Posts tagged boundlessness of friendship
friendly advice
Sep 5th
So.
Getting advice from friends.
I just saw a great friend the other day at lunch that I hadn’t seen in quite some time and he did what he does best as my friend … gave great advice.
You know.
We all have one of those friends.
Not all. One. If you are really lucky maybe two or a few.
Friends are difficult to describe and instead of different words we are often stuck with simple silly adjectives.
Close friend. Best friend. Childhood friend. Intimate friend. Trusted friend. Beloved friend.
Whatever adjective or different word it is difficult to deny the infiniteness of that simple word – friend.
Friends are special people.
I know we have all read that “we can’t pick our family” but we can pick our friends.
Its funny.
I sometimes believe they actually pick us more than we pick them. And that is even more so over time. Anyway.
We typically select a single companion to marry or live with.
But our friends are as diverse and infinite as we choose.
In the end? Our friends often reflect the choices we make in life.
So.
Advice and my friend.
Shit.
It’s funny (in a good way).
You probably have this friend too.
There is that one great friend who gives the best advice. Always.
That one friend we always have tends to be slightly fearless (knowing at worst they get hit but there will always be a beer & wings occasion in the future).
They tend to know what you like and dislike better than anyone else (the good and the bad).
And they tend to be intellectually a peer (so you use similar words and thinking process).
And when you find that one who fulfills all those?
You listen.
Because it takes some balls to ask some of the questions they do to offer the advice that they do.
And you have to recognize that …. and appreciate it … or you end up missing the advice that counts.
The words that make an impact. The things that actually give you a ‘plan’.
This type of friend and friendship is … well … typically a little different than some of your others.
There is something so incredibly easy and difficult about this kind of friendship (and maybe that’s why we’ve been friends for so long).
I know this friend is a great complimentary to me. And there are probably a million reasons for this but loyal, strong soul, responsible, ethical, just … well … ‘true’ as a human and, of course, fun, and is one of the absolute nicest people I know.
Whenever I need advice it seems like I eventually get around to this friend.
Always tells it like it is even if sometimes the advice is the last thing I want to hear (although it is rarely something I don’t really know I am just not sure I want to hear it outside my own head) and, in the end, it helps me be a better person for it.
Best friend?
Shit. I don’t know.
Best friend for talking and thinking and advice? Maybe.
And that, my friends, is a special thing to have.
Because most of us have the tendency to avoid truth telling in meaningful relationships and that includes great friendships (for some seemingly good reasons) but then I imagine if you look at them with some scrutiny you would find they lack an aspect of truth (which isn’t always bad it just is).
Candor is a tricky and challenging things. It takes character. It takes a lot of mutual respect.
And unfortunately the truth of the matter is that the words chosen matter. And matter a lot.
And I also imagine when you stack all those things up that is why the great advice (offered and accepted) is such a challenge even among friends.
I do know I am fortunate to have a varied group of friends who share similar values in authenticity and life and ethics.
But.
Just as when I used the adjectives above … varied means just that. Everyone is distinct and fulfills an aspect that reflects who they are (themselves) and who they are (to me).
Anyway.
I started this with the thought I DO have one of those great friends who can give great advice.
And it may be as simple as by listening to them I actually start listening to myself.
Aw. Who knows?
All I know is that I have great friends and among them I know I have one who gives great advice.
Best friend?
Cheapens the relationship I believe by trying to put a label on such a thing.
How about someone who recognizes what is best for me?
That may be a good enough “adjective” to attach to ‘friend.’
Yup.
I am a pretty lucky guy.
meeting again
Aug 22nd
“Don’t be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.” – Richard Bach
So.
No reason I am writing this one other than the fact I don’t write enough about friends.
Or meaningful relationships or people you care about and stuff like that.
I should write more because stuff like that is important to me.
And probably because have moved so often and I have people I care about spread all over the place inevitably I find myself at an airport saying goodbye.
And I don’t know about anyone else … but it never seems to get any easier.
I know. I know.
People always say ‘be grateful for all the friends you have everywhere.’ And I am. Absolutely I am.
But.
That doesn’t make saying good bye any easier.
And of course on occasion you try the infamous “until we meet again” with the hope that if you treat it that way you ate mentally not saying goodbye but just suggesting it is a momentary parting.
Well.
Not so easy my friends.
Life is tricky that way.
It pushes and pulls and tugs at you every which way.
And the ‘until we meet agains’ slips into the good bye category before you know it.
Sure.
In today’s world of emails and texts it is easier than ever to connect and stay in touch.
But face to face? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … no text can ever match that.
Anyway.
I am blessed in that I have had more hellos than goodbyes in my life.
Doesn’t make any of the goodbyes easier (and the real goodbyes are never going to be easy that’s for sure).
I do know one thing.
I have ditched the whole “until we meet again” philosophy.
I try and treat each good bye as if it is really truly a goodbye. Treat it like the last time you ever get to say something to that person.
For if that person has made you happy even in a small way they deserve to know it.
And you just may not meet again to tell them so.
Not because of anything dire but rather simply because of life.
Maybe that is why goodbyes are so tough.
But I would imagine in the end I will be grateful I left nothing unsaid behind.
“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” – Marcel Proust
the power of friends
Jul 16th
“Researchers studied 34 students at the University of Virginia, taking them to the base of a steep hill and fitting them with a weighted backpack. They were then asked to estimate the steepness of the hill. Some participants stood next to friends during the exercise, while others were alone. The students who stood with friends gave lower 
estimates of the steepness of the hill. And the longer the friends had known each other, the less steep the hill appeared. Well – What Are Friends for? A Longer Life.”
- NYTimes.com
Friendship is a complex (not complicated) thing.
Have you ever noticed that the best pictures of friends they are always side by side?
Equal. In balance. Supporting. Whatever words you want to put to it.
But those pictures are just snapshots into the true power of friendships.
For the best friendships are like any great relationship.
Sometimes one is leading. Sometimes one is following. Sometimes side by side.
Friends can get ahead to show you the way. Or to maybe pull you through some moment. And sometimes they follow to see where you will take them.
And it is a balance. And a powerful balance.
And even better. When they are at your side life’s hills just don’t seem as steep. Or as daunting. I often think if you truly have great friends you become more powerful in life. You take more chances. You do more things.
Why? Because you feel safer in a way. You always have a kind of safety net. Friends can make us a little more fearless in life. Or maybe they allow us to face our fears a little better.
And you can face your personal fears and never have to tell your friends your fears.
Do they care? Sure.
Do they care? Well no. that too.
Because sometimes the power of friends is that they don’t need to know. They don’t need to know all your fears. They may not even need to know your desires or ambitions.
All they need to know is where you are. And where you go. So at some point they can show up.
And like in all those great pictures.
Great friends just seem to be there standing beside you at just the right moments. The moment when the camera takes the picture. The moments when life take your picture.
We are smaller people without friends.
“Without friends, you’re like a book that nobody bothers to pick up.”
- psychology of women quarterly
It is true. We are like a great book gathering dust if we don’t have these friends of ours. I have written before that everyone has a story to tell. Great friends don’t really want to hear the story. They want to be part of the story.
That is why part of your story is those snapshots with friends by your side.
“You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone’s life can stand a little of that.”
- Charlotte’s Web
I guess in the end the power of friends is the honest partnership. The inevitable truth that comes with those who sometimes lead, sometimes follow, sometimes walk by your side … and never questioning the balance. Just understanding the power.
Life is messy. Friendships don’t make it any less messy. They just seem to make it easier to put up with the mess.
It is maybe you cry I cry. You laugh I laugh. You fight I fight. You think I think. You worry I worry.
And I jump off a bridge. And you get a boat and save my ass.
That is the power of friends.
less than zero
May 22nd
So. I saw this movie on tv. The movie is dated.
But the story is timeless. I am not sure I have ever seen a movie so aptly named.
Less than Zero.
It’s about the boundaries, or boundlessness, of friendship. About lostness. About depths of despair. About what happens when someone’s life goes lower than zero. And the helplessness in that space.
It would be really easy to watch this movie and go “aw, it’s just about spoiled rich kids.”
Don’t be silly. It’s about a kid’s downward spiral of loneliness and despair. It’s about the lostness you can find in your late tweens and early 20′s in the space between youth and adulthood. And the space between a good decision and bad decision. And how one bad decision at that age seems to gain momentum faster than at any other time in one’s life.
And it would be silly to ignore the lesson. Kids have it tough enough and if we adults ignore reminders of the toughness then, well, we are not only being silly we are being stupid.
Less than Zero is a snapshot in a really tricky time in life. The transition from kid (or teen) to young adult. The fragility of that time. I would imagine it is also a very tricky time for parents. The choice between teaching them to stand alone or stepping up and ‘being there’ to support.
There is a heart wrenching scene about a half hour left in the movie where he begs his father for help. The words he says out loud sharing the sheer helplessness is painful.
I often talk to kids in high school about resiliency and character. But I also talk about ‘slippery slopes.” And despair is another one of those slippery slopes.
Maybe the Robert Downey character was richer and more lonely and more psychotic than most of us, but I suspect not. I suspect that he simply lacked one thing. Hope. He couldn’t just seem to find a way from ‘less than zero.’
I’m no psychologist, but I’ll bet that Julian (the Downey character) was less an addict and more a man (or young man) who had simply given up because it seemed hopeless. I would imagine most of us can certainly relate to that feeling (maybe not to that extent but have slipped close to the line on occasion).
We, each of us, see people like Julian all the time. He could be your friend. Your brother. Your coworker. Your son. We sometimes see the warning signs and we ignore them. Or we dismiss it as “teen angst,” or “he’s just having fun” or even worse “he’s not strong enough, he just needs to be tougher.”
Even those of us who have issues in our own lives sometimes see the Julians of the world and think, “not my problem.” (I know I have been plenty guilty of that myself). I guess the shame in it all is most of the times we only see the signs and don’t know the entire story. We don’t know when they have hit the ‘less than zero’ despair. And we do nothing. And therein lays the danger of despair.
I do know that I have made this mistake myself. At far too young an age. I had a good friend who went less than zero. And never came back from there. I was maybe 24. She was 23. And I was caught up in my own life and my ‘stuff’ and just didn’t see it. Yeah. I know it wasn’t my fault. But when talking with her mother afterward in a painful discussion I did know that I could have done something. Maybe I couldn’t have gotten her out of less than zero and maybe I could have but we will never know because I never showed up to see. I think when that happens at that time in your life you don’t beat yourself up too much but you do kind of stiffen up a bit and pay attention a little more and maybe make sure you “show up.” To do something.
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)
So the next time you come across someone like Julian resist the temptation to look down upon him. For while you may see that person as immature, a weirdo or possibly just ‘weak’ I can tell you for a fact that all of us have felt that despair at some time or another. They may actually be an aspect of yourself you just don’t want to see.
Ok.
Several thoughts to end on. I am not sure where I heard this and I have heard it in a variety of ways but let’s stick with this version:
“In the darkest depths of despair remember it’s when night is the darkest that the stars are at their brightest. And it’s those stars that will lead you home. And maybe you can get more than you ever imagined when you get there because of the journey.”
And then from literature:
“There is neither happiness nor unhappiness in this world; there is only the comparison of one state with another. Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live…..the sum of all human wisdom will be contained in these two words: Wait and Hope.” Alexandre Dumas (Count of Monte Cristo)
And, lastly, maybe the best thing I have ever read about despair came from The Elegance of the Hedgehog:
“Maybe that is what life is all about: there’s a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It’s as if strains of music within the odd moment of beauty create a sport of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never.”
So.All that said.
I am pretty sure I have never visited that place called “less than zero.”
Yeah. I am pretty sure at some point I may have glimpsed the door leading to it. Particularly in my teen years.
And I am pretty sure we all know kids who have one foot on that slippery slope of despair or have glimpsed the slope on occasion.
Our children deserve our attention all the time but certainly when the slippery slope beckons as it seems to have a tendency to do in the teen years. Make sure you have a hand outstretched for these kids are our future.
And make sure that their future does not reside in a place called less than zero.
Being Yourself
Apr 25th
I have always kind of lived my life to the beat of my own drum. Probably because I always in some way understood I would never be one of the cool kids. But even with that desire for individuality the game changes when you get in the business world and it becomes about your career. It’s kind of like getting moved into the pro ranks. Everything is faster. The “be yourself” choices get a lot tougher. The mistakes are bigger.
Early on in your career everyone is feeling this whole thing out. Inevitably in youth you seem to gravitate to one of the two extremes:
- fuck the world I am who I am, or,
- I am going to wear the same underwear as everyone else to show how well I fit in.
Of course neither extreme is right if you want to be part of the team and make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror at night with some self esteem.
I was pretty fortunate relatively early in my career to not only get some great advice from some great bosses but I also got a glimpse of a world which kind of opened my eyes a little and made my own path a little clearer.
(here is some background on who taught me the lesson) When I worked in Dallas I had a good friend Puff. (Puff was a family nickname from her childhood). Puff was extraordinarily attractive. She often disappeared for periods of time to do runway modeling in Europe. And she was outrageous personally. Funny. Expressive. Just big in life.
She once made me exit a highway and go back around because she thought the guy driving the car broken down on the side of the highway was cute and she wanted to meet him (it was “misidentification” error on her part – her words – but we did end up getting him to a garage so he could get some help so all was not wasted).
Next example. She was tall and naturally thin (but was also athletic and liked to run). We would always stop in Highland Park after a run and get ice cream. Once – maybe in a hangover induced outrageous moment – she bought two ice cream cones and then proceeded to slap one immediately onto her thigh proclaiming to the crowded place “What the heck. May as well get a head start. Its gonna end up there anyway”. Note: several boyfriends in attendance were resoundly smacked by their companions for looking a little too closely at the melting ice cream.
Anyway. That was life with my friend Puff.
(here is the lesson stuff) Okay. That was fun to relive but here is where I learned the lesson. As her eternally single guy friend I also became her surrogate date for a variety of different functions she was invited to. I just went ahead and bought a tux we went to so many black tie events.
It was there I met my friend Puff in a non friend environment. She was no longer outrageous. She was demure. She didn’t go off in a conversation about some random environment issue passionately. She was quiet and choiceful. I didn’t really know how she did it. It was kind of like a switch flipped. Be sure. She never lied. She never compromised her beliefs or values. She simply blended in. Maybe in another world that stillness would have made her standout but in that calm ocean of branded cocktails and white capped waves of pearls surrounded by the black tie ships roaming sternly about (sorry. I kinda got into the poetic metaphor) she didn’t stand out. She simply blended in as one of the beautiful people. (Of course she could always count on the fishing trawler to swing by and dance with her every once in awhile so I helped her stand out on occasion).
It did make me look at my own workplace a little more closely. And it did make me think about me in the workplace. Did I make the right choice? For myself absolutely. I know I can look back on my career and probably count on one hand the compromises I rue. Career wise? Sure. It limited some windows of opportunity for me. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have windows open just that some others were shut.
Everything we do in life has tradeoffs. And some of these choices will truly affect your success (whether you like to admit that or not). Sure. Of course you always have the opportunity in the work world to seek an environment to be ‘more of yourself naturally. The struggle comes when your passion and what you are good at (see Puff example) almost demands a ‘way to be.’ Choices and tradeoffs. That is what you need to be thinking about ‘being yourself at work.’ (yeah. It sucks a little. One would think you wouldn’t have to invest any time thinking about it but you do.)
Puff was a performer. And I guess my decision was I didn’t really want to be a performer in any way at work. I just wanted to perform. And be judged on that. Unfortunately as we all know that isn’t the way the world works. Puff got it. And she was comfortable with it. She probably overcompensated slightly in her personal world in order to feel a little better about it but she kept the really important “yourself” stuff safe (values, beliefs, stuff like that).
We were friends because we enjoyed such a variety of things as well as being comfortable together. I sometimes believe I was a touch of normalcy and that made us work a little. oh. To be fair. I did like invading that weird modeling/beautiful people life on occasion. Maybe that was my side of it. (one neat benefit of being involved in Puffs life I was able to see Herschel walker in white tights at his debut with the Dallas ballet – note – I haven’t been to ballet since and to be honest I am a little leery of the NFL also). But I didn’t fit into this world … and I couldn’t even really put the effort into trying.
I think we remained good friends during this time because I watched and listened (and we did talk about it) and I never judged.
I don’t know what Puff is doing now. I think we were good friends for the time and place. All I hope for her is that at some point she got to be the outrageous friend I knew and loved but in a work environment. Because I could have guaranteed her a great second career being that person whatever she decided to do after her first career.
But. At that time and place. She consciously made a decision as to how to act in her workplace without compromising her own personal character and you have to give her credit for that. For it is certainly something I could never figure out how to manage in my own career.
Good luck with your own decisions. Just be sure you recognize it is about your choice.
about doubt parts 1,2 & 3
Apr 8th
about this doubt series of posts. it began with a couple of very personal self doubt, self direction writings from a delightfully talented 20something Jamie. she reminded me of the sometimes overwhelming doubt minefield we traverse through life. she reminded me of a delightfully talented and funny guy, josh kilmer purcell, who I truly admired and liked when I worked with him who wrote one of the most painfully insightful personal books (I Am Not Myself These Days: A Memoir) on the dangers of the minefield. she also reminded me to look around and see who I knew who may be struggling thru the minefield now in their life. so. i wrote. some from personal experience. some from having managed dozens of people and caring about them as people not just business. some writing just from the heart. okay. maybe all from the heart.
anyway. thanks Jamie.
keep moving forward. you are doing just fine. just like me at your age you may explode a couple of those mines and sometimes it may feel like you have had your ass blown up but the odds are if you are still moving your ass is fine.
doubt part 1: self doubt
Apr 8th
Trying to shut the whisper of self doubt out of your life is often one of life’s biggest challenges. Some free advice. Doubt is like your shadow. It’s always there. But. Next piece of advice. So what. It’s just your shadow. So. With that cryptic piece of advice out of the way here is what made me think about self doubt (and I have written about others doubt as a companion post):
Jamie the 20something says: It’s like you want something so badly that it becomes a part of every single second of your day and you want it so badly that you feel like you’re walking this very thin tightrope without a net below you. Like, you’re so vulnerable and so empowered and so on fire that it’s frightening, but, I mean, what else are you going to do? Stop wanting it? Er, pretend to stop wanting it? Stop wanting something because you want it so bad that the worry of potential disappointment is stronger than the hope of potential success?
I mean, what the hell do you do?
So. Without even using the word doubt Jamie talks to us about it. The pressure to want ‘to do something’ and the vulnerability that comes along with the actual doing (okay. Maybe better said the ‘trying’).
Often the difficulty is discerning the amount of truth in your own self doubt. Because not everything in life is possible (no matter how those inspirational posters tell you so). Hard work and focus can solve some things and cannot solve some others. If you don’t have the hand-eye coordination to hit a 100mph fastball you just cannot be a baseball player. If you don’t have a natural gift of speaking at best you will always have that unnatural stiffness of practiced speaking. ‘Modest doubt’ is a good thing.
“Modest doubt is called the beacon of the wise. “
William Shakespeare
Sometimes self doubt is a reality check. Just make sure you don’t ignore a small dose of reality.
The next level of self doubt is separating doubt from fear of the attempt and fear of failure. It is difficult and doubt sneaks as you assess what to do from perceived strengths and real strengths (or weaknesses if you want to take that road). This is where self doubt gets tricky (or challenging). Self doubt can freeze you into inaction. And inaction can take place in a variety of ways because it is a sly little devil. Be careful ‘inaction doubt’ doesn’t hide itself somewhere in the ‘I don’t have enough information yet’ or ‘I will do it when I gain some more experience’ or even ‘I don’t know where to start’ phrases of fear of attempt. Sure. Some of them have a shred of truth but if you are waiting for everything to be all lined up to say ‘go’, well, you may as well decide now it ain’t ever gonna happen.
Anyway. I imagine the best thought may be that rarely does something really bad happen because of the attempt. You can’t hide from life. You have to live it. Especially if you ever want even a chance to reach your dreams or aspirations. And the attempt will almost always be despite the doubts (for 100% certainty is simple foolishness). So. In the end how do you deal with self doubt?
“Action will remove the doubt that theory cannot solve”
Pehyl Hsieh
Oh. One last thought (in a post strewn with quotes):
“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.”
Francis Bacon
Maybe, in the end, a little self doubt isn’t bad.
doubt part 2: other’s doubt
Apr 8th
There is a big difference between self doubt and the quiet persistence of doubt found within other people’s whispers. Let’s call this external doubt.
They don’t have to shout it. (but it can be shouted)
It can be a word someone slips in to something they say to you. (or it can be whole paragraphs)
It can be a throwaway sentence from someone (just thrown out without feeling its depth by the person saying it).
You’ve probably been there. You want to do … something. Anything. Just go forward. You have this building enthusiasm to go “do.”
Then you find out that your parents, friends, and loved ones (these are the most personal) or business associates or interviewers question what you want to do.
Their doubt can be driven by a variety of things. It may be real worry about your future. It may be something absolutely nothing to do with you.
But. What this means is unbeknownst to you that others have created demons for you.
“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
Shel Silverstein
Look. Everyone is entitled to have their own thoughts whether they say they don’t believe in you (or your ideas) or not. That’s cool. And as a matter of fact that’s life.
You believe what you believe to be true, and they believe what they believe to be true.
It is sometimes easier to tell yourself “so what … that’s their opinion” and walk away and go do something then try and convince them otherwise.
But. External doubt is a tough one. It may be even tougher then self doubt. Because mainly because you cannot really control it (even if you are successful). Inevitably there is always someone somewhere who no matter how brilliant the idea is will inevitably find something negative. They can use factoids and statistics, they can use ignorance. They can use personal beliefs. And the really tricky ones are the most loved ones.
Unfortunately parents often fall into this category. They mean well because they just want you to be successful. But depending on your age they elect to shovel the factoid shit at you (okay. It doesn’t really matter on their age) they are your parents and even though not using the word ‘doubt’ they are doubting you can do what you are thinking you want to do.
Believing in something you want to do or believing in yourself when there are external doubts (or doubters) is tough. It’s like a kick to the gut. It’s deflating. And maybe even more concerning … it can be tiring, emotionally and physically, and lonely (even though not everyone externally may doubt you those few can still isolates you slightly).
But.
Somehow you put the Kevlar vest on and take the bullets and move on.
I guess at some point you just need to figure out what insulates you from external doubt crap and move (because if you move you are more difficult to be hit by doubts). At some point you need to see your vision so crystal clear that you’ll laugh off the external doubters. Or even you cannot laugh at least you are moving toward something so maybe you can just ignore them.
Because external doubt can slow you down like barnacles on a ship.
Moving forward. Going. Movement. This next quote is about me. It fits my personality:
“The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it but that it is too low and we reach it.”
Michelangelo
I love this quote. It is a reminder to me that sometimes getting what you want isn’t really what you want. Look. I understand that some people like to reach some goals because it shows progress. I am not one of those people. I like aiming high and hoping someday I can attain it and constantly working toward that objective.
To work your way through external doubt you gotta figure out your path. Mine may work for you. Small goals may work for you. Doesn’t matter. Every time you do one more of what works for you the external doubts have less and less credibility.
In the end I guess I could suggest (and I believe the psychologist world would probably say this) but it comes down to proving it to yourself. And that cannot happen if you are frozen and not moving. Cause it doesn’t matter how many people will tell you that you can’t make it or do something that you have your sights on. It really only matters what you believe and what you do.
Yeah. It’s on you. You prove to yourself first and let all the other stuff just happen. But. It is a damn good motivator to get some revenge on the people who say you couldn’t (or subtly suggested you couldn’t) by doing it.
External doubt is just one of the hurdles life throws at us. Even if you don’t want be a hurdler you still have to figure out how to navigate them. There is no sense bitching that there are hurdles. Just get going and start the race.
doubt part 3: crushed between internal and external doubt
Apr 8th
So. Self doubt. Internal.
Others doubt. External.
What happens when someone starts getting crushed in the middle?
I have a dear friend who I believe is being crushed in between.
I would imagine anyone who is going thru unemployment combined with some natural internal doubts or insecurities faces it. Shit. Even if you have a strong sense of “I” (or “i”) not having a job, if you have always had a job, is tough with the ole doubt weight.
And it takes some strength and support to run this internal and external gauntlet and not get crushed. But. I fear he is being crushed between them.
Let me explain what is being crushed (and I am probably not going to get the word right).
I think all of us have a flame inside us. It’s not hope. It’s not belief. It’s not ego.
It’s just …. I.
Sometimes a little i and sometime a capital I but always burning inside us is this flame of i-ness.
And I think doubts (even more than failures) threaten the strength of that flame.
So when internal doubts and external doubts start pushing in on that flame … that I in us gets threatened. It may not be threatened in terms of being extinguished it just may simply become harder to see. The i may become so small it is difficult to find. Or maybe in some people the doubts bring a darkness with them that just makes it hard to see or find the i.
Most of the time it flickers back to life and grows stronger. And while a lot of people suggest it is belief in yourself (or it starts with yourself) that is just one way … it can be any number of reasons how it regains its strength.
But.
The scary thing is this combination of internal and external can be so overwhelming it can freeze you. Just when you need to move you don’t. And then you don’t again. And before you know it the shadows, the darkness, starts overwhelming the light of the flame.
And, even worse, it gets so dark even if you decide to move the way out isn’t that clear a path.
Because I can imagine it can start looking really dark in there.
When I call my friend I can still see a dim light. Sometimes just a flicker. And I do anything I can to insure it doesn’t extinguish.
But sometimes I don’t know what to do. And then I envision, shit, if I don’t know what to do then how the hell can he know what to do?
The difficulty is sometimes it looks so fragile in the darkness you fear blowing it out if you push too hard.
Anyway. I fear he is losing sight of the “I” within him as doubts overwhelm the flame.
But. This isn’t about me and whether I am smart enough to help my friend.
This is about what I do know. What I do know about that flame of I inside each of us.
Do what it takes to keep it alive. Keep your sense of I and don’t lose it.
Whatever it takes.
Let me repeat.
Whatever it takes.
In the past I have judged people who have leaned on religion. Leaned on prescription drugs. Leaned on self help books. Leaned on betterment programs.
Well. I have been a fool.
And ignorant.
A stupid ignorant fool.
For whatever path one chooses to maintain their flame is the right path. And a good path. And a path well taken.
You do whatever it takes to keep the flame alive and don’t get crushed by doubt. That’s it. Bottom line.
Well my friend. I hope you read this. In fact I hope a lot of people read this. And I hope we think about any of our friends who may be getting crushed in between the weight of internal and external doubts. I know I would do whatever it takes to make sure none of my friends ever got crushed.
And I imagine if I pulled them out hard enough they would start moving and get the hell out of there.
But.
We all need to remember.
Sometimes when you are stuck. And frozen. And it is so frickin’ dark you can’t see a frickin’ thing (let alone this frickin’ path this guy Bruce keeps talking about). If someone reaches in and grabs you, maybe hold on for awhile and see where they get you to. That is called accepting help.
And that is part of “whatever it takes.”
To be Nobody but Yourself
Apr 5th
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
e.e. cummings
Being yourself is tough. Not because you don’t want to be yourself or because you don’t know what you want to be as yourself but because the world around you is constantly suggesting you should be something else. That doesn’t mean that the world is always wrong. Growing up means learning that some things about yourself should change. But I think if I had been there when e.e. wrote this I would have suggested he be more specific for the hardest battle you are fighting is one of character. Life and other people are constantly trying to put some thick clouds up in the sky so that north star of “what is right versus wrong” gets more difficult to locate. And that is where it gets tough in the battle for self. Sometimes you just have to know where that star is even if you cannot see it all the time. And you just have to wait for the clouds to depart. And waiting is tough. That to me is sometimes the battle.
So. If you would like to get a glimpse of the battle from a 20something perspective click here to see what Jamie has to say.
