enlightened college football conflict analysis

Opening weekend in college football. My look at the top 25 and some other stuff and my enlightened expert analysis.


Because I have been very very consistent on this issue I need to comment on BYU going independent (I have always believed the Mormons should just have an all-star team and beat the crap out of everyone).  Oh. I also believe an all star team would constantly receive NCAA violations for too many tickets allocated for the wives section so maybe that is a vote against that idea.

Anyway. Awesome. The Mormon team can now be free to do what Dean Smith of UNC used to do. Promise incoming players they would schedule games where they were from or their families were. BYU can now travel the world to play maybe in Africa, Latin America or even Easter Island. Now THAT is a recruiting ploy (the bastards).


No Notre Dame in the top 25 so I don’t get to make any Charlie Weiss jokes or talk about jimmy c’losin’ or Knute spinning in his grave over their win loss record. But. Suffice it to say my prediction is they will be better than last year. Yeah. I know. I really stuck my neck out on that one.


The top 25. A quick look at the games enlightened conflict style.

No. 1 Alabama vs. San Jose State
Alabama plays ‘san’s Mark Ingram. No way Jose! Oh. Saban is still stuck on sport center set playing ginga with Mack Brown. Doesn’t matter. Bama fraternity parties will have more drunks then in the stands by the end of the 3rd quarter.

No. 2 Ohio State vs. Marshall
I still don’t think Pryor is a great quarterback. But. He is absolutely a thundering herd as he rolls down the field. He is kind of a Tebow-lite player. I didn’t like Tebow either. Doesn’t matter. Buckeyes won’t look as good as everyone wants them to look. Everyone will start questioning how good they are. But. They will win. And Tressell will sport a brand new argyle sweater vest which will wow the boys from West Virginia.

florida fan

No. 3 Florida vs. Miami (OH)

Don’t misread. This ain’t THE Miami. How Florida is number 3 is beyond me. Talented? Yes. Number 3? You gotta be nuts. Yeah. Gator country celebrates this week. Florida. Enjoy it while you can. By the end of the season you ain’t number 3.

No. 4 Texas vs. Rice

Longhorns eat rice. Makes for leaner beef.  No mad cows here.

No. 5 Boise State vs. No. 6 Virginia Tech

Broncos leave the smurf turf to try and make a point they belong in college football instead of high school football. The Hokies are young and inexperienced and the crowd will be drunk. They will play lights out in the first half. Then Boise will remind themselves that if they lose they end up playing a bunch of games on silly looking turf in -5 degree weather and no one will care … and they win.

No. 7 TCU vs. No. 22 Oregon State

Whoever scheduled a game between Horned Frogs and Beavers should be given a raise. Purple and obnoxious beaver orange and black and random colors appear on the field will be offensive to the eye. The score? Who cares. Every fashion designer in the world will find inspiration in this game. Dammit. But beavers are bigger than frogs I believe.

No. 8 Oklahoma vs. Utah State

Oklahoma starts their run at another BCS bowl loss. They are better than everyone thinks they are. Doesn’t mean they won’t lose another bowl game but today they start showing everyone how good they are.

No. 9 Nebraska vs. Western Kentucky

This is awesome. This is probably the closest most Nebraska boys will ever get to Kentucky. The only hope for the Kentucky team is that all the Nebraska boys will be staring at their cheerleaders thinking “wow, that’s what girls are supposed to look like” and forget to play. Well. Won’t happen.  But don’t be surprised if some second team Nebraska boys transfer to a southeast college afterwards.

No. 10 Iowa vs. Eastern Illinois

Nobody probably remembers but last year Iowa sucked in their first game and almost lost to some high school team in northern Iowa. Won’t happen this year. They will focus. That just means they will suck in their second game this year.

No. 11 Oregon vs. New Mexico

boise state

Well. having been in New Mexico I will first point out green and ducks are a rarity. So. The Lobos will come out and not only be befuddled by whatever wacky uniforms the Ducks are wearing but also spend at least a half researching this new color they are seeing as well as “what the fuck is a duck and do they only get that big in Oregon?” By then the game will be done and Nike will be happy and the Lobos can go home and talk about rain and this new amazing color called green and ‘have you ever seen that big a fucking duck?”

No. 12 Wisconsin vs. UNLV

So. Wisconsin chooses to go to Vegas to start the season. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Badgers are good but the cheese boys are just gonna be getting in from the tables and the strip clubs and this game is gonna be closer than everyone thinks. Plus. Let me go on record. Wisconsin suspends at least three players after this weekend.

No. 13 Miami (Fla.) vs. Florida A&M

Being 13 is nuts (they should be higher). Miami is pissed. The rattlers get crushed. And watch Miami (as long as they stay pissed) start their run up into the top 10.

No. 14 Penn State vs. Youngstown State

Joe Paterno forgets to bring his Depends. Keeps leaving the sidelines. No one notices. Penn state is already focused on next game. It doesn’t matter. Its games like this that make you wonder why college football just doesn’t have a preseason game before really having games count.

No. 15 Pittsburgh at No. 24 Utah

This will be an awesome game even if you don’t care about Mormons, Indians, wildlife or anything outside of SEC football. I have no clue who will win. But I will watch this one.

No. 16 LSU vs. No. 18 North Carolina

Another awesome game. Everyone seems to be picking LSU but I actually believe UNC will suck it up and win this one. Now. UNC will end up losing some bonehead games later on in the season and underachieve but this one? Yeah. I think they make Miles throw his hat on the ground in frustration.

No. 17 Georgia Tech vs. South Carolina State

Well. Just having been in Atlanta I think that the rambling wreck fans will have other things to do than attend this game. I think it is Pot Festival weekend. The engineers (fans) all go off and get stoned, go to the Varsity and pig out and wander into the stadium after the game is done to see that Tech won and then go off and eat pizza and do whatever engineers do for fun.

No. 19 Arkansas vs. Tennessee Tech

Ryan Mallett is awesome. He will look even awesomer against Tennessee Tech. If he stays in the game long enough he is gonna put up better numbers than a Texas Tech quarterback. I will say it here and now. Mallett is gonna be an awesome pro quarterback if he stays healthy.

No. 20 Florida State vs. Samford

At first I thought it was Stanford and I was going to call this the IQ versus no IQ game. Nuts. Missed opportunity. Regardless. Seminoles can save whatever IQ they may have for another game. In fact. Maybe they should use this opportunity to go to some classes and skip the game because they would win anyway.

No. 21 Georgia vs. Louisiana-Lafayette

I am assuming Georgia scheduled this game thinking somehow it would prepare them for the ‘real’ Louisiana game. Whatever. UGA has the best looking girls in the top 25. Hands down. That’s all that really matters.

auburn frat boy

No. 23 Auburn vs. Arkansas State

So. Here’s a random fact. Auburn is the only team in the SEC to retain their entire coaching staff from last year (USA Today). Huh? Who cares? This is one of these stupid games that will tell us absolutely nothing about how good any team is. I hope it is 100 degrees and 90% humidity and everyone is miserable. Because if you tune into his game you will be miserable. The fans may as well share in your pain.

No. 24 West Virginia vs. Coastal Carolina

WTF. Who schedules these games? Ok. I admit. I liked the Mountaineers offense with Rodriguez and I do think they have a cool logo. Sorry. That’s all I got for this game. If West Virginia loses this game they should go to Chile and utilize their mining skills and get those miners out and stay there until December doing that.

Written by Bruce