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“Dads, on this Father’s Day, if you think you’ve just had the best year in the history of fatherhood, that’s awesome, count your blessings.
But if you’re like most of us, if you’ve screwed up a lot this year, your kids still need you. They need to know that you love them and you need to show up again.”
Ben Sasse
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Real fatherhood isn’t anything like a greeting card. We all screw up. Here’s to all the dads out there who show up & try again. #FathersDay
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“I suppose in the end it’s almost too easy to look back and say what you should have done, how you might have changed things. What’s harder – what’s much, much harder – is to accept what you actually did do.”
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Peter Hook <Joy Division>
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So.
I had no plans on posting anything relevant to father’s day this year until I saw this father’s day tweet from a senator in Nebraska: Ben Sasse: Happy Father’s Day to the Flawed Fathers (Like Me)
His words? “All the dads out there who show up & try again.”
My words? Victory in the attempt.
In a world where we seem to be more and more focused on winning it is nice to step back and maybe realize that many things can be considered a victory other than some simplified “win” … especially for fathers.
How does this sound for what could be considered a ‘win’? Showing up … and showing up again … and then showing up again.
I am not a father but as I have applauded fathers year after year <because most of my father friends are great fathers> I am not sure I have applauded the most simplistic aspect of being a parent – the persistent attempt.
I think this topic matters.
It matters because when asked … I imagine almost every parent can fondly remember “the wins”, even if they are few and far between, with regard to their children. But maybe we should be pointing out the attempts, the persistency of their parenting attempts, rather than just the wins … the victories. And while the victories must be an incredible source of pride <that their attempts in parenting actually paid off in some way> their real pride source of being a parent, a father, is more likely to be found in the persistent attempts.
The persistent attempts? The times you fell short in some way in not only your child’s eyes but also how you may have fallen short in what you believe is the responsibility of parenting, and, yet, you attempt to do what is right the next day or the next time or the next opportunity.
There should be victory found in getting up and trying to do a little better the next time – victory in the attempt.
Look.
All fathers will be a jerk on occasion and, I imagine, some are simply jerks. But all fathers are imperfect. As I noted in a non fathers day post back in 2013 <No Perfect Fathers >. Shit. We all are. And, yet, imperfect or not … 99% of us persist and attempt again.
I will say this.
In our ‘positive reinforcement world’ in which ‘everyone contributes and should be included’ we tend to give out more gold stars than a second grade class.
I sometimes think we give out so many rewards that no one can truly tell who the ‘best of the best’ really are.
Oh.
I will say this except in parenting.
In parenting we have more of a tendency in never giving out a gold star for the attempt but rather solely for some achievement attained.
Therefore there is less positive reinforcement for the attempts and more for the achievements.
Well.
That seems fucked up to me.
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“Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and applause of the many, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat.”
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Longfellow
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I am not suggesting fathers need more gold stars or that achievements don’t matter but it seems kind of fucked up to me that being a ‘perfect father’ is somehow always supposed to be attached to some achievements attained by the child.
Similar to my view on many things in life I believe more often than not success should be measured in progress not achievement.
Fathering is the same to me.
And that is why victory in the attempt matters so much. Persistent attempts are metaphorically like being a border collie to your child’s life … herding them attempt by attempt toward some progress path. If you view it that way you will most likely look back at dozens of “wins” in the herding and not just whatever destination you may attain in achievement.
Anyway.
I thought Ben Sasse’s father’s day tweet was awesome.
Back in 2014 on father’s day I wrote about imperfectly perfect fathers.
That is most likely the closest I have ever come on fathers day of saying something similar to what the senator said.
And I would suggest ‘victory in the attempt ‘is a derivative of the thought I shared that day.
Fathers have a natural tendency look back at missed opportunities and moments where they failed … and maybe even when they were a jerk.
Maybe they should look back upon all the attempts and … well … think about the fact they showed up. And maybe that is a “win” in and of itself. And they certainly should be viewing attempts within a “37 seconds, used well, is a lifetime.”
It is quite possible this is a Life lesson for all of us, but for today, it is a Father’s Day thought.
Happy Father’s Day <and thank you Ben Sasse for making me sit down and wrote today>.
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“America’s about new beginnings, and the end of your story has not been written.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there who want to show up and try again.”
Ben Sasse
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