CIA eyes the Hot Dog as new Weapon

While the FBI has been using hot dogs for years as a fat, cholesterol and sodium weapon against domestic spies (remember. FBI can only do whatever it is they do in the USA) the CIA, given a recent pediatricians suggestion, is pondering the use of Hot Dogs internationally as a weapon in a different way.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has requested hot dogs to come with a warning label because they pose a choking hazard to babies and children. Even better the academy would like hot dogs “redesigned” so their size, shape and texture make them less likely to lodge in a youngster’s throat.

Well.

Not surprisingly the CIA sat up and started paying attention when they heard more than 10,000 children under 14 go to the emergency room each year after choking on food, and up to 77 die (source: Pediatrics).

In addition, about 17% of food-related asphyxiations are caused by hot dogs.

Why did the CIA pay attention?

Given recent budget cuts the CIA is exploring different methods to “silence the enemy.”

A spokesperson for the CIA says, “We are not concerned the studies focused on children. We believe ‘throat lodging’ is actually indicative of lack of ‘hot dog eating experience’ and not the size of an individual’s throat.”

In the United States it appears we will be redesigning hot dogs in the future – “If you were to take the best engineers in the world and try to design the perfect plug for a child’s airway, it would be a hot dog,” says Gary Smith, director of the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.

Then Smith went on to note he doesn’t know exactly how someone would redesign a hot dog, he’s certain that some savvy inventor will find a way.

On a separate note an anonymous mother, when asked about the hot dog issue, suggested:

“As a mother who has fed toddlers cylindrical foods like grapes, bananas, hot dogs and carrots, I ‘redesigned’ them in my kitchen by cutting them with a paring knife until my children were old enough to manage on their own.”

Pediatricians had no comment.

Hot dog manufacturers stated that until hot dogs have been redesigned they will seek to expand distribution in Iran, Afghanistan and a number of other countries.

An anonymous CIA spokesperson states they don’t believe Afghanistan has paring knives.

<NOTE: this is a satirical post>