=============

“On s’engage, et puis – on voit.”

<you commit yourself, and then – you see.>

–

Napoleon

=============

Commitment and patience and adaptation. I am fairly sure not a lot of business gurus put these three words together, however, the truth is the combination of these three ingredients is a powerful one.

Oddly it seems like not many of us learn this particular recipe.

First. How we engage. We tend to ‘commit’ one of two ways:

• tepidly. Oh. we claim 100% commitment but the majority of people are already investing in safety resources, redundancy protection and “what if” scenario making. In their words, their ‘commitment’ includes ‘committing to saving my ass’. We all do some aspects of this but we all need to recognize each ounce of energy on this is one less ounce of energy to whatever ‘commitment’ we have claimed to make.
• blinder commitment. Yeah. some people call this ‘focused commitment’, but that’s a nice way of saying ‘with blinders on’.

Second. We then tend to be less than patient. In fact I could suggest we are very often impatient in our engagement <but still committed to some plan>. I would suggest we often underestimate the value of doing nothing <and observing>. For some reason we attach ‘speed’ to engaging. That is a mistake. They are two distinctly different things.

Third. Adapting? Yikes. Paradoxically, if we do adapt, we would <in our eyes> bastardize the integrity of the structure of the commitment. Yes. For some reason many people see commitment in conflict with adapting. What this means is in most situations we are willing to stay the course with a plan … until the bitter end — “committed” in other words.

In business .many of us commit to a plan of action and believe staying the course creates the highest likelihood to succeed. And in our impatience we plow through opportunities to adapt. In other words, we don’t really ‘see’ … we just commit to a plan.

Now. To be clear. Napoleon also said “When you set out to take Vienna, take Vienna.”

I share that because the commitment wasn’t to the plan, but rather to the objective. And there is a massive difference. I sometimes believe in business <and Life too I imagine> we confuse this.

We commit and don’t see.

We commit and implement.

We commit to the means <the plan> and not the end <the objective>.

That said. Why?

Now <part 1>.

This may also be a reflection of a ‘cover your ass’ world we live in. What? If I do what I committed to do <the plan> and it doesn’t achieve the objective, well, “Ain’t my fault. I did what I was told to do” <or “I stuck to the plan everyone agreed was the best plan of action”>.

Conversely (the risk). As soon as you “see” <things just don’t seem to be going the way we planned> after you have made the initial commitment and adapt the plan, well … oops, you have assumed some responsibility. You are now accountable for not following the plan.

Now <part 2>.

You can always mitigate that responsibility by going back to the “all those who agreed it was the best plan” people and saying “here is what I see now that we have actually committed … and I think we should adapt in this way <to increase the likelihood we will achieve our objective commitment>”. The problem with this is timeliness. You miss the opportunity to make the change when it should be made. I will note that Napoleon was a master of adapting the original commitment within the proper window of ‘adapting opportunity.’

Gaining consensus on adapting <or a change to a plan> is a frickin’ bear. Let’s call it almost impossible. For sure we can call it ‘less than timely.’ Bottom line. Shirking responsibility <covering you ass> takes time.

Regardless. Risk analysis is simply part of business. Always has been and always will be. And it should be. Running a business without doing so is simply chaos; not running a business.

However.

Eliminating risk is impossible. Only mitigating risk is possible. And I could argue that not adapting after committing actually increases risk. That said. This is about attitude & not risk mitigation so I will say I wish in today’s business world we would spend less time building ‘the perfect plan’ and instead build ‘the best plan we can’ and commit … and see.

Look.

I opened with a Napoleon quote because Napoleon won a shitload of battles. He wasn’t perfect and his planning and plans were significantly less than perfect.

But the dude knew how to commit.

He knew how to engage when the window of opportunity existed.

He knew how to ‘see’ <adapt>.

He knew how to keep his eye on the bigger commitment <the objective … see Vienna … take Vienna>.

He didn’t confuse committing to a plan and committing to an objective. Frankly, I believe we get confused on this far too often in business <even at some senior levels>. In my mind more business leaders should be saying ‘let’s commit … and see.’ And not just saying the words, but walking the walk so the implementers do not feel as if the plan is something etched in stone.

Adapting is part art <seeing information, data, research and feedback as it is absorbed and ‘feeling’ its momentum & conclusions – remember: statistics can lie as well as people can> and part science <making sure you actually see the most relevant information & feedback>.

I will say that effective commitment, thoughtful patience and opportunistic adapting is not for the faint of heart. You may not need be a Napoleon, but you do need some of his attitude.

Just remember the prize.

To the bold comes the fruits of victory.

==

“There’s nothing like eavesdropping to show you that the world outside your head is different from the world inside your head.”

Thornton Wilder

————

Well. There are a couple of things to think about with this quote.

–      What we think is not always what everyone thinks

This sounds basic. But, boy oh boy, we forget this – all the frickin’ time. In fact not only do we forget it we actually do so while remembering it.

Huh? What do I mean?

Well, c’mon, how often have you sat there and said ‘no one has been thru what I have been thru and can understand this’ or ‘no one understands how I think’ and, yet, when we look around and assess what people are doing <and thinking> we sit back and go ‘whew, I bet they’re thinking this …’

It’s kind of crazy.

It’s kind of hypocritical.

Suffice it to say whether you think you are normal or think you are abnormal what is happening inside your head is very often different than what is happening in the outside world. In other words … it is very very likely what you think is not what everyone thinks.

Next.

–      We should listen more

In business, in personal life, does not matter; we should just listen <without preconceived filters> more often.

I am fairly sure that it was Henry Miller who said “the street howls with the truth.”

Smart man.

Listen to the howls.

So let me share some observations for business.

I am an avid trend watcher, people watcher and behavior studier. I listen by watching. People give you massive cues <clues?> as to what they are thinking and why they do the things they do. You just have to listen to the music of their Life and find the beat of their individual drum. I say that because far <far> too many business people say “we need to do consumer research and hear what people say.”

Well.

You may.

But you may not have to.

In fact. Even if you do the research, if you are not a good listener, every dollar you spend on that research is wasted.

Regardless. Listening isn’t just with your ears, it is also with your nose and eyes and all your feelings.

People’s lives talk.

You may not understand the language immediately, but if you listen closely … really closely … you will understand.

Why is it so hard? Why do you have to listen so closely?

==

“I do not think I’m easy to define. I have a wandering mind.

And I’m not anything that you think I am. “

Syd Barrett

==

People are not easy to define. Most people are difficult to ‘slot.’

Yup.

Sorry about that.

I feel especially sorry for the people who think they are good at assessing people. The majority of them are, well, not. At best they are simply good judges of their own bias.

Anyway. We desperately WANT to slot and segment and cluster people because it makes it easier for us. But as soon as you do you stop listening. Yeah. That bias filter thing again.

Shit.

All I really know is that we need to listen more. There is nothing better for you than eavesdropping on the world on occasion. Ponder.

——

“I had hoped to be disliked by most, not by way of rebellion, but by way of excellence, disdain for the habitual, and the common man’s inability to grasp this.

The act of being scorned?

I saw it as a victory, my irreverent boast against this world which could never fully quench me.”

Coco J. Ginger

——–

Well. I don’t know who Coco is, but this description on her blog is fabulous. And ‘my irreverent boast against this world which could never fully quench me’ may be one of the best thoughts I have read in years.

Regardless. While this is certainly a Life thought, her thought inevitably should resonate with thinkers, writers & bloggers everywhere.

Writers have to live with the words they write.

Once shared they can never be erased.

Thinkers have to live with the ideas they share.

Once shared they can never be replaced.

Why is that so important?

Well.

Couple of thoughts.

First. Most of us play it safe.

It isn’t really political correctness, or fear, it is simply because most of us are … well … common. That’s not any kind of criticism against anyone, it just simply ‘is.’ Most of us are pretty common in our beliefs and shared thoughts. What this means is that if any of us common people have a slightly uncommon thought, idea, or something to write it feels a bit unsafe. And it is (to us). That is not an indictment on any of us nor am I going to suggest the trite ‘step out of your comfort zone’ or any fortune cookie life wisdom. Living with something that can never be replaced should demand some thoughtfulness and if you elect to play it safe, it is your choice and not someone else’s.

Second. The passionate people, and people under stress I imagine, say things now that they regret later.

This happens a lot because we live in the moment and it is a reflection of how you feel in the moment.

And, you know what? … that is okay. Because we change moment to moment, circumstance to circumstance, and having the ability to articulate that moment is a gift. I would note that most of these people don’t say what they say to be rebellious they simply say it because they feel it at that moment. I would also note the great ones say it in a way that spans generations of moments.

Now. All that said.

Words, once inscribed, never change.

Sharing words that showing disdain for the habitual?

Sharing words that show irreverent boast against a world that can never fully quench me?

Personally, I often use “I have a lover’s quarrel with the world.” Compared to “a world that can never fully quench me” it sounds less than. It sounds combative rather than hopeful. I imagine it is a reflection of the fact I see the world as full but imperfect and I seek to change it. A world that cannot fully quench me is one that has no boundaries. She sees a horizon I cannot imagine but could only dream of.

I wish I had written this thought.

It is spectacular.

But I imagine I couldn’t.

For she also wrote this about herself:

—–

“I am torn open, unabridged, hot and a bit crazy inside.

This is the feeling which belongs to me, she has always been mine.”

Coco J. Ginger

—–

I chuckled. She is as Kerouac said “… the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time.”

We need people like this to stretch us all. We may dislike people like this because they make us feel a bit uncomfortable in their desire to remake a world in their vision, but these people have purposefully chosen a path that many of us not only didn’t choose to walk, but we also could not walk it. Yeah. I just said that. Some people have this dna and some do not. And that is okay. Just as I pointed out in ‘play it safe’, you make choices with regard to your own life, someone else does not.

If you would like to visit her blog, it is called Courting Madness.

Her poetry is interesting. Her writing has flashes of brilliance. And, for the most part, she is sparing with words but never sparing on thought. But, most importantly, she is one of those people who know words and ideas shared can never be replaced within a world which can never quench them.

====

“So the universe is not quite as you thought it was.


You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then. Because you certainly can’t rearrange the universe.”

Isaac Asimov

====

We talk about changing the world and ‘rocking the universe’ not only when young, but in discussions where we are thinking about maximizing our potential or maybe we do it simply to convince ourselves we can do something that matters.

In other words …

We have a plan.

Ok. Maybe its not a specific step-by-step plan, but we have a general schematic of a plan which showcases key lines and dimensions of what, where and how.

It is kind of a rough blueprint sketched out on a cocktail napkin.

Uhm.

But then some stranger randomly puts their drink on your napkin and the ink runs a little and there is an obnoxious ring cutting thru a key line or two. In other words, things get a bit fuzzy.

In other words, basically the universe you had planned against has conspired against you in a seemingly random way.

Yeah.

The universe is as it is. Despite all your wishes and dreams and desires to disturb or disrupt the universe you, well, you cannot. The universe arranges itself without consulting you or your plans.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have any control of what happens to you nor does it mean you shouldn’t attempt to shape things so you may achieve what you desire, it is just that sometimes you need to rearrange your beliefs.

Now. I write a shitload about maintaining you character and the core of who and what you are as well as maintaining a focus on the more important things <because a shitload of unimportant things are gonna be bright shiny objects that can easily distract you>.

To be clear. The universe is not something that is distracting; it is a consistently inconsistent environment in which distractions appear. Despite that, you need to stay the course of who & what you are and all the while rearranging some of your beliefs with regard to … well … what I will call ‘strategy & tactics.’

Simplistically, in my mind, you reside in this consistent inconsistent universe maintaining your individual ‘brand essence’ <distinctly different than personal branding> and grounded in a sense of purpose, i.e., what you want to contribute and maybe an idea of what matters to you, and rearranging your strategy & tactics to accommodate the universe.

This may sound intellectually challenging and mentally tiring and … well … a lot of work <when you were kind of hoping Life would be a little simpler>.

Well.

It is kind of tiring.

But that is kind of the price of living a full Life, well, okay, maybe at least some kind of ‘non-stagnant’ life.

I imagine everyone has a choice.

Try and stand still and weather the universe as it rearranges itself or attempt to move <forward, sideways, diagonally, or whatever direction you can  – because progress is not always ‘forward’>.

Most of us?

We just go on.

We step forward, backwards, diagonally and sideways, all with an eye on whatever version of progress we may have in our heads.

We do so because … well … what is the alternative?

====

“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you.  You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. “

Elizabeth Taylor

Anyway.

It is quite possible that the business of living is grounded in the thought of ‘rearranging your beliefs’ because the universe is certainly not going to rearrange its beliefs.

Ponder <but do some rearranging while doing so>.

=========

“Stop going to your #dark place.  The older you get, the more happiness becomes a conscious decision you have to make every day.

You can’t expect to automatically feel good when you wake up.  It’s something you have to work toward.”

Ryan O’Connell

=============

“The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get.”

Joanna Hoffman

=======================

So. When we get up in the morning it is a decision … it is a decision to not stay down.

In fact.

Every day you decide to get up you have either consciously, or subconsciously, decided that Life was not going to keep you down.

In the grander scheme of things that sure seems like a pretty important decision.

And, yet, we don’t invest a shitload of energy thinking about it.

Most of us think of facing each day as a responsibility.

Kind of a basic survival duty.

I imagine we do so mostly as a sanity tactic.

For if you stay down … don’t get up … you are inevitably faced with the decisions you have made up to that point <as well as the fact you will not be able to pay the bills>. And, to refer to my first quote, this means as you get older you have more and more decisions you will have to face.

Time is rarely your friend with regard to contemplating your decisions.

I say that because, well, because here is what almost 99% of us do on a daily basis — we decide what we will cede in terms of what we know, or believe, is the right thing to do.

Yeah.

We compromise a little on ‘principles.’ Well. At least our principles.

Sure.

Most of the time it is okay because the organizational, the business, principles give us some slightly-to-more-expansive boundaries from which we can assess what we should do or not do.

But even within that “okay space” we are far too often trapped in the wretched hollow space of a decision of ‘what will you surrender today for the hope of the win tomorrow’ <and the tomorrow may just be something somewhere beyond the horizon>.

Some may call this ‘moral relativism.’ They would most likely be the intellectuals, philosophers and people who don’t really do shit for work in their Life.

For most of us everyday schmucks it is a combination of survival “if I don’t do this I will not get that” and dreamer “I will go ahead and do this because someday………….<fill in blank> “

As we face each day we realize that we are facing more than that day. We realize our actions can suppress our ultimate dreams or they can empower a dream to come to Life, well, not today, but some day in the future.

Now.

None of us really know our future and what it holds so the decision today takes on some sense of urgency of ‘well, this MAY be really fucking important with regard to my survival/dream so I gotta do what I gotta do.’

Whew.

Today can look really huge with regard to tomorrow in this case.

I chuckled <a little painfully> as I typed that last sentence.

I am reminded of what President Bush said in 2008: “abandoned free market principles to save the free market.”

On a daily basis we are faced with questions of “what we will abandon to save our future & our dreams.”

And we do what we feel like we have to do, using principles mostly not as a “stop or go” sign, but rather as some slightly nebulous guardrails we can maneuver around within.

And then we leave to face another day.

When taken on a daily basis it is relatively easy to face the day.

When viewed over a longer term it can become relatively difficult to face the next day.  Maybe that is why most of us get up and face the day each & every day – the alternative doesn’t seem so appealing. Maybe that is the ‘dark place’ that we know is there and avoid it the best that we can.

Here is what I know for sure.

Every day you face you have one authority — the authority over your actions and attitudes and behaviors.

You have the authority over what you will do and will not do.

You have the authority over your principles and morals and whether you will abandon them or not.

Uhm.

You should note one key thing on the whole abandoning thing.

Once abandoned is always abandoned.

There is no true ‘just this once’ abandoning of principles. Once crumpled principles are forever wrinkled.

And, yet, it seems like each day we are faced with some choice to surrender our moral authority and cede the principled battlefield under the belief that by doing so “the day will be saved.”

How wrong that thought is. For in surrendering that day we will have already been lost.

Anyway.

Maybe getting up every day has nothing to do with moral relativism and more about just doing the shit you need to do.

Maybe we really are just cucumbers with anxiety.

But.

Maybe it is a little something more we should think about on occasion. Because maybe we are really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get and in our terror as we face each day we lose the one thing which makes our dreams look small – our moral authority & principles.

Ponder.

====

“It’s not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren’t doing it.”

Terry Pratchett

——-

In business … trust me on this … if you do something worth doing I can almost guarantee that someone will not only much rather you were not doing it, they will most likely be quite vocal in telling other people you shouldn’t be doing it.

Why?

Mostly because if it is worth doing it is going to:

<a> go against the status quo or against the grain

,or,

<b> will force some version and degree of change

, or,

<c> make people ‘do something.’

Regardless. Suffice it to say. Inertia is seductive.

Shit.

Status quo is seductive.

Shit.

Not changing is … well … easier.

Fighting all of that stagnancy is … well … a sense of progress. In business once things are moving and even a glimpse of progress is in view <or even the hope of some progress at some point> anything else worth doing doesn’t seem as attractive to a lot of people. Yes. That includes, inertia, status quo & not changing.

I am not suggesting everything you do will be truly meaningful and even if it is meaningful it will, or should, create angst among people. To be sure many, if not most, things you do in everyday business simply is to keep the engine running. And don’t fool yourself into believing these things are not important because they are.

But some things, maybe the most worthy things, THOSE things I can guarantee that someone would rather you not do them. I imagine my real point is that in business you often know you are doing something right, or something meaningful, when someone somewhere would rather you not be doing it.

I will also suggest that being able to discern what is worthy and what is not is not easy. Sometimes you can tell and sometimes you need someone else to tell. And, yet, ‘someone else’ will not always be able to tell … nor always be right.

Oh.

And you may not be able to tell or be right.

Shit.

Doing something worth something is tough.

But.

That said.

Here is all I really know.

If you actually do something worth doing <whether you can tell it is worthy or not> someone, somewhere, would much rather you not doing it.

=====

author’s note:

it seemed right to solely use Hugh McLeod Gaping Void cartoons with this Terry Pratchett thought and business thinking. I highly recommend any of Hugh’s books and using, and crediting, any of his illustrations.

====

“It is pretty to be in love. It’s magical, I’m sure. But it’s also wonderful to stop for ice cream in your prom dress with six other girls. It’s also wonderful to go visit the world with nothing but a bunch of buddies who are really excited about learning. The problem is: we’ve made everything about “the one”.

But maybe “the one” is just you, loving yourself, having fun, and being happy. Maybe instead of looking for our other halves, we should be piecing ourselves together.

Maybe I wasn’t born unfinished. Maybe I am the one who makes myself better.”

===

This piece today isn’t about love, it about:

“maybe I wasn’t born unfinished”

When I read that line I stopped. Reread it. And challenged almost everything I have ever written and said about self and sense of self.

I love the thought.

I do think far far too often we find ourselves through others. It is kind of natural because comparisons tend to offer some outlines. It’s not that we shouldn’t look around us and find things we like, and dislike, and assess, but emulate? Yikes. I hesitate. At least a little.

I would much rather we see, think and assess and rather than simply emulate we evaluate who and what we are already. Maybe use the external to invigorate and energize the internal.

And maybe I suggest this because far far too often we think we are a reflection of our experiences rather than a reflection of who we are simply coming to life.

Is this a chicken or egg discussion? Maybe. But in one aspect you can suggest you are built by the external and in another aspect you can be suggesting you are simply blooming as you weather life.

Semantics? Sure. But an important one in my eyes.

Look.

I don’t want this to sound like it is an either or discussion. But I do love the thought of believing you are not born unfinished. I love the thought that everything you need resides within and all you need to do is figure out how to let it out, and shine, and grow.   It is kind of like the latin thought of “luctor et emergo” <I struggle and emerge>.

I do love the thought that maybe it is not who you are that could hold you back from what you could be ,but more often than not the challenge is who you think you are not. Ponder that for a second or two.

I say that because if you focus on the ‘think’ aspect you end up seeking external to validate, or as a corollary the external invalidates <voids, annuls>, that which resides within you and who you are.

That is a very very dangerous Life game.

It is dangerous because instead of piecing yourself together you steal or borrow pieces from others to shape yourself and you become, well, a Frankenstein <maybe not that bad but you get the point>. Or maybe you end up sacrificing parts of yourself to please the external.

All that said. I am sure the reality of a healthy self is somewhere in between. Sometimes uncovering that which exists within and sometimes finding a piece you see and borrowing it as you piece yourself together <although I could argue that any piece you see, and borrow, more often than not is something you already have within and that external piece simply brought your own finished, but unseen, piece to the forefront>.

Anyway.

I am a huge hope guy. I believe the biggest hope of all is the one we all carry within us, a hope we are born with, the one which is a hope to be the best person we can be.

====

“I hoped for nothing. And yet I lived in expectation.”

Stanislaw Lem

====

It is a hope of all that can be and, yet, ‘nothing’ in that it has yet to be.

It is a hopeful contradiction — to live in expectation of something and yet tempered with aspects of nothing. I love the hope found in the thought of being born finished and we don’t need others to piece us together and that each of us is strong enough, and born good enough. The thought that all we have is within us.

I certainly believe, and know, Life is significantly better not lived alone. But what an incredibly empowering thought … “maybe I wasn’t born unfinished and I am the one who makes me better.”

But maybe “the one” is just you.

What a fucking beautiful thought.

I wish I had written it.

“The apple never falls far from the tree.”

How often do we hear this as an explanation for why someone is, or does, as they are?

My quote?

“It doesn’t matter how far the apple falls from the tree it only matters where it lands.”

We spend a lot of time trying to explain why someone is like they are. The most common explanation we toss out is “the apple never falls far from the tree.” Well. This is partially true and partially not. its mostly not true because we view this thought in a very simplistic ways, i.e., parents/father/mother. What is true is that people, individuals, are victims or products of the systems they exist and behave within. What I mean by that is the family, or parents, is just one system. Friends, school, church, community, are other systems which connect and intersect with each other all shaping who you are and become.

I say all that because while we often point to parents as the major influencer with regard to how kids ‘turn out’ or their behavior later in life there are some very interesting research studies out there that suggest a kid’s peer group is a stronger influence on their future behavior.

“… how the parents rear the child has no long term effects on the child’s personality, intelligence or mental health.”

“The Decision Book” page 46 “Why Parents are Unimportant” model

That will drive some parents a little crazy <and give another smaller percentage a built-in excuse for the crappy job they may already be doing with regard to bringing up their kids>. That said. The belief ‘apple not falling far from the tree’ was driven by behaviorists’ belief that parents influence their children’s development by the rewards and punishments they dole out, and the Freudians’ belief that parents can mess up their children very badly and often do so.

That was ‘behaviorist beliefs.’

No real studies or research.

Just a bunch of published ‘here is what I believe’ mumbo jumbo which then quickly shifted into some ‘common sense’ that everyone took for granted.

In 1955 psychologist Judith Rich Harris attacked this belief.

To be clear. There is no question that the adult caregivers play an important role in the baby’s life. It is from them babies learn their first language, have their first experiences in forming and maintaining relationships and get their first lessons in following rules.

But the extent our personalities are shaped by our upbringing had never really been examined and, specifically, whether children elicit particular behavior in their parents and not vice versa.

Harris contradicted the Freudian based behaviorists and development psychologists by suggesting we modify our behavior depending on the environment we are in.

Yeah. Context matters. Yeah. Systems encourage behavior the system encourages. Yeah. Children are shaped not by their parents, but by the peer group in which they are socialized. Yeah. Being within a system shapes mindsets, attitudes, behaviors and, well, who we are.

Harris poses that in home learning certainly sets the pattern for what is to follow, but that the actual content of what children learn may be irrelevant to the world outside their home. The truth is many young people shed the in-home system as soon as they enter into another system <or keep some aspects and shed others>.

The evidence developmental psychologists use to support the nurture assumption is not what it appears to be: it does not prove what it appears to prove. And there is a rising tide of evidence against the nurture assumption.

The nurture assumption is not a truism; it is not even a universally acknowledged truth. It is a product of our culture–a cherished cultural myth.

No one questions it because it seems self-evident. The two things that determine what sort of people your children will turn out to be are nature–their genes–and nurture–the way you bring them up. That is what you believe and it also happens to be what the professor of psychology believes. A happy coincidence that is not to be taken for granted, because in most sciences the expert thinks one thing and the ordinary citizen–the one who used to be called “the man on the street”–thinks something else. But on this the professor and the person ahead of you on the checkout line agree: nature and nurture rule. Nature gives parents a baby; the end result depends on how they nurture it. Good nurturing can make up for many of nature’s mistakes; lack of nurturing can trash nature’s best efforts.

That is what I used to think too, before I changed my mind.

What I changed my mind about was nurture, not environment. It isn’t all about genetics. The environment is just as important as the genes. The things children experience while they are growing up are just as important as the things they are born with. What I changed my mind about was whether “nurture” is really a synonym for “environment.”

By the way.

This doesn’t mean that a parent doesn’t influence a child’s ‘end adult space.’ They can place children in social environments and initiate a variety of actions that could impact final sociological behavior, in other words, purposefully push or encourage children to interact within “accepted systems”. But social systems are difficult to control and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see how children speak the dialect of their peer groups and assume attitudes/behaviors of their peer group <varying from group behavior to individual style>.

Before I get to my main point today let me make sure you don’t think this is sheer bullhockey <baloney, absurd, whatever>.

Reflecting on parenting is difficult.

Experiences in life appear very good when we remember or anticipate them, but quite ordinary or downright bad in the moment. I say this because when you think about parenting most people will suggest it was a challenging, but fairly positive life adventure.

Parents often look back on their attempts at steering their children toward social responsibility and a career or looking at their youth as a life filled with unconditional <sometimes tough> love and a list of shared moments. But the truth is most of the day-to-day tasks of child rearing are mind numbingly mundane at best and harrowing at its worst.

Well. That was certainly jaded, but you get the point. As with most things in Life the majority of parenting is a grind and in our reflective memory we find the reasons why it was all worthwhile, but in doing so we judge <or misjudge> that system within which the young person existed.

*** note: this is Daniel Kahneman’s “experienced memory” versus “remembered memory”

What is neglected are the systems, the numerous moments and interactions a child spends outside the parents’ auspices within other systems all the while assimilating learnings, experiences, mindsets, attitudes & behaviors.

But here is my larger point.

I did not write this to suggest that parents have no responsibility nor to suggest that they certainly cannot influence how their children will turn out as adults, but rather to point out systems exist within systems and each of the systems can affect our mindsets, attitudes and behaviors. There is certainly a bunch of research that actually suggests poor parenting drives children deeper into their peer group <socialized life learning> for behavioral cues, but the larger narrative is that a poor system does NOT necessarily create bad behavior but instead it can cause someone to reject that system and seek out an alternative. This is important because if everything is interconnected and you can ‘system hop’, explaining people or defining people can be really difficult.

That last thought isn’t just important to parents, but to businesses, ‘culture’ people, organizational design, social dynamics and strategists.

Maybe we should be thinking a bit more about who someone hangs out with – as a choice.

Maybe we should be thinking a lot less about “the apple never falls far from the tree” and think a lot more about where the frickin’ apple falls instead.

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“The life so short, the craft so long to learn.”

Hippocrates

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“Ninety percent of paid work is time-wasting crap. The world gets by on the other ten.”

John Derbyshire

We Are Doomed: Reclaiming Conservative Pessimism

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How many times have we sat back and said “I can do that job”?

Now. To be clear. I am going to talk about this from a business-to-business perspective and not the corner of the bar-to-‘some job’ perspective because from the corner of the bar, after a couple of beers, any of us can do any job better than the person who is currently doing it.

This is an “I have been in the workplace, I feel like I have had some success and … well … shit … I can do that job” perspective.

OK. I am chuckling a little, c’mon, let’s face it, I don’t care who you are and where you have worked, you have eyed what another person is doing and thought you could do it. At some point, if you have had some success, all jobs start having some commodity-like characteristics which tease you into believing shifting from one to another just isn’t that difficult.

Ok. To be fair. I have never lacked in business confidence. I do not believe there is a business problem that cannot be solved and I also believe <with some realistic pragmatic goggles on> that there is not a problem I cannot solve if I hunker down and get all the information I need. This can make me aggravating to work with on occasion because, well, I make no apologies for “how I may repair things”.

But that shouldn’t be confused with believing I can do any job.

Ok.

Yeah.

I admit.

I am certainly guilty at points in my career where I have certainly thought “I could do that job” over a wide array of responsibilities and unrelated industries.

** Note. I rarely thought I could do it better … just that I could do it.

……….. my MBA at Wake Forest experience ………..

I would say that my MBA experience, a great experience with great professors at Wake Forest, encouraged me to think this way. It was a case study program which inherently encouraged thinking skills over black & white discipline skills. I tend to believe a good MBA program insures you know enough about a specific discipline to be dangerous if you overestimate your own knowledge, but effective enough to be able to understand the discipline to apply it in a general management scope.

Now.

In general, I think this attitude, on the positive side, permits you to make the leaps you have to make to jump into new jobs, new responsibilities and new positions.

In general, I think this attitude, on the negative side, can make you overlook some skills other people have as well as … at its worst … can put you in positions in which you will fail in a spectacular fashion.

I imagine as someone gets promoted, as I did, every step up showed me that there was a shitload I didn’t know overall, as well as about the responsibilities of a specific job, but at the same time it also continuously reinforced that I could “do that job.”

Success in business is a double edged sword.

Conversely.

………. what you know versus what you do not know ………

As someone gets promoted they also can see that some people got their jobs not because they necessarily had the experience or skills for the job, but simply because they had the appearance they could do the job.

You watched as these people invested gobs of energy trying to “fake it until they actually make it” or, worse, they realized they were in over their heads and invested even more energy simply maintaining a facade of bullshit to hide their hollowness.

I would also note that given your experience on the last thing I just shared that also encourages someone to believe they could, well, “do that job.”

The higher I got and the broader my experiences, my sense of “I cannot really do that job” increased with regard toward the jobs I really shouldn’t do. It didn’t diminish my sense of ability to handle increased responsibility, it simply made me more reflective of other skill sets and the reality of certain jobs.

To be clear. There is a certain group of people who never reach this realization. They tend to be either sociopaths or oblivious narcissists, but they do exist.

Anyway. My real realization on this topic came when I reached a general management position <and did some consulting>.

It was there that I recognized jobs are like icebergs. 90% of a job you never see until you actually do the job. And to successfully do the part you don’t see needs a couple of things beyond the obvious ‘I need to be competent with regard to the specific skill itself’ aspect:

Attitude alignment

source: Tom Graves, Services and Disservices

This attitude goes way beyond the simplistic “I can do the job.” This attitude is more with regard to what you are actually good at.

As I have stated before I am more a renovator than a builder.  That is a mindset. My attitude is just put me in a room with all the puzzle pieces and I can rearrange them, maybe polish off a couple, maybe smooth out some edges that no longer fit well and put a different puzzle together that works better than the one that exists.

And then there are people who say ‘I envision a puzzle and build the pieces.”

Those are two different attitudes that, certainly, have some overlap but also, certainly, drive a different type of style and ability to succeed in one type of job versus another type of job. I believe many people are successful in their jobs, and new jobs, because they have the proper insight into themselves and position themselves well to take advantage of this insight.

I would also add that a leader who can see within a person’s ‘skill set’ to recognize this attitude will also be the type who can hire incredibly effectively. Not all leaders and hirers can. Some simply see the façade and surface abilities and believe they are easily transferable and hire them believing anyone can do the job if they have that appearance of a type of surface skill set.

The less-than-obvious skill set

… example of under the radar understanding (Juran Institute) …

Each skill, each specialty, has layers to its depth & breadth. Let’s say this is the “art” of the skill <I sometimes refer to it as “the shadow of your skill”>.

When you are a junior person you are demanded day in and day out to craft your pragmatic ‘non-artistic’ skills. You learn how to screw screws into holes efficiently and hammer nails into their proper places effectively.

As you gain seniority you are demanded to start incorporating the art aspects of your craft. I like to explain this as you have to learn to be more of an architect of your department, skill and specialty. By the way, not everyone can do his and not every department head is good at this and it tends to start filtering out those who move on to the next level … general management.

And if you move up even more into general management you are demanded to gain some skills in the “art” of combining all the skills into the overall progress of a company beyond the simplistic “are each department doing their fricking job.”

Ponder this.

In general the biggest difference between thinking you can do a job and actually being able to do the job is your less than obvious skill set. For example … I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in a conference room with a CFO who has displayed a skill set that made me think “shit, this company is lucky to have them” not because they knew all the accounting mumbo jumbo, but because they knew how to wield account skills in ways that  the company benefited beyond accounting.

Pick your C-level title and I would say the same thing.

At the corner of the bar you have no clue whether you have this ‘less than obvious skill set’ and if you actually have the experience you may only have a sense of whether this skill set exists. This is an intangible, however, 90% of the time this intangible arises from some relevant experience <maybe not within that specific discipline but a discipline nonetheless> … so your experience does matter.

So.

I decided to write about this today because, frankly, as a business guy I know you cannot do a job simply because you say “I can do that job” and that experience really does matter and that simply because you believe something … <sigh> … does not make it so.

I will say that I have learned this lesson the hard way and it permits me to be able to call a bullshitter a bullshitter and to be able to point out that some roles & responsibilities dictate at least some relevant experience in order to be effective & efficient. Just because you think you can “do that job” does not mean you can actually “do that job.” It takes some self-awareness to know that.

The lack of self-awareness has a ripple effect.

In a bar your lack of self-awareness can create a range of responses – some chuckles, out right laughter of disbelief and maybe even some aggravation if it inches into what some of the people actually do sitting at the table.

In a business your lack of self-awareness can create some real business repercussions. Not only may you be out of your depth, but you may actually start making some poor hires who are also out of their depth and that kind of shit gathers negative momentum <down the slippery slope of less-than-competent results>.

In business you get fired for that shit.

In business that kind of shit gets the entire business in trouble.

Anyway. Not everyone can do a job. That’s the message of the day.

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“They can betray me, but I choose not to betray my peace of mind.”

Dodinsky

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I can honestly say I have never been betrayed by anyone.

Well.     Okay.     Maybe.

Sure.

Some people have disappointed me in their choices & actions … but … either I have never done anything bad enough that was worth being betrayed for <… uhm … I am fairly sure I have some betrayable items I have done strewn throughout my past so that’s not it> or I haven’t considered what someone has done as ‘betrayal’ or worthy enough to be truly deemed “betrayal worthy.”

Now.

It is quite possible I define betrayal differently than a lot of other people.

Because <part 1> I would guess I could go back to high school and examine some ‘friendship betrayal’ thing … which … well … in viewing as an adult would probably look fairly absurd <even though it may have felt like betrayal at the time>.

Because <part 2> I imagine I could examine some past relationship and assess “betrayal” upon it … which … well … in viewing honestly & realistically was simply an act within a relationship that wasn’t what it was cracked up to be anyway <and inevitably doomed regardless>.

Because <part 3> maybe I refuse to hold a grudge, if even for a short amount of time, because someone has disappointed me.

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    “I’m all about unforgiving and hating and holding grudges because it keeps me safe and mentally healthy and I don’t care about your stupid feel-good quotes about forgiving everyone everywhere always so you can take your feel-good emotionally manipulative apologist bullshit and shove it”

(via sailingaugust)

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This isn’t because I believe in any of the stupid feel good quotes <because I have gone on record publicly on my blog that I believe it is mostly bullshit>.

This isn’t because I believe in any feel good emotionally manipulative apologist bullshit <also have gone on record publicly about this>.

It is because … well … people are people, people are human, and there are two sides to any story.

Here is what I know for sure.

If you give anyone ample opportunity they will sometimes disappoint you.

If you give anyone ample opportunity they will sometimes surprise you.

Suffice it to say people, in your Life, are no better or any worse than people somewhere in someone else’s life.

And, to me, betrayal is tossed around far too flippantly.

People are not monsters nor do they constantly seek to disappoint or ‘betray.’

I could argue that if you stopped for just one second, and maybe think about the fact that each and every one of those same people you are disappointed in are all heroes in their own story – a story that they write every day – well, it’s kind of hard to attach “betray” on someone unless you are pretty selfish.

Selfish in that your story is more important than their story.

And, yet, we all see betrayal come to Life in a variety of ways dependent upon our age and where we are in life.

High school in friends we trusted.

Business in coworkers we trusted.

Relationships in partners we trusted.

Betrayal, in almost all forms or fashion, seems to reside in some unstated contract – a contract with Life.

Think about it. Almost everyone wakes up every day with a contract with the day in front of them. The contract consists of being concerned about their own drama Life and their own ‘things’ rather than whether they should become involved, or not involved, in anything else.

Does that make them someone a betrayer because in doing so they disappoint you?

Well.

Yes and no.

Yes in that people do have contracts with other people. It is not solely an “I” world.

And, yet, no. No in that even at their worst of worst “I” behavior even the monsters don’t see monsters reflected in the mirror.

I try and remember all of that every day.

In my mind betrayal is inevitably a very personal thing. Personal in that it is about having a piece of you either broken or sliced away.

Yeah. It can sting a little.

But it is just a piece and the piece does not define the whole.

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“I decided, enough pain …. I was not the woman who breaks into pieces under the blows of abandonment and absence, who goes mad, who dies.

Only a few fragments had splintered off, for the rest I was well. I was whole, whole I would remain. To those who hurt me, I react giving back in kind.

I am the queen of spades, I am the wasp that stings, I am the dark serpent. I am the invulnerable animal who passes through fire and is not burned.”

Elena Ferrante

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Yeah.

Maybe someone has betrayed me at some point in my Life.

Maybe I would see it as such if I viewed it as many people would traditionally view betrayed and betrayal.

But maybe people would be better served by viewing betrayal as I do because, well, let me go back to where I began and my 1^st sentence: I can honestly say I have never been betrayed by anyone.

That is my peace of mind.

I have passed through any and all fires of betrayal and not been burned.

Sure seems like a shitload of people would be happier in Life if they could say that.

But that’s me.

Ponder.