Enlightened Conflict

the ‘Secret’ ain’t really a secret

March 9th, 2013

Forewarning. If you like The Secret … and live by The Secret … it will be no secret at the end of this rant that I do not believe the secret is a secret at all. So read on at your own peril.

“To create the life of your dreams, the time has come for you to love You. Focus on Your joy. Do all the things that make You feel good. Love You, inside and out. Everything will change in your life, when you change the inside of you. Allow the Universe to give you every good thing you deserve, by being a magnet to them all. To be a magnet for every single thing you deserve, you must be a magnet of love.” ― Rhonda Byrne

“Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity successful men act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly, and you will be amazed at the positive results.” – William James

Oh boy.

I am going to discuss <rant about> The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

It really isn’t anything more than a reformulation of William James or even Norman Vincent Peale’s ‘The Power of Positive Thinking.’

Bottom line. The book to me? Tripe. Useless drivel.

Look.

If you want to do something good … well … go ahead and do it.

If you need a self-motivation “I am happy and love life” speech to yourself in the morning … then do it.

But.

Suggesting simply choosing happiness leads to success, well, that is flawed logic. And the whole “magnet for good”? … oh my. We could only all wish it were so easy.

Now.

While I can’t buy this tripe I do love the idea.

But.

C’mon. If it was really this easy wouldn’t we all have everything we truly wanted? <because that’s all we would think about … and I actually guess all of us have actually wanted to do only the things we want to do … and the things that would make us happy>.

Anyway.

The challenge with challenging a book like this is that it actually leverages from a simple Life premise … … that our thoughts <and ultimately – actions> are usually a reflection of our beliefs and attitudes. And if we want to change our reality then we have to change these beliefs and attitudes that shape our thoughts.

But it becomes easier to challenge when it actually suggests that there is a scientific premise <which is actually a made up premise> … that the ‘Universal Law of Attraction’ is a Law in which if you focus on something enough it is not only drawn to you but actually expands.

This made up law says ‘The Law of Attraction states that you will attract to yourself those experiences that match your beliefs: These beliefs then create your EXPERIENCE of reality. So focus on what you DO want, rather than on what you don’t want.’

Therefore <scientifically> you will not only get what you want … but you also get to live a Life only doing what makes you happy.

First. There is no Law of Attraction. Not even a postulate or a theorem. Just a made up law <maybe that is it’s secret?>.

Second. You do not always get what you want. Anything. Experiences included. But I can reverse the logic and guarantee all the things you actually do, and like to do, you actually wanted to do. Reality looked at backwards will always appear closer in the “I wanted to do” mirror. And as for ‘attraction’? What a bunch of bullhockey.

The Secret is a power of intention/power of positive thinking a get what you want formula <also like Tony Robbin>.

Here is the deal.

It will “work” for some based on mathematical probability alone <if enough people think “hard” enough to ‘attract’ whatever they are seeking to attract … a few will>.

And, of course, these few are the ones quoted in the book.

I wish it was actually that simple.

The Secret neglects to inform you, but suffice it to say, it is not “attraction” but rather this is more about discipline and focus and effort.

But.

If the happiness ‘secret’ keeps your eye on your own proverbial ball … then do it.

But to suggest it is a science let alone a law with proof <because you can de-isolate specific incidents and make the argument that they are exceptions to the rule> really does make the Secret untenable if not simply a criticism of our intelligence.

It is certainly sneaky. It uses smart quotes <albeit out of context> and the book takes advantage of the fact we all ask ourselves these questions <all of us do, or have done, at some point>. Things like:

Do you ever wonder how other people do it?

How do some people find the courage to follow their dreams?

What makes happy successful people different <or what is their commonality>?

Well. Sorry. The truth is there is nothing special about the majority of them.

The difference between a person who has an idea and a person who acts on that idea is one step … albeit a big step.

That step often comes down to knowing you are not alone and finding the courage within yourself. Dreaming big certainly encourages you to take that first step.

And to succeed, or find happiness, you do have to be willing to take at least some step. After that? Well. You gotta work hard. I <or anyone> can envision anything … but it ain’t just gonna be given to me.

Whenever I see a quote like “Every day when I wake up I realize I have a choice. I can be happy or unhappy. So what do I do? I’m not dumb. I choose to be happy” I kind of want to puke. Having a positive attitude, or making the best of the situation, is always good … but Life is meant to be a roller coaster ride <even if you hate roller coasters> and there will be highs & lows. You slug it out with the lows and enjoy the highs. No secret.

Now. I certainly do believe in committing to ‘show up’ in Life every day … but this quote? What a bunch of crap <or tripe>.

So.

I had drafted a brilliant <in my eyes> diatribe on how books like The Secret are worse for humanity than even the most misguided government but I found someone who did it for me <and even more smartly than I was going to do it>.

I apologize that I cannot provide the author because when I cut & pasted I neglected to capture that information but suffice it to say I need to credit someone other than me for these well crafted words:

I think a book like this, which makes some really big claims, should, roughly, do the following:

1) Present it’s premise clearly

2) Since it’s a self-help book explain clearly what you need to do

3) Provide compelling evidence that it’s ideas work

4) Be credible.

The book does a decent job of explaining its premise, which is that everything in your life is the result of the law of attraction.

I quote, “the law of attraction says like attracts like, so when you think a thought, you are also attracting like thoughts to you.” In other words, think good thoughts and good things will come to you and if you think bad thoughts then bad things come to you.

I’ve simplified this a bit but not a whole lot as the concept isn’t rocket science.

Now, does this book explain clearly what you need to do? Actually, for a self-help book it does a very poor job of this. How do you control your thoughts? What kinds of practices and thinking produce the best results? The author and contributors basically tell you a bunch of stories about how “so and so did something and you can too by changing your thinking”.

And that’s it for the “how to” part of the book. There isn’t any.

Now, if I wanted to prove something worked from a scientific perspective it would seem to be easy to test this stuff out. You take two groups of people, teach one the secret, let the other go on with their lives and see what happens. In theory those that know the Secret would be happier and more successful than the control group. It might not be perfect but it’d be a whole lot better than what we get in this book. But, of course, you’d have to have an actual methodology to test.

Instead the authors cite numerous anecdotes of how the Secret worked. One person’s cancer went away. Another individual walks after a brutal accident. Still another finds romance. That’s all fine and perhaps it’s evidence but it’s not proof. How many people who were injured like the “Miracle Man” never walked again despite the best attitude and trying the approach perfectly?

The problem with anecdotes is that it’s easy to start with a result, work backward and assume the conclusion.

It’s also very easy with anecdotes to only present the ones that make your case and ignore those that don’t (when someone dies of cancer while practicing the secret for instance). It’s just not good enough to use anecdotes for large claims like those made in this book.

The following quote struck a nerve.

“People hold that for awhile, and they’re really a champion at it. They say, `I’m fired up, I saw this program and I’m going to change my life.’ And yet the results aren’t showing. Beneath the surface it’s just about ready to break through but the person will look just at the surface results and say, `This stuff doesn’t work.’ And you know what? The universe says, “your wish is my command.”

I thought it was interesting that the universe instantly manifest failure but isn’t quite so fast with success. In fact, a cynical individual might conclude that what they are really saying is, “when this program works it’s because the secret always works, but, on the off chance it doesn’t work, well, that’s your fault.” An even more cynical person might think, “gosh, I wonder what would help a person who failed? Maybe, a seminar with Bob Proctor would be just the thing to get them over the top?”

Lastly, is the Secret credible? On the one hand, I think a lot can be said for the idea that if you change your thinking you’d change your life.

In many ways that seems obvious to me.

On the other hand, if the secret actually was true, especially at the scope claimed by the book it would mean that everything that’s happened is the result of your thinking. So, when a child dies of pneumonia, well, it’s because they brought pneumonia into their lives. Michael J. Fox, not only did you bring Parkinson’s into your life but change your thinking and it will go away. Obviously these things aren’t true and they obliterate, in my opinion, any credibility in the book.

Not only does the book go too far but most (I’d argue nearly all) of the contributors aren’t credible. On a topic of this scope: the ability to 100% change your life and the world in an incredible fashion, does anyone really think you couldn’t find psychologists, top flight scientists, therapists and thousands of mainstream individuals to support it, if it worked? Wouldn’t there be tons of research instead of anecdotes? Instead we get a Feng Shui Master, a chiropractor, motivational speakers (err trainers), a metaphysicist, etc. combined with a half dozen anecdotal stories. So the most powerful like changing idea ever and you get it from the crew in this book presented in this fashion? I don’t think so!

If this idea really worked, at anything other than giving material to self-help speakers and generating repeat students, it just wouldn’t be found here. The book wouldn’t even have to be written because we’d all already know it and be practicing it. Remember, this is not a new idea, it’s been around for a very long time, and it’s been the topic of literally thousands of seminars and hundreds of books.

Catchy review title? Thought so. Robert Cialdini, renowned psychology researcher and author of Influence: The Power of Persuasion (perhaps the best book ever written on the subject) identifies six basic rules employed by politicians, advertisers and scam artists alike to persuade others. Each of them are employed quite adeptly by Rhonda Byrne in this book.

Cialdini’s first principle is SCARCITY; people want what’s expensive, exclusive, or otherwise attainable. Byrne’s mastery of this principle is clearly shown by the very name of the book: The Secret. We all learned this the first week of kindergarten as we felt the jealousy of watching two classmates, hands cupped over ears, sharing a secret out of earshot.

This message is reinforced throughout the book and its advertising campaign which pitches “The Secret” (whatever it actually is) as jealousy-guarded information hoarded by the happy, wealthy and successful. Whenever someone tries convincing you of something, whether it’s a way to make enormous sums of money, to lose weight, etc – be wary of when it’s pitched as “the knowledge THEY don’t want you to have.” Think about it – everything from the “secrets that Wall Street doesn’t want you to know” to “uncovered – celebrities’ secrets to staying young” are phrased not simply to pique your interest but to make you jealous. Appeals to our emotion are far more powerful than appeals to reason, and Byrne demonstrates mastery of this principle throughout “The Secret.”

Cialdini’s second principle is LIKING. We like those who like us, and in turn, we do business with them. Positive thinking and emotional intelligence has been linked to strong interpersonal relationships, academic and professional success, and good health, but there is a fine line when positive thinking crosses over to unjustified exuberance. Instead of simply noting the substantial benefits of positive thinking (a well-accepted principle which wouldn’t sell books), Byrne crosses the line so blatantly that anyone with a modicum of modesty would find it blasphemous.

AUTHORITY is another Cialdini principle, also in play in “The Secret” in quite subtle ways. Another technique which differentiates this book from just another book of positive thinking is the heavy use of quasiscientific language, which gives the impression that the “law of attraction” is (or will become) an accepted scientific principle, just like the law of gravity or the law of attraction of oppositely-charged particles in chemistry. Many people are both intimidated and confused by the authority of science, a fact exploited by manipulators ranging from Byrne to peddlers of magic weight-loss pills.

Since no respected physicist would ever publish a paper on the universality of the “law of attraction,” Byrne indirectly seeks experts in other ways. She attributes the success of people ranging from Einstein to Beethoven to adherence of “The Secret,” thereby manufacturing experts. After all, if Einstein and Shakespeare mastered “The Secret,” who are YOU to question it?

The last two Cialdini principles are CONSISTENCY and SOCIAL PROOF. The success of this book should leave little doubt it will be followed by more (and more expensive) forms of media peddling “The Secret.” The audio recordings, weekend seminars, advertising tie-ins, and other follow-up products certain to follow will exploit these two principles. Once people commit themselves to believing happiness will come from “The Secret,” they will attribute future successes, whether a promotion or a great new relationship, to adherence to it. Conversely, setbacks will be even more powerfully in committing people to “The Secret,” as people will attribute their failures to not living up to “The Secret” (and buying more of Byrne’s books). Consistency dictates it will be less painful to buy more books and immerse one’s self further into “The Secret” than to accept the whole premise is a quite ridiculous; while not as pernicious as a domineering cult, “The Secret” promises to charge you handsomely for a positive outlook on life.

Byrne’s book is problematic on many levels.

On its face, it’s a manipulative marketing tool meant to flatter, confuse and deceive. It’s also pseudoscience at its best, the last thing we need to encourage in an increasingly technological world which requires healthy skepticism and critical thought. Most damaging, though, is how the book perverts reality by encouraging people to equate a positive outlook on life with a childish, idiotic narcissism. Ayn Rand must be rolling in her grave hearing about the modern manifestation of her objectivist movement reduced to the intellectual equivalent of canned pork.

In conclusion, I’m not opposed to the idea on a small scale but this book just goes way too far and I’m left with the feeling that all that’s really going on is a bunch of people trying to get their name out and get you to pay for their seminars.

——–

So.

All that said.

Here is my point.

Do what you need to do to keep moving forward in life.

Have dreams.

Seek to be happy.

Seek success.

However you may define all the things I just listed.

They are all good aspects of “Life survival.” And are all good objectives.

And if this book helps you to focus on these things, well, then use it.

But.

The book is not a formula nor is it the bible/Koran guide to Life success or Life happiness.

It is simply a useful tool for some people.

Nor does simply envisioning success, or happiness, guarantee success or happiness. Someone in discussing this book suggested I was debating chicken or egg first. Nope. I break the egg by noting everyone who gains happiness <or 99.9%> will absolutely say they envisioned the happiness … but I can almost guarantee everyone who has not achieved happiness <or 99.9% of them> will absolutely say they have envisioned happiness. Someone doesn’t envision any better than someone else. Sometimes you may have more drive or you may work harder or you may even simply have more talent … or maybe the happiness is tied to something to unrealistic. I do not care which you choose. This logic kills the chicken and the egg.

Books like this drive me a little crazy in that they suggest they are ‘the key’ … because if Life were that simple well … Life would be simple.

I have a secret for you.

Life ain’t that simple.

Anyway. Because the book uses a lot of quotes I will end on a quote of my own from Arthur Rubenstein:

” Most people , in my opinion, have an unrealistic approach toward happiness because they invariably use the fatal conjunction “if” as a condition. You hear them say: ‘I would be happy if I were rich’, or … ‘if this girl loved me’ … or ‘if I had talent’ … or their most popular … ‘if I had good health.’ They often attain their goal, but they discover new ‘ifs.’As for myself, I love Life for better or for worse, unconditionally.”

Good pianist.

Smart man.

Great advice <no secret>.

Love Life unconditionally … and you will be happy.

цветы необычайной красоты & mashkawizii

November 30th, 2012

The two words … one Russian and one Ojibwe <Chippewa> mean …

цветы необычайной красоты

translation: “flowers of unusual beauty”

<note: these words are pulled from a random piece of Russian poetry … or maybe a very old song … I am not sure which … in which the full line is “and in the neutral zone … flowers of unusual beauty …” … it is a metaphorical reference to the beauty of fragile freedom that lies within the space between old West Germany and East Germany>

Mashkawizii

translation: “strong … inner strength”

I selected these two to talk about character.

And to spend a minute on what lies within each of us … and the secret to Life.

Why?

Well. I had to pick up a copy of The Secret in order to have a quasi intelligent conversation with a friend of mine .

Suffice it to say I believe, despite what the books says, there is no one secret to Life <in fact … I wrote something a while back on this … http://brucemctague.com/no-secret-to-life>.

The secret actually is finding the key that unlocks your own inner strength, or inner character or inner passion … or <to keep with the thought> … the key that opens the door to your own flowers of unusual beauty.

Yup. The secret is finding the flowers of unusual beauty that lie within your own walls and give them freedom to prosper in the light of day.

The secret is finding your ‘mashkawizii’ … the strength that lies within you.

And this is a very personal individualist thing.

It is not a formula and most likely not replicable <therefore I cannot write a book telling anyone what the ‘one thing’ is>.

Which makes this topic tough.

Because Life can be really really tough on us.

Relentless in fact.

But inside everyone … and, yes, I mean everyone … there is a flower of unusual beauty and strength.

No book will tell you the secret to unlocking it.

I kind of even doubt a person can tell you the secret to unlocking it.

Only one person has the key … yup … yourself.

Now.

I am not suggesting this is easy … nor do I believe you always get it right the first time. Because sometimes it gets pretty dark inside as doubts & insecurities cluster around like shadows following closely on your footsteps as you look in the corners for what you seek. In addition it is kind of like a Rubiks cube of shifting thoughts and ideas inside you as you experience things. All of it makes this difficult … but I imagine secrets to life wouldn’t be easy if they were actually worthwhile to figure out.

Oh. And sometimes you find people who just don’t believe they have this inner strength or flower of beauty.

I feel very very safe in giving this one piece of advice … if you run into one of these people … stop … and tell them they are wrong. 100% wrong.

It is there.

They just haven’t recognized it yet.

But. Everyone has it.

Everyone.

No matter how hard Life has been … and hardened the walls of doubts, despair and disappointments … within your walls there remains … well … цветы необычайной красоты … a flower of unusual beauty.

Mashkawizii or цветы необычайной красоты … it is within you and worth finding.

I call it character <probably because I am neither Ojibwe nor Russian>.

Now.

While The Secret suggests happiness <or ‘attitude’> is the key to life & success … well … I cannot guarantee that for you if you focus on my thought.

Nope. Sorry.

What I can guarantee is that your happy’s will be really good and meaningful because they are a reflection of what is within. Your happy moments will always be full & have depth.

Oh.

And I think I can guarantee <this is not a price back guarantee though> that your un-happy’s will be liveable. They won’t kill you. Maybe better said … you will have the mashkawizii to be strong and hold on <without losing yourself in the process> until Life decides to move along to the next phase. Like I suggested on happy moments <full> … in the darkest unhappy moments you will never completely empty.

But that is just what I think.

And please do not tell me a book can give you the secret to Life.

<update here because someone reminded me I was a little harsh on The Secret>.

Now. While I just said I do not want anyone telling me a book can give you “the secret” to Life … I will add <and I am very consistent on this> … I do not believe people should foolishly and blindly pursue ‘get rich fast’ tricks to Life but I also believe that people need to do what they need to do to get through Life.

So … if The Secret gets you closer to where you want to go … use it.

Heck. Use any book that helps you. Be smart about it … but do what you gotta do to get your head straight.

dream big … because …

November 16th, 2012

I have said this before … it seems like today’s world is tough on dreamers.

It is hard to be a dreamer and it seems to be easier and easier to blindly move down a beaten path <getting beaten up by Life>.

We need to remind ourselves on occasion that it is okay to dream … and dream big.

And that relentlessly pursuing a dream can be inspiring … not discouraging.

Now. Being a big dreamer doesn’t mean that you walk around with your head in the clouds. It means that you have a purpose … a big purpose that makes your life bigger and fulfills some promise within you.

Of course … as usual … the key is to find a balance. Think ground and clouds. Pragmatic with no limits. A contradiction? Sure. But big dreams are a contradiction. As a practical relatively pragmatic human race we would never have them … unless some of them defied the odds and actually came true. Some really do happen.

Which reminds me <to remind everyone> that big dreams are things … not intangibles. They are not ‘becoming rich’ or ‘being a star’ … they are achieving greatness with an idea or a thought. Anyway. And while there should be a balance … there should be some big dream in all of us for a lot of reasons:

- Sense of Self.

Big dreams have a nice habit of increasing the size of your sense of self. You have to be careful it doesn’t become bigger than yourself and consume you … but big dreams remind you that you can make a big impact in some form or fashion. Maybe not today … but a hope of sometime. Big dreams can not only create some interesting self-purpose in life but it also reminds you that anyone, even you, is capable of the extraordinary. Even if it is just in thought.

Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose & imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary. - Sir Cecil Beaton

Maybe that is the biggest part of this ‘sense of self’ thought … it is likely the biggest reason why you wouldn’t want to settle on small dreams … does anyone really want to be a slave of the ordinary?

- Possibilities.

When you dream big things you will find new roads you may want to explore along the way. It is an adventure and sometimes extremely unpredictable and never ordinary. This is because big dreams can push limits of possibility <or what is possible> because it keeps the impossible in life in sight <if you can actually see something like impossible>. It all happens because big dreams are … well … not quantifiable. If they can be <in your head> I would suggest it is not really a dream but an objective or goal. A dream has to be so big it is just an idea … something difficult to put a number on it or a specific GPS coordinate. it is always somewhere on the horizon. And in reaching toward it the possibilities of new roads not taken <and never envisioned nor on any map as a matter of fact> increase significantly.

- Achieving stuff.

Yeah. You may not actually get the big one <the big dream> … but typically if you dream big, you increase the odds you actually achieve something … and it also increases the odds you actually achieve something relatively great in the scheme of things. You may even end up achieving more than you ever thought you could <even if it isn’t the big dream you began with>.

Big dreams are the reasons why the world changes … and becomes better. And I say ‘world’ as in if you define it in business … or in life.

It’s the reason why there have been so many inventions, new ‘out of the box’ ideas, creations or whatevers. As a business guy I love this following quote for the business big dreamers:

“New business concepts are always, always the product of lucky foresight. That’s right – the essential insight doesn’t come out of any dirigiste planning process; it comes form some cocktail of happenstance, desire, curiosity, ambition and need. But at the end of the day, there has to be a degree of foresight — a sense of where new riches lie. So radical innovation is always one part fortuity and one part clearheaded vision.”― Gary Hamel, Leading the Revolution

New concepts inevitably come from one part clearheaded big dreaming.

Same with new ideas. Same with anything really new … and really big. Oh. And along the way a lot of good little stuff happens too.

- Your legacy <and big dreams>

Big dreams give you the opportunity to truly leave your mark on the world in several ways.

You achieve it.

You don’t achieve it <but achieve other shit along the way>.

You don’t achieve it <and it is left for someone else to achieve>.

The first.

The achieving one is obvious. It is satisfying and certainly something at the end of the road you will probably look back on with some satisfaction. I will mention though that most big dreamers update their dreams if they actually attain the original.

You never really actually stop dreaming big <but do not tell anyone that>.

The second.

You don’t achieve it but along the road you have veered off on a variety of paths you encountered and did some good shit along the way. Your legacy is strewn with stuff you have left behind. I call this a ‘no regret’ life. You don’t really regret the missed ‘big dream’ cause you lived life doing stuff.

The third.

Oh. And not achieving the big dream … whew … what does happen to big dreams when a dreamer dies?

Here is the good news.

A big dream never really dies. Only dreamers do. Someone else grabs it as their own. I think most big dreamers recognize his and are okay with it. Big dreams aren’t really meant to be owned by anyone in particular except Life. They can be achieved by someone <if they are lucky enough to figure out how to do it> but big dreams are visionary.

Some big dreams cannot be fulfilled within a single lifetime. But they are so inspiring that future generations <or someone in that generation> will strive to achieve it.

And last.

Inspiring that future?

Well. Maybe, that in itself is why people should dream big.

present or imagined

October 31st, 2012

“Present fears are less than horrible imaginings.” – Macbeth after seeing the witches

So.

I figured I would use witches on Halloween to share a Life thought.

Shakespeare was a pretty insightful guy <as well as a darn good writer>. He had a nasty habit of capturing some every day, every common person thinking in his classic work which made it thoughtfully entertaining.

A truth – we people do have a habit of fearing ‘what could be’ a lot.

Macbeth is interesting because it is sort of about ‘overcoming’ imagined fear.

The fear of ‘what if.’

Macbeth tries to convince himself the witches have foretold a ‘truth’ and therefore the prophecies <the imagined> they shared with him can’t be all that bad <because they are simply ‘what will be’ and not imagined.

Now.

This doesn’t come easy to Macbeth <as it wouldn’t be easy for you or I or anyone for that matter to take advice from a witch> because he invests a shitload of energy wondering … if the witches’ prophecies are good, then why does the horrid image doth unfix my hair … and make my seated heart knock at my ribs.

He is scared <as anyone one of us would be if three witches appeared in front of us let alone even talked to us>.

In his scared-shitness he says to himself … “present fears are less than horrible imaginings.”

He means that the fear that you feel in the face of actual danger cannot be nearly as bad as the fear of imagined danger. Basically he is talking himself into not being scared shitless and doing whatever he needs to do to be king <the point here isn’t that you probably won’t be a king/queen if you overcome your imagined fears – I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up – but that you are more likely to attain ‘the next stop on your ambition Metro line’ if you can overcome fear and move on>.

He makes himself believe that tomorrow’s actions cannot possibly be as frightening as he now feels it is.

It is a good lesson for us even if you don’t have any witches around to prompt you to doing what you should be doing.

Oh.

Shakespeare also makes a point that having some fear is actually good for us <whoa … now THERE is a thought>.

Before Macbeth goes to visit the witches Hecate orders them to create illusions that will make Macbeth “spurn fate, scorn death, and bear his hopes ‘bove wisdom, grace and fear”.

Well, well, well.

Shakespeare suggests that fear is your friend. Even better? He suggests that the opposite is dangerous … “security is mortals’ chiefest enemy.”

When the witches present the apparitions to Macbeth, it is their intention to convince him that he has nothing to fear <actually … to convince him to put hope above fear if I want to be true to the words in the play>.

And, actually, I like that thought better.

How do you overcome horrible imaginings? Focus on the hope for something better.

Good life lesson.

It is also in MacBeth that the witches share the conundrum of Life to Macbeth:

First Witch: Lesser than Macbeth, and greater.

Second Witch: Not so happy, yet much happier.

Third Witch: Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.

Shakespeare throws in a nifty common everyday life ‘horrible imagining’ here … the reality that Life is a contradiction <therefore nothing is simple>.

The ability to be lesser and yet greater.

To be not so happy and yet be happier.

To be a king and, yet, not.

Geez. What could be worse than the non-absolute?

Of course … what could be better than the non-absolute?

Fear keeps us sharp … as long as it doesn’t freeze us into inaction.

My only advice?

Don’t wait for some witches to stop by and tell you this.

Although. On Halloween night I guess anything is possible.

In closing …

MACBETH <closing the scene>: Till then, enough. Come, friends.

Exeunt.

Happy Halloween.

poor self esteem is an equal opportunity employer

October 29th, 2012

According to recent Dove Global research, only 11% of girls worldwide are comfortable using the word “beautiful” to describe themselves. In fact, when girls feel bad about their looks, more than 70% (age 15-17) avoid normal daily activities, such as attending school, going to the doctor, or even giving their opinion.

So.

While poor self esteem may be an equal opportunity employer it seems like it is making a concerted effort to recruit the female population … and begin the recruiting at a fairly young age. Let’s say about 13 is what poor self-esteem has identified as the key recruiting age.

We have all heard of the terms self-concept, self-image or self-esteem.

Simplistically.

Self-esteem is a measure of how you feel about yourself. Good self-esteem is when you have a favorable opinion or judgment about yourself and, ultimately, liking and respecting yourself.

Now. While self-esteem is important to everyone I tend to believe it is especially important to pay attention to <we adults> because Life can be a little harsh toward young girls and, eventually, women <by the way … contrary to popular belief, research has shown that there are no significant differences in the way boys and girls feel about themselves during those periods of development>.

And the truth is (and I do have research … but this just seems like common sense) that the longer you feel unappreciated and taken advantage of, the worse you will feel about yourself <especially when you aren’t in a relationship where someone appreciates you> but, in general, the worse you will feel about yourself when you are alone … that alone time where your thoughts gnaw at you.

I admit I get a little pissed off when I view low self esteem in young girls, and those young girls who have turned into women, because it is needless. Not that we can solve all self-esteem issues but we can certainly take significant steps at key moments in a young girl’s life to manage it … if not even completely head off self esteem issues.

All that said let me highlight what one company is doing to address this.

Dove and the Dove girl’s self-esteem campaign.

And it is brilliant not because it will sell one bar of Dove soap <it may … but I will leave all that analysis to the brand building experts> but rather because it is a great example of the right brand offering the right message with the right objective. And doing what is … well … right.

Let me begin with the video that kicked off this Dove self esteem fun initiative. It is called “onslaught:”

Dove Onslaught: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJN-3yTr3KU

Okay. After watching that video do we doubt this factoid?:

“72% of all girls say they feel pressure to be beautiful.”

<note: everyone should read the guest post my friend Jen wrote called ‘all dolled up’ which also points ot the messaging in women’s magazine which I also believe feeds into this issue> http://brucemctague.com/all-dollop-ed-up-with-no-place-to-go-2’>

Now.

Dove. A bunch of people will probably write about how this is a smart marketing idea (consistent with brand, establishes the product positively with a young audience, bla, bla, bla) so I will write about how this is just a good human idea.

Self esteem in youth is tricky in general. Young girls? Exponentially trickier. If you can solve it (or at least manage it) the benefits carry over into a healthier adulthood. And that is why I love this campaign as a human idea.

And let me say that the web video is something they should be proud of. I cannot imagine the political maze and how many meetings they must have had with corporate communications (remember…Dove is a Unilever brand) discussing risk and crisis management and media relations and all the crap everyone worries about when you actually take a stand on something. The video takes the issue head on.

I also like that it does a couple things:

- Mainly it opens the discussion

- They make the discussion about perfection within the imperfections

- and it also takes on society pressure head on <and Dove is part of a health & beauty company for gods sake>. The campaign aims to boost self-esteem by reshaping the definitions of beauty forced on viewers by the beauty industry.

Now.

I am not suggesting appearance is the only self-esteem issue that should be discussed but feeling comfortable in your own skin is especially important to young girls. Research shows that it is around the age 13 when self-esteem and appearance reaches a critical point. Let us call it a defining moment in their lives.

Bottom line is that it is wrong to tell CHILDREN (not just girls) that “this person is attractive, therefore, this person is better than you and you will never be attractive as long as you don’t look like this person.”

Look.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make yourself pretty as long as you’re not going to extreme lengths like most of the beauty industry promotes.

Being comfortable with your appearance, and not feeling odd or even simply ‘unusual’ is important because having a good self-esteem is needed in youth both today and tomorrow.

I tend to believe we all see young girls struggle with confidence and perception issues as they move into this tween period. It is a tough time in many ways. The crossover from being just a girl to a maturing young tween.

Yes, I know adult women have these issues too, but I would argue the root of the issues resides somewhere in their past. I think the series of videos Dove produced do a great job of gaining attention and making adult women aware of the program … and hopefully remind them they can do something to insure it doesn’t happen to tomorrow’s future female generation.

Dove Self Esteem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIe0FSvnycY

Every girl, yes, every girl <traditionally pretty or nontraditionally pretty> will go through a phase where self-image and self-esteem are questioned and molded. During this self-examination phase it is important to establish a healthy sense of self-worth and maintain well-being. Unfortunately I believe we need to proactively cultivate and engage the activities and relationships that will build up rather than tear down. Yes. We need to ‘proactively’ take steps. Because, left alone, society will kill self esteem with a death of a thousand cuts.

We need to proactively remind all young girls that they have strengths and weakness, and it’s important to begin focusing on the positive attributes and start building from there. And even if it is difficult to see these strengths (and it becomes easy to suggest to yourself … well … that isn’t really a strength … someone is a lot better at it then I am … but that’s not the point) we need to remind, and teach, young girls to grab onto their own strengths and hold onto them. And that is a responsibility we adults need to assume <because society will not>. Silence just will not hack it in this case. If you let that ever-hyperactive tween mind wrestle with the doubts and societal cuts it is a self-esteem accident waiting to happen.

One Tree Hill Brooke

Anyway.

This topic also reminded me of a One Tree Hill episode in which each of the students as a class assignment had to define themselves. One of the characters, Brooke, who is smart, beautiful, popular who only defines herself through the negative … through her ‘self seen’ flaws … finally, with the help of a friend/classmate, sees herself in a different, more positive/stronger, way.

I am not recommending everyone watch One Tree Hill <although this one episode is a defining episode> but it points out that self awareness leads to addressing self esteem issues <and, in her case, leads to a happy ending>.

“What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”

“The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.” – Maslow

Now.

Does this end up being an example of maybe ‘are we teaching them they are better than someone else’? Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no. sometimes they are actually better and sometimes not. But it doesn’t matter. We are teaching them they are what they are good at and it is okay to understand that being good at something doesn’t mean you are the “best’ but rather you are good at something. We end up teaching them to work with whatever their strengths and natural abilities are.

————

Research factoid:

- Researchers at the University of Basel in Switzerland made this finding after analyzing U.S. survey data of more than 7,000 young adults from 1994 to 2008. The participants ranged in age from 14 to 30 years. Over the course of 14 years, the study authors examined how five personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism) affected the youth’s self-esteem. In addition, the researchers also looked at the participants’ sense of life mastery, risk-taking tendencies, gender, ethnicity, health and income. “We tested for factors that we thought would have an impact on how self-esteem develops … understanding the trajectory of self-esteem is important to pinpointing and timing interventions that could improve people’s self-esteem.”

The researchers found that conscientiousness, emotional stability, a feeling of mastery and being extraverted are key to predicting the direction a person’s self-esteem will take as they grow up, and that income did not affect this course.

—————

Why do I believe we really need to get our shit together in helping tweens <say 11 til 14 in particular> in dealing with self esteem?

Well. Several things make you the person you are today. Confidence and self esteem and emotional intelligence. And you aren’t given these things when you are born. You accumulate them and they grow into what you “have” as time goes on.

Our self-image is an accumulation of years. From childhood on on we collect ideas of how smart we are or how non-smart, whether we are confident or have specific fears, we decide how we look in comparison to our peers and the list goes on and on. Oh. And then society steps up to the plate. And they pile on to everything you have stored in your head.

(insert you are not good enough image)

Basically our entire self-image has been made up from all our experiences throughout our childhood. We carry these beliefs, whether they have any truth to them or not, into the post-tween years and into adullthood. And at the core of whether we are happy or sad people, successful or unsuccessful, is our self esteem and self image. It is true we are what we believe we should be.

People with low self-esteem have a very distorted image of themselves. In a book called ‘Self-Esteem’ <McKay and Fanning> they use the analogy of a circus mirror where all our assets are minimized or twisted, and all our defects are magnified.

Youth or childhood certainly plays an integral role. This is what makes up the differences of people in society, for some their self-image has been molded and shaped in a very positive way. Yet for others it can be drastically damaged through destructive criticism received throughout their childhood.

All adults play a big role in the person’s development. Yes. All adults.

Okay. The role of appearance in the self esteem issue?

I actually think of all this as ‘abusive verbal experiences <’you look different’>’ which join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem. This kind of subtle abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless … or certainly that they are not even close to being the best.

And I bring up verbal abuse because many women believe that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman has put it, “words scarred my soul.”

And women whose abuse started as children have the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.

Poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with low self esteem don’t go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don’t think they’re worth the time.

Relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don’t deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve.

Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter. The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.

And it bleeds into the workplace where women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up.

Well. that was depressing to write.

And even more depressing? We can do something about it … but we don’t seem to do anything.

I say all this to say the obvious … building self esteem at a young age is important because people with high self-esteem tend to do well and achieve success in their life because they feel confident about themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and socially.

It is a truth, a fact as it were, that no one goes through life unscathed. Poor self esteem is an equal opportunity employer.

Okay. We can do something about this.

I am going to focus on adults here. I will being with something someone wrote:

Life is a hard situation but one sure way a parent can help a young girl is to help the teen build their confidence and self worth. A teen with high self confidence and self-esteem are not simply manipulated into making the incorrect decisions because they don’t feel the pressure of the crowd.

Parents should be in a position to teach their youths that folks come in all shapes and sizes that way they will be ready to be more accepting of their physical features and would also be non-judgmental of others. Inspire them to get into activities where the field is equal. Good social skills, and confidence in self, helps a teen deal with differing types of scenarios and people. And guiding them to utilize their strengths helps because excelling in anything can enhance a young person’s confidence and self esteem.

Parents cannot be there all of the time but they must be ready to lend a hand when their kids need a hand to hold on to. For sure there’ll be screw ups along the way but a little failure is always a good sign. Most importantly, you must teach resilience to your kids.

Parents are not designed to shield their youngsters from discomfort and discomfort but rather for them to make certain they can go through pain and pain and then come out fine. Ensure that it is clear that you will never abandon them no matter what. Respect their autonomy by giving them the vote of confidence that they can handle any situation

Good thoughts.

And you don’t need to be some radical cheerleader.

It is a research driven truth that quiet expressed belief in a child has more impact than being a loud cheerleader.

That quiet belief leads to quiet <inner> strength.

Which is important because in life it’s difficult to stay tough specially when things and people around you keep pulling you down.

We should also be teaching young girls that they have their own identity. They do not get defined by us <adults> … i.e., if your parent is a failure in some way, it doesn’t mean you have to be a failure too.

And we should teach them they can learn from other people’s experience so they can avoid the same mistakes because you are … well … you … and not them.

I do not believe some people are born leaders or positive thinkers. I do believe being positive, and staying positive, and leading … is a choice.

Building self esteem and drawing lines for self improvement is a choice, not a rule or a talent.

Because, once again, in life it is hard to stay tough specially when things and society and people around you keep tearing at you.

We need to teach them that Life isn’t always easy. You are going to get hit, and even bruised, by life. You have to be resilient. But resiliency implies you have a good foundation to protect. That foundation is the right attitude, the right behavior and the right way of thinking.

If we start to teach our young people that if they become responsible for who they are, what they have and what they do … it effectively spreads out into the rest of their life – the today and the tomorrow life.

These are smart girls.

One day they will be smart women.

This young tween age a defining moment. A reflection moment some day in the future. A point on which they will reflect upon their actions and life.

If they are ashamed? It will gnaw at them.

And that is why I applaud Dove for taking this step. Their actions today try and build the women of tomorrow.

negative people

September 5th, 2012

A friend of mine recently reposted a thought thru twitter … “Watch out for your brain drain from negative nellys….” as a reference to a recent article in Inc. and it reminded me I had a thought on negativity in my draft folder which I had never posted.

Ah.

Negative Nellys.

Now. I had to start with ‘someone else reposted’ to insure no one had thought I had completely gone off the deep end and would have ever used that phrase <the nelly thing> on my own.

Regardless. Negativity is bad <Nelly or not>. And it is destructively bad.

And to be clear … I am not discussing cynics versus optimists <although I would imagine it may be a derivative conversation>. Because I believe the world needs a good mix of cynics and optimists. But a cynic need not be negative in attitude nor behavior.

Anyway. While my main point is about negativity I actually believe this discussion revolves around something I call ‘adders & subtracters.’

And while negativity and negative people fall into the “subtracter” header I will begin with some definitions/explanations and adders.

So.

If you think about life, people pretty much fall into two categories: Adders and Subtractors.

First.

The ‘Adders.’

You know. People who add things to your life. Things always seem to go better when they are around. Sometimes it is obvious and you just like them and being around them. And then sometimes they aren’t obvious because they aren’t big cheerleaders or self absorbed enough to point out what they are adding.

It is just that good shit happens whenever they are involved.

And, frankly, you feel better about yourself when they are around.

Ok. While I love these people (and unfortunately I tend to believe they represent a minority in the overall world population) this post ain’t gonna focus on them.

So … second.

And then there are the ‘Subtracters.’

Simplistically these are the people who subtract from your life. And they are killers in their own right. As I thought about how subtracters kill I remembered something Eckhardt Tolle said:

“Negativity is never the optimum way of dealing with any situation. In fact in most cases it keeps you stuck in it. Anything that will be done with negative energy will become contaminated by it and in time give rise to more pain and unhappiness. Furthermore. Any negative inner energy (state) is contagious. Unhappiness spreads more easily than any physical disease. Through the law of resonance it triggers and feeds latent negativity in others (unless they are immune).” – E. Tolle.

Subtracters are like quicksand killers.

They kill momentum.

They kill energy.

They kill hope <which is a version of energy>.

And maybe the worst of all … because it is so subtle … is the type who kill the joy of the moment.

Oh. They can be wily.

They can be slice and dice subtracters. Creating a death of a thousand cuts. Ah. Subtle subtraction. Its stealthy. It is rarely direct. Its like small pinpricks in the self esteem balloon. some examples … think things like … ‘that must be a home dye hair job’. Or. ‘Why would they ever wear something like that?’ Or. Start a phone conversation with “you are 4 minutes behind (said kiddingly)’. Or even … “did you notice how skinny he/she was?” These are indirect subtractions. Not only do they slice & dice from afar someone else but they subtly pick away at your own thoughts. Because if others can be nicked so easily … well … what about ourselves. It is stealthy. But it is just as damaging.

The non subtle is easy to spot. Its big self esteem attacking stuff. Aimed at immediately popping the self esteem balloon. They can be the heavy handed guillotine subtracters. Their negativity, seemingly subtle and sometimes obvious, can kill any motivation to move forward in your life (or even just the day itself to think on a smaller scale).

In the end … subtle or non-subtle … basically … subtracters suck to have around.

You can be motivated and ready to go ‘do’ when suddenly a subtractor tells you it cannot be done.

Or worse … that <you> specifically cannot get it done. They either flat out tell you (or maybe even worse just intimate so you invest energy pondering the question at hand) that you’re just going to fail and nothing is going to come of it.

Or … even worse than that last worse… they attack backwards … by taking a cut out of a past action.

Wow. Talk about depressing.

Negativity is a powerfully evil weapon.

It can destroy our belief in ourselves. It can take the joy out of life … even the simplest moments … moment by moment.

It subtracts us at our core sucking away motivation <that is so often a struggle to get in the first place>.

Bottom line.

The truth is negativity kills motivation.

Motivation to do <actions>.

Motivation to do good.

In addition.

What makes it even more challenging is compounding the subtractors (the people themselves) affect is the subtractors called ‘the media’.

News is a huge life subtractor if you are not careful. Because it is a source of negativity.

Scarily … negativity is actually a criteria for determining whether or not something is considered newsworthy. We all know that people like to watch negative things (which is why the majority of the time the front page of the newspaper is someone getting killed or some disaster occurring) but I don’t have to like it.

Negativity sells.

That’s why 75% of the news on TV is about hurricanes and tornadoes and crime and corrupt politics.

So that’s what they put on the news.

I guess I added those little factoids in to make the point that it is difficult to remove negativity from your life.

You cannot control ‘big media.’

But you can control everyday life.

And you can control daily ‘addition and subtraction.’

And you can make choices with the subtracters around you.

Identifying and eliminating subtraters is an essential step to personal happiness. It takes a harsh eye to your existing life (and maybe your attitude with regard to things) but it’s definitely worth it.

So think about this whole subtracter person thing.

We all have them … a friend, family member or work acquaintance who does nothing but complain, argue or just finds something wrong in anything and everything <in total or just n part>.

Ok. Ok. We have all been that person at some point in our lives … typically in a rough time in our lives.

But it is temporary.

It’s when someone seems bent on consistently finding the negative and constantly being negative (or finding one thing in every conversation to be negative about) that it can become a real problem.

It is extremely draining. In fact … it is … well … subtracting.

And not only is it draining but it can affect you … yourself … and relationships and friendships and, well, everything in your life.

Why?

Because if you even care one iota about life and what you are doing … you end up investing incremental energy when you are around a subtracter.

And therefore the subtraction takes on exponential proportions because subtractors have this seemingly stubborn determination to be negative … this despite how hard you try to be empathetic or positive or supportive or just in deflecting their negativity.

So. Stop. You have to do something.

You have to decide to do something to avoid having your energy further sucked out of you.

Because if you are not careful you not only have normal everyday positiveness sucked out of you they will also eat up all the positiveness you extend <in the effort to stop them being a subtractor>.

And that is trouble.

When that happens … you inevitably get exhausted and frustrated and, worst of all, pulled down there with them into the negativity black hole.

Think about how this all works. (It is pretty simple).

Before engaging with a subtracter you can be in a great mood with energy.

After engaging with a subtracter you feel deflated, unhappy and tired.

Period.

End of concept.

Oops. I guess it can be compounded even more.

I also tend to believe you invest a lot energy afterwards trying to think about how you may make the situation less deflating the next time around.

Look.

It’s mostly wasted energy.

First.

Negativity is next to impossible to unravel.

It’s like one of those brain tumors that weaves its way intertwining the fiber of your brain. It gets tied into inextricable knots among the good things in your brain. Which means that in your brain the good things never have any unfettered space to breathe and think.

Negativity starts squeezing out positiveness.

Anyway.

How do you drop it? Like a hot coal. Do not try an unravel it or analyze it or fix it.

Recognize you don’t want to suffer the pain anymore and just let go of it.

Second.

Recognize you cannot solve or fix this kind of subtractor.

The truth is they’re the only ones who can realize their negativity and decide to actually make a change.

Someone said it once really well “you cannot help people who cannot help themselves.”

Subtractors represent a bottomless pit of darkness of which no one has a bright enough light to lighten the depths of subtractedness.

Don’t try … even if you are one of those people who believe your role in life is to ‘save’ these people.

So.

Let’s go to the hard topic.

The REALLY hard topic.

Eliminating subtractors.

Yeah. You have to decide whether or not the ‘subtracter person’ (friend, family, whatever) is worth keeping. And cutting people out of your life is always difficult. Because negative or not if you care about them it sucks to cut them out of your life.

But do it.

And resolve it in your own head by knowing it was the right thing to do and think of her/him and wish her/him the best whenever they cross your mind.

When you do this? You will actually be relieved they are not part of your life.

It is addition by subtraction.

In the end … negative people … the subtractors … are dangerous.

They are simply a different type of murderer. And a sneaky type for they vary their technique by victim.

One cruel deep subtraction that can simply stop you breathing.

Or a thousand small cuts that ultimately drain life out of you.

Or something inbetween.

Regardless.

Subtractors are bad for a healthy life.

Ok.

Last thought on subtractors … how do you recognize a subtracter?

“Wicked people are always surprised to find ability in those that are good.” – Marquis de Vauvenargues

Subtracters are just a version of wickedness. They are always surprised by ability to do good.

I find this a great test of who is a subtracter around me. Anyway. Go forth and subtract the subtracters.

I have loved the stars too fondly

May 12th, 2012

“though my soul may set in darkness

it will rise in perfect light.

i have loved the stars too fondly

to be fearful of the night.”

Sarah Williams “the old astronomer to the pupil”

Stars are special things.

I do not know anyone who hasn’t stopped … for a moment on a clear night … to look up and scan the stars and either wonder which constellation it is or point out Orion’s belt or find the North star.

I do not know anyone who hasn’t … even in the most hectic moments … noticed that one star on a cloudy dark night that has made its light force it’s way through the shroud of darkness that has been trying to cover it.

I also don’t know anyone who hasn’t made a wish on a star. No matter how practical or cynical they may be.

Now. I had no idea who Sarah Williams was when I read this poem for the first time. So with some research I was disappointed to find that the poem this stanza (the 4^th I believe) is pulled from is a literal tribute to science & astronomy.

Nuts.

Because I have found these words thought provoking far beyond the literal intent.

Why?

Well. First. While stars are special to astronomers … they are special to everyone.

Second. Simply … star gazing is something everyone should do.

Personally I have found looking up at the night sky when I was upset or a had lot was on my mind to be helpful. Kind of calming. And, certainly, hopeful.

On those days when random thoughts … sometimes negative thoughts … sometimes the less than positive thoughts … aw heck … any thoughts … start bouncing around in my head, I admit, I will take some time and look to the night sky searching for a star to distract me or give me some clarity (or maybe better said … some thought decluttering).

And, yeah, even to this day, I still do so <one would think I could have found a more logical sure-fire method by now … huh?>.

There is a simplicity in a star that permeates whatever else you may have rattling around in that pea like brain of ours and kind of gives you some space .

Its like the light of it kind of pushes everything else off to the side for a moment or two.

And that is helpful.

Because as happy as you may be with your life there are always thoughts floating around in your head of “ is there something better” or “have I settled” or any thoughts challenging “what is” in your life versus what could be.

And while it may sound pedantitic, if not silly, this is when looking up to the night sky and the stars and doing some star gazing seems to have it’s highest value.

Why? Not to look for tangible answers … because it would be silly to suggest that there answers in the stars.

Actually. You should do so because … well … there are not answers there (although wishing on a falling star is always a good idea just in case).

Maybe I will only suggest that … well … in their nothingness there is everything.

“I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night”

Because there are truly the dark moments in life … the nights when it was … well … dark. Completely dark. So dark you almost feel swallowed up in it all.

And those are the nights when you know you need a little light. Maybe just a spark. But some light.

And, yeah, you know where I am going with this … because I have an answer for anyone reading who has some of these nights.

Look up at the stars.

I promise you (with everything I have within me to promise something). The stars can guide you back to some light.

Things that may be chewing away at you somehow ease up a little. Or maybe they don;t ease up … they just lose some of their strength .

Somehow there light pushes dark thoughts off to the side and in that emptiness whether you have a real wish or not there is some hope.

Hope for something better. And, no, I am not talking about hope for winning the lottery or solving any particular issue. In fact, that is my own fondness of the stars … they are not particular in what they have to offer … they offer the nebulous intangible positiveness of ‘something.’

Anyway.

Enough of that.

So. Here are some thoughts about stars.

There is a funny thing about stars … they come back every night no matter how good or bad your day was.

Whether you can only see a faint glimmer or a full constellation they are there.

They make great companions.

When everyone else is too busy … stars always have time to spare.

You can’t tell a star to go away because they won’t.

And no matter how complicated things get … well … a star remains simple.

With no expectations they patiently wait whatever you want to say to them or ask of them.

And they always carry a light with them … kind of like a glimmer of hope for something ‘better.’

Maybe Van Gogh said it best.

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” – Vincent van Gogh

My thought for the day?

There is always time to look at the stars.

observation of the day: people power

May 10th, 2012

“A wave of shareholder activism is shining light on ….” – subhead in The Guardian

“A new kind of outrage: Investors kick out against inflated pay packages” – headline in The Economist

So.

The issues America (and many countries) is having at the moment are complex but I wanted to make an observation of one thing … how everyday people can make a difference.

The topic? Leaders pay is out of whack.

I believe since the 70s the pay discrepancy between the top, middle and bottom has increased exponentially while overall company performance has not matched the shift. In addition. There seems like there has been a mindset shift. It is a little difficult to quantify but leaders in the 70s had a stronger philanthropic attitude as well as “taking care of others with my high earnings” attitude.

All that said … let me begin by defending leaders (a little).

First. The greater good.

While we would all like to believe we have an inner ethics compass we know for sure we all have an inner survival compass. Leaders are no different than the rest of us <albeit they earn exponentially more than us> in that there is such a sense of job insecurity these days it is really difficult to look beyond “self” for the “greater good” when you don’t know if you have a job tomorrow.

Second. CEO (or leaders pay).

Look. I have managed a couple of companies and I have no issue with a leader getting paid gobs of money. Until you have been in the shoes it is difficult to understand the incredible day in and day out pressure (does anyone ever notice a president enters office with no gray hair and leaves with a head of gray hair) and the fact that while no matter how well you delegate responsibilities every day you are making at least one decision every day, yes, every day … that could impact the future of the company (impact being profitability to complete failure).

Oh. And if anyone truly believes that a leader doesn’t realize she/he are managing people and the hard decisions they make impact people’s lives, they are nuts. The truly callous leader is a small minority. The majority are constantly weighing the benefit of the many versus the pain of the few. And the few who get screwed stick with them in sleepless nights.

Okay.

Now that I have defended … the compensation is out of whack.

But people can do somthing.

And, no, I don’t mean strikes or picketing.

The Guardian and The Economist have recently written articles on how shrehlders are stepping up and doing something.

In the past the majority of shareholders didn’t even vote. Didn’t need to. Why would they? They were making money.

Now? It’s a double whammy. Head and wallet.

Wallet they may not be getting the return they had before.

Head in that they realize the compensation is out of wack. So they are using their votes to reject the CEO/leader salary increase.

This is people stepping up and doing something and course correct.

compensation for executives is under scrutiny from shareholders, and investors, globally.

- Aviva, a British insurer with a downwardly mobile share price, announced on April 30th that its chief executive would forgo a planned pay rise because of shareholder criticism. The head of the compensation committee for Barclays was heckled at the bank’s annual meeting in London on April 27th. Big American banks cleverly scheduled their meetings away from the clamouring mobs of Wall Street—Citigroup went as far as Dallas and declined to provide a webcast. But its efforts could not muffle the bang made by a non-binding shareholder vote against a ludicrous compensation scheme for Vikram Pandit, its chief executive.

Citi is not alone. FirstMerit of Ohio also lost a shareholder vote in April, having granted its chief executive a steep rise despite single-digit returns on equity and a depressed share price. Three other large American financial firms received less than 65% approval on pay-related votes, a symbolic if not actionable threshold, according to Semler Brossy, a consultancy that began last year to collect data on these votes

Shareholder meetings used to be routine now they are becoming events for people to speak out.

When shareholders (a majority) vote then you know they are actually paying attention … and they actually believe they can do something.

Oh.

Hmmmmmmmmmm … on a separate note …

We have an election coming up. Maybe more than 40percent of all registered voters will actually vote.

Isn’t that why shareholders (citizens) get a vote? To course correct?

no secret to life

May 7th, 2012

“There are no secrets in life just truths that lie beneath the surface” – Dexter

I love this quote.

To me it seems to put a highlight on the inner struggle we seem to have with trying to make life so ‘mysterious’ (or some invisible hand) and a lack of desire to control, or assume responsibility for, our own life.

Yup. At it’s harshest it is simply ‘shirking responsibility.’

So. Some people call it destiny. Sometimes they suggest is “god’s will.’ Some call it fate.

All of which imply there is some secret to life that unless we are Sherlock Holmes we will never know or understand.

The fact is that life is just truths ‘that lie beneath the surface.’

And if you are willing to hold your breath a little while and dip down under the surface you can see truth.

But truth is a scary thing <particularly when it comes to Life from a personal perspective>.

It means recognizing strengths and weaknesses <real ones … not societal ones>.

It means recognizing past failures and lies.

It means recognizing what is real hope and what is false hope <being truly realistic>.

It means recognizing that we have some limits to what will be <and limits vary at what point in Life you assess the boundaries>.

Look.

I imagine we all hide from some of the harsh truths and inevitably retreat into some layer of ‘self lie.’

And while it may not be out & out lying … the fact is we adapt socially to maintain some façade of what we “wish we could be.”

Freud suggests that we have a “hidden self” lying in our subconscious that is often too much of a struggle for our conscious minds to handle. Because of that we do some cognitive gymnastics creating defense mechanisms twisting reality just enough to create justification to ourselves for our behavior.

Freud <no matter what I may think about some of the wacky things he said> is correct.

We all have either a hidden self or aspects of our self we would rather ‘hide from’ just because we would rather not face them.

Part of our defense mechanism is this mysterious “secrets of life.’

Sorry, my friends, there is no real secret to Life.

Just truths hidden below the surface if you are willing to look … and face them.

unicorns & rainbows

April 5th, 2012

“The unicorn is a lonely, solitary creature that symbolizes hope.” – Ally McBeal

So. This is about unicorns.

And I guess about people who see unicorns.

Crazy? Sure. Sounds it.

But hopefully it also makes you think about the people who seem to keep a vision of hope … and use it, however they elect to keep that hope at hand, to help them through the days and weeks.

So. This thought all began after watching this Ally McBeal episode the other day. I felt compelled to write about hope and, well, unicorns and how sometimes people go to some extreme, if not bizarre, ways to hold on to some light in seemingly dark days.

And while the episode was about the holidays I thought it was pretty relevant for any day (these days).

What do I mean?

Well.

I was going to try and right some whizbang words but instead I found something that someone wrote on their blog (sorry .. forgot who) that seemed to create the perfect reason for why seeing unicorns is perfectly acceptable …

What has made it challenging for me to write this is the darkness that I experience through the world’s anguish at this time. I am not living in days of light—I am living in days in need of light. I need to remember in this time of darkness that there are many who are seeking light.

I listen to the rantings of politicians who seem far more caught up in ideology and party positioning than they do in honestly meeting the deep challenges of our economy, the needs of our people, and caring for our planet. I witness the kindest of people being too busy to adequately separate their own food waste and recycling from their trash to reduce the build-up of what is becoming our planetary garbage dump. I witness fires and weather destroying lives and property and then reflect on the consequence of our priorities when we are unable to respond adequately. In this season of cold, I see the homeless in our own community seeking shelter from the wet and the winter.

And even, perhaps, more sharply, I returned from Israel more aware than ever of the incredibly wide divide between the humanity we perceive and the inhumanity shown by the actions of the leaders in that troubled region.

Right here at home, I am troubled by the inaction of so many of us who speak words of reconciliation, words of peace, words of promise, yet continue to find enemies who need to be stopped rather than people who need to be invited into the dialogue.

Yes, all that is true, yet I need to remember in this time of darkness that there are many who are seeking light.

Look. That sounds … well … dark. But I elect to focus on the ‘light’ or the refusal to give up on hope portion.

I don’t know if it’s the economy or the news or a general feeling of unrest but I do believe a lot of people just seem to be more empty these days. Well. Certainly less full of hope if they aren’t completely empty.

And in this Ally McBeal episode someone was fired for saying he saw a unicorn.

Well. I would imagine all of us would take this with a grain of salt (if not believe the person had completely lost their mind).

Yet the judge in the episode suggests “there are a lot of lonely people out there, looking for hope in strange places.”

In the end the judge decides that those people can keep their unicorns.

You know? It sounds a little crazy … and Whipper (the judge on Ally McBeal) was a quasi-nutcase on a show full of nutcases … but … you know what? I agree.

Some people need to believe that they have seen a unicorn. It doesn’t mean they are nuts … people need to find hope however they can … some people just see the unicorn as hope.

And, frankly, (and one of the characters says this also) … why should anyone have any say in where a person may look for that hope?

For god’s sake … all people want to be happy … and different people just get there in different ways. And if someone elects to use a unicorn? Well, geez, it could be worse, couldn’t it?

One of the characters in the episode says … “who’s to say the ones who dream of unicorns aren’t the lucky ones these days.”

I know … I know … this sounds nuts … but think about it.

Supposedly people who see them share some of the unicorn’s traits … they may be lonely but with virtuous hearts.

Mythology also suggests that only pure spirits can approach the unicorn.

In the Ally McBeal episode Ally recalls one time when she touched a unicorn and the character who saw it said he didn’t get close to the unicorn … but (here is the part that maybe makes you think a little) … “but he won’t have another chance if he stops believing in the unicorn.”

Ok. That is a bigger thought than just a wacky tv show.

If we ask all people to stop “believing in unicorns” do people lose any chance of reaching what they hope for?

Whew.

C’mon.

The unicorn is a symbol of innocence and purity.

I know all of this sounds crazy (and it even looks crazy as I type it) … but … don’t we really want more of these people in today’s world?

In fact … chinese mythology says the fact that a unicorn has not been seen in many centuries suggests that we are living in “bad” times. It will appear once again when the time is right and when goodness reigns.

So maybe the people who see unicorns are actually the hope for the rest of us. Maybe they are the ones “where goodness reigns.”

Regardless.

If it isn’t that “big” … maybe someone who sees a unicorn somehow just feels safer. And I have no right to not allow someone that right in today’s world.

Also (and … boy … coming from a realist like me … this is gonna sound really odd) … I don’t know if I can explain it, but knowing that maybe someone out there can actually see a unicorn … well … maybe in a weird way they give me hope.

Now that I have typed that … it reminds me of something else another character said …

And, I’m afraid say it out loud because maybe if life finds out it’ll try to beat it out of them and that will be a shame.

Because, we all can use a little hope sometimes, you know. That feeling that everything’s going to be okay and that there’s going to be someone there to help make sure of that.

There are people who can make you believe in things you can’t see. and I think we miss that these days.

Look.

It’s a hard time for everyone these days but it is a particularly hard time for dreamers these days.

We all tend to think of dreams as a big, fluffy cloud that is surrounded by rainbows and unicorns.

So instead of ‘unicorns & rainbows’ we tend to focus on a mission … that everything in our lives would instantly be perfect if only we could have ABC, or do XYZ.

Well.

Maybe that the mission is really the fantasy … or, at minimum, part of the problem.

Maybe all those ‘missions’ are cramming up all our space that would have held dreams. And, really, this isn’t about going after your dreams but rather dreaming … and having hope … for something good and big and … well … maybe something that isn’t always tangible but intangible that lifts the heart and spirit.

I say all of this knowing that some readers will think this is wacky … but I also hope that people realize there is no right or wrong answer.

Being in the hope business is tricky these days and, as I said earlier, it’s tough being a dreamer these days.

But.

In fact I almost wish I was in the used rainbow business. I think people would be willing to buy discount dreams and discounted rainbows. What I mean by that is people would be willing to set aside the ‘big’ dreams and maybe pick up someone else’s that have been discarded … and they still look pretty good to reality.

In the meantime … maybe I should look for some people who make wishes on rainbows and see unicorns.

Cause I know it’s not really in my personal DNA to see unicorns.

And maybe that means I am not one of the lucky ones.

Maybe we need more rainbows (used or not).

Maybe we need more people who can see unicorns.

Here is what I am absolutely sure we need.

I do know is that hope is a must.

If you don’t have it, you’ve got to find it … lapses in hope happen and are okay … but you have to find it however you must … and maybe that is why I agree with the judge in Ally McBeal … let those people have their unicorns … who am I to judge on how someone holds on to hope.

Regardless.

Ally McBeal was an odd tv show.

But several episodes are must see for everyone.

This is one.

It may just remind you that seeing unicorns isn’t as wacky as you thought it was.