Enlightened Conflict

blandiloquence

June 11th, 2013

blandifiquence wordOk.

The word ‘blandiloquence.’

Blandiloquence comes from a Latin word meaning “smooth-talking” or “flattering.”

blandiloquent (blan-DEL-uh-kwent) – adj., mild and smooth-talking, honey-tongued, flattering, ingratiating.

 

Also comes with an obsolete noun form, blandiloquence, meaning flattery. The word is borrowed from Latin where it meant smooth talk.

Interestingly … bland’s roots <latin> coincide with concepts like ‘melt’ and ‘mild.’

 

Anyway.

The word does throw you off a bit. It’s a contradiction … even a type of an oxymoron.

 

Bland + eloquence.

 

“Bland” … without strong features.

“Iloquence” , from which you get eloquence, which means “persuasive … powerful discourse.”

So maybe it suggests a person without strong features … but with some persuasiveness?blandifiquence saying nothing

 

For example.

Chichikov, a character in one of Gogol’s books, is a lower-echelon civil servant with a corrupt past who specializes in what Gogol calls “blandiloquence” or elaborately empty compliments.

 

And that example leads me to why I decided to write about this <beyond the fact I learned a new word>.

 

There are not many things I dislike more than empty words.

You know what I mean by empty words … these are words that are ingratiating empty of any feeling or deep truth <or even simply a thought>. They are so light and empty of anything that they just seem to float along the top of meaningless drivel.

Now.

 

This doesn’t always translate into ‘less is more.’ This simply about words that are empty.

Because truthfully the amount of words rarely matters if what is used … is used well.

 

As for words not used well? Even one matters … in that even one is too many.

As for empty words? Nothing from nothing is still nothing … use few … use many … does not matter … it still, aggravatingly, equals nothing.

Ok.

The one thing I dislike more than empty words?

 

The empty person who uses them.

The blandiloquent few.

 

Maybe I should just call them the bland people using eloquently empty words.

The blandiloquent are vacuous shells, masquerading as people, who victimize us with words vacant of any thought.

You can recognize these people.

 

First. They are bland.

Without strong features.

Colorless with no depth.

Physically they swim hither and yon wherever the tide may take them. You have no idea what they stand for or what they believe in … they have never had an original thought in their life … and they seemingly have gobs of friends … but no real friends.

 

Second. They are eloquent.

Persuasive and with powerful discourse.

They know the words but don’t know the value of the words. In their eloquent flattery they find solace in a belief it is self-effacing … while others see it as it is … a cheap blanket of words to warm the hearts of all they perceive as powerful … pandering to the powerful weak … pissing off the true with power.

 

Advertising great David Ogilvy once said this:

“Our business is infested with idiots who try to impress by using pretentious jargon.”

 

These idiots … the blandiloquent … stalk the hallways of every business, not just the advertising business <sorry Mr. Ogilvy … it has spread far far beyond your own domain> everyday spreading their cheap honey to anyone who deigns to stop and accept it.

bland magic in the headShame on anyone who accepts this cheap gift.

And shame on those who waste words as if they were a dime a dozen.

And … worst of all … shame on anyone who empties words to a point where they become hollow when used.

Words should have weight … gravitas … color … depth.

People who understand this embrace the burden of words.

 

Blandiloquence.

A beautifully horrible word.

And a word we should all take note of.

Also.

We should take note of the fact this fabulous word is teetering on the brink of extinction … the Oxford English Dictionary has retained the noun, blandiloquence, and an adjectival cousin, blandiloquous but it resides on a seat overlooking all that which is often overlooked.

Harsh uncompromising truth.

In today’s politically correct world a word like blandiloquence is too harsh a truth to recognize … let alone speak out loud.

Baloney.

Save the word because the harsh truth behind it should not be lost.

 

the in-between

June 8th, 2013

wretched hollow of the“I struggle to think of anything more miserable than living a life in the wretched hollow of the in between.”me

Ok.

Having quoted myself …

What if that is all there is?

What if life is made up primarily of the in between?

And what if it is actually more important than all the other shit we focus on day in and day out?

What if the in-between is the big epic holiday from Life?

 

For all we could and should being

In the one life that we’ve got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.

But what of the wretched hollow?

The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out? Imogene heap (Wait it Out)

 

Think about it.

If life is a journey <not a destination> then isn’t the completion of that thought that you are always in between?

In between where you were and where you will be <or you are going>.

Geez.

That doesn’t sound good.

In fact that sounds horrible <to me>.

And I imagine to people who have specific aspirations and goals and things they target as “success in life” it is even worse … it sounds an awful like nonsuccess, lack of focus and wasted energy.

It sounds like either not knowing where you are supposed to go <which is something that everyone is telling you is the key to happiness> or you are stuck someplace that isn’t moving toward where you want to go.

None of that sounds good.

But isn’t in between <in this sense> about finding your way?

Finding ‘home’ mentally’?

Where home, in the sense of ‘where I am going’, remains elusive mentally and physically.

And that you are in the search for … well … whatever it is you are searching for.

That means we are all supposed to be searching … well … all our lives.

Ok.

That was generalization.

How about thinking about this as living in between on the majority of things.

Would it be okay to be in between on all the <85%> things but ‘where you meant to be’ on the 15%? That suggests you are anchored on the important, or some, things.

Is that good?

Well.

As I noted above for me that is still miserable <or at least sounds so>.

Not knowing something as important as that seems like it should be in the minority of the time and not the majority <meaning it is okay to ‘not know’ for periods>.

And yet.

If you have ever been to a tropical island … I would suggest many of the people there live long periods of their life in between.

And by ‘in between’ I mean simply meandering through Life.

The majority seem to have left something behind but … well … haven’t made any decisions with regard to gaining anything more ahead <tangibly>.

In my rat race words … they still have not found what they are seeking.

inbetween why am i here inbetweenHere is the crazy thing.

They, for the most part, are quite content.

They seem to smile more <good> and maybe bathe less <not so good>.

They may wear the same shirt a couple of days in a row … and it isn’t some fancy designer shirt.

They don’t wear socks and they seem to be in less of a hurry <but almost always seem to get places on time>.

And … well … they seem to smile more.

So maybe it is just me.

Maybe I am trapped in the American ‘can do’ … or ‘should do’ attitude and missing out on what life has to offer when you spend it in the in-between.

I do know that when I am around people who are peacefully existing in the in between I seem to wander there into that wretched space.

And it doesn’t seem so wretched then.

And I wonder.

And then it is painful <becoming wretched again>.

I want to know where I am going. I want to know what I should be doing. And I want to be doing something purposeful for someone.inbetween want to feel important

Oh.

Yeah.

But they seem to smile more.

 

Maybe part of growing up is learning how to be comfortable in the in between … and not “being successful” and “having something to show.”

Maybe.

But it seems strange to me.

And it seems so far out of my natural DNA the thought of it makes me reach for another cocktail <preferably a pain killer> just to calm myself.

Oh.

But they seem to smile more.

 

And when I see them smiling … they do talk to me about their own in between, oddly enough, it reminds me of Alice in Wonderland …

 

 

Alice:                    “would you tell me please … which way I ought to go from here.”

Cheshire cat:     “that depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

Alice:                    “I don’t much care.”

Cheshire Cat:     “then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
Alice:                    “so long as I get somewhere.”

Cheshire Cat:     “oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”

 

 

Look.

I imagine we all reach some crossroads in our lives.

Some moments when we question where to go from here.

I am an older guy.

I’m supposed to not only know where I am going but I am also supposed to be well on my way to be there <wherever or whatever ‘there’ is>.

Sometimes I feel I have visited ‘there’ already … and … well … shit. It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

That said.

Frankly … lately I wonder about what I will be “when I grow up” <which I imagine is the mature view of ‘where am I going’>.

Therefore I do spend some time in that wretched hollow I call ‘the in between.’

And, yup. it is wretched to me.

All my life I have improved businesses, organizations and projects. And I love doing that. And I imagine along the way I have improved myself <at least one would hope that was a by product>.

At the moment I am doing none of those things <at least on a 100% basis which is what I am used to>.

So what happens next?

I define myself by doing.

It makes you think … what happens when you stop doing?

Well.

Doing what you have always believed has created some ‘value’ in Life. I still think and write and share ideas and help people … but not in the way I used to where organizations counted on me.

Being a salaried employee is comfortable.

Doing and providing value daily, if not weekly, is comfortable … at least to me.

I don’t know that I am that different from the majority in this sense.

Many of us … most of us … like feeling productive. Heck. Most of us like BEING productive <in some form or fashion>.

It is funny.

I had this discussion with someone sitting at a bar in the islands.

Someone who was comfortable with the inbetween.

Mostly comfortable because they defined their Life differently … and, frankly, from a pragmatic standpoint had figured out a way to do something that paid the bills without the ongoing stress of where next month’s  money is going to come from.

Anyway.

Lastly.

Here is what I think about in-between and people and today’s culture.

 

Sometimes people need to be pulled out of the in-between.

They cannot get out on their own.

 

Wow.

That certainly goes against all of today’s “you have to be a self starter” or “you cannot count on anyone but yourself” or “no one is going to do it for you” philosophy being expounded, and pounded, into today’s culture.

I imagine I think of this the same as the slippery slope of Life. The in between, just as the slippery slope, is difficult to get off of or out of without a helping hand.

This isn’t about not being strong enough or not being enough of a self starter … or not even not being qualified or ‘good enough’ at some work talent … some people just get stuck.

And some of those people are simply better at being in the game than in getting in the game.

I know I tell people to get in the game all the time. Take chances and take some uncomfortable risks.

And I am not backing off of that.

But there is a difference between doing that while actually in the game then when you are out seeking to get in.

For example … myself … put me in the game and I will play like every second is the last second of the game. I take calculated risks and am relatively fearless in a business environment. But I am also relatively clueless about getting in the game if I am on the sidelines.

It is a different skill … and a different attitude.

And it isn’t about avoiding anything … or avoiding choices <or inability to make the hard choices> and … it is not even about being lazy … it is simply a different Life skill.

 

inbetween-spaceWhew.

This in-between thing can be quite wretched for many of us I imagine.

All I really know is that the conversation I had made me think and the next day at the same bar I had this scribbled on some napkins for them to read <they all bought me drinks after reading>.

 

I don’t share many things I write personally but try this one out as I ponder ‘what I will be’ and what I will do because I feel like I still have something to offer <professionally>.

And I am currently squarely residing in the in between.

And it is a really uncomfortable place for me.

In fact … I am relatively sure the in between is the wretched hollow in Life.

——-

 

Napkin scribblings at a bar in the Caribbean after a pain killer <or 2>. Oh. This is also probably my first published piece in that the bar owner liked it so much it is now posted behind the bar.

Here you go:

‘tomorrow I was nothing’

 

tomorrow I was nothinginbetween intersting people some of the most

yesterday I was no more than today

today I was believing that which is was not.

in some little place in between everything i hold on to “I believe in me.”

but

makes you wonder

if we ever reach a day

when we can discern the difference

between

that which is

what was

and what will be

and what we believe,

even in me.

so are we destined to suffocate

in the silent seconds

strewn in the wretched hollow

of the in between

where the only thing seen

are question

after question

after question

of the difference between

what is, what was and what will be.

oh, so i ask Life to wait on things

things that seem practical to the wise

as i wait

for wisdom with closed eyes

hoping all will appear on our fingertips to touch

that which is right from the wrong

and what we can feel may lie unseen in the in between

where it all becomes real

regardless

can you count the Mondays

Life thinks of calling me

and doesn’t?

because in the hollow of the in between

I know that i am you and you are me

and in the grey

in between decisions

seek the light of what is right

despite the fact you sometimes doubt that which is

and aim to the left

where darkness beckons.

in the end

departing the wretched in between

is simply what it is

and always comes back to what was.

so don’t blink

or you may you sink into the in between

of what you think

rather than what you should know

for tomorrow was nothing

and yesterday 

was holding your dreams

and today is what is.

——

<please note: I wrote the original for this maybe 6 months ago in a very pensive mood while relaxing on an island in-between – pun intended – working on business projects remotely>

Thanks for reading <sometimes don’t think I say this enough>.

inside out leadership

June 7th, 2013

Inside Out LogoOk.

This is about running a business and the heretical thought that the consumer is NOT the king or queen <if it helps … I will also suggest that they are not subjects of the kingdom either>.

I thought about this again after I watched the following TED.com video on how leaders inspire action.

http://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action.html?goback=.gde_129331_member_8477855

 

<please note: the video is long but interesting if you like this kind of stuff … and … what I am going to write about has little to do with what is said in the video>

 

That said.

Why did I think about consumers not driving everything after watching this?

Well.

It reminded me that great leaders don’t respond … they … well … lead.

Maybe not always proactively but they lead from the inside out … not from the outside in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A bunch of people pay some lip service to the thought I just typed but it all goes awry as soon as their lips close because they then immediately start focusing on “what does the consumer want” or “how can I make my consumer happy?”

Now.

I understand you cannot go whole hog in one direction <solely “it’s about me” with wanton disregard for the people who actually purchase whatever it is you want them to purchase> but I believe too many business people have this equation <balance> way out of whack.

A business certainly  needs to understand its position in customers’ minds but a fundamental feature of a successful company is having a certain stamina for consistency. This is an ability to have a core strength combined with an inherent flexibility to adapt without being knocked off course by some short term consumer “gosh … I think this is what I want’ trend.

 

Good leaders appreciate the value of this business stamina and focus.

And at the core of this stamina idea is a focus on an embedded trust & integrity within the essence of the organization and ultimately its people <who actually embody the corporate brand>.

A trust & integrity tied to its purpose <which I imagine is a combination of individual morality as well as organizational  morality>.

The process in doing this?

I have heard people suggest that this is ‘turning the telescope inside’ where you look inside the company <users, employees, culture, etc.>  and explore the ‘brand essentials – where it comes from, how long it has been around, what the company is all about, its culture, values, personality, what makes it different, and so on.

And all that is good stuff.

But inevitably stamina circles around the overall intent of the process: desirable to consumers, distinctive from competition, deliverable by company, durable over time.

Well.

Maybe.

That’s important stuff but its … well … stuff.

Most processes will invariably pound away on those business distinctions … but honestly … inevitably it comes down to consistent, predictable essence <purpose, moral compass, vision … whatever you want to call it>.

And ,to me, inside out leadership is more important than ever because I believe the business world is finally reaching the critical point in a shift that began in 1990 <or so>.

Huh. Why now?

Easy answer.

Generations.

Change always needs to evolve and people need to wrap their heads around change … and big changes only truly evolve as people implement it in youth <so it is embedded>.

inside out killing myslefAnd, frankly, in the midst of change leaders kind of make it up as they go <as they have for maybe 20 years or so> but now we have a clearer picture of what a business will be facing moving forward.

 

Two books clearly outlined the initial stage of the generational shift <Drucker’s New Realities in 1991 and Toffler’s Powershift in 1990>.

I would like to remind everyone what Alvin Toffler wrote in 1990 in discussing this business shift:

 

“Anyone who believes that we’re just going to leap into some sort of glorious new age is very unrealistic … far-reaching turmoil can be expected, as individuals and institutions either adapt to, or resist, change.”

 

Yup.

More than twenty years ago Alvin Toffler wrote a book called Powershift: Knowledge, Wealth, and Violence at the Edge of the 21st Century which was a look at how social, political, and economic power structures were changing on the cusp of the computer age.

It foresaw many of the issues businesses <and the world> are facing today … and how the business world tried to cope <with far reaching turmoil>..

He noted when he wrote the book that at rare moments in history the advance of knowledge has smashed through old barriers. The most important of these breakthroughs has been the invention of new tools for thinking and communication, like the ideogram … the alphabet … the zero … and at that time … the computer.

 

He clearly outlined the impact on businesses created by the computer <and internet>.  The fact that the entire business structure kind of entered a chaotic stage as old barriers fell and leaders <who were steeped in an entirely different culture & world> struggled to adapt to the change <with no playbook to follow>.

He pointed out that everything reorganized <production, labor, distribution of knowledge as well as how it is all communicated> and at the same time as everything fell apart leaders tried to piece it all back together again … leaders who were learning on the fly and, frankly, making it up as they went.

 

And while Toffler & Drucker walked everyone through the shift … how did the existing business world and leaders deal with the shift?

In some one else’s words … business leaders “attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

<note: that is an awesome quote>

Business book after business book has been written on these leaders … sometimes skewering and sometimes praising … but they were simply adapting with an extraordinary mix of genius and naïve incompetence.

 

Ok. Moving on to today.

This means we are now entering a period of time <almost 25 years after the shift> when a generation is entering into the workplace which is steeped in ‘knowledge as wealth.’ We have reached a point that Drucker & Toffler ignored … the time when new leaders are not adapting to the shift but rather leaders are implementing engrained attitudes & behavior.

 

As I said upfront.

Consumer is not really the king/queen. The knowledge wealth <the company> is the king, queen or ruler … and they provide value to their citizens … without being subservient to the citizens.

So.

Why did leaders suggest consumer is king/queen?

Well <I will rationalize for them because they may actually have had a good reason>.

As knowledge wealth was dispersed to all levels within an organization <someone called it the democratization of knowledge> businesses became more fragmented.

These vast changes, within a short time, created stress and distortion beyond the adaptive capabilities of most people and pushed our physiological and psychological resources to the limits.

Interestingly Toffler identified maladaptive psychological conditions seen in the attempt to adjust.

This adjustment entails forms of denial, specialization, obsessive reversion, and super-simplification.

Oh my.

That sure sounds a lot like what we say about many of today’s leaders <and some of the leaders we grew up working under>.

 

The easiest way to say this is to say that knowledge could slink into any office space and anyone smart enough to use it could become smarter than the person they reported to. It is easy to see that this organization fragmentation driven by real/actual knowledge could easily become chaos … unless leaders put a shiny object in front of everyone that was easy to grasp and easy to accept – the consumer.

Frankly it was a cheap leadership trick from leaders. And at its worst actually could divert a company from its true purpose. At its best … it made businesses money.

Now.

I say this with the benefit of hindsight. It is quite possible that I, trying anything imaginable to rally & focus an organization around, would have done exactly the same.

But it is not the way to go.

And good leaders today have the opportunity today to get it right.

It is not easy and it is certainly challenging.

The big challenge?

I believe that today’s successful business is the ultimate contradiction – personal freedom for openness to imagination and creativity <with a tolerance for individuality> tied to careful channeling and close control of directed purpose and actions/behavior.

This contradiction makes it impossible for leaders to lead in a traditional way <the way they learned to lead from those who were adapting to the shift> and there needs to be a new leader, and leadership style focus, to manage in this evolved business environment.inside out leadership

 

It becomes dynamically more challenging because beyond the consumer is the king/queen trick … leaders were also faced with organizations shifting from a culture of individualism management <management by ‘one’>. This post-industrial revolution stage rewarded people who could break problems and processes down into smaller and smaller parts. This disintegration or analytic approach had led management to think of production as a series of disconnected <or mutually exclusive> parts to be honed to ultimate efficiency. At that time the entire process was seen as either sequential or isolated.

This is what current managers/leaders grew up on and tried adapting to the changing business world.

This is what they feel most comfortable with especially when problem solving or delving into a situation.

However.

The new knowledge system driven by technology <and the spread of knowledge across multiple constituents instead of solely knowledge leaders> began to understand <and treat> production or the process as increasingly simultaneous and synthesized. The parts of the process are not the whole and cannot be easily isolated. Everything feeds into the other arcing back and forth in a never ending cycle.

That threw the business world in a tizzy and leaders scrambled to adjust.

 

In addition <to add an additional layer> we began interrelating data in more ways, giving them context, and thus forming them into informed information as well as assembling chunks of information into larger and larger models and architectures of knowledge.

That ‘non mutually exclusive’ skill set began creating a need for a different type of leader/manager <one who did not exist at that time>.

Want more challenge?

Now the practical business issues I just outlined gained additional complexity because as information, and access to knowledge, became available to the lowest common denominators <any work space> at the same time we began to realize that not all this new knowledge is factual or even explicit.

In other words … not all knowledge was good <or available>.

Much knowledge is unspoken, consisting of assumptions piled atop assumptions, of fragmentary models, of unnoticed analogies, and it includes not simply logical and seemingly unemotional information data, but values, the products of passion and emotion, not to mention imagination and intuition.

 

This new knowledge based business model created new opportunities … and new challenges to leaders.

Toffler’s implicit assumption was that new technologies usually work in favor of the common man. He argued, for example, that computers are helping “thoroughly smash” the knowledge monopoly of Western managers and specialists, leading to a democratization of power.

inside out distribution of powerWell.

I agree and disagree.

I agree it creates a perception of democratization of power.

I disagree it smashes the knowledge monopoly of managers.

 

I believe it simply began the need for the creation of a new type of manager/leader.

And it certainly began the need to look at businesses, and capitalism, as a whole differently <which is probably a separate post in that it is a philosophical crisis we seem to be facing today that is an outcome of this shift beginning 25 years ago>.

 

And I even agree this whole line of thinking totally changes on how we should be looking at businesses and inevitably ‘capitalism’ as it is defined in our minds.

As Toffler suggests: “if the shift toward knowledge-capital is real, then Capital itself is increasingly “unreal” – it consists largely of symbols that represent nothing more than other symbols inside the memories and thoughtware of people and computers.

Capital has therefore gone from its tangible form, to a paper form that symbolized tangible assets, to paper symbolizing symbols in the skulls of a continually changing work force.  Finally, the electronic blips symbolizing the paper. Capital is fast becoming “super-symbolic.” Salt, tobacco, coral, cotton cloth, copper, and cowries’ shells are useful things that served as money. However, paper money dominated the industrial society … today, as a more advanced economy emerges, paper money faces near-total obsolescence. Not a single coin or piece of paper money is exchanged. The “money” here consists of nothing more than a string of zeros and ones transmitted by wire, microwave, or satellite.

In brief, the rise of electronic money in the world economy threatens to shake up many long-entrenched power relationships. At the vortex of this power struggle is knowledge embedded in technology. It is a battle that will redefine money itself.

“Mind-work” is range of “mixed” jobs – tasks requiring the worker to perform physical labor, but also handle information. Since the inception of the Industrial Revolution, big smokestack companies have held a great control on the economy.

But In the super-symbolic economy, “wealth creation is increasingly dependent on the exchange of data, information and knowledge. “With these changes, there are now growing conflicts between the “highbrow” or knowledge-base and the “lowbrow” or muscle-base businesses.

 

All that said.

Leadership will be defined by the inside aspect of businesses. Not just in producing things but rather knowledge capital and how it is managed. Not just innovations and ideas … but getting an organization to collectively think in a common direction.

Leadership will be defined by their ability to not respond to the consumer but rather respond, and adapt, to the organization <boy … there is a paradigm shift … isn’t it?>.

And the organizational power, in general, will depend on taking advantage of the cracks in the process. The cracks speed creates. The events that were not pre-programmed or foreseen.

I imagine leadership power partially depends on chance <finding the opportunities to lead within the moment> and managing human behavior in a desired fashion.

This doesn’t mean everything is accidental. Not everything is random. In fact power is found within predictability as well as randomness. Power implies combining chance, necessity, continuity, chaos and order.

 

Interestingly Toffler suggested, in 1990 I would like to remind everyone, the following <which impacts my thinking on inside out>:Inside out The-Mind-Film-Concept-Art

-              THE CORPORATION OF THE FUTURE – the bigger the world economy, the more powerful will be the smaller players. This is because they are more flexible, faster and more economical – not burdened by layers of bureaucracy. Computers and telecommunications, now affordable to small companies, allow them to compete globally, and deregulation and globalization of financial markets gives them access to capital. Computer-driven technology also makes it possible to produce small runs of customized “higher value-added” products aimed at niche markets. Products produced “just in time” save money on inventory, and they can be quickly improved to compete with rapidly changing technology and tastes. Big companies will break up into confederations of small, entrepreneurial units. Small interacting firms will form themselves into temporary mosaics to be more adaptive and productive.

 

-              KNOWLEDGE IS THE RESOURCE OF THE FUTURE – land, natural resources, factories and workers are no longer the measure of a country’s wealth because multinational businesses can easily obtain these things anywhere in the world. It is the APPLICATION OF KNOWLEDGE that now offers the competitive advantage in the world economy. The KNOWLEDGE WORKER is the true asset because of the knowledge and abilities he or she possesses. In the twenty-first century at least 35 percent of the workforce will be knowledge workers. They must have formal education, possess specific knowledge and skills, have the ability to acquire and apply theoretical and analytical knowledge, and continue to learn throughout their lives. They will work in teams because no one person can know enough to do it all. Because they are the true assets and are highly mobile, companies will work hard to keep them.

 

I bring this into the discussion not only because he was so accurate in his 1990 thoughts but because to me this means the new inside out leaders of today will have more of an opportunity to create the necessary attitudinal shift in business world than in recent years. Smaller organizations are easier to create attitudinal and behavioral direction than larger organizations. Lots of smaller pieces and parts coalescing in a common direction can affect a larger cultural shift.

a host of different smaller business formats will shift traditional power away from manager-bureaucrats in the years ahead and create a new power for leaders <that they not only need to recognize but embrace in order to be successful>.

I believe organizational morality <or value beyond profit> will become the leadership cornerstone within an organization.

And while morality and virtue are developed over time <via repeated decisions to choose what is right and to fore go what is wrong> which typically means there is no quick fix to any organizational morality problems … lots of smaller pieces can be redirected in the here and now.

 

What about laws? <you may ask>

Sure.

Laws can help foster an environment in which virtue can be developed and exerted more readily. But if managers and leaders could be empowered and encouraged to take moral considerations into greater account, and unshackled from the constraint to operate their corporations with an unwavering focus on maximization of shareholder value the cultural shift can happen. And within a generation I believe. Think within a 2 decade span.

Forestalling the wrongdoing of the future can only be reached with a longer term perspective because the creativity and persistence of wrongdoers in the present <or at any time actually> is mind numbing.

Look.

Having spent a boatload of years in the corporate world I know that business leaders don’t want young people coming into their companies who are brilliant but dishonest. Nor do most want to build a flawed organization which will encourage moral ambiguity in decision making <albeit they lose sight of this with a focus on profits>.

And yet we are bombarded with stories of greedy corporate leaders and corrupt decision-making/actions all the time.

Indeed, every sector of our society seems confronted by a crisis of character … but the change can occur within the business world. A change created by the new inside out business leader.

 

All that said.

Today’s’ inside out leader faces a variety of challenges. I will speak to what I consider the two biggest:

-          Embracing fragmented knowledge while empowering it through  organizational ‘tribes’

-          Discerning between desire for speed and need for speed

 

-              inside out leader: Embracing fragmented knowledge while empowering it through ‘organizational tribes‘

 

There are two portions to this challenge … contradictory but compatible.

Individualism empowered by access to knowledge and organizational tribes embedded within organizations.

First.

Tribes.

I didn’t coin this term and in fact Toffler may have used it in 1990. I like the term. It exhibits a stronger cultural aspect than simply suggesting the younger generation of employees cluster into groups of likeminded people.

Because it is more of a behavioral truth if we just say that this generation’s attitude embraces the communal aspect … comfortable in ‘tribes.’ Not full large organizations but tribes <organizations are made up of a number of tribes>. Not unlike the Iroquois nation there are various tribes co-existing under a common charter. Each with separate cultural nuances and rituals but clearly aligned on a bigger purpose.

I began there because todays leader grew up under the ‘dog eat dog’, ‘big fish eat little fish’ and ‘kill or be killed’ every person for themselves organizational upward movement mentality.

Remember … I shared these Toffler words earlier in the post:

“Big companies will break up into confederations of small, entrepreneurial units. Small interacting firms will form themselves into temporary mosaics to be more adaptive and productive.”

He didn’t recognize a cultural shift affecting the generation <more of a community/tribal character> but rather focused solely on the power shift <knowledge wealth>.

As the two connect <a cultural shift and a business power shift> the words he shared become even more powerful … and meaningful to a new inside out leader.

These smaller units are tribes within an organization.

Each with its own ‘power’ to be managed by a leader savvy enough to move pieces seamlessly and have the ability to empower disparate thoughts, and tribes, into an aligned organization.

inside out emerald insight

inside out Emerald Insight company

The new inside out leader will need to recognize the balance between managing individuals and managing tribes <with tribal cultures>. Neither a one-size-fit –all mentality or a one-by-one management mentality will work and be successful. It will be about empowering tribe without having tribal war … and permitting the natural tribal leaders to arise from the culture.

 

Second.

Fragmented knowledge <individualized empowerment through knowledge>

A truth.

Knowledge is the most democratic source of power. The truly revolutionary aspect of knowledge wealth, and the internet, is that it can be grasped by weak & poor as well as strong & wealthy which makes it a continuing threat to the powerful, even as they try and use it to enhance their own power.

Toffler said this:

Bureaucracy is also a ways of groupings “facts”. A firm neatly cut into department according to function, market, region, or products is after all a collection of cubbyholes in which specialized information and personal experience are stored.  The vaunted “rationality” of bureaucracy goes out the window. Power, always a factor, now replaces reason as the basis for decision. The power structure based on control of information was clear, therefore: While specialists controlled the cubbyholes, managers controlled the channels.”

 

Reading this also explains why every leader is tempted <if not actually desirable of> to control the quantity, quality, and distribution of knowledge within his or her domain.

Therefore the internet has created a power shift by taking it from solely under those with legal or formal position and towards those with natural authority based on knowledge and certain psychological and political skills.

It became a leader’s headache as knowledge could slink into any office space and anyone smart enough to use it could become smarter than the person they reported to. It is easy to see that this organization fragmentation driven by real/actual knowledge could easily become chaos … unless leaders begin showcasing a different ability than maybe we have valued up until today.

This means today’s leaders need to be assimilators of fragments.

They need to encourage empowered individuals and tribes to accumulate knowledge and then redirecting or gathering disparate pieces of knowledge into new forms in which the organizations, and ultimately, the tribes benefit from.

The control of knowledge is the crux of an organization’s struggle for power and a leader’s biggest challenge in tomorrow’s businesses.

Compounding the issue is that the hyper speed in today’s world is making facts obsolete faster. Therefore knowledge built upon certain facts becomes less durable. This has 2 key impacts:

-              truth is fleeting <and decision making has small windows of opportunity>

-              business has become more abstract <as knowledge streams non stop into and within an organization>.

 

Which now leads me to discuss speed.

 

-              inside out leader: Discerning between desire for speed and need for speed

Inevitably speed kills <leadership power, decision-making, quality, sense of teamwork, etc.>.

Economics is now all accelerated <even if it isn’t really … we incessantly talk about it as if it is>. And all this accelerated pressure <speed> also shifts power by putting stress, and inevitably undermining, the fixed, bureaucratic chain of command.

Now <taking a step back>.

While everyone talks about a faster world today I would like to point out business has always had a love affair with speed. I would like to remind everyone that the second phase of the industrial revolution was focused on breaking apart production processes <and behavior associated> into the smallest portions with the intent to isolate and shrinking time to the most efficient pace possible.

I point that out because we have always desired speed. But we do not necessarily NEED speed. Speed is not only an addictive objective but an elusive one … the more you get the more you want.

That said.

I believe the new inside out leader will learn how to slow organizations down. They will need to be able to discern the difference between desire and need.

I don’t mean make them slow … but rather simply slow them down.

There are a variety of ways to do so but I would suggest the best, and easiest, is to embed the core purpose or vision of the organization within each employee.

Organizations will slow to think … and assess. And only leaders can empower organizations to do this.

 

Therefore this will be a new kind of leader stressing the central importance of character and virtue in a culture … focusing everyone on the basics … decency, doing the right thing, cooperation and that actions always have long-term consequences.

This changes decision-making from “if it makes money it is good” to “how does this fit within our purpose/direction?” … which inevitably leads to smarter decisions and sometimes even adapted decisions <on the ground> all meeting a common purpose.

It slows down the organization to think a little.

James Q. Wilson wrote in The Moral Sense “Order exists because a system of beliefs and sentiments held by members of a society sets limits to what those members can do.”

Those limits not only provide a moral compass but also steady an organization <invariably slowing it down smartly>.

Businesses, in order to function well, therefore depend upon the virtue of their participants. Any distrust engendered by moral ambiguity raises wasteful transaction and monitoring costs to levels that can paralyze a business and infringe upon effective leadership <plus different tribes will assume different rules within the ambiguity>.

Moreover, moral ambiguity leads to the phenomenon of “putting profits before people.”

Even Adam Smith understood the link between markets and morality. Contrary to his common portrayal, he did not believe that a successful economy could arise from the raw, unbridled pursuit of self-interest. He maintained that self-interest could fuel a successful economy only if it were narrowed by the constraints of traditional morality.

Now.

If you do not believe there is a business benefit to what I just suggested there are some results of a major research study <which I need to refind the source>.

It was a study of professionals in all vocations who did not succeed and why did they not succeed <or even fail>.

Was it because of a lack of knowledge?  No, their education provided that or they acquired it.

Was it because of a lack of skills?  No, their education and/or life experience provided the necessary skills.

Was it because of a failure of character?  The study stated an unequivocal yes.

 

In the end … it is pretty simple … inside out ‘slowing down an organization’ will come down to an ability to drive <and exhibit> consistency and predictability.

And an ability to avoid structural organizational corruption due to fragmentation <and a desire for speed>.

So.

I use the term structural corruption to refer to a specific kind of risk‐taking in which an entire enterprise,  industry, or market deviates from accepted norms of behavior in a dangerous way. Often the pressures of business performance override the kinds of good judgment that managers would otherwise apply.

Structural corruption doesn’t materialize out of nothing.

It begins with a private but clearly stated agreement within a small group to cut corners, to find ways of doing things that appear to be in its favor but fail to account for their broader implications. The behavior then spreads to the wider workforce that hasn’t been party to the original consensus, but which now views the practices that have resulted as standard operating procedure. Often years pass before it becomes clear that the breadth of the original agreement to engage in questionable conduct exposes the entire organization to compromise and reputation loss.

In order to battle organizational misbehavior and structural corruption the leader has to use consistency and predictability.

While they cannot regulate behavior they can certainly, and publicly, manage ethical violations. Because individual violations ignored … lead to a group <or followers inclined to act the same way> violations which leads to organizational fragmentation … and ultimately some type of dysfunction <structural corruption>.

There is a simple solution.

The new leaders will find magic in consistency.

Not regulation and rules.

They need to encourage events which make values substantive in employees’ minds.

And, inevitably, management responses need to be predictable.

Organizations will be operating on consensus not compliance to moral obligations and actions.

Organizations will be connected by the shared values … and the consistent delivery of decisions based on the shared values or shared purpose.

 

Anyway.

Inside out leadership.

In today’s world of pundits, pontificators and prognosticators we seem to believe everything is new and a crisis and unforeseen. We overlook some really smart things said in the past and do not take the time to reassess and reapply the thinking.

Drucker and Toffler were true futurists. They recognized and outlined the real shift happening. The only thing they missed was what most miss … the generational lag.

When a shift happens <like the computer or even the printing press> the existing culture deals with it. sometimes with naiveté and sometimes with ingenious.

During the shift an entire generation not only has to watch the fumbling & bumbling of those doing their best to cope <therefore viewing the test tubes of management in front of their very eyes> but they also are steeped in the shift from early behavior patterns. The shift shapes who they are versus the shift being adapted to be the generation having to accommodate it.

Outside in kind of worked because it not only generated money/revenue but in general a happier consumer who felt important <who doesn’t like that?>. But it also worked because this knowledge power created a newer faster ‘responder’ organization which permitted leaders to be … well … lazier. They could build careers based only on responding and not foresight & consistency … and makes gobs of money.

But.

“If it feels good do it” mentality is not an effective business management style <especially if encouraging individuality and individual freedom in business>.

“If its profitable do it” mentality is not an effective business management style because it doesn’t breed the organizational cohesiveness to balance against the individual freedom.leadership dimensions diagram_2

But the worst thing about those?

If both of those management thoughts are driven by the outside, the wants & desires & whims of the consumer, then the organization will never be centered.

Ambiguity, not just morally, will reign within an organization.

Oh.

Ambiguity in leadership, and an organization overall, is bad.

 

Inside out leadership leads to minimizing ambiguity and maximizing organizational focus, efficiency & … well … doing the right thing.

Inside out leadership is the key to the future successful business.

 

attitude & the impossible

March 21st, 2013

 

“They say Rome wasn’t built in a day but I wasn’t on that particular job.” – Brian Cloughimpossible mad hatter

 

So.

I am not one of those people that believes nothing is impossible. Because some things are simply impossible. No ifs and or buts.

In addition … some things may actually be possible … but they take impossible amount of effort that doesn’t bear a viable return on that effort.

However. All that said.

More things are possible than most people believe. And sometimes being unreasonable in your expectations … and in intent … can lead to some amazingly reasonable outcomes.

Now.

The outcomes may not be the exact things you were aiming for … but they are pretty darn good … amazing in fact. And with this initial unreasonableness you began with … you end up attaining some aspect of what some people may have suggested was impossible.

Here is where I struggle with some results based performance assessment.

If your objective was 100 yards further than what anyone conceived as possible … and you attained somewhere maybe 50 yards short of your objective <but 50 yards farther than what was deemed possible> … how are you judged?

 

-          On your unreasonableness? <someone suggests you should set a more reasonable goal next time>

-          On the fact you didn’t achieve the objective? <someone suggests you were not successful because you didn’t get to where you aimed for … and told people what you would achieve … maybe they even suggest you promised it and therefore did not fulfill what was promised>

-          On the belief you only were 50% successful? <someone suggests you only got half way toward your ultimate objective>

Or.

Does someone point out you did the impossible?

That maybe by being a little unreasonable in your expectations you were able to do something that no one else was willing to attempt and actually go do.

 

Any and all are a possible outcome.

 

A Life truth?

Being an unreasonable person is difficult.

 

Now.

I am not suggesting this is about blindly setting impossible goal after impossible goal assuming at some point the odds are with you that you will attain one of them. Those people are, frankly, dangerous to have around. They waste time & energy and expend volumes of false optimism that ultimately burns people out … and breeds pessimism even on the possible <because they begin to make it difficult to discern between the possible and impossible>.

This is about the selectively unreasonable person.

This is about the person who has the attitude of pragmatic cynicism whenever that person hears “that is impossible.” Their unreasonable radar perks up and they focus a little more. You can almost hear their mind flipping through all the ways that the impossible could become possible. It is that attitude of “I wasn’t on that Rome built in a day” job. They seek options to beat what others say cannot be done.

Now. These people don’t always speak up.

Why? Because they are good at assessing the impossible. They are actually reasonably good at assessing the unreasonable. They don’t always get it right <and frankly I do not want them to> but they get it right often enough that you think about reassessing what is construed as impossible.

Well.

I worry in today’s world of milestones and objectives <and worse … ‘attainable objectives’> achieved attitude … that we lose sight of reaching for the impossible. We are becoming quite comfortable, in business and in life, of playing it safe.

Setting reasonable and “attainable” goals.

I admit … I am getting quite tired of hearing “let’s be realistic” in business meetings.

Real success … and I mean big success … typically comes from “I may be unrealistic … but” type discussions.

Please.

Once again … let me state that I am not suggesting careless unrealistic behavior.  I am simply suggesting that the balance in today’s business world <which leaks into the everyday Life world> is out of whack.

There are a variety of reasons why culturally we are becoming a people of “safe, realistic behavior” but rather than type out a diatribe on that I will simply suggest we should embrace the great unreasonable people in our lives. They will shake us up a little. They will shake the Life etch-a-sketch a lot. But they will be the ones who spur us out of the economic and societal doldrums we seem to be facing these days.

trying is first step to failure

“Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people.” – George Bernard Shaw

 

Unreasonable people, when they are good, make life and business interesting.

Interesting is good, isn’t it? <yes>

I agree with George.

All progress depends on unreasonable people.

Just my opinion … but we should encourage more unreasonable thinking these days.

To paraphrase Alice in Wonderland … we could do worse than think 6 impossible things before breakfast at least once a week. Given the right attitude sometimes even Rome can be built in a day.

But you have to try … even if it is sometimes the first step toward some version of failure.

the 20 things (almost)

March 13th, 2013

Well.20 things

There is a neat thing called the “20 Things” which is a little assignment this small consulting company sometimes uses with people they are considering adding to staff:  “What are the 20 things that have defined you – experiences, books, movies, people, travel, challenges, etc.” 

When a friend told me about it I immediately began scribbling down ‘things.’

It was surprising how fast the important ones are noted.

And how easy it is to “fill in” to get to 20.

15 signThat said … and me being quite comfortable not following rules … I ended up with 15. They show up in no real order except number 1 and number 15. I purposefully bookended the list with the two most impactful in terms of immediate and ongoing impact. 2 thru 14 can be juggled any way you want.

 

-          My grandfather

The greatest man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. A simple kind man who honored integrity, kindness and truth above all. He taught me more about me, life and how to live Life <without overtly teaching> than anyone I have ever known. He remains my North Star for my life. I can only hope to be half the man he ever was … but at least he gave me something to aim for.

-          the pulled foul ball

Sports always came quite easily to me. And then I pulled a foul ball off a Tom Seaver fastball <before I struck out swinging on a slider which disappeared just before I was sure I had the fat part of my bat on it … hey … the guy did win 3 Cy Youngs …>. Regardless. I realized this was as good as it was going to get with me & sports. It didn’t mean I stopped sports … it just meant that I realized I needed to get going on the rest of my life.

-          The Hobbit

The first “real” book I remember. I devoured Hardy Boys & Nancy Drew until there were no more … but when I heard The Hobbit read to me during reading period in elementary school I entered a world of words & imagery & imagination … and thinking of ‘what if.’  It hooked me on books and reading and thinking. The first time I read The Hobbit myself I was still too young to see anything but goblins & elves. I have read it maybe 10 times and I still see new things every time I read it.

-          Diplomacy <by Henry Kissinger>

I wish I had found this book earlier in my life. On the other hand … I may not have understood it earlier. Kissinger writes about diplomacy but he is really discussing problem solving. I will suffice it to say one thing … “studying history is not analogous but contextual.” More people should heed this lesson. I certainly have learned this lesson.

-          Supertramp <my first concert, and more specifically, their encore song “crime of the century”>

I grew up in a house with music. But it all changed at my first concert and especially the encore. Maybe 10 plus minutes of music and film with a growing image of hands on prison bars in space … and I walked out of there in a thoughtful excited daze. I had words & notes & imagery imprinted in my brain from that point on as a powerful tool to inspire me to think in different & creative ways. Music has never left my life <and I have forgiven Supertramp for doing Breakfast in America>. Music and imagery is at the core of how I think and like to express myself <when it is possible and relevant to do so>.

-          Spike Lee

I was in my early 30’s in the audience when I heard Spike Lee say these words about his films … “I recognize everything I do impacts how people think … and even what they do … I have a responsibility every time I create anything.” It changed how I viewed what I did and actually how I did it moving forward. Basically … I began assuming responsibility for everything I created.

-          Choose the Right Word <by Hayakawa>

It was a professional gift. I cannot remember from whom <although I owe that person a huge debt> but when I received the book “Choose the Right Word” by Hayakawa my writing & speaking took on a different hue. A richer hue I believe.

-          St. Chappelle

I grew up in a home where we were expected to understand religious choices but was, in general, ambivalent to religion. I was always indifferently interested in religion. I imagine I just took a pragmatic view on life in which God didn’t really enter into the equation. And then I visited St. Chappelle in Paris <across the street from Notre Dame>. As I entered the petit chapel and the sunlight filtered through the floor to ceiling stained glass it is the closest I have ever felt to not only believing in God but actually believing I was in the presence of God. I am still not religious but I respect religion and I imagine, in some small way, I better understand how God can positively affect someone’s life.

-          Madman Across the Water

The first time I heard Elton John’s Madman Across the Water album I think I immediately stole the lyrics from the album sleeve. The words made me think. The words made me create images in my head. The words inspired me to try and create words of my own that made others think & create images. That album made me a “words guy.” Plus. Every song on that album was just darn good.

-          Suicide

I believe anyone who has been impacted by someone close to them committing suicide is never the same again. She was beautiful, kind and a friend. And she left with an entire life ahead of her. I imagine I felt like I did not do my part to show her what great things lay ahead of her. I vowed to never make that mistake again.

-          “I do not really care”

Graduate school. Case study. “Mr. McTague … what would you do?” Me? “Well … I do not really care.” Flippant careless response. It ended up on the front board for the remainder of the semester. And I should have been hung out to dry. I was technically correct … the point <of which I seemed to have grasped fairly early in business life> is that there are several ‘right’ or even ‘best’ solutions to a challenge … but I should have realized that words … and how you articulate an idea & thought … are almost as important as the idea itself. I vowed to never make that mistake ever again. A good thought can die if it is not articulated well.

-          “do not go gentle into that good night”

actually i can

I have a love/hate relationship with poetry. I am fascinated with how words can be put together in ways that make you feel something inside … but all the rules of ‘effective and proper’ poetry drove me nuts. It was so constricting for something that should be so free. And then I came across Dylan Thomas’ “do not go gentle.” Whew. I found my anthem. Some call it ‘bull in a china shop living’ I simply point to ‘do not go gentle into the good night.’ It isn’t about dying it is about living. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. It was a great lesson.

-          Polly

My first boss. A woman in a man’s industry <advertising> who was in a senior position … and did it her way. But with the flexibility to permit the next generation to flourish. She didn’t know shit about these new fangled computers that all the young people were talking about <this was in the 80’s> but she put one on every one of our desks. She could do the same thing by hand faster than we could do it on the computer but she kept sending us back to our computers. She mentored the youngest, guided the more experienced and managed everyone. She permitted individuality and built a team. Oh. And she set me up with her daughter. Anyway. She taught me how to be a boss and I was straight out of school.

-          Kiev war museum <although I could have put the Holocaust Museum here>

Perspective. Nothing provides perspective in life than viewing death. And not just ordinary death but death in the extreme. I cried in both of these places. I could pound out some horrible numbers on my keyboard that would make your head hurt to express this learning tangibly … but why?

Simply. I cried. Humans can be very cruel if they are not careful.
-          To Kill a Mockingbirdto kill a mockingbird

My bookshelves are strewn with books I value and love. It is tempting to list the best of the best because they all made a positive impact and have been reread time and time again. But when one book is simply ‘the one’ why invest energy overthinking. To Kill a Mockingbird is my ‘one.’ I fell in love with Scout … her words and thoughts and questions. I still ask the same questions looking at today’s world and think of Scout’s thoughts daily. Harper Lee showed us that sometimes a child can see clearer than the most brilliant adults in the world. Listening to the young reminds us of things we have forgotten and they can actually teach us many things through the simplicity of youth. Regardless. Everyone should read this book.

 

That’s it.

I had a bunch fighting for the 16 thru 20 slots but, frankly, they were just at a different level than 1 thru 15. I believe lists like this should be about quality and not quantity.

Now.

I reserve the right to add something if I simply overlooked it.

This is a worthwhile exercise for everyone. Everyone’s list will look different … and some people may actually have 20 worthwhile events/learning moments instead of just 15 … but who cares. It isn’t a competition. It is simply reflecting upon who you are as a person.

This exercise reminded me we are all architects of our own Life. While many things are out of our control … many things are ours to do … or not do.

Is my list done? Gosh. I hope not. “This I am today … that I will be tomorrow.

the ‘Secret’ ain’t really a secret

March 9th, 2013

Forewarning. If you like The Secret … and live by The Secret … it will be no secret at the end of this rant that I do not believe the secret is a secret at all. So read on at your own peril.

<from the author of The Secret>secret good enough

“To create the life of your dreams, the time has come for you to love You. Focus on Your joy. Do all the things that make You feel good. Love You, inside and out. Everything will change in your life, when you change the inside of you. Allow the Universe to give you every good thing you deserve, by being a magnet to them all. To be a magnet for every single thing you deserve, you must be a magnet of love.” ― Rhonda Byrne

 

<not from the Secret>

“Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity successful men act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct yourself accordingly, and you will be amazed at the positive results.”William James

 

Oh boy.

I am going to discuss <rant about> The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

secret happiness chase lifeIt really isn’t anything more than a reformulation of William James or even Norman Vincent Peale’s ‘The Power of Positive Thinking.’

Bottom line. The book to me? Tripe. Useless drivel.

Look.

If you want to do something good … well … go ahead and do it.

If you need a self-motivation “I am happy and love life” speech to yourself in the morning … then do it.

But.

Suggesting simply choosing happiness leads to success, well, that is flawed logic. And the whole “magnet for good”? … oh my. We could only all wish it were so easy.

Now.

While I can’t buy this tripe I do love the idea.

But.

C’mon. If it was really this easy wouldn’t we all have everything we truly wanted? <because that’s all we would think about … and I actually guess all of us have actually wanted to do only the things we want to do … and the things that would make us happy>.

Anyway.

The challenge with challenging a book like this is that it actually leverages from a simple Life premise … … that our thoughts <and ultimately – actions> are usually a reflection of our beliefs and attitudes. And if we want to change our reality then we have to change these beliefs and attitudes that shape our thoughts.

But it becomes easier to challenge when it actually suggests that there is a scientific premise <which is actually a made up premise> … that the ‘Universal Law of Attraction’ is a Law in which if you focus on something enough <I assume this is unhappiness as well as happiness> it is not only drawn to you but actually expands.

This made up law says ‘The Law of Attraction states that you will attract to yourself those experiences that match your beliefs: These beliefs then create your EXPERIENCE of reality. So focus on what you DO want, rather than on what you don’t want.’

Therefore <scientifically> you will not only get what you want … but you also get to live a Life only doing what makes you happy.

<insert a sarcastic “yeah … right” here>

First. There is no Law of Attraction. Not even a postulate or a theorem. Just a made up law <maybe that is it’s secret?>.

Second. You do not always get what you want. Anything. Experiences included. But I can reverse the logic and guarantee all the things you actually do, and like to do, you actually wanted to do. Reality looked at backwards will always appear closer in the “I wanted to do” mirror. And as for ‘attraction’? What a bunch of bullhockey.

The Secret is a power of intention/power of positive thinking a get what you want formula <also like Tony Robbin>.

Here is the deal.

It will “work” for some based on mathematical probability alone <if enough people think “hard” enough to ‘attract’ whatever they are seeking to attract … a few will>.

And, of course, these few are the ones quoted in the book.

I wish it was actually that simple.

The Secret neglects to inform you, but suffice it to say, it is not “attraction” but rather this is more about discipline and focus and effort.

But.

If the happiness ‘secret’ keeps your eye on your own proverbial ball … then do it.

But to suggest it is a science let alone a law with proof <because you can de-isolate specific incidents and make the argument that they are exceptions to the rule> really does make the Secret untenable if not simply a criticism of our intelligence.

It is certainly sneaky. It uses smart quotes <albeit out of context> and the book takes advantage of the fact we all ask ourselves these questions <all of us do, or have done, at some point>. Things like:

Do you ever wonder how other people do it?

How do some people find the courage to follow their dreams?

What makes happy successful people different <or what is their commonality>?

Well. Sorry. The truth is there is nothing special about the majority of them.

secret create happinessThe difference between a person who has an idea and a person who acts on that idea is one step … albeit a big step.

That step often comes down to knowing you are not alone and finding the courage within yourself. Dreaming big certainly encourages you to take that first step.

And to succeed, or find happiness, you do have to be willing to take at least some step. After that? Well. You gotta work hard. I <or anyone> can envision anything … but it ain’t just gonna be given to me.

Whenever I see a quote like “Every day when I wake up I realize I have a choice. I can be happy or unhappy. So what do I do? I’m not dumb. I choose to be happy” I kind of want to puke. Having a positive attitude, or making the best of the situation, is always good … but Life is meant to be a roller coaster ride <even if you hate roller coasters> and there will be highs & lows. You slug it out with the lows and enjoy the highs. No secret.

Now. I certainly do believe in committing to ‘show up’ in Life every day … but this quote? What a bunch of crap <or tripe>.

So.

I had drafted a brilliant <in my eyes> diatribe on how books like The Secret are worse for humanity than even the most misguided government but I found someone who did it for me <and even more smartly than I was going to do it>.

I apologize that I cannot provide the author because when I cut & pasted I neglected to capture that information but suffice it to say I need to credit someone other than me for these well crafted words:

I think a book like this, which makes some really big claims, should, roughly, do the following:

1) Present it’s premise clearly

2) Since it’s a self-help book explain clearly what you need to do

3) Provide compelling evidence that it’s ideas work

4) Be credible.

The book does a decent job of explaining its premise, which is that everything in your life is the result of the law of attraction.

I quote, “the law of attraction says like attracts like, so when you think a thought, you are also attracting like thoughts to you.” In other words, think good thoughts and good things will come to you and if you think bad thoughts then bad things come to you.

I’ve simplified this a bit but not a whole lot as the concept isn’t rocket science.

Now, does this book explain clearly what you need to do? Actually, for a self-help book it does a very poor job of this. How do you control your thoughts? What kinds of practices and thinking produce the best results? The author and contributors basically tell you a bunch of stories about how “so and so did something and you can too by changing your thinking”.

And that’s it for the “how to” part of the book. There isn’t any.

Now, if I wanted to prove something worked from a scientific perspective it would seem to be easy to test this stuff out. You take two groups of people, teach one the secret, let the other go on with their lives and see what happens. In theory those that know the Secret would be happier and more successful than the control group. It might not be perfect but it’d be a whole lot better than what we get in this book. But, of course, you’d have to have an actual methodology to test.secret ask believe

 

Instead the authors cite numerous anecdotes of how the Secret worked. One person’s cancer went away. Another individual walks after a brutal accident. Still another finds romance. That’s all fine and perhaps it’s evidence but it’s not proof. How many people who were injured like the “Miracle Man” never walked again despite the best attitude and trying the approach perfectly?

The problem with anecdotes is that it’s easy to start with a result, work backward and assume the conclusion.

It’s also very easy with anecdotes to only present the ones that make your case and ignore those that don’t (when someone dies of cancer while practicing the secret for instance). It’s just not good enough to use anecdotes for large claims like those made in this book.

The following quote struck a nerve.

“People hold that for awhile, and they’re really a champion at it. They say, `I’m fired up, I saw this program and I’m going to change my life.’ And yet the results aren’t showing. Beneath the surface it’s just about ready to break through but the person will look just at the surface results and say, `This stuff doesn’t work.’ And you know what? The universe says, “your wish is my command.”

I thought it was interesting that the universe instantly manifest failure but isn’t quite so fast with success. In fact, a cynical individual might conclude that what they are really saying is, “when this program works it’s because the secret always works, but, on the off chance it doesn’t work, well, that’s your fault.” An even more cynical person might think, “gosh, I wonder what would help a person who failed? Maybe, a seminar with Bob Proctor would be just the thing to get them over the top?”

Lastly, is the Secret credible? On the one hand, I think a lot can be said for the idea that if you change your thinking you’d change your life.

In many ways that seems obvious to me.

On the other hand, if the secret actually was true, especially at the scope claimed by the book it would mean that everything that’s happened is the result of your thinking. So, when a child dies of pneumonia, well, it’s because they brought pneumonia into their lives. Michael J. Fox, not only did you bring Parkinson’s into your life but change your thinking and it will go away. Obviously these things aren’t true and they obliterate, in my opinion, any credibility in the book.

Not only does the book go too far but most (I’d argue nearly all) of the contributors aren’t credible. On a topic of this scope: the ability to 100% change your life and the world in an incredible fashion, does anyone really think you couldn’t find psychologists, top flight scientists, therapists and thousands of mainstream individuals to support it, if it worked? Wouldn’t there be tons of research instead of anecdotes? Instead we get a Feng Shui Master, a chiropractor, motivational speakers (err trainers), a metaphysicist, etc. combined with a half dozen anecdotal stories. So the most powerful like changing idea ever and you get it from the crew in this book presented in this fashion? I don’t think so!

 the secret big in life-is-that-there-is-no

If this idea really worked, at anything other than giving material to self-help speakers and generating repeat students, it just wouldn’t be found here. The book wouldn’t even have to be written because we’d all already know it and be practicing it. Remember, this is not a new idea, it’s been around for a very long time, and it’s been the topic of literally thousands of seminars and hundreds of books.

Catchy review title? Thought so. Robert Cialdini, renowned psychology researcher and author of Influence: The Power of Persuasion (perhaps the best book ever written on the subject) identifies six basic rules employed by politicians, advertisers and scam artists alike to persuade others. Each of them are employed quite adeptly by Rhonda Byrne in this book.

Cialdini’s first principle is SCARCITY; people want what’s expensive, exclusive, or otherwise attainable. Byrne’s mastery of this principle is clearly shown by the very name of the book: The Secret. We all learned this the first week of kindergarten as we felt the jealousy of watching two classmates, hands cupped over ears, sharing a secret out of earshot.

This message is reinforced throughout the book and its advertising campaign which pitches “The Secret” (whatever it actually is) as jealousy-guarded information hoarded by the happy, wealthy and successful. Whenever someone tries convincing you of something, whether it’s a way to make enormous sums of money, to lose weight, etc – be wary of when it’s pitched as “the knowledge THEY don’t want you to have.” Think about it – everything from the “secrets that Wall Street doesn’t want you to know” to “uncovered – celebrities’ secrets to staying young” are phrased not simply to pique your interest but to make you jealous. Appeals to our emotion are far more powerful than appeals to reason, and Byrne demonstrates mastery of this principle throughout “The Secret.”

Cialdini’s second principle is LIKING. We like those who like us, and in turn, we do business with them. Positive thinking and emotional intelligence has been linked to strong interpersonal relationships, academic and professional success, and good health, but there is a fine line when positive thinking crosses over to unjustified exuberance. Instead of simply noting the substantial benefits of positive thinking (a well-accepted principle which wouldn’t sell books), Byrne crosses the line so blatantly that anyone with a modicum of modesty would find it blasphemous.

AUTHORITY is another Cialdini principle, also in play in “The Secret” in quite subtle ways. Another technique which differentiates this book from just another book of positive thinking is the heavy use of quasiscientific language, which gives the impression that the “law of attraction” is (or will become) an accepted scientific principle, just like the law of gravity or the law of attraction of oppositely-charged particles in chemistry. Many people are both intimidated and confused by the authority of science, a fact exploited by manipulators ranging from Byrne to peddlers of magic weight-loss pills.

Since no respected physicist would ever publish a paper on the universality of the “law of attraction,” Byrne indirectly seeks experts in other ways. She attributes the success of people ranging from Einstein to Beethoven to adherence of “The Secret,” thereby manufacturing experts. After all, if Einstein and Shakespeare mastered “The Secret,” who are YOU to question it?

The last two Cialdini principles are CONSISTENCY and SOCIAL PROOF. The success of this book should leave little doubt it will be followed by more (and more expensive) forms of media peddling “The Secret.” The audio recordings, weekend seminars, advertising tie-ins, and other follow-up products certain to follow will exploit these two principles. Once people commit themselves to believing happiness will come from “The Secret,” they will attribute future successes, whether a promotion or a great new relationship, to adherence to it. Conversely, setbacks will be even more powerfully in committing people to “The Secret,” as people will attribute their failures to not living up to “The Secret” (and buying more of Byrne’s books). Consistency dictates it will be less painful to buy more books and immerse one’s self further into “The Secret” than to accept the whole premise is a quite ridiculous; while not as pernicious as a domineering cult, “The Secret” promises to charge you handsomely for a positive outlook on life.

Byrne’s book is problematic on many levels.

On its face, it’s a manipulative marketing tool meant to flatter, confuse and deceive. It’s also pseudoscience at its best, the last thing we need to encourage in an increasingly technological world which requires healthy skepticism and critical thought. Most damaging, though, is how the book perverts reality by encouraging people to equate a positive outlook on life with a childish, idiotic narcissism. Ayn Rand must be rolling in her grave hearing about the modern manifestation of her objectivist movement reduced to the intellectual equivalent of canned pork.

In conclusion, I’m not opposed to the idea on a small scale but this book just goes way too far and I’m left with the feeling that all that’s really going on is a bunch of people trying to get their name out and get you to pay for their seminars.

do your best boy——–

<well written … better than what I could have written … but I agree>

So.

All that said.

Here is my point.

Do what you need to do to keep moving forward in life.

Have dreams.

Seek to be happy.

Seek success.

However you may define all the things I just listed.

They are all good aspects of “Life survival.” And are all good objectives.

And if this book helps you to focus on these things, well, then use it.

But.

The book is not a formula nor is it the bible/Koran guide to Life success or Life happiness.

It is simply a useful tool for some people.

Nor does simply envisioning success, or happiness, guarantee success or happiness. Someone in discussing this book suggested I was debating chicken or egg first. Nope. I break the egg by noting everyone who gains happiness <or 99.9%> will absolutely say they envisioned the happiness … but I can almost guarantee everyone who has not achieved happiness <or 99.9% of them> will absolutely say they have envisioned happiness. Someone doesn’t envision any better than someone else. Sometimes you may have more drive or you may work harder or you may even simply have more talent … or maybe the happiness is tied to something to unrealistic. I do not care which you choose. This logic kills the chicken and the egg.

Books like this drive me a little crazy in that they suggest they are ‘the key’ … because if Life were that simple well … Life would be simple.

I have a secret for you.

Life ain’t that simple.

Anyway. Because the book uses a lot of quotes I will end on a quote of my own from Arthur Rubenstein:

” Most people , in my opinion, have an unrealistic approach toward happiness because they invariably use the fatal conjunction “if” as a condition. You hear them say: ‘I would be happy if I were rich’, or … ‘if this girl loved me’ … or ‘if I had talent’ … or their most popular … ‘if I had good health.’ They often attain their goal, but they discover new ‘ifs.’As for myself, I love Life for better or for worse, unconditionally.”

Good pianist.

Smart man.

Great advice <no secret>.

Love Life unconditionally … and you will be happy.

 

what did we do before Life Coaching?

January 15th, 2013

“… life coaching is quickly becoming one of the leading tools that successful people use to live extraordinary lives.” – some Life coach

“WTF.” – Bruce

So.

I just received an email advertisement for “new year, new you” life coaching.

Call me naive … call me cynical … call me whatever you want … but what did we do before we had “professional” coaches for Life?

Oh.

And is there a minor league in Life that coaches coach in where they accumulate a win/loss record and then eventually get hired in the Life major leagues to coach?

<that was sarcasm for the folks who didn’t get it>

Anyway.

Life coaches are claiming … “coaching is quickly becoming one of the leading tools that successful people use to live extraordinary lives.”

I did some research and most Life coaches believe “having a life you love starts with gaining clarity on your values, enabling more meaningful choices and consistent action.”

Well.

I may take issue with some of those things. Or maybe I would debate the prioritization in the hierarchy of Life needs. Or maybe I will just scratch my head and say “WTF” again.

Anyway.

Apparently <part 1>… through these intense workouts … these coaching sessions … people <oops … clients> identify what is most important to them and align their thoughts, words, and actions, accordingly with the help of this Life coach.

The coach works with you to identify what you want personally and professionally. And even better?  They support you in achieving a life that you really want and love <gosh … they better … don’t you think? … didn’t they just help you ‘align your thoughts, words & actions’?>.

Apparently <part 2> If you hire a Life coach … your commitment to your life through coaching offers a means for more balance, joy, intimacy, energy, financial abundance, focus, and action in every area of your life.

<sign me up>

Look.

I am sure <relatively> that most Life coaches mean well. And in some cases they may actually help. But before we had Life coaches <who we have to pay I assume> it seems like most of us schmucks had to do with 2 basic things:

  1. Friends. I don’t know about everyone else but I probably have a long line of friends just chomping at the bit to give me some ‘life coaching’ if I gave them the opportunity. Are they professional Life coaches? Heck. I don’t know. It seems to me most of us are not amateurs at living life. Life plays a pretty tough game with everyone <at least it seems to me>. I am not sure what makes a Life coach more qualified at Life than anyone else … but regardless … talk to enough of your friends and inevitably they will ‘coach’ you <whether you actually want it or not> … and most likely it is shit you already know in your own head. You just need to hear it out loud maybe for affirmation or maybe simply because an expert is always someone in another town <or in another head>.

All that said … if a Life coach takes payment in a cold beer at my favorite bar maybe I would hire one … until then? I will submit myself to the painful <but typically useful> coaching from my own friends.

  1. A mirror. I am fairly sure just about everyone has a mirror in their bathroom which pretty much insures you gotta stare at your mug every morning. Maybe even every night before you go to bed. Now. That life coach staring back at you in the mirror doesn’t always say “and, dammit, people like me!” but it is a fairly good judge of character & actions. And, frankly, most of the time that face in the mirror, just like your friends, knows the truth … and what is the right thing to do <or just simply what to do>… it is more about actually doing it.

All that said … I am not sure there is a more painful & harsh discussion then when you take a moment and ask the person in the mirror ‘what the fuck am I doing with my Life?” … but I have to tell ya … no matter how painful that discussion is … it is best made with yourself.

So.

I get financial planners <not everyone is good with money/finance and these experts actually have expertise>.

I get professional therapists <they got snazzy diplomas hanging on their walls and they actually have studied how to help us schmucks>.

I even get landscape ‘coaches’ <they know how to keep plants alive and actually makes things look better>.

I just don’t get “Life coaches.”

As I started with … WTF.

As in “why the fuck would I want someone else tell me, excuse me, coach me, on how to live my life?”

I hated it when my parents tried it out on me when I was a kid and I certainly doubt I would feel any differently now.

Now.

If we start talking about Yoda as a Life coach?

I will be first in line to learn the Force.

Until then?

May the Force be with you <in your life without a Life Coach>.

being open minded

October 26th, 2012

“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” – Richard Dawkins, in “Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder”

Richard Dawkins may be the most articulate nutjob of our generation <by the way … simply being a nutjob doesn’t mean you cannot be brilliantly smart>.

Anyway.

This is an awesome thoughtful non-nutjob quote.

I believe the entire discussion of close minded versus open minded is a great one.

Look.

I believe we all know that being close minded is not a good thing but the whole idea of being open minded as being a bad thing is a really enlightening thought.

Open or closed … once again, as with most things in life, it is about balance. To me it is about leaving enough open in your mind to absorb additional information and leaving enough opening to let out <throw out the useless garbage> the ‘unnecessary’ or maybe better said ‘the information that has now become obsolete’ as you gain new knowledge.

All at the same time keeping your mind closed enough that all that knowledge <your brains as Richard so aptly calls it> don’t fall out.

In other words … don’t lose your perspective just because you received some new, hopefully good, information and knowledge.

This whole topic brought to mind another relevant quote:

“We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.” - General Douglas MacArthur

We all gather information.

Okay. Only <regretfully> some people do.

And we also tend to redirect, or advance in another direction, given what we have learned. Or maybe you don’t even have to redirect because you can stay on the same path but maybe slow down a little or speed up a little.

But not everyone does, or can, do this.

I tend to believe no one actually wants to be close minded … they possibly just find it more comfortable. I also tend to believe not everyone knows HOW to be open minded.

Well. Maybe not effectively open minded.

You can try and listen. And try and be open minded. But it all really comes down to WHAT you do with having been open minded.

I say that because maybe, me being an asshole <on occasion>, tend to want to say “so frickin’ what?” when someone says “I will be open minded.”

Who cares? Because people who actually have to say those words tend to be the least open minded people. Sorry folks … while that is a generalization I will take that bet every time <and become a rich man>.  Yup. Trust me on this … the kiss of death in a business discussion is .. “okay, I will be open minded.” <translation: ‘you talk, I will pretend to listen, nod on occasion, and then we will do what I said we would do.”>

What really matters is the eventual action not the self proclamation.

In other words … what do you actually DO with the information you gained by being ‘open minded.’

-          Did your brains spill out and you vapidly followed the new information ? <which shows a lack of fortitude with regard to the initial preferred point of view/opinion/direction>

-          Did you simply nod and move on as if you didn’t hear a frickin’ think? <which shows  lack of integrity/sincerity by claiming to be open minded and yet you didn’t>

Being open minded is a skill. A skill to absorb … and the skill to not always open so far your brains spill out.

now

October 8th, 2012

“… I see NOW is my moment. Taking the time to listen for the answers to my questions. I guess NOW is always our moment even if it is only etching out one little piece of the bigger picture.

Mindy Smith

People are always reflecting. I guess we do it because we are … well … human. We do it not because we second guess or just want to beat the crap out of ourselves  but more likely with the intent to improve ourselves in some form or fashion. We reflect to move forward better.

I came across this quote from musician Mindy Smith.

While musicians are always reflecting upon their creativity with an eye to “what comes next” I imagine all of us do this thought, and thinking, in our own way. It is not just a creative process thing. It is a Life thing. But this thought really stood out for me because it is about now, and listening, and questioning … and a recognition that now is ALWAYS our moment … if we elect it to be.

This doesn’t mean every moment is a ‘NOW’ moment but rather you can make any moment a ‘NOW’ moment of you choose to <I hope that makes sense>.

That is a really really big thought.

I know many people struggle with the concept of maximizing each moment. I know I do. You kind of want to but kind of also believe it is not very practical. And then you also wonder if you are choosing the ‘right’ moments to maximize. It can be a tiring process especially in reflection.

Mindy <I think> is suggesting you just find ‘now’ moments. And in that moment, for that brief time, it is an important moment because YOU stopped, and took the time to listen for answers to your questions. The moment was important because you made it so.

That is an inspiring thought. It is a free-ing thought. And a hopeful thought.

But. Here is where she really inspires.

I believe a lot of people diminish a reflective moment as unimportant because they are … well … simply reflective <and not active or ‘action-oriented>. You didn’t really ‘do’ something tangible.

She suggests each moment etches, one little piece at a time, the bigger picture.

This is a really really nice quote.

But it is an even nicer thought.

I have always liked her music <and loved her voice> but this thought she shares is spectacular.

This quote comes from a wonderfully articulated, very personal, thought on her new song “Closer”:

“Many times in life’s journey, we find ourselves disoriented. For me, I make destructive decisions that can distract me from my ultimate goal. I think I am making the right choices and staying close to my agenda but I just run off course. In ‘Closer,’ I see the North Star as the prize. One that I am always getting so close to but unable to grab a hold of and then it eludes me. Personally this song paints a picture of how I see my musical career and that I see NOW is my moment. Taking the time to listen for the answers to my questions. I guess NOW is always our moment even if it is only etching out one little piece of the bigger picture.”

I think it is a thought all of us could relate to.

(note: I am going to write about it but her new cd, called Mindy Smith, is a wonderful compilation of music and song writing)

products of our youth

March 2nd, 2012

So.

I often wonder why people do the things they do. Oh. And stress. How they deal with stress. In work life or personal life. Because stress certainly brings out the extremes in people.

For some reason, lately, I have seen a number of situations in work and outside of work which have made me scratch my head.

Stress is an odd thing. It makes seemingly rational people do some quite irrational things (or exhibit some short term irrational behavior). To be fair … stress also can bring out the best in some people.

Anyway.

Me being me … I watch not only because I am curious but also because I think effective leadership is often significantly defined by how you deal with stress.  Because stress situations are “judgment” times. Moments when things happen … or they don’t happen … and are scrutinized within the moment … and from a distance. Leaders should think about this shit. Because I often believe leaders forget that they are always watched … always … as an example of how to do or not do things.

And I often believe leaders forget their actions beget a culture or work environment.

And while I believe parents <who are leaders in their own world> NEVER forget this (that their actions beget a culture) I do believe stress short circuits this understanding and they do some irrational shit (which, I hate to break the news to us adults, is not solved by simply going back and trying to correct it … because the impact of that irrational behavior triggers a deep imprint in a child’s rational mind … and forever stored – to forever haunt not only us adults but their own behavior at some point).

Anyway.

Suffice it to say simplistically that leaders and parents actions beget “how to act rules of the road” for others as the road winds its way toward some horizon. And it behooves us to remember that <unfortunately we need to remember that 24/7>.

So. All that said.

As with thinking about most things like this … it creates a little self reflection. Not naval gazing type reflection but rather ‘why I act the way I do’ type reflection.  And just to be clear it isn’t naval gazing in terms of self understanding but rather learning & understanding to reflect upon leadership, or how I act, in times of stress.

I guess, in particular, I am looking specifically at leadership as a parent (although I am not one) and leadership in terms of people who follow your lead (so I put this self reflection exercise down as one that can help me as I teach high school students and such). But I imagine it won’t hurt in the workplace either.

Inevitably this type of reflection slips back to one’s youth. Yup. Childhood.

Because whether we like it or not … we are products of our youth.

For it is in childhood that the majority of our attitudes and behaviors took root. No … to be clear … I do not believe we ‘become our parents’ as we get older. I believe we become products of our youth (of which significant portions are certainly impacted by our parents – or any significant adult exposure) but it is more experiences, and experiential, and the imprints those experiences have left upon us. Some good. Some bad. But they are there. They direct our instinctual behavior. Sure. They can be ‘over-rided’ with some thought but many times, because they are instinctual, we don’t even think about over-riding them.

Regardless.

It pays to step back and look. Understanding the “reason why I do things” may not change anything you actually do. But it may change how you THINK about what you do. Worthwhile effort? Shit. I don’t know.  I know I think so. I believe it is always healthy to peel back the layers and recognize the “why I do” aspect. And sometimes, just sometimes, the exercise may actually change what you do. And that’s gotta be a good thing, right? (he says hopefully)

Anyway.

I am going to tell you some stuff about me growing up and I am NOT suggesting any of my parent readers don’t know how to parent your child or anything. This is simply telling you stuff and, if it is relevant or useful, use it.

So.

My parents worried about my grades a lot, incessantly as a matter of fact, and whether I was going to “live up to my abilities.” Apparently I had “tested well” as a child and both my parents also had education expectations. That was okay (and I do believe it is okay as a general rule).

But they also had preparation/studying expectations.

And that included a lot of ongoing pressure and nagging and unrelenting point of view on how it had to be done in order to be successful.

First.

Because they stressed and put pressure on every single testing event (especially the more important ones) … I stressed.

And I would purposefully study less and appear to casually prepare … not because I wanted to piss them off (although they certainly did on occasion and absolutely would get very very frustrated) or do poorly but rather because it was my way of decreasing my own stress and clearing my head on stuff.

Over time I actually learned how to manage what I needed to do to succeed … as well as what I needed to do to get myself out of the parental (leadership) stress zone.

But my “self program to succeed” had some repercussions … during preparation I would sometimes look ‘not as smart’ (even though I found a lot of it boring and didn’t really feel like investing a lot of energy on things I didn’t think I would have to work that hard on to do well on) and it would stress my parents out … and … well … unfortunately the doom loop continued. They stressed … put stress on me … I did what I needed to do to defuse my stress so I could succeed … and they got stressed because of that.

So I was a stressed out kid. Geez.  Just typing it stressed me out.

But I would continue to get good grades. Which for some unfortunate reasons did not decrease stress within the process itself.

Second.

The problem. When I DIDN’T get good grades <an A> invariably they would then ‘ramp up’ the stress of ‘you didn’t prepare well’ … ‘you should have studied more’ … ‘you need to care more’ … and that was a different doom loop.

And a difficult doom loop because no matter how smart I was I wasn’t going to get straight A’s (well. that’s not true. I would imagine if I had really cared to do so I may have had a shot at it). This particular doom loop is a sonuvabitch … because it is a self fulfilling loop, i.e., everyone doesn’t max out every time therefore, in the end, the exceptions (the non-A’s) dictate the loop.

So any non-A’s seemed to feed their focus on the exception rather than the rule. And that was additional stress.

Third.

When I finally got old enough … I tried cutting the doom loop by dealing with it (surprisingly my father did okay with it but my mother was relentless with regard to pressuring to ‘do it the only way she believed it should be done’). I finally told them when they got all over my ass “look. Let me do it my way. If I don’t do well then I will do it your way. But until then can you just shut up and let me do it my way?”

This was quasi-successful.

What I mean by that … is see #2, the exception rule, all over again.

If you aren’t 100% successful doing it this way than the one, or two, exceptions become the proof points for failure of system.

Fourth.

My solution (warped as it may have been). Because everything had to be done my parents’ way (education and studying wise) I would figure out a way to do about 50% of what they wanted (and go out of my way to show them I was doing so). Invest maybe 30% of my time doing it the way I wanted. And used the free 20% to actually do things I wanted to do (which had nothing to do with grades or studying).

The math didn’t work but it was my solution. The math? Unfortunately even if you are good you never get 100% right. So no matter how you slice the %’s my parents were unhappy about school and studying and stressing out over tests and homework and whatever so that in the end <sticking with the math> over 50% of all the time with me and school.

(that was an algebraic perspective on a stress situation … never to be found in any school book)

If you didn’t follow it suffice it to say that over 50% of the time my parents were all over my ass just on education <all the other stuff is a completely different post>.

I say all this for a couple of reasons:

-           because I get asked about teaching and unlocking kids thinking potential a lot by parents.

And whenever parents ask me about teaching kids and working with kids I almost always open up with “just because you think a way is the best way it may not be the best way for your child.”

Invariably they ask “so how do I know the best way?”

And I say “you don’t.”

But I do suggest that what matters is ‘if the way you are 100% positive is the way to do it is not getting the results you are positive you should be getting … then rather than get frustrated maybe try a different way.’ In other words … your 100% positive ain’t 100% right.

Now.

I know that sounds simplistic but oftentimes the most obvious simple solution is also oftentimes the most difficult to do.

Second.

Why does it really matter?

We are a product of your youth.

-          It means we can also take those same memories and start generalizing them to similar or future situations, with the unhappy result that we become increasingly fearful and avoid events, people or activities we perceive as threatening to our emotional well-being.

This is a fact (proven by research as it is)

It turns out that fear and anxiety can also be learned and passed on to future generations.  According to Livingston (2009), children who grow up with parents who show a lot of anxiety or apprehensiveness, or who convey an exaggerated sense of the world as a dangerous place, are themselves more likely to develop unreasonable fears as they grow up.

It becomes easy to see how quickly successive generations within a family could experience generalized anxieties and fears but might not make the link as to how they came to be more anxious than their peers.

Anyway.

Store it away. This is probably not useful but I wanted to share.

I know I was sometimes seemingly unfocused and bored. Sometimes I was … and sometimes it was just my way of dealing with everything else around me.

As an adult this now shows up during moments of stress.

I am so calm it almost seems like I am unfocused and bored to others.

It is just my way of keeping everything clear in my head so I CAN perform.

Look at yourself today.

I promise you, yes, promise you … you are a product of your youth.

Yeah.

I admit that I have certainly fought my way through some “product of youth aspects” and change not only my behavior but my attitudes (yes … they are linked) but other things are simply my coping mechanisms to be successful (and keep my head from exploding … which is a bad thing by the way).

Quirks?

Possibly.

Truths of youth? Sure.

Enlightened Conflict