Enlightened Conflict

a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me

September 6th, 2016

 

 fear bird fly fall never do life

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“What I fear I avoid.

What I fear I pretend does not exist.

What I fear is quietly killing me.

 

Would there were a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me, what is lost in me.

 

Let the light in before it is too late. “

 

 

 Jeanette Winterson from “The Green Man”

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There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.”

 

 

Andre Gide

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Ok.

liar fear

 

 

There is no such thing as fearless and a fearless person is a … well … lie.

 

Oh.

 

Maybe there is with those badass guys who do special forces and know mental voodoo which enables to kick the shit out of people and not die.

 

 

But for most of us schmucks?

 

We all have some fear about something. And we are lying if we do not admit that. Now. It is quite possible we hesitate to embrace this thought because … uhm … it implies we have some coward within us.

 

Wow.

 

That sounds shitty.

 

Who the hell wants to ever say that about themselves? <answer: no one>

 

But maybe what helps us get over that cowardly angst is the recognition that it is actually fear of fear which probably causes more problems in our lives than fear itself.

 

That said.

 

I am not suggesting that makes it any easier in practicality just that maybe recognizing a monster is half the battle to killing a monster.

 

 

Anyway.

 

brainsnacks 5 fears we all have

………… brainsnacks 5 fears we all have ………..

 

Some smart psychologist at Brainsnacks suggests there are 5 basic fears that everyone has:

 

 

Fear of failure? Read it as fear of ego-death.

Fear of rejection? That’s fear of separation, and probably also fear of ego-death.

The terror many people have at the idea of having to speak in public is basically fear of ego-death.

Fear of intimacy, or “fear of commitment,” is basically fear of losing one’s autonomy.

Shame and guilt express the fear of—or the actual condition of—separation and even ego-death. The same is true for embarrassment and humiliation.

 

 

I thought that was interesting but most of us think about fear in our own ways, read books on how to deal with it and we either figure it out or we don’t.

And honestly … some do and some don’t.

 

I will suggest that facing fear is probably the biggest impediment to success <even beyond poverty, existing circumstances, etc.>.

 

We often give our fears far too much power by believing they are bigger than they really are.

 

Look.

 

I am not suggesting that fear doesn’t exist I am simply suggesting we often permit fear to take on superhuman powers and intergalactic sizes in our minds.

 

If you agree with that thought then it appears seeking to be successful may mean not actually eliminating fear … but simply making it into bite sized portions more easily swallowed.

 

 

Or maybe … would there were a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me.

 

Regardless.

 

Choose however you elect to deal with fear. But choose.

 

Because you don’t choose at your own peril <what I fear is quietly killing me >.

 

fear of suffering worseHere’s the deal.

 

All people fear failure.

 

Everyone.

 

And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

 

There is no such thing as a fearless person.

 

It’s just that some people set it aside and go forth striving to seek something that lies somewhere beyond the fear.

 

Across the chasm as it were.

 

The French call this  “l’appel du vide” in French< compulsion to jump from high places or “the call of the void”>. But the truth is that ‘some’ does not equal ‘most.’ Not many people are truly tempted to jump from the edge into a void.

Most of us just talk about it <and we like talking about it>. But most do not do it. Not because they aren’t tempted by the challenge but rather because they fear what comes from stepping out into the void.

 

Do most people mind being challenged <attempting to do that which they have not done>?

 

Absolutely not.

 

The majority of people do like meeting challenges and that satisfaction which comes from meeting the challenge. I believe it is because you have not only ‘bested’ the challenge but you have also ‘bested’ the fear you couldn’t meet the challenge <even if it was only an inkling of fear>.

 

So there is certainly a level of personal satisfaction of ‘dealing with fear” … or maybe better said ‘facing the unknown’ that all people like.

 

However.

 

What about that ‘good fear.’

That big fear.

Stepping into the unknown fear?

 

Ok.

 

Remember.

 

Fear is defined as the emotional response to an actual or perceived threat of immediate or imminent danger or pain <or some derivative of the five I listed above>.

The capacity to experience fear is part of human nature that has been hard-wired into us.

 

Hardwired or not … the ‘big fear’ <whatever our personal fear monster may be> is debilitating to most people. It is a fact that a large number of people suffer the often debilitating impacts of fear and anxiety. They suffer a sense of being overwhelmed and helplessness leading to an inability to take action or make changes.

 

Interestingly I believe we tend to tie bravery and courage with being able to overcome that helplessness brought on by fear.

 

Well.

I don’t think that’s right.

 

In most cases it is more about having the ability to see <or conceptualize> what is somewhere across the chasm and using that as the focal point to step toward.

More often it is the ability to see the fear as … well … fear of fear and nothing more than that.

fearless controlling fear

 

Regardless.

 

That’s not courage … that is simply focusing on what is important. Or, let’s say, an ability to focus.

 

I guess I find some support in my belief in that most individuals we look to as brave or courageous people openly admit that they were not free of fear when they faced the unknown <death or simply stepping into the unknown>.

 

They simply kept going with their plan of action, in spite of feeling scared, because they were generally resolute in their decisions, knew the risks attached to what they were doing and in many cases believed that their actions served a larger cause for a greater good.

 

People like that don’t lessen the fear … they simply accept it.

 

Patton once said this about equating bravery with a lack of fear:

 

“If we take the generally accepted definition of bravery as a quality which knows no fear, I have never seen a brave man.  All men are frightened.  The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened.”

 

Anyway.

 

Fear is a real issue. As real as poverty, lack of education or some disease.

 

It is a real issue because, simplistically, the inability to overcome fear translates into a lower quality of life.

 

No shit.

 

Quality of life <and, me being me, I have some proof to back this up>.

 

Someone called fear the “…nameless, unjustified, unreasoning terror which paralyzes needed effort.”

 

And according to a psychologist quoted in a 2009 Psychology Today … “the inaction that stems from excessive, irrational fears or fear-based thinking often shows up as a decision to live life from a “safe” position and not take risks, even if that means forsaking opportunities that might provide greater joy and expansiveness to one’s life.”

 

No shit.

 

I tend to believe we lla sense that fear holds us back but also have a tendency to shrug our shoulders and say “if it were meant to be I would have done that something” as a justification for not facing our fear.

 

Well.

 

Maybe think about that choice a little harder next time.

 

The cost is high if you decide to not face your fear.

 

So.

 

Circling back to the beginning … people who have overcome fear have learned to focus on what is truly important … they have either faced their monsters or decided that they were less important then what they really wanted.

 

And I actually believe most successful people have done exactly this … these have faced their inner demons, monsters, and have asked them to come along for the ride instead of hiding from them <or being safe>.

 

Or.

 

They have had a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is BurningBridgescoward in me, and found what is lost in me.

 

 

We all have fears. Accept it. Do what you have to do. Do what almost all of us do. Push on.

 

And know this:

 

85% of what we worry about ends up having a positive or neutral outcome. <research>

 

not charging and getting paid

December 8th, 2015

paid dollar bills

————–

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

=

George Carlin

——

 

 

 

 

Well.

 

 

hope to money-bags-sticky dreamstimeI am not sure if there is anything I get more shit about from business people <friends & acquaintances> than how I don’t charge people for helping them and their business.

 

 

My philosophy elicits a lot of discussion around ‘my worth’ and ‘value I provide’ and lots of ‘people will take anything if it’s for free.’

All well intended thoughts grounded in some aspects of truth.

 

 

Simplistically I avoid most of the thinking they all bring up because … well … I am not charging what I am worth because I am not charging anything.

 

 

Here is what I say on my LinkedIn page <which it seems I have to send gobs of people to as I try and explain how I charge what I charge … uhm … or don’t charge>:

 

 

Consulting:

I assist anyone who asks – in any industry and with any project. Compensation is only received if I provide value. I don’t believe in being compensated for something that has no value to them <even if I thought it may have had some value>.

Projects have included assisting small business operations, chamber of commerce assistance, advertising new business, creative thinking, organizational behavior, key note speeches, think tank opinion papers and provided thought pieces to assist published authors on a variety of topics including foreign affairs, capitalism and the youth, business leadership, education and the internet, youth unemployment and obesity.

Apparently, by doing what I am doing, I am breaking some common sense business rules.

 

1 – Offering services for free <at least initially>.

 

 

2 – Not offering a specific service or expertise.

However, because I am breaking both rules at the same time I would suggest there is some logic.

 

 

I am certainly a wandering generalist which burdens me under the cloak of generality … but certainly not a commodity. My generalist services, while difficult to offer in specifics, is clearly not something anyone and everyone can do which makes it a non-commodity. Therefore … I can charge some premium rates if I am engaged in a compensation discussion.

 

 

And while I get shit I clearly see the danger and the opportunity.you guys are getting paid

 

 

The main danger resides in the fact I am not a specific solution for a specific problem/issue.

 

The opportunity resides within the danger … I become a known quantity for solving shit that ‘specialists’ seem to struggle resolving.

 

 

The secondary danger is that … well … I never get paid. But I could argue, and I will later in the post, that danger only exists if I suck.

 

 

Anyway.

 

 

I certainly cannot argue with those who coach specifics as the path to selection & success. It is certainly the easier path.
In addition it aligns performance & payment neatly so that I could most likely offer an invoice upfront and earn the money as I went along.

 

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So many times I see people jumping into a niche and being vague about what it is they do. They’re a marketing consultant. They’re a life coach. They’re a writer. The thing is, people don’t hire wandering generalities.

They hire outcomes. They pay for specific solutions to specific problems, and if it’s specific enough (and positioned correctly), they pay premium rates.

Dave Navarro

<The Launch Coach>

– note: he offers some good solid advice –

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My path is … well … my path.

 

 

On my path I clearly understand any value that I do, or may, offer is basically a function of two things:

 

 

– The value the potential payer sees

 

– The value in terms of the ultimate outcome <if it generates sales, revenue or some measurable aspect>

 

work flintstones

Note neither of those pertains to my labor … solely value received <perceived and actual>.

 

 

Also note that neither of those is reflective of hours.

 

 

Sure.

 

 

Time <labor> is a component but haggling over will it take 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 days seems silly when the outcome is the prize.

 

 

I clearly understand the amount of money I could help make the potential payer. Present outcomes as well as future outcomes. And it’s because of that the reason I take the jobs that I do is typically because I see the potential and I enjoy making potential reality. I assess if I CAN help them, and only consult those I think I can bring real value to.

 

 

Ok, frankly, invoicing someone or charging someone is a shitload easier if you have provided something they value and they can envision the final value of the service provided <rather than speculated or ‘hoped for’ value>.

 

 

And, frankly #2, if they don’t see the real value of services provided most client people feel a responsibility & obligation to pay for the effort and will typical default to the “I want to pay you for the time you invested.”

Notice the default is ‘time.’

Default is labor and not thinking or ‘incremental value above just doing.

 

 

But I imagine the real point is I actually get to charge what is basically a percentage of what the other person gains from my time and output – that is real value.

 

 

Look.

 

 

I certainly have no fear of charging.

 

 

How I go about business may mean I ‘give away’ more free 15 minute increments than I do charge 1 hour increments but as long as I feel the ‘asker’ has valued what I brought to the table I am happy to help.

 

 

I also find if my advice & solutions & work is ignored … well … then it actually does feel like wasted time and it swiftly moves from ‘no charge’ to ‘I have no time’ <or if my time is actually demanded for some reason – because why would anyone demand time they don’t see value in … but some do – I will charge>.

 
Look.

 

 

Do I leave some income on the table? Sure. I am sure I do.

 

 

Do I feel full value in the money I do earn? Absolutely. Because I didn’t set the value … the person who receives the services did.

 

 

Does this create value in myself … as in my esteem or belief in myself? Absofrickinlutely.
I am confident in my business abilities but that doesn’t absolve me of any doubt … in fact … I tend to believe the good confident people HAVE a strong thread of doubt which keeps them grounded from being arrogant business fools.

 

Getting paid not just because I cranked out some invoice permits me the luxury of external stimulus directed feedback.money earn rain dollars

 

 

Do I recommend this business philosophy to everyone? Absolutely not.

 

 

But I get to speak with more people in a wide variety of industries then almost anyone I know.

 

Sometimes that ‘speaking’ is 15 minutes of ‘here is what I would do’ and sometimes it is 15 hours of in depth research and output.

 

 

And sometimes I get paid <without charging>.

 

 

What I do know for sure is that opening my email inbox every morning is fun and never boring.

yes

December 2nd, 2015

———-

yes yes yes yes

Why is the word yes so brief?

 

it should be

 

the longest,

 

the hardest,

 

so that you could not decide in an instant to say it,

 

so that upon reflection you could stop

 

in the middle of saying it. “

 

 

Vera Pavlova

==========

I am a self-admitted lover of “no” in the workplace. I am because I learned at a very early age in business the power of saying a clear cut ‘no.’ In addition I have an inherent distaste for ‘yes people’ and have built a healthy fear of yeses that create a false sense of positiveness in suggesting the impossible is possible.

 

stop

No has the power of stopping therefore it can afford to be concise.

In fact … in its conciseness it actually can often represent the sharp cleaver which cuts the cord to wasted energy and wasted actions.

 

 

And while ‘no’ in and of itself is incredibly powerful … ‘yes’ in its abruptness seems … well … too abrupt.

 

Too short.

 

Too simple for a word that does anything but encourage stopping … it more often is the initial push to movement <not necessarily forward but in doing something>.

 

 

Yes. <unstated … we should do something.yes type

 

Yes. <what?>

 

Yes. <as a statement … as an agreement>

 

 

Let’s face it … yes, just like thinking in general, is a quagmire.

 

 

It is a quagmire because far too often the majority of yeses are asked without either party <or one of them> truly understanding the problem therefore they have no right to be asking for a solution.

 
Business is all about choices – making them or agreeing to them or shutting choices off.

 

 

Simplistically every yes is a no to something else.

 

 

Saying yes as a ‘can do’ person or organization or simply because it is “the mantra” simply means you will continually fail to recognize limits.

 

Mostly the limits you fail to recognize are the “truth” ones you blast through as you blindly commit to something believing “you will figure it out as you do it.”

 

 

Well.

 

Sometimes you can figure it out.

 

But most of the time you do not … or at least not the way it should be done.

 

Of course the ‘yes sayers’ hold up completion at the end to justify the ‘yes’ ignoring the clumsy process on the path to completion or even the compromised solution which is represented in the completed action.

 

yes no hands

I tend to believe at the core of the quagmire is that there is actually more positive thinking & attitude in a ‘no’ then there is in the typical ‘yes’ … yet on the surface a ‘no’ appears negative and a ‘yes’ appears positive.

 

 

No’s … and I mean ‘non-lazy’ or ‘non irascible contrarian’ no’s are positive in their ability to sharpen whatever else is about to happen.

 

Yes’s are more about … well … the energy of obligation. An obligation or a commitment to a larger thing than a simple ‘yes’ often communicates.

 

 

And maybe that is where I think Yes fails us the most.

 

It should be longer, more complicated and less brief in its utterance. It should be reflective of the obligation, the responsibility and the choice of the moment.

 

It should be larger in its reflection of its overall impact not just on the moment of its utterance but also in the ripples of its effect as it reverberates almost infinitely through a business decision.

 

 

I do not have research on this but my guess, based on years of experience, is that more businesses fail and more businesses have lost money, people and wasted energy based on ‘yes’ more than ‘no.’

 

 

I am not suggesting we never say yes.

 

For god’s sake … the fundamental bedrock of a business is based on a ‘yes.’

 

Yes. Let’s go do it.

 

Yes. We will implement that idea.

 

Yes. We will hire that person.

 

 

But I am suggesting, even as you ponder the flippant three examples I just gave you that yeses echo in eternity. yes common area work

 

And while yeses embrace possibilities & opportunities & hope … they also are wrapped in cloaks of vulnerabilities.

 

 

Well.

 

After reading those last two sentences … kind of makes you think that yes “should be the longest, the hardest, so that you could not decide in an instant to say it, so that upon reflection you could stop in the middle of saying it. “

Enlightened Conflict