Enlightened Conflict

Tag Archives: instinctual

instinct

April 6th, 2013

 

“Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun.” – Don Marquisinstinct collective_unconsciouness

 

This quote is taken from Marquis’ “The Almost Perfect State” which was written in 1927 as a series of sharp criticisms of the Progressive Era.

Ok.

I imagine a lot of people read this quote and wonder if the quote would work better … “ideas load the gun, but instinct pulls the trigger.”

But I believe that misses Don’s point <albeit I have not spoken with him on this topic … he died in 1937>.

The point?

Knowledge and experience can only take you so far.

It is the difference between being solely analytical and incorporating the intangible <the instinctual>.

What he is suggesting is that all the bright big ideas in the world don’t mean shit if they cannot be brought into being without a person who can originate the intellectual movement of action. This person requires a special character.

Ah.

Special character.

Instinct is one of those things people hate.

Because it is not tangible … and it always assumes some level of risk.

It is research of one <which scares the shit out of people these days>.

That means …

Collaboration? Well. Nope.

Consensus? Geez. Nope.

Extrapolation through the hypotenuse of multiple data points discussed ad nausea and plotted on some nifty white board? Sounds like fun … but … nope.

Instinct is gut … albeit typically great instincts have been honed by experience and knowledge.

But in the end … it is not tangible nor proven.

It is … well … just what it is.

Sure.

It can be cultivated.

And it can even be honed.

But I do not believe it can be taught.

Well. Let me take that back and try this.

Good instincts cannot be taught.

Good instinct is first and foremost an internal aptitude. We all have instincts … but some just have gooder instincts. Beyond that natural foundation it is probably a combination of experience and knowledge and ultimately a mindset.

I say a mindset because instinct is a feeling and not anything visible or tangible. You sense what to do and where to go and what to say.

And it often isn’t because your instincts are proven good … but just rather that you know what feels wrong.

 

“Every time I’ve done something that doesn’t feel right, it’s ended up not being right.” – Mario M. Cuomo

 

That said.

I know one of the most frustrating things I have heard in business decision meetings is “I am not sure what the right thing to do is … but … what we are discussing doing sounds wrong.”

And while frustrating … it also feels right.

We sometimes get so rushed to make a decision we grab one … anyone will do. And, yet, it feels wrong … okay … maybe not wrong … just not right.

That is instinct.

Not only knowing the path to success … but also recognizing paths to failure & disappointment <before you even take one step on that path>.

It is a true joy to be near someone with good, if not great, instincts.

They seem to be in an effective zone and not in a comfort zone. What I mean is that they have a habit of disregarding distractions … discerning the important from the unimportant  … and have a focus. That focus may not be the destination <it can be> but oftentimes their instincts are reflective of the journey to the destination.

They have a humble confidence … and sometimes are even slightly insecure <I imagine because their strength is in the intangible>.

 

“Trust instinct to the end, even though you can give no reason.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

And they are rarely emotional in decision making.

instinct good or badNow.

Conversely, it is absolutely miserable to be near someone who has crappy instincts <but thinks they have good instincts>.

It is not only miserable because you end up going down lots of fruitless paths and waste a lot of energy but also because instincts are intangible.

There are no numbers or research or facts that can counter instincts and intuition. Therefore someone in a leadership position who has crappy instincts is unmovable. They are literally an elephant in the room.

That is misery.

Regardless.

Instinct is a natural aptitude.

Kind of like a knack.

An innate tendency or response to act in ways that, at its most base description, is essential to development, preservation or survival.

As Hayakawa suggests … instinct implies innate disposition rather than having a talent. It is not a gift, nor a talent or even an aptitude. It is more an inborn intangible. It could be called a ‘Knack’ but that has almost always been associated with social rather than intellectual causes & situations.

It is tough in today’s world for people with good instincts.

While intellectual in its strength it is not proven with any reason.

In an over thinking, over analyzing, over safe world .. ‘without reason’ doesn’t often gain a place at the table.

Instinctual decision making often requires having people follow with some blind faith. And in a world of consensus and collaboration … well … that ain’t happening much these days.

the ‘Secret’ ain’t really a secret

March 9th, 2013

Forewarning. If you like The Secret … and live by The Secret … it will be no secret at the end of this rant that I do not believe the secret is a secret at all. So read on at your own peril.

<from the author of The Secret>secret good enough

“To create the life of your dreams, the time has come for you to love You. Focus on Your joy. Do all the things that make You feel good. Love You, inside and out. Everything will change in your life, when you change the inside of you. Allow the Universe to give you every good thing you deserve, by being a magnet to them all. To be a magnet for every single thing you deserve, you must be a magnet of love.” ― Rhonda Byrne

 

<not from the Secret>

“Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity successful men act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly, and you will be amazed at the positive results.” – William James

 

Oh boy.

I am going to discuss <rant about> The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

secret happiness chase lifeIt really isn’t anything more than a reformulation of William James or even Norman Vincent Peale’s ‘The Power of Positive Thinking.’

Bottom line. The book to me? Tripe. Useless drivel.

Look.

If you want to do something good … well … go ahead and do it.

If you need a self-motivation “I am happy and love life” speech to yourself in the morning … then do it.

But.

Suggesting simply choosing happiness leads to success, well, that is flawed logic. And the whole “magnet for good”? … oh my. We could only all wish it were so easy.

Now.

While I can’t buy this tripe I do love the idea.

But.

C’mon. If it was really this easy wouldn’t we all have everything we truly wanted? <because that’s all we would think about … and I actually guess all of us have actually wanted to do only the things we want to do … and the things that would make us happy>.

Anyway.

The challenge with challenging a book like this is that it actually leverages from a simple Life premise … … that our thoughts <and ultimately – actions> are usually a reflection of our beliefs and attitudes. And if we want to change our reality then we have to change these beliefs and attitudes that shape our thoughts.

But it becomes easier to challenge when it actually suggests that there is a scientific premise <which is actually a made up premise> … that the ‘Universal Law of Attraction’ is a Law in which if you focus on something enough <I assume this is unhappiness as well as happiness> it is not only drawn to you but actually expands.

This made up law says ‘The Law of Attraction states that you will attract to yourself those experiences that match your beliefs: These beliefs then create your EXPERIENCE of reality. So focus on what you DO want, rather than on what you don’t want.’

Therefore <scientifically> you will not only get what you want … but you also get to live a Life only doing what makes you happy.

<insert a sarcastic “yeah … right” here>

First. There is no Law of Attraction. Not even a postulate or a theorem. Just a made up law <maybe that is it’s secret?>.

Second. You do not always get what you want. Anything. Experiences included. But I can reverse the logic and guarantee all the things you actually do, and like to do, you actually wanted to do. Reality looked at backwards will always appear closer in the “I wanted to do” mirror. And as for ‘attraction’? What a bunch of bullhockey.

The Secret is a power of intention/power of positive thinking a get what you want formula <also like Tony Robbin>.

Here is the deal.

It will “work” for some based on mathematical probability alone <if enough people think “hard” enough to ‘attract’ whatever they are seeking to attract … a few will>.

And, of course, these few are the ones quoted in the book.

I wish it was actually that simple.

The Secret neglects to inform you, but suffice it to say, it is not “attraction” but rather this is more about discipline and focus and effort.

But.

If the happiness ‘secret’ keeps your eye on your own proverbial ball … then do it.

But to suggest it is a science let alone a law with proof <because you can de-isolate specific incidents and make the argument that they are exceptions to the rule> really does make the Secret untenable if not simply a criticism of our intelligence.

It is certainly sneaky. It uses smart quotes <albeit out of context> and the book takes advantage of the fact we all ask ourselves these questions <all of us do, or have done, at some point>. Things like:

Do you ever wonder how other people do it?

How do some people find the courage to follow their dreams?

What makes happy successful people different <or what is their commonality>?

Well. Sorry. The truth is there is nothing special about the majority of them.

secret create happinessThe difference between a person who has an idea and a person who acts on that idea is one step … albeit a big step.

That step often comes down to knowing you are not alone and finding the courage within yourself. Dreaming big certainly encourages you to take that first step.

And to succeed, or find happiness, you do have to be willing to take at least some step. After that? Well. You gotta work hard. I <or anyone> can envision anything … but it ain’t just gonna be given to me.

Whenever I see a quote like “Every day when I wake up I realize I have a choice. I can be happy or unhappy. So what do I do? I’m not dumb. I choose to be happy” I kind of want to puke. Having a positive attitude, or making the best of the situation, is always good … but Life is meant to be a roller coaster ride <even if you hate roller coasters> and there will be highs & lows. You slug it out with the lows and enjoy the highs. No secret.

Now. I certainly do believe in committing to ‘show up’ in Life every day … but this quote? What a bunch of crap <or tripe>.

So.

I had drafted a brilliant <in my eyes> diatribe on how books like The Secret are worse for humanity than even the most misguided government but I found someone who did it for me <and even more smartly than I was going to do it>.

I apologize that I cannot provide the author because when I cut & pasted I neglected to capture that information but suffice it to say I need to credit someone other than me for these well crafted words:

I think a book like this, which makes some really big claims, should, roughly, do the following:

1) Present it’s premise clearly

2) Since it’s a self-help book explain clearly what you need to do

3) Provide compelling evidence that it’s ideas work

4) Be credible.

The book does a decent job of explaining its premise, which is that everything in your life is the result of the law of attraction.

I quote, “the law of attraction says like attracts like, so when you think a thought, you are also attracting like thoughts to you.” In other words, think good thoughts and good things will come to you and if you think bad thoughts then bad things come to you.

I’ve simplified this a bit but not a whole lot as the concept isn’t rocket science.

Now, does this book explain clearly what you need to do? Actually, for a self-help book it does a very poor job of this. How do you control your thoughts? What kinds of practices and thinking produce the best results? The author and contributors basically tell you a bunch of stories about how “so and so did something and you can too by changing your thinking”.

And that’s it for the “how to” part of the book. There isn’t any.

Now, if I wanted to prove something worked from a scientific perspective it would seem to be easy to test this stuff out. You take two groups of people, teach one the secret, let the other go on with their lives and see what happens. In theory those that know the Secret would be happier and more successful than the control group. It might not be perfect but it’d be a whole lot better than what we get in this book. But, of course, you’d have to have an actual methodology to test.secret ask believe

 

Instead the authors cite numerous anecdotes of how the Secret worked. One person’s cancer went away. Another individual walks after a brutal accident. Still another finds romance. That’s all fine and perhaps it’s evidence but it’s not proof. How many people who were injured like the “Miracle Man” never walked again despite the best attitude and trying the approach perfectly?

The problem with anecdotes is that it’s easy to start with a result, work backward and assume the conclusion.

It’s also very easy with anecdotes to only present the ones that make your case and ignore those that don’t (when someone dies of cancer while practicing the secret for instance). It’s just not good enough to use anecdotes for large claims like those made in this book.

The following quote struck a nerve.

“People hold that for awhile, and they’re really a champion at it. They say, `I’m fired up, I saw this program and I’m going to change my life.’ And yet the results aren’t showing. Beneath the surface it’s just about ready to break through but the person will look just at the surface results and say, `This stuff doesn’t work.’ And you know what? The universe says, “your wish is my command.”

I thought it was interesting that the universe instantly manifest failure but isn’t quite so fast with success. In fact, a cynical individual might conclude that what they are really saying is, “when this program works it’s because the secret always works, but, on the off chance it doesn’t work, well, that’s your fault.” An even more cynical person might think, “gosh, I wonder what would help a person who failed? Maybe, a seminar with Bob Proctor would be just the thing to get them over the top?”

Lastly, is the Secret credible? On the one hand, I think a lot can be said for the idea that if you change your thinking you’d change your life.

In many ways that seems obvious to me.

On the other hand, if the secret actually was true, especially at the scope claimed by the book it would mean that everything that’s happened is the result of your thinking. So, when a child dies of pneumonia, well, it’s because they brought pneumonia into their lives. Michael J. Fox, not only did you bring Parkinson’s into your life but change your thinking and it will go away. Obviously these things aren’t true and they obliterate, in my opinion, any credibility in the book.

Not only does the book go too far but most (I’d argue nearly all) of the contributors aren’t credible. On a topic of this scope: the ability to 100% change your life and the world in an incredible fashion, does anyone really think you couldn’t find psychologists, top flight scientists, therapists and thousands of mainstream individuals to support it, if it worked? Wouldn’t there be tons of research instead of anecdotes? Instead we get a Feng Shui Master, a chiropractor, motivational speakers (err trainers), a metaphysicist, etc. combined with a half dozen anecdotal stories. So the most powerful like changing idea ever and you get it from the crew in this book presented in this fashion? I don’t think so!

 the secret big in life-is-that-there-is-no

If this idea really worked, at anything other than giving material to self-help speakers and generating repeat students, it just wouldn’t be found here. The book wouldn’t even have to be written because we’d all already know it and be practicing it. Remember, this is not a new idea, it’s been around for a very long time, and it’s been the topic of literally thousands of seminars and hundreds of books.

Catchy review title? Thought so. Robert Cialdini, renowned psychology researcher and author of Influence: The Power of Persuasion (perhaps the best book ever written on the subject) identifies six basic rules employed by politicians, advertisers and scam artists alike to persuade others. Each of them are employed quite adeptly by Rhonda Byrne in this book.

Cialdini’s first principle is SCARCITY; people want what’s expensive, exclusive, or otherwise attainable. Byrne’s mastery of this principle is clearly shown by the very name of the book: The Secret. We all learned this the first week of kindergarten as we felt the jealousy of watching two classmates, hands cupped over ears, sharing a secret out of earshot.

This message is reinforced throughout the book and its advertising campaign which pitches “The Secret” (whatever it actually is) as jealousy-guarded information hoarded by the happy, wealthy and successful. Whenever someone tries convincing you of something, whether it’s a way to make enormous sums of money, to lose weight, etc – be wary of when it’s pitched as “the knowledge THEY don’t want you to have.” Think about it – everything from the “secrets that Wall Street doesn’t want you to know” to “uncovered – celebrities’ secrets to staying young” are phrased not simply to pique your interest but to make you jealous. Appeals to our emotion are far more powerful than appeals to reason, and Byrne demonstrates mastery of this principle throughout “The Secret.”

Cialdini’s second principle is LIKING. We like those who like us, and in turn, we do business with them. Positive thinking and emotional intelligence has been linked to strong interpersonal relationships, academic and professional success, and good health, but there is a fine line when positive thinking crosses over to unjustified exuberance. Instead of simply noting the substantial benefits of positive thinking (a well-accepted principle which wouldn’t sell books), Byrne crosses the line so blatantly that anyone with a modicum of modesty would find it blasphemous.

AUTHORITY is another Cialdini principle, also in play in “The Secret” in quite subtle ways. Another technique which differentiates this book from just another book of positive thinking is the heavy use of quasiscientific language, which gives the impression that the “law of attraction” is (or will become) an accepted scientific principle, just like the law of gravity or the law of attraction of oppositely-charged particles in chemistry. Many people are both intimidated and confused by the authority of science, a fact exploited by manipulators ranging from Byrne to peddlers of magic weight-loss pills.

Since no respected physicist would ever publish a paper on the universality of the “law of attraction,” Byrne indirectly seeks experts in other ways. She attributes the success of people ranging from Einstein to Beethoven to adherence of “The Secret,” thereby manufacturing experts. After all, if Einstein and Shakespeare mastered “The Secret,” who are YOU to question it?

The last two Cialdini principles are CONSISTENCY and SOCIAL PROOF. The success of this book should leave little doubt it will be followed by more (and more expensive) forms of media peddling “The Secret.” The audio recordings, weekend seminars, advertising tie-ins, and other follow-up products certain to follow will exploit these two principles. Once people commit themselves to believing happiness will come from “The Secret,” they will attribute future successes, whether a promotion or a great new relationship, to adherence to it. Conversely, setbacks will be even more powerfully in committing people to “The Secret,” as people will attribute their failures to not living up to “The Secret” (and buying more of Byrne’s books). Consistency dictates it will be less painful to buy more books and immerse one’s self further into “The Secret” than to accept the whole premise is a quite ridiculous; while not as pernicious as a domineering cult, “The Secret” promises to charge you handsomely for a positive outlook on life.

Byrne’s book is problematic on many levels.

On its face, it’s a manipulative marketing tool meant to flatter, confuse and deceive. It’s also pseudoscience at its best, the last thing we need to encourage in an increasingly technological world which requires healthy skepticism and critical thought. Most damaging, though, is how the book perverts reality by encouraging people to equate a positive outlook on life with a childish, idiotic narcissism. Ayn Rand must be rolling in her grave hearing about the modern manifestation of her objectivist movement reduced to the intellectual equivalent of canned pork.

In conclusion, I’m not opposed to the idea on a small scale but this book just goes way too far and I’m left with the feeling that all that’s really going on is a bunch of people trying to get their name out and get you to pay for their seminars.

do your best boy——–

<well written … better than what I could have written … but I agree>

So.

All that said.

Here is my point.

Do what you need to do to keep moving forward in life.

Have dreams.

Seek to be happy.

Seek success.

However you may define all the things I just listed.

They are all good aspects of “Life survival.” And are all good objectives.

And if this book helps you to focus on these things, well, then use it.

But.

The book is not a formula nor is it the bible/Koran guide to Life success or Life happiness.

It is simply a useful tool for some people.

Nor does simply envisioning success, or happiness, guarantee success or happiness. Someone in discussing this book suggested I was debating chicken or egg first. Nope. I break the egg by noting everyone who gains happiness <or 99.9%> will absolutely say they envisioned the happiness … but I can almost guarantee everyone who has not achieved happiness <or 99.9% of them> will absolutely say they have envisioned happiness. Someone doesn’t envision any better than someone else. Sometimes you may have more drive or you may work harder or you may even simply have more talent … or maybe the happiness is tied to something to unrealistic. I do not care which you choose. This logic kills the chicken and the egg.

Books like this drive me a little crazy in that they suggest they are ‘the key’ … because if Life were that simple well … Life would be simple.

I have a secret for you.

Life ain’t that simple.

Anyway. Because the book uses a lot of quotes I will end on a quote of my own from Arthur Rubenstein:

” Most people , in my opinion, have an unrealistic approach toward happiness because they invariably use the fatal conjunction “if” as a condition. You hear them say: ‘I would be happy if I were rich’, or … ‘if this girl loved me’ … or ‘if I had talent’ … or their most popular … ‘if I had good health.’ They often attain their goal, but they discover new ‘ifs.’As for myself, I love Life for better or for worse, unconditionally.”

Good pianist.

Smart man.

Great advice <no secret>.

Love Life unconditionally … and you will be happy.

 

being open minded

October 26th, 2012

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” – Richard Dawkins, in “Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder”

Richard Dawkins may be the most articulate nutjob of our generation <by the way … simply being a nutjob doesn’t mean you cannot be brilliantly smart>.

Anyway.

This is an awesome thoughtful non-nutjob quote.

I believe the entire discussion of close minded versus open minded is a great one.

Look.

I believe we all know that being close minded is not a good thing but the whole idea of being open minded as being a bad thing is a really enlightening thought.

Open or closed … once again, as with most things in life, it is about balance. To me it is about leaving enough open in your mind to absorb additional information and leaving enough opening to let out <throw out the useless garbage> the ‘unnecessary’ or maybe better said ‘the information that has now become obsolete’ as you gain new knowledge.

All at the same time keeping your mind closed enough that all that knowledge <your brains as Richard so aptly calls it> don’t fall out.

In other words … don’t lose your perspective just because you received some new, hopefully good, information and knowledge.

This whole topic brought to mind another relevant quote:

“We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.” - General Douglas MacArthur

We all gather information.

Okay. Only <regretfully> some people do.

And we also tend to redirect, or advance in another direction, given what we have learned. Or maybe you don’t even have to redirect because you can stay on the same path but maybe slow down a little or speed up a little.

But not everyone does, or can, do this.

I tend to believe no one actually wants to be close minded … they possibly just find it more comfortable. I also tend to believe not everyone knows HOW to be open minded.

Well. Maybe not effectively open minded.

You can try and listen. And try and be open minded. But it all really comes down to WHAT you do with having been open minded.

I say that because maybe, me being an asshole <on occasion>, tend to want to say “so frickin’ what?” when someone says “I will be open minded.”

Who cares? Because people who actually have to say those words tend to be the least open minded people. Sorry folks … while that is a generalization I will take that bet every time <and become a rich man>.  Yup. Trust me on this … the kiss of death in a business discussion is .. “okay, I will be open minded.” <translation: ‘you talk, I will pretend to listen, nod on occasion, and then we will do what I said we would do.”>

What really matters is the eventual action not the self proclamation.

In other words … what do you actually DO with the information you gained by being ‘open minded.’

-          Did your brains spill out and you vapidly followed the new information ? <which shows a lack of fortitude with regard to the initial preferred point of view/opinion/direction>

-          Did you simply nod and move on as if you didn’t hear a frickin’ think? <which shows  lack of integrity/sincerity by claiming to be open minded and yet you didn’t>

Being open minded is a skill. A skill to absorb … and the skill to not always open so far your brains spill out.

now

October 8th, 2012

“… I see NOW is my moment. Taking the time to listen for the answers to my questions. I guess NOW is always our moment even if it is only etching out one little piece of the bigger picture.”

Mindy Smith

People are always reflecting. I guess we do it because we are … well … human. We do it not because we second guess or just want to beat the crap out of ourselves  but more likely with the intent to improve ourselves in some form or fashion. We reflect to move forward better.

I came across this quote from musician Mindy Smith.

While musicians are always reflecting upon their creativity with an eye to “what comes next” I imagine all of us do this thought, and thinking, in our own way. It is not just a creative process thing. It is a Life thing. But this thought really stood out for me because it is about now, and listening, and questioning … and a recognition that now is ALWAYS our moment … if we elect it to be.

This doesn’t mean every moment is a ‘NOW’ moment but rather you can make any moment a ‘NOW’ moment of you choose to <I hope that makes sense>.

That is a really really big thought.

I know many people struggle with the concept of maximizing each moment. I know I do. You kind of want to but kind of also believe it is not very practical. And then you also wonder if you are choosing the ‘right’ moments to maximize. It can be a tiring process especially in reflection.

Mindy <I think> is suggesting you just find ‘now’ moments. And in that moment, for that brief time, it is an important moment because YOU stopped, and took the time to listen for answers to your questions. The moment was important because you made it so.

That is an inspiring thought. It is a free-ing thought. And a hopeful thought.

But. Here is where she really inspires.

I believe a lot of people diminish a reflective moment as unimportant because they are … well … simply reflective <and not active or ‘action-oriented>. You didn’t really ‘do’ something tangible.

She suggests each moment etches, one little piece at a time, the bigger picture.

This is a really really nice quote.

But it is an even nicer thought.

I have always liked her music <and loved her voice> but this thought she shares is spectacular.

This quote comes from a wonderfully articulated, very personal, thought on her new song “Closer”:

“Many times in life’s journey, we find ourselves disoriented. For me, I make destructive decisions that can distract me from my ultimate goal. I think I am making the right choices and staying close to my agenda but I just run off course. In ‘Closer,’ I see the North Star as the prize. One that I am always getting so close to but unable to grab a hold of and then it eludes me. Personally this song paints a picture of how I see my musical career and that I see NOW is my moment. Taking the time to listen for the answers to my questions. I guess NOW is always our moment even if it is only etching out one little piece of the bigger picture.”

I think it is a thought all of us could relate to.

(note: I am going to write about it but her new cd, called Mindy Smith, is a wonderful compilation of music and song writing)

products of our youth

March 2nd, 2012

So.

I often wonder why people do the things they do. Oh. And stress. How they deal with stress. In work life or personal life. Because stress certainly brings out the extremes in people.

For some reason, lately, I have seen a number of situations in work and outside of work which have made me scratch my head.

Stress is an odd thing. It makes seemingly rational people do some quite irrational things (or exhibit some short term irrational behavior). To be fair … stress also can bring out the best in some people.

Anyway.

Me being me … I watch not only because I am curious but also because I think effective leadership is often significantly defined by how you deal with stress.  Because stress situations are “judgment” times. Moments when things happen … or they don’t happen … and are scrutinized within the moment … and from a distance. Leaders should think about this shit. Because I often believe leaders forget that they are always watched … always … as an example of how to do or not do things.

And I often believe leaders forget their actions beget a culture or work environment.

And while I believe parents <who are leaders in their own world> NEVER forget this (that their actions beget a culture) I do believe stress short circuits this understanding and they do some irrational shit (which, I hate to break the news to us adults, is not solved by simply going back and trying to correct it … because the impact of that irrational behavior triggers a deep imprint in a child’s rational mind … and forever stored – to forever haunt not only us adults but their own behavior at some point).

Anyway.

Suffice it to say simplistically that leaders and parents actions beget “how to act rules of the road” for others as the road winds its way toward some horizon. And it behooves us to remember that <unfortunately we need to remember that 24/7>.

So. All that said.

As with thinking about most things like this … it creates a little self reflection. Not naval gazing type reflection but rather ‘why I act the way I do’ type reflection.  And just to be clear it isn’t naval gazing in terms of self understanding but rather learning & understanding to reflect upon leadership, or how I act, in times of stress.

I guess, in particular, I am looking specifically at leadership as a parent (although I am not one) and leadership in terms of people who follow your lead (so I put this self reflection exercise down as one that can help me as I teach high school students and such). But I imagine it won’t hurt in the workplace either.

Inevitably this type of reflection slips back to one’s youth. Yup. Childhood.

Because whether we like it or not … we are products of our youth.

For it is in childhood that the majority of our attitudes and behaviors took root. No … to be clear … I do not believe we ‘become our parents’ as we get older. I believe we become products of our youth (of which significant portions are certainly impacted by our parents – or any significant adult exposure) but it is more experiences, and experiential, and the imprints those experiences have left upon us. Some good. Some bad. But they are there. They direct our instinctual behavior. Sure. They can be ‘over-rided’ with some thought but many times, because they are instinctual, we don’t even think about over-riding them.

Regardless.

It pays to step back and look. Understanding the “reason why I do things” may not change anything you actually do. But it may change how you THINK about what you do. Worthwhile effort? Shit. I don’t know.  I know I think so. I believe it is always healthy to peel back the layers and recognize the “why I do” aspect. And sometimes, just sometimes, the exercise may actually change what you do. And that’s gotta be a good thing, right? (he says hopefully)

Anyway.

I am going to tell you some stuff about me growing up and I am NOT suggesting any of my parent readers don’t know how to parent your child or anything. This is simply telling you stuff and, if it is relevant or useful, use it.

So.

My parents worried about my grades a lot, incessantly as a matter of fact, and whether I was going to “live up to my abilities.” Apparently I had “tested well” as a child and both my parents also had education expectations. That was okay (and I do believe it is okay as a general rule).

But they also had preparation/studying expectations.

And that included a lot of ongoing pressure and nagging and unrelenting point of view on how it had to be done in order to be successful.

First.

Because they stressed and put pressure on every single testing event (especially the more important ones) … I stressed.

And I would purposefully study less and appear to casually prepare … not because I wanted to piss them off (although they certainly did on occasion and absolutely would get very very frustrated) or do poorly but rather because it was my way of decreasing my own stress and clearing my head on stuff.

Over time I actually learned how to manage what I needed to do to succeed … as well as what I needed to do to get myself out of the parental (leadership) stress zone.

But my “self program to succeed” had some repercussions … during preparation I would sometimes look ‘not as smart’ (even though I found a lot of it boring and didn’t really feel like investing a lot of energy on things I didn’t think I would have to work that hard on to do well on) and it would stress my parents out … and … well … unfortunately the doom loop continued. They stressed … put stress on me … I did what I needed to do to defuse my stress so I could succeed … and they got stressed because of that.

So I was a stressed out kid. Geez.  Just typing it stressed me out.

But I would continue to get good grades. Which for some unfortunate reasons did not decrease stress within the process itself.

Second.

The problem. When I DIDN’T get good grades <an A> invariably they would then ‘ramp up’ the stress of ‘you didn’t prepare well’ … ‘you should have studied more’ … ‘you need to care more’ … and that was a different doom loop.

And a difficult doom loop because no matter how smart I was I wasn’t going to get straight A’s (well. that’s not true. I would imagine if I had really cared to do so I may have had a shot at it). This particular doom loop is a sonuvabitch … because it is a self fulfilling loop, i.e., everyone doesn’t max out every time therefore, in the end, the exceptions (the non-A’s) dictate the loop.

So any non-A’s seemed to feed their focus on the exception rather than the rule. And that was additional stress.

Third.

When I finally got old enough … I tried cutting the doom loop by dealing with it (surprisingly my father did okay with it but my mother was relentless with regard to pressuring to ‘do it the only way she believed it should be done’). I finally told them when they got all over my ass “look. Let me do it my way. If I don’t do well then I will do it your way. But until then can you just shut up and let me do it my way?”

This was quasi-successful.

What I mean by that … is see #2, the exception rule, all over again.

If you aren’t 100% successful doing it this way than the one, or two, exceptions become the proof points for failure of system.

Fourth.

My solution (warped as it may have been). Because everything had to be done my parents’ way (education and studying wise) I would figure out a way to do about 50% of what they wanted (and go out of my way to show them I was doing so). Invest maybe 30% of my time doing it the way I wanted. And used the free 20% to actually do things I wanted to do (which had nothing to do with grades or studying).

The math didn’t work but it was my solution. The math? Unfortunately even if you are good you never get 100% right. So no matter how you slice the %’s my parents were unhappy about school and studying and stressing out over tests and homework and whatever so that in the end <sticking with the math> over 50% of all the time with me and school.

(that was an algebraic perspective on a stress situation … never to be found in any school book)

If you didn’t follow it suffice it to say that over 50% of the time my parents were all over my ass just on education <all the other stuff is a completely different post>.

I say all this for a couple of reasons:

-           because I get asked about teaching and unlocking kids thinking potential a lot by parents.

And whenever parents ask me about teaching kids and working with kids I almost always open up with “just because you think a way is the best way it may not be the best way for your child.”

Invariably they ask “so how do I know the best way?”

And I say “you don’t.”

But I do suggest that what matters is ‘if the way you are 100% positive is the way to do it is not getting the results you are positive you should be getting … then rather than get frustrated maybe try a different way.’ In other words … your 100% positive ain’t 100% right.

Now.

I know that sounds simplistic but oftentimes the most obvious simple solution is also oftentimes the most difficult to do.

Second.

Why does it really matter?

We are a product of your youth.

-          It means we can also take those same memories and start generalizing them to similar or future situations, with the unhappy result that we become increasingly fearful and avoid events, people or activities we perceive as threatening to our emotional well-being.

This is a fact (proven by research as it is)

It turns out that fear and anxiety can also be learned and passed on to future generations.  According to Livingston (2009), children who grow up with parents who show a lot of anxiety or apprehensiveness, or who convey an exaggerated sense of the world as a dangerous place, are themselves more likely to develop unreasonable fears as they grow up.

It becomes easy to see how quickly successive generations within a family could experience generalized anxieties and fears but might not make the link as to how they came to be more anxious than their peers.

Anyway.

Store it away. This is probably not useful but I wanted to share.

I know I was sometimes seemingly unfocused and bored. Sometimes I was … and sometimes it was just my way of dealing with everything else around me.

As an adult this now shows up during moments of stress.

I am so calm it almost seems like I am unfocused and bored to others.

It is just my way of keeping everything clear in my head so I CAN perform.

Look at yourself today.

I promise you, yes, promise you … you are a product of your youth.

Yeah.

I admit that I have certainly fought my way through some “product of youth aspects” and change not only my behavior but my attitudes (yes … they are linked) but other things are simply my coping mechanisms to be successful (and keep my head from exploding … which is a bad thing by the way).

Quirks?

Possibly.

Truths of youth? Sure.

athletes alzheimers

October 7th, 2011

First.  Let me state I know Alzheimer’s is bad.  Very bad. So I use it as an example grudgingly but to make a point and not diminish the true difficulties that arise with the onset of Alzheimer’s.

But I do hope to showcase the depth of the point on this whole athlete alzheimers thing I m gonna write about.

Second. I use athlete loosely. At least as in with regard to me as an athlete.

While probably not the most naturally talented athlete or maybe not big enough or even fast enough I was born with incredible good hand-eye coordination.

And possibly blessed with some better than average twitch muscles.

And an innate ability to slow down fast moments within the game (other jock-like people will understand that).

All that said … what that meant was I could play sports relatively well.

Whatever the sport, if I cared, I could be competitive (not great) pretty quickly. In the end, beyond the Physical stuff, I pretty much think sports is instinctual. You either have it or you don’t. sure.  There are a lot of weekend athletes who “make” themselves good … hours of practice and tons of lessons and books and … well .. whatever. But frankly they never look as good as natural athletes. Because, well, its not natural to them. Its not instinctual but rather its practiced.

So.  While I am certainly not a professional level jock  I do recognize that what I have come by naturally is a blessing …  and the best playing is when it is by instinct and not by thinking. I certainly was always better the less I thought.

So.

I mention all that not to pat myself on the back but rather to set the foundation for the pain & frustration I am going to try and describe.

Which leads me back to Alzheimer’s.

I played a game of ping pong the other night.  Or let’s say I tried.

I almost cried.

Its gone.

Ok. Maybe it was just gone and the next time it may show up.

Nope. The natural instinct was gone.

Yup.

A game of ping pong.

I know.  I know. It was just one frickin’ game of ping pong (as my buddy who I tried to play with said).  But.  The bottom line.

Hand eye coordination gone.

Gone.  Bye bye.  Sayonara. Kablooey.

I sucked. And this was ping pong.  My mind began racing toward the sports shit I actually cared about. And it became depressing very very quickly.

Because no jock will admit it … but this is our biggest fear.

Its not getting old.

Its not diminishing talent.

Its not that additional aches and pains.

Its not the extra 5 pounds.

None of that.

Its athletic Alzheimer’s.  Its when everything your body knows cannot be remembered by your own body.  And your mind races to do what you used to do and think what you used to think.  But you can’t.  Because it has nothing to do with “trying.”

It just was … and now it isn’t.

Simple as that.

As complicated as that.

As shitty as that.

As anyone who has played any sport competitively knows sports is mental. Beyond the actual ‘doing’ part … the real battle rages inside the often over circuited, over thinking, overwhelmed by multiple messages, brain.

One mistake, one question sneaking into natural self-confidence, one twinge of that dreaded overthinking, one moment of self-doubt.  Al those one type things are an athlete’s natural enemy. Because they make what seemed natural then seem incredibly unnatural.

Because those are the things that yank you out of the intangible zone a natural jock falls into when they play into a quite tangible “think, think, think” mode.

This is different.

This is Alzheimer’s.

This isn’t about refinding the flow or snatching back what was once natural and getting it going again.

Because there is nothing to get going anymore. You can try and reach back mentally for that which was and that which is no more.

Even ping pong becomes an insurmountable challenge.

And if ping pong is insurmountable you can pretty much write-off anything that takes coordination (thank god beer drinking involves only minor coordination).

This, this thing I call athletes alzheimers, is it.  The big fear of athletes. And it sucks when it actually happens.

Trust me.  I ain’t picking up a ping pong paddle again for a very very long time.

trivial and important events

September 17th, 2010

“The most important events are often determined by very trivial causes.”

Cicero

So. As a self proclaimed “collector of moments” I lined up all these quotes with a couple thoughts in mind.

  1. Life is not as big as we make it out to be. It is actually a collection of smaller more trivial looking moments. The struggle is that life moves so frickin’ fast sometimes that you have to figure out how to do what I call “slow down the moment.” I don’t care if its work, or family or a relationship. You have to seek out the small to make sure the big turns out the way you want it to be. Or maybe better said the way it should be
  2. The small gesture in the trivial looking moment. Okay. Yes. It does matter what you do with the seemingly trivial moment. If you collect all the moments you took a moment and made a gesture in a seemingly trivial moment you will probably get a good gauge on your character.


Life is not as big as we make it out to be.

Sure. Life is a big event. And we have a habit of focusing on the big events that make up life.

Mostly because they are … well … big.

It is only when pushed we remember the moment before the moment. The seemingly trivial event that triggered the “big event.”

And then there are the trivial moments that don’t really impact “larger events” but rather simply let us enjoy the bigness of life through their smallness.

Like if we pay close enough attention we can also see even more trivial moments ….  moments in daily life when we are suddenly caught by a seemingly trivial moment. Think of it maybe as the way an artist can focus an eye on everyday scenes or moments or becomes involved in a seemingly different dimension of an ordinary moment and is able to capture something important from something seemingly trivial. In life we are all artists (using this description).

Life just seems bigger because it I so easy to get caught up in the muddy Mississippi River of your life running its course with tugboats running back & forth pushing shit up and down it.

Ah. Those small gestures in trivial looking moments.

It really can matter what you do with a moment.

Now. I am a words guy. So sometimes a gesture can certainly be a word. Or a small group of words.

But in this case I tend to believe actions speak louder than words.

Coleridge (who, if he were still alive, would be posting shit like this on his blog) says it well:

“The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions-the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitesimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling.”

~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Now. Coleridge was alive in the late 1700’s . I guess I mention this to show that the more things change the more they stay the same.

Oh. I love that word “infinitesimals.” Limitless. Infinite. Everlasting. It has a component of all these.

Anyway.

In today’s world it seems we prefer using short and fast ways of communication.

Texting, the quick email, some non face to face minute fractions gestures.

Happiness in life runs the risk of being overwhelmed in a cacophony of constant uninterrupted noise (where trivial moments are more difficult to not only find but cram in-between everything else).

You even hear it on radio and television where announcers are cramming more words into a minute then you would ever think are possible. It shows up in our language choice and our actions (when is the last time someone took a second to say thank you when they are rushing to get from one task to another). This has nothing to do with some genetic change in us but rather the way life seems to be running us (rather than us running life).

I did laugh about his one a little because just the other night I tried to use a text message to communicate a relatively important thing. After several emails I caught myself and realized ‘short and fast’ was probably not the most effective way … and picked up the phone.

So gestures, simple gestures, are ways of making somewhat seemingly trivial moments more important. Because, well, some moments deserve to be pulled out of trivial status and put into the important pile.

Small gestures can do wonders.  And in today’s hectic life it is difficult to have time to make grand gestures. I am going to use an extreme example here but, realistically, as we look around our days and lives how often do we really have to do something big … like really big … like Shah Jahan who built Taj Mahal for his beloved. Not many of us have the time (or the resources) for something that big but we certainly have time to ‘stop’ a seemingly trivial moment and make a gesture (but if you have plans to build a Taj type thing for someone I would plan on getting started now).

But the gesture. Ah. Gestures. Even a small gesture can show the moment bears a value far beyond the trivial. And in a way it can give life permission to invest full energy down a road of possibilities.

But in the end?

There really isn’t such a thing as a trivial moment. Think about this a little before you scoff.

Think about it by working backwards. Important events don’t just happen. They are typically triggered by something.

uhm.

Something that seems trivial at the moment but looking backwards was something that started the dominoes falling.

Look. I know we cannot treat every moment as ‘important.’ It’s just not possible.

But. Each moment is like a brick in the foundation of your life. As you place each brick in its place recognize that each represents one small effort that can impact the total effort. That’s it.

Oh. And one last thought from a woman who thought nothing was trivial:

“”People say, ‘What is the sense of our small effort?’ They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time. A pebble cast into a pond causes ripples that spread in all directions. Each one of our thoughts, words and deeds is like that. No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless. There’s too much work to do.” Dorothy Day

dealing with aging parent issues

August 14th, 2010


Several people have asked me to write about my experience with my mother as we discussed, reached a decision and actually moved her from independent living in her own home to a full care “cruise ship in a building” senior complex and my move to the west coast.

Well.

This is a complex discussion so I have attempted to break down each phase of the process as I, and my sister, encountered it (and tried to not make it a list but rather give a glimpse of all the behind-the-scenes stuff going on.

-          Having the conversation: getting started (sucking it up and beginning the conversation with your parents even if they don’t want to)

-          Translating the Conversation hieroglyphics: you think they are thinking and saying words you recognize but it is entirely different language

-          Managing the discussion: before you can reach a decision there will be dozens of discussions addressing a wide variety of objections and concerns (and you will come back to them again and again)

-          The Key Issue: you are thinking freedom to enjoy the last phase of their lives … they are simply thinking death

-          The dreaded Money Discussion: money is always uncomfortable to talk about and this discussion will do nothing to disprove that thought

-          The Purging Phase: moving means purging things … and how ‘the purge’ can unravel everything you have discussed and agreed on up to this point.

It is a complex multi variable discussion.

But.

Hopefully this will help isolate several key things to focus on throughout the process and you can land on a decision to insure your parents get to enjoy what should be their golden years (and you can stress a little less and live your own life).

Having “The Conversation”

If I had to choose one reason to suck it up and start the discussion it is that discussion uncovers the timing rather than having events drive the timing. As I will talk about later there is a window of time to transition your parents that is “right” (or maybe better said as good timing as you can get) and it is only some discussion that will uncover it.

What exactly is “having the conversation”?

Well.

First I am specifically talking at this minute about the first step. Opening up the conversation. It is fraught with peril. Suffice it to say estimate 90% of what you will say upfront will be wrong, taken wrong or lead to the wrong next discussions.

But, hey, you got 10% right. But even with the 10% you have to stick with it and start getting higher percentages.

Secondly.

Having the conversation is 2 years. Okay. Or however many years or months it takes to have the conversation. My sister and I talked with my mother about this off and on for over 2 years <or longer> I would bet. Maybe even three. As with anything the more we did it the better we got at it. And upfront I believe both my sister and I helped ourselves out by knowing we weren’t pushing toward an imminent decision but rather gathering information and discussing options for an inevitable decision.

I would imagine the best thing I can suggest on having the discussion is that the discussion IS inevitable. You cannot avoid it.

So. You may as well start it sooner rather than later.

The summary of this particular thought? It’s not just one conversation.  Even in a crisis situation it is not one conversation.

Oh.

If you are waiting for your parents to initiate this conversation you may wait a very long time. They may (but don’t count on it). They may drop some hints on concerns or “what is the plan” (but don’t count on it) or they may share future thinking in discussing something they fear <loss of mobility, hearing, sight, etc.> But. This is simple (if difficult to actually do). If you don’t start the discussion than you will never know what they are thinking and be sure everything is all thought out.

-          “the fishing expedition”

Ok. So in the beginning it helps if you aren’t trying to reach any decisions but begin by “fishing.” I guess it’s a little bit about you and a little bit about them. Of course, me being me, I err on the side of referring to my handy dandy Buying Process thinking mostly because it helps me slot issues and thoughts in tidy compartments. Then I can isolate what is most important and refocus time and time again on certain aspects (just in I have to return to an issue – of which you will).

What I am specifically talking about here is Predisposition and Stimulus. In the initial fishing expedition you are looking around for what your parents feel about options. Where there head is at. What options do they consider and why (and what ones they don’t and why). This also helps you think about your own pre-conceptions of alternatives. This initial discussion will bring up a range of information tidbits which somehow you need to store away once you shift activity into the “so let’s start considering options” phase later on.

You also get to assess emotional versus functional things. Emotionally what are objections. Emotionally what would make them happiest. Emotionally what scares them. Functionally what help or assistance is going to be needed (or do they even believe they will need help at some point). The functional aspect is very important because it helps you understand the Stimulus phase. In other words, what needs to happen in their minds before they would be stimulated to even consider moving.

Lastly. The fishing expedition helps you and what is going on in your own head. What you may want for your parents. How you feel about the options. What can you afford to do. What role you are willing or can play.

Step one is hard.

Because it is hard on both of you.

They don’t want to think about ‘the end’ and you don’t want to think about your parents not being around forever. But. You are doing it to insure time is maximized. Yours and theirs. So get going.

Translating the Conversation Hieroglyphics

Wow. This one, conversation vocabulary & issues, really took some thinking and mental gymnastics to get a grip on. I was thankful I have had lots of experience in organizational behavior management as well as focus group (or relevant consumer research) experience. But. In general it didn’t matter. You don’t get a Rosetta Stone for these hieroglyphics (sure … you can read some things like I am writing and other more scientific things and they all help). This is truly listening & responding type stuff. You may have some things in your own pea-like brain to discuss with logic wrapped around it but you are kind of at mercy of what words and thoughts are being produced by your parents. And in that we are the ‘lost generation’ <that was a joke with a grain of truth>.

Why “lost” in this situation? Think experiential. We just don’t have the personal experience. The best example I can come up with is dealing with teenagers versus our parents.

With teenagers they have their own language and angst and issues that we are completely lost dealing with (or understanding at their level). But. We have been teenagers ourselves. Stored away in the back of our minds conveniently tucked away so we don’t have to relive all those horrible teenager moments are the experiences we and our friends had when we went through it. At least (if we pull some of those memories back out again) we have some foundation to leverage from in order to deal with teenager even if their world and language is hieroglyphics to us.

Our parents? Not so much. We are guessing what they are going through because we have never been there. And that makes it tough because you don’t know how you will feel when you get there. I believe (in general terms) in middle age we are “living life and planning for the future” and seniors “living their future”  … and that future is a sharp edge of reality and time. I would imagine by this time they have all the memories they want and that the only thing that is real to them is the future – or whatever is left of it.

Look. It is very easy for me to say now “hey, when my time is up my time is up.” But when I am 78 do an additional 5 or 10 or even 20 years look a little more valuable to me? Do I get a little scared of reaching the finish line?  The answer I would guess is yes on both of those. And unlike dealing with teens you can’t put yourself back in any shoes to think about it. You are trying to put their shoes on (and it is uncomfortable).

Let’s compound the issue by Depression year’s learnings. Ok. Sure. We are currently in a depression, oops, recession, but we grew up in a boom time. We are so far out of our comfort zone right now it is nuts. And all of a sudden we are trying to communicate with a group of people who grew up with depression memories and behavior patterns. It makes the experiential aspect even more challenging.

Managing the discussion

Think in 3’s. That is what I always tried to tell my groups when presenting innovative ideas to clients. You never “close” in one meeting. In general I have seen it takes three meetings to discuss a topic or an idea for it to settle in and have the idea transfer from the presenter to the presented.

Now. Here’s the hard part with this discussion. It’s not just one idea. It’s a larger idea with multiple components. So when I say think in threes that is three for each component (or maybe instead of component think of it as “parent objection/response benefit”). So if there are 10 different components you are discussing this over 30 discussions or so.

On top of that (as I always tried to tell my groups)  … no discussion is closed until an action is taken. What I mean by that is be prepared that even though you have had your three discussions on say “I can’t afford to move” or “I can take care of myself” and you have resolved it, the topic will arise again and you will need to remind your parent of the discussion and provide affirmation for the decision “they made” from that discussion.

Remember. I said upfront this is an elongated discussion. And, frankly, I don’t know why we wouldn’t expect it to be. In the business world the truly innovative difficult decisions typically take a year cycle. Present, discuss several times, table because other important issues come up and then it “boomerangs” back in about a year or so. Each component discussion you have will “boomerang” again. It’s not a big deal. Just be aware of it.

Oh. Hint. Don’t say “we talked about this” every time it comes up. They know that. They want to talk about it again and seek some reassurance it was a good discussion and decision.

The Key Issue (s):

My sister really nailed the second key issue (or let’s says she identified it more clearly than I) but here are the two key issues I see:

1. Associations with death.

While I fear I am going to make a generalization based on my own experience my gut tells me everyone will be facing at minimum a derivative of this key issue.

Death versus Freedom.

2. Role of Home as part of their identity

How your parents see their existing living space as part of their identity will set the foundation for future decision-making with regard to “where do I park my butt” as I near the finish line.

Ok. Let me explain both.

Associations with death.

I like trying to encapsulate the issue into one word response statements. As soon as you start discussing where your parents will go from their current situation … they begin to think “so, you want me to move somewhere so I can die.”  While you are thinking “I want to get them someplace so they have freedom to live life to its fullest.”

I don’t care how many logical reasons you attach to a transition from current home to a new home (assisted, independent but safer, full care, etc.) it will come down to “My last move. Going to the place I will die.”

Period.

Whether they have the guts to say it out loud or it is in their minds it will be rattling around in their heads as they go through this process. Deal with the fact you won’t ever overcome it (because they are literally correct). All you can do is minimize it. And how do you do that?

Well. Freedom revolves around the concept of assistance, or help. What I mean is “as you get older you will need help.” The sooner you start talking about his with senior parents the better off you will be. My sister and I got very lucky in that our mother had a doctor who spoke about that often (in realistic non confrontational, non ‘hurrying’ ways). So we could have realistic conversations about her increased need for help at some point, the possible timelines for that help and when was the best time to insure she had access to that help (like before she needed it or when she actually needed it).

< By the way. I am leaving money out of this portion because I have an entire section on that topic. >

Timing is tricky. Senior advisers always say (kind of flippantly I may add) “it is always better to put yourself in position to get help before you actually need help.” Well. No shit Sherlock. But this is a balancing act you learn in the business world.

Too soon to market and sit around regretting the rush to be there (and wasted resources).

Too late to market and you get crushed under trying to catch up.

The trick in the business world is recognizing the window and getting through it in the approximate right time (doesn’t mean you have to hit it dead center just somewhere in the window).

I won’t even attempt to tell you what the appropriate timing is. It will be different in every family’s judgment. I am simply telling everyone that this isn’t about insuring you get them somewhere to insure they have the help for maximizing freedom in their lives  … it is also about when it happens that matters. And a doctor really cannot help you much on this early in the process. Because being a doctor often means he/she cannot be specific on timing (despite what we want they do not have a crystal ball) they are forced to say things like “at some point you will need ‘this’ kind of help but it may be 6 months or 6 years, however, you WILL need ‘this’ kind of help.”

Unfortunately that means unless you are in the throes of a health crisis, you, the one having the conversation with your parent, have to assess timing and the window I am talking about.

Oh.

Then there is Part 2.

Home as part of their identity.

If the house is inextricably linked to your parents’ identity then it makes these decisions hard to almost impossible.

If your home is important to you but not your primary way of defining yourself then the transition can be easier.

Our grandfather was “easy” because he worked outside the home. His home was a place that he was proud of but that wasn’t his identify.

Our mother was sort of easy because she moved as an adult, worked outside of the home, etc. She was and is proud of where she lived but it wasn’t what defined her.

On the other hand some people, though they had many outside interests, defined themselves by their home. Their home was their identity.  Top 3 was family, home, and church. I’m not sure if I could put them in rank order since they all could be equally important at times.

So. My sister, who has been through four personal experiences, each a different situation, suggested I outline them this way:

a.  Grandpa was relatively easy.  He understood Mom wasn’t going to move to NY and yet he also knew he couldn’t stay in New Hyde Park alone. He clearly was thinking about it since there was a short discussion about him moving and sharing a home with another relative.  That never got beyond the mentioning phase but it was there.  We had a little crisis in the house selling phase (his town tried to assess him for the fireplace saying he installed it 50 years ago) but I think the actual moving out of the house was more traumatic for everyone else. He was ready to move and start a new phase of his life.  We certainly would have had a completely different experience if this had been Grandma.  I’m not sure we ever would have gotten her to move until a crisis occurred. (See point c.)

I think it is partly generational and partly life experience but what I mean is Grandma never worked out of the home and so her home was her identity.

Grandpa had a career and so his home was a place of pride but not his identity.

b. Mom had been talking about moving for several years.  I think it helped that someone she knew was there so she could see that it was a “cruise ship” and not a nursing home.  Mom’s identity was not her home. She moved several times as an adult and worked out of the home.

She also ran the home while Dad traveled and then was well prepared to do the same after he died.  She also picked where she wanted to move to.  I can only imagine how horrible the discussion would have been if she didn’t like the location she ended up liking but felt she had to move to “a place like that”.  The key was she felt she was in control and was (at least in some part) driving the process.

c.  My husband’s mother never moved to a retirement community.  She went from her home to a nursing home. She would never consider anything like a retirement community.

Why?  Her home was a big part of her identity.  She had outside interests but really didn’t work outside the house after she got married and she never moved.  Also her house had many memories of her family and husband.  This may be a generational thing but we heard many times “the only way I’m leaving this house is when you carry me out”.  And, no surprise, that’s what happened.

d. My husband’s aunt (the older sister of his Mom).  She had no children and had been talking about moving into a retirement community several years before her sister died.  She worked off and on outside the home. Her home was important but I never felt it was her “identity”. She spent several years touring retirement communities and finally had picked one (she said if she had to move she wanted to go to a specific “shopped” location).  She then fell and had to leave her home. The good news is that we knew where she wanted to move to so the family was able to sell her home, get her an apartment at the chosen location, and get her settled quickly.  There was no “where does she want to move to” discussions. We knew where.

Okay. Last part about timing.

Yes.

Age and health matters.

Our grandfather was 90 when he moved.  Other than his hearing he was healthy and active.  He walked without assistance and was able to stay active.  The hearing issue was a drawback but he was genuinely interested in people and life and thus made friends.  He attended any and every program the location he moved to offered. His mantra was “If they come the least I can do is attend”. Was he lonely at times? Yes, especially after his friend died (he played shuffle board with Jack) but on the whole he was the “poster boy” for assisted living.

Our mother is in her late 70′s. She is relatively healthy.  She still can drive and get around on her own.  She also is able to get involved in activities at the location she moved to and thus make friends (and also meet the “mean girls”).  She is slowly starting to attend activities.

Husband’s aunt moved into the retirement community at age 90.  By the time she moved in she needed to use a walker and is quite deaf.  She has made 1 or 2 friends but spends most of her time in her apartment.  Alone. Waiting for visitors.

But.

In all cases there is a close relative(s) to help.

Mom for Grandfather. Son for Mother. Son and uncle for Aunt/sister.

It really helps if someone is nearby and within close driving distance to help with the paperwork (which can be very overwhelming), selling the house, getting financials in order, medications set, etc. etc. etc.

Ok.

Next.

The Dreaded Money Discussion

Remember. Parents moving into the “I need help and what do I do” phase is the generation who were dramatically affected by America’s Great Depression. And they carry the weight of that experience even today. The stories of people who spent the rest of their lives saving aluminum foil or hoarding tea bags and notepads aren’t folklore, but the long-lasting results of preparing for lean times to reoccur. They have lived simply, with a sense of risk-aversion, and “financially secure” isn’t a concept they accept easily.

Me? I hate money (I like having it … I just hate the discussions and issues it creates).

The issue that lurks in the backs of this generation’s minds (your parents): “They want my money.”

I am telling you it is there.

My mother knows we don’t want her money. We have stated numerous times we hope that she runs out of money the exact day she dies so she can use everything she has. We want her to spend every penny she has on herself and her life. But it lurks. I have talked with several friends who have started discussions with their parents and the issue lurks there too.  All you can do is constantly be aware this issue lurks and constantly, when given the appropriate opportunity, say and do things that reinforce your parents’ money is theirs to spend (and if they run out you will do whatever you can to insure they won’t be sleeping under some bridge).

This lurking issue makes the money discussion even more difficult because to truly assist in the decision you have to do a little financial planning. What can they afford and for how long and all that stuff. But. Here’s the deal about the money discussion. You have to have it regardless of whether they insist on staying where they are or they decide to move. Because, once again, “they will need help.” And you need to assess what position they are in to afford the help they will need.

I really cannot add much here other than to warn you this is a horribly uncomfortable discussion. And suggest that no matter what you take the ‘high road’ within the discussion and take nothing personally and focus on the destination not the journey.

Oh. One last thing about money.

Interestingly … money can help you overcome one topic. “Why can’t I/we just move in with you” or “why can’t you move closer to help.” If there is one thing this generation understands it’s the value of earning and saving. If you tie your own earnings or “being prepared for lean times” with the “why can’t” questions you have a fighting chance to overcome it (if that’s what you want to do). Once again remember even that discussion thread is a balancing act. You need to be sure your own “preparation for a lean time’ cannot be construed as “I want some of your money.”

The Purging Phase

Ok. You have run the discussion and decision gauntlet and have lived to tell the tale.  Your parents are moving. Somewhere. The ‘purge’ begins. And if you are not careful it is the beginning of the end. Purging is painful. Purging sucks. Purging is costly (value to actual dollar). I have written an entire post on Purging Sucks and the two aspects of it (the second part is more positive experience than the first part).

There you go. I could provide significantly more detail on each aspect but this is an overview to get you prepared and going. My thoughts are certainly skewed by my own experience but I imagine my business experience has permitted me a little “broadening” of perspective. Some aspects I share, especially in the purging, are extremely personal to my situation but they should serve as examples of what you may face. I will end this by saying my mother is now in a full care complex (I think that simply means she will never have to move regardless whether she stays in her current active healthy independent living space life or reaches a situation where she needs to be shifted to a full care nursing environment. She is still struggling to be comfortable in a more “communal” living environment instead of her own home but each week she seems to be better about where she is.

Hope this helps.

Oh. Lastly. A sobering note. This was actually a thought from my sister in commenting on what I wrote.

“You left out the drama.  As you point out none of the discussions are easy but at times they are downright horrible.  Crying, yelling, slamming of doors, accusations, acting out…all of that happened and will continue to happen. I’m not saying that drama is constant but there is drama and it can be wearing for everyone. There is humor too but that is often lost in the heat of the moment and, sadly, usually what is remembered.  My guess is we’ll all remember the drama a lot longer than we remember the funny moments.”

As we get older and our parents get older … nothing gets easier. And it’s a shame. It doesn’t mean that it won’t work out or there won’t be incredibly happy moments but it isn’t easy.

Good luck.

All I can really say is that it is unequivocally worth it. Every moment. Every little painful moment.

It is worth it.

the art of observation and listening

August 12th, 2010


“Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.”

-          Winnie the Pooh

Winnie the Pooh was a pretty smart bear for a bear with only fluff in his head.

Listening is an underrated skill.

Mostly because nowadays it seems we teach our younger generation to speak up when they have an opinion and that “everyone has good ideas so don’t hesitate to speak up.”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … what happened to speak when spoken to?

Or “if you don’t have something good to say don’t say anything at all”?

Or “think before you speak”?

Of course (because I love contradictions) I am a huge proponent of patient quickness.

I have used this term a number of times when debating with people about “retail speed” or the “speed of retail.” Retail business isn’t about just doing things fast. It’s about moving quickly smartly. It doesn’t mean moving quickly all the time. Being great in retail business is like being a great running back.

Patient. Patient. See opening. Quick to the opening.

That is patient quickness.

You can be quick and still not be moving.

And observation and listening is exactly the same thing.

Patient quickness.

Understanding the value of doing nothing with the intent to do something when it matters (versus doing lots of somethings of which a small percentage really matter).

Of course this gives me an excuse to mention border collies. Probably the epitome of patient quickness. Masters of stillness. Masters of quickness. Masters of unwasted movement.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …. good business lessons one might suggest.

And people would be well served to remind themselves of this.

Particularly in the business environment these days.

Along those lines (of saying things that matter).

When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.
– Winnie the Pooh

Whew. Smart bear.

Sometimes that ‘thing’ in your head is less of a thing when spoken.

And that is why pooh was a bear of little words.

And while I would love to write something here about young people learning to be more careful when they open their mouths in business I find to my dismay … I cannot.

Why?

Well. These days it seems senior people are as much at fault as younger less experienced. And probably even more so because there should be higher expectations tied to their words.

The whole idea of “thinking out loud” or “just throwing an idea out there” seems to have given senior people permission to not think. Or let others do the thinking for them.

This is lazy thinking.

Using “collaboration” as an excuse for speaking poorly thought out thoughts is unforgiveable to a senior manager.

They, in particular, should be attempting that their ‘things’ are more ‘thingish’ when it gets out in the open. In business we should never confuse quantity with quality. Even when it comes to sharing ideas and meetings and “ideation sessions” (which are rarely idea generators but more a mosh pit of egos).

Now. Most senior people wouldn’t look to Pooh for advice.

They may suggest “that’s not my thing.”

Well.

Those who speak should beware.

Thingish things are more valuable to everyone then non-thingish things.

Pooh was an expert on “patient quickness.”

He made moving slowly and thoughtfully but completing shit an art.

And all because he didn’t waste words.

That is the lesson here.

Not bad for someone with just fluff for brains (Pooh, not me).

shakespeare and self esteem

July 27th, 2010


“Be true to thineself.”

Shakespeare

I used this quote  in maybe one of my first 5 posts but since my friend Jen referenced it with regard to self esteem I thought I would bring it back and refresh it slightly with the whole self esteem discussion in mind (as well as my recent rant on advertising agency differentiation).

Let’s talk business first.

I use this quote in every branding exercise I have ever done. I believe branding, personal or companywise, doesn’t start with the ‘customer’ but in understanding yourself. And in understanding yourself … have the kahones to be true to thineself regardless of the repercussions.

Branding experts spend so much time focusing on the customer and doing whatever you have to do to be liked by consumers that they lose sight of what a brand really is at its core … thineself.

I would imagine at its core this thought is about a company’s self esteem.

I guess if all you want to do is make money and be a prostitute, or a chameleon, and be whatever the consumer wants  and do whatever the consumer wants in search of the almighty  dollar then you should go ahead.

I guess that also means, while I would probably lose the consulting gig, I would then suggest ‘be comfortable being a legal prostitute.’ And, oh, (no offense to any prostitutes) expect that no matter how big your wallet gets you will have the same self esteem as a prostitute. By the way. I am not the first to suggest this (at least in the advertising industry). The original founder of The Martin Agency in Richmond said something very similar (I have the exact quite in a box somewhere). But. Those ad guys are mad men anyway.

When I do any strategy gigs and I use this quote I typically suggest it’s like building a great circle of friends. Your circle of friends is stronger if there is some mutual respect and you truly enjoy each other’s company (flaws and all). Now. That doesn’t mean everyone will be your friend. Some people may like you but not be a friend. And some people will just have no interest in being your friend. But in the end … your company, your product/service, your brand is better off … if it is ‘true to thineself.’

Okay.

Personal (and this whole self esteem thing).

Heck, I believe it may be one of the most important lessons a person can learn in their personal life (and one of the most difficult lessons to actually implement I may add).  I don’t have a lot to add from what I say to business owners (above).

Similar to businesses getting caught in the barrage of consumer influence on company image an individual is faced with a similar situation (without money involved).

As Jen told me:

“realize sometimes people just get bogged down, and the external factors are definitely loud/pervasive, but still annoying to see/listen to people play “victim” or blame their upbringing/society/partner/etc on their unhappiness or their unwillingness to climb out of the pit.”

I cannot disagree.

Shakespseare was a smart dude. I don’t think he lacked for self esteem (although I would imagine he had the typical creative artist insecurities lying below a healthy façade of strong self esteem). But self esteem is a tricky thing.

It is made even trickier by the fact we are always growing as a person. We are always gathering external information and assessing ourselves. Part of self esteem is understanding what is good and should be respected about yourself <and kept> and another part of self esteem is partially understanding how to change and evolve and improve.

And that is self esteem’s trickiest challenge.

Be stagnant and you aren’t improving. External factors will remind you of that. Constantly.

So then you go ahead and change … uh oh … and those wily external factors have a habit of understanding that your foundation is shifting and starts seeking cracks in the foundation to weasel its way into.

My first post on “be true to thineself’ may have been too flippant.

Truth in itself is very difficult. Oh. And add ‘thineself’ and difficulty increases exponentially.

Negative self esteem issues are a “pit.” That is true. And I am with Jen on this one … no one should be willing to accept living in this pit if you have a choice.

And I would like to believe that everyone has a choice when it comes to self esteem.

Ah.

But nothing good in life is easy.

That is an non debatable truth.

Enlightened Conflict