Ok.

Before I get myself in too much trouble I will state upfront that I unequivocally love women.

I love everything about them.

I have had the fortune to have had amazing relationships throughout my life and I am a better person for them.

So. That said.

In general, when it comes to appearance, pretty much all women are grade A loony. Yes. They are crazy (in this category).

The lengths women go to in order to maximize their “attractiveness” is sometimes stunning in its depth and breadth of wackiness.

Want proof? Well. Let’s check out these following products (real products that anyone can buy not just some tribe nearing extinction somewhere in South America) to showcase how crazy it can really get.

Oh.

All I know for sure is I tend to believe if I dated anyone who used any of these products below I would have to have a night out with the boys, have a couple (dozen) beer and ask them “so what is it I like about her?”

So.

Here are several real “beauty” products which may suggest that some women are frickin’ crazy.

(by the way, this post is primarily pulled from another blog but I cannot remember whose so I give ‘em all the props for digging these products up so I could create this post)

-          Bull Semen Hair Treatment

I thought it was appropriate for me to begin with this fine product since I once wrote a post about matadors and bulls. Some famous bullfighting bulls had nicknames to carry on after their bullring days. But now they can gain some extra income outside the ring apparently. While egg yolk, vinegar, avocado, mayonnaise, olive oil, beer are just a few examples of things women have put in their hair in the search for the optimal shine.

Now they can add bull sperm to the list.

(luckily someone is bottling it so you don’t have to go get it yourself)

There is a salon in the UK that offers a new, intense conditioning treatment which uses organic pedigree Angus bull semen (I cannot believe I just wrote ‘organic semen’) fresh from Brooklet Farm in Cheshire. The substance’s pure protein, combined with katera, a protein-rich plant root, penetrates each hair and deeply nourishes the hair leaving it soft & thick.

Why bull semen? According to the salon’s owner “I have been searching for an organic product with a lot of protein because that is what hair is made of and lacks when it is dry,” he says. “All the best treatments are protein based. Synthetic treatments are good, but they are heavy if you have fine hair and can make it look greasy. In the end, the bull’s sperm was the winner.”

Supposedly this new treatment is so deeply nourishing and revitalizing it has earned a nickname “Viagra for the hair.” Treatment costs over $100.

Alrighty.

-          Feces Odor Tablets

Let me begin with the product description.

“For beautifying waste.”

No shit. (pun intended)

This is really a product. I mean, c’mon, who could make this shit up (sorry. another intended pun)

We can no welcome in a new era of reduced fecal and flatulence odor in today’s world.

The products claim “now people can return to normal activities, unhindered by the social limits of uncontrolled fecal and flatulence odor.”

Yowza. (I am kind of speechless)

In little green pills the ‘feces odor tablets’ are the ultimate Personal Hygiene Product. A Japanese innovation the pills promise to make your excrement completely odor-free in three days of use.

Why develop this product? “People must be responsible for their odors.”

Well. ‘nuff said.

-          Gorilla Snot Hair Gel

Someone, taking advantage of a summer cold epidemic in the Congo, has discovered after gathering a bunch of gorilla snot and rubbing it in your hair you get “an extreme hold for your hairdo.”

Okay. Gorilla snot.

It is already being used in Mexico as a hair gel – “Moco de Gorila.” Suffice it to say but this is pretty disgusting when you think about it.

Gorilla snot in your hair for maximum hold?

To make you feel really good laying out $7.49 a bottle the packaging graphics is a cartoon picture of a gorilla with a Mohawk haircut, earrings, and snot running out of his nose.

Heck. I would pay $8.49 for that.

-          Nipple Lightening Cream

Well.

Today women dye their hair, undergo facial surgery, liposuction, breast implants, body waxing, and much more, in order to appear younger and more attractive. The lightening of nipples to regain their original, pink, youthful color has become just another step to assist with this transition.

There are now several creams on the market which promise to “bring back the pinkness of youth back to your nipples”. This skin lightener, which apparently is extremely gentle, conditions the nipples so they will return coloration to the “rosy pink hue that you possessed from your youth.”

Oh.

While not outlined … I am assuming it would be effective on men’s nipples also if they wanted to regain that “rosy pink hue from your youth.”

With a mixture of natural herbal extracts it helps reveal new pinker nipples gradually within 4 weeks. Luckily the cream can be used for a long time and your nipples will not turn darker than before if discontinued.

Directions for usage?
Apply on the cleaned nipple and area around it morning and night.

Well.

I know a boatload of guys who will endorse this product.

-          Pubic Hair Coloring

Ok women, the heck with waxing.

Betty Beauty is the name of a hair coloring made especially for pubic hair. Apparently many hair salons have made the practice of providing women with a brown bag of hair coloring to match the coloring they just got put on their heads.

And then Betty Beauty came along (thank god I say).

Betty Beauty pubic hair coloring comes in five different colors, brown, black, blond, auburn, and hot pink (I do wonder how they decided to add ‘hot pink’ after all the natural hair colors).

Or. Even more interesting (and high end apparently)  you could go for a new color, a new ‘do’, or both, as in Hollywood’s recent trend, the “Tiffany Box,” where pubic hair is waxed into a small square, bleached, and dyed powder blue like the store’s famous gift boxes.

Oh my (that’s me).

And, no, I did not make that up.

-          Bird Poop Facial Treatment

So.

Before you completely poo poo this exciting new facial treatment (sorry … couldn’t resist) please note that the Geisha “bird Poop” Facial is made with all natural ingredients including Japanese Rice Bran (not to be confused with American raisin bran) to brighten and soften skin complexion using natural enzymes.

Oh. Also.

The most important ingredient is actually something called Uguisu no Fun … or powdered Nightingale dropping.

Yes. It is true. Nightingale shit.

Apparently Guanine (which you can also find in VitaminWater drinks) is an enzyme found in nightingale droppings and is an ingredient in many make up products and contributes to exfoliating and bleaching the skin. Apparently Japanese geishas and kabuki dancers have been using this crap to wash off their heavy white makeup since the 18^th century.

(geez. who was the first to squeeze the crap out of a nightingale and test it out?)

So. One ounce of the product is about $20 and a facial treatment using this stuff at a spa in NYC costs over $200.

Oh.

Just in case you are wondering. Pigeon shit (cheaper and a lot easier to find) is not as effective.

-          Cheetos Lip Balm

So. This is tame compared to bull semen but this one is made by New York based Lotta Luv. This Cheetos lip balm is exactly what you think it is – orange lip balm that tastes like cheetos (cheese). They also have A&W Root Beer lip balm, Hostess Twinkie lip balm, or their Jelly Belly lip balms (and more if you haven’t ‘yacked’ by now).

Ok.

Before you think this new product is really stupid … read this actual endorsement (I did not make this up) and maybe you will run out and buy some for yourself:

“I own a tube of the latest fad that is Cheetos lip balm. Let me tell all you little teenyboppin’ Cheetos knockin’ know-it-all kids: Don’t knock it till you try it! Cheetos lip balm has practically transformed my entire life. Before CLB, I had no friends, bad hair…and yes, I was even bad at math. Since making this miraculous purchase, I’ve made friends with all the popular girls at school…I now have silky shiny hair that most of you would DIE for…AND i got an A on my last algebra test! Who knew??? Cheetos lip balm is like this…phenomenon that will suddenly open all the doors to love, beauty, success, and mathematical skills. Luck??? NO!!! CHEETOS LIP BALM!!! And it tastes good too!!! OMG

Gosh.

After reading that (if I were a girl) I would buy it now.

-          Sunblock for Nails

Ok. This is wacky.

You’ve rubbed some UV protection sunblock on your skin, you’ve got yourUV protection sunglasses on, your UV protection lip balm, and you even treated your hair with UV protection conditioner.

Ah, but you forgot to protect your fingernails from UV radiation!

(because sunburned fingernails is a HUGE problem)

Women (or I guess men could also … say maybe the guys in Chemical Romance who wear a lot of makeup  …)  brush it on like nail polish and it protects your finger nails from the Sun’s ultraviolet rays. And, in case you are wondering, sunburn is NOT the issue (thank god).

The company says that exposure to UV light can cause nails to yellow. Well. There you go.

-          Anal & Vaginal Bleaching

The product description opens with “Do you suffer from embarrassing dark or discolored intimate areas? Millions of women do! We all want to look our best. Especially in the most intimate areas of our bodies!”

They also don’t want you to be fooled by imitators (because I am sure P&G has a full line of products just waiting in the wings to take advantage of this expanding market).

So. This is an all natural product created specifically for use in intimate areas with proven results nor harsh chemicals that may irritate or have dangerous side effects (which I tend to believe would be essential for a product of this type).

Ok.

I am done.

Just some wacky examples of the extreme lengths women go to in order to satisfy “the man.”

Maybe I should have called this an ‘enlightened look into women and appearance.’ (ok. maybe not)

I was going to save this post for valentine’s day just in case any of my guy readers wanted some special gift ideas but I thought, what the heck, it’s never a bad time to give someone you like a gift.

Consider this my suggestion box.