doubt part 3: crushed between internal and external doubt

So.

Self doubt. Internal.

Others doubt. External.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm …

But what happens when someone starts getting crushed in the middle?

I have a good friend who I believe is being crushed in between.

I would imagine anyone who is going thru unemployment combined with some natural internal doubts or insecurities faces it. Shit. Even if you have a strong sense of “I” (or “i”) not having a job, if you have always had a job, is tough with the ole doubt weight.

And it takes some strength and support to run this internal and external gauntlet and not get crushed. But. I fear he is being crushed between them.

Let me explain what is being crushed <and I am probably not going to get the words exactly right>.

I think all of us have a flame inside us.

It’s not hope. It’s not belief. It’s not ego.

It’s just …. I.

Sometimes a little i and sometime a capital I … but always burning inside us is this flame of i-ness.

And I think doubts <even more than failures> threaten the strength of that flame.

So when internal doubts and external doubts start pushing in on that flame … that I in us gets threatened.

It may not be threatened in terms of being extinguished it just may simply become harder to see.

The i may become so small it is difficult to find.

Or maybe in some people the doubts bring a darkness with them that just makes it hard to see or find the i.

Most of the time it flickers back to life and grows stronger. And while a lot of people suggest it is belief in yourself <or it starts with yourself> that is just one way … it can be any number of reasons how it regains its strength.

But.

The scary thing is this combination of internal and external can be so overwhelming it can freeze you.

Just when you need to move you don’t. And then you don’t again. And before you know it the shadows, the darkness, starts overwhelming the light of the flame.

And, even worse, it gets so dark … even if you decide to move … the way out isn’t that clear a path.

Why?

Because I can imagine it can start looking really dark in there.

When I call my friend … I can still see a dim light. Sometimes just a flicker. And I do anything I can to insure it doesn’t extinguish.

But sometimes I don’t know what to do.

And then I envision, shit, if I don’t know what to do then how the hell can he know what to do?

The difficulty is sometimes that ‘i-flame’ looks so fragile in the darkness you fear blowing it out if you push too hard.

Anyway.

I fear he is losing sight of the “I” within him as doubts overwhelm the flame.

But.

This isn’t about me and whether I am smart enough to help my friend.

This is about what I do know and being crushed in the wretched hollow in between self doubt and external doubt.

What I do know about that flame of I inside each of us.

Do what it takes to keep it alive.

Keep your sense of I and don’t lose it.

Whatever it takes.

Let me repeat.

Whatever it takes.

In the past I have judged people who have leaned on religion. Leaned on prescription drugs. Leaned on self help books. Leaned on betterment programs.

Well.

I have been a fool.

And ignorant.

A stupid ignorant fool.

For whatever path one chooses to maintain their flame is the right path.

And a good path.

And a path well taken.

You do whatever it takes to keep the flame alive and don’t get crushed by doubt.

That’s it.

Bottom line.

Well my friend. I hope you read this. In fact I hope a lot of people read this. And I hope we think about any of our friends who may be getting crushed in between the weight of internal and external doubts.

I know I would do whatever it takes to make sure none of my friends ever got crushed.

And I imagine if I pulled them out hard enough they would start moving and get the hell out of there.

But.

We all need to remember.

Sometimes when you are stuck. And frozen. And it is so frickin’ dark you can’t see a frickin’ thing <let alone this frickin’ path this guy Bruce keeps talking about>.

If someone reaches in and grabs you, maybe hold on for awhile and see where they get you to.

That is called accepting help.

And that is part of “whatever it takes.”