Enlightened Conflict

цветы необычайной красоты & mashkawizii

November 30th, 2012

The two words … one Russian and one Ojibwe <Chippewa> mean …

цветы необычайной красоты

translation: “flowers of unusual beauty”

<note: these words are pulled from a random piece of Russian poetry … or maybe a very old song … I am not sure which … in which the full line is “and in the neutral zone … flowers of unusual beauty …” … it is a metaphorical reference to the beauty of fragile freedom that lies within the space between old West Germany and East Germany>

Mashkawizii

translation: “strong … inner strength”

I selected these two to talk about character.

And to spend a minute on what lies within each of us … and the secret to Life.

Why?

Well. I had to pick up a copy of The Secret in order to have a quasi intelligent conversation with a friend of mine <I will probably do a separate post on The Secret … and ask my friend to not read it>.

Suffice it to say I believe, despite what the books says, there is no one secret to Life <in fact … I wrote something a while back on this … http://brucemctague.com/no-secret-to-life>.

The secret actually is finding the key that unlocks your own inner strength, or inner character or inner passion … or <to keep with the thought> … the key that opens the door to your own flowers of unusual beauty.

Yup. The secret is finding the flowers of unusual beauty that lie within your own walls and give them freedom to prosper in the light of day.

The secret is finding your ‘mashkawizii’ … the strength that lies within you.

And this is a very personal individualist thing.

It is not a formula and most likely not replicable <therefore I cannot write a book telling anyone what the ‘one thing’ is>.

Which makes this topic tough.

Because Life can be really really tough on us.

Relentless in fact.

But inside everyone … and, yes, I mean everyone … there is a flower of unusual beauty and strength.

No book will tell you the secret to unlocking it.

I kind of even doubt a person can tell you the secret to unlocking it.

Only one person has the key … yup … yourself.

Now.

I am not suggesting this is easy … nor do I believe you always get it right the first time. Because sometimes it gets pretty dark inside as doubts & insecurities cluster around like shadows following closely on your footsteps as you look in the corners for what you seek. In addition it is kind of like a Rubiks cube of shifting thoughts and ideas inside you as you experience things. All of it makes this difficult … but I imagine secrets to life wouldn’t be easy if they were actually worthwhile to figure out.

Oh. And sometimes you find people who just don’t believe they have this inner strength or flower of beauty.

I feel very very safe in giving this one piece of advice … if you run into one of these people … stop … and tell them they are wrong. 100% wrong.

It is there.

They just haven’t recognized it yet.

But. Everyone has it.

Everyone.

No matter how hard Life has been … and hardened the walls of doubts, despair and disappointments … within your walls there remains … well … цветы необычайной красоты … a flower of unusual beauty.

Mashkawizii or цветы необычайной красоты … it is within you and worth finding.

I call it character <probably because I am neither Ojibwe nor Russian>.

Now.

While The Secret suggests happiness <or ‘attitude’> is the key to life & success … well … I cannot guarantee that for you if you focus on my thought.

Nope. Sorry.

What I can guarantee is that your happy’s will be really good and meaningful because they are a reflection of what is within. Your happy moments will always be full & have depth.

Oh.

And I think I can guarantee <this is not a price back guarantee though> that your un-happy’s will be liveable. They won’t kill you. Maybe better said … you will have the mashkawizii to be strong and hold on <without losing yourself in the process> until Life decides to move along to the next phase. Like I suggested on happy moments <full> … in the darkest unhappy moments you will never completely empty.

But that is just what I think.

And please do not tell me a book can give you the secret to Life.

<update here because someone reminded me I was a little harsh on The Secret>.

Now. While I just said I do not want anyone telling me a book can give you “the secret” to Life … I will add <and I am very consistent on this> … I do not believe people should foolishly and blindly pursue ‘get rich fast’ tricks to Life but I also believe that people need to do what they need to do to get through Life.

So … if The Secret gets you closer to where you want to go … use it.

Heck. Use any book <I suggest the Bible, Torah or Koran provides a nice possible foundation to start with> that helps you. Be smart about it … but do what you gotta do to get your head straight.

poor self esteem is an equal opportunity employer

October 29th, 2012

According to recent Dove Global research, only 11% of girls worldwide are comfortable using the word “beautiful” to describe themselves. In fact, when girls feel bad about their looks, more than 70% (age 15-17) avoid normal daily activities, such as attending school, going to the doctor, or even giving their opinion.

So.

While poor self esteem may be an equal opportunity employer it seems like it is making a concerted effort to recruit the female population … and begin the recruiting at a fairly young age. Let’s say about 13 is what poor self-esteem has identified as the key recruiting age.

We have all heard of the terms self-concept, self-image or self-esteem.

Simplistically.

Self-esteem is a measure of how you feel about yourself. Good self-esteem is when you have a favorable opinion or judgment about yourself and, ultimately, liking and respecting yourself.

Now. While self-esteem is important to everyone I tend to believe it is especially important to pay attention to <we adults> because Life can be a little harsh toward young girls and, eventually, women <by the way … contrary to popular belief, research has shown that there are no significant differences in the way boys and girls feel about themselves during those periods of development>.

And the truth is (and I do have research … but this just seems like common sense) that the longer you feel unappreciated and taken advantage of, the worse you will feel about yourself <especially when you aren’t in a relationship where someone appreciates you> but, in general, the worse you will feel about yourself when you are alone … that alone time where your thoughts gnaw at you.

I admit I get a little pissed off when I view low self esteem in young girls, and those young girls who have turned into women, because it is needless. Not that we can solve all self-esteem issues but we can certainly take significant steps at key moments in a young girl’s life to manage it … if not even completely head off self esteem issues.

All that said let me highlight what one company is doing to address this.

Dove and the Dove girl’s self-esteem campaign.

And it is brilliant not because it will sell one bar of Dove soap <it may … but I will leave all that analysis to the brand building experts> but rather because it is a great example of the right brand offering the right message with the right objective. And doing what is … well … right.

Let me begin with the video that kicked off this Dove self esteem fun initiative. It is called “onslaught:”

Dove Onslaught: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJN-3yTr3KU

Okay. After watching that video do we doubt this factoid?:

“72% of all girls say they feel pressure to be beautiful.”

<note: everyone should read the guest post my friend Jen wrote called ‘all dolled up’ which also points ot the messaging in women’s magazine which I also believe feeds into this issue> http://brucemctague.com/all-dollop-ed-up-with-no-place-to-go-2’>

Now.

Dove. A bunch of people will probably write about how this is a smart marketing idea (consistent with brand, establishes the product positively with a young audience, bla, bla, bla) so I will write about how this is just a good human idea.

Self esteem in youth is tricky in general. Young girls? Exponentially trickier. If you can solve it (or at least manage it) the benefits carry over into a healthier adulthood. And that is why I love this campaign as a human idea.

And let me say that the web video is something they should be proud of. I cannot imagine the political maze and how many meetings they must have had with corporate communications (remember…Dove is a Unilever brand) discussing risk and crisis management and media relations and all the crap everyone worries about when you actually take a stand on something. The video takes the issue head on.

I also like that it does a couple things:

- Mainly it opens the discussion

- They make the discussion about perfection within the imperfections

- and it also takes on society pressure head on <and Dove is part of a health & beauty company for gods sake>. The campaign aims to boost self-esteem by reshaping the definitions of beauty forced on viewers by the beauty industry.

Now.

I am not suggesting appearance is the only self-esteem issue that should be discussed but feeling comfortable in your own skin is especially important to young girls. Research shows that it is around the age 13 when self-esteem and appearance reaches a critical point. Let us call it a defining moment in their lives.

Bottom line is that it is wrong to tell CHILDREN (not just girls) that “this person is attractive, therefore, this person is better than you and you will never be attractive as long as you don’t look like this person.”

Look.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make yourself pretty as long as you’re not going to extreme lengths like most of the beauty industry promotes.

Being comfortable with your appearance, and not feeling odd or even simply ‘unusual’ is important because having a good self-esteem is needed in youth both today and tomorrow.

I tend to believe we all see young girls struggle with confidence and perception issues as they move into this tween period. It is a tough time in many ways. The crossover from being just a girl to a maturing young tween.

Yes, I know adult women have these issues too, but I would argue the root of the issues resides somewhere in their past. I think the series of videos Dove produced do a great job of gaining attention and making adult women aware of the program … and hopefully remind them they can do something to insure it doesn’t happen to tomorrow’s future female generation.

Dove Self Esteem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIe0FSvnycY

Every girl, yes, every girl <traditionally pretty or nontraditionally pretty> will go through a phase where self-image and self-esteem are questioned and molded. During this self-examination phase it is important to establish a healthy sense of self-worth and maintain well-being. Unfortunately I believe we need to proactively cultivate and engage the activities and relationships that will build up rather than tear down. Yes. We need to ‘proactively’ take steps. Because, left alone, society will kill self esteem with a death of a thousand cuts.

We need to proactively remind all young girls that they have strengths and weakness, and it’s important to begin focusing on the positive attributes and start building from there. And even if it is difficult to see these strengths (and it becomes easy to suggest to yourself … well … that isn’t really a strength … someone is a lot better at it then I am … but that’s not the point) we need to remind, and teach, young girls to grab onto their own strengths and hold onto them. And that is a responsibility we adults need to assume <because society will not>. Silence just will not hack it in this case. If you let that ever-hyperactive tween mind wrestle with the doubts and societal cuts it is a self-esteem accident waiting to happen.

One Tree Hill Brooke

Anyway.

This topic also reminded me of a One Tree Hill episode in which each of the students as a class assignment had to define themselves. One of the characters, Brooke, who is smart, beautiful, popular who only defines herself through the negative … through her ‘self seen’ flaws … finally, with the help of a friend/classmate, sees herself in a different, more positive/stronger, way.

I am not recommending everyone watch One Tree Hill <although this one episode is a defining episode> but it points out that self awareness leads to addressing self esteem issues <and, in her case, leads to a happy ending>.

“What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”

“The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.” – Maslow

Now.

Does this end up being an example of maybe ‘are we teaching them they are better than someone else’? Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no. sometimes they are actually better and sometimes not. But it doesn’t matter. We are teaching them they are what they are good at and it is okay to understand that being good at something doesn’t mean you are the “best’ but rather you are good at something. We end up teaching them to work with whatever their strengths and natural abilities are.

————

Research factoid:

- Researchers at the University of Basel in Switzerland made this finding after analyzing U.S. survey data of more than 7,000 young adults from 1994 to 2008. The participants ranged in age from 14 to 30 years. Over the course of 14 years, the study authors examined how five personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism) affected the youth’s self-esteem. In addition, the researchers also looked at the participants’ sense of life mastery, risk-taking tendencies, gender, ethnicity, health and income. “We tested for factors that we thought would have an impact on how self-esteem develops … understanding the trajectory of self-esteem is important to pinpointing and timing interventions that could improve people’s self-esteem.”

The researchers found that conscientiousness, emotional stability, a feeling of mastery and being extraverted are key to predicting the direction a person’s self-esteem will take as they grow up, and that income did not affect this course.

—————

Why do I believe we really need to get our shit together in helping tweens <say 11 til 14 in particular> in dealing with self esteem?

Well. Several things make you the person you are today. Confidence and self esteem and emotional intelligence. And you aren’t given these things when you are born. You accumulate them and they grow into what you “have” as time goes on.

Our self-image is an accumulation of years. From childhood on on we collect ideas of how smart we are or how non-smart, whether we are confident or have specific fears, we decide how we look in comparison to our peers and the list goes on and on. Oh. And then society steps up to the plate. And they pile on to everything you have stored in your head.

(insert you are not good enough image)

Basically our entire self-image has been made up from all our experiences throughout our childhood. We carry these beliefs, whether they have any truth to them or not, into the post-tween years and into adullthood. And at the core of whether we are happy or sad people, successful or unsuccessful, is our self esteem and self image. It is true we are what we believe we should be.

People with low self-esteem have a very distorted image of themselves. In a book called ‘Self-Esteem’ <McKay and Fanning> they use the analogy of a circus mirror where all our assets are minimized or twisted, and all our defects are magnified.

Youth or childhood certainly plays an integral role. This is what makes up the differences of people in society, for some their self-image has been molded and shaped in a very positive way. Yet for others it can be drastically damaged through destructive criticism received throughout their childhood.

All adults play a big role in the person’s development. Yes. All adults.

Okay. The role of appearance in the self esteem issue?

I actually think of all this as ‘abusive verbal experiences <’you look different’>’ which join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem. This kind of subtle abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless … or certainly that they are not even close to being the best.

And I bring up verbal abuse because many women believe that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman has put it, “words scarred my soul.”

And women whose abuse started as children have the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.

Poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with low self esteem don’t go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don’t think they’re worth the time.

Relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don’t deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve.

Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter. The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.

And it bleeds into the workplace where women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up.

Well. that was depressing to write.

And even more depressing? We can do something about it … but we don’t seem to do anything.

I say all this to say the obvious … building self esteem at a young age is important because people with high self-esteem tend to do well and achieve success in their life because they feel confident about themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and socially.

It is a truth, a fact as it were, that no one goes through life unscathed. Poor self esteem is an equal opportunity employer.

Okay. We can do something about this.

I am going to focus on adults here. I will being with something someone wrote:

Life is a hard situation but one sure way a parent can help a young girl is to help the teen build their confidence and self worth. A teen with high self confidence and self-esteem are not simply manipulated into making the incorrect decisions because they don’t feel the pressure of the crowd.

Parents should be in a position to teach their youths that folks come in all shapes and sizes that way they will be ready to be more accepting of their physical features and would also be non-judgmental of others. Inspire them to get into activities where the field is equal. Good social skills, and confidence in self, helps a teen deal with differing types of scenarios and people. And guiding them to utilize their strengths helps because excelling in anything can enhance a young person’s confidence and self esteem.

Parents cannot be there all of the time but they must be ready to lend a hand when their kids need a hand to hold on to. For sure there’ll be screw ups along the way but a little failure is always a good sign. Most importantly, you must teach resilience to your kids.

Parents are not designed to shield their youngsters from discomfort and discomfort but rather for them to make certain they can go through pain and pain and then come out fine. Ensure that it is clear that you will never abandon them no matter what. Respect their autonomy by giving them the vote of confidence that they can handle any situation

Good thoughts.

And you don’t need to be some radical cheerleader.

It is a research driven truth that quiet expressed belief in a child has more impact than being a loud cheerleader.

That quiet belief leads to quiet <inner> strength.

Which is important because in life it’s difficult to stay tough specially when things and people around you keep pulling you down.

We should also be teaching young girls that they have their own identity. They do not get defined by us <adults> … i.e., if your parent is a failure in some way, it doesn’t mean you have to be a failure too.

And we should teach them they can learn from other people’s experience so they can avoid the same mistakes because you are … well … you … and not them.

I do not believe some people are born leaders or positive thinkers. I do believe being positive, and staying positive, and leading … is a choice.

Building self esteem and drawing lines for self improvement is a choice, not a rule or a talent.

Because, once again, in life it is hard to stay tough specially when things and society and people around you keep tearing at you.

We need to teach them that Life isn’t always easy. You are going to get hit, and even bruised, by life. You have to be resilient. But resiliency implies you have a good foundation to protect. That foundation is the right attitude, the right behavior and the right way of thinking.

If we start to teach our young people that if they become responsible for who they are, what they have and what they do … it effectively spreads out into the rest of their life – the today and the tomorrow life.

These are smart girls.

One day they will be smart women.

This young tween age a defining moment. A reflection moment some day in the future. A point on which they will reflect upon their actions and life.

If they are ashamed? It will gnaw at them.

And that is why I applaud Dove for taking this step. Their actions today try and build the women of tomorrow.

negative people

September 5th, 2012

A friend of mine recently reposted a thought thru twitter … “Watch out for your brain drain from negative nellys….” as a reference to a recent article in Inc. and it reminded me I had a thought on negativity in my draft folder which I had never posted.

Ah.

Negative Nellys.

Now. I had to start with ‘someone else reposted’ to insure no one had thought I had completely gone off the deep end and would have ever used that phrase <the nelly thing> on my own.

Regardless. Negativity is bad <Nelly or not>. And it is destructively bad.

And to be clear … I am not discussing cynics versus optimists <although I would imagine it may be a derivative conversation>. Because I believe the world needs a good mix of cynics and optimists. But a cynic need not be negative in attitude nor behavior.

Anyway. While my main point is about negativity I actually believe this discussion revolves around something I call ‘adders & subtracters.’

And while negativity and negative people fall into the “subtracter” header I will begin with some definitions/explanations and adders.

So.

If you think about life, people pretty much fall into two categories: Adders and Subtractors.

First.

The ‘Adders.’

You know. People who add things to your life. Things always seem to go better when they are around. Sometimes it is obvious and you just like them and being around them. And then sometimes they aren’t obvious because they aren’t big cheerleaders or self absorbed enough to point out what they are adding.

It is just that good shit happens whenever they are involved.

And, frankly, you feel better about yourself when they are around.

Ok. While I love these people (and unfortunately I tend to believe they represent a minority in the overall world population) this post ain’t gonna focus on them.

So … second.

And then there are the ‘Subtracters.’

Simplistically these are the people who subtract from your life. And they are killers in their own right. As I thought about how subtracters kill I remembered something Eckhardt Tolle said:

“Negativity is never the optimum way of dealing with any situation. In fact in most cases it keeps you stuck in it. Anything that will be done with negative energy will become contaminated by it and in time give rise to more pain and unhappiness. Furthermore. Any negative inner energy (state) is contagious. Unhappiness spreads more easily than any physical disease. Through the law of resonance it triggers and feeds latent negativity in others (unless they are immune).” – E. Tolle.

Subtracters are like quicksand killers.

They kill momentum.

They kill energy.

They kill hope <which is a version of energy>.

And maybe the worst of all … because it is so subtle … is the type who kill the joy of the moment.

Oh. They can be wily.

They can be slice and dice subtracters. Creating a death of a thousand cuts. Ah. Subtle subtraction. Its stealthy. It is rarely direct. Its like small pinpricks in the self esteem balloon. some examples … think things like … ‘that must be a home dye hair job’. Or. ‘Why would they ever wear something like that?’ Or. Start a phone conversation with “you are 4 minutes behind (said kiddingly)’. Or even … “did you notice how skinny he/she was?” These are indirect subtractions. Not only do they slice & dice from afar someone else but they subtly pick away at your own thoughts. Because if others can be nicked so easily … well … what about ourselves. It is stealthy. But it is just as damaging.

The non subtle is easy to spot. Its big self esteem attacking stuff. Aimed at immediately popping the self esteem balloon. They can be the heavy handed guillotine subtracters. Their negativity, seemingly subtle and sometimes obvious, can kill any motivation to move forward in your life (or even just the day itself to think on a smaller scale).

In the end … subtle or non-subtle … basically … subtracters suck to have around.

You can be motivated and ready to go ‘do’ when suddenly a subtractor tells you it cannot be done.

Or worse … that <you> specifically cannot get it done. They either flat out tell you (or maybe even worse just intimate so you invest energy pondering the question at hand) that you’re just going to fail and nothing is going to come of it.

Or … even worse than that last worse… they attack backwards … by taking a cut out of a past action.

Wow. Talk about depressing.

Negativity is a powerfully evil weapon.

It can destroy our belief in ourselves. It can take the joy out of life … even the simplest moments … moment by moment.

It subtracts us at our core sucking away motivation <that is so often a struggle to get in the first place>.

Bottom line.

The truth is negativity kills motivation.

Motivation to do <actions>.

Motivation to do good.

In addition.

What makes it even more challenging is compounding the subtractors (the people themselves) affect is the subtractors called ‘the media’.

News is a huge life subtractor if you are not careful. Because it is a source of negativity.

Scarily … negativity is actually a criteria for determining whether or not something is considered newsworthy. We all know that people like to watch negative things (which is why the majority of the time the front page of the newspaper is someone getting killed or some disaster occurring) but I don’t have to like it.

Negativity sells.

That’s why 75% of the news on TV is about hurricanes and tornadoes and crime and corrupt politics.

So that’s what they put on the news.

I guess I added those little factoids in to make the point that it is difficult to remove negativity from your life.

You cannot control ‘big media.’

But you can control everyday life.

And you can control daily ‘addition and subtraction.’

And you can make choices with the subtracters around you.

Identifying and eliminating subtraters is an essential step to personal happiness. It takes a harsh eye to your existing life (and maybe your attitude with regard to things) but it’s definitely worth it.

So think about this whole subtracter person thing.

We all have them … a friend, family member or work acquaintance who does nothing but complain, argue or just finds something wrong in anything and everything <in total or just n part>.

Ok. Ok. We have all been that person at some point in our lives … typically in a rough time in our lives.

But it is temporary.

It’s when someone seems bent on consistently finding the negative and constantly being negative (or finding one thing in every conversation to be negative about) that it can become a real problem.

It is extremely draining. In fact … it is … well … subtracting.

And not only is it draining but it can affect you … yourself … and relationships and friendships and, well, everything in your life.

Why?

Because if you even care one iota about life and what you are doing … you end up investing incremental energy when you are around a subtracter.

And therefore the subtraction takes on exponential proportions because subtractors have this seemingly stubborn determination to be negative … this despite how hard you try to be empathetic or positive or supportive or just in deflecting their negativity.

So. Stop. You have to do something.

You have to decide to do something to avoid having your energy further sucked out of you.

Because if you are not careful you not only have normal everyday positiveness sucked out of you they will also eat up all the positiveness you extend <in the effort to stop them being a subtractor>.

And that is trouble.

When that happens … you inevitably get exhausted and frustrated and, worst of all, pulled down there with them into the negativity black hole.

Think about how this all works. (It is pretty simple).

Before engaging with a subtracter you can be in a great mood with energy.

After engaging with a subtracter you feel deflated, unhappy and tired.

Period.

End of concept.

Oops. I guess it can be compounded even more.

I also tend to believe you invest a lot energy afterwards trying to think about how you may make the situation less deflating the next time around.

Look.

It’s mostly wasted energy.

First.

Negativity is next to impossible to unravel.

It’s like one of those brain tumors that weaves its way intertwining the fiber of your brain. It gets tied into inextricable knots among the good things in your brain. Which means that in your brain the good things never have any unfettered space to breathe and think.

Negativity starts squeezing out positiveness.

Anyway.

How do you drop it? Like a hot coal. Do not try an unravel it or analyze it or fix it.

Recognize you don’t want to suffer the pain anymore and just let go of it.

Second.

Recognize you cannot solve or fix this kind of subtractor.

The truth is they’re the only ones who can realize their negativity and decide to actually make a change.

Someone said it once really well “you cannot help people who cannot help themselves.”

Subtractors represent a bottomless pit of darkness of which no one has a bright enough light to lighten the depths of subtractedness.

Don’t try … even if you are one of those people who believe your role in life is to ‘save’ these people.

So.

Let’s go to the hard topic.

The REALLY hard topic.

Eliminating subtractors.

Yeah. You have to decide whether or not the ‘subtracter person’ (friend, family, whatever) is worth keeping. And cutting people out of your life is always difficult. Because negative or not if you care about them it sucks to cut them out of your life.

But do it.

And resolve it in your own head by knowing it was the right thing to do and think of her/him and wish her/him the best whenever they cross your mind.

When you do this? You will actually be relieved they are not part of your life.

It is addition by subtraction.

In the end … negative people … the subtractors … are dangerous.

They are simply a different type of murderer. And a sneaky type for they vary their technique by victim.

One cruel deep subtraction that can simply stop you breathing.

Or a thousand small cuts that ultimately drain life out of you.

Or something inbetween.

Regardless.

Subtractors are bad for a healthy life.

Ok.

Last thought on subtractors … how do you recognize a subtracter?

“Wicked people are always surprised to find ability in those that are good.” – Marquis de Vauvenargues

Subtracters are just a version of wickedness. They are always surprised by ability to do good.

I find this a great test of who is a subtracter around me. Anyway. Go forth and subtract the subtracters.

no secret to life

May 7th, 2012

“There are no secrets in life just truths that lie beneath the surface” – Dexter

I love this quote.

To me it seems to put a highlight on the inner struggle we seem to have with trying to make life so ‘mysterious’ (or some invisible hand) and a lack of desire to control, or assume responsibility for, our own life.

Yup. At it’s harshest it is simply ‘shirking responsibility.’

So. Some people call it destiny. Sometimes they suggest is “god’s will.’ Some call it fate.

All of which imply there is some secret to life that unless we are Sherlock Holmes we will never know or understand.

The fact is that life is just truths ‘that lie beneath the surface.’

And if you are willing to hold your breath a little while and dip down under the surface you can see truth.

But truth is a scary thing <particularly when it comes to Life from a personal perspective>.

It means recognizing strengths and weaknesses <real ones … not societal ones>.

It means recognizing past failures and lies.

It means recognizing what is real hope and what is false hope <being truly realistic>.

It means recognizing that we have some limits to what will be <and limits vary at what point in Life you assess the boundaries>.

Look.

I imagine we all hide from some of the harsh truths and inevitably retreat into some layer of ‘self lie.’

And while it may not be out & out lying … the fact is we adapt socially to maintain some façade of what we “wish we could be.”

Freud suggests that we have a “hidden self” lying in our subconscious that is often too much of a struggle for our conscious minds to handle. Because of that we do some cognitive gymnastics creating defense mechanisms twisting reality just enough to create justification to ourselves for our behavior.

Freud <no matter what I may think about some of the wacky things he said> is correct.

We all have either a hidden self or aspects of our self we would rather ‘hide from’ just because we would rather not face them.

Part of our defense mechanism is this mysterious “secrets of life.’

Sorry, my friends, there is no real secret to Life.

Just truths hidden below the surface if you are willing to look … and face them.

broken people and getting fixed (an additional thought)

December 2nd, 2011

Ok.

It’s taken me awhile to gather my thoughts on this one.

I have written a lot about life and resiliency and ‘being broken’ … a whole series in fact. It is an important topic to me. Maybe because I am a ‘hope guy.’

But then I received a comment after someone read my “can broken people be fixed” post that kind of rocked me a little … made me think a lot … and … well … made me write some more.

The comment:

“I think you wrote a lovely article, full of hopeful ideas and beautiful thoughts. I wish everyone could feel that way, however, I don’t agree with you. I don’t think you’ve ever been truly broken. And the sad part is some people can’t be fixed. Abuse as a child can damage you in ways you would never imagine. Some children are so severely abused that they develop reactive attachment disorder, where they literally lose the ability to love. That is a broken person. And what of the sociopaths of the world. They are broken people. Some people aren’t fixable and the only solution is to walk away. Sometimes someone is so damaged that they hurt everyone they touch. I’ve been broken beyond repair. I will never have a normal life again. That is not to say, that I am never happy or that I don’t have people I love desperately and who love me back. I have a good life, I support myself and have my own home. It took me years to accomplish all that. But I have terrible demons from my past that will truly never go away. A part of me will always remain broken. The abuse and neglect and violence I endured have scarred me in ways I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I tell all of you this so you can see the other side. I hope you always see the positive and never “break”. May god bless you and yours!” – texastwinky comment

First.

I agree I have never been truly broken. Pieces & parts but never the whole.

Second.

I agree some people are so damaged (and cannot fix themselves) and therefore hurt everyone and everything they touch.

Third.

I don’t agree sociopaths are broken. Well. At least not the way I have been defining it and trying to talk about it. Sociopaths are the 1% lunatic fringe that are just wired wrong. Not broken. Just built differently (built wrongly as a matter of fact).

Fourth.

I agree, depending on how much you have been broken, some parts will always remain broken or the parts that do heal will have such deep scars they will always remain.

Fifth.

I apologize to anyone where I have overstepped any boundaries when discussing topics. And by that I mean … how dare me to discuss broken people when I myself cannot put myself in their shoes and the depth of brokenness. While life has certainly tested my boundaries of breaking at times I would imagine in the scheme of things when compared to many others I have had an easy ride in the park.

All that said. Maybe I wanted to begin with where I just ended.

“… compared to many others …”

When we tell the stories about ourselves, and about others, it is those things that can make us who we are and inevitably what the world around us is.

The stories give our own brokenness perspective.

And at some point I imagine all broken people have to find perspective in order to move on (and by ‘moving on’ I don’t mean forgetting but rather as texastwinky suggests “I have a good life”).

Through stories, and maybe you have to try hard, you need to realize that someone else was broken worse. Someone just had it worse.

And maybe it is also by reading, and re-reading, these stories we find an understanding what might be triggering any personal destructive behavior and enables us to devise ways of transforming our behavior through context.

This transformation, at its core, is a personal responsibility. An understanding that you, and only you, can mend the brokenness. Or at least be able to manage the brokenness.

I have talked about resiliency a lot. But maybe someone like Texastwinkie is making me think the most broken people who end up having a functionally positive life are … well … durable.

Durable shares many of the same virtues as resiliency and also has an intrinsic strength at its core.

Successful broken people want to be durable. Maybe they just learn that they have to be. And maybe these people help the rest of us create a more durable world.

I do know researchers have studied this:

Sandro Galea, a public health professor at Columbia University, was one of the first scientists to study the psychological impact of 9/11 on New Yorkers. Early on, he made a surprising finding.

While most New Yorkers were understandably anxious in the days after the terrorist attacks, only a minority went on to develop debilitating psychological problems like post-traumatic stress disorder.

“Even among people who were in the towers and who were trying to escape or got injured, the risk of PTSD was still in the minority,” says Galea.

He says it was an “aha” moment for him.

“Human beings are incredibly adaptive and incredibly resilient,” he says. “Even in the face of a dramatic trauma, with horrendous circumstances, most people are still pulling through fine.”

By “pulling through fine,” Galea does not mean that people were not upset. Rather, they were able to function normally even if they had periods of great sadness.

Now.

Is this extreme personal trauma creating brokenness? Well. Not really. But you get the point.

We humans are incredibly adaptive.

Even after extreme measures of brokenness.

And while a little of what texastwinkie quite fairly pointed out as a hopeful, if not too Pollyannish, point of view on my part on whether broken people can be fixed … I am not sure I like the alternative.

That they cannot be fixed.

So. I have to say I still find that people who have been broken can still be healed once they find something solid, unbroken in other words, within themselves. And I purposefully chose the word ‘something.’ It doesn’t have to be the whole … just maybe a meaningful part to hold on to and to build upon.

And I did purposefully choose to make it a ‘self statement.’ To me “fixing” begins with the truism that the important thing is not a relationship with any other person. It is your relationship with yourself.

Another truth is everyone is imperfect. In some form or fashion.

The truth is that most adults become functional people despite being broken and yet because of being imperfect humans we, in some ways, remain ‘screwed up’ in some ways and do not function as well (or as well as we could).

But for perspective, as you think about yourself, interestingly this is just like the person across the room from you … in fact … just like everyone else.

We are all imperfect.

We are all broken in some way.

We are all not equal in brokenness.

But we are all equal with regard to what we choose to do with that brokenness.

Yeah.

Let me type that again.

But we are all equal with regard to what we choose to do with that brokenness.

With that said I want to end this with a TED video I found somewhat on this topic of ‘what it takes for you to fix your broken self.’
It is of Brene Brown … I am a “life’s messy … clean it up” person. – TED ideas to share video

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

it is a great thought provoking talk.

Some immediate thoughts on what it takes for an individual to successfully move on from brokenness:

- courage (to be imperfect).

- compassion (to be kind to themselves).

- connection (willing to let go of what they thought they should be … and accept who they are).

Oh.

And embrace vulnerability (not being comfortable with it … just the ability to accept it).

Whew.

This is the kind of thinking I wish I had said or written.

I have always called it a good combination of resiliency & strength of character

This is better.

So.

Can broken people be fixed? In my mind, yes.

They have to fix themselves first and foremost (although if you know a broken person that doent mean you shouldn’t try and help).

I loved what texastwinkie wrote.

And it created some real soul searching on my part.

But in the end, particularly after reviewing the video, I stand by my belief that broken people can be fixed.

Why?

- Vulnerability? We have all dealt with it in some form but accepting and embracing it? Frightening but when given the alternative, as explained by Brene, is there even an alternative? – commenter on the TEDBreneBownvideo.

Yup. Because what’s the alternative?

can broken people be fixed

August 6th, 2010

So. I am a quote guy. When I came across this quote below I stopped and started thinking. A lot. And a lot about people I care about. I know we all have baggage and ‘issues’ we have to deal with. Later I call them ‘devils we deal with.’ But I don’t believe I had ever consciously thought of this as ‘broken people’ or that some of the people I really care about who admit they have some ‘baggage issues’ as broken. And I just started writing.

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.” – Douglas Coupland

Look. I believe everyone gets “broken” somehow in their lives.

And.

Yes. I do believe broken people can get ‘fixed.’ Even if they are ‘broken in certain ways.’ (s0, sorry Mr. Coupland … I do not agree)

But. As with everything it is tricky.

Yup. Some people in reflection call this thought “baggage” or the issues they feel they have to deal with personally (self esteem, self image, self confidence, self respect … stuff like that).

Ok.

So I believe the foundation for breaking (let’s call it at least the ‘bending’ portion) tends to begin in childhood. And most of us have to be really silly if we don’t recognize that.

And then it is most likely when we shift from childhood into adulthood and the everyday realities of life and responsibilities start coming through the front door … often without knocking … that bending parts truly snap.

The truth is almost everyone emerges stronger after suffering some breaks. So. Some people aren’t broken but rather simply broken but healed. And in some cases stronger.

“The world breaks us all. Afterward, some are stronger at the broken places.”
- Ernest Hemingway

Well.

Let’s say everyone certainly learns something from being broken. But. Some people struggle to be ‘fixed.’

Or let’s say they emerge with some cracks they live with for the rest of their lives.

Because getting fixed really is tricky.

- Here’s the tricky part 1.

Life can be a bitch (or a bastard) sometimes.

Okay. Let’s just say life can be overwhelming.

Not only can it put unrelenting pressure just in day to day life (getting shit done and shit done well) but it can also be unforgiving in its unrelenting pressure it seeks to put on the “personal cracks.” You know what I mean.

When you have been broken by something … a series of unhealthy relationships, maybe trying to rise above some abusive parenting that attacks your self confidence, maybe some self doubts with regards to decisions you made in your youth or even in adulthood … these are all old cracks, some big and some smaller, that are inside you. and then life comes along and almost seems to seek out the weak points with career challenges, home issues, financial issues, car repairs and in general stretching time so tightly that it becomes difficult to let the weaker cracks have the time they need to heal (let alone seek to move forward beyond the pain).

Hey. Life certainly means enduring some things that bend us, break us, make us weaker or make us stronger. But enduring can become a never ending endurance match if you are not careful. And no one can be successful in being fixed in that situation

Yeah. Tricky part 1. Life sometimes makes it difficult for broken people to escape enduring and shift into enjoying.

- Tricky part 2.

I discussed in my self esteem post that esteem is an internal issue (or characteristic) but external factors can affect broken people. A lot. And in many ways that can be sneaky.

And here is where broken people can really get screwed.

Let’s say they’ve ditched the people in their past who were destructive and ‘bended’ them in the first place and maybe even broken them a couple of times.

And then let’s say for whatever reason they make a mistake with a good friendship or a partner/companion who takes an old break and rebreaks it.

Ok.

Maybe that happens a couple of times.

Well.

Breaking things hurts.

People avoid things that cause hurt.

And eventually it makes broken people even more wary of being broken again.

(Not to take a serious issue lightly but Charlie Brown may have summarized this thought best)

“I think I’m afraid to be too happy, because when I am, something bad always happens.” – Charlie Brown

So the broken person becomes careful. Really careful.

- Tricky part 3.

Uh oh.

Then a ‘specialist’ in fixing these particular broken pieces appears (unfortunately ‘specialists’ in the non medical world don’t come with degrees nor do they carry signs saying who they are).

Oh. And I just mean by specialist that ‘right person at the right time to deal with the right issues …. well … in the right way’.

- Note: Some people call these specialists “lighthouse” people. I am calling them specialists because this is about the idea of broken people and I also believe just as in any great personal relationship mix I believe individuals need special individuals to meet certain needs to be a great partner.

Okay. The specialist.

It doesn’t have to be a life companion (although I do believe those are stronger) it could be a friend or someone who influences you but it is someone who not only knows how to help heal the broken parts but also has some sense of how the original break occurred (so you have healing and some true empathy from understanding).

And the specialist, although curious to help and interested in helping, gets missed by the broken person.

Hey. I am not saying this flippantly.

I am not sure how a broken person can see anything clearly in some situations.

But, as noted in tricky part 1, life is overwhelming.

And, as noted in tricky part 2, past experiences make you wary.

Ultimately? Broken people get screwed because they simply miss ‘assistance’ opportunities. Or maybe miss a ‘lighthouse’ personal companion.

“If you wanna get somewhere in life fast, go alone. But if you wanna get far, you need someone by your side.” - anonymous

Yes. The key point here is some broken people need help. Help carrying their ‘baggage.’ Maybe some help healing the broken pieces.

Sure, some do it on their own.

But not many people can do it on their own. They can instigate the initial change but it helps to have support. One of my 20something links just wrote about something similar:

- Because changing for the better constantly and drastically, well, for lack of a better word, can completely suck sometimes. As much as you want to believe that everyone around you will be supportive and gracious about this new and improved you, it’s sometimes not the case. And, that’s disappointing. It’s terrifyingly disappointing, in fact, when you realize that relationships you’ve treasured had been built by the you that you didn’t respect. And that these relationships survive only when their veins are pumped with negativity and unyielding insecurity. That conversation grows silent if you have nothing to complain about. That sharing the positive without the negative won’t always be met with a welcomed face on the other end. And, so I get it. I get why people don’t change, why they wouldn’t be willing to sacrifice their relationships for their own well-being. Maybe they didn’t understand that them playing small isn’t serving anyone’s best interest. But, it’s easier said than done. It’s easier to say you’d love to be great and you’d love to straighten out your own edges, but when it happens? It’s not always the sweet and delicious heaven you’d been waiting for. Because when you change and you change for the betterment of yourself, your people may get threatened. They may feel jealous. They may want you back on their level. They may miss your self-destructive love life. They may not be comfortable with your new way of approaching dating and career and friendships. They may not be prepared when you stand up for yourself. They may just simply not be prepared. And you’ll be sad. You’ll realize that, in changing, you’ll have to weed through toxic relationships. You’ll have to understand that not everyone can stay, not just anyone gets to have an audience with you. Because, you’ve changed and you’re happy and the last thing you’d ever want is for someone to come crashing into your life and threaten what you’ve spent years building.

Because all you’ve ever wanted is to feel peaceful and happy and to stop analyzing every word that anyone ever says to you or around you. All you’d ever wanted was to stop falling for the wrong men, to stop swallowing your feelings, and to stop acting like what you want doesn’t matter. All you’d ever wanted was to believe you’re worth loving and that you’re good enough.

This 20something nailed why broken people struggle to get fixed.

Why?

Because not all broken people can be strong enough to make the change amidst everyday life crap that comes your way AND do it ‘alone’ (I want to be careful with that word … I don’t mean ‘without some friends’ but rather you lose some friends and you possibly avoid some others who really really could step up and ‘be there’ for whatever reason).

And while I believe some people will argue with me that it comes down to the individual I will debate that thought.

Yes. It begins with the individual.

But even if you aren’t broken, life is best faced in tandem. You know what I mean … double the joys & halve the griefs type thing. So if someone is broken? Square the double/halve equation in last sentence. Just increases the potential & possibilities of success and happiness in the end.

Necessary? Nope.

Easier? Yup.

- Tricky part 4.

Keeping it to themselves.

Nobody really ever knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to somebody, who is completely broken, and we wouldn’t even know.

And this one gets even trickier. Sometimes the most happy and most beautiful people you know may be broken in a way that is eating them up from the inside out.

You can come up with all your own reasons why this ‘keeping it to yourself’ happens because there are a slew of pretty good reasons.

But. At its foundation I believe it is mostly because they fear not getting fixed and letting people see (and then stay within themselves trying to fix it on their own).

Oh. This fear also bleeds into tricky part 2 & 3 in the guise of “independence” (or say fear of dependence). An unrelenting belief that all the external factors have relentlessly broken them suggests the way to be free is by “going it alone.” And that maybe by doing so they will be stronger independently in the end.

Well. Could be. But. Certainly increases the likelihood of failure (see tricky part 1). And certainly, depending on how broken, increases the amount of time things will need to heal. Sure. I am an advocate of professional assistance for lots of broken pieces. But. That is still ‘going it alone.’ And that is still “keeping it to yourself” in a very important way.

Look. I am not advocating “being dependent upon someone for getting fixed.” That simply isn’t healing the broken parts. In fact, that resembles a toxic relationship scenario and edges into killing independence. But. As I mentioned to someone once … situational support is not dependency. That is simply an independent person receiving help. Dependency is non-stop situational support.

So.

The point? (something that most of us don’t do well)

Listen.

Listen again.

And then listen again even more closely.

And then do something. Really. Just do something. Random acts of support in unexpected ways relieves pressure on broken parts.

To any broken people reading? No. That is not being dependent. That is remaining independent and getting some relief.

To the doers? Look. You don’t have to talk about it when you hear it. And nothing has to be extreme. But if you have ever broken a bone you know what a relief it is to get a small bit of help on occasion. It gives you time to rest. It gives you time to heal.

Okay.

Beyond the tricky parts.

Once again.

I come back to one key thought.

I do know broken people can get fixed.

Whether it’s in business (cracked confidence, broken spirit, whatever) or in personal lives broken people, no matter how broken THEY feel they are (because they are never as broken as they feel they are), can be fixed.

And fixed in a way where the broken pieces are never forgotten they are just healed stronger.

Of course I do recognize the ‘most broken’ people are the most difficult to fix.

We, all of us, have done our own life in full measure. However you define full measure. And within that everyone has known the things that ‘break’ … fear, loneliness, great distress, some abuse. Sooner or later in life of everyone comes a moment of trial. That is living life in full measure (so if you haven’t faced these things you are living life less than full).

So living life in full measure everyone has been broken at some point. Some of us more than others. And we, all of us, have our own particular devil that rides us and torments us.

And we all battle our particular devils (well, let’s say, most of us do … and most of us don’t really give in to “the devil”).

This is moving on. In moving forward in life, regardless of our pace, we have conquered our devil, or so we believe, enough to not stop us in our tracks. Or let’s say ‘be broken enough to not move’. I would imagine we heal the breaks in some form or fashion. And everyone deserves to heal the broken parts well enough to move on.

So. Everyone. Yes. Everyone can be, and deserves, to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, redeemed and re-whatevered as “that which has been broken but has now been unbroken.”

Me?

I say never throw out anyone. No matter how broken (in the ways we are discussing here).

Oh.

That sounds right doesn’t it?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … but how many of us have lifted our hands in frustration and said “I cannot do this anymore. They cannot be fixed. I am tired.”

And walk away.

Or we hear “I need to figure things out for myself” and you take that as a stop sign to offer help or keep coming with some glue to fix some broken things.

Don’t do it.

Stay the course.

If you care, never throw anyone out. Never believe anyone is too broken.

Anyone.

No matter how broken they may feel they are or how broken they may actually be (two different things … same conclusion).

You may not be a ‘lighthouse’ companion (although, if you can be, consider yourself one of the darn luckiest people in the world … because there is nothing … let me repeat … NOTHING better than leading a broken person you truly care about through the sometimes fogginess of change or ‘healing’ so they can join you at the lighthouse).

Uhm. Quick note. It is at this point you cease being a lighthouse and become walking side-by-side companions. That is just as good a feeling too.

Anyway.

Healing broken people is about change.

And change is typically about moving forward. Or zig zagging a little in life. Regardless. Nothing about it contains stagnancy. So if you are a broken person what that means is some around may lead (lighthouse people), others follow, others maybe go by your side or others just have to get the hell out of your way. But moving forward means some others, those unwilling to move (those who fear the discomfort of change), won’t move. And (even worse) sometimes someone considered ‘a friend’ will discourage movement out of that fear (not because they don’t want you to improve but rather it unsteadies what they have and they fear what may come after).

Oh. And toxic relationships fall distinctly into that last sentence. They will ALWAYS seek to slow down broken people healing because they are thriving on the broken/unhealed parts.

Another note: Unfortunately for ‘specialists’, who are not only lighthouses but peer companions, they are difficult to discern from toxic people.

Anyway.

In the end?

I like this quote:

“I just want them to know that they didn’t break me.” -Pretty in Pink

But.

I would change it. Change it for those of us who can help.

“I just want them to know that I wouldn’t let life break them.”

I don’t think I am a specialist by any stretch of the imagination (as I described specialist earlier).

But I have seen how someone can make a huge difference in a “broken” person’s life when permitted.

I guess my point is.

Don’t throw any broken person away as unfixable. No matter how much of a relief it may sound to you personally or how much they suggest they want to fix themselves.

Why?

Who knows.

You just may be their specialist.

And if you can say you helped fix one broken person in your life?

Wow. That’s good stuff.

shakespeare and self esteem

July 27th, 2010

“Be true to thineself.”

Shakespeare

I used this quote in maybe one of my first 5 posts but since my friend Jen referenced it with regard to self esteem I thought I would bring it back and refresh it slightly with the whole self esteem discussion in mind (as well as my recent rant on advertising agency differentiation).

Let’s talk business first.

I use this quote in every branding exercise I have ever done. I believe branding, personal or companywise, doesn’t start with the ‘customer’ but in understanding yourself. And in understanding yourself … have the kahones to be true to thineself regardless of the repercussions.

Branding experts spend so much time focusing on the customer and doing whatever you have to do to be liked by consumers that they lose sight of what a brand really is at its core … thineself.

I would imagine at its core this thought is about a company’s self esteem.

I guess if all you want to do is make money and be a prostitute, or a chameleon, and be whatever the consumer wants and do whatever the consumer wants in search of the almighty dollar then you should go ahead.

I guess that also means, while I would probably lose the consulting gig, I would then suggest ‘be comfortable being a legal prostitute.’ And, oh, (no offense to any prostitutes) expect that no matter how big your wallet gets you will have the same self esteem as a prostitute. By the way. I am not the first to suggest this (at least in the advertising industry). The original founder of The Martin Agency in Richmond said something very similar (I have the exact quite in a box somewhere). But. Those ad guys are mad men anyway.

When I do any strategy gigs and I use this quote I typically suggest it’s like building a great circle of friends. Your circle of friends is stronger if there is some mutual respect and you truly enjoy each other’s company (flaws and all). Now. That doesn’t mean everyone will be your friend. Some people may like you but not be a friend. And some people will just have no interest in being your friend. But in the end … your company, your product/service, your brand is better off … if it is ‘true to thineself.’

Okay.

Personal (and this whole self esteem thing).

Heck, I believe it may be one of the most important lessons a person can learn in their personal life (and one of the most difficult lessons to actually implement I may add). I don’t have a lot to add from what I say to business owners (above).

Similar to businesses getting caught in the barrage of consumer influence on company image an individual is faced with a similar situation (without money involved).

As Jen told me:

“realize sometimes people just get bogged down, and the external factors are definitely loud/pervasive, but still annoying to see/listen to people play “victim” or blame their upbringing/society/partner/etc on their unhappiness or their unwillingness to climb out of the pit.”

I cannot disagree.

Shakespseare was a smart dude. I don’t think he lacked for self esteem (although I would imagine he had the typical creative artist insecurities lying below a healthy façade of strong self esteem). But self esteem is a tricky thing.

It is made even trickier by the fact we are always growing as a person. We are always gathering external information and assessing ourselves. Part of self esteem is understanding what is good and should be respected about yourself <and kept> and another part of self esteem is partially understanding how to change and evolve and improve.

And that is self esteem’s trickiest challenge.

Be stagnant and you aren’t improving. External factors will remind you of that. Constantly.

So then you go ahead and change … uh oh … and those wily external factors have a habit of understanding that your foundation is shifting and starts seeking cracks in the foundation to weasel its way into.

My first post on “be true to thineself’ may have been too flippant.

Truth in itself is very difficult. Oh. And add ‘thineself’ and difficulty increases exponentially.

Negative self esteem issues are a “pit.” That is true. And I am with Jen on this one … no one should be willing to accept living in this pit if you have a choice.

And I would like to believe that everyone has a choice when it comes to self esteem.

Ah.

But nothing good in life is easy.

That is an non debatable truth.

more important than fear

July 10th, 2010

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”

Ambrose Redmoon

In one of the first posts I ever wrote I included this quote within a group of quotes. Here is what I wrote:

- I am fortunate enough to know a number of Marines. I don’t believe any of them have ever refuted the fact they felt fear at some point. At the same time I do not believe they have ever referred to themselves as showing courage. They simply state “the alternative wasn’t an option.” They found that something was more important than fear. We could all learn that lesson even without the actual bullets.

Looking back I wouldn’t change a word. I don’t know how soldiers do it. But notice, every time you ever hear the best …. they never talk about their courage. They signed up to do a job. And they do it.

It is here that looking back I would add some words. About life. And people. The capacity of people is stunning on occasion if you take a moment and look at it. And I mean just ordinary life and the sometimes overwhelming responsibilities that often try and crush the moment with fear of “how am I going to do it all.”

The kids first day of school. The air conditioning is broken (and you don’t live in Alaska). The car you just picked up from the body shop getting fixed from an accident isn’t right and needs additional work. All the extra expenses that come crashing in with all those things. Difficulty at work with an employee. Brand new tenant dealing with the broken air conditioning. The logistics associated with getting everything done and being at the right place at the right time and the seemingly endless check writing.

That’s just an example.

I would imagine all of us have ‘these days’ of some type. And all of us discover ‘judgment of something more important than fear’ and don’t just break down or freeze into inaction.

But just because we all do it shouldn’t stop us from looking around and recognize the courage of some of those people who find the courage to step up and run these types of gauntlets. I sometimes believe we are all so focused on dealing with our own shit that we are numbed to what other people around us are dealing with – and the stunning grace with which they handle that shit which make it easy to overlook.

While I began this post talking about courage in the sense of facing extraordinary situations where death is an option. I end this post focusing on everyday life where despite the fear that someone just may not be able to measure up to the everyday pressures and responsibilities that same person finds the courage to get through it. Sometimes in solitude so no one ever knows.

I guess the point of this is maybe take a moment and look around you. Courage takes shape in some of the most unlikely of people. I know I do it. If only because I find the depth of character to just do, sometimes in solitude, often in silence … awe inspiring.