Enlightened Conflict

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definition of love

June 15th, 2012

Oh.

Those darn tween/teens.  Saying such … well … mature thoughtful things.  Even about love (when all they are supposed to understand is puppy love).

Ok.

Sure.

They are just words … versus how they would actually deal with the situation. But. Regardless.  There are many adults who cannot articulate the concept of love as well as this.

“Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times. Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more. Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as anything less than you deserve. And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be. And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that needed you the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.” -  xiloveyouxlaura on xanga

And.

She follows up her thoughts on love with words about letting go.

It reads as a cathartic post.

One in which she puts words on paper hoping that they rise up and actually become reality instead of just sitting there echoing inside her heart.

Once again.

Teen maturity.

Teen wisdom.

Teen seeing truth.

And, once again, I am not suggesting she is actually living the words … I am simply giving her credit for recognizing what she SHOULD know and do.

In my eyes … knowing what to do and feel is half the battle.

Sure.

The other half of the battle is a humdinger (actually doing it) … but maybe she will write something else some other day when she is older to prove to us once again that teens are smarter than we think.

As for smartness? “Letting go is growing up.” Well. About love or not that is an adult thought.

Here is how she talks to her fellow teens about ‘letting go’:

“To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind & confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.”

Well done, Laura.

Well written.

Well thought out.

If I could tell her one thing, given what she has written and how she was able to articulate the thought behind love … that she has a better chance at real love at some point than a shitload of people in the world.

Oddly … teens could teach us adults (or at least remind us) some good things to remember about love … and the feeling.

Ok.

And lastly.

Something silly about love.

Something silly about what you would ever ask someone you love to do for you.

Silly … but mostly true.

I included this because after thinking about love … and what Laura said on her blog … I found this. And in it’s random silliness I found a diamond of truth. I believe this is what every man wants his children to think … and his soul mate to do for him in the end … (maybe by including this I am showing just one more example for why I have never been married) …

Burt:

Do you promise to let our daughter be fat or skinny or any weight at all? Because we want her to be happy, no matter what. Being obsessed with weight is just too cliché for our daughter.

Verona:

Yes, I do.

And do you promise, when she talks, you’ll listen? Like, really listen, especially when she’s scared? And that her fights will be your fights?

Burt:

I do.

And do you promise that if I die some embarrassing and boring death that you’re gonna tell our daughter that her father was killed by Russian soldiers in this intense hand-to-hand combat in an attempt to save the lives of 850 Chechnyan orphans?

Verona:

I do. Chechnyan orphans. I do. I do.

So.

Maybe I am best described as a realist with a touch of hopeless romantic.

Maybe all that really means is that I like to find people who value a romantic type of love love but believe a relationship must have a strong thread of a companion type of love.

Maybe I like to believe that we adults don’t have all the answers to love and that maybe, just maybe, teens can remind us what love is really all about. And that maybe there is a silly part of love that we should remember.

Or … maybe I am just being silly.

One thing I AM sure of?

You only need to find one who feels the same way.

things i have learned about marriage (even though I’m not)

September 4th, 2010


So.

First.

Why am I writing this?

Well. In that warped way I collect thoughts and ideas and learning I came across two items about marriage almost simultaneously as I was reading different things searching for an insightful piece of information for something I was writing. One was on a blog (and I included the entire fabulous little write up below) and the other was in Tennis magazine (whew. Talk about piecing together some random pieces of information). But when one dropped on top of the other and both captured a really nice thought about marriages and long relationships I started to write.

Second.

All my married best friends are in rock solid marriages. And I guess I should include my sister also.

Rock solid. Okay. Sure. All of them have had some ups & downs and several had what I would call a ‘trial rocky’ period. And I cannot find one true similarity between all of them (excepting me and I will not be claiming any cause & effect relationship in this situation). All have their own unique balance and are rock solid. I am lucky to have them as friends.

And then.

I read the blog post below and it really does seem to make the whole dating game seem worth it.

The realities of “you are no picnic to be living with either” is a kind of stunning reminder of how difficult it is to share space with someone else who you may adore and love but drive you frickin’ crazy at the exact same time.

Some people have this crazy fairytale idea of what marriage is or should be and while I certainly won’t suggest it isn’t easy I also won’t suggest it isn’t really “work.” Oftentimes it is just keep things in perspective.

It is really easy to lose sight of all the little aggravating things we do that can be annoying to others and rather focus instead on the other’s “dirty sock” (or whatever) issue.

It truly can be a huge pain in the ass to live with another human being.

Squeezing toothpaste from the end or the middle. Not wiping off the counter if dripped something. The load of laundry that is sitting there that could have been started at any time as they walked by.

All need to be balanced by the amount of times maybe they have made you laugh when you were ready to cry. The random act of the romantic that does remind you that they care despite all the crap going on.

Anyway. whatever those things are that are good to balance the “bad.”

Sure.

I imagine we would all like the little things to be perfect because they all feel like little aggravations that we don’t need. And the little aggravations can become “personal” very very fast. Like. ‘I have told them a hundred times so they must know it is important to me but they don’t do anything about it.’

Anyway.

I imagine my friends in long term marriages have mastered balancing the ‘unimportant imperfections’ of their partner.

It doesn’t mean the little stuff isn’t important. It just means that some little stuff is just that – little.

Well.

And then there is the really big stuff. (this is where Tennis magazine comes in)

So. Kim Clijsters had retired to raise a family. She then unretired (and here is where all this marriage stuff comes into play).

Here are some quotes from her husband (a successful European pro basketball player):

“The most important thing I had to know was whether she really meant it or not (the unretiring and playing again) and when I realized that it was something she really wanted to do it was the easiest decision of my life to say, absolutely, I am 100% behind you to do it.”

Next.

So Clijsters (a really good player by the way) is making a pretty improbable run at the US Open maybe a month after she had unretired and her husband is with the kid in the stands:
“all I did was keep quiet. I was just trying to be a good dad and a good support system. I saw the kind of work she put into this and I was just really really happy to see that happen for her.”

(just want to remind everyone here that he is a top grade athlete with an ego and ambition of his own watching someone – albeit someone he loves – being successful in her sport while he had put his own success in his own sport on hold at the time)

Ok.

I admit.

It’s that kind of stuff that makes me believe in marriage and partnership and stuff like that.

Anyway.

That Tennis magazine article and the following post made me want to write something for all my good friends who have marriages I respect and envy. Marriage is only tough I imagine if you let the little shit get in the way of the big shit.

(the blog celebrating 10 years of marriage)
It does not matter how much they love you, men, after having failed at blaming a passing bus, the cat, a shuttle launch in Houston, a dragon in the basement, a bear in the woods, they will ultimately try to blame their flatulence on you. As if.

It is as enduring as the fact that-

They will probably never learn to handle their dirty socks in the precise manner you hope that they would. Women all over the world pour their energy into their husband’s sock disposing  habits.

Inevitably, I’ve come to realize that we are all happier in this house if I just pick up the damn socks myself.

And inevitably, someone will say I just killed feminism by picking up my husband’s socks. But I’d wager that person thinks too much. Because the truth about life and the truth about marriage is that if a person leaves their crusty dried up socks on the floor, they most likely aren’t the kind of man who cares if there are dirty, crusty, vile, ass-tastic socks on the floor.  You can make this an issue for more than a decade if you want, but all you will have done is driven both of you crazy when in fact it takes 5 seconds to chuck the offending socks into the hamper. You can twist an issue every which way. You can imbue it with all sorts of bloated insinuations of how your husband does not love you/ is an inconsiderate moron who takes you for granted/ treats you terribly because you find random balls of sock about the house, but really the truth is, it’s not about you. He’s just a beastly cave man who likes to free his feet of sockdom where ever he may be.

And there is really no point in trying to change that about him. If you don’t want them on the floor, pick them up. He’ll never notice. And before you begin to believe this is because he is obviously ungrateful for all you do for him; consider this: You are no picnic to be living with either.

That’s right. I said it. Living with another human being can be a serious pain in the ass.  Especially when you’ve got that whole til death do us part thing hanging over your heads. This goes beyond socks. There are parts of your life that will be hideous-miserable. There will be days you will wish you  never said I do. Days when you become your ugliest self and lash despite your better judgment. There will be days where you put Divorce Court on the tube and wonder out loud how long of a wait there is to get on the show.

But having now survived ten entire years of this, I say it warmly and with fondness.

Marriage is a funny animal. So are the humans who do their best to navigate it. But it’s not all that hard. There is a formula; It goes like this: Don’t be so worried about his G-D socks all the time. In other words, most likely the best place to look when you are mad at your spouse is at yourself. Sure you can be mad about the socks. You can harp on him about it. You can make him feel defensive. You can put negative energy between you for a pair of crusty socks. You can even keep a running list of socks you find and how each one is an assault on your being. But then you’ll get around to thinking your marriage is hopeless and so many other yards have really green grass and that you don’t have love and happiness in your life and well, that can kind of blow.

You’ve got to choose your battles, because there will be real ones that matter far more than socks. So when you find a sock on the floor,  just toss it. When you are at odds with your beloved sockless cave mate, when you feel he hasn’t listened or honored your feelings or wishes, because that is what it is almost always about beneath the laundry pile, take a deep breath and respond in the most loving way possible. This is not easy. I fail often. But I have learned how much it matters. You can get mad as hell and live that way, or you can pause to say I honor and love you. Sometimes you drive me nuts, but I am willing to see it your way. I chose you for better or worse. You will find this is magic for when such simple words are uttered the response is warm in turn. Suddenly,  old, crusty-socked beast of a jerk-face cave man really does love you after all. You will find that it is easy to allow each other the delightful luxury of growing and being the persons you inherently are.

Your cave man is truly wonderful and romantic, really. He cares about your feelings. And no, he doesn’t bring home flowers or jewelry or other lame gestures of symbolic romance, I am talking the real kind of romance. Those moments when you catch him covering you in the night when your blankets have fallen to the side or the way he still smiles as he did when you walked down the aisle all those years ago. You will wonder where the crazy kids you were somehow became this picture of him holding your daughter, walking her to school, snuggling you both on Sunday mornings.  You will find him doing odd things like picking up his dirty socks and throwing them in the hamper; you will find he has been doing it more than you gave him credit for all along.

Keep at it long enough and you realize that for better and for worse, you’re pretty much living happily ever after, you know, if you dim the lights and use a soft focus.

It’s a good life, and you’re surviving it. It doesn’t get much better than that.

( Happy Anniversary, Michael. I love you. All the time always, and your dirty socks too. )

There you go.

All said and done I tend to believe this woman’s blog post couldn’t say what is great about marriage any better.

Congrats to all of you happily married.

You are part of the lucky ones in life.

love part 5: complexities, chemistry & calculas

September 4th, 2010


“If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he and I was I.”
- Unknown

I was tempted to leave this write up with just that quote and suggest there is no better answer.

But.

I figured I had already written so much, what the heck, share it all.

This is actually where I started (and this is part 5 in this series). When someone asked me to write about love it became so complex I started splitting out variables. But I ended up talking about romantic love where I actually started months ago. Chemistry and calculus and complexities.

Chemistry?

Yeah.

I was good at math. Even at physics. But ask me what was supposed to happen when you put one thing in with another in one of those funky beakers in chemistry class and I had no clue what to expect. All I know is if you actually put the right two in it is awesomeonium.

But.

Mr. Ely, my high school chemistry teacher, is probably the only one I know who could tell me what makes up that element.

Calculus?

Yup.

The mathematical variations of right or wrong, what works and what doesn’t work and what makes a great couple and what doesn’t is seemingly limitless. The whole eharmony and match.com and website breaking relationships down to logarithms and mathematical likelihood sounds awesome but they are nuts.

In the end it something that cannot be defined by some formula or “this is what works” rules.

(note: I was tempted to call his my multidimensional intergalactic time continuum overview of love but it made my head hurt)

Anyway.

Complex but simple.

Only two pieces of the puzzle. (simple)

Simply it is two pieces of puzzle that for some reason fit together.

Never the same for anyone. (complex)

Love to me … is something that varies from situation to situation and person to person.

It would be easy to suggest it is always “brings out the best in someone or both” (like Pooh suggests):

“Pooh, you are the best bear in the world.”

Pooh smiled and said, “No, I’m just the best bear when i am with you.”

And theoretically we would always like it to be that way (but unfortunately it doesn’t always).

And theoretically I would imagine everyone in some form or fashion aims for this:

“One day you will ask me what I love more, you or my life, and when I say my life you will walk away from me without knowing that you are my life.” Anonymous

But.

Let’s go back to putting those two pieces of the puzzle together. And how complex that is.

I am even willing to use me as an example.

Here are my calculus equation components.

Let’s begin with “the one.” Or ‘the ones.’

I do believe there is more than ‘the one’ out there for each of us.

That in a lifetime you may actually cross paths with several ones (this is where fickle timing can sometimes screw the pooch for ya). And, yes, if you want to call them ‘soul mates’ I do believe there are a number out there.

I think of this as peas in the pod. A number of peas could fit your pod (hopefully not all at the same time or I guess you would be a Mormon).

So. Several ones floating around as you stand there in your pod.

Oh. And your pod is not limitless. Not small. But not huge. And it resides in an entire gazillion acre galaxy sized pea farm.

So first in the equation are these random peas floating around that fit in your pod.

Next.

Types of romantic love.

I do believe you can fall in love with your best friend.

I do believe passion can spark love.

I do believe cerebral connection can spark love.

I do believe you can fall in love at first sight.

I do believe you can fall in love after a period of time.

I do believe there are a number of paths leading to a great relationship.

I do not believe there is just one way there.

Shit.

So I stand with my pod at crossroads where Robert Frost couldn’t write that frickin’ poem about the road not taken because there are so many of them you get dizzy turning and deciding which one to take.

Next.

I am a nomad type. Someone once called me a restless soul (thank god not a tortured soul).

And, yet, I do believe there is someone out there who will make me stop and be less restless. Or maybe better said … restless in other ways but comfortable grounded with a “one.” I have often called it independent dependence but … whatever.

The complexity of this aspect increases if you assume I am ‘nomading’ and constantly moving and someone out there is also not stagnant so lots of random pieces flying around (you get the point … but at least I have the damn pea pod to hold onto).

Yup.

That is what makes discussing or defining love difficult.

Love to me, like I imagine anything that truly matters, is not a concept you can define by a simple dictionary definition. I know many use the dictionary (or Wikipedia) to provide meaning to the complexities of human nature, but I find it difficult to put a set definition on something so unique. Love seems so vast.  A multitude of different factors pulled together and mangled into a tangible, yet fluctuating state. To each person the perception and evolution/creation of love is distinct.

If I were to be pushed into a definitive definition?

Love just is.

So while I am now on my 5th article on love the truth is when it comes to love nobody knows what they’re talking about.

Dr. Phil? Nope. Jerry Springer? Nope. Gene Simmons (Dr. Love)? Nope. Me included.

Oh.

And maybe the wackiest thing about love?

You can lose someone you love and yet there will be a part of you that’s going to be in love with them forever.

Whew.

So, you may actually NOT be with someone and still have some love left for them.

That is nuts.

Anyway.

While that is ‘loss’ there are also complexities with “keeping.”

I believe one of the hardest things of long term relationships is not really complacency or “being too comfortable” it is actually the fact you have forgotten that the person beside you knows you secrets, things you would never say to anyone else, the unforgettable goods & bads as well as the sometimes seemingly unforgiveable … and yet they are still there.

And yet still loving you despite it all.

(I told you this was complex)

Look.
It is impossible to assume knowledge of the feelings between two people (sorry eHarmony, match.com and whatever Russian bride services may read my site). Love is an emotion, emotions are specific to the person feeling them, and therefore you cannot begin to imagine how something makes another feel.
Oh.
And love doesn’t hurt (no matter what people try and tell you).

It is the things that entangle it that bring pain. Absolutely love involves vulnerability to pain, but I struggle to think of anything worthwhile that doesn’t have some risk of ‘hurt.’

So.

Let me begin the close of this post with a Bob Marley thought. I do not agree with the ‘only once in your life’ but other than that he does a pretty awesome job of what you get as a prize if you can figure out a way through the complexities to get to the prize:

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

— Bob Marley

In the end, I imagine while love is complex, it really just comes down to another somewhat odd thing. We rarely regret falling, choosing or being in love. We tend to only regret the chances we didn’t take and the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make.

Why do we have these regrets?

Because it so frickin’ complex you can never be sure …

So me? I say take the chance.

Nothing beats knowing that someone wants to be with you.

(note: and it’s even nicer to know that the one who wants to be with you is the one you want to be with too.)

Ok. Maybe it’s not just nice. It’s quite possible the most awesome thing in the world.

Being around someone who makes you feel like for once in your life you don’t have to try and be happy? And it just happens?

Whew.
Doesn’t get any better.

So get going. It is complex for sure.

But who knows what dimension you could end up on and it be the right dimension for your pod and another pea.

love part 4: sex and cerebral

August 23rd, 2010


“When passions and appetites are stronger than the intellect, men are savages; when the intellect governs the passions, when the passions are servants, men are civilized. The people need education – facts – philosophy.” Robert Ingersoll

So. This one was an easy one for me to write.

Cause I am a guy (and guys love sex) and I love smart people (intellectually curious people).

Anyway (no details provided on the above).

Balance.

All about balance.

But let me define. Because it isn’t a 50/50 balance I am talking about.

Varies couple to couple. And then there is balancing that balance.

Ok. Confused?  Well. Now I am too. Ok. Not so much.

Let me explain.

First.

Balance one.

Let’s simply say it cannot be 100 percent on either side.

Gotta have some passion. Gotta have some cerebral thing going on (you need something to talk about or some topic both are ‘smart about’ … fishing. NASCAR. Astrophysics. Whatever).

Yeah. Knowing everything there is about nascar is a version of intellect and smarts. Cerebral ain’t just about IQ (because I haven’t seen how IQ measures common sense smarts yet).

Anyway. Let’s say mathematically love has to have a minimum 15 percent of one or the other. I made that number up but 10 percent seemed to low and I have seen awesome love relationships exist long term with less than 1/5th of their relationship on one or the other. Suffice it to say some love thrives on cerebral. And some thrive on sexual. But that particular relationship love thrives on whatever that original unbalanced balanced percentage is.

That leads to balance two.

Second.

Balance two.

So. Let’s say 40 percent passion and 60 percent cerebral is your relationship love mix (no. that is not the formula for Funky Cold Medina).

That percentage is what steadies love for you guys.

Now. Some months it may be off kilter for whatever reason. Who knows. You have a sexathon and forget to think.  Or the two of you pick up a new hobby and you are having a perpetual thinkathon over it and forget to have sex.

All that really matters is you regain that original unbalanced balance within some defined length of time (say a year to put a stake in the ground). So. Whenever you finish ‘whateverthon’ you got sucked into you will remember that you need to actually talk or have sex and the balance starts tipping back.

Now here is an interesting thing.

Some guy has actually done some study on this entire issue (where the hell do you get funding for something like this) and has come up with an incredibly cool name for it.

The Michelangelo Phenomenon. (awesome)

Here is The Michelangelo Phenomenon concept (from Dr. Caryl Rusbult):

“close partners are interpersonal artists, sculpting one another’s strengths and weaknesses so as to bring out the best in each other”. Such affirmation promotes trust in the partner and strengthens commitment.  And commitment is a key predictor of relationship durability.”

Awesome. We even have a frickin’ predictor.
So it appears that the winning combination is for individuals to do their important ‘inside work’ while allying with their partners to nurture their growth into the people they dream of becoming.  The focus then is less about changing someone else and more about mutual, sustained interpersonal growth.

Whew.

Eharmony (those love specialists that they are) call it the “Cognitive Mode” and suggest it has 4 dimensions:  intellect, curiosity, humor, and artistic passion.

Then.

Some lady (Cristina Nehring) published her manifesto A Vindication of Love: Reclaiming Romance for the Twenty-First Century in which she explores the “murky waters of love and relationships in which we swim, although it may more often feel like treading water”.

(I had to include that because I would never think to write such poetic drivel).

Oh. And while some of her stuff may seem wacky or over complicating a relatively simple thought she actually leverages her semi-pretentious book from the proto-feminist manifesto A Vindication of the Rights of Woman from 1792 which in turn was influenced by Thomas Paine’s The Rights of Man (1791).
(so I give her lots of bonus points for accessing some smart shit)
Her book argues against the “pragmatic and pedestrian” and celebrates lovers who refused to be domesticated by their cultural norms and who had the creative passion to express their love through more than just the physical (in Bruce words that means more than sex and some cerebral aspect).
And while the book is a little pretentious in its attitude and discussion all it really does is point out that love relationships are best when they are viewed as multidimensional.

Avoiding much of the gobbledygook (spell check knows that word) it all gets summarized into this: “What if love has its own equivalents of length, width, height and time — the four dimensions we need to locate an object in space and time.”

taking that one step further (and avoiding the Star Trek multi dimensional discussion) she says that people who only love in two dimensions haven’t located all of love. They may feel like they have but there is more room to grow (that is where all the other wacky dimensions come in).

A reviewer of the book says: “Nehring sees in the grandeur of feeling a kind of heroism, even if the relationship doesn’t take conventional form or endure in the conventional way. For Nehring, one senses, true failure is to drift comfortably along in a dull relationship, to spend precious years of life in a marriage that is not exciting or satisfying, to live cautiously, responsibly. Is the strength of feeling redeemed in the blaze of passion even if it does not end happily? she asks. Is contentment too soft and modest a goal?”

Someone really smart (not me … I cannot remember whom) calls this whole thing “Romanticism” (which I personally like because romance & intellectualism are so intertwined that it … well  … makes sense).

So.

The idea of Romanticism validates passion, risk, and imagination leading to a willingness to be challenged intellectually and to engage in stimulating conversation.

Look. It is difficult to argue that an enjoyable meeting of minds can help to solidify any relationship. Intellectual attraction shows itself in personal interests, cherished values and preferred life purpose.

That means you may find a strong attraction to another person because they both share a similar purpose (studying snails, global literacy, religion, teaching art, etc.) or through a mutual interest. But. It also may be something like they love the same sports team, enjoy dancing, listening to music or playing a good game of horseshoes.

Whatever the common passionate cerebral link it is often the glue that will keep your relationship together.

Most importantly it can create a sense of shared values which often overrides other elements in the relationship process, reinforcing a partner’s significance and beliefs. This creates respect, trust, fulfillment … all of which bleed into sexual passion no matter what you think (or want to debate).

Now.

Being intellectually compatible does not have to mean a high level of college based education on both sides. It can relate to simple common sense, having different life/career experiences or being knowledgeable in a specific field. The main aspect of being intellectually appealing is to have reciprocal interactions which make both people interesting in some way to the other.

Clearly the best ways to be intellectually appealing is to read a lot, converse with someone whenever you can, keep up with news and have some opinions on them, develop hobbies, take an interest in something (that, my friends, is a pretty low bar for all of us … thank god I may add).

Anyway.

Here is the sometimes tricky part about the cerebral thing as you seek balance in the partnership.

“I fear you have expectations of me that I can never live up to.”

Yup. Comes up.

And you can invest a lot of energy trying to discuss “what expectations?”

Why?

Well.

Because it is cerebral. And intellectual. And intangible.

How do you describe that someone intellectually completes you and make you whole?

Part of the cerebral function (and maybe this is what that wacky lady who wrote the book was trying to say)  is the ability to understand how all the imperfections, integrity and insecurities, beauty and bafflements all seem to seamlessly mesh into one complex lovable package.

(proof once again that love is complex)

I also believe the cerebral part acts as a functional intellectual ability to see beyond some “god/goddess on a pedestal” but rather forms the ability to stand by in love as the other’s identity inevitably unfolds and changes.

Look.

Passion is not just about sex but partly about that chemistry or that ability to see someone across the room and “connect” as well as some … well … let me call it ‘creative pursuit.’

Ok. Let me explain.

Everyone is creative in some form or fashion.

Engineers are creative thinkers (if not typically linear creatively).

Artists tend to be creative (and less linear).

And then there is a lot of space in between these examples for evryone to reside in.

But creativity is captured in each person pursuing some passion and relationships thrive when each person supports the other’s passion.

Look. Each couple can figure out their ideal mix of passion and creativity and thinking and sex and cerebral.

Oh.

And I do believe passion can thrive in a content separation of creative pursuit (balancing cerebral and passion).

It is quite possible your best days may be having coffee together in the morning, one retreat to the computer and write and the other off to show homes to home buyers. Take breaks for conversation and look at each other’s creative pursuit (text image sharing has enhanced this exponentially) and, yes, I guess sometime some on the fly making love (sex).

I don’t think I am crazy to suggest that this passion (or creative pursuit or sharing of passion) bleeds into the sex passion venue.

It’s part of the balance and the intermingling.  In my way I guess I envision it as while going through your own creative endeavors you connect deeply at an emotional level which heightens the “physical selves”.

But. I didn’t write a wacky book about Michelangelo Phenomenon or one on love existing on 25 dimensions and crap like that.

Ok.

In the end?

All I know is that sex mixed with cerebral is awesome.

Next up?

Where I started several months ago when someone asked me to write about this. Complexities.

Or simply the things you just cannot explain. But I will try and explain.

love part 3: being in love with your best friend

August 17th, 2010


“with him, life was routine. without him, life was miserable.”

-          to kill a mockingbird (Scout about Dill)

Being in love with your best friend.

Whew.

This is a tough one. A great one. But a really tough one.

I guess some couples spark and blaze and then realize “shit, I just blazed with someone who could be my best friend” and off they go into the sunset.

Well. I don’t think that’s the way it works most times.

But “shit. I wanna blaze with my best friend” doesn’t seem to be heard that often either.

If you ever want to wrap your head around this falling in love with your best friend riddle make sure you have a good strong cocktail with you.

“Being too comfortable is bad for love.”

Or.

“Its so easy it cannot be love.”

Oh.

How about … “we have so much in common it’s too scary.”

Yeah.

Those would be the main over thinking aspects that come along with this type of love.

Anyway.

I guess the real point here is that sometimes loving your best friend can feel like such a perfect match, each one knows each other so well, understanding expectations so well, it can become scary.

And sometimes (in over thinking mode) you kinda go “shit. What’s left? Where do we go from here?” and you get scared that this is all it will ever be.

Yeah.

Nuts? Isn’t it?

So.

I guess I elected to begin this one with a childhood look at love. Possibly because Scout & Dill have the innocence to believe that romantic love can be found simply through friendship.

To Kill a Mockingbird is, of course, my favorite book and the relationship between Dill and Scout remains one of the great love stories.

(and a love story I scratch my head wondering why more people don’t use it to show the strength of women in relationships … oops … different post).

The book was written in the 50’s.

Scout is strong-minded, independent, incredibly smart young girl. Let’s just call her a handful.

Dill is solid and simple and strong and comfortable in his own skin.

As a pair they are comfortable with each other.

They are balanced in their own way and at their core is that easy friendship companionship of understanding the craziness of their differences and yet could be comfortable 24/7.

Okay.

I know I am talking about kids and not complicating it with sex and passion and stuff.

But. You get the point.

So let’s move specifically to adults (or how about people who are of age to be considered adults but love makes them act less intelligent than kids).

“People always talk about that moment when they fell for their best friend. There never was a moment for me and mine. I’ve always loved him.” Michelle Burns

Oh.

You wish it was this simple.

The true fact is this type of love takes no energy and incredible amounts of energy at exactly the same time.

Maybe because the people are already in love (friendship love = no work) and you have to find the energy to hop the ditch – (= lots of energy) – to get to the other side (romantic love = some work).

Oh.

And that ditch looks like a chasm. Like the frickin’ Grand Canyon from friendship love to romantic love.

Oh.

And that ditch is filled with something called “over thinking.”

Now.

If you can cross the chasm (and someone smarter than I will have to explain how) when I have seen this type of love work it is pretty amazing. I found this quote from Reality Bites and it is the closest to saying what I have seen:

“Sometimes new love comes between old friends; sometimes the best love was the one that was already there.” Reality Bites

As for the no energy but lots of energy thought?

Maybe it takes so much energy cause you have to dig down a little deeper (through a very very strong foundation) to find what is already there. And it takes a shitload of energy because you want to be really really careful as you dig through the foundation for fear you make irreparable damage to the existing foundation.

And it gets perplexing (hence the nth degree of over thinking that takes place) because love and friendship share many aspects in common that discerning the difference between the two isn’t just difficult but almost impossible.

Sure. Some people combine the two with a genuine love for their friends and a sincere friendship involved with their love relationship. And affection certainly is present in both styles of relationship. Friends often feel warm towards one another and share a hug, hand squeeze, or a friendly kiss on the cheek. Lovers progress further along the path than friends (yeah. sex.) but sex sometimes enters within a friendship (sometimes just as a trial … sometimes just as a drunken mistake – where over thinking then moves into a completely different stratosphere). So, yes, there are occasions where friendship may involve sex temporarily, as an experiment, or because that is an area you both enjoy and seek to share, without developing a love commitment. What a tangled web.

Anyway.

Add in admiration, respect and communication (typically caring conversations) which are also typically present whichever side of the line your relationship falls into.

I guess a key aspect in figuring this out is not a black & white thing (of course … it couldn’t be that simple).  Is there a sense of some inner warmth and personal companionship or is it just time shared with someone who cares about everyone they know?

The crux of the issue seems to be the crashing together of two seemingly different things.

Best friends is the long and steady road. Passion is about ‘highs.’

So I would argue passion is the tricky part.

Infusing becomes the high risk maneuver.

Oh.

Infusing it is often “different”. Not bad. Just different.

It’s most likely not that Latin American salsa dancer throw caution to the wind wild abandoned passionate type.

It’s more careful caring passion.

And I think it often runs the risk of being misunderstood as “shouldn’t there be more” or “maybe something is missing”. And there may be something missing. But comfortable is tough. It is so good it is overlooked.

This whole discussion and hesitation all seems odd.

Because it seems kinda the logical thing to do this whole idea of falling in love with your best friend. It’s a person you feel the most comfortable with, you can tell them anything, you enjoy their company, and you trust them.

So. If you’re attracted to them as well you would think falling in love with them is quite the obvious next step.

I also believe that many people (definitely including myself) wants their romantic partner to be their best friend and that the emphasis shouldn’t be put on the romantic side (but not excluding “a friend I can sleep with”).

And it also seems the way you get emotional and physical satisfaction from this person, and that’s just a great thing for everyone.

But.

Wacky things happen when you fall in love with your best friend.

When you fall in love with your best friend you never know what to expect (which seems even weirder in that thru friendship you have probably faced everything together already).

Yeah. But. It can be the start of something beautiful or the ending of a friendship (with a HUGE thud) if the feelings aren’t returned.

Oh. Let’s be clear.

Deciding whether or not to tell them that you have fallen in love with them is one of the hardest decisions that you will ever make.

No matter which choice you make you will wonder if you made the right one until you feel secure in the status in of that relationship.

Being prepared to fight for that friendship is usually a weird priority in handling falling in love with your best friend (weird in that it is a defensive maneuver when in reality all energy should be invested in the offensive ‘lets fall in love!’ aspect).

What I do know is falling in love is a different experience for everyone.

And I do know that friendships are valuable things that make people feel secure and loved.

And I do know that with these two things said that falling in love with your best friend is a scary endeavor.

And handling it can be even scarier.

It’s hard not to panic on occasion.

You have trusted them with all of your secrets and they have been your rock through the hardest times of your life. But you have never trusted them with your heart.

Now.

The good news is they typically know you warts and all. All your baggage and they still like you.

So.

If they go along and fall in love that knowledge doesn’t disappear. They know it. And have decided … “what the hell … I can handle it as well as I could in friendship”.

So. Not to imply anything or getting ahead … if you fall in love with a best friend and they reciprocate they have accepted (just as you have) “for better or for worse.”

THAT is the prize.

Ok. This one (falling in love with your best friend) I have experienced and I do think it can work and be awesome. Tough? Yes. Maybe only tough because of the transition and nothing more.

Anyway.

On to love part 4 which is discussing the balance between sex & cerebral. And, no, that doesn’t just mean being a good thinker about sex.

Enlightened Conflict