represents a small space in which you feel no one should have to bear that much of a burden. And despite the fact I wish I were referring to some theoretical aspect of Life … I am not.

Unfortunately Life has a habit of asking some people to carry some fairly burdensome burdens within finite period as of time.

 

 

 

It is … well … one of the inherent duties of Life.

 

 

“Life is not theory.

It is reality, with inherent duties to everything and everyone.”

=

Tivadar Csontváry Kosztka

 

Now.

 

 

Despite the fact each of us assumes this duty differently … every one of us has a different emotional capacity.

It’s kind of like walking into the Container Store with aisle after aisle of different shaped, different sized and different ‘strength’ material in its makeup.

 

 

 

I say that because I believe we often judge others by either:

 

(a)

ourselves, or

(b)

what we believe someone’s capacity should be

<which is driven by culture, media, societal expectations>.

 

 

 

Uhm.

 

We shouldn’t.

 

 

And, frankly, we really cannot judge … unless you can place yourself in someone else’s shoes.

 

 

Why?

 

Capacity is multidimensional.

 

It is driven by experience and … well … just your own make up.

 

 

Some people just deal with all the various stuff well … and some don’t … and some get better as time goes on <although I would actually argue that everyone gets better at ‘dealing’ the more practice they get> … and some just have no, or little, capacity.

capacity 1

 

And Life tests personal capacity all the time.

 

 

We currently live in a Life culture, personal & work, that places ever more stress on the individual to achieve and to do more with less, to work longer hours, to make a greater change to the world <and to themselves>, people often find themselves pushed beyond the limits of what they can endure.

 

And that is just the common everyday stuff.

 

 

The ‘unexpected’ Life test isn’t even included.

 

 

Inevitably this all leads to personal stress … which is actually a physical response to situations.

 

 

It’s your body trying to find a way through a challenging time. Obviously … ongoing stress actually has an effect on the way you think.

 

 

But here is the deal with capacity.

 

Conceptually it is infinite <although we know it is finite>.

 

 

This concept versus reality issue comes crashing to Life only when we get to the point that we can’t cope with … well … the fact we know we can’t cope anymore.

 

 

It’s not hard to see in many cases of a meltdown what you’re looking at is someone who maxed out on their capacity … they got so far in the hole … that there was no way of getting out.

 

 

 

Now.

 

capacity expand-personal-capacity

This doesn’t mean you cannot program yourself <or cultivate> to better utilize your capacity.

 

This means acknowledging and/or containing emotional levels <anger, fear, despair> that are too high or too low <apathy, low motivation> as well as emotional things that interfere with effective change <hostility, anxiety, excessive anger, avoidance>.

 

 

“Sometimes we don’t know our own strength.

It can be hard to tell just how much weight you can safely bear, or how much will crush you.

I’d like to think you can shoulder as big a burden as you believe you can, that it’s all a matter of will.

Certainly a comforting thought.

Other times it’s hard to remember you had any strength at all.

Then you can only hope to have someone to remind you … you were once fierce and able.”

=

Everwood

 

 

There has been some well done research studies on his topic.

 

 

===

In the 1980s, Howard Gardner outlined the presence of seven domains of intelligence; two of them were interpersonal and intrapersonal – these combined were the forerunner of what we now know as emotional intelligence.

The term was first coined by Peter Salovey, professor and psychologist at Yale University, and John Mayer, professor and psychologist at the University of New Hampshire.

In 1995 Daniel Goleman, the leading expert in this field, reported “IQ is only a minor predictor of success in life, while emotional and social skills are far better predictors of success and well-being than academic intelligence.”

Daniel Goleman’s research on social and emotional competencies in his 1995 book Emotional Intelligence, brought this concept into a much needed focus.

Goleman’s work teaches us that children’s emotional and social skills can be cultivated, so that the child will accrue both short-term and long-term advantages in regard to well-being, performance and success in life.

He outlines crucial emotional competencies basic to social and emotional learning:

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–        Self and other awareness:

Understanding and identifying feelings; knowing when one’s feelings shift; understanding the difference between thinking, feeling and acting; and understanding that one’s actions have consequences in terms of others’ feelings.

=

–       Mood management:

handling and managing difficult feelings; controlling impulses; and handling anger constructively

=

–       Self-motivation:

Being able to set goals and persevere towards them with optimism and hope, even in the face of setbacks

=

–         Empathy:

Being able to put yourself “in someone else’s shoes” both cognitively and affectively; being able to take someone’s perspective; being able to show that you care

=

– Management of relationships:

Making friends, handling friendships; resolving conflicts; cooperating; collaborative learning and other social skills

===

 

dignity uncertainty conflict empathy

 

Mastering, or managing, these things results in something called ‘enhanced emotional intelligence.’

 

 

 

And, once again, emotional intelligence directly affects your emotional capacity.

 

===

Emotional Capacity is the facility of our personality and feelings and how they engage with our mental processes and the reality of the world around us.

The various aspects of our emotional capacity is the level of emotional stress we can endure, our ability to monitor our emotions and our skill at modifying our emotions – meaning our ability to eradicate emotions that are dangerous, counter-productive or illogical to have and our ability to foster positive emotions and joy when it is logical or appropriate to do so.

And a person’s emotional capacity is actually a function of their emotional intelligence.

===

 

 

 

I say all this because many people are quite content to feel what they feel … and perhaps as an afterthought to think about what they had felt.

 

<whew … I had to reread that a couple of times>

 

 

Let me try to say it this way.

 

 

Few people consciously cultivate their emotional capacity … consciously developing the power of their rational mind on what is appropriate to feel and at what intensity.

 

 

Honestly I can see why people don’t.

i do not know list
You don’t know what you don’t know.

 

=

A soldier doesn’t know how he/she will act & perform in battle.

A mother doesn’t know how she will feel if her child dies.

A pet owner doesn’t know how he/she will feel when their long time companion dies.

=

 

 

It is the actual experience that tests the boundary of capacity.

 

 

That said … all this personal experience means that you can control your capacity …. as long as you can control … well … ‘self’ … and I imagine that begins with understanding ‘self.’ What I mean by that is something called ‘understanding your emotional triggers’ … or by increasing your awareness of them.

 

 

 

An emotional trigger is an experience that draws us back into the past and causes old feelings and behaviors to arise.

 

<For example, an ice cream sandwich may remind you of your childhood summer vacations, or gossiping coworkers could bring back images of high school cliques.>

 

 

 

Some triggers are situational and some are social.

 

 

Some people smoke more when they are out for drinks with friends.

Most people tend to eat more at holiday or family gatherings.

 

 

And then there are internal triggers.

 

 

Anyway. Bottom line?

 

Just recognize the fact that we all have triggers.

 

 

And triggers are individual <often>.

I added this because we tend to try and help people we care for based on our own experiences. That leads to using our own ‘triggers’ as guide posts for what we say, suggest and support our beliefs with.

 

 

That can be a mistake.

 

 

People can react differently to the exact same stimulus.

 

Taking such variety into account improves communications and relationships.

 

 

I share all of this because if you recognize your emotional triggers you are better able to manage <or at least know> your capacity … but not necessarily others.

 

 

It helps if you learn to proceed thru life at your own pace. Life is not a sprint … it is really more of a marathon.

 

 

Lastly.

 

Help.

 

 

No matter how strong someone is … how resilient … how whatever … sometimes capacity is stretched to a bursting point. Or at least close to your capacity’s … well … capacity.

 

 

First.

 

 

Therapy is not a swear word.

Nor is it any sign of weakness. It is simply a sign that you want to get to a better place … by any and all means necessary.

The right professional help may make a big difference.

 

 

 

Second.

 

A strong support network.

Close family and friends are absolutely vital to feeling validated and nurtured.

When you’re dealing with stubborn issues, it’s always a comfort to know that you have people who care about you and want to help you.

 

 

Ok.

 

 

All that research and professional thinking aside.

 

 

As noted earlier … capacity is multi-dimensional. There is capacity within a moment … and capacity within the accumulation of moments.

 

And your personal capacity can often be defined <managed> by pushing through and not dwelling.

 

 

 

Sure.

 

 

Someone could suggest pushing through <or not dwelling> is simply a defense mechanism … a way of not dealing … a process of ignoring.

 

 

Ok.

 

 

But not dwelling is not the same as not reflecting. Not dwelling simply suggests not lingering too long in that ‘capacity moment.’

 

 

Therefore I simply suggest that it is all about pushing through the moment.

 

 

And you know why you push through these moments and choices?

 

 

Because while certain choices define the future direction of your life … choices do not end then & there.

 

 

Choices beget choices.

 

 

You will then get even more choices … maybe littler ones … but little nudge choices to course correct or make sure the original choice gets aligned optimally for whatever you really decided.

 

 

But that is part of capacity.

 

 

Despite all this ‘pushing thru’ … all these choices and decisions stored away in your head. And sometimes that doesn’t leave a lot of room for other stuff … grief … happiness … sadness … whatever … it is just all tangled up.

 

 

And all his choosing shit I am talking about inevitably creates stress … stress on the system <you overall> and stress mentally.

 

 

And stress does funny things to us <and our capacity>.

 

 

But so do circumstances beyond our control <which I imagine is linked to stress in some way>.

 

 

We all have a limit as to how far events can push us before something within us pushes back.

But.

The thing is … most of us never know that limit until we reach it.

 

—-

“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.”

=

Vernon Sanders Law

—-

 

 

This Life capacity test is a hard and brutal teacher.

 

 

life place and time

I imagine anyone’s capacity would be challenged if you spent too much time trying to untangle all the stuff stored in your head. But I honestly am not sure it is worth the energy to try and untangle shit. You should maybe just look at the highlights, maybe invest some energy untangling any knots that are truly restrictive, and move on.

 

 

 

Now.

 

 

There are certainly moments in time when Life truly tests your capacity – grief, sadness, unhappiness in combination with typical Life demands – and it fills you up to overflowing if not exploding.

 

 

 

I have seen people deal in moments like this and frankly, I am often in awe. I am not sure I would have the capacity. But what I do know is that I see these people take on the capacity tests … and those who succeed <not fail the tests> just don’t dwell too long <and too long is defined person by person> and just push through before the burdens of the moment become so heavy they cannot move to push through.

 

 

 

Moving from those moments shifts you as a person.

 

 

Call it ‘a passage in life.’

 

 

You see the world and yourself differently after you’ve gone through the events and emotional states that define each passage … these passages are emotionally and cognitively intense … as a result you fundamentally change as a person.

 

I am not saying better or worse … you just change.

 

 

All that said.

 

 

Maybe that is what I should have said upfront … personal capacity is often defined by dwelling versus pushing through.

 

 

Because in the end, if you dwell, you get squeezed.

 

 

In America’s ‘just do it’ mentality we tend to squeeze our capacity almost irresponsibly <despite the fact we believe we are being quite responsible & selfless with our capacity>. I recognize irresponsible is a tough word … but … for a group of people who like planning, milestones and objectives … we seem to leave no space for the unforeseen.

 

 

We just fill it all up to capacity.

 

 

Fill up everything … this includes time, emotion and mental space.

 

 

This creates emotional capacity challenges <because trying to do everything on our physical list also puts demands on our mental capacity … it is sometimes called ‘stress’>.

 

 

And by emotional capacity challenges I mean things like grief & unhappiness … the sudden demands that Life puts on you mentally that create capacity challenges. These individual things stress an already ‘filled to the brim’ capacity creating chaos <by overloading the already 24/7 planned and mentally filled> life>.

 

 

What this means is that you either “don’t have time” to deal or have to “make time’ to deal … all of which exponentially stretches an already maxed out capacity <or what you assume is maxed out>. All of this happening at a time when some focus would most likely help diffuse or diminish the challenges.

 

 

I mention all that to say we are often our own worst enemy with regard to capacity. We have immense capacity. More often than not more than what we believe.

 

 

However.

 

 

That doesn’t mean it is limitless. It is finite. Why test the limits?

 

 

In the end?

 

 

“Lacking even paper

I write on my heartdemons inside

turned inside out.

That is why it squeaks

at night like the earth’s axis

that turns me face to face

with the impossible.” –

=

Regina Derieva

—-

 

 

Our world squeaks as it constantly turns us toward being face to face with the impossible.

 

And, yet, face it we do.

 

And in doing so we constantly embrace our capacity.

 

 

Just don’t enjoy the embrace too much.

 

 

Because personal capacity is often defined by dwelling versus pushing through.

 

And dwelling is bad.

personal responsibility personal acceptance

December 1st, 2015

 

accountable point

===

“You’ll have to help yourself.”

Lemony Snicket

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“It may be the wrong decision, but f*ck it, it’s mine.”

Mark Z. Danielewski

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“More than anything, to me, he was dad. And what a dad. He loved us with the passion and the devotion that encompassed his life. He taught us to believe in ourselves, to stand up for ourselves, to know ourselves and to accept responsibility for ourselves.

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Justin Trudeau at his father’s funeral

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Personal responsibility is hard.

 

 

Much much harder than conceptually it sounds like it should be.

accountability actions consequences

 

I do not have any research today to show how people who have a strong sense of personal responsibility attained that character trait <although if you google it there are gobs of people with an opinion on it>.

 

 

 

For everyone who had great parents who taught them I can give you a dozen examples of people with crappy parents who have a strong sense of personal responsibility.

 

For every victim mentality person I can show different contextual situations that got them into that state of mind and, just as well, the path to a strong sense of personal responsibility is numerous and rarely a straight path.

 

 

But, even without research I will suggest a couple of things:

 

 

1. Personal acceptance.

 

letters to myself post it

To have personal responsibility you almost have to have a strong foundation of personal acceptance.

I imagine I could suggest that if it doesn’t than you are simply ‘posing’ in an attempt to look like you are responsible <and that rarely can stand the test of time>.

 

Regardless.

 

Somehow, someway people with a strong sense of personal responsibility have developed a strong sense of self. Not necessarily confidence … just self. They recognize ‘they is what they is’ and accept the flaws <and try to improve in some way> and accept their strengths <but never take them for granted>.

 

In their personal acceptance we, around them, see ‘solid.’ We love these people on our business teams and friend teams … as peers or as leaders … because regardless of their IQ or leadership skills or professional skills … they are lighthouse people in their own right.

 

These people can also be baffling to the perfectionists in the world because part of ‘personal acceptance’ is understanding, if not embracing, imperfections.

 

 

 

2. Lucky to be here but many others are just as deserving.

 

 

Let me suggest that people with an incredibly strong sense of personal fate waiters luckresponsibility will also most likely be the people who suggest they had a little luck along the way – lucky in life situations, lucky with mentors, lucky in opportunities – and even though they had worked hard they had done nothing to actually deserve the luck.

As a corollary to this thinking they would also believe, as part of the luck aspect, that there are many others just as deserving. This attitude creates a sense of responsibility for actions, behavior and attitudes. Mistakes are owned and successes are shared.

 

Some people may suggest that personal responsibility and accountability is a reflection of integrity or humility.

Well.

It may be.

But I rather believe it is more a sense of understanding that successes are more often than not a reflection of just hard work but also circumstances.

And, to that point, inherently someone with a strong sense of accountability balances success with the understanding that a portion of success is luck – luck of circumstance & luck of being the one where many were just as deserving if provided the opportunity.

 

 

 

Like I said in the beginning.

 

 

This is not based on research and you can toss this into your ‘Bruce bullshit bin’ if you want.

 

 

But I do not need research to state that personal responsibility and personal acceptance takes work. Lots of work. And lots of fortitude.

 

It is the kind of thing you spend your entire life working hard to not only ‘be’ but to live up to the character standard you have set for yourself. A standard which you will never measure others against because … well … it is personal.

 

You are accountable to your own standard and responsible to meet it. And everyone not only has the ability to set their own but they also have an unequivocal right to do so without anyone else telling them “how to be accountable.”

 

 

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“It was instead something that we would have to spend the rest of our lives to work very hard to live up to.”

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Spike Leeself unpronounceable

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Personal responsibility is actually one of Life’s lightest burdens if you choose to accept it. That is why I am so often surprised by how many people actually do not accept this burden.

 

But, in the end, personal responsibility is a personal choice. No one can convince you to do it or be that way. You have to help yourself on this one because no one else can.

Enlightened Conflict