Posts tagged stunning grace in the face of overwhelming life
confidence adults & tweens
May 22nd
So.
Sometimes I write about something because I was thinking about it … but them sometimes a picture makes me write. This picture reminded me that a lot of teens & tweens feel this way <in fact … one posted this picture she made>.
This picture also reminded made me think about kids & confidence & resilience and the role us adults play in their success with all.
“Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you, raped before you…yet, someone survived…You can do anything you choose to do.” – Maya Angelou
Growing up is tough (stating the obvious).
I began with Maya’s quote because I often believe that a tween/teen’s world is very small. What I mean by that is that it often seems like the entire world is against you (as an individual) and that everything seems to revolve around you & only you in terms of issues, parents, the bully in the hallway and the mean chemistry teacher.
It is difficult as a tween to remember that others have been there (this little space in hell you seem to exist in) before you … and the others before you made it … yep … they all pretty much survived.
And, as a teen, you are still in the development stage with regard to the self confidence (and resilience) that will carry you through this seeming hell.
Self confidence is important in almost every aspect of our life but it is especially fragile in the tween years.
Think about this next thought (to compound that last thought).
At the same time the tween is struggling finding their own self confidence … there are many adults who are also struggling to find it.
Ok. That last thought is an important point. Because this self confidence struggle thing can be a vicious path. People who lack self-confidence can find it difficult to become successful – kids and adults. Therefore if we don’t invest the energy to get someone on the right path as a tween the likelihood of success (self confidence-wise) as an adult diminishes accordingly.
Low self-confidence is self-destructive. It often rears its head as negativity. And that is a slippery slope difficult to get off of when on it … therefore it begets itself all over … and over … and, well, you get it.
So imagine the importance when you think about over and over (and how many times that cycles) if you permit it to begin at 12. Or 10. Or 15. Or … well … you get it.
Ok. So.
It seems like good ole Maslow suggested several things contribute to self-confidence — self-actualization (what I do) and self-esteem (what I feel/believe).
We gain a sense of self actualization when we see ourselves mastering something, gaining some skill and attaining some tangibleness (a result?) to hold on to as actualization. This gives someone a tangible proof that they really don’t suck. That if you learn and work hard you can succeed. Self actualization actually leads to accepting bigger and more difficult challenges and teaches resilience and persistence (and managing mistakes/failure).
And then there is self-esteem. This is more a general sense that we can cope with what’s going on in our lives. And we feel good, or at least ‘good enough,’ about ourselves. Partially this comes from a feeling that the people around us approve of us. But it also comes from the sense that we’re competent at something and that we can compete successfully in the world by being who we are.
Some people believe that self-confidence can be built with affirmations and positive thinking.
Yikes.
There may be some truth in that, but I just cannot accept that self confidence can be all ‘fluff.’ You have to be good at something … have some competence at something. To me, without this underlying competence, you just have ‘empty’ (or maybe better said … ‘hollow’) self-confidence.
If you believe that, then self confidence in a tween is part mental and part doing.
And that means the truly difficult part is it is easy (or easier) to build self confidence if you focus on what you have achieved … but young people just don’t have the body of accomplishments to draw upon.
Oh. The issue is exacerbated by the fact lack of self confidence typically leads to inaction.
Therefore this is an evil doom loop.
If true confidence (as you get older) shifts from a mental aspect to one drawing from a ‘deed’ (what you have done) aspect and yet, as a kid, your lack of confidence begets continuous non action (no deeds) … well … you are screwed (from a confidence standpoint).
Sure.
Someone could argue that you can build a portfolio of accomplishments to draw upon even at a young age … but it is different.
Frankly … a tween/teen needs to be less reliant on what they have done but rather start by managing their mind. Learn to defeat the negative self-talk which can destroy confidence.
And this is where us old folk play a HUGE role.
“Mind” stuff is fragile. And we tend to be ‘realistic’ or “manage the mind” differently because … well … of our perspective. Because we are supposed to be ‘practical’ adults. We aren’t really wrong in how we look at it … but we are maybe wrong for who and what is going on.
Let me remind you of a Lao Tzu quote: “Kindness in words creates confidence”.
Now.
I am not suggesting we need to pamper kids … maybe just pamper their dreams & hopes?
Maybe it is not even pamper … maybe it is just caring.
I saw some findings from the Tween Confidence Index and the results were clear: tween confidence is short-lived, yet can be safe-guarded by maintaining strong communication between tweens and their parents. In fact, the majority of tweens surveyed found talks with their parents to be “very helpful,” and there was a measurable relationship between tweens’ confidence levels and the value they placed on these talks.
“The Unilever Tween Confidence Index reveals just how critical parent communication is to help tweens transition into competent, confident teenagers. By keeping the lines of communication open, parents can minimize the decline in self-esteem that we know begins around age 12 or 13.” – Rosalind Wiseman, internationally recognized educator.
Some facts for my parent/adult readers from The Unilever Tween Confidence Index, conducted by KRC Research:
- A majority of tweens (69 percent) find talks with their parents to be “very helpful” in dealing with the pressures and challenges they face.
- Tweens are most stressed about hearing rumors about themselves or friends (68 percent), getting good grades (61 percent), dealing with hard teachers (68 percent) and their first kiss (51 percent).
So <this is a fairly big thought coming at you next>.
We may not feel like we are saying the rights things but more often than not we are doing the right thing by trying to say the right things.
While you can’t stop a child from harshly judging how their abilities and bodies match up to others, there are a number of ways we can make a positive impact.
Because confidence to a kid doesn’t happen overnight. It is built little by little … thought by thought.
And each positive thought ultimately creates the resiliency which is at the foundation of anyone’s confidence.
And a tween can never start building the resiliency characteristic early enough.
Because life is relentless at that age. Frickin’ relentless. Here is the definition of ‘resilience’:
Resilience: Resilience is the ability to work with adversity in such a way that one comes through it unharmed or even better for the experience.
That means having the ability to face whatever Life decide to throw at you … and refuse to give up 9keep on moving). Resilience is what allows a kid to move beyond whatever misfortune, hardship, mistake or …. at its worst … an emotional or psychological trauma (an extremely stressful or life-threatening situation or abuse) a child may face.
Resilience is, in some ways, about tenacity and fortitude and character. Having the character to find the determination to embrace all that makes life worth living … even in the face of dire events.
An aspect of resiliency has to be a belief for ‘something better’ which can be embodied in a vision or purpose.
I tell kids – everyone faces adversity. Everyone. Adversity is an equal opportunity employer.
Resilience is especially important during the tween years when children face new academic challenges, pressure and rejection from peers, and increasing awareness of their own limitations. Resilient children bounce back well after they face these issues. They are less likely to develop depression, anxiety or unhealthy coping mechanisms like aggression, eating issues and substance problems. Some characteristics that encourage resilience are innate – such as intellectual ability.
“If you voluntarily quit in the face of adversity, you’ll wonder about it for the rest of your life.” – Bill Clinton
Truer words have probably never been spoken.
And every tween should be told this (by an adult). Even if the adult is struggling with their own self confidence. We owe it to them to at least show them the way.
It is our responsibility, yes, our responsibility … to create opportunities for tweens (young people) to develop a positive self-concept. Praise. Listen. Take interest. Show respect.
Allow them the opportunity to develop their own sense of self and self confidence.
For we don’t want them to follow in our footsteps … we want them to go beyond our footsteps.
what is management?
May 21st
“Responsibility for one’s impacts is the oldest principle of the law” – Peter Drucker (New Realities, 1989, p. 87)
To me, in today’s business, manager management training is woefully lacking. Training simply equals “results” <with an additional emphasis on doing it while being politically correct and appropriately sensitive – to avoid litigation>.
And, no, I don’t believe this is a generational ‘thing.’
In other words I hear a lot of people suggest this upcoming generation of managers always needs to be told exactly what to do and what expectations are …well … in general I don’t agree. But even if I did those people are being told “results.”
It is the easiest (laziest) way to outline expectations.
To be fair to the lazy guidance organizations (or enterprises as Drucker calls them) … the enterprise also focuses on “results.” That ultimately translates into the fact you can be the biggest jerk manager in the world, the most anti social manager, one who exhibits gobs of poor management (team leadership skills) … but if you generate the enterprise holy grail <results> … well…then you are an “effective manager.”
And the fallback statement is almost always “not everyone is going to like you” as justification to answer the question of whether that person is ‘good manager material’ as everyone immediately points to ‘results achieved.’
Ok.
It’s bullshit.
And I know its bullshit.
And when your television and internet is lost for 4 days, and even though you may not be a heavy tv viewer, you end up having time to think and do things. So I ended up pulling a book off the shelf I haven’t read in a while. Peter Drucker’s “the new realities” from 1989. I have another post coming up inspired from the rereading but Drucker does a great job of simply outlining “what is management.”. And I have to tell you that a lot of us managers would do well to reread this book. And reread all early Drucker while you are at it. Oh. And company owners should too (by the way …they are also Management in case they have forgotten).
As P. Druddy <as Drucker was called by his closest friends> said:
Management has to be accountable for performance. But how is performance defined? How is it to be measured? How should it be enforced? And to whom should management be accountable? Management needs to face the fact they represent power and power has to be accountable … and it has to be legitimate <he means to a greater social good>. Management has to face up to the fact that they matter <in a societal responsibility way>.
What is management?
Is it a bag of techniques and tricks? A bundle of analytical tools like those taught n business schools? There are important as a thermometer and anatomy is important to a physician. But the evolution and history of management, its successes as well as its problems, teach that management is above all else a very few essential principles:
- Management is about human beings. The task is to make people capable of join performance, to make their strengths effective and their weaknesses irrelevant. We depend upon management for our livelihoods. And our ability to contribute to society also depends on management of the organizations in which we work as it does on our own skills, dedication and effort.
- Because management deals with the integration of people in a common venture it is deeply embedded in culture. What managers do in Germany, United Kingdom, United states, Japan or Brazil is exactly the same. How they do it may be quite different. This one of the basic challenges managers face is to find and identify those parts of their own tradition, history and culture that can be used as management building blocks. Every enterprise requires commitment to common goals and shared values. Without such commitment there is no enterprise, there is only a mob. The enterprise must have simple clear and unifying objectives. The mission of the organization has to be clear enough and big enough to provide common vision. The goals that embody it have to be clear, public and constantly reaffirmed. Management’s first job is to think through, set, and exemplify those objectives, values and goals.
- Management must enable the enterprise and each of its members to grow and develop as needs and opportunities change. Every enterprise is a learning and teaching institution. Training and development must be built into it on all levels – training and development that never stop. 
- Every enterprise is composed of people with different skills and knowledge doing many different toes of work. It must be built on communication and on individual responsibility All members need to think through what they aim to accomplish and make sure their associates know and understand that aim. All have to think through what they owe others and make sure that others understand. All have to think through what they need from others and make sure that others know what is expected of them.
- Neither the quantity of output not the ‘bottom line’ is by itself an adequate measure of the performance of management and enterprise. Market standing (brand & reputation), innovation, production, development of people, quality, financial results are all crucial to an organizations performance and to its survival. Just as a human being needs a diversity of measures to assess his or her health and performance an organization needs a diversity of measures to assess its health and performance.
- Finally, the single most important thing to remember about any enterprise is that results exist only on the outside. The result f a business is a satisfied customer. The result of a healthy organization is a contribution to society. The result of a hospital is a healthy patient. The result of a school is a student who has learned something and puts it into practice at some later date. Inside an enterprise there are only costs.
Some thoughts <from me>.
While there are some gems I may come back to at some point … like “without such a commitment you only have a mob” and “make their strengths effective and their weaknesses irrelevant” … here are my rant-like thoughts:
• “individual responsibility.” Hmmmmmmmmmmmm it seems like we abuse this in today’s business world. We want to “empower employees” and expect them to assume “proactive individual responsibility” and yet we are not fulfilling some of Drucker’s other principles. Where is our responsibility to them? Where is the training? Where is the development? It seems to me that responsibility goes both ways <and, no, it is not just a paycheck from management side> and to ask one without offering the other is a medieval serf mentality.
• Organization ‘health’ …. When is the last time you heard this discussed in in anything other than financials (or some derivative of financials)? I cannot remember the last time anyone discussed culture and/or people’s true happiness as a measure of organization health … well … at least until maybe ‘we have hit the numbers.’
That said. “Management is about human beings.” Ok. Nowhere in that sentence do I see “numbers,” “results” or “profitability”. Am I foolish enough to believe that those three things aren’t important? Nope <I am foolish in other ways>. But his point is subtle. Maybe too subtle. If you manage the human beings well, effectively and they are happy, those three little words he excluded from that sentence will happen. THAT is why the sentence reads “management is about human beings.”
And.
I love the last thought.
The truly important problems managers face do not come from technology or politics; they do not originate outside of management and enterprise. Think about that …
“They are problems caused by the very success of the management itself.”
Drucker is actually suggesting that success breeds problems. How about that? What a great point. A point I am relatively sure that today’s managers do not think of. Today it seems like success breeds “process everyone should follow.”
Anyway.
Ignore my comments if you would like.
But don’t ignore Drucker’s comments.
life formulas
May 9th
Life is not as simple as it seems. Or maybe it isn’t as complicated as it seems.
Shit.
Maybe its both … at exactly the same time.
I cannot remember where I found all these awesome “life formulas” but I love the way they take complex life things and simplify them into basic equations (note: I apologize to the creator for not being able to source).
And in their incredibly obvious simplicity there is a nuanced complexity that makes you think about the truth they contain.
The first one I ever saw was the truth equation.
Truth. What I think happened divided by what really happened.
Brilliant.
It got to the core truth behind … well … truth. And it makes you wonder a little why there isn’t a class somewhere in maybe high school where they teach you stuff like this. Or at least make you think like this. It may seem silly at first glance but it is a really interesting exercise.
And back to truth?
What you think divided by what really happened.
By dividing it can equal, diminish what you think or actually be bigger by such a margin it actually marginalizes what you originally thought.
Awesome.
And when I see Life defined by formulas like this I begin to think about what makes 100%.
Well.
It actually made me begin by thinking about “giving 110%.” Which is actually kind of silly when you think about it. Is it really possible to actually give more than 100%? <no>
And what the hell is more than 100%? (unless you are bionic you cannot answer that)
I do know as I think about this 110% thing it makes some want to bring one of these formulas along with me to a meeting and if someone suggests you to give over 100% (that infamous 110%) maybe I would force them to show us how to do just that mathematically.
When someone does say that … aren’t they really saying “give me 100% <because I know you are juggling things and I need you to focus on this>.”
So why can’t we just tell the truth and say “c’mon … its not extra effort … its just focus. Focus 100% on this.” <albeit it doesn’t sound as inspiring or leader like or gung ho-ish … yeah … I just typed ‘ho-ish’>.
Anyway.
From there I actually began thinking about the whole 100% we are supposed to give in life.
100% is tricky. Is it defined by effort, focus, the best of our abilities or the best we can do <at that time>?
Whew. Now THERE are some choices for ya.
Life is a constant juggling game <or a balancing act>. There’s always balancing that needs to be done. And there are always tradeoffs.
Ah.
But.
I think there is a difference between juggling and balancing.
Juggling is all about keeping track of a bunch of things … all up in the air.
Balancing is all about … well … balancing … evening things out.
It seems to me that is one is more controlled chaos-like <juggling> … and the other is a more prioritizing of actions <balancing>.
Wow. Makes me think of whether I am a juggler or a balancer. And that makes my head hurt.
Regardless.
Aw. Anyway <quit babbling Bruce>.
There is a simplicity that these formulas give us in thinking about life.
Disappointment being expectation divided by reality.
- Which suggests it is our own inability to manage our expectations that create a sense of disappointment. Makes you think a little, huh?
Shock being expectation minus expectation.
- The unequivocalness <that isn’t really a word> of this is brilliant.
Modern art being the belief you could do it plus the fact you didn’t.
- The formula nicely builds, instead of divides or subtracts, to heighten the value
The slight cynicism built into diamonds being forever … balanced by whether you are a jewel thief (awesome)
Oh.
And obligation.
This one is fabulous.
Starts with do. Just the action itself. Add on “the right thing” so value increases by doing the right thing … and then plus or minus the amount of guilt.
Very very nice.
I actually see a great class session for young people somewhere in this life formula idea. The ability to simplify the challenges, the decisions, the actions in life into equations. It is a nice way to be able to point out some complex critical thinking in life.
In the end, while it may seem silly, I think it is a good and interesting exercise.
Particularly if you are juggling, or balancing, a bunch of crap and making so many judgment calls your head seem like it is going to explode … these simple formulas, in a really weird way, provide perspective.
Maybe you have an obligation to give this a shot if you feel overwhelmed with life.
Because maybe, in their simplicity, maybe you find more balance.
And that … I am pretty sure in my pea like brain … is a good thing.
finagle’s Law
Apr 30th
Well. I imagine I am way behind the rest of the cool people <who already know what finagle’s law is> but I just discovered it. Maybe because I had always known it as Murphy’s Law.
The generalized or `folk’ version of Murphy’s Law, fully named “Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives” and usually rendered “Anything that can go wrong, will” (source: Urban Dictionary)
Finagle’s Law comes from science fiction author Larry Niven who, in several stories, depicted a frontier culture which celebrated a religion <or a running joke> which involved the worship of the dread god Finagle … and his mad prophet Murphy <hence the source of ‘murphy’s law’>.
Ok. About Finagles ´Law <before I get to the point of this little writeup>. It is an amazingly cool extraordinary mixture of cruel logic … as well as somewhat scarily indicative of everyday life. Just in case you didn’t know here is Finagle’s logic:
- What we have is not what we need.
- What we want is not what we need.
- What we need is impossible to get.
- You can get hold of this information for a much higher price then you are prepared to pay.
Ok. Here is the coolest thought. One of my favorite blogs, 50topmodels, actually wondered if Finagle´s Law got it all wrong and reexamined it as … Yhprum´s Law (Yhprum is Murphy backwards).
They actually analyzed it under the theory that ‘everything that can work, will work’ quoting Richard Zeckhauser <Harvard> “sometimes systems that should not work, work nevertheless.“
Ok. It is that last thought that made me sit up and think and decide to write.
Why?
Well. “Systems that should not work …do.” How often do people design perfect systems in the workplace, under the guise of ‘this is the way its done’ and, ultimately, it is just another inefficient process & system? Or maybe it is easy to do so everyone just does things going through the motions? Or the perfect system is <gasp> measured on its efficiency and therefore everyone simply tries to ‘hit the measurement numbers”?
On the other hand.
Someone else builds a system and has everyone working within this system that has those ‘people who designed perfect systems’ scratching their heads and saying that will never work … and, uh oh, it does work.
Yhprum´s Law. Huh? Well. Organizations are living organisms.
And just as placebos can work (lets call that the power of the mind) … a system that should not work … well … does. Why?
Because whether things work or not is often up to the people. And people are inconsistent in that they consistently do unexpectedly great things. In addition sometimes mistakes become stepping stones to blinding success. Oh. And the systems that shouldn’t work gain significant improvements thru some trial & error while the perfect systems remain … well … stagnant – never improving. Maybe it is that last thought that is so controversial in my thinking.
Perfection is often a thief. It steals fresh thinking.
Business, in general, like life, is messy. Sure. We seek perfection. It is kind of like the holy grail of ‘job well done.’
Here is the funny thing about attaining perfection.
Realistically we should be seeking to immediately change, rather than replicate, if we actually stumble upon it. ‘Doing it right’ is simply a level. And attaining levels of ‘perfection’ is good but also breeds an aspect of complacency or rote. And unless you are putting together a car, or a bomb <as an example>, in my mind we should always be aware the process is a means to an end.
Another sad thing about perfection. Nothing is ever really perfect. So when we put the label on something we are already in a bad place. As noted in alternative phrases for Finagle’s Law … let’s maybe call it “not quite the right thing.” It seems to me that systems & process reside most often closest to that phrase. And to a perfectionist that is bad and to others it is just not quite the right thing.
Ok. As for systems that shouldn’t work? the imperfect systems? The power of the mind suggest that everything that can work will work … sometimes better than others.
Oh.
And if you have that attitude .. an attitude to, rather than finding the flaws, instead focusing on the mistakes made … in my mind you end up seeking to better the system.
Ok. Moving on.
There is another aspect to Murphy’s Law … “If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.”
Now. If you think about that from a logic perspective … this suggests <for example> that if someone plugs in a toaster backwards and it fries itself, the problem isn’t just that some idiot plugged it in backward, but that it was able to be plugged in backwards in the first place.
In other words … the flaw isn’t in the person … but rather the design. And people just make mistakes <and are not flawed>.
If you believe that … then maybe when mistakes are made we shouldn’t be blaming people but rather seeking to design a better system. Not ‘perfect’ systems but systems with the minimum opportunity for flaws. Call it constant improvement.
If you don’t believe that then you end up simply assuming people will make mistakes, some big … some small … some stupid <or some derivative of stupid> … some smart <yeah … you can still do something really smart and make a mistake>. As I stated earlier … systems are a means to an end therefore using Finagle’s Law everyone should be focusing more on the people aspect. And not in a “you suck” perspective but rather a deeper understanding for why and how mistakes are made.
Mistakes are part of life.
I actually believe more managers should have the chart above in their offices and when mistakes are made identify which aspect the mistake characterizes. It may make us better managers and it may make for better systems (and certainly better managers of people).
Anyway.
The true Finagle’s Law is much more twisted than “anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” The Law also allows for things going well. It’s like as if the universe is merely lulling you into a false sense of security before proceeding to screw you. It also allows for things that can’t go wrong … going wrong <and within Finagle’s Law this counts as Gone Horribly Right.>
Regardless.To end this I wanted to share some last thoughts on Finagle’s Law. The law owes its existence more or less entirely to the Rule of Drama, and is especially common in Crapsack Worlds where things that do go wrong tend to go wrong in the worst possible way.
Finagle’s Law also suggests that Life has a pretty warped sense of humor in that it is obsessed with making your life as difficult and humiliating as possible.
On a slightly serious note … I imagine the potential for danger in everyday Life, within the Law, can do one of two things:
- make you scared to do anything
- make you assume that you cannot ever do anything right
I could write gobs about both of those but instead I am hoping that what I have written about Finagle’s Law suggests that successfully navigating Life takes some flexibility. If perfection is your thing … well … Finagle will be your constant companion and friend.
Take Life with a grain of salt. Things go wrong. Even when they aren’t supposed to. And things go right. Even when they aren’t supposed to.
Last. And just so you are fully aware of ‘the Law’ here are optional expressions of Finagle’s Law <so you recognize them>:
- A Simple Plan
- Butterfly of Doom
- Consolation Backfire
- Cosmic Plaything
- Disaster Dominoes
- Destructive Saviour
- Deus Angst Machina when taken Up to Eleven
- Everything Trying to Kill You in videogames
- Failsafe Failure
- Failure Is the Only Option
- The Fun in Funeral
- Gave Up Too Soon
- Law of Disproportionate Response
- Inverse Law of Utility and Lethality
- It Got Worse
- Magnum Opus Dissonance
- Mistimed Revival
- Murphy’s Bed
- Murphy’s Bullet
- My Car Hates Me
- Not Quite The Right Thing
- Out with a Bang
- Phlebotinum Breakdown
- Ashes to Crashes
- Doomed New Clothes
- Watch the Paint Job
- The Precious, Precious Car
- Random Number God
- Retirony
- Springtime for Hitler
- Tempting Fate
- Unspoken Plan Guarantee
- Useless Superpowers
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
- You Can’t Thwart Stage One
- Your Princess is in Another Castle
Anyway.
Finagle’s Law. Murphy’s Law. Or. My favorite? “Not quite the right thing.” Life is perfectly imperfect. You can either accept it or end up in a loony bin some day.
I fail, you fail, we all fail. Here is our tale.
Mar 14th
So.
I wanted to write something on failure and started … stopped … started again … stopped.
Well. I don’t know why but it was hard for some reason.
Harshly? I failed.
I failed at something I wanted to do. But. If creating a blog has taught me one thing <if that is at least one criteria of failing> that I fail constantly.
Little failures? Sure.
But a failure nonetheless.
Oh. And if you are not careful little failures are like dying a death of a thousand cuts.
Regardless.
That REALLY got me thinking about several things … the word failure (and how little it seems to be used these days) and failing itself & lessons and all that crap.
So I went hunting.
Hunting for some inspiration for the right words to say about failing and failure.
My first hunt.
Choose the Right Word by Hayakawa (almost my bible of word descriptions).
It didn’t fail me here.
“Failing” fell under Flaw <wow … I could write an entire book over that little insight>.
Flaw has a variety of aspects … blemish, defect, failing, fault, foible, imperfection, mar, shortcoming.
Regardless.
Failure is a reflection of a flaw.
An imperfection (which seems okay).
A defect (which seems not okay).
Is failure a reflection of a defective product <product being … well … us … a human … a person>?
That seems harsh. Ok. Maybe extreme.
But.
In terms of “truth to oneself” think about this … ‘imperfection’ points more often to a lack that may be a matter of opinion (Hayakawa).
Well. THAT certainly makes it easier to say “I am imperfect … I have failed.” Because, well, it is on a basis of opinion (and everyone has opinions).
Failure, on the other and, suggests a more severe shortcoming that has more severe consequences.
How ‘bout that?
There is some tough love.
The word failure is tough love.
A severe shortcoming.
And if you have a shortcoming … well … there are consequences. In fact … more severe consequences.
And maybe in this politically correct world we want to soften up things a little … and we don’t ‘fail’ but rather we made a mistake or took a step on the path to success or whatever.
Maybe it is better to just say we failed at something.
I don’t know.
But I do believe we should be better at admitting failure. I believe it should be more acceptable to say “you failed” <without it being construed in a negative way>.
I do believe we should be better at understanding we have failings … and they have consequences.
Now. Notice. Hayakawa never, anywhere, attached “negative” or “bad” adjectives to consequences. He simply points out that failures suggest shortcomings leading to consequences.
And that, my friends, is a Life truth … and more people <in my eyes> should just step up to the plate and accept that truth without all the suggestions that they keep you from being a successful or ‘whole’ person.
We fail. And maybe it is because of some shortcoming and absolutely I am assuming that shortcoming will create at least one dead end in your life (toward some success). But it doesn’t mean that it keeps you from some other path to success.
It does not mean you are a failure. It just may mean you have failed, and you may fail consistently, if you pursue that path.
Ok.
Next.
And when I went hunting I found a blog focused solely on failure. And it wasn’t bad or negative or even totally depressing.
Now. It certainly wasn’t uplifting by any stretch of the imagination but it was kind of an interesting glimpse into what I assume was a normal every day woman kind of getting a grip on life.
And this blog is her way of doing it … by embracing failure (she actually has a post called “why have a blog about failure?”: http://soyoufailed.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/why-have-a-blog-about-failure/)
As she says in her ‘about me’ section:
Who am I?
- I am female
- I’m in my mid 30′s
- I live in the Bay Area, California
- My day job is as a User Experience Designer (my 24 hour/day job is “failure” 
)
- I am a mother of 2 beautiful boys
- My “other” interests besides failure are photography, learning to play the guitar, and user experience design.
I loved it.
“my other interests beyond failure …” Nice perspective.
The site has glimpses of insight <albeit I wonder if writing nonstop about failure is completely healthy>. And while absolutely focused on failure, which I equate to a songwriter trying to write every song about a falling star <or God>, there are truly some nice perspectives on failing.
And all written from an everyday perspective.
Anyway.
About a failure <she says as one of 5 things> …
5. You learned something.
And that’s what life is all about. Learning something. In failing you probably learned something about yourself, about someone else, about a situation, about how to do something better next time. Failing is so valuable. Don’t focus on the failure. Focus on what you got from that failure.
So go ahead, fail on!
(nice closing line by the way)
Life is about learning.
Life is about failure.
I imagine the corollary thought would be “how boring would life be if we never failed?” there is such a stigma attached to failure … and the word itself. In fact, to be politically correct, I probably shouldn’t use the word failure.
It would be “trial & error” (what a bunch of bullhockey).
Look.
We fail.
And it’s okay to fail.
And it’s even okay to fail on some of the really Big things in life. Not that you try to … just that … well … we do.
It is called Life.
- Marriages fall apart even when you don’t really want them to.
- You try to win a game but you don’t.
- You try and lose those 10 pounds and you don’t.
- You try and be the best friend you can but miss when a good friend needs you.
Some are big things. Some are small things.
But all ‘things’ examples of failing at something.
And, once again, that’s okay. It’s cool.
You aren’t a failure just because you failed.
And that is a big, no HUGE, distinction.
You aren’t a failure … unless … you don’t pay attention to #5 (you learned something). You just failed.
Because, in fact, some failures are just part of life.
Maybe these are “failings” rather than failures but … well … whatever. Semantics.
I guess my point here is don’t aim to fail <as if any of us actually would, huh?> but recognize you do fail. And accept it IS failing.
Lastly.
Here is a great example of how failure … well … happens. And we (who are perfect of course) looking at failure happening right before our eyes … need to be very very <very> careful in our judgement with regard to failings and failure.
Let me give you a really big example … a really good one … which was part of this whole ‘failure’ blog:
… my crisis started. I had reached a point where I just could not figure out what to do. I was crying and weeping and just could not calm myself down. I got to the point when I had to ask myself, “What will make you sane and get you through this moment? What will keep you from killing yourself right now?” And to me, and it is a different thing for everybody, smoking had always been the thing that I turned to when I got to such a low point. It was what got me to calm down and take a moment and just be present. For some it could be a stiff drink, a dozen donuts, or a shopping spree. For me it was smoking. So I did it. I failed my abstinence. I went to the closest Walgreens, bought a pack, and smoked a cigarette.
And I admit, I failed even more and bought two more packs to get me through lower lows these past few months. I gave myself a break. I thought, it is better to have a crutch to get through these horrible days, than to be perfect and not have a crutch and go crazy. I took it easy on myself, I “failed” myself. Or more like I let myself have what I needed. I think at some point in our lives, when we need to, we should give in to ourselves. In our darkest times, we need to stop and think about what we need to get us through it. If you need to spend $1000 on clothing to save yourself, do it.
But know when it is time to stop. Know when the break needs to be over. Know when the fail needs to stop. For me that break is over now. I need to stop smoking now, before it becomes a full blown addiction again. Before it spirals out of control. Now it is becoming less helpful and is on the brink of being harmful. And so, while it is still easy to stop, I have stopped. I no longer need my crutch. It has done its job. It has gotten me through my darkest times.
I hope that for you, when you are going through a tough time, that you are able to stop and think about what crutch you need to get you through, and that you let yourself have that and let yourself fail. But I also hope that at some point, when you are healed, you are able to gracefully lay the crutch down.
Big thought in there.
“In our darkest times, we need to stop and think about what we need to get us through it. If you need to spend $1000 on clothing to save yourself, do it.
But know when it is time to stop. Know when the break needs to be over. Know when the fail needs to stop.”
Failing always needs context.
No. It doesn’t need excuses … just context.
I wrote about this kind of thing over a year ago … I stated there and then I was wrong … wrong in a way that this blogger said it best.
Here is what I said: http://brucemctague.com/doubt-part-3-crushed-between-internal-and-external-doubt
(the key words from that post)
Do what it takes to keep it alive. Keep your sense of I and don’t lose it.
Whatever it takes.
Let me repeat.
Whatever it takes.
In the past I have judged people who have leaned on religion. Leaned on prescription drugs. Leaned on self help books. Leaned on betterment programs.
Well. I have been a fool.
And ignorant.
A stupid ignorant fool.
For whatever path one chooses to maintain their flame is the right path. And a good path. And a path well taken.
You do whatever it takes to keep the flame alive and don’t get crushed by doubt. That’s it. Bottom line.
I didn’t know better words at that time but in my head I saw some things as “failings”, or failure, in people and was making my own judgments on their actions.
Look.
We have rules. We have guidelines. We have distinctions between what is right and wrong. And if we don’t meet them we ‘fail.’
Yes. All of that is true.
Yet.
In dark times … you have to do whatever you have to do to cross that dark bridge.
Whatever. Even if it means ‘failing’ in some form or fashion. Even if it means that it LOOKS like failure in someone else’s eyes.
The blogger is right.
It is okay to fail.
Failing does not make you a failure.
By the way …. Here is the site:
I fail, you fail, we all fail. Here is our tale.
courage faith & character
Dec 8th
“A man of courage is also full of faith.”
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Let’s be clear on this quote. “Faith” in this case has nothing to do with religion. Faith in this case is all about “self.”
Faith in oneself.
A belief in oneself. Self actualization. Self esteem. Strength in self.
All that good (Maslow) stuff.
Which leads me to a second quote from good ole Cicero.
“A man’s own manner and character is what most becomes him.”
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Lets connect the dots.
Courage. True courage is a lot about resiliency. Resiliency in the face of adversity. The adversity can be extreme or it can be ‘humdrum’ (I just wanted to use that word) but in the end it is just good ole plain adversity.
Faith. And to be able to not quit in the face of adversity you have to have some faith in oneself. Faith in that you can deal with it or you will figure out how to deal with it. Faith that somewhere and somehow you won’t fail.
Character. And character comes into play in two ways … the manner you face adversity as well as the strength it takes to face adversity (when it is a shitload easier to just simply quit). Strength of character is the foundation for this whole courage thing. That is why I put it last.
Courage.
Faith.
Character.
By the way. I threw in the ‘humdrum’ to make a point. Everyday life, the routine life, being a parent, being committed to showing up every day at work, doing well in school, being nice in the face of the abusive … all of that takes courage. A lot of courage. And faith. And even more character. We forget this kind of stuff whenever we speak about courage.
We seek to put courage up on this pedestal of extraordinary behavior in the face of the most extreme adversity.
Is that courage? Sure.
But it’s often courage inspired by sheer human survival.
In other words … be courageous or die.
Is that admirable? You betcha. Those folk deserve every bit of admiration and attention they deserve.
But then there is day to day courage.
Is it heroic? Well. No. Not particularly. It is simply having the fortitude and backbone and character and resiliency to deal with what has to be done. With whatever responsibility you have assumed.
It is sometimes easy to shrug it off as “what is the alternative” but it takes inner courage regardless.
Should it be celebrated with medals and speeches and stuff like that? Nope (or I don’t believe so).
But I also believe it should be recognized.
Day to day life is tough.
And it takes courage to deal with it.
Why do I care?
Well. Because so many people quit in the face of day to day. Those who don’t should recognize that. Because they COULD have quit. But they didn’t. Is that “take a bullet” courage? Nope. Is it a different type of courage? Yup. It is 365 days a year type courage. The ability to wake up each morning to face whatever it is you have to face type courage. It is a sneaky type of courage. Because the more famous type of courage you have a specific enemy. They have a gun. They want to kill you. It is you against them.
Life is a little trickier.
Or maybe let’s call it a more sly enemy.
It doesn’t seek to hunt you down one day with a bullet (or whatever). It seeks to wear you down and find ‘the moment’ to destroy whatever it is you may have.
So lets work the formula backwards.
Character.
Faith.
Resilience.
Courage.
Dealing with Life begins with courage. And takes character as the bookend. And in between takes faith & resilience to manage the adversity.
Courage.
Sometimes think about measuring it by how you deal with life.
You may find more courage around you than you ever imagined.
never fear the event
Sep 2nd
“Never Fear the Event.”
Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
So.
I am using a quote from a guy who probably was one of the best at seeking out ‘events’ rather than fear or avoid them.
Therefore it becomes difficult to use this occasion to discuss worrying about things that will never happen and fear of what could be.
Instead this is all about the ‘impending event’ and fearing it.
In Nelson’s case it was huge cannons shooting big iron balls at him with the intent of taking his head off (and whoda thunk it would actually be a mini ball that would get him in the end).
But. You know what?
He took that bullet that killed him standing in full admiral dress uniform on the main deck in full view of his men and all his enemy to see. Leading. Did he feel “fear?” Sure.
I am sure somewhere inside him he had to feel something. But the event took precedent.
Fear, dread and worry are odd things. But very real odd things.
And because I am writing about ‘the event’ they affect the event. Or maybe better said they affect your performance at the event.
They become important to talk about for in the moment of the event should lie peace and a certain contentment if we accept the moment as it is (and you actually want to do your best at the event).
But fear saps peace. And worse it saps energy.
“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” Leo F. Buscaglia
I will change this quote for my needs and say “it only saps today of its energy.”
The constant litany of everything that should have been done, everything that needs to be done, everything you wish you had time to have done … and done it better … sap energy that could be invested in the event.
And many of the things I just listed are driven of fear of the event.
Now. I am not suggesting not being prepared or thinking through what needs to be done or anything like that.
But events are meant to be commanded not feared.
And the difference between approaching an event looking at both of these is significantly different.
I am sure we all have encountered that familiar tightening in your gut as you not only near the event but sometimes just even thinking about the damn thing.
Deep breaths don’t do shit.
Convincing yourself that everything will be okay doesn’t do shit.
And building the perfect plan CERTAINLY doesn’t do shit. (because inevitably it will all go to shit and you will fester and worry about that)
Let me tell you the conclusion of what will occur AFTER the event with worries:
“None of it happened (what I feared or worried about).”
“Some of what I feared happened.” (but it the world didn’t stop spinning)
Oh.
“Look at all the time I wasted.” (fearing the event)
The anxiety and fear associated with the event is a big fat frickin’ waste of time.
Imagining how everything was going to turn out badly was a waste of energy. (and the people who suggest that doing such things made everyone better prepared are wrong … unequivocally wrong)
Some guy who had a crappy education and ended up on CNN or something like that said: “I’d been so focused on my doubts, on replaying that tape of me at my worst, that I’d forgotten who was truly helping me become the best I could be.”
Dude.
You got it (the issue). And you got it (what you wanted).
Ok.
The point.
Yeah. I purposefully selected probably one of the best naval commanders of all time to make this point.
You can fear the event or you can command the event.
Boldness, or commanding the moment, does have a certain power to it. I won’t call it magic but rather energy.
And that makes fearing what is actually something that is inevitable (the event) is just plain silly. And just a plain waste of energy.
I don’t care if it’s a presentation, a speaking event, your driver’s test, an interview or even a frickin’ date.
They are inevitable events.
Seek to command. Do not enter into the event in fear. Stand on the deck amongst the bullets in full uniform and take what will come.
But.
Command. Do not fear the event.
Command the event.
more important than fear
Jul 10th
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”
Ambrose Redmoon
In one of the first posts I ever wrote I included this quote within a group of quotes. Here is what I wrote:
- I am fortunate enough to know a number of Marines. I don’t believe any of them have ever refuted the fact they felt fear at some point. At the same time I do not believe they have ever referred to themselves as showing courage. They simply state “the alternative wasn’t an option.” They found that something was more important than fear. We could all learn that lesson even without the actual bullets.
Looking back I wouldn’t change a word. I don’t know how soldiers do it. But notice, every time you ever hear the best …. they never talk about their courage. They signed up to do a job. And they do it.
It is here that looking back I would add some words. About life. And people. The capacity of people is stunning on occasion if you take a moment and look at it. And I mean just ordinary life and the sometimes overwhelming responsibilities that often try and crush the moment with fear of “how am I going to do it all.”
The kids first day of school. The air conditioning is broken (and you don’t live in Alaska). The car you just picked up from the body shop getting fixed from an accident isn’t right and needs additional work. All the extra expenses that come crashing in with all those things. Difficulty at work with an employee. Brand new tenant dealing with the broken air conditioning. The logistics associated with getting everything done and being at the right place at the right time and the seemingly endless check writing.
That’s just an example.
I would imagine all of us have ‘these days’ of some type. And all of us discover ‘judgment of something more important than fear’ and don’t just break down or freeze into inaction.
But just because we all do it shouldn’t stop us from looking around and recognize the courage of some of those people who find the courage to step up and run these types of gauntlets. I sometimes believe we are all so focused on dealing with our own shit that we are numbed to what other people around us are dealing with – and the stunning grace with which they handle that shit which make it easy to overlook.
While I began this post talking about courage in the sense of facing extraordinary situations where death is an option. I end this post focusing on everyday life where despite the fear that someone just may not be able to measure up to the everyday pressures and responsibilities that same person finds the courage to get through it. Sometimes in solitude so no one ever knows.
I guess the point of this is maybe take a moment and look around you. Courage takes shape in some of the most unlikely of people. I know I do it. If only because I find the depth of character to just do, sometimes in solitude, often in silence … awe inspiring.
about doubt parts 1,2 & 3
Apr 8th
about this doubt series of posts. it began with a couple of very personal self doubt, self direction writings from a delightfully talented 20something Jamie. she reminded me of the sometimes overwhelming doubt minefield we traverse through life. she reminded me of a delightfully talented and funny guy, josh kilmer purcell, who I truly admired and liked when I worked with him who wrote one of the most painfully insightful personal books (I Am Not Myself These Days: A Memoir) on the dangers of the minefield. she also reminded me to look around and see who I knew who may be struggling thru the minefield now in their life. so. i wrote. some from personal experience. some from having managed dozens of people and caring about them as people not just business. some writing just from the heart. okay. maybe all from the heart.
anyway. thanks Jamie.
keep moving forward. you are doing just fine. just like me at your age you may explode a couple of those mines and sometimes it may feel like you have had your ass blown up but the odds are if you are still moving your ass is fine.
doubt part 1: self doubt
Apr 8th
Trying to shut the whisper of self doubt out of your life is often one of life’s biggest challenges. Some free advice. Doubt is like your shadow. It’s always there. But. Next piece of advice. So what. It’s just your shadow. So. With that cryptic piece of advice out of the way here is what made me think about self doubt (and I have written about others doubt as a companion post):
Jamie the 20something says: It’s like you want something so badly that it becomes a part of every single second of your day and you want it so badly that you feel like you’re walking this very thin tightrope without a net below you. Like, you’re so vulnerable and so empowered and so on fire that it’s frightening, but, I mean, what else are you going to do? Stop wanting it? Er, pretend to stop wanting it? Stop wanting something because you want it so bad that the worry of potential disappointment is stronger than the hope of potential success?
I mean, what the hell do you do?
So. Without even using the word doubt Jamie talks to us about it. The pressure to want ‘to do something’ and the vulnerability that comes along with the actual doing (okay. Maybe better said the ‘trying’).
Often the difficulty is discerning the amount of truth in your own self doubt. Because not everything in life is possible (no matter how those inspirational posters tell you so). Hard work and focus can solve some things and cannot solve some others. If you don’t have the hand-eye coordination to hit a 100mph fastball you just cannot be a baseball player. If you don’t have a natural gift of speaking at best you will always have that unnatural stiffness of practiced speaking. ‘Modest doubt’ is a good thing.
“Modest doubt is called the beacon of the wise. “
William Shakespeare
Sometimes self doubt is a reality check. Just make sure you don’t ignore a small dose of reality.
The next level of self doubt is separating doubt from fear of the attempt and fear of failure. It is difficult and doubt sneaks as you assess what to do from perceived strengths and real strengths (or weaknesses if you want to take that road). This is where self doubt gets tricky (or challenging). Self doubt can freeze you into inaction. And inaction can take place in a variety of ways because it is a sly little devil. Be careful ‘inaction doubt’ doesn’t hide itself somewhere in the ‘I don’t have enough information yet’ or ‘I will do it when I gain some more experience’ or even ‘I don’t know where to start’ phrases of fear of attempt. Sure. Some of them have a shred of truth but if you are waiting for everything to be all lined up to say ‘go’, well, you may as well decide now it ain’t ever gonna happen.
Anyway. I imagine the best thought may be that rarely does something really bad happen because of the attempt. You can’t hide from life. You have to live it. Especially if you ever want even a chance to reach your dreams or aspirations. And the attempt will almost always be despite the doubts (for 100% certainty is simple foolishness). So. In the end how do you deal with self doubt?
“Action will remove the doubt that theory cannot solve”
Pehyl Hsieh
Oh. One last thought (in a post strewn with quotes):
“If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.”
Francis Bacon
Maybe, in the end, a little self doubt isn’t bad.
