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Q: Who hurt you?

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    A:     My expectations

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“I’ve survived a lot of things, and I’ll probably survive this.”

—–

J.D. Salinger

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So.

Seek and you will find may be one of the most misleading sayings of all time.

<I say this with apologies to Matthew who said in the bible … “ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” … in other words .. God can always be found, but must be sought out>

Except for faith, seeking doesn’t guarantee you will find shit. That is not to say there isn’t beauty in the seeking. Seeking is actually like a free ticket on a rollercoaster ride of thoughts. Every day you step onto the rollercoaster where it is an entirely new ride with an entirely new thrill with new heights and ups, downs, overs and unders. Whether you consider this a thrill or not <or simply ‘angst’> you also encounter the thrill of losing, finding, uncovering, discovering as well as expectations met and unmet. Yet, I would like to note, 99.999% of the time you survive the rollercoaster and get up the next day and get on again.

Seeking, in and of itself, can be maddeningly exhilarating and disappointing.

I have always believed you should not only surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but you should also surround yourself with dreams and doing and believing and thinking. But, as a seeker myself, suffice it to say, I have screwed myself over many more times than anyone else ever has or will <if I were to judge myself on the ‘find’ aspect>. I try and find some solace in the discovery scientific research suggests that seeking something actually more often translates into not finding.

Holy shit.That sucks.

This means the more we search for something, the more likely we are to NOT find it. No wonder ‘seek and you shall find’ is a bullshit piece of advice. This actually means seeking, in some form or fashion, may stand in the way of our discovering the truth <ponder that for a second>.

Why could that be? Well. Seeking has some goal in mind. Seeking has something it wants to find. But maybe most importantly … seeking is more often than not rooted in some expectations. And these expectations create some tensions which inevitably hurt you <although they are mostly survivable>. Life typically creates several bars of expectations we all have to navigate as we seek not only answers but being the best version of ourselves.

There are societal expectations. These are most usually absurdly high expectations of which few actually attain. And even if attainable are not attainable on any consistent basis. Therefore, even if you do attain it most likely is a brief glimpse of ‘meeting some absurd expectation which makes me feel fucking great if but only for a moment or two.’

There are personal expectations. Surprisingly these are actually more realistic expectations. Most of us know who and what we are and, in general, know what we are capable of. We set some expectations which are ‘high’ <because we all like to reach and grow and be better tomorrow than we are today> but they are not as absurdly high as the societal expectations. The good news? We attain these on occasion. And we feel pretty good about it <assuming we ignore the absurd societal expectations … and people permit us to ignore the societal expectations>.

There are, well, reality expectations. Reality is reality. Reality ignores what you wish and what you want and simply says “in this time & place this is what is attainable.” Basically reality doesn’t give a shit about what you want or how you set your expectations or even acknowledges any society bullshit … it just is what it is.

By the way we far too often ignore this last one.

Regardless. Expectations are a real sonuvabitch. But if you agree with what I just wrote they are a multi dimensional sonuvabitch. Trying to align these three things in your head is really difficult. Your brain ends up in a weird three way tug of war where truly the only thing that happens is it hurts.

Look.

I am a seeker. I seek information and knowledge and learning in an insatiable quest for more. And maybe because my greater expectation resides solely in ‘more’ I really am not hurt that often in any expectation game. What I mean by that is ‘see and you shall find’ implies … well … some destination … some specific ‘thing to be found.’ With ‘more’ as my destination … well … I have no specific destination.

Aw, shit, what a bunch of philosophical mumbo jumbo bullshit that looks like when I reread it.

Let’s just say expectations are a sonuvabitch. Period. Expectations most likely create more personal pain & angst than anything I can think of off the type of my head. That said. Expectations, most often, are survivable.

Aw shit, what do I know?

Well. Probably not much more tan what I have shared. But I would suggest that in the end your soul, the essence of your character and who and what you are, has the ability to see the subtle beautiful triumphs over expectations that the eyes often miss. So maybe close your eyes on occasion … maybe then you will see how what you simply saw as ‘survive’ was actually a triumph over expectations.

Please note … that is a good thing.

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“Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly.

It’s your masterpiece after all.”

Nathan W. Morris

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“We should always bear in mind that numbers represent a simplification of reality.”

—-

Kenneth E. Boulding

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So.

This is the partner piece to “Numbers are losing their Mojo.”

It is the partner piece because, while numbers are losing their mojo, more and more people in business are substituting data for traditional numbers and want data to make their decision for them.

Yes. I could point to the overwhelming amount of data <numbers> now being cranked out as the reason why this issue is reaching a business crisis level but I will not. The truth is that all big data does is amplify the situation – more and more business people suck at making decisions, suck at assuming personal responsibility for decisions and suck at thinking thru the true meaning of the numbers available to them <as a version of what I said yesterday — suck at seeing the real shadows of the numbers>.

Just as the fact we need to get our shit together with regard to telling the stories that numbers truly tell us <rather than do shit guided by ‘instinct’ and ‘what we feel’> we need to get our shit together with regard to how we use numbers & data to INFORM decisions and not MAKE decisions.

(note: this argument used to be “research should be used to INFORM decisions and not MAKE decisions”)

This discussion gains importance because in today’s world it isn’t just ‘big data’ but it is analyzing research, spreadsheets, hell, just the sheer # of everyday numbers that overwhelm you in the everyday standard operating procedures in business.

We need to be teaching that not all 2’s are created equal <not all numbers are created equal> and that even though a number may be big, or even small, just counting it doesn’t mean it counts. We need to be teaching young business people that what counts is what the numbers say … as in ‘what do they express’.

Here is the truth about numbers.

Numbers, data & research more often than not, are simply directional signs toward truth … but rarely do they tell the truth in their simplicity. Okay. They rarely tell the whole truth. And they never are a substitute for judgement.

I sometimes fear on occasion we are crafting a generation of business people who view numbers as the answer for everything.

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“I notice increasing reluctance on the part of marketing executives to use judgment; they are coming to rely too much on research, and they use it as a drunkard uses a lamp post for support, rather than for illumination.”  

David Ogilvy

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To be fair, this is not the younger generation’s problem, it is more a leadership & management issue.

We absolutely have reached a point in business, in particular within organizations of any critical size, where risk is a swear word. And even if you take the risk you are putting your job on the line. With all that hanging over heads you do grab onto a lamp post whenever you can spot one.

And, let’s face it; numbers are strewn throughout whatever street you decide to walk upon so, if needed, one is always available to show to explain your decision.

It is up to older managers to teach the nuances and how to use numbers to inform the final judgements.

But it is quite possible we could live with this if this is all that was happening.

The other thing that should strike fear into the hearts of businesses is how older managers, overwhelmed with all the ‘big data’ available and younger people  who easily rummage through all the data available combine to, with mostly good intentions, seek numbers to find out what to do next.

They do not translate what the numbers mean but use actual numbers as directional signs on where to go next.

This is dangerous.

Now. Someone will say “no, it is not dangerous, as long as you know the objective.”  ”Wrong” is what I would say back. For them to be right they have to assume that the best path toward the objective is the straightest line possible.

Well.

If I am a commodity product or service or maybe even the lowest price product or service <and, remember, there can only be one lowest price in any category> this could possibly be true, however, if “value” enters into any discussion with regard to what you are doing or what you are selling … the straightest path may not be what you want … or need.

To be clear. What I just typed … what I just shared … rarely is discussed in today’s business world. Why? Well … first … anything that suggests “not fast” or “not optimal speed” suggests ‘less than efficient’ which in today’s world is “bad.”

<or “sad”>

Second … to discuss value in this way sounds … uhm … complex or complicated … and if there are two words that could be construed as swear words in today’s business world it would be those two. simplicity, at the expense of anything and everything else, is the go-to place for a shitload of business people and , in particular, business people who would like numbers to tell them what to do.

Anyway. Once I suggested numbers are losing their mojo. Today I am suggesting business people may not be using numbers & data in the most effective way <to maximize the benefit of the organization, product or service>.

And tomorrow I will not be writing about numbers but I can tell ya that numbers will still be misused and misdiscussed.

And we better figure that out soon or businesses are gonna get screwed.

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Originally published February 2016

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I finished by saying that it struck me that all the ethical systems I was discussing were after the fact.

That is, that people act as they are disposed to, but they like to feel afterwards that they were right and so they invent systems that approve of their dispositions.”

—–

Alexei Panshin

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“Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.”

–

Richelle E. Goodrich

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Delighting the customer. Creating ‘happy moments.’ In the grander discussion of creating positive experiences in business, usually part of some misguided customer centric thinking, we seem to gravitate toward “special moments” in which we elevate the appropriate people’s happiness to a level in which they can actually recognize whatever happened was good.

We forget happiness is actually a Life formula in that we tend to make Life a zero sum game in experiential moments over the long haul. In other words. We naturally temper our happiness highs and seek to do things to actively fill up any emptiness a ad moment may have created.

This formula leads me to the post-happiness event let down. Someone once called this “happiness hangovers.”

I imagine any of us in the business world have felt this after a big meeting or some big trade show or some big thing we have prepared for and had some element of ‘showtime.’

That’s the same kind of funk we fall into after a holiday.

There are a couple of reasons this happens. One scientific and one mental.

Science.

The dopamine let down. Scientifically we juice ourselves up with dopamine in order to ‘meet the moment.’ Think of this as the feeling you get every time the email notification on your phone goes off… but every 15 seconds for almost 12 hours straight. Each ‘email has arrived’ notification sends a quick dose of dopamine to the brain, we get jolted <love the high> and then immediately receive another. When we are focused on this specific goal we get the rush of dopamine flowing through our brain and once the goal is achieved your body naturally reduces the levels of dopamine.

The body re-balances itself.

The dopamine high goes from high then to low. Eventually it re-calibrates to something finally normal <assuming there is something normal>.

Bottom line result? We feel bummed. We feel drained. That is the happiness let down scientifically.

Mental.

The positive feelings let down. According to psychologist Gary Stollak, psychology professor, most people have a “happiness set point.” Let’s call that a “5” on the self happiness meter.

Therefore when we get up for something and it concludes satisfactorily we rise to a high. Our happiness meter goes to 10 <maybe 11 if you are a Spinal Tap fan>.

Unfortunately your happiness meter balances out. That is partially why your happiest highs are often followed by depressed lows. The worst part of this aspect is what we fill the empty space, where that happiness used to hang out in & has now exited <the 11 to 2 gap>, with. We fill it with doubts, questions, regrets, what ifs, whatever else we could add in that diminishes the true happiness and high. Mentally it’s almost like we cannot accept the happiness was so good, so high, so as soon a the high itself is over we begin to look for imperfections & flaws with which to suggest “well, maybe it wasn’t that high.”

Bottom line result? We go high, we go low and, hopefully, normalize. That is the mental happiness let down.

Regardless.

My point in business and creating positive experiences is that it is impossible to always be high therefore there will inevitably be a low and you should seek to reset, or resettle, as quickly as possible. Effective resetting maximizes the feelings of the high and minimizes the low experiences.

This is hard because highs are, well, high and the aftermath is so anti-climactic versus the moment itself we tend to try and fill the space with stuff associated with the event trying to drag it out for as long as we can in order to put off the bad stuff I already pointed out.

For example, Christmas?

Leave the tree up.

Leave the lights up.

Maybe still play the music.

For example, Business?

Retell the highlight moments.

Replay portions & parts of the high.

Gather similar experiences <and even people> to relive aspects (shared experience).

While this happiness extension may seem like you are going backwards the intent is 2 things:

1. Its sole purpose is to alleviate happiness let down. Nothing more. Nothing less.
2. It is a purposeful attempt to address the fact we continuously try to invent things that approve of their dispositions. We hate to let it go even though our body is telling us we should. This usually occurs with the last lasting experience, therefore, the letdown. And maybe that is what hurts us the most.  Our bodies have left it behind and yet we continue to try and stuff our body with the trappings of what was.

Happiness let down. We all experience it. I imagine the question is – is it really bad for us to do it?

Well.

Research has linked the let-down of perceived stress with an increase in flare-ups of pain and other ailments. One study found that people experience more panic attacks on weekends, and a 2015 study from Taiwan found that holidays and Sundays have more emergency room admissions for peptic ulcers than weekdays do. A 2014 study showed migraine sufferers, in times of stress, didn’t impact migraine occurrence … but a decline in their perceived stress from one evening entry to the next entry was associated with increased migraine onset over the following six to 18 hours<they called this a “let-down headache”>

All that said. Once something is done it is never really completely gone and we deal with the ‘let down effect.’  And while we hang on relentlessly to the trappings even though the event is done and gone at least now you know there are real scientific and behind we are so silly.

Look.

While I have written about the fallacy behind “manufacturing happiness’ or the whole idea of ‘purposefully creating happiness’ I do tend to believe you can affect the degrees of happiness. It certainly helps if your happiness is more likely dependent upon some realistic expectations or maybe viewing the little moments within the larger grind that is known as Life instead of seeking some larger more grand utopian vision of happiness and big events to define happiness.

Let’s say that of now. This is where I end. Business has to manage the discrete moments of now in order to maximize happiness.

There is no code or formula for this. But I can almost guarantee if you acknowledge happiness hangover or happiness let down you will most likely end up doing something that helps.

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“I knew I wasn’t the best and that I probably never would be. I was always competing, and I did all right, but I was never number one. I knew I wasn’t the best singer but I knew I didn’t have to be the best. My intense compulsion to write and sing my songs along with my persistence and dedication would carry me when I got bogged down in doubt and fear. And my imperfections would distinguish me. However they tortured me sometimes, my imperfections were what made me unique.”

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From Juliana Hatfield biography “When I grow Up”

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This is about self reflection, self awareness and aspects of growing up <although I think a lot of people could use some of these learnings>.

The opening quote is about as thoughtful a ‘growing up’ thought as anyone could have. Yet. It almost seems un-American <’I knew I wasn’t the best’> while at the same time an excellent recognition of ‘I didn’t have to be the best.’

Whew. I wish we taught this more often. To kids, to employees, heck, to people in general.  Competing is the name of the game. Only one can be the best. There is only one number one <hence its name>. So that one thought, ‘I can be successful and not have to be the best’, is fabulous.

In addition.

As we ‘compete’ in Life I imagine everyone is tortured in some way by our own imperfections but if we take a moment we can revel in those same imperfections as the things that make us unique. Interestingly, we can often be tortured by both things — uniqueness and imperfections. So often we want to be ‘like others’ despite not wanting to be like everyone else. Yikes. Now if there isn’t a paradox in life I don’t know what is.

Regardless.

Standing out in any way can be painful <at its worst> and a burden <at almost all times>. The sooner we can accept that <and hopefully teach our kids this> the sooner you accept the burden and move on.

Trite thought about individual imperfections/uniqueness, but, it is what it is <they are what they are>.

You can either invest a shitload of energy wishing it was something else or invest the energy being ‘persistent and dedicated’ toward something so you don’t get bogged down.

Recognition, self-awareness, is also a glimpse of the fact you sacrifice some aspects of ‘growing up’ when you put some blinders on professionally. In other words, your career becomes – or dominates – your life and other things inevitably get sacrificed.

Along this self awareness path we have to make some choices. They often get reflected in the things we all do on occasion despite the fact someone, who supposedly knows better, tells us it is or is not the thing to do. I am not going to suggest we should ignore what other people tell us. In fact. You do listen, choose t do or ignore. Inevitably this is often a lot of trial & error in finding out your own ‘what to do’ compass. Each time something happens you will always ask yourself ‘why’ or ‘what does this have to do with music <or your version of that>?  Sometimes you will scratch your head and wonder, sometimes you will scream in frustration and sometimes, well, it turns out okay.

The one thing I know for sure? The inner voice develops over time. Along the way you hope to avoid looking like an idiot but <I hate to break the news to you> you will look like an idiot at some point.

At some point in childhood, in your working years, heck, as a parent — you will look like an idiot. Why? Because Life doesn’t come with a ‘how to’ manual. You learn ‘how to’ live life by doing and watching and listening <and being an idiot>.

Sure. At some point your inner voice matures but until then? You will do something at some point that will make you look like an idiot.

Sometimes part of your idiocy is driven by what most people call ‘your passion.’ While every job, every career, every person has its challenges and issues a lot of peple forge their way thru this obstacle course focused on “what is my passion.”

Well. The grass may look greener but even your passion comes with some issues. Yes. Even following your passion is work at some point. That doesn’t mean you don’t love it and aren’t happy you chose doing it, but everything and anything can become a grind. No one really tells you that when discussing ‘follow your passion.’

Lastly.

Confidence in self. Whew. People with confidence can seem so intimidating in their, well, confidence. It is a suit of armor that protects them from the rest of us ‘less confident’ people. But here’s the deal. Confidence doesn’t equal knowledge or skill or ability.

Simplistically, all confidence equals is confidence. It is simply an attitude <albeit it sometimes appears as a skill>. Until actions match attitude all you gots is a whole bunch of attitude. To be clear. Hollow confidence is hollow and will not get you shit or anywhere except in the shit and nowhere.

It seems un-american these days to suggest that confidence isn’t the key to success. But here is a Life thought to ponder … maybe it is simply being a little less insecure that can insure some success — not having more confidence.

Having less of something means getting more of something else? <sometimes a good Life formula>

Sure. Someone could probably argue that is confidence but I would suggest it is simply being lessening some weight slowing you down and rather than adding something that can pull you forward <but possibly is an additional burden>.

But, hey … that sounds a lot of some Law of Gravity or something like that and what the heck does that have to do with Life? Everything.

You don’t have to be the best. You don’t have to be the most confident. You don’t have to be perfect. All you have to be is your best version of you.

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“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.”

–

Janis Joplin

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“Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

–

Eleanor Roosevelt

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Well.

I put these two quotes together on purpose which makes me say … who would have thought you could hear such an insightful thought from both ends of the spectrum – a woman who many believe ran our country for a period of time (if not absolutely influential on a variety of national programs) and a woman with amazing creative talent who dragged herself down into the depths of insecurity and loneliness?

And, yet, they both articulated the strength of “self.”

Ok. How about at least understanding that being true to yourself is the core to everything in life.

Now (part 1). True to yourself can actually be a tricky thing. It can be tricky because who you are today is NOT who you were yesterday. You learn, experience things, unlearn and while you may be grounded in integrity the trappings of you will shift & adapt.

Now (part 2). Life will do everything in its power to convince you that you have no clue what is ‘true to yourself.’

Society will do everything in its power to convince you that you not only have no clue what is ‘true to yourself’ but, also, if you have found your ‘true compass’ that your compass is pointed in the wrong direction.

Here is what I know.

I have learned, and know, you have to encourage people (and myself) to not let others drag you down.

I have learned, and know, your true compass doesn’t have to be defined in some words or be able to be described to people it just, well, points in the right direction.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to others and accept constructive criticism but, in the end, you are you. You aren’t inferior unless you believe it to be so. You aren’t superior to anyone & anything. You listen and look at your compass.

It sounds simple. And it is simple. But incredibly difficult to do.

You can adapt. All people do. That’s what experiencing Life is all about. But don’t ignore North on your compass. The moment you decide to go east, west, even northwest … you have began compromising who and what you are. Stay pointed North.

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“Most men are individuals no longer so far as their business, its activities, or its moralities are concerned.

They are not units but fractions.”

=

Woodrow Wilson

——

Well.

In business and in Life people like consistency.

We actually like rules. And we really <really> like some guidelines for how to do things, what to say and when things should be done.

Oh. And .we love, yes, LOVE to look to the past for answers or the ‘formula for what to do or how to act.”

Ah. That sneaky ‘learn from the past or be doomed to repeat mistakes’ advice.

True, but not true advice. What makes it not true?

Context.

Future truths, or solutions, only partially reside in the past. The other part lives in the present and what is swirling around that moment.

Which brings me back to the opening quote.

We like to see things as units and yet they are simply fractions. Some people stand on fractions and act like they are whole solid foundations.

Be wary of those people.

They are not really seeking truth just answers, okay, well … maybe just an answer.

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“Fear not the path of Truth for the lack of People walking on it.”

Robert F. Kennedy

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I admit. The trouble we constantly run into is, yeah, context. We are always contextual, mosaics of the moment, and this is troubling for anyone seeking simple answers. Frankly, most of us would love a simple answer now & then <if not all the time>. But some people thrive on simplicity and black & white.

Please do not read into what I just wrote that these people live a colorless life. Everyone has color and everyone certainly has pieces of light within and without. 

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“We are mosaics. Pieces of light, love, history, stars … glued together with magic and music and words. “

Anita Krizzan 

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All I am suggesting is that magic, or the contextual aspects, in Life creates a certain intangible aspect to everyday situations. And while this intangible thing is a nagging aspect in common everyday life & business … at critical points, let’s call them ‘semi-critical moments or junctures’, the contextual intangible aspect is nerve wracking.

Nerve wracking because we want a simple solution in semi-critical moments. And context demands some complexity. It demands looking at fractions and not the whole. This means we constantly struggle with the fact <the Truth as it were> we, as individuals, businesses, countries and societies, are simply fractions and not the unit.

I would also suggest decisions, business & in life, are simply fractions and not a self-sustaining unit.

Yet, we try and make most of our decisions as if everything is aligned and unmoving — kind of like taking a snapshot and taking action.

Uh oh. This is double trouble.

This means, contextually, whatever action or decision you take or make will be relevant to what was … not what is. 

———-

“Only a crisis — actual or perceived — produces real change. When that crisis occurs, the actions that are taken depend on the ideas that are lying around. 

That, I believe, is our basic function: to develop alternatives to existing policies, to keep them alive and available until the politically impossible becomes politically inevitable.”

Milton Friedman

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In closing out this thought I would like to point out that this thought, while it seems like a stronger Life thought, is maybe even more importantly a business thought. Far far too often in business we ignore the fact each decision is contextual seeking comfort by sitting around saying “let’s look to the past for the answer.” I admit I find it slightly odd because in today’s business world every single mistake or hiccup/interruption in the status quo is labeled a crisis and crises tend to produce real change. We shouldn’t be seeking comfort in the solution but rather an uncomfortable solution which enhances the possibility of comfortable results.

On the other hand. Maybe that is my explanation to the oddity. Because what we label a crisis really isn’t true crisis we tend to just depend on whatever ideas are lying around. And the most typical ideas lying around are “what can we learn from the past.”

If you ever wonder why great decision makers should be paid some inordinate amount of money … reread this. Great decision makers see the past, the present & the future and envision the mosaic better than most of us <certainly I>.

They understand the situation is simply a fraction of what is.

This should also help explain why so many people make incredibly bad decisions.

Every moment, every situation, every success and every failure … is contextual. In fact contextual exists in almost every situation in such a wide vivid mosaic perspective that ‘learning from the past’ almost seems like an inordinate waste of time.

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“We are tossed about by external causes in many ways, and like waves driven by contrary winds, we waver and are unconscious of the issue and our fate.’

We think we are most ourselves when we are most passioate, whereas it is then we are most passive, caught in some ancestral torrent of impulse or feeling, and swept on to a precipitate reaction which meets only part of the situation because without thought only part of a situation can be perceived.”

―

Will Durant

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“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life.

Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”

—-

Golda Meir

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So.

This is about leadership & leading with an idea.

It would be an understatement to say that the number of ways a leader can lead are so numerous it would most likely take a book to explain them all <and people have certainly tried>. Trying to simplistically suggest “this is the way to lead” is simplistic tripe.

It would be an understatement to say that the number of ways a leader can articulate an idea for people to rally around and follow are so numerous it would most likely take a book to explain them all <and people have certainly tried>. Trying to simplistically suggest “this is the way to share ideas in a meaningful way” is  simplistic tripe.

That said. Today I will talk about leaders and ideas and articulating ideas. Let’s call it “the business idea” leadership challenge. For those of us who have had the fortune, or misfortune, of walking the halls of management in business we have all crossed paths with all the scary tactics and rhetoric associated with leaders who cannot articulate an idea if they actually tried <and most do try>. These are the leaders who do not really have the ability to articulate an idea well enough for the idea to gain traction and be implemented.

……………….. the idea ………………….

I sometimes believe what makes a good leader is the ability to articulate an idea so that <a> people can grasp it, <b> people can envision it as “something” tangible enough to want to hold it and <c> people can attach some emotional connection to it <ranging from ‘I believe’ to ‘passion’>. But many leaders just struggle with idea articulation and use a variety of tricks to present an idea in a way that encourages people to … well … believe in the idea.