farting in public and chess deaths

fart air


“At my age, you sort of fart your way into a role.”


Donald Sutherland


“And I, dear reader, since this is the last game we shall share, must say au revoir, and hope that somehow, somewhere (as I now lie upon my death bed) we shall have fun once more together – even if only with a King’s Gambit – out of love.”


Tony Santasiere


“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.”


Kurt Vonnegut







Who would have thought 2014 would be the year we learned that farts are good for your health and chess is bad for your health.



While farting is most likely the more interesting topic to begin with … let me begin with health, i.e. death, & chess.

chess life choices potter 1


So … in 2014 did you know that chess started showing the characteristics of a Death Match?





There were three chess related deaths this past year.



Let this be a warning should you be thinking about learning to play chess.





On a good note for your health … farts cure diseases.



No shit.



A recent study from the University of Exeter has been reported as showing that smelling farts can cure cancer as well as many other diseases.


fart elevator

This implies <albeit the study itself doesn’t actually say this at any point> that farts, with healing powers, should be viewed in a completely different light societally.



<I will come back to farts and farting in a minute>



Back to chess.



This whole thing about people dying while playing chess. Yup. Chess players are dying in the middle of matches.



By the way … I owe an apology to all the chess players who have been claiming for years that chess is a physical sport as well as a mental sport <who i have laughed out loud at>. With three honest-to-god- for-real people dying during Chess tournaments … we should all sit up and be paying attention <and reconsider whether we want to take up chess>.



Think of it this way.



Chess has now had more deaths than … say … well … badminton.
Or even synchronized swimming … shit … even Olympic ice skating.







Two died at the Chess Olympics.


death grim reaper

When is the last time someone, anyone, died at the regular Olympics?



In addition to the two Olympics deaths … a man in Ireland was stabbed to death during an argument that started over a chess move.



While I knew that chess is a passionate sport often played under considerable strain … I imagine I had never thought about what happens when players ‘snap.’




The only thing I can suggest is that you shouldn’t play chess unless you have done the proper physical training … weights and cardio … and maybe some hand-to-hand combat training.



Let’s assume you live while playing all those chess matches … maybe you could begin considering farting while playing <keeps opponents at a distance as well as is good for your health> .


It appears there is a study by the University of Exeter which suggests smelling farts can cure a variety of diseases … in fact … even help with some fatal illnesses.



This brings up a lot of thought provoking thoughts about the healing properties of top notch flagellation. Like maybe you should begin practicing to improve your ‘flagellation skills.’








Let me be honest.



<metaphorically fanning the sheets over the growing cloud of skepticism so everyone can smell the truth>




The actual study was far more complex and didn’t specifically reference farts.



But.fart flame



The study apparently did reference hydrogen sulphide which is a gas produced by natural bodily processes that provides flatulence the active ingredient to create its unpleasant odor.




The study claimed that targeted delivery of compound called AP39 causes more hydrogen sulphide to be produced by an ailing cell, and hydrogen sulphide in small doses can prove protective to the cell’s mitochondria, which supplies the cell’s energy and is often damaged by diseases.

<note: I am not exactly sure what that means but by including it I get to talk a little more about farts>



The good news <to balance out the bad smell> … apparently hydrogen sulphide prevents mitochondrial damage therefore can help cells resist the progression of many diseases.





I could have written – “hydrogen sulphide delivery helps prevent disease damage in cells in certain disease models.”


But, c’mon, farts cure cancer is a much better sound bite.






It was also once believed that smelling a fart merely meant the component gases entered the lungs and were largely just exhaled again not absorbed efficiently and delivered to diseased cells.



<this means you had the pleasure of smelling the ‘silent but deadly’ without receiving any of the ‘attacking deadly stuff’ benefits>




What if this study makes you rethink this?


What if this means we should stop and savor the smelly moment?



<all for the benefit of our health of course>



As for me?



I cannot believe we have overlooked the positive aspects of farts for so long considering that the average person is supposedly farts about 14 times per day <and there have always been a shitload of sick people around despite constant exposure to farts>.



I would imagine the corollary to any skepticism could be argued …“think about how many sick people there WOULD have been if they hadn’t smelled farts.”



I imagine we could also note that many people refrain from farting due to awkwardness and fear of saying something insensitive resulting in increased “clenching” of the relevant sphincters <actually CREATING physical issues> and the celebration of public farting would actually relieve some of the corollary physical issues driven by the current social stigma of farts.




In conclusion.




Here is the good news for farters around the world.




happy fieldI tend to believe once truth wins out and once the life-sustaining properties of flatulence are widely known there will be a huge cultural shift with regard to farting. In other words … people will fart everywhere all the time and we will be happy about it.




I believe people who openly fart around others will no longer treated with disdain but with … well … thanks.



People will stop … smell the roses <metaphorically> and give you a huge ‘thank you’ for making me healthy.





lies we tell oursleves fingers

I have no clue what farting and chess have in common.




Maybe there would be less chess-related deaths if everyone farted when playing?



All I know is that if the voyage of the soul is like a game of chess it may actually be good to fart more often while on that voyage.

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Written by Bruce