===========

“It is even better to act quickly and err than to hesitate until the time of action is past.”

–

Carl von Clausewitz

===================

“Don’t die hesitating.”

–

Unknown

============

Ok.

‘More people die hesitating’ is a metaphor <I think>. But I like it. Hesitation is pretty much the bane of everyone’s existence. We hesitate in Life and we hesitate in business. Surprisingly, more often than not, our hesitation is actually a reflection of calculation than it is any real fear of action.

Yup.

We think too much.

We more often than not hesitate to assess, calculate our next move and ‘be smarter’ as we move forward.

Unfortunately that hesitation also means we become a sitting duck for Life to shoot us where we stand. This is a corollary to “if you are stationary, you will not survive.” Its a corollary because that quote mostly refers to stagnancy and , in this case, this is simply non movement moments in a typically moving frame of reference. What this means is if someone is paying attention and you hesitate, they can kill you. Or. If you hesitate in the midst of chaotic movement you may get smashed by some other object simply because you didn’t shift out of its way.

Anyway.

Life, and business, is fairly consistent with regard to how it allocates Time to us. It places shit in front of us … moment after moment … minute by minute … hour by hour … and says “decide.” This means time is allocated with something within it not ‘nothing.’

What that means is there is rarely any space allocated for hesitation. In other words, there is rarely time for hesitation.

Regardless of whether you look at life as short … or as long as how much stuff you fill it with … you are demanded to use Life as well as you can and more often than not you are penalized if you hesitate.

Whew. When I read what I just wrote I am tempted to conclude we should not hesitate … like … EVER.

I start leaning even more in that direction of thought because I tend to believe if you look upon your Life and find reasons why you may not be where you want to be, besides some general incompetence, you will most likely find a time & place where you hesitated. But we shouldn’t conclude that because hesitation in exactly the right moment can actually save you from making some misstep or mistake.

What I will say is hesitation trips you up all the time <and sometimes in some very stealthy sneaky ways>. Hesitation is always standing nearby waiting to give you a gift that keeps giving … and most likely a gift you didn’t ask for nor want.

Here is the reality.

Sometimes you shouldn’t pause and think in general.

Sometimes you shouldn’t pause and think, specifically, … “maybe I should not do this because …”

 Sometimes you just gotta go … whether you are ready or not.

===

“You’re never going to be 100% ready and it’s never going to be just the right time, but that’s the point.  It means that every moment is also the right moment.  If you want it, you just have to do it.”

Zoeerose

====

All moments offer an opportunity to hesitate.

All moments offer an opportunity to judge yourself poorly or judge your ‘odds’ poorly.

All moments remind you that nothing is ever perfect in Life and Life actually demands you take imperfect scenarios and constantly make imperfect decisions & choices.

===

I was dying to

hear

someone say

That I didn’t need

to try so hard to be perfect,

That I was enough

and

it was okay”

—

Kuffr

===

I imagine I agree that, metaphorically, more people die … their dreams, their aspirations, their ‘good things they deserve’ … because of hesitation than anything else.

I imagine I think the root of most hesitation, beyond true thoughtfulness, is assessment of preparedness … and in general … we suck at that assessment <we seek as often as possible to get as close to perfection – to limit risk – prior to moving on>.

I imagine I should just close by saying that, generally, hesitation is dangerous.

It could kill you.

It could kill your dreams.

It could kill what could be.

But.

Here is the good news.

With the sheer number of possible decisions & choices Life throws at you every day you will have an opportunity to not hesitate in the very near future <assuming, of course, your last hesitation didn’t kill you>.

What I can tell you is that you should hesitate with care because hesitation, more often than not, may not actually kill you but will kill something that matters to you (what you want, a dream, hope, progress, etc.).

================

“But today’s society is characterized by achievement orientation, and consequently it adores people who are successful and happy and, in particular, it adores the young.

It virtually ignores the value of all those who are otherwise, and in so doing blurs the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness.”

―

Viktor E. Frankl

=============

“The world has changed so much.

You’re either doing really well and everyone expects you should leave to take what they perceive to be a better job – or you’re not doing well and you should get fired.

The job is a good fit.  You do a quality job, be successful, you have good times and great times – the overwhelming feeling in our country is you can’t do that. That’s not possible.

You either need to be climbing or you need to get fired.”

——

Ben Jacobson <the basketball head coach of Northern Iowa Panthers>

================

(originally written in 2015)

So.

I am all for outcomes.

I am also all for ‘valiant attempts’ and I certainly believe trying is significantly more important than not trying … but … at some point … you gotta have some results.

That said. The pendulum in society has swung all the way over to achievement matters. In fact we are in a society where the Value of a person seems to be either driven solely by their outcomes/results or weighted so heavily by the outcomes/results that the effort portion, how hard & how you ‘play the game’, has minuscule value.

That’s bad. Bad for society. Bad for Life lessons. Bad for business. Just bad. It is bad because that means many people will ignore the price they will pay to achieve the outcome because the outcome, in and of itself, will contain all the value.

Yeah. Think about that. Taken to an extreme that would mean the attempt has zero value and trying & failing has zero, if not negative, value.

Ok. That is bad.

======

“But he did not understand the price.  Mortals never do.

They only see the prize, their heart’s desire, their dream … but the price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted.”

Neil Gaiman

=====

This thought becomes even worse , for society, because it also suggests “what are we willing to do to get what we want” is a zero sum game. What do I mean? Well. You are willing to do anything it takes to get what you want <the achievement>. The hell with rules … they are for people who don’t value achievement enough.

“The hell with guardrails and guidelines! They are for people who are scared to do what it takes.” This attitude cleverly steals away freedom of choice in that it suggests the only choice is the one that ensures achievement. This attitude strips choices of anything truly worthwhile like dignity and respect and humanity because all of those things are not criteria for what is the ultimate value – the result or outcome.

I say all this because by recognizing the enemy, by recognizing the issue or the problem, I can choose to face it. I would suggest that everything can be taken from you but one thing — the freedom to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances and to choose one’s own way in doing things. I would suggest that between any beginning and any end, or outcome; let’s just say that there is a space. And in that space is our power to choose what to do, how to do it and maybe even how to respond to whatever shit happens in that space.

I would argue within that space lies our growth and our freedom and, well, our value. And I believe more of our value is derived from that space than any outcome or number of achievements we will ever make.

I would argue that while achievement actually had three components <a> the initial step into the attempt itself, <b> the ‘space’ or whatever takes place in-between the step that begins and the final step that represents an acceptance that an outcome has occurred and <c> the result itself … it is the wretched hollow in between that defines not only the outcome but who and what we are as a person.

Now. To be clear. All three phases deserve personal credit.

Deciding to make the attempt, to take the step and try, is commendable.

Doing your best during the attempt is commendable.

And an outcome, failure or success, if you have done the best you can do … is commendable.

I am simply saying, should you follow through on all components, that it is the ‘space in between’ that ultimately creates the value.

Regardless. I would argue that we need to remind society of this and businesses for sure. And while this societal attitude may be doing is darndest to blur the decisive difference between being valuable in the sense of dignity and being valuable in the sense of usefulness I tend to believe the rising younger generation of workers, doers and thinkers are sensing the value in “the space”.

I tend to believe that the rising younger generation not only senses, but seeks; you can maintain dignity and achieve usefulness in terms of outcomes. We older folk shouldn’t suffocate this attitude and rather breathe Life into that belief <and empower it so that they can maybe create a generation of business better than the one we created>.

Look.

Results do matter. Achieving an outcome is important. And ‘winning’ is always preferable to ‘losing.’ But none of these things should ever come at the expense of dignity, respect and honor.

Achieving with dignity.

Winning with respect.

An honorable outcome.

That should be the definition of an outcome generation … not just ‘achieve, win, outcome above all.’

<insert a sigh here>

I have been trying to avoid using Trump as an example of shit that I write about, but on this topic it is difficult to not do so.

Trump embodies value solely found in outcome <or win>.

Trump embodies the wretchedness of ‘soulless competition.’

Trump embodies winning is all that matters <at the expense of everything else>.

I say that because if society is challenged in its current ‘achievement is all that matters’ focus we will now have as our main role model the epitome of ‘achievement is all that matters.’ For anyone who believes that how you win matters, like I, this is going to be a day in/day out battle for the soul of society.

Everyone deserves to win.

Everyone should have the opportunity to win.

Everyone should experience ‘win.’

But. Everyone needs to remember that the value of ‘the win’ is not in the win itself but rather in the space that exists between that first step and the actual outcome.

In the end.

The pendulum in society has certainly swing way over to achievement orientation and not with any real benefit (that I can discern) with regard to increased, or even enhanced, outcomes & results. In fact. It seems like in our enthusiasm for results we have stripped the meaning out of any results we have actually achieved. To me, that seems like hollow achievement which then translates into a hollowing of society on a grander scale. Yes. This is leading to a grander narrative around Purpose & meaningfulness but it would behoove us to have a tough discussion over achievements & how we have an unhealthy fixation on achievements in society.

=====

Q: Who hurt you?

——

    A:     My expectations

========

“I’ve survived a lot of things, and I’ll probably survive this.”

—–

J.D. Salinger

==============

So.

Seek and you will find may be one of the most misleading sayings of all time.

<I say this with apologies to Matthew who said in the bible … “ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” … in other words .. God can always be found, but must be sought out>

Except for faith, seeking doesn’t guarantee you will find shit. That is not to say there isn’t beauty in the seeking. Seeking is actually like a free ticket on a rollercoaster ride of thoughts. Every day you step onto the rollercoaster where it is an entirely new ride with an entirely new thrill with new heights and ups, downs, overs and unders. Whether you consider this a thrill or not <or simply ‘angst’> you also encounter the thrill of losing, finding, uncovering, discovering as well as expectations met and unmet. Yet, I would like to note, 99.999% of the time you survive the rollercoaster and get up the next day and get on again.

Seeking, in and of itself, can be maddeningly exhilarating and disappointing.

I have always believed you should not only surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but you should also surround yourself with dreams and doing and believing and thinking. But, as a seeker myself, suffice it to say, I have screwed myself over many more times than anyone else ever has or will <if I were to judge myself on the ‘find’ aspect>. I try and find some solace in the discovery scientific research suggests that seeking something actually more often translates into not finding.

Holy shit.That sucks.

This means the more we search for something, the more likely we are to NOT find it. No wonder ‘seek and you shall find’ is a bullshit piece of advice. This actually means seeking, in some form or fashion, may stand in the way of our discovering the truth <ponder that for a second>.

Why could that be? Well. Seeking has some goal in mind. Seeking has something it wants to find. But maybe most importantly … seeking is more often than not rooted in some expectations. And these expectations create some tensions which inevitably hurt you <although they are mostly survivable>. Life typically creates several bars of expectations we all have to navigate as we seek not only answers but being the best version of ourselves.

There are societal expectations. These are most usually absurdly high expectations of which few actually attain. And even if attainable are not attainable on any consistent basis. Therefore, even if you do attain it most likely is a brief glimpse of ‘meeting some absurd expectation which makes me feel fucking great if but only for a moment or two.’

There are personal expectations. Surprisingly these are actually more realistic expectations. Most of us know who and what we are and, in general, know what we are capable of. We set some expectations which are ‘high’ <because we all like to reach and grow and be better tomorrow than we are today> but they are not as absurdly high as the societal expectations. The good news? We attain these on occasion. And we feel pretty good about it <assuming we ignore the absurd societal expectations … and people permit us to ignore the societal expectations>.

There are, well, reality expectations. Reality is reality. Reality ignores what you wish and what you want and simply says “in this time & place this is what is attainable.” Basically reality doesn’t give a shit about what you want or how you set your expectations or even acknowledges any society bullshit … it just is what it is.

By the way we far too often ignore this last one.

Regardless. Expectations are a real sonuvabitch. But if you agree with what I just wrote they are a multi dimensional sonuvabitch. Trying to align these three things in your head is really difficult. Your brain ends up in a weird three way tug of war where truly the only thing that happens is it hurts.

Look.

I am a seeker. I seek information and knowledge and learning in an insatiable quest for more. And maybe because my greater expectation resides solely in ‘more’ I really am not hurt that often in any expectation game. What I mean by that is ‘see and you shall find’ implies … well … some destination … some specific ‘thing to be found.’ With ‘more’ as my destination … well … I have no specific destination.

Aw, shit, what a bunch of philosophical mumbo jumbo bullshit that looks like when I reread it.

Let’s just say expectations are a sonuvabitch. Period. Expectations most likely create more personal pain & angst than anything I can think of off the type of my head. That said. Expectations, most often, are survivable.

Aw shit, what do I know?

Well. Probably not much more tan what I have shared. But I would suggest that in the end your soul, the essence of your character and who and what you are, has the ability to see the subtle beautiful triumphs over expectations that the eyes often miss. So maybe close your eyes on occasion … maybe then you will see how what you simply saw as ‘survive’ was actually a triumph over expectations.

Please note … that is a good thing.

===

“Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly.

It’s your masterpiece after all.”

Nathan W. Morris

====

=============

I finished by saying that it struck me that all the ethical systems I was discussing were after the fact.

That is, that people act as they are disposed to, but they like to feel afterwards that they were right and so they invent systems that approve of their dispositions.”

—–

Alexei Panshin

============

“Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.”

–

Richelle E. Goodrich

====

Delighting the customer. Creating ‘happy moments.’ In the grander discussion of creating positive experiences in business, usually part of some misguided customer centric thinking, we seem to gravitate toward “special moments” in which we elevate the appropriate people’s happiness to a level in which they can actually recognize whatever happened was good.

We forget happiness is actually a Life formula in that we tend to make Life a zero sum game in experiential moments over the long haul. In other words. We naturally temper our happiness highs and seek to do things to actively fill up any emptiness a ad moment may have created.

This formula leads me to the post-happiness event let down. Someone once called this “happiness hangovers.”

I imagine any of us in the business world have felt this after a big meeting or some big trade show or some big thing we have prepared for and had some element of ‘showtime.’

That’s the same kind of funk we fall into after a holiday.

There are a couple of reasons this happens. One scientific and one mental.

Science.

The dopamine let down. Scientifically we juice ourselves up with dopamine in order to ‘meet the moment.’ Think of this as the feeling you get every time the email notification on your phone goes off… but every 15 seconds for almost 12 hours straight. Each ‘email has arrived’ notification sends a quick dose of dopamine to the brain, we get jolted <love the high> and then immediately receive another. When we are focused on this specific goal we get the rush of dopamine flowing through our brain and once the goal is achieved your body naturally reduces the levels of dopamine.

The body re-balances itself.

The dopamine high goes from high then to low. Eventually it re-calibrates to something finally normal <assuming there is something normal>.

Bottom line result? We feel bummed. We feel drained. That is the happiness let down scientifically.

Mental.

The positive feelings let down. According to psychologist Gary Stollak, psychology professor, most people have a “happiness set point.” Let’s call that a “5” on the self happiness meter.

Therefore when we get up for something and it concludes satisfactorily we rise to a high. Our happiness meter goes to 10 <maybe 11 if you are a Spinal Tap fan>.

Unfortunately your happiness meter balances out. That is partially why your happiest highs are often followed by depressed lows. The worst part of this aspect is what we fill the empty space, where that happiness used to hang out in & has now exited <the 11 to 2 gap>, with. We fill it with doubts, questions, regrets, what ifs, whatever else we could add in that diminishes the true happiness and high. Mentally it’s almost like we cannot accept the happiness was so good, so high, so as soon a the high itself is over we begin to look for imperfections & flaws with which to suggest “well, maybe it wasn’t that high.”

Bottom line result? We go high, we go low and, hopefully, normalize. That is the mental happiness let down.

Regardless.

My point in business and creating positive experiences is that it is impossible to always be high therefore there will inevitably be a low and you should seek to reset, or resettle, as quickly as possible. Effective resetting maximizes the feelings of the high and minimizes the low experiences.

This is hard because highs are, well, high and the aftermath is so anti-climactic versus the moment itself we tend to try and fill the space with stuff associated with the event trying to drag it out for as long as we can in order to put off the bad stuff I already pointed out.

For example, Christmas?

Leave the tree up.

Leave the lights up.

Maybe still play the music.

For example, Business?

Retell the highlight moments.

Replay portions & parts of the high.

Gather similar experiences <and even people> to relive aspects (shared experience).

While this happiness extension may seem like you are going backwards the intent is 2 things:

1. Its sole purpose is to alleviate happiness let down. Nothing more. Nothing less.
2. It is a purposeful attempt to address the fact we continuously try to invent things that approve of their dispositions. We hate to let it go even though our body is telling us we should. This usually occurs with the last lasting experience, therefore, the letdown. And maybe that is what hurts us the most.  Our bodies have left it behind and yet we continue to try and stuff our body with the trappings of what was.

Happiness let down. We all experience it. I imagine the question is – is it really bad for us to do it?

Well.

Research has linked the let-down of perceived stress with an increase in flare-ups of pain and other ailments. One study found that people experience more panic attacks on weekends, and a 2015 study from Taiwan found that holidays and Sundays have more emergency room admissions for peptic ulcers than weekdays do. A 2014 study showed migraine sufferers, in times of stress, didn’t impact migraine occurrence … but a decline in their perceived stress from one evening entry to the next entry was associated with increased migraine onset over the following six to 18 hours<they called this a “let-down headache”>

All that said. Once something is done it is never really completely gone and we deal with the ‘let down effect.’  And while we hang on relentlessly to the trappings even though the event is done and gone at least now you know there are real scientific and behind we are so silly.

Look.

While I have written about the fallacy behind “manufacturing happiness’ or the whole idea of ‘purposefully creating happiness’ I do tend to believe you can affect the degrees of happiness. It certainly helps if your happiness is more likely dependent upon some realistic expectations or maybe viewing the little moments within the larger grind that is known as Life instead of seeking some larger more grand utopian vision of happiness and big events to define happiness.

Let’s say that of now. This is where I end. Business has to manage the discrete moments of now in order to maximize happiness.

There is no code or formula for this. But I can almost guarantee if you acknowledge happiness hangover or happiness let down you will most likely end up doing something that helps.

————————–

“I knew I wasn’t the best and that I probably never would be. I was always competing, and I did all right, but I was never number one. I knew I wasn’t the best singer but I knew I didn’t have to be the best. My intense compulsion to write and sing my songs along with my persistence and dedication would carry me when I got bogged down in doubt and fear. And my imperfections would distinguish me. However they tortured me sometimes, my imperfections were what made me unique.”

======

From Juliana Hatfield biography “When I grow Up”

————————-

This is about self reflection, self awareness and aspects of growing up <although I think a lot of people could use some of these learnings>.

The opening quote is about as thoughtful a ‘growing up’ thought as anyone could have. Yet. It almost seems un-American <’I knew I wasn’t the best’> while at the same time an excellent recognition of ‘I didn’t have to be the best.’

Whew. I wish we taught this more often. To kids, to employees, heck, to people in general.  Competing is the name of the game. Only one can be the best. There is only one number one <hence its name>. So that one thought, ‘I can be successful and not have to be the best’, is fabulous.

In addition.

As we ‘compete’ in Life I imagine everyone is tortured in some way by our own imperfections but if we take a moment we can revel in those same imperfections as the things that make us unique. Interestingly, we can often be tortured by both things — uniqueness and imperfections. So often we want to be ‘like others’ despite not wanting to be like everyone else. Yikes. Now if there isn’t a paradox in life I don’t know what is.

Regardless.

Standing out in any way can be painful <at its worst> and a burden <at almost all times>. The sooner we can accept that <and hopefully teach our kids this> the sooner you accept the burden and move on.

Trite thought about individual imperfections/uniqueness, but, it is what it is <they are what they are>.

You can either invest a shitload of energy wishing it was something else or invest the energy being ‘persistent and dedicated’ toward something so you don’t get bogged down.

Recognition, self-awareness, is also a glimpse of the fact you sacrifice some aspects of ‘growing up’ when you put some blinders on professionally. In other words, your career becomes – or dominates – your life and other things inevitably get sacrificed.

Along this self awareness path we have to make some choices. They often get reflected in the things we all do on occasion despite the fact someone, who supposedly knows better, tells us it is or is not the thing to do. I am not going to suggest we should ignore what other people tell us. In fact. You do listen, choose t do or ignore. Inevitably this is often a lot of trial & error in finding out your own ‘what to do’ compass. Each time something happens you will always ask yourself ‘why’ or ‘what does this have to do with music <or your version of that>?  Sometimes you will scratch your head and wonder, sometimes you will scream in frustration and sometimes, well, it turns out okay.

The one thing I know for sure? The inner voice develops over time. Along the way you hope to avoid looking like an idiot but <I hate to break the news to you> you will look like an idiot at some point.

At some point in childhood, in your working years, heck, as a parent — you will look like an idiot. Why? Because Life doesn’t come with a ‘how to’ manual. You learn ‘how to’ live life by doing and watching and listening <and being an idiot>.

Sure. At some point your inner voice matures but until then? You will do something at some point that will make you look like an idiot.

Sometimes part of your idiocy is driven by what most people call ‘your passion.’ While every job, every career, every person has its challenges and issues a lot of peple forge their way thru this obstacle course focused on “what is my passion.”

Well. The grass may look greener but even your passion comes with some issues. Yes. Even following your passion is work at some point. That doesn’t mean you don’t love it and aren’t happy you chose doing it, but everything and anything can become a grind. No one really tells you that when discussing ‘follow your passion.’

Lastly.

Confidence in self. Whew. People with confidence can seem so intimidating in their, well, confidence. It is a suit of armor that protects them from the rest of us ‘less confident’ people. But here’s the deal. Confidence doesn’t equal knowledge or skill or ability.

Simplistically, all confidence equals is confidence. It is simply an attitude <albeit it sometimes appears as a skill>. Until actions match attitude all you gots is a whole bunch of attitude. To be clear. Hollow confidence is hollow and will not get you shit or anywhere except in the shit and nowhere.

It seems un-american these days to suggest that confidence isn’t the key to success. But here is a Life thought to ponder … maybe it is simply being a little less insecure that can insure some success — not having more confidence.

Having less of something means getting more of something else? <sometimes a good Life formula>

Sure. Someone could probably argue that is confidence but I would suggest it is simply being lessening some weight slowing you down and rather than adding something that can pull you forward <but possibly is an additional burden>.

But, hey … that sounds a lot of some Law of Gravity or something like that and what the heck does that have to do with Life? Everything.

You don’t have to be the best. You don’t have to be the most confident. You don’t have to be perfect. All you have to be is your best version of you.

===

“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.”

–

Janis Joplin

==========

“Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

–

Eleanor Roosevelt

======

Well.

I put these two quotes together on purpose which makes me say … who would have thought you could hear such an insightful thought from both ends of the spectrum – a woman who many believe ran our country for a period of time (if not absolutely influential on a variety of national programs) and a woman with amazing creative talent who dragged herself down into the depths of insecurity and loneliness?

And, yet, they both articulated the strength of “self.”

Ok. How about at least understanding that being true to yourself is the core to everything in life.

Now (part 1). True to yourself can actually be a tricky thing. It can be tricky because who you are today is NOT who you were yesterday. You learn, experience things, unlearn and while you may be grounded in integrity the trappings of you will shift & adapt.

Now (part 2). Life will do everything in its power to convince you that you have no clue what is ‘true to yourself.’

Society will do everything in its power to convince you that you not only have no clue what is ‘true to yourself’ but, also, if you have found your ‘true compass’ that your compass is pointed in the wrong direction.

Here is what I know.

I have learned, and know, you have to encourage people (and myself) to not let others drag you down.

I have learned, and know, your true compass doesn’t have to be defined in some words or be able to be described to people it just, well, points in the right direction.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to others and accept constructive criticism but, in the end, you are you. You aren’t inferior unless you believe it to be so. You aren’t superior to anyone & anything. You listen and look at your compass.

It sounds simple. And it is simple. But incredibly difficult to do.

You can adapt. All people do. That’s what experiencing Life is all about. But don’t ignore North on your compass. The moment you decide to go east, west, even northwest … you have began compromising who and what you are. Stay pointed North.

====

“I was surprised, I was happy for a day in 1975 / I was puzzled by a dream, stayed with me all day in 1995.”

opening couplet to The State I Am In <Belle & Sebastian>

====

“ … the softly creaking door into their sweet, strange, drolly funny and not a little sinister world, where it’s always a backwards-glancing daydream.”

writer in the Guardian about Belle & Sebastian

=====

    you:

let it go & move on

    me:

<with my fingers tightly curled around a subject, nails buried deep in it>

I Have

=======

So.

I tend to believe we all look back on occasion. Ok. I do not tend to believe. I know we look back incessantly.

Especially on the good stuff.

Ok. Especially on the bad stuff.

Ok. Suffice it to say, good or bad, we backward glance incessantly.

Heck. We are even creative in our backwards looking. It can be after decades, after years, after months, and, yeah, even after minutes.

“I always say the perfect words, five minutes after the conversation has ended.”

The world we look back at is a sinister little world. Sinister in that the view looking backwards more often than not is rebuilt in our heads to reflect some utopian feeling moment. Sinister in that we view some moment as if we were in control everything or, maybe conversely, the universe had controlled everything to occur at that moment in time <some would call this destiny or fate>.

Simplistically, this means backward glancing has a very uncomfortable relationship with “perfection.”

Yeah. Perfection. This happens because we ‘still’ time <make it stop in our viewing> and this creates a wacky perception that everything was actually still in that moment. Worse? That stillness implies control and alignment.

This is flawed thinking. Flawed because this utopian backwards moment is great conceptually but does not even come close to reflecting the reality.

Why?

Well. Several reasons but let me focus on our imperfection.

What we view backwards looking as perfect is more likely a reflection of our imperfection in the moment <or imperfections in general>.

Let’s maybe call those imperfections “a confluence of uncontrollable factors.” And what makes that idea even worse for us is, well, we hold on to the beautifully imperfect moments with fingernails dug in. To be clear … this can go both toward incredibly good memories and incredibly bad memories. Both reflections of imperfect reality which in the rear view mirror look perfectly aligned with us … or against us.  what I mean by this is that backwards looking is a completely  warped view in our heads.

• The moment is made up of imperfections yet we see it perfectly.
• The moment is most likely a confluence of uncontrollable factors yet we view all the factors as controllable <or we should have controlled>

That said. This means backwards glancing is more often than not grounded in what I often call “if only thinking.”

I coulda, shoulda, woulda things.

Backwards glancing far far <far> too often glances off of several thoughts which can steer our current view in the wrong direction:

• Not being good at something <or in a moment>
• Not being good enough <in the moment>
• Fucking something up <or a moment>
• Leaving when it got too hard <or leaving in a moment>

Yeah.

As for “if only” we can certainly change ourselves and our circumstances to some extent. I have written about this numerous times. However backwards glancing generates flawed perceptions of change.  It implies “well, if I had done this” or “if I had only been paying attention to” … you would have done the ‘right’ thing <whatever right truly is> and all would have been good.

Flawed thinking.

All that would have guaranteed is a different outcome and  different experience. Neither of which is guaranteed to be the ‘prefect’ scenario you envision.

Look.

I believe that the past can be a great place to learn from. The past offers us the opportunity to see glimpses of who we truly are in a variety of different situations. It does provide some opportunities to gain some valuable self wisdom.

But at the exact same time it takes some fortitude to not let the past dictate your future or even to let the past get in the way of living in the present. Simplistically, backward glancing can freeze you.

Freeze you stuck in the wretched middle of the past, present and future.

==============

“And Lot’s wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been.

 But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.  So she was turned to a pillar of salt.

So it goes.

People aren’t supposed to look back.  I’m certainly not going to do it anymore.”

Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

=================

In the end.

Here is what I believe most of us learn by looking backwards. Nothing very good. Why? Looking backwards it can seem quite easy to think everything would have explained itself if you had only stopped interrupting. Looking backwards it can be difficult to discern what you should miss and what you shouldn’t miss as well as what you actually missed and what you didn’t miss.

“Do you ever catch yourself missing the things that you shouldn’t?  The people you shouldn’t?  Do you find yourself wanting them back but you know that you shouldn’t?

You suddenly remember the million reasons that you shouldn’t want them back in your life but all you can focus on is the one reason you should take them back.”

—

i think that’s a hard lesson to learn. that it’s okay to miss something but not get it back

/// the-homie-sexual

 Unfortunately Life is not so easily explained. I can pretty much promise you one thing … you missed some things you shouldn’t have, you miss some things you shouldn’t and you didn’t miss some things you should have and you don’t miss some things which you should miss.

Back in 2013 I wrote about how most people either get trapped in past or trapped in the future as they live Life. I called it ‘forward without looking over your shoulder. Life is tricky. Always has been and always will. And both the past has its attractiveness <learning> as well as the future <possibilities>. And there is only balance and not perfection.

And maybe that is the thought of the day.

In the end if all we try is to make this life perfect we will fail and make ourselves miserable in the process. And backwards glancing is a key components to making ourselves miserable.

==============

“We are tossed about by external causes in many ways, and like waves driven by contrary winds, we waver and are unconscious of the issue and our fate.’

We think we are most ourselves when we are most passioate, whereas it is then we are most passive, caught in some ancestral torrent of impulse or feeling, and swept on to a precipitate reaction which meets only part of the situation because without thought only part of a situation can be perceived.”

―

Will Durant

====================

“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.

Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

—-

Golda Meir

============================

So.

This is about leadership & leading with an idea.

It would be an understatement to say that the number of ways a leader can lead are so numerous it would most likely take a book to explain them all <and people have certainly tried>. Trying to simplistically suggest “this is the way to lead” is simplistic tripe.

It would be an understatement to say that the number of ways a leader can articulate an idea for people to rally around and follow are so numerous it would most likely take a book to explain them all <and people have certainly tried>. Trying to simplistically suggest “this is the way to share ideas in a meaningful way” is  simplistic tripe.

That said. Today I will talk about leaders and ideas and articulating ideas. Let’s call it “the business idea” leadership challenge. For those of us who have had the fortune, or misfortune, of walking the halls of management in business we have all crossed paths with all the scary tactics and rhetoric associated with leaders who cannot articulate an idea if they actually tried <and most do try>. These are the leaders who do not really have the ability to articulate an idea well enough for the idea to gain traction and be implemented.

……………….. the idea ………………….

I sometimes believe what makes a good leader is the ability to articulate an idea so that <a> people can grasp it, <b> people can envision it as “something” tangible enough to want to hold it and <c> people can attach some emotional connection to it <ranging from ‘I believe’ to ‘passion’>. But many leaders just struggle with idea articulation and use a variety of tricks to present an idea in a way that encourages people to … well … believe in the idea.