Posts tagged biathlon
Olympic Update 4
Feb 27th
Figure skating
So. They come right out of the blocks with a scoring scandal. Awesome. All the judging hijinks (love that word) have sufficiently made all the American male skaters weep like babies and the ever Slavic Soviets sneer in disdain. The Russian after party set a record for vodka consumed and some were caught out on the biathlon course shooting Kalashnikovs at targets with American skaters’ heads on the targets while Americans sipped triple caramel frappucinos and discussed Ralph Lauren designs for all the Olympic teams.
The loser, Plushenko, coach Alexei Mishin and even a few Russian politicians were furious with the results of the men’s scoring because Plush (as his friends call him) finished second after being the only top contender to land a clean quadruple jump.
“Quad is quad. If the Olympic champion doesn’t know how to jump the quad, I don’t know,” Plushenko said afterward. “Now it’s not men’s figure skating, it’s dancing. That’s my point.” (point to Plush).
From this scoring “scandal” the Russian skater believes he’s the platinum medal winner (cause he didn’t win the gold). His medal reads, “Silver of Salt Lake, Gold of Torino, Platinum of Vancouver.” What’s impressive here is that not only has Plushenko’s website team fabricated an Olympic medal, it designed a platinum medal, too. Bravo. That’s commitment. Oh. Unfortunately it isn’t real but it makes for a great story. (“It’s absolutely a mistake. Evgeni has absolutely no idea about this. Absolutely no idea,” his coach said, “Nobody from our team is awarding a platinum medal.”). Nuts.
Anyway. Here is where American skating finally gets a real gold medal (at least from the Enlightened Conflict judge).
The Olympics’ hottest couple is not one of the figure skating or ice dancing pairs. No, it’s this crying figure skating gold medalist Evan Lysacek and the darling of the Beijing Olympics, Nastia Liukin, who has a gold medal of her own in all-around gymnastics. Awesome. X-rated visuals inserted here.
Oh. Last. How awesome would it be if we kind of had a figure skating biathlon? I am not sure we would be allowed to shoot at each other (although it may make them move a little faster on the ice) but maybe at the conclusion of their performance they take up a rifle and see how many judges they can knock down, kind of like the shooting gallery at the circus. Just a thought if TV ratings are down.
The Biathlon (just because I am hooked)
Neuner (the biathlon beauty as she is known in her country which up until her had steroid swimmers and international arm wrestling champions to line up as ‘beauties’) won a second gold. I just wanted to start this section with Nooner…oops…Neuner.
Next. The Russians, Germans and French medaled in the women’s Biathlon relay (nice combination of friendly countries that have certainly never shot at each other in the past, ignoring WWI & 2 & numerous other medieval conflicts of course).
France got a 22 second lead at the first exchange, but then Russia and Germany caught up to on the second leg, and the three teams stayed together until the Russians pulled away. At the prone shooting station, the Russian quickly made all five shots to open up an 11.6 second lead over Germany, while poor shooting cost France a chance at the gold.
The French woman missed five of her eight shots and had to ski two penalty laps putting France more than a minute behind. Ok. As you will see this point later in this post, how the fuck do she train 4 years for an event that only happens once every 4 years and MISS 67% of the shots she took?
Anyway. As background (because I assume this is my last shooting/skiing post), as you might expect from a sport that involves a rifle, the biathlon has military roots. Norwegian soldiers have been running combined skiing and shooting races since at least the mid 1700’s and the Norwegian military sponsored the first modern race of this kind in 1921. It wasn’t quite like the biathlon we know but rather it was an event called “military patrol” that involved a four-man patrol going through the event in heavy backpacks. (And bigger guns than they have today)
Military patrol was actually a medal event at the 1924 Winter Olympics but was only a demonstration sport at the 1928, 1936 and 1948 Games. The idea of individuals racing on skis with guns gained popularity in Europe throughout the 1950s (I believe this is also the time that Heineken became quite popular in Europe) and by 1960, the races were back on the Olympic program as the individual biathlon event. Personally, I would prefer this event be called the Military Patrol pursuit and let them shoot at each other.
Downhill skiing
Ok. I know those gate thingies have a lot of give but if you are going 100 mph in negative 5 degree weather and are getting smacked every time you go by one my guess is it hurts like shit. And when they wipeout, hey, it ain’t a half assed wipeout. But I have a better idea. I personally believe they should have stone monuments instead of the gates. Kind of like the Stonehenge of downhill skiing. Now that would make it exciting. Team events could be called the “chip off the old block” downhill super – P (p for pain).
Curling
I keep wondering if someone at MSNBC pissed someone off. While you can watch Olympics coverage almost 24/7 on MSNBC, it is always curling. USA versus Switzerland. USA versus Sweden. USA versus China. USA curling practice (they do curls in the gym). USA against everyone and losing (I think they are maybe 2 and 6 as I write this, but because I am unclear how they score this stupid thing I cannot really tell who won until everyone starts jumping up and down and sliding all over the ice in some whimsical ice dance celebration…an aboriginal interpretive dance I believe). I mean who the hell at MSNBC screwed up? They don’t even get one event with someone in tights. It is only the most unathletic looking Olympic athletes in the history of Olympics. Wow. Someone better be updating their resume.
Olympics Update 2
Feb 19th
Women’s Biathlon “pursuit”
Ok. I am addicted. Chicks in tights with guns. The German woman (I am sure she is east German because they were always the ones who could shoot in the good ole Soviet days) is attractive in a gun slinging way and wasn’t even huffing & puffing despite cross country skiing up a reverse ski jump slope and then shooting something they suggest is “the size of a grapefruit” from 100 yards away or so. In fact. After shooting she almost looked bored. Her name is Magdalena Neuner and she won her second medal of the Games and her first gold today. I love the way they describe her “Neuner, the fastest skier on the biathlon circuit but an inconsistent shot.” Love it. A good reminder to not stand behind the target when she is shooting.
She is already one of the Germany’s most popular athletes and is known as the “biathlon beauty”.
Anyway. I have always had a standard rule that I never give anything sharp as a gift to a woman (you can never tell when it may come back and haunt you). However, I may be interested in giving a rifle if they could do this cross country ski and shoot thing and look as good as they do in tights.
Men’s Biathlon “pursuit”
So. This was kind of funny in a sad way for some of the contestants. They screwed up the start for a number of the contestants. And they screwed it up because they have this really screwy thing where they stagger the start of the second stage of this biathlon thing depending on what time they had in the first stage. For example, if you finished 45 minutes after the gold medal winner in the first stage you start 45 minutes after him in the second stage. Holy cow. So some guy who finished like 2 minutes behind the leader in the first stage they started 2 minutes and 14 seconds (or some crap like that) after the first guy started shooshing (I have always wanted to type that) and everyone in the announcer booth is freaking out and there are coaches running alongside the skiers shouting and the skiers have loaded guns (so I am hoping they don’t get too pissed off) and the Canadians are all standing around smiling and being nice because that is what Canadians do and…well…I am truly beginning to like this biathlon thing.
Oh. What the fuck is this “pursuit” thing? It’s a frickin’ race. Call it that.
Ice Hockey
So. I tried watching some of the USA – Switzerland ice hockey match only to realize that I not only cannot watch NHL games but I also cannot watch Olympics ice hockey games. It’s ice hockey. At least they score more than soccer. USAToday scoreboard told me USA won 3-1. This may be the closest I get to watching Olympics ice hockey.
Speed Skating
Ok. What’s up with Korea and Japan and China? I know they kick ass on the pommel horse and the incredibly kooky floor exercise in gymnastics, but speed skating? When did that happen? Anyway.
It is this event that has given us “the name of the Olympics”: Joji Kato.
Japanese name but would be a kickass name in any language.
Also. I would like to remind all the youngsters in the crowd that Kato (it could have been Cato) was Peter Seller’s (Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau) sidekick in all the Pink Panther movies. My favorite was when Kato hid in the refrigerator to catch Inspector Clouseau unawares but that is another post for another day.
The Weather
Ok. I am not a meteorologist nor do I even look at my local forecast (usually figure it’s gonna be what it’s gonna be). Anyway. This Olympics weather thing confuses me.
As I understand it, things have been rainy and slushy so they have been pushing some events back but most events kept cranking along. Ok. That I get (but I will make a point later).
But then all of a sudden it starts snowing and they are putting events on hold. Say what? This is a Winter Olympics I believe. Wouldn’t you be actually jumping with joy and shoving competitors out the door at the first sign of snow? Confusing. In my simple mind no snow equals Summer Olympics and lots of snow equals Winter Olympics. But that’s me.
Next. The whole rainy and 40’s and slush thing. Aren’t you supposed to schedule Winter Olympics somewhere where it is cold and has snow and ice and stuff like that? But, hey, I am not smart enough to be on the International Olympics Committee.
(But I would still recommend some place cold and snowy for the next Winter Olympics)
Olympic Update Part 1
Feb 16th
This whole Biathlon thing.
I love writing about the biathlon because no one else does (and I am slightly fascinated by this whole skiing and shooting thing).
So. In the Women’s Biathlon Sprint event Slovakia’s Anastazia Kuzmina won with a score of “19:55.6”. Once again the scoring is one of those things that take a guidebook. Speed of skiing and penalties for misses. Anyway. It’s like 7 kilometers of skiing or something like that. And then they shoot at this miniature target of Osama bin Laden all with a heart rate of over 170 or something like that (apparently it is an incorrect belief that these shooters slow their heart rate to level the sighting). Just to give you some perspective it’s like maybe jumping rope for 15 straight minutes or doing a hundred straight jumping jacks a fast as you can and then sitting down with a pencil and writing all your valentine’s day cards (in a way someone can actually read them). Amazing stuff.
The guns are wacky looking but they do seem kind of lethal (so you don’t see a lot of spectators hanging out behind the targets).
And in the Men’s Biathlon Sprint event. (And I am still a little unclear how this merits a “sprint” heading .. see Summer Olympics hundred yard dash as example of confusion). Anyway. The top three were:
France. Vincent Jay
Norway. Emil Hegle Svendsen
Croatia. Jakov Fak
Never heard of them (but have heard of the countries). I just wanted to note the winners. I figured this may be the only time their names appear on our radar. Oh. Yeah, their fans (who I assume are mostly relatives or people who subscribe to Guns & Ammo), they are nuts. Think cowbells and big funny hats and horns. I am just not sure guys who ski and shoot rifles for a living are funny hat/cowbell spanking type of guys but, hey, whatever floats your boat. Maybe the tickets were for free. I went to a fencing event at the Atlanta Olympics because I had free tickets (but I left my cowbell at home … just blew a dog whistle every time someone did something great).
This whole mogul downhill (going downhill with lots of bumps and a couple of jumps) skiing thing.
Women’s version. Ok. Men’s version. I don’t care. My knees and lower back just start hurting every time I watch these contestants bounce their way down the hill. Their knees pump furiously as they pound down the course. Their runs are a brilliant mix of speed and technical skiing with daring back flips and “helicopter spins” and other amazing feats that seem to defy gravity. Who thought this crap up? Awesome.
Women’s ice hockey
The Canadian women’s hockey team, a two-time defending Olympic gold medalist, didn’t disappoint. The Canadians cranked out an 18-0 rout of Slovakia (exciting the 16,000 Canadian fans eager cheer to keep warm and disappointing the 496 Slovakian fans – who cheered anyway to keep warm). C’mon. 18 to zilch? And I thought Slovakia had ice rinks. Oh well. They would beat the crap out of Canada in a “bryndzove halusky” (small dumplings made of potato dough with sheep cheese and topped with scrambled bacon) cooking contest. I know that for sure.
This speed skating thing.
Yikes. First the solo stuff. Who decided to put that on television exclusively? 20 some laps of two guys skating around a really small rink with one hand tied behind their back (ok. that’s what it looked like). And then there is the group speed skating thing. In the huge wipeout fortunately the Koreans weren’t injured with those razor sharp blades flying in their pileup (thank god they weren’t North Koreans or some nukes may have been dropped). Anyway. This group speed skating is kind of like Indy car racing where the cars are inches apart and you cannot really fathom how they can stay so close to each other without hitting each other. But, it was kind of amazing to see the skaters in that one race self destruct at what would have been a 1-2-3 finish for them and allow the Americans to take the 2-3 positions in the race. These races often have a little bit of roller derby flavor. But on really big skates. And with funky colored outfits. I still admit I don’t really get it and it seems a little boring to me.
Cross country skiing.
Awesome. Today a really cute 22 year old Swede girl unexpectedly won her cross country event and puked after crossing the finish line (she still had a Crest bright big smile afterwards). The Polish woman, the favorite, collapses in fatigue maybe a minute from the finish (so that’s collapsing after maybe 23 minutes of cross country skiing). I need to watch more of this. Put it on prime time I say.
Oh. And how cool is it your coach (or I assume it is a coach and not some random spectator hovering at the side of the track) is screaming at the top of their lungs (and because it is in Swedish or Russian or Croatian I have no clue what they are saying) at the skier as they ski by. I assume they are saying something like “you are a lardass and an embarrassment to the queen (or whatever monarch is appropriate) and may your ancestors be hamsters if you don’t win a medal.” But the screaming person sludging their way through the snow beside the track is awesome. I would go if I could do that.
