I am not a hunter but have friends who hunt. And I got into an interesting conversation because I thought it was simply “on this date grab your gun, wake up at some ungodly hour, put on something that kind of looks like it should blend in with Camouflage thong night at the gay disco, but wear at least one bright thing so you don’t get shot as a camouflaged deer, go out into the woods and shoot Bambi.” But, no, it is more complicated than that.

Mostly in that it becomes very easy to go out on the wrong day and get in trouble.

There are actually seasons based on the type of deer <Whitetail Buck, Antlered, Whitetail Doe, Antlerless or Button Buck>.

And then the actual hunting months and the specific dates during the approved months also vary from state to state and even from county to county within the state itself.

It can get confusing if all you want to do is go out and kill a deer one weekend.


And then there is “choice of weapon.” Kind of like a duel <except the huntee doesn’t get a choice … just the hunter>.

Bows & arrows <sometimes called archery>.

Muzzle loading guns <think Civil War but 2013 style>.

Rifles <these are the snipers from all those cool movies with the shaky cameras that give you headaches>.

Sometimes they let the people with the bows & arrows run around at the same time as the people with the Civil War guns. Kind of like cowboys & Indians except they aren’t shooting at each other … just the buffalo.

The rifle season is almost always by its lonesome.  I think these are the guys who stuff branches and leaves into their clothing so they look like walking shrubs as they skulk around in actual shrubs <and the real shrubs are the ones chuckling>.

And, of course, you always end up with stories like this:

<Arkansas>The Johnson County sheriff says a 43-year-old man is dead after he was shot by a man who mistook him for a deer.

Sheriff Jimmy Dorney says Thomas Edward Sears, who went by the name Eddie, was walking along a trail beside Horsehead Creek on Wednesday afternoon when he was shot.

Authorities say a man was sitting in a swing in his backyard when he saw movement across the creek from his residence. The sheriff says the resident retrieved a rifle and fired one shot at what he thought was a deer.

The resident found Sears dead of a gunshot wound when he went to investigate.

Shit. Look at what happened to Eddie … and I doubt he was white tailed, buttoned <whatever that is> or even antlered.


I admit.

I don’t “get” hunting but I have a couple of friends who love it <and they are good non-white supremacist and non antigovernment doomsday guys> and it is cool to see the antlers in the ‘man caves.’  Therefore … on with deer season.

For me? I will stick with the infamous McKenzie Brothers “beer hunter.”

I wish I could find a clip on youtube so you could see a game of beer hunter <shake one of the beers in a six pack and then each person has to pick one and open it next to your head to ‘hunt’ the shaken beer>. I know.


In lieu of that i have included the infamous “how to get a mouse in a beer” McKenzie Brothers clip:

How to get a Mouse in a Beer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsgVspgy184&noredirect=1

Happy Hunting.

Written by Bruce