Enlightened Conflict

where truth resides

November 9th, 2012

“To find the truth you need do no more than examine everything you are absolutely sure would not lead to the truth and need only connect those facts that you are entirely sure had no relation at all. Because this, for better or worse, is exactly where the truth lies – at the intersection of the forgotten and the ignored, in the neighborhood of all we have tried to forget.” Silette <a fictional detective>

So.

‘… truth resides at the intersection of the forgotten and the ignored.’

What a fabulous thought.

Truth is simple … and complicated. Once discovered it seems so simple you wonder why it didn’t occur to you earlier. And many times we beat ourselves up for not recognizing the truth faster.

Well. We didn’t get there faster because the road we traveled most likely was the tried & true.

The comfortable. The one most traveled.

And truth is most often found on the road that leads to the intersection of forgotten and ignored.

We forget things that make us uncomfortable.

We forget things that don’t seem to make sense.

We forget things that seem unimportant <to us>.

We ignore things that make us uncomfortable.

We ignore things that don’t seem to make sense.

We ignore things that seem unimportant <to us>.

Truth sometimes rises from the seemingly unimportant, from things that don’t make sense and almost always makes us uncomfortable.

Oh.

This fictional character also said … ‘simplicity is the refuge of fools.’

Truth is rarely simple … therefore ‘simple truths’ are the refuge of fools.

More of us should visit the knowledge neighborhood we have tried to forget more often. It isn’t simple … but most of us are not fools. Nor do we seek to live in the refuge of fools.

We seek to be something better.

We seek truth.

And to do so … we should examine everything we are sure would not lead to the truth.

desire for distinction

July 15th, 2012

“There lurks, perhaps, in every human heart a desire of distinction, which inclines every man first to hope, and then to believe, that Nature has given him something peculiar to himself.” – Samuel Johnson

Business and life parallel themselves in different ways.

And they often have similar repercussions.

Desire for distinction is one of those things.

I believe the majority of people have a desire for some type of distinction.

As do businesses.

Ah. But the difference.

100% of businesses have a desire for distinction <rather than most of the people>.

Ok. Not just businesses but anything associated with making money. And it isn’t just a desire but rather it is a focus … and a blinding relentless pursuit of distinction which sometimes reaches absurd levels.

Think about this:

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.  - C. S. Lewis

I love the combination of these thoughts.

  1. We desire to be distinct.
  2. If we do not try to be distinct we may become so without even noticing it.

Distinction is one of those fabulous things that the more you try to be distinct the less likely you will actually be so <at least in a meaningful way>.

And if I could convince more companies to think about this with clear heads I am not sure i would make any more money but I am sure they would.

I know, I know … easy for me to say <not the money thing but rather the ‘they should do’ thing>.

But the pursuit of the elusive distinction can sometimes drive businesses to some fairly irrelevant, if not absurd, and absolutely meaningless places. I know it sounds crazy but if they ignored the whole distinction goal I bet it would happen. Well. It would happen if they were smart about focusing on themselves … who they were and who they wanted to be.

So let’s call it a crazy smart idea.

But tough to do <as most crazy smart ideas are>. Tough because it doesn’t exactly match up with the standard “this is how you are supposed to do it” management guides.

Anyway.

Maybe that is the most important point.

There are a lot, a shitload, of crazy smart business people out there.

But there are not a lot of crazy smart business people willing to do something crazy like ignore the business books “plan to success” blueprints.

Here is where I put my money.

The few. Those crazy enough to not plan for distinction but rather let distinction and originality simply evolve from who they are, what they think and their vision of what they think they should be.

Crazy?

Probably.

But in a world where the majority of businesses, and new ideas, fail … maybe this isn’t a crazy a thought as it sounds.

in the depths of solitude

July 13th, 2012

Well. I will let you read the poem before I say some things:

“I exist in the depths of solitude

pondering my true goal.

Trying 2 find peace of mind

and still preserve my soul.

CONSTANTLY yearning 2 be accepted

and from all receive respect.

Never compromising but sometimes risky

and that is my only regret.

A young heart with an old soul

how can there be peace.

How can I be in the depths of solitude

when there R 2 inside of me.

This Duo within me causes

the perfect opportunity

2 learn and live twice as fast

as those who accept simplicity.”

-          poem by Tupac Shakur

Every once in awhile you read something written by a famous, controversial, individual and you get reminded that most of us are alike in how we think about shit.

This poem was one of those things for me.

First of all not a single line is wasted. Each is thoughtful and thought provoking.

Second it was written by Tupac. Now. Tupac wasn’t just controversial … he was a lightning rod for issues.

Some created by his own fault and some created by a misunderstanding, and unforgiving, public. And sometimes that controversy made many of us <me included> tune him out. I imagine I was not in a minority as a group of people who just thought there was nothing truly meaningful there to hear from this individual.

2 quick thoughts.

  1. I was wrong.
  2. What a shame.

Regardless.

The man could put words together in ways many people can only dream of. He was a contradiction <as many of us are> and he had the ability to capture that contradiction in what he said and sang and did.

So. The poem.

In the depths of solitude.

Within each of our own ‘depths of solitude’ I imagine we all wrestle with some of the same things Tupac did … and some of our own stuff.

I imagine if we invested the energy to think about it enough we would see that we wrestle so much because of the natural contradictions.

Peace of mind and preserve my soul.

Never compromise but sometimes risky.

Young heart and old soul <how can there be peace?>

And what an amazing thought he finishes with … for all of us to ponder.

“Learn faster than those who accept simplicity.”

Awesome.

So rather than have the contradictions split him … and slow him down … it permits him the hope, in his own soul searching <depths of solitude>, to think he can live life, and learn, twice as fast.

And while still recognizing that life is not really that simple … yet some accept the simple path. In my eyes accepting simplicity is not really living life to its fullest … but that’s me. And I certainly don’t have the level of joie de vivre that Tupac had .. which actually balked at simplicity.

I envision there is some place in between that is a happy medium.

All my own words & thoughts aside … this is a thoughtful smart insightful poem from a man who should have lived longer to share what he had to share.

And because he didn’t we should pay attention to what he did share while he was alive.

julia and insignificance

June 1st, 2012

“Some people think of it as something very useful to be called a movie star. For me, it’s just insignificant. “- Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts has always been slightly an enigma to me.

Spectacular in Pretty Woman.

Delightful opposite Hugh Grant.

Surprising in selective movies.

I suspect she is a better actress than we give her credit for … just as her attractiveness sometimes isn’t as obvious until you hear her laugh <or see her smile>.

And then I saw something she said in a Vanity Fair interview:

The question: do you let the idea of movie stardom reach you on any level? Is it a cosmic riddle you’ve been given to solve?

Julia:Well. It’s not a riddle but it’s a manufactured external element. I don’t think it’s personal. I don’t think it’s clearly defined. And it’s funny; some people think of it as very valuable. Some people think of it as something very useful to be called a movie star. For me, it’s just insignificant. “

Oh my … “for me it is just insignificant.”

(by the way … I would call that a true enlightened piece of thinking)

Humble.

Good perspective.

Heck. A pretty refreshing perspective.

Very ordinary person like.

And extraordinarily insightful <in a common sense way>.

I admit. When I think of Julia I think of her standing there in the bookstore in the movie Notting Hill saying “after all …  I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her ” And when I read this quote, in my own little fantasy world view, I almost envisioned we got a glimpse of the real Julia in that scene.

Regardless.

I didn’t write this as an ode to Julia Roberts … but rather a thought on fame and Life.

Why?

Do I believe all famous people are like this?

Nope.

Fame does funny things to people. Ok. Let’s say ‘popularity’ does odd things to people. Not just wildly famous actresses and actors but even ordinary people who gain an aspect of fame on whatever spectrum you want to measure fame/popularity on. It is partially natural because I believe we all have at least a thread of desire to be noticed … and valued.

Paraphrasing a foreign policy expert who was talking about power … “a person who has encountered fame is like a diner sitting down to a full table … until he/she starts eating they don’t realize how hungry they are. Fame changes people. It expands their wants and desires, increases their sense of entitlement, their need for deference and respect. It also makes them more ambitious. It lessens their tolerance to obstacles, their willingness to take no for an answer.”

Here is a truth.

Fame is only insatiable if you permit it to be so.

Fame is only a burden to bear if you give it weight.

Because … as Julia suggests … you can decide it is insignificant … and with that insignificance I imagine it becomes weightless.

Personally I don’t begrudge any person their 15 minutes, or 15 seconds, of fame.

I imagine it is a higher high than any drug could ever provide. In addition I tend to believe it triggers some Maslow like stuff inside you … self actualization & self esteem and … well …. any sense of self stuff. I am not suggesting you get defined by it … just that the moment of fame triggers it.

And, maybe, that is the issue. What happens when it is triggered? Do you become defined by it or simply accept it for what that moment gave you. I only wish more people would put it in perspective as Julia has. Even if you do not have the extreme fame she, and other celebrities, does. Because big or small … stardom, or fame, in the end … is first and foremost is external … manufactured by someone else. Secondly it is insignificant in the real scheme of things.

This is a stimulus & response thing.  You control, and own, the stimulus – the deed. They <someone else> controls, and owns, the fame.

Significance should be found in deeds.

Because deeds are … well … internal. Manufactured by the individual. If you gain fame from the deed, well, I guess that is good. But that is a guess. What isn’t a guess is that you gain self respect for the deed. Oh. And that is significant <just in case you were not sure>.

everybody is a genius

July 18th, 2010

“Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.

-          Albert Einstein

I have another post from Al discussing great people who don’t really see themselves as great.

And I am not sure Albert really said this quote above but if he really did he really was a genius.

A frickin’ genius in looking at people around you.

So often we look for standards and test scores and performance reviews trying to assess how smart people are by constantly seeking to benchmark against norms and similar traits in groupings … and all that crap.

Look. I like tests. And I do believe tests can play a role.

But standards and norms are killing us. Ok. That is extreme. But I do believe that in schools and in the business place we are becoming so dependent on standards to judge each other that effective ‘non-normal’ individuals doesn’t get recognized.

Okay. Maybe a better thing to say is I am concerned all of this standardizing is killing creativity of individuality … and even worse … possibly the creative problem solver. And it makes it more difficult to judge ‘genius.’

We try and judge kids and have them line up in a row from tallest to shortest in terms of smarts and scores and tell them to climb the next test tree.

And sometimes the fish fails the test.

Yet the fish, in its eccentricity and individuality, when asked to breathe underwater?

Kicks ass.

Maybe because Al Einstein was a genius in his own right it was easier for him to be comfortable allowing everyone around him to be a genius too. I don’t know. I would like to hope it isn’t this way.

And while I began this talking about kids this entire issue bleeds into adulthood. The judging doesn’t stop simply because you have left the world of tests and standards and crap like that. Now the genius bar is degrees and titles and status.

But. I would like to think somehow … some way … that rather than believe everyone has to be a president or a Rhodes scholar to be a genius … that maybe the crew chief on Dale Jr’s car is a frickin’ genius. Not just about car stuff but people management and logistics.

Maybe you don’t have to be some vice president of somethingorother to be a genius and that maybe the mother who is bringing up a kid full time and working real estate on the side is a frickin’ genius in teaching respect and honor and responsibility and just plain getting shit done.

Unfortunately society doesn’t tell us to think this way.

Unfortunately life has established some pecking order that suggests you only qualify as a genius if you have done x, y and z.

But fortunately for us Albert (who apparently did x, y and z pretty frickin’ well) says it doesn’t have to be that way.

Fortunately for us we, the people, can elect to seek out genius if someone has just done their a, b and c’s in a way, and in an environment, that qualifies them for genius status.

Once again, good ole Al Einstein was a pretty smart guy.

Maybe we should pay attention.

Maybe we should find the fish around us and recognize their genius for swimming in a world where everyone else is seeking to climb some tree.

about curiosity

June 24th, 2010

This post is a companion to my boundaries of ignorance post.

To me there is a difference between gaining knowledge and having curiosity. Curiosity is that little engine inside your ethos <soul, stomach, etc.> that keeps your mind chugging along. It can be maddening in that it is rarely linear and often random.

Curiosity is the spark to gaining whatever knowledge you do end up accumulating.

I know I am almost always head over heels in like with smart people who are knowledgeable about a variety of things.

Which typically leads to the fact I am positively always head over heels in love with people who are incessantly curious. People whose curiosity engine is always running. Yup. I admit. I love those people.

So. About curiosity. That never ending curiosity.

The part of you that has recognition there is a bottomless pit of knowledge out in the world.Curiosity

If you put those two things together (bottomless pit & knowledge) in your mind and just let it rest in there and never let it do what it is that it does to your mind … you will have a lot of fun in life. Because for everything you know there is some indefinable exponential amount of things remaining you don’t know. And that is fun.

I have heard people in the business world say “I want to know everything there is to know on this topic.” I have often thought that was one of the silliest things anyone could ever say.

You can know a lot. You can know enough to be dangerous. But knowledge is truly a bottomless pit. Even on one topic you probably don’t have enough hours in a lifetime to know everything there is. I guess that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try … but suggesting you know everything is … well … silly.

But.

Knowing what you know is good.

Knowing you could know more is … well … even gooder.

And knowing you want to know more all the time … well … that is the goodest I guess.

Anyway.

Curiosity is one of the three things I tell young people is the secret to success (the other two are resiliency and character).

Curiosity is a cornerstone to personal growth (which, ultimately, is the biggest ‘success’).

I believe as long as you retain your curiosity and are always seeking to learn more in the attempt to sate it … then you are well on your way to being successful if not just a more interesting person.

oh. And, of course, because this is my site … curiosity means at some point you are challenging ignorance (and becoming a wee bit more enlightened … i haven’t used “wee” in awhile and this was a good excuse).

But, hey, that’s me.

To paraphrase the Faber College <of Animal House> motto of “knowledge is good” … curiosity is good <on the infamous Bruce “good/bad” scale>.

Mainly because curiosity leads to some version of enlightenment <another good on the “good/bad scale>.

global generation part 1: dawn of Enlightened Individuality

May 5th, 2010

There is a mysterious cycle in human events.
To some generations, much is given.
Of other generations, much is expected.
This Generation has a rendezvous with destiny
.”

President Franklin D. Roosevelt

It all begins with the fact I do believe generations are cyclical (this is the 4th Turning analysis from Strauss & Howe). I do believe we can impact generational behavior if we can access the minds of children in their formative years. And with that, the following outlines my thoughts on what will shape the post-Millennial generation, what I call The Global Generation, and their role in the Turnings of history. (for information on the Generation Turnings visit www.fourthturning.com)

The Post-Millennial Generation: the Global Generation

Why call it The Global Generation?  Globally there should be an exponential growth in creativity (toward environment as well as science) as the “global mind” seamlessly shares ideas and thinking. While I will never suggest this ‘global mind’ won’t have conflict, I do believes there will be unprecedented knowledge sharing (which should lead to Enlightenment).

The Premise behind The Global Generationnext generation of thinkers

One word. Convergence.

Convergence of the right generation with the right mindset being in the right place with the right enabler tool.

The Global Generation will occur as the synthesis of the convergence between an enabler (the web) and an attitude (the right generation). The Global Generation will arise from the momentum of smaller generational variables (the attitudes and beliefs of the boomers, genXers and Millennials) with the added impact of a technological innovation. I believe this generation will be Individual voices raised to a collective “global roar” of not social pluralism but rather a values based global pluralism.

The current older generations spiraling divisiveness (with its vocal extreme niches) will provide an opportunity for the Global Generation to attain a balanced belief profile (or assessing the truth). To me, the Global Generation is a fulcrum generation (or call it a transitional one if you prefer). In the existing generational environment there is a growing abdication of individual responsibility as we fall back into a consensus mindset (this is reflected often in a growing concern or interest in community and localness). As events unfurl and the Global Generation has the opportunity to grow up within this environment, we should see a shift into “Empowered individual responsibility” (of which we see signs of it creeping into the Millennial generation).

Some people have argued the Millennials will be this ‘global’ generation.

I don’t think so (and here is why I believe it will be the generation following Millennials)

The Global Generation is the crossover, or transition, generation in the swing between “me-ness” and “we-ness”. I believe this generation will own a contradiction: Community individualism.

And they will bring about a cultural change in the way we perceive and use our natural environments and how we treat each other globally. Millennials and GenXers have set them up to be in this position.

Global local1. Why I believe this: Tapping into the Subcurrent

Just as Strauss and Howe outline generational cycles I believe there are also subcurrent cycles. The one most relevant to the Global Generation theory is that of cycles of community and individualism. And this cycle relationship creates a multi dimensional aspect by existing as a focus within a generation as well as a within a lifetime of a generation. What I mean by this is that on one dimension generations on a whole swing back and forth between a comfort in collective or community culture and individualism (or “me” focused). On another dimension or the dynamics of that same feeling within the life of a generation (meaning maybe it was all about me when I was younger but ‘me’ starts looking at ‘we’s’ and our collective experiences as elders).

Strauss and Howe articulate this concept much more intelligently but I have dumbed it down for

Interestingly, as 4th Turning outlines the overall roles of generations this individual/community relationship actually converges to create within this post-millennial generation and it is one of the generations that have an opportunity to balance them. This balance, should it be achieved, provides the potential for a global values platform for the generation.

The post millennial generation (The Global Generation) will have been preceded by the two extremes of community and individualism.

  • GenXers are the “me” generation. Focused on maintaining the strength of their individuality (maybe without the rebelliousness as they get older) borne of their youth. As they “grey” they will better understand the importance of community strength in addressing big issues, i.e., “maybe those big issues are better solved by the larger group then by us few extreme voices” but their individuality is at the core of their being.
  • Millennials are the “we” community generation. Consensus and group dynamics and openness are attributes of this generation. Having seen the power of the group/community in their youth they will begin edging into understanding the voice of individuality as they ‘grey’.

Both prior generations will have explored global issues and both will have lived thru ignorant conflict (and felt there had to be something better). The Global Generation will benefit from what the prior generations couldn’t figure out how to do on their own.

2. Why I believe this: The converging aspects: the enabler and the enabled (vocalizing versus learning)

As suggested earlier, I believe the web is the key tool which will enable the Global Generation. Each prior generation has been progressively more understanding of the web as a knowledge platform and progressively better at maximizing the platform (I actually believe Millennials will probably demand some knowledge or accuracy standards as they get older and take on the reins of the web). GenXers will have seen the power of the individual voice or minority voice (both good and bad) and will be receptive to an accurate and accessible knowledge platform.

If you combine the physical asset (or infrastructure to support a global transfer or platform for knowledge and information) with the behavioral aspects of generational tendencies, you see the potential for a convergence where individual/country cycles converge to sync into one time and one place. Similar to a sun being blocked by the moon this may be a once in a long while convergence before spreading out again into individual orbits. It just appears to me that we have an opportunity to influence attitudes before everyone goes back to their “orbits”.

I don’t know that I would call the advent of the web globally (and by globally I mean access to all or the majority of local populations globally – which cell phone technology has the potential to create throughout developing countries) an “event” as the Fourth Turning would define it but it certainly becomes a common platform that has never existed before. In addition, the intern
et certainly has the potential to influence “turnings”.

You can see even now how different generations are attempting to use the web to influence how people think and act. For example, the web has given voice to the minority or splinter groups, allowing voices of divisiveness (or maybe better said voices of the extreme positions) to be expressed and heard on a larger podium/stage.

This also presents an opportunity for the future Global Generation.

web platformWhile other generations will use the web to ‘vocalize,’ I believe the evolving generation will use the web (or at least if someone uses it properly) to “learn”. It will enable a higher level of intimacy between cultures and globally dispersed local communities (or maybe, more specifically, individuals). We see this emerging even today (it just has not matured). Not surprisingly, this technology has transformed our worlds – empowering people with access to extensive circles of population as well as connecting in surprisingly personal and intimate ways.

I may be putting a lot of pressure on the internet as “the convergence factor” (or the enabler) to create this Global Generation. But. Generations are typically impacted by innovations. Think Electricity, the Engine, the Car, the TV, Dwarf grain and now the web. An innovation can exponentially affect an existing attitude. And innovations “lag” (immediate impact on early adopters who provide input to refine and ultimately majority adopts) so the timing works out to Global Generation being the knowledgeable majority.

So. Each generation has been progressively gaining more understanding of the web as a knowledge platform and progressively better at maximizing the platform (I also believe it will be the Millennials who will demand some knowledge or accuracy standards as they get older and take on the reins of the web standards). GenXers’ role will be that they have seen the power of the individual voice or minority voice (both good and bad) and will be receptive to an accurate and accessible knowledge platform. Once again the Global Generation will be able to take advantage of a prior generation’s preparation.

Lastly (on why the Millennials are not the Global Generation).

This is extreme but I believe the Millennial generation is “too far down the path” to be the Global Generation. They were the early adopters of a web based global community aspect and there will certainly be “cusp” generational citizens, but as a whole they are being bombarded with the vocal minority and don’t have the global counterbalance (I guess what I mean by that is I believe Millenials will still fall back on country cycles as the subconscious place to go). Millennials will be open to a global community (which is the reason why I believe the Global Generation will be successful as they follow in their footsteps).

The Aftermath of Convergence: The Global Generation Legacy

Community Individualism leading to Enlightened Conflict.

This balance of community and individuality will permit this generation to better accept and respect the choices made by individuals globally and yet strengthen local communities (I actually believe that will be represented by strengthened country patriotism). The community aspect will definitely lead to some cultural or geographical driven conflict yet the respect for individual choices elsewhere will balance the conflict within a “values set of rules.”

So. What’s next?

The post-Global Generation: Enlightened Individuality Generation?

If I were to guess. Sticking with the turnings and archetypes. To help make my point. I would guess the generation after the Global Generation would begin the “separation” aspects seeking clarification of geographical community versus global community. And I believe that is a good healthy thing. Especially if the Global Generation has sought out and wrapped their arms around a common respect. Or common “rules of the road” to conduct interaction – or conflict – as more distinct geographical individualism reemerges.

Summary: What does all this mean?

Assuming I am right alignment creates a window of opportunity. Generations are not set by birth, but by accumulated experience over a lifetime. As Millennials will deal with a Crisis, the Global Generation will deal with the aftermath.

And from the crisis (yet to be identified) the importance between ignorant conflict and enlightened conflict will be clarified for the Global Generation.

So I imagine it comes down to what we want to do before the window closes and what we do to “accumulate experience.” With the promise of a new Global Generation we need to foster the intercultural dialogues, lessons and beliefs. Children comprise approximately twenty per cent of the global population but represent one hundred percent of our future. In our thrust to be analytical, impartial and scientifically rigorous we may have lost the values based pluralism aspects for educating future generations to ensure the protection of humanity.

Now that anyone in almost any country can see or meet through the internet with anyone anywhere, the Global Generation will recognize the differences between us as being as important as before because we see that we are all trying to get to the same place, and we all mostly have the same dreams. Access to technology, computer or cell phone, will create a situation where children globally will have access to similar information and knowledge (and will be communicating with each other in a fashion where country borders are irrelevant).

We need to insure that generation in its youth is not overwhelmed by the enormity of the global problems and insure they understand their actions will have an impact.  This “understanding” encompasses environmental responsibility, social resilience, community connection and actionable knowledge towards a sustainable future.

I would never suggest someone could manage the moment of this scope but it may be possible to influence the moment. In other words, take advantage and influence future behavior activity when the alignment opportunity is closed and cultures begin vectoring out on their own.

At this convergence point in time this Global Generation will begin to truly understand, as a generation and not an underlying minority, it doesn’t matter who believes what, but that we all believe in the preservation of the Earth and its people so we can all continue live comfortably in the future without having to kill each other or our resources. Religions will be seen less as exclusive clubs of believers but rather as individual choices to be respected.

The stake I personally would put in the ground? Mutual respect for individuals’ choice and life. Hopefully shifting globally from ignorant conflict to a more enlightened conflict perspective. We should be seeking to create a Global Generation of resilient children who are motivated, have high self esteem and respect for others.

That’s it. That’s my Global Generation. Admittedly this theory all falls apart if the web platform isn’t managed properly. Selfishly I have an agenda (see Envisioning a Legacy writing) about this web platform aspect but as a concept (The Global Generation) I believe what I write is true. Part 2 is using a Millennial Study to further this idea.

respect for the single mother

April 18th, 2010

I have the utmost respect for single mothers (and the utmost disdain for the respective absent fathers). I had an amazing relationship with a young woman during her pregnancy (and the absence of the father) and thru the birth of her little boy. This experience is probably even more impactful to me because this single mother gave me probably my first heartfelt soul reaching “I love you” (a pretty incredible gift).

Having lived through that experience, and loved the woman who went through it, I am pretty sure most people looking from the outside in (people who haven’t been through it) have no real idea what a single mother goes through.

If there was ever a situation where people should view a person’s actions as “doing the best that they can” when judging them, this is probably it. Their actions may not always look right (or the best) but I saw Bridget deal with thing after thing and issue after issue and in the end she just did the best she could (and it was pretty damn good).

So having this personal experience means I have exponentially increased respect for single mothers. The choice. The choices. The worries. The anger. All the crap they have to deal with.

Bridget was amazing. Her ability to deal with the trials and strength of character was ‘aweing’ (or awe-inspiring?) and I loved her for it. And in a way I guess I love that about all the strong single mothers. Looking back I think our “I love yous” weren’t that romantic passionate ‘I love yous’ (although at the time I knew I wanted it to be the big type and I would guess she hoped it may be also). The situation just created two people who from a distance fell in love.

Her capacity to share her love with me was a once-in-a-lifetime moment. It represents one of those really rare special moments when you can remember almost every detail associated with it. And maybe what made it more impactful was it came unexpectedly, and quietly, as I stood at an airport phone in Columbus Ohio on Halloween after months of talking over the phone. But. I will say it again. Bridget was (and probably still is) was one of the strongest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and caring for. Her capacity to deal with single mother pregnancy and what that brought to her at that time in her life (mid 20’s) was awe inspiring.

Our relationship was odd at best. We met auspiciously at a bar in Tampa where she was a waitress. But after she became pregnant and the guy decided for whatever reasons he had to step away she moved back home with her parents in New Jersey. I had since moved to Dallas for work.

letterWe wrote letters. Okay. In the beginning I wrote letters. Lots of em. I was working over 55 hours a week every week and traveling 4 days out of every seven. So I used the time to write.

How about how I wished I could help.

Things I thought she may need help thinking about.

Maybe just being a friend.

But I guess mostly I wrote about my life so she could think about other things.

I cherished her letters (which became more frequent). And responded in detail. And we talked on the phone. A lot. Sometimes for hours at a time. It didn’t matter about the letters. We always had something to say. Sometimes I am not sure that it mattered what was said. More that we were just talking.

It was a scary sometimes angry time for her. She was pregnant. Single. The guy was nowhere to be found. But let me say her parents were a rock. Her mother was an example I believe all single mothers mothers should aspire to be <unequivocally supportive>. And my role? Minimal in the scheme of things … but I did the best I could to make it less scary and less angry a time.

I volunteered to fly to be there when her son, Tyler, was born. And I think the father actually made an appearance but then disappeared again. But she dealt with it with her family (and I respected the decision … one of many she had to make at a very difficult time).

I saw her and Tyler that Christmas (getting there from Dallas included a small plane ‘flight from hell’ with the 300 pound drunken Texan in his 50 gallon hat on his way to gamble in Atlantic City for Christmas … but that is a different funny story). In fact one of my favorite pictures of myself to this day is one of me holding Tyler that Christmas.bruce and tyler

In the end she was the smart one … smart enough to let me go when I left. I would have fought on for us but for whatever reason face to face she was the smarter of the two of us and realized what was right for both of us.

Once again. Looking back. The capacity of a single mother to be able to work their way thru decisions like that with everything else heaped upon her shoulders is awe inspiring.

The conclusion: Things changed after that for us (as it should have). I guess I hope that I was there at that time for a reason.

And maybe she was there for me at that time for a reason.

I am not sure if ever told her how much she helped me thru a 2700 work hours, almost million flying mile, year. I do know that I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have the strength to be a single parent. But that doesn’t mean I cannot help when I can.

I do know because of her strength and love and that time in my life that any single mother in the circle of my life has my unequivocal support. Whatever they need I try and do right by them.

And I certainly view single mothers differently <positively I may add>.

Bridget is unmatchable in my life <so far> with regard to not only how she handled her situation but also in how she viewed Life. She didn’t just teach me about being a single parent but she and her family just taught me a lot about character and strength.

I chuckle a little … but unfortunately for women in my life afterwards … a bar had been set by Bridget in my expectations.Expectations of strength and character and depth of heart.

And, you know what? That is okay.

She set a great example.

Not everyone has had my experience and, to be fair, I may not have been a big enough <or good enough> person to have had such a depth of respect for single mothers if I had not had a personal experience. It is always tough to truly understand something from the outside looking in … without a real experience. That is not an excuse … just an explanation.

So. Have respect for single mothers. Don’t judge their actions too harshly. And help whenever you can. Even a little bit of help can go a very long way.

Enlightened Conflict