Enlightened Conflict

products of our youth

March 2nd, 2012

So.

I often wonder why people do the things they do. Oh. And stress. How they deal with stress. In work life or personal life. Because stress certainly brings out the extremes in people.

For some reason, lately, I have seen a number of situations in work and outside of work which have made me scratch my head.

Stress is an odd thing. It makes seemingly rational people do some quite irrational things (or exhibit some short term irrational behavior). To be fair … stress also can bring out the best in some people.

Anyway.

Me being me … I watch not only because I am curious but also because I think effective leadership is often significantly defined by how you deal with stress. Because stress situations are “judgment” times. Moments when things happen … or they don’t happen … and are scrutinized within the moment … and from a distance. Leaders should think about this shit. Because I often believe leaders forget that they are always watched … always … as an example of how to do or not do things.

And I often believe leaders forget their actions beget a culture or work environment.

And while I believe parents <who are leaders in their own world> NEVER forget this (that their actions beget a culture) I do believe stress short circuits this understanding and they do some irrational shit (which, I hate to break the news to us adults, is not solved by simply going back and trying to correct it … because the impact of that irrational behavior triggers a deep imprint in a child’s rational mind … and forever stored – to forever haunt not only us adults but their own behavior at some point).

Anyway.

Suffice it to say simplistically that leaders and parents actions beget “how to act rules of the road” for others as the road winds its way toward some horizon. And it behooves us to remember that <unfortunately we need to remember that 24/7>.

So. All that said.

As with thinking about most things like this … it creates a little self reflection. Not naval gazing type reflection but rather ‘why I act the way I do’ type reflection. And just to be clear it isn’t naval gazing in terms of self understanding but rather learning & understanding to reflect upon leadership, or how I act, in times of stress.

I guess, in particular, I am looking specifically at leadership as a parent (although I am not one) and leadership in terms of people who follow your lead (so I put this self reflection exercise down as one that can help me as I teach high school students and such). But I imagine it won’t hurt in the workplace either.

Inevitably this type of reflection slips back to one’s youth. Yup. Childhood.

Because whether we like it or not … we are products of our youth.

For it is in childhood that the majority of our attitudes and behaviors took root. No … to be clear … I do not believe we ‘become our parents’ as we get older. I believe we become products of our youth (of which significant portions are certainly impacted by our parents – or any significant adult exposure) but it is more experiences, and experiential, and the imprints those experiences have left upon us. Some good. Some bad. But they are there. They direct our instinctual behavior. Sure. They can be ‘over-rided’ with some thought but many times, because they are instinctual, we don’t even think about over-riding them.

Regardless.

It pays to step back and look. Understanding the “reason why I do things” may not change anything you actually do. But it may change how you THINK about what you do. Worthwhile effort? Shit. I don’t know. I know I think so. I believe it is always healthy to peel back the layers and recognize the “why I do” aspect. And sometimes, just sometimes, the exercise may actually change what you do. And that’s gotta be a good thing, right? (he says hopefully)

Anyway.

I am going to tell you some stuff about me growing up and I am NOT suggesting any of my parent readers don’t know how to parent your child or anything. This is simply telling you stuff and, if it is relevant or useful, use it.

So.

My parents worried about my grades a lot, incessantly as a matter of fact, and whether I was going to “live up to my abilities.” Apparently I had “tested well” as a child and both my parents also had education expectations. That was okay (and I do believe it is okay as a general rule).

But they also had preparation/studying expectations.

And that included a lot of ongoing pressure and nagging and unrelenting point of view on how it had to be done in order to be successful.

First.

Because they stressed and put pressure on every single testing event (especially the more important ones) … I stressed.

And I would purposefully study less and appear to casually prepare … not because I wanted to piss them off (although they certainly did on occasion and absolutely would get very very frustrated) or do poorly but rather because it was my way of decreasing my own stress and clearing my head on stuff.

Over time I actually learned how to manage what I needed to do to succeed … as well as what I needed to do to get myself out of the parental (leadership) stress zone.

But my “self program to succeed” had some repercussions … during preparation I would sometimes look ‘not as smart’ (even though I found a lot of it boring and didn’t really feel like investing a lot of energy on things I didn’t think I would have to work that hard on to do well on) and it would stress my parents out … and … well … unfortunately the doom loop continued. They stressed … put stress on me … I did what I needed to do to defuse my stress so I could succeed … and they got stressed because of that.

So I was a stressed out kid. Geez. Just typing it stressed me out.

But I would continue to get good grades. Which for some unfortunate reasons did not decrease stress within the process itself.

Second.

The problem. When I DIDN’T get good grades <an A> invariably they would then ‘ramp up’ the stress of ‘you didn’t prepare well’ … ‘you should have studied more’ … ‘you need to care more’ … and that was a different doom loop.

And a difficult doom loop because no matter how smart I was I wasn’t going to get straight A’s (well. that’s not true. I would imagine if I had really cared to do so I may have had a shot at it). This particular doom loop is a sonuvabitch … because it is a self fulfilling loop, i.e., everyone doesn’t max out every time therefore, in the end, the exceptions (the non-A’s) dictate the loop.

So any non-A’s seemed to feed their focus on the exception rather than the rule. And that was additional stress.

Third.

When I finally got old enough … I tried cutting the doom loop by dealing with it (surprisingly my father did okay with it but my mother was relentless with regard to pressuring to ‘do it the only way she believed it should be done’). I finally told them when they got all over my ass “look. Let me do it my way. If I don’t do well then I will do it your way. But until then can you just shut up and let me do it my way?”

This was quasi-successful.

What I mean by that … is see #2, the exception rule, all over again.

If you aren’t 100% successful doing it this way than the one, or two, exceptions become the proof points for failure of system.

Fourth.

My solution (warped as it may have been). Because everything had to be done my parents’ way (education and studying wise) I would figure out a way to do about 50% of what they wanted (and go out of my way to show them I was doing so). Invest maybe 30% of my time doing it the way I wanted. And used the free 20% to actually do things I wanted to do (which had nothing to do with grades or studying).

The math didn’t work but it was my solution. The math? Unfortunately even if you are good you never get 100% right. So no matter how you slice the %’s my parents were unhappy about school and studying and stressing out over tests and homework and whatever so that in the end <sticking with the math> over 50% of all the time with me and school.

(that was an algebraic perspective on a stress situation … never to be found in any school book)

If you didn’t follow it suffice it to say that over 50% of the time my parents were all over my ass just on education <all the other stuff is a completely different post>.

I say all this for a couple of reasons:

- because I get asked about teaching and unlocking kids thinking potential a lot by parents.

And whenever parents ask me about teaching kids and working with kids I almost always open up with “just because you think a way is the best way it may not be the best way for your child.”

Invariably they ask “so how do I know the best way?”

And I say “you don’t.”

But I do suggest that what matters is ‘if the way you are 100% positive is the way to do it is not getting the results you are positive you should be getting … then rather than get frustrated maybe try a different way.’ In other words … your 100% positive ain’t 100% right.

Now.

I know that sounds simplistic but oftentimes the most obvious simple solution is also oftentimes the most difficult to do.

Second.

Why does it really matter?

We are a product of your youth.

- It means we can also take those same memories and start generalizing them to similar or future situations, with the unhappy result that we become increasingly fearful and avoid events, people or activities we perceive as threatening to our emotional well-being.

This is a fact (proven by research as it is)

It turns out that fear and anxiety can also be learned and passed on to future generations. According to Livingston (2009), children who grow up with parents who show a lot of anxiety or apprehensiveness, or who convey an exaggerated sense of the world as a dangerous place, are themselves more likely to develop unreasonable fears as they grow up.

It becomes easy to see how quickly successive generations within a family could experience generalized anxieties and fears but might not make the link as to how they came to be more anxious than their peers.

Anyway.

Store it away. This is probably not useful but I wanted to share.

I know I was sometimes seemingly unfocused and bored. Sometimes I was … and sometimes it was just my way of dealing with everything else around me.

As an adult this now shows up during moments of stress.

I am so calm it almost seems like I am unfocused and bored to others.

It is just my way of keeping everything clear in my head so I CAN perform.

Look at yourself today.

I promise you, yes, promise you … you are a product of your youth.

Yeah.

I admit that I have certainly fought my way through some “product of youth aspects” and change not only my behavior but my attitudes (yes … they are linked) but other things are simply my coping mechanisms to be successful (and keep my head from exploding … which is a bad thing by the way).

Quirks?

Possibly.

Truths of youth? Sure.

trivial and important events

September 17th, 2010

“The most important events are often determined by very trivial causes.”

Cicero

So. As a self proclaimed “collector of moments” I lined up all these quotes with a couple thoughts in mind.

Life is not as big as we make it out to be. It is actually a collection of smaller more trivial looking moments. The struggle is that life moves so frickin’ fast sometimes that you have to figure out how to do what I call “slow down the moment.” I don’t care if its work, or family or a relationship. You have to seek out the small to make sure the big turns out the way you want it to be. Or maybe better said the way it should be
The small gesture in the trivial looking moment. Okay. Yes. It does matter what you do with the seemingly trivial moment. If you collect all the moments you took a moment and made a gesture in a seemingly trivial moment you will probably get a good gauge on your character.

Life is not as big as we make it out to be.

Sure. Life is a big event. And we have a habit of focusing on the big events that make up life.

Mostly because they are … well … big.

It is only when pushed we remember the moment before the moment. The seemingly trivial event that triggered the “big event.”

And then there are the trivial moments that don’t really impact “larger events” but rather simply let us enjoy the bigness of life through their smallness.

Like if we pay close enough attention we can also see even more trivial moments …. moments in daily life when we are suddenly caught by a seemingly trivial moment. Think of it maybe as the way an artist can focus an eye on everyday scenes or moments or becomes involved in a seemingly different dimension of an ordinary moment and is able to capture something important from something seemingly trivial. In life we are all artists (using this description).

Life just seems bigger because it I so easy to get caught up in the muddy Mississippi River of your life running its course with tugboats running back & forth pushing shit up and down it.

Ah. Those small gestures in trivial looking moments.

It really can matter what you do with a moment.

Now. I am a words guy. So sometimes a gesture can certainly be a word. Or a small group of words.

But in this case I tend to believe actions speak louder than words.

Coleridge (who, if he were still alive, would be posting shit like this on his blog) says it well:

“The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions-the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitesimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling.”

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Now. Coleridge was alive in the late 1700’s . I guess I mention this to show that the more things change the more they stay the same.

Oh. I love that word “infinitesimals.” Limitless. Infinite. Everlasting. It has a component of all these.

Anyway.

In today’s world it seems we prefer using short and fast ways of communication.

Texting, the quick email, some non face to face minute fractions gestures.

Happiness in life runs the risk of being overwhelmed in a cacophony of constant uninterrupted noise (where trivial moments are more difficult to not only find but cram in-between everything else).

You even hear it on radio and television where announcers are cramming more words into a minute then you would ever think are possible. It shows up in our language choice and our actions (when is the last time someone took a second to say thank you when they are rushing to get from one task to another). This has nothing to do with some genetic change in us but rather the way life seems to be running us (rather than us running life).

I did laugh about his one a little because just the other night I tried to use a text message to communicate a relatively important thing. After several emails I caught myself and realized ‘short and fast’ was probably not the most effective way … and picked up the phone.

So gestures, simple gestures, are ways of making somewhat seemingly trivial moments more important. Because, well, some moments deserve to be pulled out of trivial status and put into the important pile.

Small gestures can do wonders. And in today’s hectic life it is difficult to have time to make grand gestures. I am going to use an extreme example here but, realistically, as we look around our days and lives how often do we really have to do something big … like really big … like Shah Jahan who built Taj Mahal for his beloved. Not many of us have the time (or the resources) for something that big but we certainly have time to ‘stop’ a seemingly trivial moment and make a gesture (but if you have plans to build a Taj type thing for someone I would plan on getting started now).

But the gesture. Ah. Gestures. Even a small gesture can show the moment bears a value far beyond the trivial. And in a way it can give life permission to invest full energy down a road of possibilities.

But in the end?

There really isn’t such a thing as a trivial moment. Think about this a little before you scoff.

Think about it by working backwards. Important events don’t just happen. They are typically triggered by something.

uhm.

Something that seems trivial at the moment but looking backwards was something that started the dominoes falling.

Look. I know we cannot treat every moment as ‘important.’ It’s just not possible.

But. Each moment is like a brick in the foundation of your life. As you place each brick in its place recognize that each represents one small effort that can impact the total effort. That’s it.

Oh. And one last thought from a woman who thought nothing was trivial:

“”People say, ‘What is the sense of our small effort?’ They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time. A pebble cast into a pond causes ripples that spread in all directions. Each one of our thoughts, words and deeds is like that. No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There’s too much work to do.” Dorothy Day

dealing with aging parent issues

August 14th, 2010

Several people have asked me to write about my experience with my mother as we discussed, reached a decision and actually moved her from independent living in her own home to a full care “cruise ship in a building” senior complex and my move to the west coast.

Well.

This is a complex discussion so I have attempted to break down each phase of the process as I, and my sister, encountered it (and tried to not make it a list but rather give a glimpse of all the behind-the-scenes stuff going on.

- Having the conversation: getting started (sucking it up and beginning the conversation with your parents even if they don’t want to)

- Translating the Conversation hieroglyphics: you think they are thinking and saying words you recognize but it is entirely different language

- Managing the discussion: before you can reach a decision there will be dozens of discussions addressing a wide variety of objections and concerns (and you will come back to them again and again)

- The Key Issue: you are thinking freedom to enjoy the last phase of their lives … they are simply thinking death

- The dreaded Money Discussion: money is always uncomfortable to talk about and this discussion will do nothing to disprove that thought

- The Purging Phase: moving means purging things … and how ‘the purge’ can unravel everything you have discussed and agreed on up to this point.

It is a complex multi variable discussion.

But.

Hopefully this will help isolate several key things to focus on throughout the process and you can land on a decision to insure your parents get to enjoy what should be their golden years (and you can stress a little less and live your own life).

Having “The Conversation”

If I had to choose one reason to suck it up and start the discussion it is that discussion uncovers the timing rather than having events drive the timing. As I will talk about later there is a window of time to transition your parents that is “right” (or maybe better said as good timing as you can get) and it is only some discussion that will uncover it.

What exactly is “having the conversation”?

Well.

First I am specifically talking at this minute about the first step. Opening up the conversation. It is fraught with peril. Suffice it to say estimate 90% of what you will say upfront will be wrong, taken wrong or lead to the wrong next discussions.

But, hey, you got 10% right. But even with the 10% you have to stick with it and start getting higher percentages.

Secondly.

Having the conversation is 2 years. Okay. Or however many years or months it takes to have the conversation. My sister and I talked with my mother about this off and on for over 2 years <or longer> I would bet. Maybe even three. As with anything the more we did it the better we got at it. And upfront I believe both my sister and I helped ourselves out by knowing we weren’t pushing toward an imminent decision but rather gathering information and discussing options for an inevitable decision.

I would imagine the best thing I can suggest on having the discussion is that the discussion IS inevitable. You cannot avoid it.

So. You may as well start it sooner rather than later.

The summary of this particular thought? It’s not just one conversation. Even in a crisis situation it is not one conversation.

Oh.

If you are waiting for your parents to initiate this conversation you may wait a very long time. They may (but don’t count on it). They may drop some hints on concerns or “what is the plan” (but don’t count on it) or they may share future thinking in discussing something they fear <loss of mobility, hearing, sight, etc.> But. This is simple (if difficult to actually do). If you don’t start the discussion than you will never know what they are thinking and be sure everything is all thought out.

- “the fishing expedition”

Ok. So in the beginning it helps if you aren’t trying to reach any decisions but begin by “fishing.” I guess it’s a little bit about you and a little bit about them. Of course, me being me, I err on the side of referring to my handy dandy Buying Process thinking mostly because it helps me slot issues and thoughts in tidy compartments. Then I can isolate what is most important and refocus time and time again on certain aspects (just in I have to return to an issue – of which you will).

What I am specifically talking about here is Predisposition and Stimulus. In the initial fishing expedition you are looking around for what your parents feel about options. Where there head is at. What options do they consider and why (and what ones they don’t and why). This also helps you think about your own pre-conceptions of alternatives. This initial discussion will bring up a range of information tidbits which somehow you need to store away once you shift activity into the “so let’s start considering options” phase later on.

You also get to assess emotional versus functional things. Emotionally what are objections. Emotionally what would make them happiest. Emotionally what scares them. Functionally what help or assistance is going to be needed (or do they even believe they will need help at some point). The functional aspect is very important because it helps you understand the Stimulus phase. In other words, what needs to happen in their minds before they would be stimulated to even consider moving.

Lastly. The fishing expedition helps you and what is going on in your own head. What you may want for your parents. How you feel about the options. What can you afford to do. What role you are willing or can play.

Step one is hard.

Because it is hard on both of you.

They don’t want to think about ‘the end’ and you don’t want to think about your parents not being around forever. But. You are doing it to insure time is maximized. Yours and theirs. So get going.

Translating the Conversation Hieroglyphics

Wow. This one, conversation vocabulary & issues, really took some thinking and mental gymnastics to get a grip on. I was thankful I have had lots of experience in organizational behavior management as well as focus group (or relevant consumer research) experience. But. In general it didn’t matter. You don’t get a Rosetta Stone for these hieroglyphics (sure … you can read some things like I am writing and other more scientific things and they all help). This is truly listening & responding type stuff. You may have some things in your own pea-like brain to discuss with logic wrapped around it but you are kind of at mercy of what words and thoughts are being produced by your parents. And in that we are the ‘lost generation’ <that was a joke with a grain of truth>.

Why “lost” in this situation? Think experiential. We just don’t have the personal experience. The best example I can come up with is dealing with teenagers versus our parents.

With teenagers they have their own language and angst and issues that we are completely lost dealing with (or understanding at their level). But. We have been teenagers ourselves. Stored away in the back of our minds conveniently tucked away so we don’t have to relive all those horrible teenager moments are the experiences we and our friends had when we went through it. At least (if we pull some of those memories back out again) we have some foundation to leverage from in order to deal with teenager even if their world and language is hieroglyphics to us.

Our parents? Not so much. We are guessing what they are going through because we have never been there. And that makes it tough because you don’t know how you will feel when you get there. I believe (in general terms) in middle age we are “living life and planning for the future” and seniors “living their future” … and that future is a sharp edge of reality and time. I would imagine by this time they have all the memories they want and that the only thing that is real to them is the future – or whatever is left of it.

Look. It is very easy for me to say now “hey, when my time is up my time is up.” But when I am 78 do an additional 5 or 10 or even 20 years look a little more valuable to me? Do I get a little scared of reaching the finish line? The answer I would guess is yes on both of those. And unlike dealing with teens you can’t put yourself back in any shoes to think about it. You are trying to put their shoes on (and it is uncomfortable).

Let’s compound the issue by Depression year’s learnings. Ok. Sure. We are currently in a depression, oops, recession, but we grew up in a boom time. We are so far out of our comfort zone right now it is nuts. And all of a sudden we are trying to communicate with a group of people who grew up with depression memories and behavior patterns. It makes the experiential aspect even more challenging.

Managing the discussion

Think in 3’s. That is what I always tried to tell my groups when presenting innovative ideas to clients. You never “close” in one meeting. In general I have seen it takes three meetings to discuss a topic or an idea for it to settle in and have the idea transfer from the presenter to the presented.

Now. Here’s the hard part with this discussion. It’s not just one idea. It’s a larger idea with multiple components. So when I say think in threes that is three for each component (or maybe instead of component think of it as “parent objection/response benefit”). So if there are 10 different components you are discussing this over 30 discussions or so.

On top of that (as I always tried to tell my groups) … no discussion is closed until an action is taken. What I mean by that is be prepared that even though you have had your three discussions on say “I can’t afford to move” or “I can take care of myself” and you have resolved it, the topic will arise again and you will need to remind your parent of the discussion and provide affirmation for the decision “they made” from that discussion.

Remember. I said upfront this is an elongated discussion. And, frankly, I don’t know why we wouldn’t expect it to be. In the business world the truly innovative difficult decisions typically take a year cycle. Present, discuss several times, table because other important issues come up and then it “boomerangs” back in about a year or so. Each component discussion you have will “boomerang” again. It’s not a big deal. Just be aware of it.

Oh. Hint. Don’t say “we talked about this” every time it comes up. They know that. They want to talk about it again and seek some reassurance it was a good discussion and decision.

The Key Issue (s):

My sister really nailed the second key issue (or let’s says she identified it more clearly than I) but here are the two key issues I see:

1. Associations with death.

While I fear I am going to make a generalization based on my own experience my gut tells me everyone will be facing at minimum a derivative of this key issue.

Death versus Freedom.

2. Role of Home as part of their identity

How your parents see their existing living space as part of their identity will set the foundation for future decision-making with regard to “where do I park my butt” as I near the finish line.

Ok. Let me explain both.

Associations with death.

I like trying to encapsulate the issue into one word response statements. As soon as you start discussing where your parents will go from their current situation … they begin to think “so, you want me to move somewhere so I can die.” While you are thinking “I want to get them someplace so they have freedom to live life to its fullest.”

I don’t care how many logical reasons you attach to a transition from current home to a new home (assisted, independent but safer, full care, etc.) it will come down to “My last move. Going to the place I will die.”

Period.

Whether they have the guts to say it out loud or it is in their minds it will be rattling around in their heads as they go through this process. Deal with the fact you won’t ever overcome it (because they are literally correct). All you can do is minimize it. And how do you do that?

Well. Freedom revolves around the concept of assistance, or help. What I mean is “as you get older you will need help.” The sooner you start talking about his with senior parents the better off you will be. My sister and I got very lucky in that our mother had a doctor who spoke about that often (in realistic non confrontational, non ‘hurrying’ ways). So we could have realistic conversations about her increased need for help at some point, the possible timelines for that help and when was the best time to insure she had access to that help (like before she needed it or when she actually needed it).

< By the way. I am leaving money out of this portion because I have an entire section on that topic. >

Timing is tricky. Senior advisers always say (kind of flippantly I may add) “it is always better to put yourself in position to get help before you actually need help.” Well. No shit Sherlock. But this is a balancing act you learn in the business world.

Too soon to market and sit around regretting the rush to be there (and wasted resources).

Too late to market and you get crushed under trying to catch up.

The trick in the business world is recognizing the window and getting through it in the approximate right time (doesn’t mean you have to hit it dead center just somewhere in the window).

I won’t even attempt to tell you what the appropriate timing is. It will be different in every family’s judgment. I am simply telling everyone that this isn’t about insuring you get them somewhere to insure they have the help for maximizing freedom in their lives … it is also about when it happens that matters. And a doctor really cannot help you much on this early in the process. Because being a doctor often means he/she cannot be specific on timing (despite what we want they do not have a crystal ball) they are forced to say things like “at some point you will need ‘this’ kind of help but it may be 6 months or 6 years, however, you WILL need ‘this’ kind of help.”

Unfortunately that means unless you are in the throes of a health crisis, you, the one having the conversation with your parent, have to assess timing and the window I am talking about.

Oh.

Then there is Part 2.

Home as part of their identity.

If the house is inextricably linked to your parents’ identity then it makes these decisions hard to almost impossible.

If your home is important to you but not your primary way of defining yourself then the transition can be easier.

Our grandfather was “easy” because he worked outside the home. His home was a place that he was proud of but that wasn’t his identify.

Our mother was sort of easy because she moved as an adult, worked outside of the home, etc. She was and is proud of where she lived but it wasn’t what defined her.

On the other hand some people, though they had many outside interests, defined themselves by their home. Their home was their identity. Top 3 was family, home, and church. I’m not sure if I could put them in rank order since they all could be equally important at times.

So. My sister, who has been through four personal experiences, each a different situation, suggested I outline them this way:

a. Grandpa was relatively easy. He understood Mom wasn’t going to move to NY and yet he also knew he couldn’t stay in New Hyde Park alone. He clearly was thinking about it since there was a short discussion about him moving and sharing a home with another relative. That never got beyond the mentioning phase but it was there. We had a little crisis in the house selling phase (his town tried to assess him for the fireplace saying he installed it 50 years ago) but I think the actual moving out of the house was more traumatic for everyone else. He was ready to move and start a new phase of his life. We certainly would have had a completely different experience if this had been Grandma. I’m not sure we ever would have gotten her to move until a crisis occurred. (See point c.)

I think it is partly generational and partly life experience but what I mean is Grandma never worked out of the home and so her home was her identity.

Grandpa had a career and so his home was a place of pride but not his identity.

b. Mom had been talking about moving for several years. I think it helped that someone she knew was there so she could see that it was a “cruise ship” and not a nursing home. Mom’s identity was not her home. She moved several times as an adult and worked out of the home.

She also ran the home while Dad traveled and then was well prepared to do the same after he died. She also picked where she wanted to move to. I can only imagine how horrible the discussion would have been if she didn’t like the location she ended up liking but felt she had to move to “a place like that”. The key was she felt she was in control and was (at least in some part) driving the process.

c. My husband’s mother never moved to a retirement community. She went from her home to a nursing home. She would never consider anything like a retirement community.

Why? Her home was a big part of her identity. She had outside interests but really didn’t work outside the house after she got married and she never moved. Also her house had many memories of her family and husband. This may be a generational thing but we heard many times “the only way I’m leaving this house is when you carry me out”. And, no surprise, that’s what happened.

d. My husband’s aunt (the older sister of his Mom). She had no children and had been talking about moving into a retirement community several years before her sister died. She worked off and on outside the home. Her home was important but I never felt it was her “identity”. She spent several years touring retirement communities and finally had picked one (she said if she had to move she wanted to go to a specific “shopped” location). She then fell and had to leave her home. The good news is that we knew where she wanted to move to so the family was able to sell her home, get her an apartment at the chosen location, and get her settled quickly. There was no “where does she want to move to” discussions. We knew where.

Okay. Last part about timing.

Yes.

Age and health matters.

Our grandfather was 90 when he moved. Other than his hearing he was healthy and active. He walked without assistance and was able to stay active. The hearing issue was a drawback but he was genuinely interested in people and life and thus made friends. He attended any and every program the location he moved to offered. His mantra was “If they come the least I can do is attend”. Was he lonely at times? Yes, especially after his friend died (he played shuffle board with Jack) but on the whole he was the “poster boy” for assisted living.

Our mother is in her late 70′s. She is relatively healthy. She still can drive and get around on her own. She also is able to get involved in activities at the location she moved to and thus make friends (and also meet the “mean girls”). She is slowly starting to attend activities.

Husband’s aunt moved into the retirement community at age 90. By the time she moved in she needed to use a walker and is quite deaf. She has made 1 or 2 friends but spends most of her time in her apartment. Alone. Waiting for visitors.

But.

In all cases there is a close relative(s) to help.

Mom for Grandfather. Son for Mother. Son and uncle for Aunt/sister.

It really helps if someone is nearby and within close driving distance to help with the paperwork (which can be very overwhelming), selling the house, getting financials in order, medications set, etc. etc. etc.

Ok.

Next.

The Dreaded Money Discussion

Remember. Parents moving into the “I need help and what do I do” phase is the generation who were dramatically affected by America’s Great Depression. And they carry the weight of that experience even today. The stories of people who spent the rest of their lives saving aluminum foil or hoarding tea bags and notepads aren’t folklore, but the long-lasting results of preparing for lean times to reoccur. They have lived simply, with a sense of risk-aversion, and “financially secure” isn’t a concept they accept easily.

Me? I hate money (I like having it … I just hate the discussions and issues it creates).

The issue that lurks in the backs of this generation’s minds (your parents): “They want my money.”

I am telling you it is there.

My mother knows we don’t want her money. We have stated numerous times we hope that she runs out of money the exact day she dies so she can use everything she has. We want her to spend every penny she has on herself and her life. But it lurks. I have talked with several friends who have started discussions with their parents and the issue lurks there too. All you can do is constantly be aware this issue lurks and constantly, when given the appropriate opportunity, say and do things that reinforce your parents’ money is theirs to spend (and if they run out you will do whatever you can to insure they won’t be sleeping under some bridge).

This lurking issue makes the money discussion even more difficult because to truly assist in the decision you have to do a little financial planning. What can they afford and for how long and all that stuff. But. Here’s the deal about the money discussion. You have to have it regardless of whether they insist on staying where they are or they decide to move. Because, once again, “they will need help.” And you need to assess what position they are in to afford the help they will need.

I really cannot add much here other than to warn you this is a horribly uncomfortable discussion. And suggest that no matter what you take the ‘high road’ within the discussion and take nothing personally and focus on the destination not the journey.

Oh. One last thing about money.

Interestingly … money can help you overcome one topic. “Why can’t I/we just move in with you” or “why can’t you move closer to help.” If there is one thing this generation understands it’s the value of earning and saving. If you tie your own earnings or “being prepared for lean times” with the “why can’t” questions you have a fighting chance to overcome it (if that’s what you want to do). Once again remember even that discussion thread is a balancing act. You need to be sure your own “preparation for a lean time’ cannot be construed as “I want some of your money.”

The Purging Phase

Ok. You have run the discussion and decision gauntlet and have lived to tell the tale. Your parents are moving. Somewhere. The ‘purge’ begins. And if you are not careful it is the beginning of the end. Purging is painful. Purging sucks. Purging is costly (value to actual dollar). I have written an entire post on Purging Sucks and the two aspects of it (the second part is more positive experience than the first part).

There you go. I could provide significantly more detail on each aspect but this is an overview to get you prepared and going. My thoughts are certainly skewed by my own experience but I imagine my business experience has permitted me a little “broadening” of perspective. Some aspects I share, especially in the purging, are extremely personal to my situation but they should serve as examples of what you may face. I will end this by saying my mother is now in a full care complex (I think that simply means she will never have to move regardless whether she stays in her current active healthy independent living space life or reaches a situation where she needs to be shifted to a full care nursing environment. She is still struggling to be comfortable in a more “communal” living environment instead of her own home but each week she seems to be better about where she is.

Hope this helps.

Oh. Lastly. A sobering note. This was actually a thought from my sister in commenting on what I wrote.

“You left out the drama. As you point out none of the discussions are easy but at times they are downright horrible. Crying, yelling, slamming of doors, accusations, acting out…all of that happened and will continue to happen. I’m not saying that drama is constant but there is drama and it can be wearing for everyone. There is humor too but that is often lost in the heat of the moment and, sadly, usually what is remembered. My guess is we’ll all remember the drama a lot longer than we remember the funny moments.”

As we get older and our parents get older … nothing gets easier. And it’s a shame. It doesn’t mean that it won’t work out or there won’t be incredibly happy moments but it isn’t easy.

Good luck.

All I can really say is that it is unequivocally worth it. Every moment. Every little painful moment.

It is worth it.

shakespeare and self esteem

July 27th, 2010

“Be true to thineself.”

Shakespeare

I used this quote in maybe one of my first 5 posts but since my friend Jen referenced it with regard to self esteem I thought I would bring it back and refresh it slightly with the whole self esteem discussion in mind (as well as my recent rant on advertising agency differentiation).

Let’s talk business first.

I use this quote in every branding exercise I have ever done. I believe branding, personal or companywise, doesn’t start with the ‘customer’ but in understanding yourself. And in understanding yourself … have the kahones to be true to thineself regardless of the repercussions.

Branding experts spend so much time focusing on the customer and doing whatever you have to do to be liked by consumers that they lose sight of what a brand really is at its core … thineself.

I would imagine at its core this thought is about a company’s self esteem.

I guess if all you want to do is make money and be a prostitute, or a chameleon, and be whatever the consumer wants and do whatever the consumer wants in search of the almighty dollar then you should go ahead.

I guess that also means, while I would probably lose the consulting gig, I would then suggest ‘be comfortable being a legal prostitute.’ And, oh, (no offense to any prostitutes) expect that no matter how big your wallet gets you will have the same self esteem as a prostitute. By the way. I am not the first to suggest this (at least in the advertising industry). The original founder of The Martin Agency in Richmond said something very similar (I have the exact quite in a box somewhere). But. Those ad guys are mad men anyway.

When I do any strategy gigs and I use this quote I typically suggest it’s like building a great circle of friends. Your circle of friends is stronger if there is some mutual respect and you truly enjoy each other’s company (flaws and all). Now. That doesn’t mean everyone will be your friend. Some people may like you but not be a friend. And some people will just have no interest in being your friend. But in the end … your company, your product/service, your brand is better off … if it is ‘true to thineself.’

Okay.

Personal (and this whole self esteem thing).

Heck, I believe it may be one of the most important lessons a person can learn in their personal life (and one of the most difficult lessons to actually implement I may add). I don’t have a lot to add from what I say to business owners (above).

Similar to businesses getting caught in the barrage of consumer influence on company image an individual is faced with a similar situation (without money involved).

As Jen told me:

“realize sometimes people just get bogged down, and the external factors are definitely loud/pervasive, but still annoying to see/listen to people play “victim” or blame their upbringing/society/partner/etc on their unhappiness or their unwillingness to climb out of the pit.”

I cannot disagree.

Shakespseare was a smart dude. I don’t think he lacked for self esteem (although I would imagine he had the typical creative artist insecurities lying below a healthy façade of strong self esteem). But self esteem is a tricky thing.

It is made even trickier by the fact we are always growing as a person. We are always gathering external information and assessing ourselves. Part of self esteem is understanding what is good and should be respected about yourself <and kept> and another part of self esteem is partially understanding how to change and evolve and improve.

And that is self esteem’s trickiest challenge.

Be stagnant and you aren’t improving. External factors will remind you of that. Constantly.

So then you go ahead and change … uh oh … and those wily external factors have a habit of understanding that your foundation is shifting and starts seeking cracks in the foundation to weasel its way into.

My first post on “be true to thineself’ may have been too flippant.

Truth in itself is very difficult. Oh. And add ‘thineself’ and difficulty increases exponentially.

Negative self esteem issues are a “pit.” That is true. And I am with Jen on this one … no one should be willing to accept living in this pit if you have a choice.

And I would like to believe that everyone has a choice when it comes to self esteem.

Ah.

But nothing good in life is easy.

That is an non debatable truth.