Enlightened Conflict

Tag Archives: philosphy

canvas of our lives

May 29th, 2013

“The thoughts we choose to think are the tools we use to paint the thinking ideascanvas of our lives.” – Louise Hay

So.

This is about thinking.

Louise Hay is a motivational author who writes a lot of bullhockey about How to Love Yourself in self-help books … but this is an outstanding quote and thought.

 

We paint the canvas of our lives with thoughts.

 

So.

This is about thinking … and happiness … and how all the researchers & self help analysis and rules to follow truly impinge upon our overall happiness.

Bottom line?

Those sonofabitches are facilitating our grumpiness … not happiness <aside to myself: ‘bastards’>.

 

“The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.”  - A. A. Milne

 

If I could have sat down with A.A. when he said this I would have suggested that he add “the 4th rate mind is only happy when its over-thinking thinking.”

 

Academics and researchers tear apart thinking to an absurd extreme.

Rational versus irrational.

Logical versus intuitive.

This versus that.

think think thinkSum it all up and you get a confusing picture of a human mind that is alternatively strong & weak, pliable and inflexible, constantly overwhelmed yet inevitably insatiable and … well … always contradictory.

After all this research inevitably they all shake their heads and say ‘how we think is often irrational.’

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …

Labeling thinking as ‘irrational’ is … well … irrational.

And silly.

Not because we make irrational decisions when we think <because sometimes we actually do … but I would also suggest that irrational is in the eyes of the beholder> but rather that we invest so much energy trying to analyze thinking.

In all of this analysis we obscure the true beauty and joy of thinking.

Thinking is expansive not constrictive.

Heck.

It often shouldn’t even be constructed.

And there certainly is no “how to” guide for everyone to follow <oops … a bunch of self-help authors are gonna send me some nasty emails now>.

The guard rails … or the steps are pretty basic.

We hunt <for information>.

We gather <the information>.

We consider options <information>.

We cook up an idea or a thought <typically as informed information>.

<note: this can happen in 5 seconds, 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days … but the process remains the same>

 

Some people call this ‘stimulus – response.’

Some people call it common sense.

 

Beyond that?

It’s maddening if you try and analyze how people think.

Is there an art and a science to taking time to gathering more input versus making a decision?

Or how to sift through all the information you have?

Or how to make big decisions versus small decisions?

Or, shit, how to even identify a small versus a big decision <and how often do we get that wrong looking in hindsight>?

Beyond that … it seems kind of maddening to try and unravel all of that.

Why?

Its mental masturbation.

You really cannot do anything with the information you gain from all the research and analysis <there will be no “how to think” pamphlet to hand out to everyone when they are born>.

 

Look.

The best thinkers tend to need both logical and analogical thinking. They use subconscious and intuition combined with logical analysis. Sometimes even using what you don’t even know that you know as you utilize linear thinking and pattern recognition.

And the best of the best recognize some level above the logical. They somehow recognize an elusive “why” that will drive the idea.

Sound maddeningly unteachable?

It should,

Because it is not teachable.

 

In the end?think

It is really the subconscious that makes all the breakthrough thinking.

Heck.

It is really the subconscious that makes all the thinking good.

Now.

Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do the thinking hard lifting or the analysis or the background work necessary … because that stuff is the nutrition for healthy thinking. But.  Recognize that the maddening part in really good thinking resides somewhere in the unplanned … in the subconscious.

By the way … that’s the stuff that really cannot be taught or analyzed or researched or shared in some business book.

 

In a world where we put such a high value on completion and destination and results … thinking’s value is most likely found in the journey … the ‘looking.’

 

“Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking.” – Goethe

 

We seem to try and teach thinking, and analyze thinking, with the intent of improving results.

This ultimately suggests you should be unhappy with your thinking if you do not generate results.

Nuts.

We should encourage more looking … more thinking.

Thinking makes us happy.

If we listen to all the self-help pundits we begin thinking that thinking is an unhappy experience without results.

think you knowNuts <again>.

Our thoughts, and thinking, create the canvas of our lives … not results.

 

Anyway.

Here is the only thing I truly know <without gobs of research>.

Thinking is good.

impatience and choices

March 5th, 2013

“Impatience kills quickly.” –  Katerina Stoykova KlemerImpatient Bird

 

“Mental clarity ain’t for the faint of heart.”-  Katerina Stoykova Klemer

 

Well.

I believe we could all become more adept at making choices.  Because, if anything, we seem to have become worse at making thoughtful choices. Heck. Maybe even ANY choices.

Now.

I am all for, and a huge proponent of not dicking around <the technical term for ‘wasting time overthinking’> when a choice needs to be made.

But there is a difference between making speedy decisions and making a decision because speed is the main criteria.

Of course … this is festina lente.

Make haste slowly.

And it is becoming more important to think this way because the fear of choices … leading to making the most obvious or most popular or the most expedient <speediest> … is plaguing not only our personal lives but more importantly the business world.

Fortunately there are scientists at work trying to figure out why.

In the meantime Psychologist Barry Schwartz has put forward an interesting (and slightly disturbing) theory about choices and happiness.

 

“The more options there are, the easier it is to regret anything at all that is disappointing about the option that you chose.” – Barry Schwartz

 

Mr. Schwartz calls it the paradox of choice.

It seems the more choices we have, the less likely we are to make a decision, which ultimately makes us unhappy.  Schwartz suggests that choice has made us not freer but more paralyzed and, ultimately, not happier but more dissatisfied.

Barry Schwartz studies the link between economics and psychology.

I found it interesting because he actually suggests <kind of> that having more options doesn’t increase our overall satisfaction <benefit + happiness>.

Here is his talk on Ted:

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html

 

impatient patienceMaking choices … having the mental clarity to do so in a typically impatient world is made more difficult by the fact many of us begin by thinking of regret. Yup. The fear of choosing one thing before you even choose the other. All of this being tempered by the “now factor” <I need to make a choice now>.

I call this the internalization of opportunities/costs/loss.  Or maybe it is simply dwelling on the benefits of the next best options that have been forgone by a choice <losing something, albeit even speculatively, that you never had>.

Every choice has opportunity costs.

And since we live in a world of infinite possibilities, it’s so hard to figure out what to do, when, and where.

If you start thinking this way … well … you begin living in a world strewn with hypotheticals.

If I do A, then this will happen.impatient and irritating

But what if I do B?

Will I be happier?  Will I get back more? Will everyone around me be more satisfied?

Or what about C? That looks good.

But someone suggested D.

You get it. There are 26 letters in the alphabet and while most of us stop way before Z … even getting to D can be maddening.

It seems like the world is your oyster … everything is possible … but you don’t take advantage of any opportunities because you’re not sure of what’s best.

To make matters worse, more choices tend to raise our expectations: we think more choice = better quality.

Anyway.

I use scientific advice to suggest that there are some happy few people who look at each choice discreetly. More choices do not equal better quality to them. They do not need the ‘more’ they simply need the context. These people drive us crazy because they do not typically offer us choices <we may like ‘more’ but they offer ‘less’> but rather they offer us ‘the’ choice.

And it is often a good choice.

The best? Shit. Is there really a best? There are most often better choices than others … and they identify the better of the better.

This is typically where we end up screwing up the value of these people. Because we want ‘more choice’ and they want ‘right choice’ <and move along>.

We are impatient humans … yet we always want more … and we seem to always want it all in less time.

It is an ongoing daily struggle.

Let’s get personal first. Daily Life.

This is about how most of us are not good at assessing ROC <return on choice>  the return on whatever we have invested in making the choice as well as once the choice is made.

We suck at this.

There is the investment in developing the choices <and however many we need to feel like we have enough to assess … assuming that is a finite number>.

There is the investment in actually assessing the choices <better, betterest & best … assuming a best can be actually identified>.

There is the investment in the actual choice.

Oh.

And there is investment post-choice.  Yup. Even if we choose the rightest choice we either have angst over whether it was the best or we have angst hangover from the choice process.

Ok.

Let’s go business next.

I call this the paradox of organizational choice.

The end result is the same as Schwartz’s <too many choices creates diminished value>. But the path to the result is different <if not just as paradoxical>.

Here is that paradoxical business organization logic path.

Faster good choices are better.

Few good “choicers” <people who can do the first thought> available.

Many within organization believes they are good ‘choicers’  <and permitting them to make choices has a paradox effect of building their personal self-esteem as ‘good choicers’ while actually implementing less than optimal choices thereby encouraging poor choice making>.

Organizations, to be more efficient & effective, should drive choices <all> to the select few good ‘choicers’

Unselected majority ultimately grumpy <but organization actually benefits>.

Wow.

That is not only a paradox but a Gordian knot <or in layman’s terms … ‘playing Twister with your organization’>.

 

Look.

All I am suggesting is that some people are really good at making ‘impatient choices.’ They have that mental clarity that actually improves in impatient moments … and the maturity to slow down the moment and say ‘let’s not be so quick to make haste’ <and actually be right about it>.

But not everyone is like this.

And, in fact, they are a minority.

impatience clarityI imagine the optimal world would be to funnel all choices through this minority.

Imagine being the key word … because that is an imaginary world. We couldn’t do it.

If your life, or your business, has one or two … use them, preserve them, foster them … and trust them <you will go farther than you ever imagined>.

If you do not have the luxury of having one of them around <which by the way … is an entire article on how most of us suck at accepting someone is better at this than we are> you have to learn to manage impatience. Yeah. Easier said than done.

I imagine the point here is by acknowledging and accepting the issue gives you the opportunity to actually deal with the issue.

 

And in the end … organizational impatience leads to the permitting of poor choices <and a quicker death of a thousand cuts>.

Personal impatience in choice making probably just leads to general unhappiness <kind of a different thousand little cuts>.

Dealing with impatience … and balancing impatience & patience ? … well … it ain’t for the faint of heart.

13 and new year predictions

December 31st, 2012

I am not superstitious. I have worn 13 <although 15 or 5 seemed to be what I wore all the time> and I seem no worse for the wear.

But we now enter a 13.

2013.

Here is the good news.

The ancient Egyptians believed that, on the last rung of a 13 step ladder to eternity, the soul would find everlasting life.

I like that.

And I personally believe this 13 will be a lucky year globally <especially now that we have resolved the whole Mayan calendar issue>.

I believe several things but mostly despite the fact there will be some disgruntling issues <slower economy than people really want, unresolved issues in the Middle East … crap like that>, that globally we will take a step up on the ladder to an everlasting soul.

We maybe even take a couple steps up.

Here are my 2013 predictions … or maybe better said … my thoughts for 2013. There are only 11 but that leaves room for 2 more to be added at a later date.

Let me begin with where I believe we will really need to step up <but probably will not>:

1. Youth unemployment

This is about hiring as well as what we do with them when we do hire them. The young are getting screwed in a number of ways. And while being unemployed seems like the biggest it is actually only the first domino in what we need to be sure we address.  By being unemployed there are 3 key issues we need to be prepared to deal with:

-          Lack of training: typically as we hire young people we have lower expectations for what they are capable of doing. We permit them some time for ‘on the ground training’ as they gain experience. The longer they stay unemployed the longer they miss out on this practical training. Now. Most unemployed youth are not remaining mentally idle … they are thinking, observing & improving personally. This translates into a new, different type of entering workforce. Existing management needs to think about that … very carefully. It represents a challenge … and an opportunity.

My main prediction? Existing management will fuck this up. They will remain with status quo thinking and get poor results … but most importantly … we will miss an opportunity with this generation of youth.

-          Lack of earnings: studies have shown the longer you wait to begin your earning history the less you earn in your lifetime <for a variety of reasons>. Short term this may not mean a lot but long term there is a huge issue with regards to earning history, savings and lifetime net worth.

My main prediction? Existing management will fuck this up. Mainly because they will only see the short term as an opportunity to get an older, more mature, cheaper employee and not recognize the longer term issues that will arise.

-          Lack of ROY <return on youth>: youth and young people are the cheapest innovation engine in any organization. While typically overlooked in an innovation model their innate ability to provide a fresh perspective through fresh eyes is invaluable. Organizations may not recognize their current loss with the ‘lack of youth’ within their organizations but it is having an impact. It has a domino effect within an organization. Without the ‘hidden youth engine’ more pressure will fall on older employees for innovative ideas … and these employees are more focused on ‘safe behavior to maintain employment” and … well … you can see where this ends up.

I have a much longer article coming up on this but suffice it to say this will be a big issue in 2013 … and it will be one I am not confident we will manage well.

2. Education

I call this the hollowing of education. And I believe it is the most overlooked issue with regard to education today. Everyone seems to be focused on “average scores” in assessing education. Silly. Education’s issue is actually the increasing hollow between the haves and the have nots. Richer kids are getting better educations. Poorer kids are getting worse educations. Richer kids are getting better scores and stack up well versus the best of the best everywhere. Poorer kids are getting worse scores and stack up poorly versus even the middle of the rest of the world. The average score looks worse because more kids are getting worse scores than the kids who are getting great scores.

My prediction is that we will continue to focus on the wrong things and the bulk of kids will continue getting a shitty education.

Okay.

Here is where I think we will step up to the plate, the good things, and actually do in 2013.

-          Global economy

I admit that I have a different perspective on this. Mainly because I believe the past double digit growth was not normal but rather simply just a “good run” economically. In addition I also believe structurally the global economy is going through a renovation as emerging countries gain an economic foothold and the larger economies are subsequently playing a smaller role. I believe Fareed Zakaria calls this ‘the rise of the rest.’ Western economies need to recognize not that they are smaller but that smaller players have become bigger. People may be disappointed by what is perceived as smaller growth numbers but, globally, individual country’s economies will restructure to become more profitable & efficient and be in a position to have another ‘good economic run’ in maybe 3 to 5 years. Yes. I am suggesting 2013 will be a good year for global economy because it will pay off in the long term rather than short term.

I know … crazy thinking.

-          China & US

A lot has been made about the upcoming struggle between China & US for global leadership as well as some relatively wacky diatribes on the US dependence upon China fiscally.

In general I think 2013 will be a good year for this relationship. The truth is that each country needs the other economically. China has been a major funder of US innovation & infrastructural spending and US has been the number one consumer of China productivity. This mutual dependence may create some issues but I also believe it will create some good programs as each country tries to limit their dependence on each other. By the way … that interdependence also assists in foreign policy discussions. We should worry when neither is dependent upon the other … and 2013 is not that time.

-          Global poverty

Mostly because I am too lazy to look up the specific numbers I won’t quote specifics. But my memory suggests we made some significant inroads to reducing global poverty in 2012. And I envision that we will have another very good year in 2013 in addressing global poverty.

Poverty is attacked through education and ‘survival infrastructure’ <access to clean water & proper nutrients>. We seem to finally be taking steps to build the foundation globally so that people can lift themselves out of poverty.

And, while the media seems to suggest that the world is in turmoil, they are actually wrong. Poverty is being eliminated mainly because of stability & lack of turmoil. Many of the emerging countries are more stable <economically & politically> than ever before and that permits their population to survive <and be productive> rather than be transient & at war. So I imagine a secondary prediction to poverty reduction is increased peace globally.

-          Someone will break a meaningful sports record <and Messi will solidify his legacy>

2012 was a spectacular sports year … in fact … almost unprecedented.

Usain Bolt at the Olympics? A Brit in the Wimbledon finals? A baseball triple crown winner? A running back coming with 9 yards of a single season rushing record <and one year after tearing his knee to shreds>? Messi scoring more goals in one year than anyone else?

Records were broken. Things were done that hadn’t been done in decades.

So for 2013 I will begin with Messi. Scoring records are tricky things because most people just look at it as a “quantity record” and there will always be someone figuring out a way to diminish quantity. But every once in a while a superior athlete in their sport comes along and breaks a scoring record with quality. Wayne Gretzky did it in hockey. Messi just did it in soccer. In 2013 he will be recognized not for his quantity of goals but rather his wizardry on the pitch. His legacy will be solidified in 2013.

And someone will break some sports record we cannot imagine ever being broken. I will not even attempt to guess what it will be mostly because who would have ever predicted a guy who tore his anterior cruciate would actually get back on the football field the following season and run for over 2000 yards? That is why predicting record breaking is almost next to impossible. We are talking about sports freaks of nature.

-          Diplomacy will reign in foreign policy

War and death is at an all-time low globally. And yet it seems like we constantly teeter on the edge of war & death. I won’t comment on how media skews our perspective here but I will suggest that in 2013 global foreign policy will re-establish diplomacy as the key action to a productive interlocking global community in 2013.

I believe more soldiers in more countries will remain in their homes in 2013 than in previous years.

I believe foreign policy leaders <who will avoid politics> will rise above the din of the hawks & doves clamoring for ‘here is what you should do’ and collectively find diplomatic solutions for the globe’s most unsettled situations. Will it last? Geez. Skip down to the second prediction from here and you will see ‘power of the people.’ Foreign policy diplomats can only set up a successful infrastructure but it is the people who end up having the responsibility to make it work. I cannot predict people’s <populations> actions.

But I can predict foreign policy and I think it will be a very good year for foreign policy diplomats. In a government universe that often looks like a huge village of idiots they will rise above the incompetence and be incredibly competent on the world stage.

-          USA will begin believing in itself again.

We are a stubborn egotistical nation … but magnificently resilient. At some point we will remember what made US great wasn’t being number one … it was being number 2 … and trying harder. Frankly we are better as a country when we are competing and not being the prohibitive favorite to win. I think in 2013 <maybe later in the year rather than the beginning> the US will quit whining about what was and will get on with “what will be.” And they will begin believing in itself again. And it will start competing again.

I am not suggesting infrastructural issues will be resolved … but I do believe that people will begin believing they can beat the infrastructure. Beat the system. And you know what? The system can be beat. It is absolutely not a fair system in the US at the moment <the USA has a depressingly low score on social mobility … the ability to shift economic status upwards> but I believe people will just say ‘fuck it … if I wait for the system to get fixed I may as well wait until a woman wins the Masters golf tournament.’

The people will take matters into their own hands and begin believing in whatever it is that US believes in <just do it, do it myself, whatever you want to call it>.

The economy will improve not because of more government or less government … in fact the government & taxes & stimulus is irrelevant … it will be because people’s attitudes will change. They will just believe it should be better and will set out to make it better … regardless of the system they are asked to operate within.

Which leads me to the next … power of the people.

-          Power of the people

There are 2 aspects to this belief for 2013.

People themselves and the impact of the people.

First. People.

Western countries have the non-humble belief they are constantly teaching every one else … well … everything. I actually believe western countries will be applying learning from others in 2013. In fact they will learn from the Middle East. We watched the past several years as people in countries began standing up and topping their leadership. Now. I believe we are less focused on the toppling and more focused on the fact people are standing up and speaking out for their beliefs … and getting some traction and action. Therefore more and more people will be less silent and more active.

This will obviously create some issues because most existing countries populations are not aligned and therefore it could end up being more divisive … but in the end people will become less ‘silent majority’ and more ‘speaking majority.’ It will not all be productive but it will certainly produce some action.

Second. The impact.

I almost created a separate prediction called “the continued rise of the nation state” but realized that this is but a subset of the power of the people. If you haven’t been paying attention there is an increasing trend of devolving larger nation states to smaller nation states. This is a natural evolution of countries but it is also a reflection of a more vocal ‘people.’ Sudan splitting. Yugoslavia splitting. Catalonia discussing splitting from Spain. States with secession petitions in the US. Regardless … as people step up and speak out they also think more ‘nationalized’ in a smaller tighter way. It is natural. We tend to forget that Germany as it exists has only existed since 1871 <not counting the split between East & West after WW2>. Italy has only existed since 1861. USA in its current 50 state form since 1959. Heck. Poland didn’t exist for 100 years in the 1800s when it was part of Germany/Austria/Russia. Countries evolve and devolve. I believe we are in a devolution phase. Where will it happen next? I do not know. But I predict it will <or begin to> in 2013.

-          Purge of the politicians

I believe it is going to be a very bad year to be a politician in a western country in 2013. Mostly because of what I just wrote <power of the people> and also because … well … they have shown no indication they can do what is right to date. And with pressure from people? I cannot envision their lives getting any easier.  From Argentina to the US to Germany to Spain … people are sick of politicians and their ineffectiveness. At some point politicians will have to step up and explain to people why they are worthy of representing people … or they will be purged … or just become irrelevant.

Which leads me to my last prediction … about a new breed of leaders.

-          The rise of leaders

I do believe it is going to be a great, not good, year for new leaders. Now. We may not recognize them as true leaders in 2013 but I envision 2013 as the year our next generation of great leaders will arise from the turmoil.

I believe I will call this new leadership group … the sifters. They will have the ability to sift through the loud voices, the silent voices and their peer’s voices … and decide what is right … and do it <whether it is ‘popular’ or not>. For example … in the USA it is going to be the ones who stand up and go “we need to raise taxes <on everyone not just the wealthy> and we need to make spending cuts and we need to revamp entitlement programs and we need to regulate businesses until they can prove they can be trustworthy and we need to make government departments accountable … or we eliminate them.” Basically we will find a new group of young leaders who will explain common sense … even if it is some unpopular common sense … and tell people the truth … and do what needs to be done.

This is going to happen not only in the USA but also France, Great Britain, Italy, Spain, Chile, Mexico, Argentina, Brazil and a number of other ‘developed countries.’

This is one prediction I will put money on.

We may not reap the full benefits of this group for another 5 to 10 years but I believe we will look back on 2013 as the year of the rise of the great leaders.

I purposefully ended my 2013 predictions with that last one on leaders. And I did so as I circle back to how I started this post … globally we will take a step up on the ladder to an everlasting soul.

I believe 2013 will be a very good year for our global soul. Will it be easy? Nope. Because nothing as important as this ever is. But collectively we are grasping the concept of global citizenship. That doesn’t mean we will think less ‘nationally’ but rather we are beginning to understand the fact our individual actions impact the global community more and more.

When we speak there is someone miles and miles away who hears.

When we act our actions echo in far corners of places we cannot even pronounce the name of.

When we listen we hear wisdom from places we never knew had wise people.

We have a ways to go but I do believe we will take a step up on that ladder in 2013.

present or imagined

October 31st, 2012

“Present fears are less than horrible imaginings.” – Macbeth after seeing the witches

So.

I figured I would use witches on Halloween to share a Life thought.

Shakespeare was a pretty insightful guy <as well as a darn good writer>. He had a nasty habit of capturing some every day, every common person thinking in his classic work which made it thoughtfully entertaining.

A truth – we people do have a habit of fearing ‘what could be’ a lot.

Macbeth is interesting because it is sort of about ‘overcoming’ imagined fear.

The fear of ‘what if.’

Macbeth tries to convince himself the witches have foretold a ‘truth’ and therefore the prophecies <the imagined> they shared with him can’t be all that bad <because they are simply ‘what will be’ and not imagined.

Now.

This doesn’t come easy to Macbeth <as it wouldn’t be easy for you or I or anyone for that matter to take advice from a witch> because he invests a shitload of energy wondering … if the witches’ prophecies are good, then why does the horrid image doth unfix my hair … and make my seated heart knock at my ribs.

He is scared <as anyone one of us would be if three witches appeared in front of us let alone even talked to us>.

In his scared-shitness he says to himself … “present fears are less than horrible imaginings.”

He means that the fear that you feel in the face of actual danger cannot be nearly as bad as the fear of imagined danger. Basically he is talking himself into not being scared shitless and doing whatever he needs to do to be king <the point here isn’t that you probably won’t be a king/queen if you overcome your imagined fears – I didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up – but that you are more likely to attain ‘the next stop on your ambition Metro line’ if you can overcome fear and move on>.

He makes himself believe that tomorrow’s actions cannot possibly be as frightening as he now feels it is.

It is a good lesson for us even if you don’t have any witches around to prompt you to doing what you should be doing.

Oh.

Shakespeare also makes a point that having some fear is actually good for us <whoa … now THERE is a thought>.

Before Macbeth goes to visit the witches Hecate orders them to create illusions that will make Macbeth “spurn fate, scorn death, and bear his hopes ‘bove wisdom, grace and fear”.

Well, well, well.

Shakespeare suggests that fear is your friend. Even better?  He suggests that the opposite is dangerous … “security is mortals’ chiefest enemy.”

When the witches present the apparitions to Macbeth, it is their intention to convince him that he has nothing to fear <actually … to convince him to put hope above fear if I want to be true to the words in the play>.

And, actually, I like that thought better.

How do you overcome horrible imaginings? Focus on the hope for something better.

Good life lesson.

It is also in MacBeth that the witches share the conundrum of Life to Macbeth:

First Witch: Lesser than Macbeth, and greater.

Second Witch: Not so happy, yet much happier.

Third Witch: Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.

Shakespeare throws in a nifty common everyday life ‘horrible imagining’ here … the reality that Life is a contradiction <therefore nothing is simple>.

The ability to be lesser and yet greater.

To be not so happy and yet be happier.

To be a king and, yet, not.

Geez. What could be worse than the non-absolute?

Of course … what could be better than the non-absolute?

<darn those witches>

Fear keeps us sharp … as long as it doesn’t freeze us into inaction.

My only advice?

Don’t wait for some witches to stop by and tell you this.

Although. On Halloween night I guess anything is possible.

In closing …

MACBETH <closing the scene>: Till then, enough. Come, friends.

Exeunt.

Happy Halloween.

poor self esteem is an equal opportunity employer

October 29th, 2012

According to recent Dove Global research, only 11% of girls worldwide are comfortable using the word “beautiful” to describe themselves. In fact, when girls feel bad about their looks, more than 70% (age 15-17) avoid normal daily activities, such as attending school, going to the doctor, or even giving their opinion.

So.

While poor self esteem may be an equal opportunity employer it seems like it is making a concerted effort to recruit the female population … and begin the recruiting at a fairly young age. Let’s say about 13 is what poor self-esteem has identified as the key recruiting age.

We have all heard of the terms self-concept, self-image or self-esteem.

Simplistically.

Self-esteem is a measure of how you feel about yourself. Good self-esteem is when you have a favorable opinion or judgment about yourself and, ultimately, liking and respecting yourself.

Now. While self-esteem is important to everyone I tend to believe it is especially important to pay attention to <we adults> because Life can be a little harsh toward young girls and, eventually, women <by the way … contrary to popular belief, research has shown that there are no significant differences in the way boys and girls feel about themselves during those periods of development>.

And the truth is (and I do have research … but this just seems like common sense) that the longer you feel unappreciated and taken advantage of, the worse you will feel about yourself <especially when you aren’t in a relationship where someone appreciates you> but, in general, the worse you will feel about yourself when you are alone … that alone time where your thoughts gnaw at you.

I admit I get a little pissed off when I view low self esteem in young girls, and those young girls who have turned into women, because it is needless. Not that we can solve all self-esteem issues but we can certainly take significant steps at key moments in a young girl’s life to manage it … if not even completely head off self esteem issues.

All that said let me highlight what one company is doing to address this.

Dove and the Dove girl’s self-esteem campaign.

And it is brilliant not because it will sell one bar of Dove soap <it may … but I will leave all that analysis to the brand building experts> but rather because it is a great example of the right brand offering the right message with the right objective. And doing what is … well … right.

Let me begin with the video that kicked off this Dove self esteem fun initiative. It is called “onslaught:”

Dove Onslaught: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJN-3yTr3KU

Okay. After watching that video do we doubt this factoid?:

“72% of all girls say they feel pressure to be beautiful.”

<note: everyone should read the guest post my friend Jen wrote called ‘all dolled up’ which also points ot the messaging in women’s magazine which I also believe feeds into this issue> http://brucemctague.com/all-dollop-ed-up-with-no-place-to-go-2’>

Now.

Dove. A bunch of people will probably write about how this is a smart marketing idea (consistent with brand, establishes the product positively with a young audience, bla, bla, bla) so I will write about how this is just a good human idea.

Self esteem in youth is tricky in general. Young girls? Exponentially trickier. If you can solve it (or at least manage it) the benefits carry over into a healthier adulthood. And that is why I love this campaign as a human idea.

And let me say that the web video is something they should be proud of. I cannot imagine the political maze and how many meetings they must have had with corporate communications (remember…Dove is a Unilever brand) discussing risk and crisis management and media relations and all the crap everyone worries about when you actually take a stand on something.  The video takes the issue head on.

<Well done, Dove>

I also like that it does a couple things:

-          Mainly it opens the discussion

-          They make the discussion about perfection within the imperfections

-          and it also takes on society pressure head on <and Dove is part of a health & beauty company for gods sake>. The campaign aims to boost self-esteem by reshaping the definitions of beauty forced on viewers by the beauty industry.

Now.

I am not suggesting appearance is the only self-esteem issue that should be discussed but feeling comfortable in your own skin is especially important to young girls. Research shows that it is around the age 13 when self-esteem and appearance reaches a critical point. Let us call it a defining moment in their lives.

Bottom line is that it is wrong to tell CHILDREN (not just girls) that “this person is attractive, therefore, this person is better than you and you will never be attractive as long as you don’t look like this person.”

Look.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make yourself pretty as long as you’re not going to extreme lengths like most of the beauty industry promotes.

Being comfortable with your appearance, and not feeling odd or even simply ‘unusual’ is important because having a good self-esteem is needed in youth both today and tomorrow.

I tend to believe we all see young girls struggle with confidence and perception issues as they move into this tween period. It is a tough time in many ways. The crossover from being just a girl to a maturing young tween.

Yes, I know adult women have these issues too, but I would argue the root of the issues resides somewhere in their past.  I think the series of videos Dove produced do a great job of gaining attention and making adult women aware of the program … and hopefully remind them they can do something to insure it doesn’t happen to tomorrow’s future female generation.

Dove Self Esteem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIe0FSvnycY

<and it is excellent use of music … using probably one of the unique women … who was probably esteem-challenged in her youth … Cyndi Lauper>

Every girl, yes, every girl <traditionally pretty or nontraditionally pretty> will go through a phase where self-image and self-esteem are questioned and molded. During this self-examination phase it is important to establish a healthy sense of self-worth and maintain well-being. Unfortunately I believe we need to proactively cultivate and engage the activities and relationships that will build up rather than tear down. Yes. We need to ‘proactively’ take steps. Because, left alone, society will kill self esteem with a death of a thousand cuts.

We need to proactively remind all young girls that they have strengths and weakness, and it’s important to begin focusing on the positive attributes and start building from there. And even if it is difficult to see these strengths (and it becomes easy to suggest to yourself  … well  … that isn’t really a strength  … someone is a lot better at it then I am … but that’s not the point) we need to remind, and teach, young girls to grab onto their own strengths and hold onto them. And that is a responsibility we adults need to assume <because society will not>. Silence just will not hack it in this case. If you let that ever-hyperactive tween mind wrestle with the doubts and societal cuts it is a self-esteem accident waiting to happen.

One Tree Hill Brooke

Anyway.

This topic also reminded me of a One Tree Hill episode in which each of the students as a class assignment had to define themselves. One of the characters, Brooke, who is smart, beautiful, popular who only defines herself through the negative … through her ‘self seen’ flaws … finally, with the help of a friend/classmate, sees herself in a different, more positive/stronger, way.

I am not recommending everyone watch One Tree Hill <although this one episode is a defining episode> but it points out that self awareness leads to addressing self esteem issues <and, in her case, leads to a happy ending>.

“What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”

“The story of the human race is the story of men and women selling themselves short.” – Maslow

Now.

Does this end up being an example of maybe ‘are we teaching them they are better than someone else’? Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no. sometimes they are actually better and sometimes not. But it doesn’t matter. We are teaching them they are what they are good at and it is okay to understand that being good at something doesn’t mean you are the “best’ but rather you are good at something. We end up teaching them to work with whatever their strengths and natural abilities are.

————

Research factoid:

-          Researchers at the University of Basel in Switzerland made this finding after analyzing U.S. survey data of more than 7,000 young adults from 1994 to 2008. The participants ranged in age from 14 to 30 years. Over the course of 14 years, the study authors examined how five personality traits (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness and neuroticism) affected the youth’s self-esteem. In addition, the researchers also looked at the participants’ sense of life mastery, risk-taking tendencies, gender, ethnicity, health and income. “We tested for factors that we thought would have an impact on how self-esteem develops … understanding the trajectory of self-esteem is important to pinpointing and timing interventions that could improve people’s self-esteem.”

The researchers found that conscientiousness, emotional stability, a feeling of mastery and being extraverted are key to predicting the direction a person’s self-esteem will take as they grow up, and that income did not affect this course.

—————

Why do I believe we really need to get our shit together in helping tweens <say 11 til 14 in particular> in dealing with self esteem?

Well. Several things make you the person you are today. Confidence and self esteem and emotional intelligence. And you aren’t given these things when you are born. You accumulate them and they grow into what you “have” as time goes on.

Our self-image is an accumulation of years. From childhood on on we collect ideas of how smart we are or how non-smart, whether we are confident or have specific fears, we decide how we look in comparison to our peers and the list goes on and on. Oh. And then society steps up to the plate. And they pile on to everything you have stored in your head.

(insert you are not good enough image)

Basically our entire self-image has been made up from all our experiences throughout our childhood. We carry these beliefs, whether they have any truth to them or not, into the post-tween years and into adullthood. And at the core of whether we are happy or sad people, successful or unsuccessful, is our self esteem and self image. It is true we are what we believe we should be.

People with low self-esteem have a very distorted image of themselves. In a book called ‘Self-Esteem’ <McKay and Fanning> they use the analogy of a circus mirror where all our assets are minimized or twisted, and all our defects are magnified.

Youth or childhood certainly plays an integral role. This is what makes up the differences of people in society, for some their self-image has been molded and shaped in a very positive way. Yet for others it can be drastically damaged through destructive criticism received throughout their childhood.

All adults play a big role in the person’s development. Yes. All adults.

Okay. The role of appearance in the self esteem issue?

I actually think of all this as ‘abusive verbal experiences <’you look different’>’ which join with cultural messages to assault female self esteem. This kind of subtle abuse is pervasive and cuts across all socioeconomic lines. It invariably sends the message that the victim is worthless … or certainly that they are not even close to being the best.

And I bring up verbal abuse because many women believe that verbal abuse has hurt them far more than any physical act. As one woman has put it, “words scarred my soul.”

And women whose abuse started as children have the most fragile sense of identity and self worth.

Poor self esteem often results in depression and anxiety. Physical health suffers as well. Many times, women with low self esteem don’t go for regular checkups, exercise, or take personal days because they really don’t think they’re worth the time.

Relationships are impacted as well. Their needs are not met by their partner because they feel like they don’t deserve to have them met, or are uncomfortable asking. Their relationships with children can suffer if they are unable to discipline effectively, set limits, or demand the respect they deserve.

Worse yet, low self-esteem passes from mother to daughter. The mother is modeling what a woman is. She is also modeling, for her sons, what a wife is.

And it bleeds into the workplace where women with low self-esteem tend to be self-deprecating, to minimize their accomplishments, or let others take credit for their work. They never move up.

Well. that was depressing to write.

And even more depressing? We can do something about it … but we don’t seem to do anything.

I say all this to say the obvious … building self esteem at a young age is important because people with high self-esteem tend to do well and achieve success in their life because they feel confident about themselves mentally, emotionally, physically and socially.

It is a truth, a fact as it were, that no one goes through life unscathed. Poor self esteem is an equal opportunity employer.

Okay. We can do something about this.

I am going to focus on adults here. I will being with something someone wrote:

Life is a hard situation but one sure way a parent can help a young girl is to help the teen build their confidence and self worth. A teen with high self confidence and self-esteem are not simply manipulated into making the incorrect decisions because they don’t feel the pressure of the crowd.

Parents should be in a position to teach their youths that folks come in all shapes and sizes that way they will be ready to be more accepting of their physical features and would also be non-judgmental of others. Inspire them to get into activities where the field is equal. Good social skills, and confidence in self, helps a teen deal with differing types of scenarios and people. And guiding them to utilize their strengths helps because excelling in anything can enhance a young person’s confidence and self esteem.

Parents cannot be there all of the time but they must be ready to lend a hand when their kids need a hand to hold on to. For sure there’ll be screw ups along the way but a little failure is always a good sign. Most importantly, you must teach resilience to your kids.

Parents are not designed to shield their youngsters from discomfort and discomfort but rather for them to make certain they can go through pain and pain and then come out fine. Ensure that it is clear that you will never abandon them no matter what. Respect their autonomy by giving them the vote of confidence that they can handle any situation

Good thoughts.

And you don’t need to be some radical cheerleader.

It is a research driven truth that quiet expressed belief in a child has more impact than being a loud cheerleader.

That quiet belief leads to quiet <inner> strength.

Which is important because in life it’s difficult to stay tough specially when things and people around you keep pulling you down.

We should also be teaching young girls that they have their own identity. They do not get defined by us <adults> … i.e., if your parent is a failure in some way, it doesn’t mean you have to be a failure too.

And we should teach them they can learn from other people’s experience so they can avoid the same mistakes because you are … well … you … and not them.

I do not believe some people are born leaders or positive thinkers. I do believe being positive, and staying positive, and leading … is a choice.

Building self esteem and drawing lines for self improvement is a choice, not a rule or a talent.

Because, once again, in life it is hard to stay tough specially when things and society and people around you keep tearing at you.

We need to teach them that Life isn’t always easy. You are going to get hit, and even bruised, by life. You have to be resilient. But resiliency implies you have a good foundation to protect. That foundation is the right attitude, the right behavior and the right way of thinking.

If we start to teach our young people that if they become responsible for who they are, what they have and what they do … it effectively spreads out into the rest of their life – the today and the tomorrow life.

These are smart girls.

One day they will be smart women.

This young tween age a defining moment. A reflection moment some day in the future. A point on which they will reflect upon their actions and life.

If they are ashamed?  It will gnaw at them.

And that is why I applaud Dove for taking this step. Their actions today try and build the women of tomorrow.

now

October 8th, 2012

“… I see NOW is my moment. Taking the time to listen for the answers to my questions. I guess NOW is always our moment even if it is only etching out one little piece of the bigger picture.”

Mindy Smith

People are always reflecting. I guess we do it because we are … well … human. We do it not because we second guess or just want to beat the crap out of ourselves  but more likely with the intent to improve ourselves in some form or fashion. We reflect to move forward better.

I came across this quote from musician Mindy Smith.

While musicians are always reflecting upon their creativity with an eye to “what comes next” I imagine all of us do this thought, and thinking, in our own way. It is not just a creative process thing. It is a Life thing. But this thought really stood out for me because it is about now, and listening, and questioning … and a recognition that now is ALWAYS our moment … if we elect it to be.

This doesn’t mean every moment is a ‘NOW’ moment but rather you can make any moment a ‘NOW’ moment of you choose to <I hope that makes sense>.

That is a really really big thought.

I know many people struggle with the concept of maximizing each moment. I know I do. You kind of want to but kind of also believe it is not very practical. And then you also wonder if you are choosing the ‘right’ moments to maximize. It can be a tiring process especially in reflection.

Mindy <I think> is suggesting you just find ‘now’ moments. And in that moment, for that brief time, it is an important moment because YOU stopped, and took the time to listen for answers to your questions. The moment was important because you made it so.

That is an inspiring thought. It is a free-ing thought. And a hopeful thought.

But. Here is where she really inspires.

I believe a lot of people diminish a reflective moment as unimportant because they are … well … simply reflective <and not active or ‘action-oriented>. You didn’t really ‘do’ something tangible.

She suggests each moment etches, one little piece at a time, the bigger picture.

This is a really really nice quote.

But it is an even nicer thought.

I have always liked her music <and loved her voice> but this thought she shares is spectacular.

This quote comes from a wonderfully articulated, very personal, thought on her new song “Closer”:

“Many times in life’s journey, we find ourselves disoriented. For me, I make destructive decisions that can distract me from my ultimate goal. I think I am making the right choices and staying close to my agenda but I just run off course. In ‘Closer,’ I see the North Star as the prize. One that I am always getting so close to but unable to grab a hold of and then it eludes me. Personally this song paints a picture of how I see my musical career and that I see NOW is my moment. Taking the time to listen for the answers to my questions. I guess NOW is always our moment even if it is only etching out one little piece of the bigger picture.”

I think it is a thought all of us could relate to.

(note: I am going to write about it but her new cd, called Mindy Smith, is a wonderful compilation of music and song writing)

getting out of the hole

August 24th, 2012

“It is easy to go down into hell; night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide; but to climb back again, to retrace one’s steps to the upper air – there’s the rub, the task.” – Virgil

So.

There’s nothing like great literature to help you think about life.

I think this is his way of saying it sure is easier going down then up.

With anything.

But that’s the thing. No matter how far down you go, even to what feels like hell, you will have the chance to climb back out.

It takes a lot of strength of character, and most likely a shitload of persistence and resilience to do it, but it can be done. Yeah, it can be done <despite the fact it can get pretty dark in that hole>.

The quote also reminds me of one of my favorite West Wing scenes.

Leo tells Josh a story <In Episode #32 Noël>:

“This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out.

“A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

“Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on

“Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.’”

(the west wing clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQJ6yqQRAQs)

I imagine I added this part to the Virgil thought because sometimes retracing your steps out of hell is … well … more than just a task.

Sometimes it is just a different kind of hell in itself.

And sometimes you need help.

In fact sometimes you need someone who has actually climbed back out.

Someone who has reemerged from the gates of dark Death. Someone who knows how to retrace your steps.

Now. This is a difficult thing to do. Asking for help as well as deciding who to trust. Because not all people who have actually visited hell and made it out are created equal. Just because they shared the experience does not make them the right ‘helper.’

So.

I can’t help you out on this one other than to make this observation. I believe everyone has to make this type of judgment, and decision, all by their lonesome.

Life has a nasty habit of testing almost all of us at one point or another.

And I also believe Life took a shitload of classes in varieties of hell just for … well … the hell of it.

Just to complete its education, to insure as it guided us through time we experienced all the good and bad we should, Life makes sure we visit all the places we should visit before we are done with this wacky thing called life.

I have used this quote before and a good friend of mine shared the infamous Winston Churchill quote “when in hell keep going” which is maybe the most important advice <obviously because if you stop, and stand still, hell will not go away so you stay>. And ‘keep going’ is possibly the most important thought because as Friedrich Nietzsche said … “And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.” Because if you fight the darkness of the hole by standing and fighting you run the risk of becoming the darkness itself. The abyss gazes back at you which means that when you begin to understand something you take a piece of it with you and it changes you.

But. That said.

Life isn’t, and shouldn’t be, a single’s match. At minimum it is a double’s match <at minimum to double the joys and halve the griefs> and at its best it is a team sport. Not to suggest visiting hell is a sport but hell is part of Life’s game … just one inning, quarter, period, portion, piece … and getting through it is easier, and sometimes necessary, if you are not doing it alone.

So, yes, you should keep going … but … well … maybe look around for some help at the same time. Because getting out of the hole is difficult and having some help cannot hurt your chances.

i have never understood the absurd

August 23rd, 2012

Well.  This is about a poem.

Oh.

The ‘the words of life I have never understood’ line alone probably makes this worthwhile to share. But the entire <short> poem is a good insightful read.

Here is the poem:

In my voice

there is at least a sign

of living geometry

the words of life

I have never understood

the absurd

difference that runs

between death and the illusion

of the heart’s beating.

- salvatore quasimodo

The geometry of what I have never understood.

That summarizes pretty much what all of us think about life. There is a formulaic aspect of life … or … well … at least it feels likes there is … and yet we struggle to make the formula work.

Why?

The absurd differences that run between life and death. The absurdity of life as it were. The absurdity that geometry has no formula for. It is difficult to make sense of the absurd. It is difficult to understand the living geometry <in its constant changing shapes and sizes>.

Life is a living geometry in which we are constantly seeing, and learning, new angles and edges and shapes.

And sometimes it appears absurd only because we have never seen the shapes before … or maybe we were never taught that particular geometry.

I imagine, in the end, we would like to believe that life has nothing really new & original to throw at us and we can be <even if we aren’t actually> prepared for the odd geometric shapes life share with us.

And that belief is false.

Life is absurd.

It is a living geometry and you can drive yourself absolutely nuts if you think you ‘should have known’ or ‘been prepared’ or ‘could have learned’ whatever it is that you are being approached by that is throwing you a curve ball. Absolutely frickin’ nuts.

Life is the ‘absurd that runs between death and illusion.’

Accept it … or … well … go nuts.

Enlightened Conflict