the enlightened low down on march madness

make believe to sign



The heck with who will win the NCAA basketball tournament … lets go with the guys low on the totem pole.


The ones who slipped in by the hairs on their chinny chin chin.


The ones most likely to get the living shit kicked out of them.


Sorry about that folks … while we all wait breathlessly for “the” historic upset … I will showcase the biggest beat downs.




Since the NCAA tournament expanded to 64 teams in 1985, seven No. 15 seeds have beaten No. 2 seeds and it’s even happened three times in the past two years.



A number 1 has never been beaten by a 16.




I have spent hours of research & analysis with regard to upsets and team make ups and history … gnawed my fingernails down to the quick worrying over the tape of each game I reviewed …. only to find that all the video and statistics aside … you can make your best predictions based on mascots.




No shit.


Mascots <although this high level analysis tends to only work in earlier rounds when discussing low seeds.



And it helps if you notice three sparrows sitting on a telephone wire <all facing toward the south> and you hear a dog bark 2 times quickly as you make your pick.


That said.

Let’s give the 15th and 16th seeds their day in the spotlight.



Before I do.

The biggest beat downs in first round will occur at the 4 versus 13 slot.



Because 2 teams got a 4 seed that may be the best college bball teams in the nation … with 2 of the best coaches <with HUGE chips on their shoulders> and they are gonna be pissed.

These games are gonna be a slaughter.

march madness mascot


(13) Manhattan Jaspers vs. (4) Louisville Cardinals


Speaking of mascots ..  the Jaspers comes from one of the College’s most memorable figures, Brother Jasper of Mar, who served at Manhattan College in the late 19th century.

He founded the school’s first band, orchestra, glee club, various literary clubs, and became the school’s first athletic director.

But. Here is what makes him famous … he actually created the 7th inning stretch baseball game tradition. I mention that because maybe if Manhattan can convince Louisville to take several breaks throughout the game they may have a chance.


Even then they won’t.

It’s not only possible the Cardinals are the best team in the region too but with one of the best all-around teams in the country they may be the best team in the tournament at the end.



Delaware vs. (4) Michigan State


Given coach Tom Izzo, the Spartans’ finally healthy team and the fact they won the Big Ten … well … okay … enough of the smart talk … Delaware are the Mud Hens … Michigan State are the Spartans <anyone see 300 ?????>.  isn’t that really all you need to know?


My quick note on these 2 teams in tournament is that one of them will end up in final 4 … not both. But if either gets there they will win it.



Moving on.

The other scrimmages …


 (15) Eastern Kentucky vs. (2) Kansas


Colonels versus Jayhawks.


But think Colonel Sanders <Kentucky fried chicken>. So it is really Fried Chicken versus a nasty looking bluebird of unhappiness … a JayHawk.


The only chance Eastern Kentucky has?

Well. This is Kansas we are talking about. There may not be a team with a longer history of forgetting to show up when the buzzer goes off than Kansas.

If Kansas shows up this game is over … well … before you can finish a big bucket of Colonel’s best fried chicken.



 (15) American vs. (2) Wisconsinloser tshirt


Eagles versus Badgers.


If this were a daredevil aerial competition you would have to go with eagles.

Unfortunately for the Eagles this particular tournament is played on terra firma.

Which will make for a firmly terrible experience for the American Eagles.

The badgers are a relentlessly <see: boring> methodical efficient team which will either grind out a win or put the other team to sleep with boredom.  This may not be a blowout solely because Wisconsin doesn’t do blowouts. They just win.



 (15) Milwaukee vs. (2) Villanova


Panthers versus Wildcats.


A catfight.

Men are lining up for tickets now.

Villanova may not be a spectacular team … but Milwaukee is spectacularly unspectacular.



 (15) Wofford vs. (2) Michigan


Terriers versus Wolverines.



I think Paris Hilton has a terrier. They are little noisy persistent dogs.

Wolverines? Think X-Men. Think Hugh Jackman. Think bad ass.


This match up won’t even be close.



 (16) Weber State vs. (1) Arizona


serious nonsense cheshire catBy the way. Weber State University is in Ogden, Utah. And they are Wildcats.

By the way. University of Arizona is in Tucson, Arizona. And they are Wildcats.

By the way. In my analysis this suggests a possibility of the 1st 16th seed beating a 1 seed.

And you know what? This is Arizona.

Masters of the first game flop.

Now. It ain’t gonna happen but … hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … wildcat versus wildcat. Could this be the year?




 (16) Texas Southern/Cal Poly vs. (1) Wichita State


Texas Southern is the worst team in the tournament at No. 237. Texas Southern is so bad defensively that it gave up 96 points to the NAIA’s Wiley College. They are the Tigers.


Cal Poly is a somewhat more respectable 173 ranked team in nation. Cal Poly went 6-10 in the Big West regular season. Their mascot is “Musty the Mustang.”


Wichita State is named after corn … oops … wheat. Darn. I get all my grains mixed up.


Grains can be scary. Have you ever eaten too much and … well … how about when one gets stuck between your teeth? Aggravating.


Wichita State Wheat is just wrong.

Wichita State Shockers? That is kick ass.


Either way, I would be shocked if the Shockers lost this game.




(16) Coastal Carolina vs. (1) Virginia


Coastal Carolina is the second-worst team in the tournament at No. 232. They can’t shoot threes, turns the ball over like they are giving out free samples outside a new restaurant and they are The Chanticleers  … a rooster.


Virginia is the Cavaliers. Think swashbuckling cavalrymen with noble honor and sharp swords.


I am not sure Virginia is truly a No. 1 seed, but that doesn’t mean a Cavalier stands any chance of losing to a Rooster.



 (16) Albany vs. (1) Florida


Albany is a Great Dane.

Florida is a Gator.



Albany didn’t play one ranked team this season. I am sure that has prepared them very well for Florida.


This may be the beat down of all beat downs.


lost brain


That’s it.

And I believe I have unequivocally shown that Mascot predicting is a masterful way to assess NCAA March Madness matchups.


You would have to be … well … mad … to not fill out your bracket using this philosophy.


By the way.

If you are interested in the top ten worst mascots in college sports … here you go:

Written by Bruce