the difficulties of being too nice

So.

 

I guess I never thought about this too much <well … at least rarely> … generosity and being nice and crap like that.

 

And then all of a sudden my mother suggested (said) to me “you are too nice.”

 

Well.

 

If that doesn’t give you pause and make you think, well, I am not sure what will.

 

(I will give her the benefit of the doubt in that she has never seen me in a work environment and she is my mom and has a sometimes different way of looking at things)

 

Anyway.

 

Too nice.

 

I have heard it with guys and girls (“he is a nice guy”). And I know for sure that it is the kiss of death when it’s tied to love or building relationships (but good if you are in one).

 

But when it’s tied to generosity?

 

Or let’s call it “giving with no strings attached” … is that being too nice?

 

If you believe in what some people call “radical generosity” (and I admit  … that word ‘radical’ kinda gets my hackles up a bit) is that being too nice?

 

Look.

In my recent decision to live more simply I recognize certainly there was a component of generosity … although I believe it was more a sense of family obligation or maybe responsibility.

And it is quite possible someone like my mother is mixing up generosity with responsibility.

But.

Who knows? Maybe they are so tied to each other it is difficult to separate.

 

Now.

I do admit.

 

I have never thought of my own behavior as ‘nice’ or ‘generous’ or whatever. Just as I tend to not look at “poor” as just money (although I am not opposed to financially helping people).

Someone can be “poor” in self esteem, support, kindness, words, thinking … the list can be pretty extensive when you start stacking them up beyond ‘money’.

 

And (while I am not suggesting everyone have the same compass that I do) I believe I have a personal responsibility to helping those ‘poor’ in whatever. It’s a decision I made a long time ago.

 

And, yeah, that includes financial support but, once again, I just don’t think of it as generosity … or being “too nice” … it is simply a responsibility I have assumed as part of my ‘life responsibilities.’

A part of who I am as a person.

 

Anyway.

Too nice.

 

No matter how I type those two words for some reason it stings a little.

And I cannot figure out why. Because being nice … is … well … nice.

 

Okay.

A brief side note on the work place (and being nice).

 

I don’t believe anyone who has ever worked with me would suggest I was too nice in the workplace. Balanced at best.

It’s funny. I know I have a ‘switch’ inside me that gets switched on when I go to work. I am different professionally and personally. Solidly grounded in between with a sense of values & ethics but different in behavior and actions (and attitudes I would assume) in the two places.

 

The first time I ever saw this in someone else was actually in college.

And it was an eye opener to me.

 

Keith Van Horne was a buddy of mine at USC (all American guard as a Trojan and NFL hall of fame lineman). As a buddy he was mild mannered and soft spoken and a fairly reserved ‘gentle giant.’

 

So.

One game I happened to be on field as the Trojans came out of the tunnel at the Coliseum before a game. As Horne ’burst out of the tunnel onto the field I called out to him.

He kind of looked over at me. And I was almost bowled over by the ferocity in his eyes and look.

I am not sure he even recognized me.

He was ‘in the game.’ And then he proceeded to go out and do what he did every game at USC which was singlehandedly destroy every player he ran into throughout the game.

The next day? Gentle giant.

 

Light switch.

I saw it first hand.

 

Anyway.

Done with that (just felt like telling a story).

 

Back to too nice personally and generosity.

 

I watch how people struggle with this.

 

Struggle with this decision of giving or generosity or, I would imagine, a sense of responsibility toward helping other human beings be happier or more fulfilled.

 

I tend to believe almost everyone (excepting the truly greedy of which I just don’t believe that there are that many in the world) struggles with how to exercise generosity with whatever resources, money, time and everything owned from a material standpoint that they have. Because there are very very few people who do not feel stretched. Stretched for any resource (time, heart, money, whatever).

 

Man.

This is a tough one.

 

And I am glad I have it set in my own head (although I am fairly sure it confuses my mother).

 

I think it would help people if they moved away from “when I make a little more money, or when I get this month’s bills paid off then I can be more generous”.

Unburdened with that thought I believe generosity certainly falls into the random acts of kindness category.

 

Now.

That isn’t what some people call “radical generosity” but, you know what? I could care less.

 

Generosity, or niceness, doesn’t, and shouldn’t, have a ‘scale.’

 

One act of generosity shouldn’t be valued less than 10 acts of generosity.

 

Bottom line – generosity is not a competition.

No one should be keeping a balance sheet scoring ‘gives’ versus what you keep.

 

So.

 

If all this earns me a ‘too nice’ label?

Once again I say “if that is the worst it gets I can live with it.”

One last thought on this.

Just something for everyone to think about.

I am not religious (by any stretch of the imagination).

But I believe it is in the Hebrew scriptures of the Bible to give 10% of everything “you make” away to others in need.

I know we all seem stretched in our lives and living in a recession can be scary at times but it is quite possible if you look around you there will be aspects of “abundance” that may actually represent “need” to someone else.

 

“Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.”

Kahlil Gibran

 

It’s just a thought.

 

So.

In the end? Maybe it is this simple.

“The best portions of a good man’s life. His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.”

William Wordsworth

 

Whew. If that is “being too nice”?

Well.

Gosh.

I think I can live with that. And sleep pretty well at night.

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Written by Bruce