Posts tagged boundlessness of friendship
rat girl thoughts
Jan 27th
So.
I wrote about Rat Girl (Kristen Hersh) awhile back … and have been meaning to come back to the book and some quotable/comment-able thoughts from Kristen and her book.
Let me say this upfront.
Rarely have I found so many quotable thoughts from one book.
Anyway.
There is no particular order for these thoughts & quotes. I simply wrote them down as I read Rat Girl. So there is some spontaneous nonlinear thinking to be shared (and several other posts will follow using specific quotes).
With that … it seems appropriate to start with this following quote because I love music and I tend to believe it is one of the few global forms of communication with the ability to cross cultures and actually bend cultures …
“They <songs> don’t commit to linear time – they whiz around all your memories collecting them into a goofy pile that somehow seems less goofy because it’s set to music. Songs are weird. They tell the future and they tell the past but they can’t seem to tell the difference.” - K. Hersh
Well.
I am not sure I have ever heard a better explanation for why music is so powerful, oh, and timeless. Great songs & songwriters have the ability to capture moments & thoughts in a way that they become timeless …’ or maybe better said they become ‘a relevant time’ to the listener.
And there are really two thoughts here.
Some songs inspire timelessness on things you are experiencing now … they just express eternal ‘truth.’
And the some songs are, well, not timeless.
What do I mean?
Well.
Not timeless is easy to describe. They are of a genre and style and wording that may make it a hit today but quickly slips away into that irrelevance space that most tepid shit ends up in.
But timeless? Whew. That stuff speaks to you forever. Because, as Kristen suggests, they live concurrently in the past, present & future in what they say and how they make you feel.
You hear it and it can make you think of something that was. And you ache, or think or just laugh a little.
You hear it and it can make you think of something that is. And you ache, or think or just laugh a little.
You hear it and it cam make you think of something that could be. And you are hopeful, fearful … or just think.
That goofy pile of thoughts is less goofy set to music … and by being less goofy it makes you think … think about something.
And that is what makes a great song great.
It doesn’t have to be great grandiose type thinking … it is just thinking.
Once again … if you ever need to explain to someone what makes music the thing that is universal globally … just pull this quote out.
It is a timeless quote.
Next.
“Play a grown up ‘til you grow up.” – K. Hersh
Ok.
Let’s think about this one a little.
This was written by a 19 year old. Bi polar. Pregnant. Fronting one of the most avante garde bands of the time. And she is often thrown into environments where she was expected to be a grown up … and make grown up decisions (or maybe think like a grown up).
Putting this quote into perspective … all she really wants to do is be a musician … to create and play what was in her head.
What did she do?
Play a grown up.
I like this one for a variety of reasons.
Mainly because it was written by a 19 year old. And one who embraced her originality (which would almost presume she would balk at being “grown up”).
But I also like it because in its simplicity it is a Life truth.
I think a lot of teens understand this (play a grown up). And will do it … that is if they are permitted to and it is nurtured.
All teens contain originality. That is what youth is all about.
Some young people are strong enough to “play grown up” on their own (see Kristen Hersh as an example).
But most young people aren’t strong enough … okay … maybe ‘resilient enough’ is a better way to phrase it. They seek to fit in first and foremost. It’s the safest path. And, therefore, true originality is few and far between (being part of a flock isn’t conducive to originality).
So. She reminds us that even those teens who are grown up – are simply acting like it … that is until they actually become a grown up.
Ok. I say all this to make a point.
We adults can either nurture it or destroy it. And destruction is a lot easier than nurturing. Destruction can happen in the smallest word or action.
We adults need to remember this. Not all teens are as strong as Kristen Hersh. Most are more fragile. Does this mean we should pamper our youth? Absolutely not. But be cognizant of repercussions of our actions as we nurture.
Also.
There is a business side to life, yeah, I said life. By business I mean there are rules of the road we all have to follow on how we are supposed to act, what is appropriate or not, all that stuff we need to do and are supposed to do … if we want to get what we want. And this is true regardless of your age. and to make it trickier it all varies depending on the situation.
What do I mean? If you are 19 but put in a situation surrounded by 40 year olds you have one of 2 choices …
(1) act like a 19 year old and get nothing
(2) or act like a 40something and get what you want.
Simple to do? Nope.
But if you don’t even try and act like a grown up and you are 19 in this situation I can promise you one thing, unequivocally, you won’t get shit.
In the end? Play a grown up until you are a grownup.
Another awesome quote in its simplicity.
Next.
This one is mindboggling as she, in her own words, defines passion in life.
“I think you need something in your life that is both beautiful and necessary. A person or a mission or a place. Beautiful might not be pretty and necessary may not be understood, but, still … I think caring, not death, is the passport to heaven.” – K. Hersh
Ok.
I have been tempted to have this quote framed.
And, once again, from the mouth of a 19 year old.
“beautiful may not be pretty and necessary may not be understood.”
Whew.
That is chill bump type stuff.
Not all passion is shared. And what is necessary to you may not be necessary to someone else.
Frankly that thought may be one of the most difficult for people to grasp.
We so often set a ‘standard’ for what is good, acceptable or the ‘best’ for people.
So what happens to the people who don’t ‘fit ‘within the guardrails? They are oddballs … out of the norm or mainstream … and are forced to swim upstream.
Shit. So what about the majority who do go easily within the guardrails? Maybe they never get to see what is beautiful and necessary (what a fucking shame).
Regardless.
This quote is a big thought. A thoughtful thought. And rather that have me define it or explain it I just posted it so everyone could read it … and all I ask is for everyone to think about it.
Because, honestly, I cannot stop thinking about it.
Next.
“If you play too many wimpy chords you’re just asking for wimpy scales. Play colors.” – K. Hersh
This one is awesome for not just for musicians but for anyone in the creative business.
Shit.
This is actually awesome for anyone.
A lot of people are really successful playing it safe. Or doing what others have done. And then there are the few … those who play colors.
I am not suggesting, using her words, that it is bad to be ‘wimpy.’ Because in this case wimpy isn’t bad … it’s just … well … maybe not aspirational. And that’s okay because not everyone does aspirational stuff. And not everyone SHOULD do aspirational stuff. Not everyone s wired for that.
But.
Boy.
“Play colors.”
If you are even closed to being wired this way this simple quote is pretty powerful.
Me?
If I could have one thing in my obituary it would be “we saw colors when he was there.”
Do I believe I deserve that now? Nope.
But that is surely what I am aiming for.
Ok.
This is the last quote I will use from the book.
“Everything about Betty is huge, bigger than life. I’m smaller than life – so unremarkable that I’m practically invisible.” – K. Hersh
So.
I lied.
There was an order in the quotes … at least I that I purposefully put this one last.
For a variety of reasons this one really struck me.
And, no, you don’t need to know who Betty is to think about this and understand it.
But.
Think about this as you read this quote … fact here was one of the most talented songwriters and singers of her generation … and she thought herself unremarkable.
And small.
And it got me thinking.
That word unremarkable.
It’s a big word.
Maybe even an immense word when referring to oneself.
Maybe I like this quote not because I am as talented as Kristen Hersh … but rather because I feel unremarkable.
Not in a bad way. Just that in comparison to some pretty remarkable people I have been fortunate to have known.
Frankly … I tend to believe a lot of people feel the same way. They feel unremarkable. And maybe not invisible but … well … not remarkably visible to the broader world.
And yet I, just as most people I imagine, would like to do something remarkable.
C’mon.
We all want to leave something behind… but how do we do that when we are so small in life.
So few of us actually make an impact … well … a really big impact.
The kind of impact that makes you remarkable.
And I do think the majority of us feel small and insignificant on occasion (if not the majority of the time). I know I do.
And once again that’s not bad. It just is.
But I want to make a difference.
Is it “making people see colors?”
Or implementing the global education initiative?
Or something else?
Heck. I don’t know.
What I do know is Kristen captured the essence of our smallness in a way that was clear and concise and thought provoking.
And it made me want to be sure I at least tried to do something that, in the end, was visible.
So.
You may not like the book (Rat Girl).
And you may not like Kristen Hersh’s music.
But, boy, you gotta like how she takes some really complex thoughts and breaks them down into some really simple words.
Thank you Kristen.
to be yourself or nobody
Jan 26th
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”
- ee cummings
Just when I think the battle to be yourself ends when you have gained a certain maturity and finding a place in time when you are “comfortable in your own skin” and whatever success you have attained (which creates at least some affirmation that “yourself’ has some merit) I am reminded that good ole ee was right … it is the hardest battle and you never have to stop fighting a world doing its best to make you like everyone else.
Ok.
To be clear. I am not talking about doubting yourself.
This is about being distinct as an individual … and facing those who maybe don’t want you to be like everybody else … they just want you to be like them.
Here’s the deal.
ee never worked in an organization (as a poet he worked for himself).
So maybe he missed out on the business organization aspect. Because, sure, the world does its best to make you like everybody else but in the business world you often face leaders who try and wear you down seeking to ‘do it my way.’
Well.
Sometimes that is okay (I am not suggesting it is always wrong).
But I sometimes see organizations do their best to take their best & brightest (who are often the most distinct) and constantly do their best to recreate them in a likeness of themselves.
For young people this is often what I caution them to be cognizant of:
Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep. ~Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, 1750
Applause is a tantalizing mistress.
And sure. On occasion you may be able to walk in someone else’s shoes and be comfortable … but the most comfortable will always be your own.
And just as each day you put your shoes on and head out we all need to learn to put “yourself” on and head out every day.
And be comfortable.
Oh. And put on a personality & character Kevlar vest.
Because this is a tricky one in the business world.
And I do believe it matters what age/experience you are. Well. At least in terms of what issues your Kevlar vest is trying to deflect.
Younger people are still being molded as well as molding/shaping themselves. So, in general, they are protecting their soul as well as some core of distinctness that kind of makes them who they are (they may get confused at times by mistaking external – how I dress and how I speak – as core distinctness but that is a different post for another day).
But older people have a more solid ‘mold’ and have to be more careful when choosing who to work for, work with and the culture of the organization.
I am not sure this is the best advice to give anyone but I tend to like ‘black & white’ thoughts more because … well … they draw a clear line you can see when considering where to step:
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not. ~Andre Gide
In the end I guess what I am saying is … if you cannot be yourself, who you truly are, day in and day out … at work and not at work … you really kind of become … well … nobody. Harsh thought? Well, yeah. But sometimes truth is harsh. Oh. And sometimes truth is enlightening … and freeing.
So. Maybe I should end this way …. at minimum … choose to at least know who ‘yourself’ is. Then at least you know what choice you end up making between what you are and what you are not.
fearless work
Jan 19th
Creativity is a tricky thing.
Having been involved in the creativity business in some form for over 20 years I recognize that the best of the creative best are … well … part insecure … and part fearless.
And it’s the fearless part that I am going to write about because I saw this quote somewhere.
“I seek fearless work that challenges me”
- choreographer Martha Graham
This is good stuff.
This is the kind of stuff not for the faint of heart.
And, frankly, this is the kind of stuff for few people.
Because this quote is indicative of someone whose heart lies in doing fearless work.
Oh.
Fearless work means being fearless of failure.
Fearless work does NOT mean doing something wacky just for wacky sake.
Oh. But that is the first thing people who condone fearless work bring up.
You hear words like “stupid” or “what were they thinking” or “I could have told them it wouldn’t work <or be popular or be liked>.”
In my mind those are words of people who fear work that looks fearless. This fear can be disguised as a variety of things … discomfort in something new … misunderstanding … lack of ability to recognize something.
Whatever.
This is about people who actually DO the fearless work. Because people who seek to do fearless work recognize several things:
- how difficult it is (even though it may seem simple to the creators)
- how unpopular it may be
- when to stop being unpopular (the guard rails in fearless creativity)
in fact. I am going to use someone else who pursued fearless work to make the point. Kristen Hersh. The Rat Girl. One of the founding members of The Throwing Muses.
A teen I may add (just to make another point that teens can often be wiser beyond their years).
Here is what she said about the difficulty of pursuing fearless work:
“do you know how hard it is to not know how to sound like other bands? There aren’t any lessons to teach you how to do this and no one can help us figure out what <to play>. It’s hard to learn something that no one can teach you.” – Kristen Hersh
Actually.
I wish I could share this with anyone who is critical of any original idea so they could think about the fact someone is doing something that was self taught … because here was no one to teach).
Sometimes doing fearless work is difficult because you are forging your own path. There are no lessons. There are no rules. There are no guardrails. In fact. The real difficulty is knowing when to put up your own guard rails. Knowing when to stop innovating and just be … well .. creative with fearless work.
Kristen, as a 19 year old teen, pursued fearless work and did some amazing stuff (along with her fellow teen and musical genius in her own right … Tonya Donnelly).
Anyway. I think the fearless ones tend to hear and see things the rest of us don’t. In simplistic terms it is only popular in their own heads.
And unfortunately for the fearless there is only a minority who truly understands what they are doing:
(Kristen Hersh) … “but we play unpopular music.”
(producer) …
“that’s exactly what you play because you’re inventing something. You’re gonna be hugely influential.”
I do believe the best of the fearless best recognize that what they do is unpopular to the majority.
They may not like it. They may not embrace it. But they understand it. And fight their way through it.
Because it is a fact.
All the truly influential fearless creators didn’t have it easy early on. They were creating something … inventing something.
In their fearless work they were paving the way for people to think differently, see differently … just experience something different. Yeah, I know, that is what being influential is all about. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
Fearless work is often unpopular initially.
But there is a difference between bad unpopular and influential unpopular.
Good fearless is about understanding the guardrails.
Oh. Yeah. Those guard rails.
So how do the fearless know when to stop innovating?
“when you start to suck, stop” – Kristen Hersh
Sounds simple … but I believe the best of the fearless best have an internal quality control. In the mind’s of the ‘less mature’ innovative thinking maybe the guard rails are less defined. But. In the best of the fearless best they have that inner barometer to recognize what sucks and what doesn’t suck.
Oh.
And before we start putting too much weight on ‘less mature’ and associating it with age I would like to remind you that Kristen said this last quote when she was 19 (oh, these smart teens as I like to remind those wise stodgy adults).
Like I just said.
The best of the fearless best have an inner barometer. They are born with it. They are born with the guardrails.
But this doesn’t mean there isn’t fear.
Even the fearless creative people have fear.
Everyone has fear (lest we forget).
“We fear the idea of something more than the thing itself.” Steve Chandler
Fearless work means loving the idea of something more than fearing the thing itself. I imagine that thought encapsulates most good things in life. But in this case those who pursue fearless work have overcome their fear in pursuit of what is good fearless work.
Martha Graham.
Kristen Hersh.
A number of other people whose quotes I just didn’t use.
All pursued fearless work.
And created beautiful things.
And influenced how the rest of us looked at things and listened to things.
As for you & i?
All we can do is …
Act.
Do.
Create.
And seek our own version of fearless work.
And in the end maybe we are lucky enough to positively influence people.
And, at its best, maybe we actually be influential.
if your reason for being is big enough
Dec 14th
Ok. This is a simple idea in concept but fraught with peril in implementation.
The concept.
If your reason for being is big enough you will get noticed.
I will state the obvious behind this thought just to get it out of the way.
If your reason for being is big enough there is …
- no need to stand in the middle of a room and shout for attention.
- no need to do cartwheels in the middle of a mall.
- no need to run naked in the middle of a soccer match (thank god).
- no need to wear a clown suit (unless you are a clown for a living).
And best of all …
- no need for a dozen jelly donuts (or bagels) or any food bribery when you go to meetings.
If all that interests you then keep reading.
Let me begin by defining ‘reason for being.’
I mean what you stand for and what you say and what you do day in and day out. What you want to be seen as and ultimately known for (not something tangible … something intangible).
And while this could be about companies and business (and I may try a word replace just to see if that is true) I am gonna keep this one focused on you and I and us (as individuals).
Ok.
Whether we admit it or not we all want to be noticed.
We don’t want to be overlooked or underappreciated (for either a talent or just as a person).
That is normal. And has nothing to do with ego or ‘humbleness’ or any of that type of stuff.
This is just good ole self esteem and such. This is just about receiving some confirmation that your existence matters (in normal words … ‘you matter’) and some positive reinforcement for self being.
And I decided to write about this not only because I hate (abhor) the things on the ‘no need’ list I typed but I also believe getting noticed is one of the biggest challenges people face.
It is a fact that Not being noticed is an obstacle to a lot of things that truly matter.
It makes it harder to communicate what you want to say.
It makes it more difficult to make an impact.
And it makes it nearly impossible to change the world (change meaning small, medium, large or extra large in impact).
I say this to make the point that getting noticed does matter. It matters a shitload.
And, once again, getting noticed (in the right way) has never been about being outrageous.
Getting noticed, like any other incredibly difficult challenge, is all about who you are.
It’s about your attitude.
It’s about becoming some color when everything else is black & white.
Its about finding your own way of being distinct.
And mostly it is about finding out what you are good at and being comfortable with who you are as a person.
And if you do all of that … people will naturally gravitate to you (the corollary to that is if people do not gravitate to you then rather than bitch about why they don’t maybe you should begin to reflect upon yourself first).
So.
Some thoughts about being comfortable with who you are (the core to being distinct individually and ultimately noticed the ‘right way’):
- Be comfortable doing what everyone else thinks is wrong.
Now. I don’t mean all of the time. I simply mean on things that matter. Why? Because accomplishing anything that truly matters starts with the belief that you may have to be different … and its okay to be different. Oh. And not just “shades of gray” different. You have to be completely different.
Yup. Sometimes for people to know that something new is occurring (and want to be involved) you have to commit as a person to capture the essence of the ‘difference’ in what you say and how you present yourself. Oh. And “new” most often comes to life by having the ability to point out things that make people feel uncomfortable (because you are debating the status quo).
In the business world this is called ‘disruption.’ BUT. At its core disruption only is effective if it is relevant.
Being different for different sake is wrong. That is making an empty statement. Be comfortable in insightful relevant disruption.
Next.
- Be candid. Be truthful.
There are ridiculous things happening everywhere. People’s behavior, attitudes and perceptions.
And it is easy to overlook these things because … well … it is easier (and it is ridiculous).
If you want to change the conversation and get people talking with you (as well as about you), start talking about all this ridiculous stuff. Spend the time to create intellectual arguments that get people thinking.
Next.
- Understand effort matters.
Oh. And, in particular, effort for the moments that really matter … well … really matter.
Get it in your head now (no ifs, and or buts) that there are truly no easy get rich schemes. Believe it deep in your soul. Etch it somewhere on your body if you have to. One of the most debilitating things that can happen is a choice to make personal investments in shortcuts.
No shortcut can replace effort. The same thing applies to vision and how you manage details. There is nothing to do but “DO”. That’s the attitude that you need to have. And if by expending massive amounts of effort on things that matter you happen to gain success, then absolutely enjoy it. You will get noticed for the effort on what matters.
Is this true all the time? Nope. But consistency wins this particular game. You will be tempted by the short cuts (we all are) but deliver the effort on the things that truly matter on a consistent basis and you will get noticed. I guarantee it. And you will be noticed for the right reasons.
Next (and last).
- embrace (some) vulnerability.
This is the last one and the most difficult one.
Maybe I could have just written, “be human” but vulnerability is a much more powerful concept. And it takes some real kahones to embrace this one.
Why is this important to getting noticed? Well. People are flawed. And people like people who are flawed. Perfection scares people. And, honestly, no one is perfect.
We all have things that impact us so emotionally they, well, bring us to tears. And those are things that you need to be talking about. You need to be passionate. You need to show you actually care about something. Care so much that you are open to getting hurt. Care so much you become vulnerable in some way. It shows that you live your life, willing to get hurt on things that matter, and are honest about what matters most to you.
So. In the end?
It all starts with you.
If your reason is big enough, your cause worth it enough, being noticed will be the least of your worries.
your soul’s value
Nov 21st
ok.
This isn’t a religious post.
Nor is this about selling your soul to the devil.
Its nothing really that deep.
Ok.
Maybe its deep just not that kind of deep.
This is simply about how far someone is willing to go to sell. Or maybe better said how far someone will go to get money, or fame or power or something they desire.
What got me thinking about this?
if you ever want to learn what your soul is worth go work at a smaller to mid sized advertising agency (although I envision a lot of people in sales also face the question at some point or another).
Oh.
That reminds me of a Mark Twain quote:
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”- Mark Twain
While I chuckled when I read this it was admittedly a painful chuckle.
Painful because I cannot tell you how many times (suffice it to say … too many for fingers and toes) I have been in new business meetings when it was painfully obvious that whatever new business we were discussing was so wrong for us as a client. And yet the conversation kept rolling around and rolling around under the guise of “they would be a good client” (because they have money).
Don’t get me wrong.
I like money.
But not all money is the same.
Some money fills your soul and some empties your soul.
And by soul I mean your inner value compass.
People who are defined solely by money can argue this until they are blue in the face. In fact there is even a selling “event” called selling your soul.
“The live Selling Your Soul event in NYC is over, and we’re all rolling on a wave of vivid business-building bliss. It was a high-gloss experience, where we intimately unpacked Burning Questions on messaging, marketing + online money-making, the myth of work-life “balance,” fearless price-raising, prosperous collaborating, and getting Witnessed for what you’re worth.”
Attitudinally one of the owners summarizes it by “I make my own economy.” (I actually kind of like that thought … philosophically)
And (to be fair).
That same owner uses money to balance her moral compass: “I kicked off GirlUp with their first substantial donation, proving once again that lots of cash can = lots of impact. Philanthropy is the bottom line.”
Yet. Here is my struggle with her philanthropic angle.
I would argue with the owner in that philanthropy is not her bottom line. Her bottom line is money. And she uses her money to create her balance (note: although … their website is strewn with words & thoughts that their soul is defined by a combination of fame & fortune).
Regardless. I wish it were that easy for me. Because it is not.
Look … I recognize the issue … who wouldn’t want to be recognized or have a generous income or a dream vacation home?
Face it. We all do.
But at what price? And does the end justify the means? And, obviously, WHICH end justifies the means?
And that is what I mean by emptying your soul or filling your soul. Because in the end (whether that be mid life or at ‘the big finish’) you are judging your actions not by tangible things but the intangible balance of self worth (I purposefully chose ‘worth’ because it is some combination of fruits of labor and self esteem).
It is interesting because I have seen a variety of ways people justify how they sell their soul:
winning
To these people its all about winning. Winning at any cost. Or just being able to say “I won.”
But (here is the news). winning is not always good. There IS such a thing as a bad win. But people who define their soul by winning don’t see that (or they may but justify their actions based on “we won”). Am I suggesting this aspect should be about fair play? No. not really. This is about playing by your moral compass.
money
The thought that everything leads to some magical pot of money that will erase all of their problems. These people believe that fancy cars, designer clothes and big houses will make life better. This person may try to balance it with some philanthropic aspect (typically toward the end of their lives – see Andrew Carnegie as prime example) but they are consistently willing to ignore any moral compass within their pursuit for money.
fame
Yes. The spotlight is a dazzling temptation. And that same spotlight can blind you as to the wreckage around you. But to the one seeking fame maybe that is the beauty of being in the spotlight – the only thing you can see under that glaring light is yourself. What can I say more than that? I guess if you really want someone to worship you maybe consider becoming a benevolent dictator instead.
Oh.
And the worst of all?
being liked
This is a sneaky one. Maybe its you want people to like you … so you sell your soul to the highest bidder. (again, especially IF they are someone who holds a prominent position, this is an action leading to personal moral decay … if not total destruction). This one is insidious in that it creates self definition by having NO self definition. You may as well have sold your soul to the highest bidder … just make sure it isn’t the devil.
Anyway.
In the end I know the decision I have made. And that is always to be true to myself. Tell the truth. And seek good wins (not any win).
And I have found I cannot work places that don’t feel the same way. Not really just because of me … but because I find that companies that sell their soul doesn’t create a corporate culture which I like nor a culture which I ultimately believe is healthy.
And lastly. And maybe most importantly to me. I don’t believe it teaches young people growing up in business the right thing. The senior ‘leaders’ (and I use that term loosely in this situation) simply do not recognize the repercussions of their decision to ‘sell out.’ And that is a shame.
The hell to be endured hereafter, of which theology tells, is no worse than the hell we make for ourselves in this world by habitually fashioned our characters in the wrong way.” -William James
“Habitually fashioned our characters in the wrong way” as the hell we make for ourselves.
Whew.
That is good. Really good words to think about.
I do not believe ‘what is the value of our soul’ or describing being directed by your inner values compass could ever be articulated better.
Selling your soul, even in business, just to get something to have it (regardless of the practical or unpractical reason) is making your own hell you will have to live in. And when you get to that hell maybe you can convince yourself you are a warm weather person and enjoy living where it is always hot … but … you are in your own personal hell.
I know I cannot convince all leaders of organizations to recognize this (because when a leader is in a personal hell it reaches out and encompasses his/her organization and poisons it … either slowly or quickly).
But I do know we can make personal decisions about this.
Be yourself.
Say no and mean it.
Subdue that which tries to destroy you.
Avoid the temptation to do what you know is wrong.
Face the truth that you are doing nothing but being untrue to yourself if you get blinded by money or fame.
In the end … in every decision … each person has to hold on to the core value of what defines themselves at their soul.
Because every decision either diminishes or grows your personal purpose.
And, yes, these decisions in organizations also unify or separate a group of people … even more strongly than a similar language or history (at least in my eyes).
When people live by their core values and convictions the “center” is stronger.
And.
If you don’t have a center, don’t you just fall apart as being just parts?
So.
I am not a big self reflection guy … but I do believe it is worth a minute or two to identify what is your soul, or your core if you don’t want to get hung up on the word soul.
Because if you don’t you may end up selling something you don’t want to. Oh. Like your soul.
slippery slopes
Sep 14th
“Sliding down the slippery slope of mediocrity.” – david olgilvy
Ok.
I believe he actually said “the slippery surface of irrelevant brilliance” but I thought I saw somewhere he said what I wrote above.
Regardless.
A great thought from a great writer and what I would call a great leader (even though he may not have been the most flexible of leaders).
But. This isn’t just a business lesson but also a life lesson. Because it is about compromise and “half-truths” and a whole bunch of things.
It is absolutely so easy to compromise – in business and in life.
“Just this once” you say to yourself when you are tired. Whatever the decision or action it may be to you in the moment it is mentally “an exception”.
“Just this once” when you are asked a question. Maybe you embellish.
“Just this once” you say to yourself when you put off that thing you wanted to do. A workout. A chore. A diet. A phone call you wanted to make.
And before you know it (after some “just this onces”) you are on that slippery slope.
Life is funny that way.
Think of it maybe this way.
In that incomparable (and totally underrated) movie The Replacements there is a scene where Keanu Reeves talks about it as “quicksand”.
It’s the same thing.
You get in it. And you fight hard but you just can’t stop sliding down. In fact the harder you try the worse it seems to get.
And it is a truly helpless feeling. That’s quicksand in life.
That is the slippery slope.
Oh.
Maybe the worst thing about the slippery slope is that most people don’t realize they have started sliding until it is too late. Because the slope is tricky. Sly in fact. It teases you with some easy low consequence decisions upfront. You are on a diet and just have one dessert. On occasion (some people are tempted to call this “reward for good behavior” which is simply another trick the slippery slope plays upon you).
Maybe the slope even tempts you with permitting a small embellishment. Just a small addition at the end of a thought. Just a couple of words you wish you hadn’t said but didn’t seem to be that big. And the next time it becomes a few more words. And then before you know t the embellishment has taken on a life of its own.
Anyway.
It is one of my quests in life to find good people who have mistakenly started the slide and lend a hand to pull them back up.
Professionally and personally.
Does that mean I am better than mediocrity? Shit no.
I just recognize that sense of helplessness and I like people to have hope – for something better.
And I also believe there are a shitload of really good people … and I mean good as in talented and good as in heart & soul … who just get caught on the slope and life makes it even more difficult to figure out a way to get off the fucking slope.
Anyway. This quote reminds me of two things.
1. Pay attention to everything. It’s the only way to insure mediocrity can’t gain momentum (because we all have to compromise on occasion)
2. Help those who have that look of “how the hell did I get so far down this slope” by grabbing their hand and pulling them back up whenever you have a chance. There are some incredible people and some incredible talent out there that just got caught on life’s slippery slope. It doesn’t mean they are mediocre by any stretch of the imagination.
It is simply that they got caught on the slippery slope and didn’t know how to get off.
Ok.
Because I used a Replacements scene as an example of the slippery slope (and a really good scene in the overall perspective of the movie with a good message about second chances and shit like that) I want to end with one more Replacements reference.
“Greatness, no matter how short, stays with a person forever.” – gene hackman (replacements)
For some of us greatness will never be a lifetime tag. In fact for many of us (me for sure).
But.
A great moment? A great action? A great thing? Yeah. We all have it in us. We shouldn’t dwell on it (for a life is never defined by one moment of greatness). But a short moment of greatness … when someone who has been stuck on the slippery slope and is struggling to get off and just can’t see how … well … remind them of their moment of greatness and point out what made it happen and what they are capable of .. and … in a great way …. You may also have achieved your own moment of greatness.
And, that … is what makes life pretty awesome.
friendly advice
Sep 5th
So.
Getting advice from friends.
I just saw a great friend the other day at lunch that I hadn’t seen in quite some time and he did what he does best as my friend … gave great advice.
You know.
We all have one of those friends.
Not all. One. If you are really lucky maybe two or a few.
Friends are difficult to describe and instead of different words we are often stuck with simple silly adjectives.
Close friend. Best friend. Childhood friend. Intimate friend. Trusted friend. Beloved friend.
Whatever adjective or different word it is difficult to deny the infiniteness of that simple word – friend.
Friends are special people.
I know we have all read that “we can’t pick our family” but we can pick our friends.
Its funny.
I sometimes believe they actually pick us more than we pick them. And that is even more so over time. Anyway.
We typically select a single companion to marry or live with.
But our friends are as diverse and infinite as we choose.
In the end? Our friends often reflect the choices we make in life.
So.
Advice and my friend.
Shit.
It’s funny (in a good way).
You probably have this friend too.
There is that one great friend who gives the best advice. Always.
That one friend we always have tends to be slightly fearless (knowing at worst they get hit but there will always be a beer & wings occasion in the future).
They tend to know what you like and dislike better than anyone else (the good and the bad).
And they tend to be intellectually a peer (so you use similar words and thinking process).
And when you find that one who fulfills all those?
You listen.
Because it takes some balls to ask some of the questions they do to offer the advice that they do.
And you have to recognize that …. and appreciate it … or you end up missing the advice that counts.
The words that make an impact. The things that actually give you a ‘plan’.
This type of friend and friendship is … well … typically a little different than some of your others.
There is something so incredibly easy and difficult about this kind of friendship (and maybe that’s why we’ve been friends for so long).
I know this friend is a great complimentary to me. And there are probably a million reasons for this but loyal, strong soul, responsible, ethical, just … well … ‘true’ as a human and, of course, fun, and is one of the absolute nicest people I know.
Whenever I need advice it seems like I eventually get around to this friend.
Always tells it like it is even if sometimes the advice is the last thing I want to hear (although it is rarely something I don’t really know I am just not sure I want to hear it outside my own head) and, in the end, it helps me be a better person for it.
Best friend?
Shit. I don’t know.
Best friend for talking and thinking and advice? Maybe.
And that, my friends, is a special thing to have.
Because most of us have the tendency to avoid truth telling in meaningful relationships and that includes great friendships (for some seemingly good reasons) but then I imagine if you look at them with some scrutiny you would find they lack an aspect of truth (which isn’t always bad it just is).
Candor is a tricky and challenging things. It takes character. It takes a lot of mutual respect.
And unfortunately the truth of the matter is that the words chosen matter. And matter a lot.
And I also imagine when you stack all those things up that is why the great advice (offered and accepted) is such a challenge even among friends.
I do know I am fortunate to have a varied group of friends who share similar values in authenticity and life and ethics.
But.
Just as when I used the adjectives above … varied means just that. Everyone is distinct and fulfills an aspect that reflects who they are (themselves) and who they are (to me).
Anyway.
I started this with the thought I DO have one of those great friends who can give great advice.
And it may be as simple as by listening to them I actually start listening to myself.
Aw. Who knows?
All I know is that I have great friends and among them I know I have one who gives great advice.
Best friend?
Cheapens the relationship I believe by trying to put a label on such a thing.
How about someone who recognizes what is best for me?
That may be a good enough “adjective” to attach to ‘friend.’
Yup.
I am a pretty lucky guy.
meeting again
Aug 22nd
“Don’t be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.” – Richard Bach
So.
No reason I am writing this one other than the fact I don’t write enough about friends.
Or meaningful relationships or people you care about and stuff like that.
I should write more because stuff like that is important to me.
And probably because have moved so often and I have people I care about spread all over the place inevitably I find myself at an airport saying goodbye.
And I don’t know about anyone else … but it never seems to get any easier.
I know. I know.
People always say ‘be grateful for all the friends you have everywhere.’ And I am. Absolutely I am.
But.
That doesn’t make saying good bye any easier.
And of course on occasion you try the infamous “until we meet again” with the hope that if you treat it that way you ate mentally not saying goodbye but just suggesting it is a momentary parting.
Well.
Not so easy my friends.
Life is tricky that way.
It pushes and pulls and tugs at you every which way.
And the ‘until we meet agains’ slips into the good bye category before you know it.
Sure.
In today’s world of emails and texts it is easier than ever to connect and stay in touch.
But face to face? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … no text can ever match that.
Anyway.
I am blessed in that I have had more hellos than goodbyes in my life.
Doesn’t make any of the goodbyes easier (and the real goodbyes are never going to be easy that’s for sure).
I do know one thing.
I have ditched the whole “until we meet again” philosophy.
I try and treat each good bye as if it is really truly a goodbye. Treat it like the last time you ever get to say something to that person.
For if that person has made you happy even in a small way they deserve to know it.
And you just may not meet again to tell them so.
Not because of anything dire but rather simply because of life.
Maybe that is why goodbyes are so tough.
But I would imagine in the end I will be grateful I left nothing unsaid behind.
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust
the power of friends
Jul 16th
“Researchers studied 34 students at the University of Virginia, taking them to the base of a steep hill and fitting them with a weighted backpack. They were then asked to estimate the steepness of the hill. Some participants stood next to friends during the exercise, while others were alone. The students who stood with friends gave lower 
estimates of the steepness of the hill. And the longer the friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared. Well – What Are Friends for? A Longer Life.”
- NYTimes.com
Friendship is a complex (not complicated) thing.
Have you ever noticed that the best pictures of friends they are always side by side?
Equal. In balance. Supporting. Whatever words you want to put to it.
But those pictures are just snapshots into the true power of friendships.
For the best friendships are like any great relationship.
Sometimes one is leading. Sometimes one is following. Sometimes side by side.
Friends can get ahead to show you the way. Or to maybe pull you through some moment. And sometimes they follow to see where you will take them.
And it is a balance. And a powerful balance.
And even better. When they are at your side life’s hills just don’t seem as steep. Or as daunting. I often think if you truly have great friends you become more powerful in life. You take more chances. You do more things.
Why? Because you feel safer in a way. You always have a kind of safety net. Friends can make us a little more fearless in life. Or maybe they allow us to face our fears a little better.
And you can face your personal fears and never have to tell your friends your fears.
Do they care? Sure.
Do they care? Well no. that too.
Because sometimes the power of friends is that they don’t need to know. They don’t need to know all your fears. They may not even need to know your desires or ambitions.
All they need to know is where you are. And where you go. So at some point they can show up.
And like in all those great pictures.
Great friends just seem to be there standing beside you at just the right moments. The moment when the camera takes the picture. The moments when life take your picture.
We are smaller people without friends.
“Without friends, you’re like a book that nobody bothers to pick up.”
- psychology of women quarterly
It is true. We are like a great book gathering dust if we don’t have these friends of ours. I have written before that everyone has a story to tell. Great friends don’t really want to hear the story. They want to be part of the story.
That is why part of your story is those snapshots with friends by your side.
“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.”
- Charlotte’s Web
I guess in the end the power of friends is the honest partnership. The inevitable truth that comes with those who sometimes lead, sometimes follow, sometimes walk by your side … and never questioning the balance. Just understanding the power.
Life is messy. Friendships don’t make it any less messy. They just seem to make it easier to put up with the mess.
It is maybe you cry I cry. You laugh I laugh. You fight I fight. You think I think. You worry I worry.
And I jump off a bridge. And you get a boat and save my ass.
That is the power of friends.
less than zero
May 22nd
So. I saw this movie on tv. The movie is dated.
But the story is timeless. I am not sure I have ever seen a movie so aptly named.
Less than Zero.
It’s about the boundaries, or boundlessness, of friendship. About lostness. About depths of despair. About what happens when someone’s life goes lower than zero. And the helplessness in that space.
It would be really easy to watch this movie and go “aw, it’s just about spoiled rich kids.”
Don’t be silly. It’s about a kid’s downward spiral of loneliness and despair. It’s about the lostness you can find in your late tweens and early 20′s in the space between youth and adulthood. And the space between a good decision and bad decision. And how one bad decision at that age seems to gain momentum faster than at any other time in one’s life.
And it would be silly to ignore the lesson. Kids have it tough enough and if we adults ignore reminders of the toughness then, well, we are not only being silly we are being stupid.
Less than Zero is a snapshot in a really tricky time in life. The transition from kid (or teen) to young adult. The fragility of that time. I would imagine it is also a very tricky time for parents. The choice between teaching them to stand alone or stepping up and ‘being there’ to support.
There is a heart wrenching scene about a half hour left in the movie where he begs his father for help. The words he says out loud sharing the sheer helplessness is painful.
I often talk to kids in high school about resiliency and character. But I also talk about ‘slippery slopes.” And despair is another one of those slippery slopes.
Maybe the Robert Downey character was richer and more lonely and more psychotic than most of us, but I suspect not. I suspect that he simply lacked one thing. Hope. He couldn’t just seem to find a way from ‘less than zero.’
I’m no psychologist, but I’ll bet that Julian (the Downey character) was less an addict and more a man (or young man) who had simply given up because it seemed hopeless. I would imagine most of us can certainly relate to that feeling (maybe not to that extent but have slipped close to the line on occasion).
We, each of us, see people like Julian all the time. He could be your friend. Your brother. Your coworker. Your son. We sometimes see the warning signs and we ignore them. Or we dismiss it as “teen angst,” or “he’s just having fun” or even worse “he’s not strong enough, he just needs to be tougher.”
Even those of us who have issues in our own lives sometimes see the Julians of the world and think, “not my problem.” (I know I have been plenty guilty of that myself). I guess the shame in it all is most of the times we only see the signs and don’t know the entire story. We don’t know when they have hit the ‘less than zero’ despair. And we do nothing. And therein lays the danger of despair.
I do know that I have made this mistake myself. At far too young an age. I had a good friend who went less than zero. And never came back from there. I was maybe 24. She was 23. And I was caught up in my own life and my ‘stuff’ and just didn’t see it. Yeah. I know it wasn’t my fault. But when talking with her mother afterward in a painful discussion I did know that I could have done something. Maybe I couldn’t have gotten her out of less than zero and maybe I could have but we will never know because I never showed up to see. I think when that happens at that time in your life you don’t beat yourself up too much but you do kind of stiffen up a bit and pay attention a little more and maybe make sure you “show up.” To do something.
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)
So the next time you come across someone like Julian resist the temptation to look down upon him. For while you may see that person as immature, a weirdo or possibly just ‘weak’ I can tell you for a fact that all of us have felt that despair at some time or another. They may actually be an aspect of yourself you just don’t want to see.
So. Several thoughts to end on. I am not sure where I heard this and I have heard it in a variety of ways but let’s stick with this version:
“In the darkest depths of despair remember it’s when night is the darkest that the stars are at their brightest. And it’s those stars that will lead you home. And maybe you can get more than you ever imagined when you get there because of the journey.”
And then from literature:
“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live…..the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.” Alexandre Dumas (Count of Monte Cristo)
And, lastly, maybe the best thing I have ever read about despair came from The Elegance of the Hedgehog:
“Maybe that is what life is all about: there’s a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It’s as if strains of music within the odd moment of beauty create a sport of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never.”
So. I am pretty sure I have never visited that place called “less than zero.” I am pretty sure at some point I may have glimpsed the door leading to it. I am pretty sure we all know kids who have one foot on that slippery slope of despair or have glimpsed the slope on occasion.
Our children deserve our attention all the time but certainly when the slippery slope beckons as it seems won’t to do in the teen years. Make sure you have a hand outstretched for these kids are our future. And the future does not reside in a place called less than zero.
