Enlightened Conflict

not even an opportunity to say no

June 14th, 2016

 

no means no rape change my mind

Let me tell you why I believe, in the Stanford sexual assault <rape> case … the one where a young man sexually assaulted an unconscious woman, the punishment deserves to be the harshest …

 

“she never even had the opportunity to say no.”

 

 

I saw someone had written “but where do we draw the line and stop worrying about being politically correct every second of the day and see that rape on campuses aren’t always because people are rapists.”

 

Oh my. What bullshit. Bullshit logic absolving someone of personal responsibility for … well … assault.

 

I have two words for everyone … assault & unconscious. That is the bottom line on judgement.

 

And while I am sure well meaning people will reflect positively on the young man’s overall character … the truth in Life is that some moments matter more than others with regard to character and morality. There are some moments in which we get judged at our worst. Is the moment truly a reflection of everything only act if you get a yes no means nowho this young man is? Of course not. And, yet, the action, the behavior, the assault, carries a responsibility for which he must carry as a burden for the rest of his life … and the punishment should reflect that responsibility burden.

 

 

I don’t speak with young men often about consensual sex but I have a pretty simple piece of advice:

 

 

  • “No” means no.

 

  • “I am not sure” means no.

 

  • “Maybe” … means no.

 

 

  • Only “Yes” means yes.

 

That said.

 

The young lady who was raped … never even had the opportunity to say no. She was so drunk, passed out, she never had the opportunity to say no.

 

From a guy’s perspective this action then turns out to the worst version of rape that could happen <as if there were actually degrees of worstness when it comes to rape … there is not>.

 

His actions are indefensible.

 

His punishment should be harsh.

 

It is quite possible I am looking at this wrong … but in my mind … while nonconsensual sex is inexcusable … I cannot even find the moral <or immoral> category you would put sex with someone who can neither consent or not consent.

 

This doesn’t even fall in any way into a ‘miscommunication’ or ‘misunderstanding’ zone … this is simply “I am going to take what may be one of the most valuable things you can give someone because I want it and it doesn’t matter what you may think.”i said no means no rape

 

I wrote about rape maybe in 2013. I called it a life formula that didn’t add up to me.

 

The number of women who admit to having been raped versus the number of men who have said they have raped.

Uhm.

 

I tend to believe we all know of someone who has been raped.

 

But.

 

I tend to believe very few of us know someone who has admitted to rape.

 

This means that either a few guys have been very busy being assholes or there are a bunch of guys who are avoiding the truth <I tend to believe it is the latter>.

 

Rape is solveable. The punishment should be so harsh that a guy seriously considers his actions. Basically he should be wondering if his dick will fall off if he commits rape.

 

Look.

I am not writing this to judge anyone.

 

I am commenting on the Stanford rape case and suggesting that guys should judge themselves more harshly and with a higher sense of responsibility <and their parents should do so also>.

 

And it is quite possible I am dancing on the head of the moral equivalence pin.

 

I am fairly sure understanding “no means no” is a simple enough idea.

 

I am fairly sure understanding if someone says that do not want to have sex, they do not want to have sex.

 

I am fairly sure understanding if someone says they aren’t sure having sex is a good idea, they do not want to have sex.

 

I am fairly sure understanding if someone says … well … nothing, they are silent, they do not want to have sex.

 

I am fairly sure you should know that you should stop trying to have sex with a person who says they do not want to have sex.

 

I am absolutely positive that a young woman, who did not even have being drunk is not consent no mean no rapethe opportunity to say ‘no’ had something taken from her that will be with her for the rest of her Life.

 

An irresponsible young man took it from her. He took something without asking, without ever hearing a yes or a no, with silence as his guide … something that she can ever regain.

 

Assessing the cost is impossible.

 

I do not know the punishment he deserves. Jail feels not harsh enough.  But the cost will never equal what he took. And he should feel that cost, whatever it is, for the rest of his life.

 

I get angry when I think about this case. Shit. I get angry when I think of rape in general. And I got even angrier when a father suggested “should my son be punished this harshly for a 20 minute mistake.”

 

WTF.

 

The concept, the fucking stupid mental gymnastics it takes, to find the equivalence of “20 minutes of stupidity” to “a lifetime of something that can never be regained” is absurd.

 

I am not suggesting we should make this young man an example.

 

I believe we should make all rapists an example. Make the punishment so harsh that sex carries the inevitable responsibility it should carry.

 

I tend to believe the fact we are even having the discussion about what I believe rape is rapeis an incredible misalignment of punishment not fitting the crime suggests we, societally & culturally, have a bigger issue we need to address.

It seems to me that we all need a strong lesson in the fact that there is little, if no, ‘moral culpability’ with regard to rape.

 

Sexual assault is sexual assault.

 

Rape is rape.

Enlightened Conflict