This is a REALLY long post but there are REALLY too many bowl games, and I ain’t gonna short change one. I am going to make the call on every one. I promise no in-depth analysis and in fact I let my border collie select a couple where dog mascots were involved.
College football is awesome despite the 94 bowl games.
I love college football. College basketball just has so many damn games it’s hard to know what is really important until NCAA tournament time. And pro sports are just so passionless and teamless to me. This season started out gangbusters with all those supposed top ten teams getting kicked around every weekend. Every weekend seemed to have at least one great game. Having TCU and Cincinnati going undefeated as well as each of them going out and beating some non-conference, pretty high profile teams was awesome.
So. Let’s go bowling. here are my warped view predictions for all 94 (really 34) bowl games (note: because some games are complete they are easier to predict):
New Mexico Bowl: Wyoming vs. Fresno State
It is the day of the Cowboys. Saints go down to the ‘Boys. Bulldogs wrassled to ground by Cowboys. Wyoming is so happy to be out of Wyoming they drag the game out as long as they can (unfortunately for them only two overtimes). I am not sure anyone watched the game.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Rutgers vs. Central Florida
The Scarlet Knights had to win because they were playing a religious defender role of St. Petersburg – the patron saint of blue hairs. The seniors across the United States rejoice with a Rutgers win but bemoan the cut back of Medicare in the Senate. Fair trade off for all who can remember what the trade off was in the beginning.
(Editor’s note: This prediction was written on Monday, before Middle Tenn. beat Southern Miss. 42-32.) This game is being played tonight…but…Brett Favre played at Southern Miss. Oh. And Middle Tennessee are the Blue Balls…oops…I mean Blue Raiders…huh? Southern Mississippi easy. But. Regardless. There are too many vowels in this bowl game.
Las Vegas Bowl: Brigham Young vs. Oregon State (8:00 pm EST Tue Dec 22, 2009)
Cougars versus Beavers. C’mon. No brainer. But, uh oh. Mormons visit Sin City. This looked like an easy pick judging by mascots but Oregon State recruits some “professional escorts” to be cheerleaders, BYU is significantly distracted (and actually pick out several second and third wives during the game) and the Beavers damn BYU to a loss.
Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. California (8:00 pm EST Wed Dec 23, 2009)
Cal attended the class that reminded them eating Poinsettias is poisonous. That gets them off on the right foot at the pregame banquet. But then the actual game arrives. Utes have arrows. Bears get shot by arrows. Bears become pincushion for Utes’ target practice and become rug in main lobby of Poinsettia headquarters.
Hawaii Bowl: SMU vs. Nevada (8:00 pm EST Thu Dec 24, 2009)
Both teams drive the road to Hilo, get stoned out of their minds on some great Hawaii grass, start wearing hula skirts and drive the trainers crazy during the game with their ongoing munchies. Mustangs cannot keep their noses out of the feedbag all game long and Nevada shakes off the grass skirts long enough to run into the end zone more than SMU to pull off the Ganja Bowl win.
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Ohio vs. Marshall (1:00 pm EST Sat Dec 26, 2009)
OMG. Who cares? Pizza pizza. That’s all I can say. There will be a Thundering Herd toward the closest Little Caesars after the game so they can have extra pepperoni to take the sting off of losing to a team called Ohio without State after it.
Meineke Bowl: North Carolina vs. Pittsburgh (4:30 pm EST Sat Dec 26, 2009)
C’mon. This is a no brainer. The winner gets free mufflers. North Carolina has horse & buggies. Pennsylvania makes cars. And. Pittsburgh can melt them down and rejuvenate the city economy. Oh. And let me remind everyone if Pitt had won their game against Cincinnati they would be in a BCS game. How far the Cats have fallen. But the mufflers prove motivation to drive to victory.