“I’m fine”
Ah.
How many times have we heard those two words?
How many times have we accepted the response and moved on?
Oh.
And how many times should we not have moved on?
So.
I have had this post in my draft folder since mid March. It just didnt seem done enough to post. Like it was missing something. And then the news about Junior Seau’s suicide came out yesterday. Not everyone will know Junior <a great USC football player and NFL linebacker> and that is okay … the point is he was 43. And successful. And his friends and family had no idea he had thoughts of suicide.
I am sure they all heard “I’m fine” numerous times.
Two things hit me hard when the story came out.
First. His mother <and please don’t get me started on who the idiot was who thought it would be a good idea to put a grieving mother in front of a microphone only hours after learning her son had died> saying “who would do this to my son?” It was not even in the realm of possibility in her grief stricken state to consider he was suicidal.
Second. An ex-teammate holding back tears onscreen describing how Junior would get injury treatment in private so his teammates never saw him ‘less than.’ And how that same teammate broke down admitting he never thought that would translate the same way into personal life … and the pain in his voice when he said “if only he had told us … any of us would have been there for him.”
<note: I am not sure anything is a stronger reminder of how suicide impacts anyone and everyone than watching a massive man who has singlehandedly destroyed other very large strong men on the football field sob over the helplessness of not being able to do anything … or being given the chance to do something>
Look.
We should not be fooled into thinking this is just about sports concussions or athletes who struggle with life after sports. Yes. These men are well oiled competitive sports machines who are ‘wired’ to be that way. But. We would be foolish to not believe that there are also well oiled competitive life machines.
People who go through life … well … just fine <thank you very much>.
They look smooth and seamless in life. They take bumps and bruises from life in stride and inevitably shrug them off and keep on playing the game of life at a highly competitive level.
Ah.
But. (Yeah there is a but).
Behind closed doors.
I go back to the two things that struck me the most in the Junior Seau aftermath.
Mother. Disbelief “who would do this to my son” (never crossing her mind it could be suicide). Athlete friend. He always took treatment in private so that in front of us he was always the best he could be.
And that same friend saying that no one would have hesitated to be there … if he had let them in.
Well oiled Life machine people are always “fine.”
“I’m fine” is one of those evasive phrases we use when we have no intention of elaborating.
Ok.
Maybe think about it this way.
“I’m fine” may be the single most common lie.
You know what I mean.
Someone asks “how are you?” and you say “I’m fine.”
And you aren’t.
It sucks at that moment. And maybe not normal sucking … maybe some big time sucking at the moment.
It happens. Just as Life happens.
And because you are a ‘well oiled life machine’ you know people see you as ‘fine’ so … you use the words to confirm it.
Some thoughts.
What do we do when “I’m fine” is simply camouflage for some private and intensely personal material that because we never <or very rarely share> is next to impossible to say out loud?
First.
Think about the material that is really ‘not fine.’ And maybe redefine it in your head so that you can actually get to ‘second.’
Second.
This is the easy answer <for me to say> … talk. Speak. Say something.
Simply say “well … not fine.”
I say that and I purposefully put <for me to say> because I could just as easily have put ‘this is the hard part <for me to do>.’ And I honestly believe I am not that different with regard to this as others.
The simple act of talking can be incredibly important … and incredibly difficult. Talking openly about emotions and feelings is a good thing … and incredibly difficult. Issues should not go unnoticed … and is incredibly difficult to be noticed for something like this.
Hmmmmm …. incredibly difficult.
So what do we do? <the truth> … we would rather lie.
This ordinary lie is in everyday life.
And just as lying, in general, is not a good thing in this case … if you are not paying attention … really paying attention … this lie … unattended … will keep the individual from changing for the better … and actually will keep the person from being fine at some point … and, at its worst, will reach a Junior Seau level.
Ok.
“I am fine.”
This may not be a lie for you … but <this I guarantee … unequivocally guarantee> someone within the next week who says “I’m fine” is not.
Because I don’t think that most people are “fine” most of the time.
Most of us have problems.
And many of us have serious problems … physical illnesses, addictions, emotional struggles, marriage stuff, real financial difficulties, inordinate job stress, and parenting challenges … or any number of real Life issues that can keep us up at night.
That’s life.
It is not whining … nor ‘weak’ … we have all faced some of these problems in life and when we do … we are not ‘fine’.
We are … well … just ‘dealing.’ Or maybe just coping.
But that is not fine.
Not fine is being confused, sad, hurt, scared, lonely, angry, lost. All of which different people deal with differently <and obviously everyone has a different capacity for ‘not fine’ stuff> but dealing well or not dealing with … it is all in the “I am not fine” category.
This is tough stuff.
This is personal stuff.
And for most people it’s not easy to be honest and truthful about our troubles. It is part self reflection struggle and part ‘strength of character’ struggle <makes me look weak>.
But I believe more people need to be honest. Because I honestly believe it is the only way to get the help to get better.
But that’s me.
Many people would rather just answer “I’m fine.”
Too embarrassed to share their problems, maybe even to themselves, they lie.
Lying to themselves.
Lying to someone else.
Doesn’t matter.
It’s a lie.
And within the lie they get, and remain, trapped.
Trapped in situations that often go from bad to worse.
And worse leads to the worst <which in most minds is ‘unsolvable>. That, my friends, is the slippery slope of this lie.
If you’re anxious and worried all of the time, you’re not fine.
If you’re stressed and angry all the time you’re not fine.
If you’re fighting with your spouse/parents all the time, you’re not fine.
If you’re drifting through life without a purpose, you’re not fine.
But <here’s the good news>.
It’s okay not to be fine.
It’s okay to talk about it.
It’s okay to acknowledge that your mind can have issues just like any part of your body.
Acceptance is half the battle in my opinion.
Everyone has their weak spots.The one thing that despite your best efforts, will always bring you to your knees, regardless of how strong you are otherwise.
-Sarah Dessen
However, in my experience, even the smartest strongest people fall short of accepting anything other than “I’m fine” even when confronted with glaring in-the-face facts about illogical and irrational behavior. Those well oiled Life machines cannot envision not being well oiled.
To them it is all or nothing with very very little inbetween.
Anyway.
Why did I write this?
Because I like writing about the truth.
Because Junior Seau, a 43 year old man, who to his friends was “fine” committed suicide.
Because I was also just reading about some really jarring truth in Amanda Beard’s memoir. A young woman who has, what, 7 Olympic gold medals? Posed for magazines?
Yet … Beard kept her physical and emotional turmoil <including cutting, bulimia, depression, massive anxiety> all hidden behind a beautiful smile and an incredible athletic talent. She revealed little, if nothing, to her family, friends and coaches.
I envision they both had mastered the art of “I’m fine” responses.
That kind of truth behind an ‘I’m fine’ is unsettling.
But possibly it is only truth that can finally set you free from the ‘not fine’ category.
Oh.
Because I want to just remind everyone. Receivers, and ignore-ers, of “I’m fine” are just as culpable in this lie. We sometimes just aren’t paying attention <for good and bad reasons … you judge yourself … I cannot>.
So.
Pay attention.
Sometimes “I’m fine” is truly a lie.
And someone needs help.
And sometimes those who need the help the most just do not know how to ask for it.
And you know what?
They really aren’t asking for help … they are simply asking for hope.
And anyone one of us is qualified to give that.
Ok. So i have a special folder in my email history where i save personal emails i receive commenting on something i have written. it is an amazing compliment to have that folder. this post, “i’m fine”, was another of those posts that generated maybe 8 to 10 one-on-one emails … people just talking about what they personally deal with … and what they have dealt with..
several thoughts from this post (and i will not break the one-on-one trust in what i share).
guys.
8 out of 10 emails were men. is that a reflection of the fact i am a guy and maybe more men read my site then women? i don’t know. what i do know is that guys typically suck at showing anything that could be construed as weakness. i only say that to support how i ended my post … pay attention – the ones who may seem the least likely may not be fine.
discussing ‘i am not fine.’
whew. that was the common theme. without disclosing who … this summarizes what is going on in a ‘maybe i am not fine’ head as well as any email i received … “It’s hard to admit that you’re not fine. Because not only do you have to admit there’s something wrong, but you have to face your own fear of being stigmatized and judged. Add in the shame and loss of self-worth that comes with it and it gets even harder. Because you’re not sure everyone’s going to think it’s okay to talk about.
I had the idea recently that I might talk about it. But I wasn’t sure. Then your post provided a serendipitous opportunity. So this is me taking the opportunity to tell someone. Just to see how it feels to talk about it.”
i responded. heck. i responded to every email. that was kind of the point of what i wrote wasn’t it?
helping “i’m not fine.”
there are a shitload of ‘not fines’ out there.
I believe I have seen a number like 20something% of americans reflect symptoms of depression and almost 40% take prescription drugs of some kind to combat depression-like thoughts (quoted from memory so may not be completely factual).
i said this to every single person who contacted me … “The point of what I wrote is that sometimes even the best intentioned people, who are willing to help, cannot help if they are not permitted.” helping ‘i am not fine’ is a 2 way street. i am not better than pretty much anyone i know … i say that because that pretty much means there are a boatload of people who will not judge and will help … if they are permitted to
thanks to everyone who not only comments but sends me some of the most rewarding one-on-one thoughts i have ever had the pleasure of reading.