Warning: New Years Wishes dependent upon Jiminy Cricket are in danger

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When you wish upon a star

Makes no difference who you are

Anything your heart desires will come to you

If your heart is in your dream

No request is too extreme

When you wish upon a star

As dreamers do

Fate is kind

=

Jiminy Cricket “when you wish upon a star”

Ok. I do not believe in New Year’s resolutions <although I do believe in wishing on stars>. But that is me.

Everyone else?

I have heard somewhere in the vicinity of 90% of people in the US make wishes at New Years.

Maybe 75% of those people are drunk and only 39% remember the wishes <that’s about 37% of total population if you didn’t have your abacus>.

Uhm. Hope you didn’t waste your time on the math because it doesn’t mean shit. It doesn’t mean shit because chief wish dispenser, Jiminy Cricket, is no longer with us. This rumor has been with us for years.  The demise of Jiminy Cricket has typically attributed to that lying bastard Pinocchio <although Pinocchio himself was caught in a tragic situation where Luigi was snowbound after a freak Italian blizzard and needed some wood to boil water for pasta or starve to death>.

Anyway. Jiminy was thriving and dispensing wishes upon stars (especially busy on New Year’s eves) for many years. Hence the reason so many of you actually did have wishes come true on occasion. Unfortunately, while newspapers seem to miss it, Jiminy quietly passed away several years ago from lingering complications from DDT exposure before it was outlawed as a pesticide. Therefore. If you wished upon a star this New Year’s eve you are screwed.

Sorry. Next year skip the wish and just have another cocktail.

I would note that beyond making wishes come true he was also a spokescricket for Insects International, the group that provides relief to insects that have lost their homes to natural disasters.

In addition, in his last years Jiminy had been doing some volunteer work for the Pentagon in Afghanistan. It is a little known fact but al Qaeda are big wishers on stars and Jiminy was doing his part to provide some wish misdirection.

<note: the Pentagon has no comment>

At one point, after hearing of Jiminy’s loss, Osama Bin Laden was quoted as saying ‘we will now have to create our own falling stars.’

<CIA has not commented on threat status to civilization>

With all that said.

We wish Jiminy the best.

And know, if you wished upon a star this New Year’s Eve, it won’t come true.

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p.s. – keep wishing on stars anyway.

Have a Happy New Year.

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Written by Bruce