Posts tagged skiing
Olympic Update 4
Feb 27th
Figure skating
So. They come right out of the blocks with a scoring scandal. Awesome. All the judging hijinks (love that word) have sufficiently made all the American male skaters weep like babies and the ever Slavic Soviets sneer in disdain. The Russian after party set a record for vodka consumed and some were caught out on the biathlon course shooting Kalashnikovs at targets with American skaters’ heads on the targets while Americans sipped triple caramel frappucinos and discussed Ralph Lauren designs for all the Olympic teams.
The loser, Plushenko, coach Alexei Mishin and even a few Russian politicians were furious with the results of the men’s scoring because Plush (as his friends call him) finished second after being the only top contender to land a clean quadruple jump.
“Quad is quad. If the Olympic champion doesn’t know how to jump the quad, I don’t know,” Plushenko said afterward. “Now it’s not men’s figure skating, it’s dancing. That’s my point.” (point to Plush).
From this scoring “scandal” the Russian skater believes he’s the platinum medal winner (cause he didn’t win the gold). His medal reads, “Silver of Salt Lake, Gold of Torino, Platinum of Vancouver.” What’s impressive here is that not only has Plushenko’s website team fabricated an Olympic medal, it designed a platinum medal, too. Bravo. That’s commitment. Oh. Unfortunately it isn’t real but it makes for a great story. (“It’s absolutely a mistake. Evgeni has absolutely no idea about this. Absolutely no idea,” his coach said, “Nobody from our team is awarding a platinum medal.”). Nuts.
Anyway. Here is where American skating finally gets a real gold medal (at least from the Enlightened Conflict judge).
The Olympics’ hottest couple is not one of the figure skating or ice dancing pairs. No, it’s this crying figure skating gold medalist Evan Lysacek and the darling of the Beijing Olympics, Nastia Liukin, who has a gold medal of her own in all-around gymnastics. Awesome. X-rated visuals inserted here.
Oh. Last. How awesome would it be if we kind of had a figure skating biathlon? I am not sure we would be allowed to shoot at each other (although it may make them move a little faster on the ice) but maybe at the conclusion of their performance they take up a rifle and see how many judges they can knock down, kind of like the shooting gallery at the circus. Just a thought if TV ratings are down.
The Biathlon (just because I am hooked)
Neuner (the biathlon beauty as she is known in her country which up until her had steroid swimmers and international arm wrestling champions to line up as ‘beauties’) won a second gold. I just wanted to start this section with Nooner…oops…Neuner.
Next. The Russians, Germans and French medaled in the women’s Biathlon relay (nice combination of friendly countries that have certainly never shot at each other in the past, ignoring WWI & 2 & numerous other medieval conflicts of course).
France got a 22 second lead at the first exchange, but then Russia and Germany caught up to on the second leg, and the three teams stayed together until the Russians pulled away. At the prone shooting station, the Russian quickly made all five shots to open up an 11.6 second lead over Germany, while poor shooting cost France a chance at the gold.
The French woman missed five of her eight shots and had to ski two penalty laps putting France more than a minute behind. Ok. As you will see this point later in this post, how the fuck do she train 4 years for an event that only happens once every 4 years and MISS 67% of the shots she took?
Anyway. As background (because I assume this is my last shooting/skiing post), as you might expect from a sport that involves a rifle, the biathlon has military roots. Norwegian soldiers have been running combined skiing and shooting races since at least the mid 1700’s and the Norwegian military sponsored the first modern race of this kind in 1921. It wasn’t quite like the biathlon we know but rather it was an event called “military patrol” that involved a four-man patrol going through the event in heavy backpacks. (And bigger guns than they have today)
Military patrol was actually a medal event at the 1924 Winter Olympics but was only a demonstration sport at the 1928, 1936 and 1948 Games. The idea of individuals racing on skis with guns gained popularity in Europe throughout the 1950s (I believe this is also the time that Heineken became quite popular in Europe) and by 1960, the races were back on the Olympic program as the individual biathlon event. Personally, I would prefer this event be called the Military Patrol pursuit and let them shoot at each other.
Downhill skiing
Ok. I know those gate thingies have a lot of give but if you are going 100 mph in negative 5 degree weather and are getting smacked every time you go by one my guess is it hurts like shit. And when they wipeout, hey, it ain’t a half assed wipeout. But I have a better idea. I personally believe they should have stone monuments instead of the gates. Kind of like the Stonehenge of downhill skiing. Now that would make it exciting. Team events could be called the “chip off the old block” downhill super – P (p for pain).
Curling
I keep wondering if someone at MSNBC pissed someone off. While you can watch Olympics coverage almost 24/7 on MSNBC, it is always curling. USA versus Switzerland. USA versus Sweden. USA versus China. USA curling practice (they do curls in the gym). USA against everyone and losing (I think they are maybe 2 and 6 as I write this, but because I am unclear how they score this stupid thing I cannot really tell who won until everyone starts jumping up and down and sliding all over the ice in some whimsical ice dance celebration…an aboriginal interpretive dance I believe). I mean who the hell at MSNBC screwed up? They don’t even get one event with someone in tights. It is only the most unathletic looking Olympic athletes in the history of Olympics. Wow. Someone better be updating their resume.
Olympic Update Part 1
Feb 16th
This whole Biathlon thing.
I love writing about the biathlon because no one else does (and I am slightly fascinated by this whole skiing and shooting thing).
So. In the Women’s Biathlon Sprint event Slovakia’s Anastazia Kuzmina won with a score of “19:55.6”. Once again the scoring is one of those things that take a guidebook. Speed of skiing and penalties for misses. Anyway. It’s like 7 kilometers of skiing or something like that. And then they shoot at this miniature target of Osama bin Laden all with a heart rate of over 170 or something like that (apparently it is an incorrect belief that these shooters slow their heart rate to level the sighting). Just to give you some perspective it’s like maybe jumping rope for 15 straight minutes or doing a hundred straight jumping jacks a fast as you can and then sitting down with a pencil and writing all your valentine’s day cards (in a way someone can actually read them). Amazing stuff.
The guns are wacky looking but they do seem kind of lethal (so you don’t see a lot of spectators hanging out behind the targets).
And in the Men’s Biathlon Sprint event. (And I am still a little unclear how this merits a “sprint” heading .. see Summer Olympics hundred yard dash as example of confusion). Anyway. The top three were:
France. Vincent Jay
Norway. Emil Hegle Svendsen
Croatia. Jakov Fak
Never heard of them (but have heard of the countries). I just wanted to note the winners. I figured this may be the only time their names appear on our radar. Oh. Yeah, their fans (who I assume are mostly relatives or people who subscribe to Guns & Ammo), they are nuts. Think cowbells and big funny hats and horns. I am just not sure guys who ski and shoot rifles for a living are funny hat/cowbell spanking type of guys but, hey, whatever floats your boat. Maybe the tickets were for free. I went to a fencing event at the Atlanta Olympics because I had free tickets (but I left my cowbell at home … just blew a dog whistle every time someone did something great).
This whole mogul downhill (going downhill with lots of bumps and a couple of jumps) skiing thing.
Women’s version. Ok. Men’s version. I don’t care. My knees and lower back just start hurting every time I watch these contestants bounce their way down the hill. Their knees pump furiously as they pound down the course. Their runs are a brilliant mix of speed and technical skiing with daring back flips and “helicopter spins” and other amazing feats that seem to defy gravity. Who thought this crap up? Awesome.
Women’s ice hockey
The Canadian women’s hockey team, a two-time defending Olympic gold medalist, didn’t disappoint. The Canadians cranked out an 18-0 rout of Slovakia (exciting the 16,000 Canadian fans eager cheer to keep warm and disappointing the 496 Slovakian fans – who cheered anyway to keep warm). C’mon. 18 to zilch? And I thought Slovakia had ice rinks. Oh well. They would beat the crap out of Canada in a “bryndzove halusky” (small dumplings made of potato dough with sheep cheese and topped with scrambled bacon) cooking contest. I know that for sure.
This speed skating thing.
Yikes. First the solo stuff. Who decided to put that on television exclusively? 20 some laps of two guys skating around a really small rink with one hand tied behind their back (ok. that’s what it looked like). And then there is the group speed skating thing. In the huge wipeout fortunately the Koreans weren’t injured with those razor sharp blades flying in their pileup (thank god they weren’t North Koreans or some nukes may have been dropped). Anyway. This group speed skating is kind of like Indy car racing where the cars are inches apart and you cannot really fathom how they can stay so close to each other without hitting each other. But, it was kind of amazing to see the skaters in that one race self destruct at what would have been a 1-2-3 finish for them and allow the Americans to take the 2-3 positions in the race. These races often have a little bit of roller derby flavor. But on really big skates. And with funky colored outfits. I still admit I don’t really get it and it seems a little boring to me.
Cross country skiing.
Awesome. Today a really cute 22 year old Swede girl unexpectedly won her cross country event and puked after crossing the finish line (she still had a Crest bright big smile afterwards). The Polish woman, the favorite, collapses in fatigue maybe a minute from the finish (so that’s collapsing after maybe 23 minutes of cross country skiing). I need to watch more of this. Put it on prime time I say.
Oh. And how cool is it your coach (or I assume it is a coach and not some random spectator hovering at the side of the track) is screaming at the top of their lungs (and because it is in Swedish or Russian or Croatian I have no clue what they are saying) at the skier as they ski by. I assume they are saying something like “you are a lardass and an embarrassment to the queen (or whatever monarch is appropriate) and may your ancestors be hamsters if you don’t win a medal.” But the screaming person sludging their way through the snow beside the track is awesome. I would go if I could do that.
Reflections on the demise of the Olympics
Feb 12th
I was surprised yesterday morning watching SportsCenter that the opening ceremonies for the Winter Olympics are today (Feb. 12th).
Shit. I didn’t even know where the games were being played.
(Vancouver … or better said … “somewhere in Canada”)
So. I went to the website to check it out. A little confusing (because the Olympics claim to be all about “with glowing hearts” … huh? … and Canada is all about “together in 2010” … which makes me think they were apart in all the other years … anyway). But. They do have some very cool merchandise so you can act like you went there. And maybe even supported it. Once again. anyway.
So. What’s happened to the Olympics? (big sigh here)
I remember when the Olympics was truly “appointment viewing.” And it was a source of country pride. Did we win more medals then the evil Soviets or luging Germans (who the heck decides to become a luge expert?) or those Swiss knife-wielding skiers.
I believe the Olympic Games have lost their allure. Before I say why i believe it is so I wanted to reminisce a little. Reminisce about why I loved the Winter Olympics (am going to stick with Winter reasons and not Summer) and maybe we can ponder why we don’t have these gems anymore. (and I will offer a reason why at the end):
- Awesome reason number 1. Eddie the Eagle. Crazy Eddie.
He soared like a dodo, but Britain’s Michael “Eddie The Eagle” Edwards endeared himself to fans at the Calgary ski jumping competition (really, who remembers that Matti Nykänen won three golds? Plus, he was later thrown in jail for stabbing a man in the back). The plasterer with the oversized glasses was comically inept: Edwards, describing his first forays into ski jumping, said: “When I looked from the top of the jump, I was so frightened that my bum shriveled into a prune.” He finished dead last, but not dead.
The non awesome? Because of Eddie the Eagle, I assume the Olympics went into the “law suit avoidal muscle spasms” they changed the rules and countries cannot simply enter people because they want to enter someone in an event. They actually have to qualify. What bullshit. If Sudan wants to enter a dance figure skating team, let ‘em. I don’t care. It’s the Olympics.
- All those Swiss/Austrian/Whatever skiers.
Ah. The Olympic skiers. Franz Klammer was a hero in Austria. A winner of 8 of 9 World Cup downhill races in 1975. The guy was fast. Really fast. And fearless.
Oh. And then there was Italy’s Alberto “La Bomba” Tomba, big talker (“I am the new messiah of skiing,” he once said), and an ever bigger playboy. The 1988 Games were one big party. He toyed with the competition. Right before going out of the giant slalom start gate, he turned to all the other nervous skiers and said “O.K., boys, keep calm. And good luck to all.” He blew the field away, then won the slalom two days later. He spent the rest of the Games sipping champagne, posing for the camera, and trying to woo Katarina Witt, the East Germany beauty who won the figure skating gold that year.
Next. The Austrian guy Hermann Maier. “He could be dead, right?” During the downhill competition, off a steep turn, he flew 30 feet into the air before landing on his helmet and crashing through two fences. He settled on a patch of snow far off the run. After lying still for a few minutes, Maier walked away from the cartoonish crash with just a bruised left shoulder and sprained right knee. Three days later, with the memory of the downhill disaster dogging his concentration, Maier won the Super-G. “Maybe he really is an alien, I don’t know,” his girlfriend, Petra Wechselberger, remarked. Three days after that, he took Giant Slalom gold. Awesome stuff.
And in my memory it began with the name. One man’s name. Debonair skiing sensation Jean-Claude Killy. He owned the 1968 Games, held in his native France and owned downhill skiing for years.
Hey. I am all for Americans stepping up to the competition but please bring back these mysterious, blond haired, glacier eyed, carefree playboy Austrians who bring a little flair and charisma and less American bombast to the sport. Plus. Their crashes are pretty spectacular.
- Ice skating.
All that ice skating judging crap. C’mon. Russian judges scoring Americans like they didn’t even watch. French judges being coerced. While having men in tight outfits doing something called a “camel” doesn’t float my boat, there is something tense about a 3 minute program conducted on a very very thin blade of metal that makes it worthwhile as long as you know the judging is crap and you can yell at the TV (and when would I EVER envision yelling at a television over ice skating? Answer: never). There is Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. Sonja Henie. Bad music. Silly costumes. What makes this awesome is most of us have no clue how they are judged, the judges have no clue how to judge and the skaters are trying to impress all of us. The sheer randomness of this event makes it all worthwhile.
- Ice Hockey.
We all know the story. Set against the backdrop of the Cold War, the United States took on the heavily favored Soviet Union team in men’s ice hockey in 1980. I cannot remember any other ice hockey Olympic game I have watched since. Who cares. Olympics were made for a once in a lifetime Olympics story like this.
- Bobsled and Luge.
WTF. Even better, is “Luge” isn’t even recognized as a word in my spell check. So. Of course there is the Jamaican bobsled team story (the bad movie Cool Runnings). More importantly is when else do you ever watch someone (or two) sit flat on their back or on their stomach and go 100+ miles per hour on a flexible flyer on sheer ice. And actually watch. This is like watching NASCAR on ice just waiting for the crash. All the good teams are from countries you think have the coolest flags but have no clue where they are. And, once again, how does one decide that they are going to become the best “bobsledder” in the world? We would never know if it wasn’t for the Olympics.
So. With all these great things why don’t we care about the Olympics anymore? (Beyond the fact they have eliminated any possibility of another Eddie the Eagle type participant):
In the battle for relevance I am not sure the right side is winning.
Will I ever care for or watch the Biathlon? Nope. I am not sure I will ever care there is someone out there that can ski a zillion miles and still stop and shoot the eye out of a squirrel unless World War 3 rolls around (then I am gonna wish our guys are better). But who cares? It’s one of those nifty random things that make the Olympics special. I would rather someone try and make this skiing/shooting thing cool rather than bring in some new cool TV viewing activity and relegate the skiing/shooting thing to some obscure corner of Canada. I believe in our attempt to keep the Olympics “up-to-date” and relevant to a “new viewing audience” we have started including some very non-Olympic like activities. Just make the old school stuff cool and we get back to Olympics basics. Let’s teach the “new viewing audience” what was cool about what we already had.
The pros have diminished the randomness.
I won’t argue the whole higher moral value of amateurs competing. Rather, let me argue that bringing in obvious pros has diminished the event in another way (although the first one is valid also).
Similar to college basketball to pro basketball there is always a little randomness, humanness, maturity struggle, whatever that made the Olympics special. Sure. There were always “veterans” and they performed with that veteran experience but even they on occasion got knocked around by some young upstart who didn’t know any better who got caught up in the moment. Allowing professional athletes is killing the Olympics. Do I know where to draw the line? Nope. Allowing professional skiers in Olympics? Yeah. I am ok with that. Professional basketball players? Nope. Professional tennis players? Shit. I don’t think tennis should even be an Olympics sport. But. If it is? No pros (on the tour). Tennis club pros? Sure. That would be a blast. Anyway. I am rambling. I don’t know where the line is but we have crossed it.
Americans win too Often.
Okay. That’s a big statement. So let me qualify it. I am not sure if we win too often and too easily (meaning the types of games are skewed to United States capabilities) or if we simply don’t showcase the events where other countries kick the shit out of the American contestants. In the old days we saw year after year the US hopeful flameout on the ski slopes to one of those Nordic studs but we enjoyed the hope. Sure Americans started winning some but it was challenging the Viking-like athletes as an underdog. I miss countries coming to the Olympics under the guise of “sports fellowship” but really there to wear their country’s flag and shove it up someone’s ass when they won. I like the Russian judge never scoring the US team over 4 in a 10 scale even if they skated on their heads the entire routine. In the end I keep coming back to Americans winning too often. Make it hard for us. We will figure out a way to win. And when Americans are focused and grumpy and the underdog, people globally pay more attention also.
Anyway.
Now that I actually know the Olympics are here I may watch. I am hoping that I was in a minority with regard to Olympics awareness (or lack thereof). A great event. It shouldn’t be missed.
