=====

 “I finished by saying that it struck me that all the ethical systems I was discussing were after the fact.

That is, that people act as they are disposed to, but they like to feel afterwards that they were right and so they invent systems that approve of their dispositions.”

alexei panshin

============ 

“Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.”

Richelle E. Goodrich

====

This is about business and also about “the post-Christmas let down”.

What they have in common is what someone once called “happiness hangovers.” I imagine any of us in the business world have felt this after a big meeting or some big trade show or some big thing we have prepared for and had some element of ‘showtime.’

That’s the same kind of funk we fall into after Christmas.

There are a couple of reasons this happens. One scientific and one mental.

Science.

The dopamine let down. Scientifically we juice ourselves up with dopamine in order to ‘meet the moment.’ Think of this as the feeling you get every time the email notification on your phone goes of — every 15 seconds for almost 12 hours straight. Each ‘email has arrived’ notification sends a quick dose of dopamine to the brain, we get jolted <love the high> and then immediately receive another. When we are focused on this specific goal we get the rush of dopamine flowing through our brain and when the goal is achieved your body naturally reduces the levels of dopamine.

The body rebalances itself. The dopamine high goes from high … to low. Then finally normal <assuming there is something normal>.

Bottom line result? We feel bummed. We feel drained. This is the science version of ‘let down.’

Mental.

The positive feelings let down. According to psychologist Gary Stollak, psychology professor, most people have a “happiness set point.” Let’s call that a “5” on the self happiness meter.

Therefore when we get up for something, and it concludes satisfactorily, we rise to a high. Our happiness meter shifts up to 10 <maybe 11 if you are a Spinal Tap fan>.

Unfortunately, your happiness meter balances out. That is partially why your happiest highs are often followed by depressed lows. The worst part of this aspect is what we fill the empty space , which happiness used to hang out in, with doubts, questions, regrets, what ifs, whatever else we could add in that diminished the true happiness and high.

Bottom line result? We go high, we go low and, hopefully, normalize.

Regardless. Suffice it to say, post Christmas, post meeting, post whatever, we are dealing with “it’s over.”

So this year when you sit back with the realization that Christmas is over just take a moment and think about how you (and all of us) deal with the happiness hangover.

The aftermath is so anti-climactic versus the moment itself we tend to fill the space with stuff associated with the event trying to drag it out for as long as we can.

Christmas?

Leave the tree up.

Leave the lights up.

Maybe still play the music.

Business?

Retell the highlight moments.

Replay portions in meetings.

Gather to relive aspects.

As mentioned upfront in this piece, we continuously try to invent things that approve of their dispositions.

We hate to let it go even though our body is telling us we should.

And maybe that is what hurts us the most. Our bodies have left it behind and yet we continue to try and stuff our body & minds with the trappings of “what was” (or, worse, try and make up for how expectations where not met).

We all do it.

And most of us do it unconsciously.

Is it really bad for us to do it?

Well. Research has linked the let-down of perceived stress with an increase in flare-ups of pain and other ailments. One study found that people experience more panic attacks on weekends, and a 2015 study from Taiwan found that holidays and Sundays have more emergency room admissions for peptic ulcers than weekdays do. A 2014 study showed migraine sufferers, in times of stress, didn’t impact migraine occurrence, but a decline in their perceived stress from one evening entry to the next entry was associated with increased migraine onset over the following six to 18 hours <they called this a “let-down headache”>

……………….. Christmas is over …….

Well.

All that said.

The day after Christmas, Christmas is done, but still not completely gone. And just as we do with big work events … we are dealing with the ‘let down effect.’ And while we hang on relentlessly to the trappings even though the event is done and gone at least now you know there are real scientific and psychological reasons behind we are so silly.

Happy Happiness Hangover.

——-

“My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others.

Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that? “

Bob Hope

——————–

“Gotta take the time to search the mind.”

Traci Spencer

————-

Children laugh

Children cry

They’re the future of our time

Will they hold us to blame

For all the things we’ve turned away

I don’t like what I see now

I don’t like where we’re going

I don’t like it, no

You and I, we’re getting older now

You and I, who will show them

If we don’t show them how

I want to know is it true

Is there a house of hope for me and you

I want to know is it true

Is there a house of hope for me and you.

<House of Hope>

Song by Toni Childs

——————————-

 Ok. I admit. I am most likely using Christmas as an excuse to highlight two songs with great messages about vision & hope.

I would suggest, in general, the Christmas gift we end up finding the most value in is hope.

It is a fairly simple idea to suggest we all need hope.

I tend to believe all of us understand a hopeless existence just isn’t worth living. Or maybe I could say that the moment people can’t see Hope, life becomes dangerously hollow.

I think all of us humans <schmucks too> instinctively know this so we spend at least some portions of our lives searching for hope.

However, sometimes we settle for something a little short of hope.

What do I mean?

Well.

With a legitimate desire to feel good about where we’re headed, we tend to mistake positive thinking for genuine hope.

And this year not only did it seem to be more difficult to think positively, but hope seems to be challenged by a world that may appear to be in flux to many people.

Now.

Even if it is not in flux, we do perceive it to be, so therefore the natural reflex is to, well, cocoon our hope.

What I mean by that is we begin to worry a little more on “I” than “we.”

We focus hope a little more on self rather than selfless.

Now.

This doesn’t mean we have suddenly become selfish or that we do not care about others, this is more simply ‘survival mode.’ In that I can’t care as much about others until I know that I have been cared for enough that I feel I am in an okay position & place.

I say that because Hope’s biggest challenge in the future is going to be from a larger world view. With everyone hunkering down avoiding the ‘crazy world’, the world may be put on strict Hope diet.

That’s okay.

We will figure it out.

But for today, maybe just around this Christmas, ponder a world view of Hope.

Take the time to search the mind, “is there a house of hope for me and you?”

Because I believe that if you take a moment and touch it and feel it and sense it, when the future occasion should arise – when you are in a position to care – that world view Hope will touch the spark that resides within and the world Hope will light on fire.

Music is always a great reminder of things that matter and finding music to share hopeful messages is like putting a gift to music.

I could share Christmas music & songs, but instead I am going to share hopeful songs. These are two older songs that are nice to listen to and nice t learn the words to.

Here is my Christmas music gift for this year:

——–

Song: House of Hope

Toni Childs

bonus …

House of Hope Live <she sounds exactly like she does in the recorded version>:

The second song is by Traci Spencer and called This House. The video is horribly early 90’s video making at its worst, but the message is so good you should ignore the video and listen to the words.

——

Song: This House

Traci Spencer

——————–

Well. There you go. Gotta take the time to search the mind … Is there a house of hope for me and you ?

Search your mind.

There is always a house of hope for you & I.

Sometimes, and some days, you just have to look a little harder to see it.

===

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

====

Jitters

plural noun​ /ˈdʒɪt̬·ərz/

​<Cambridge Dictionary>

a feeling of being nervous that you experience before something important happens:

I always get the jitters the morning before an exam.

=====

“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.“

Fred Rogers

=========

Christmas Eve and pre-Christmas jitters.

This is different than anticipation or expectations or … well … anything, but the … uhm … jitters.

Ok.

Why jitters?

It all revolves around receiving and giving. And this changes as we get older.

In youth the jitters revolve around the receiving.

As we age the jitters shift to giving.

And while years come and go, the jitters stay year in and year out. And maybe that is what makes this version of jitters a little unique.

Experience doesn’t matter.

No matter how many Christmases you have endured, enjoyed or embraced, no matter how familiar the ritual becomes and how consistent the day & event unfolds, none seem to ever change the ‘jitter’ aspect.

Now. I can’t speak to the receiving jitters anymore because I have left youth far behind.

But as for the giving?

Well. You don’t even have to invested gobs of time pondering the perfect gift nor does it matter that you know what someone wants … the moment before the moment … creates … well … at least a moment of jitters.

Despite the fact most of us know we suck at giving gifts , we want to get it right. We want to maybe not hit the nail on the head gift wise, but we at least want to not be so far off base that we disappoint on the one day of the year where you think disappointment just shouldn’t show up.

Look.

I like reading how many people write about Christmas.

I like reading how many people seem to reach into the true spirit of Christmas and reflect upon the goods & the bads <but, most typically, the goods>.

I like reading how many people enjoy the glitz & glitter & trappings and, yet, for the most part enjoy the underpinnings and the ‘invisible’ or ‘less than visible’ things that truly make up Christmas.

And maybe it is that last point why so many of us have pre-Christmas jitters. For one moment, the moment a gift is picked up, shaken, and opened, you are quite possibly more visible than you have ever been and even more visible than any glitz & glitter & trappings surrounding you.

Its not that most of us want to be invisible, but being starkly visible — whether we are ready or not or want it or not — can be a little daunting.

Hence the jitters.

In the end.

Gifts don’t really matter.

Shit. We all pretty much know that. Even bad gifts given with good intentions are good gifts.

And we all pretty much know that Christmas is more found in the hearts & souls of all < yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus> rather than in some poorly wrapped, are impeccably wrapped, gift.

But all that said.

Pre-Christmas jitters.

I assume 99% of us have them. Even with all that I shared with regard to what I tend to believe all of us know about Christmas.

And you know what?

The jitters are part and parcel to a good Christmas day.

Why?

It shows you care.

You care about Christmas and you care that someone cares about what you have given.

Caring … is … well … good.

Merry Christmas and I hope your jitters are merry.

=======

“For it is in giving that we receive.”

Francis of Assisi

======

“The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its
value.”

Charles Dudley Warner

=======

Well. This is about gift giving. As noted in this post, most of us suck at giving Christmas gifts. <Me & Christmas gift Giving>

Sure.

On occasion we get lucky and give that one spectacular gift that make someone’s eyes light up and you know you have knocked it out of the park. But more often than not we fall back on dollars & cents assessing “how much did you get” or making ourselves feel better by “how much we gave.”

I tend to believe we fall back on that because on that day and in that moment we couldn’t really figure out what the ‘right gift’ really was to give and just try and overcome it with volume.

I have given Christmas gifts spanning from $5 to $50 to $500 only to have found that if you give the right gift, the perfect gift for the person and the moment in time, the dollar value is irrelevant.

I have given a hand written poem in a well-chosen Christmas card on a year when I didn’t have any money and given something expensive on a year where I had the budget to send more. What I have found is that both have created the joy of giving … & the joy receiving … and created equal value despite the dollar outlay.

It took me years to find ‘right gifts’ for my sister and my mother — neither of which I know particularly well <tickets to games for my sister’s favorite baseball team and a huge spring bouquet of flowers for my mother>.

All this rambling leads me to share the two gifts … my favorite gift stories … which remind us all of the power of the ‘right gift’ at Christmas.

The first is an odd one, but for an amateur writer, like I, it has within it all the aspects a writer could only dream of being able to gift upon someone … “yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus” letter from the editor –Is There A Santa Claus?
Editorial Page, New York Sun, September 21, 1897

This one may seem odd as a gift, but I put it in the gift category in that I struggle to find a better articulation of “belief in something good” which suggests some of the best things are not tangible … but in the heart & soul.

What a gift this letter from the editor is … in fact … what a gift to any and all … not just children.

The second is a story I never tire of … the gift that gave us To Kill a Mockingbird.

====

This story was published in the December 1961 McCall’s magazine – titled Christmas To Me.

====

There was an envelope on the tree, addressed to me. I opened it and read: “You have one year off from your job to write whatever you please. Merry Christmas.”

“What does this mean?” I asked.

“What it says,” I was told.

They assured me that it was not some sort of joke. They’d had a good year, they said. They’d saved some money and thought it was high time they did something about me.

“What do you mean, do something about me?”

To tell the truth – if I really wanted to know – they thought I had a great talent, and…

“What makes you think that?”

It was plain to anyone who knew me, they said, if anyone would stop to look.

They wanted to show their faith in me the best way they knew how. Whether I ever sold a line was immaterial. They wanted to give me a full, fair chance to learn my craft, free from the harassments of a regular job. Would I accept their gift? There were no strings at all. Please accept, with their love.

It took some time to find my voice. When I did, I asked if they were out of their minds. What made them think anything would come of this? They didn’t have that kind of money to throw away. A year was a long time. What if the children came down with something horrible? As objection crowded upon objection, each was overruled. “We’re all young,” they said. “We can cope with whatever happens. If disaster strikes, you can always find a job of some kind. OK, consider it a loan, if you wish. We just want you to accept. Just permit us to believe in you. You must.”

“It’s a fantastic gamble,” I murmured. “It’s such a great risk.”

My friend looked around his living room, at his boys, half buried under a pile of bright Christmas wrapping paper. His eyes sparkled as they met his wife’s, and they exchanged a glance of what seemed to me insufferable smugness. Then he looked at me and said softly; “No, honey. It’s not a risk. It’s a sure thing.”

Outside, snow was falling, an odd event for a New York Christmas. I went to the window, stunned by the day’s miracle. Christmas trees blurred softly across the street, and firelight made the children’s shadows dance on the wall beside me. A full, fair chance for a new life. Not given me by an act of generosity, but by an act of love. Our faith in you was really all I had heard them say. I would do my best not to fail them. Snow still fell on the pavement below. Brownstone roofs gradually whitened. Lights in distant skyscrapers shone with yellow symbols of a road’s lonely end, and as I stood at the window, looking at the lights and the snow, the ache of an old memory left me for ever.

• Harper Lee went on to write Go Set A Watchman and To Kill A Mockingbird.

Well.

I share these gifts for one of my favorite days of the year Christmas just to remind everyone that in a world that far too often measures success & results off of dollars & cents & some number … sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is … well … anything but dollars & cents.

It is hope, belief, optimism and trust … in someone.

I can’t guarantee much to anyone most of the time but on this I feel I can give a 100% guarantee.

I wrote this in my 2014 Christmas post:

I think many people may treat the event & time as a gift giving occasion or a time to gather or even a time to reflect … but I am beginning to think Christmas offers a glimmer of ‘what could be’ more than anything else. Sometimes it may simply be a small glimmer but it is …well … a glimmer.

A small piece of hope for the future.

A small spotlight on when hope appeared in the past year or so.

I tend to think as we get older our lists get smaller because we get closer to the one thing that really matters. This also means that the closer you get to that one thing the less important all the other things become.

And maybe I was partially right … hope is a gift with an inestimable value.

But other things like believing in someone, optimism that someone can be the better version of who they want to be and … well … simply ‘trust’ also have inestimable value to someone in need of this gift.

Anyway.

Here is my 100% Christmas gift guarantee.

If you give someone something on Christmas day, something that brings forth hope, belief in oneself, optimism in what could be and/or trust in that person, … well, it could have cost $5 … $50 … or $500 … and it will not matter — its value is infinite.

Ponder.

===========

“For in some ways the world was like a shopping centre, and he himself was a doubtful customer, often ineffectual, being talked into buying things he didn’t want, things indeed which nobody in their right mind would want to buy.”

Margaret Mahy

=================

I admit. Similar to most people I have always thought of choices and decisions as forks in the road … go this way or go that way <although I have suggested in the past that Life is a game of chess with choice making>.

But what if choices are like a shopping center?

What if the world exists as a shopping center of choices and decisions in which you can be bamboozled into some choices or maybe out of sheer exhaustion you just buy something or because this one store is more convenient you buy that choice; never seeing another choice in the store on the other side of the shopping center?

Well. Let’s be honest. That sounds more like reality with regard to choices and decisions that some simplistic ‘fork in the road.’

===

“Why can’t I try on different lives, like dresses, to see which one fits me and is most becoming?”

Unknown

===

“Explain the value and justify the cost.

People don’t mind paying; they just don’t like to overpay.”

Chris Murray

===========

Anyway. Life decisions.

You know something? We bitch & moan about making decisions and the angst over Life choices, but, in general, we don’t really mind making them. Generally speaking we make about 30,000 of those suckers daily.

We just don’t like to overpay for our decisions and choices.

And that is where choice shopping centers screw us up. We wander into stores looking at crap we think would look great on us, and maybe we even buy it, but when we get home it not only doesn’t look as good … it looks like shit <or stupid>.

Uh oh.

It is non returnable.

It is non refundable.

You own it.

The choice, the one you made, is yours.

And maybe we made that choice because some ad suggested it or something in the store whispered in our ear or we even get some good sales pitch or someone we respected suggested it would be a good choice. In all cases we are, in some form or fashion, explained the cost of our choice <by Life in this metaphor>, we think we see the value, and then we decide to pay or not pay. That is the value equation.

But here is the biggest problem with regard to thinking about choices as a shopping center. You cannot leave the shopping center having bought nothing. Buying nothing is not really an option.

Yeah. I just said that. You will not leave empty handed.

And I think most of us know that <even if we do, on occasion, simply decide to make … well … no decision> because we know that we tend to seek reasons to make one choice over another. And that makes me think about the fact there may be nothing worse than thinking you have a chance when you don’t have an ice cube’s chance in hell.

Thinking you have a chance is normal. In fact it is so natural to think it you almost have to convince yourself that there really truly is no chance. Here is what I mean. Standing in some store in the choice shopping center, and maybe you have visited five stores already and bought nothing you end up thinking even that one choice that is maybe just not your color or not exactly your size or, well, you get it; you convince yourself you have some chance it will end up looking great on you.

This thought process gets reinforced by Society which is constantly seeking ways to convince you that that ‘no chance’ is simply a sign of pessimism or lack of ‘positive thinking’ <or … “it would fit you if you only worked harder” type shit advice>.

Well.

That is bullshit.

No chance is no chance.

In fact I would suggest a sliver of a chance is still no chance.

A shopping center of choices always offers you, uhm, choices. They may not be perfect and in fact you may find that all the stores with the good shit are closed that day and the only choices you can buy are in the dingy Dollar Store.

Regardless. Life is more often than not about making choices on where to invest energy rather than a simplistic ‘right versus wrong’. Investing energy in ‘no chance’ situations are a drain.

Most good choices have nothing to do with ‘beating the odds.’ Most are about honestly assessing chance and probability.

I am certainly not suggesting this is easy.

Having been to dozens of shopping centers where every store fights to sell you something shouting at the top of their lungs ‘you do have a chance,’ I fully recognize it absolutely sucks to have no chance let alone admit to yourself “no chance”.

I take some solace in the fact that I know what sucks more. Thinking you actually have a chance when you do not. And I fully recognize the suckiest decision of all … not even going to the shopping center. Even if you hate shopping showing up at the shopping center is what it is all about. It seems almost weird to even suggest this, but simply showing up can have dramatic consequences.

Yup.

Even something as unspectacular as ‘showing up’ can be a choice which has dramatic consequences to your destiny.

We far too often think of fate when looking in a rear view mirror.

We far too often think about fate when looking at choices as “this way or that way.”

We far too often think about choices, and the choices WE made, which actually led us to the place where we saw what we saw in that rear view mirror rather than all the other choices that possibly impacted ‘fate’, i.e., we far too often reflect linearly or ’cause & effect’ rather than complexity.

We far too often think about the sea in which choices are made as something controlled, and controllable, by us rather than some invisible hand.

And I imagine, we far too often rarely think about showing up as a key choice.

===========

“No matter what choice you make, it doesn’t define you. Not forever. People can make bad choices and change their minds and hearts and do good things later; just as people can make good choices and then turn around and walk a bad path. No choice we make lasts our whole life. If there’s ever a choice you’ve made that you no longer agree with, you can make another choice.”

Jonathan Maberry

===========

Anyway.

I tend to believe most of us do not think of Life choices in a shopping center like way because it can seem pretty overwhelming. In addition, it possibly forces us to think about how easily we are bamboozled in a retail environment to buy shit we don’t need, or buy shit that isn’t really good for us or even buy shit that doesn’t fit us.

It is much simply to say “right or left” or “this way or that way.”

Unfortunately.

Life is just not that simple.

Unfortunately.

Choices are just not that simple.

More often than not we are, well, a doubtful customer, often ineffectual, being talked into buying things he didn’t want, things indeed which nobody in their right mind would want to buy.”

That sucks.

Ponder.

=========

“The one who wishes to wear the crown … must bear its weight …”

Kim Tan

==============

Not all of us actually seek to wear a crown. Well. Maybe not a crown as the queen or king of something or some leadership spot, but I would argue that anyone who decides progress is good will seek out a crown on occasion.

Here is what I mean.

We all wish for something more than what we have. It is kind of inherent into who and what we are as people. Its not that we are perpetually dissatisfied with where we are and what we have, it’s just that there is an inner urge to discover ‘the best version of yourself’ <or at least a better version than who you are at the moment>.

Now.

I would suggest part of that best version of ourselves encompasses how we pursue “more” and how we assume the responsibility, or burden, associated with the “more” <whatever it is> in our lives. And to discover our ‘hows’, well, you gotta push out on current and existing limitations. In other words you gotta look around for a new crown to wear.

While I assume the quote I used most likely was in reference to a person in charge who will have to take responsibility for everything that leadership <the heavy burden of responsibility>, I would suggest that crowns are crowns and the burden is always a weight.

Once you assume a crown … well … assume that any little thing that goes wrong is your fault. You can have a family behind you, a team behind you, a population behind you, but when the shit hits the fan everyone looks to the one with the crown. Crowns mean you are responsible not just for the direction of efforts, and the efforts themselves, but also the outcomes, good and bad, or any and all efforts.

And while many could look at what I just wrote and say “oh, that is personal responsibility” <taking ownership of you actions & words> I would argue that there is absolutely personal responsibility and then there is crown responsibility. They are different.

Look.

There are many different types of crown in Life.

Shit.

Crowns come in all sizes and shapes.

Power, leadership, fame, family, wealth, relationships, love, the list is pretty extensive. But all have something in common. Once you pick one crown to wear, you must be ready for its consequences.

I believe it was Woody Allen who said that 80% of success in life is showing up. I would suggest the other 20% of success is how well you bear the actual burden of the crowns you wear. And, I would note, part of that burden is how well you actually push opportunity to others now that you have that crown. I say that because crown wearing is not just about problem solving or ‘leading’ or even “I” type things, it actually contains some “what am I going to do for you” type aspects.

Yeah.

Sure.

Leadership is one crown. And whether the crown wearer actually fulfills the responsibility well or not, I tend to believe anyone seeking to wear the leadership crown understands that there is a burden that comes along with it and almost all the different aspects of that burden that come along with it. They may not meet the burden, but they damn well sure know there will be a burden with the crown.

Responsibility and leadership is a well-recognized burden.

But all the other crowns?

All the other crowns are a little sneakier. Sometimes I think we forget some of the choices we make represent the fact that someone has just placed a crown upon our head.

Shit.

In fact.

Sometimes I think we actually don’t like to think of some of these choices as a “putting on a crown’ type choice.

What I mean by that is we purposefully ignore the crown.

I believe we mostly do that because it is nice to think of a choice as a choice and isolate whatever burden or responsibility we feel we should assume to that moment in time and that choice. Crowns mean … well … ongoing burden.

I tend to believe more of us, even the ones who really do not go seeking crowns, should think of more choices as moments in which a crown is placed upon us. Maybe then we would view some choices a little differently, maybe add a little more gravitas to a choice, and certainly add a little more truth to the reality of our lives. Hmmmmm … and maybe that is why wearing a crown can be a burden. You are accepting some truth. And truth, in and of itself, is a burden.

Anyway.

We all wear crowns.

And, in some way and in some situations, you actually wish to wear that particular crown. It would probably do more of us some good to admit this as truth, accept the misery it will most likely place upon you in additional responsibility and understand that this understanding will ultimately set you free to rule that particular aspect of your Life just a little bit better than before.

Ponder.

==========================

James A. Garfield:

“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”

————————

Come as you are, as you were

As I want you to be

As a friend, as a friend

As a known enemy

Take your time, hurry up

The choice is yours, don’t be late

“come as you are”: Nirvana

————————–

The world, and society, can make Life a bitch to live sometimes.

Be yourself … but behave like we want you to behave.

Think for yourself … but here is how we think you should think.

Be different … but remember we love consistency.

The world expects you to be an individual and even encourages uniqueness in a variety of ways and, yet, encourages a high degree of sameness, i.e., conformity. All the expectations create a shitload of personal conflict on what to do, how to act and what is right & wrong.

The lines in all of this are thin. Frightfully thin. And, yet, day in and day out we are often walking this thin line.

Life can also throw in an additional curveball.

While encouraging you to believe that the choice, and choices, are all yours to make, uhm, it also says don’t be late. In other words, take your time, but hurry up. Life suggests you make your choices wisely, but fast. Let us call this “patient urgency” or maybe even “make haste slowly“. As a consequence of this constant suggestion to hurry up, we tend to lean on past experiences.

Uh oh <part 1>. There is a gap between the actual experience and the memory of the experience. Experience, more often than not, is complex while our memory, more often than not, is simplified into some executive summary of the experience <let’s call it a memory imprint>.

Uh oh <part 2>. There may actually be a gap between the complexities in reality and our ability to realistically experience it. Let’s just say that we tend to view reality heuristically <mainly because of that ‘make your choice but hurry’ thing>, i.e., shortcut thinking. What this means is that we don’t truly see reality, but rather a simplified translation. Unfortunately, this simplified version naturally incorporates some blind spots and lots of mis-perceptions. In other words, we often see what we want to see, not what really is.

<note: there is a boatload of research on this>

Suffice it to say all of this makes Life complicated.

It makes being yourself, while trying to understand who you really are, complicated. And it gets even more complicated by the whole “don’t be late on choices” because it means relying on past experiences and judging off of past outcomes which, unfortunately, none of which are reflective of the here & now choice.

What does this all come down to? Us. In order to survive we recognize our only friend is us and our only enemy is us. We battle against … well … us … as Life looks on and chuckles.

We simplify only to find it is complex.

We seek consistency only to realize ignoring change is actually a threat.

All that said.

I loved the line “come as you are, come as you were.” Day in and day out we change little by little. We come as we are as well as come as we were basically accumulating and deleting day by day. If you think about this, I imagine a relatively intelligent person would start questioning why you would base any choice off of some past experience.

And therein lies the answer to why Life can be such a bitch to live.

Like it or not each choice is mutually exclusive. Each choice has some expiration time <of which is rarely printed on the choice>. In addition. Each choice is influenced by two people – the friend and enemy within you.

Sound fucked up? Well. All you can do is, well, come as you are and make your choice best as you can. Ponder.

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“Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food.”

Austin O’Malley

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“You remember too much,”

my mother said to me recently. Why hold onto all that?

And I said,

“Where can I put it down?”

Anne Carson

======================

I am not sure what it is about people and the past, but … whew … the past should come up with a new name because it seems to reside in the present more than it does in the past.

Maybe we should stop referring to past regrets, memories, decisions, moments, whatevers, and simply refer to them as eternal things.

Maybe then we could just accept when they happen, in the moment, that they will be our constant companion from that day on.

Maybe then we could stop with the incredibly silly advice of “you need to let that go” or “what’s in the past is done” <as if these trite-isms will magically make the past disappear>.

I say all that because no matter how much anyone tries to convince us and coach us, and no matter how much we, personally, try to convince ourselves and coach ourselves, we cannot leave a memory, in particular, our memory behind.

Sorry. Harsh truth. We cannot really ‘put it down’ and then keep walking.

And, you know what?

That’s okay if you just frickin’ accept it rather than fight it every step of the way <investing energy every step of the way>. In fact. I could argue that if you take on this mindset, you never really leave anything behind, BUT, you actually learn how to set it aside in the appropriate moments. And, in my pea like brain, that is what matters. I honestly like my memories; even the bad ones. They make up who I am today and represent some aspects of who I was yesterday. I attain more each day and rather than discard some I have found that human memory space, unlike a thumb drive, does not have limited space. It all fits in there.

Good, bad, boring and exciting. They all fit in there.

And I like the fact that when I want to, and when it may be good and helpful to do so, I can trawl through my memory banks and think about a memory or two.

But they don’t overwhelm me nor are they constantly whispering in my ear.

I think by me accepting they are eternal they know I am not trying to kill them off so they are comfortable taking naps and long sleeps in the comfort I am not going to grab a pillow and suffocate them in their sleep.

Sure.

Sometimes they wake up and say “pay attention to me” or “well, I am awake, what are you are doing and what have you been doing while I have been sleeping?” and sometimes, just sometimes, I am glad they wake up when they do and make me pay attention to something that maybe I had stored away and forgotten. And, yeah, sometimes they wake up at inopportune moments & times and demand I pay attention to them when I would much rather prefer they would just shut up.

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“The past is never where you think you left it.”

Katherine Anne Porter

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I am fairly sure you really cannot leave a memory, or the past behind. I do know for sure that if you do try and leave it, uhm, it will never stay exactly where you put it.

Huh?

Think “context.”

I may place a memory in some drawer labeled ”sad regret” only to go back at some point and find that drawer empty and open the drawer that says “empowering self-enlightenment” only to find that memory tucked in there now. Yeah. Time, context & experiences can actually move the past into different slots than where you may have left them.  I imagine in some way you are actually reinterpreting the past because of all the experiences since then.

Anyway. Here is the weird thing about ‘the past’ that maybe should make you sit & ponder a bit. The past is not some stone placed somewhere on your Life path. It actually exhibits characteristics more like a loyal pet. It will follow along sometimes slowly, sometimes fast, sometimes behind, and sometimes beside.

Look. I am not a psychologist nor am I some Life coach just an everyday schmuck who has had a shitload of experiences in Life and figured out trying to ‘leave behind’ some past memory & experience truly has a snowball’s chance in hell of working. So I figured I would try just bringing the along for the ride as I accumulate them to see how that went.

And it has worked out pretty well.

Regardless. What I do know is that your past is never where you think you have left it so you may as well bring it along. ponder.

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“… if you look beyond the tumult of sensational headlines and well-publicized atrocities, there’s a quiet trend of improvement throughout the world.

But although it’s sometimes drowned out by the drumbeat of fear-mongering, the progress that gives rise to hope is real and ongoing.

Adam Lee

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As we near another Christmas I don’t know if it is because I associate hope and hopefulness with Christmas or that I tend to pay attention more to the good things happening in the world (the sometimes unnoticed small steps of progress) than I do the bombastic voices of ‘everything is bad’, but despite all the noisy shitshow stuff happening, I do believe there is a quiet trend of improvement happening before our eyes.

I say that recognizing it is tough to be optimistic these days. And I don’t mean because of what is actually happening in today’s world, but rather because if you are optimistic you run the significant risk of being trampled by a herd of cynicism, pessimism and those unwilling to believe the future can be better than the past. That said. I believe the bigger challenge we face is a general reluctance to believe people can change or should be forgiven.

There is a quiet voice of positive being overwhelmed by a loud voice of ‘nothing can be good’

I mention this because I just reread an old Pope Francis Christmas homily. It was positive, hopeful, instructive and a request that we look beyond decadence and selfishness in order to raise all of human kind to a better place.

It is the kind of message you would hope a religious leader would give.

And then I made the naïve mistake of scanning the comments underneath the article <in several papers>. An overwhelming amount of comments were negative.

Either they:

<a> suggested the message was misguided <somehow some people saw it as anti-capitalism>,

<b> suggested the Pope was a hypocrite <because he represents a church with millions in assets>,

<c> the church had no basis to offer hope because of past transgressions or

<d> religion is bad and therefore what religious people say is simply fantasy <even if it is a good message>.

It is like people were seeking reason to not accept the positive message.

Let’s be clear. The Catholic Church and its history is strewn with moments of sin. And, yet, the Church has a Pope who not only accepts it, but is trying own its history. Should we judge an organization by the moments of transgression & sin <albeit they can be heinous transgressions on occasion> or by the true intent & soul of the organization and its voice for the future? That is a big question with an answer bigger than I can offer.

That said.

I find it disheartening that we cannot accept positiveness and hope without trying to burden it with cynicism or pessimism.

I find it disheartening we can’t accept heroic acts from non heroic people – when we view them in totality.

Good is good.

Hope is hope.

Heroic acts can be done by flawed people.

We shouldn’t discredit the words or the thoughts as we seek to diminish the bearers of the words & thoughts. Maybe we should seek to find the good in what someone says rather than find reasons to point out why the words are flawed or the deliverer is some insincere fraud.

This leads me to the bearers of the words & thoughts.

– Changing to do something good is being slowed by people who suggest someone cannot change.

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“People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be.”

Mad Men

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Well. Surely doing good today doesn’t absolve you from something you did bad yesterday. And, yet, I could argue those who have made bad mistakes in the past, and recognize them as bad, are most likely the most qualified to lead today.

I scan the headlines of the papers and there are a shitload of flawed people saying a bunch of smart, positive, hopeful things.

I scan the headlines of the papers and I see article after article diminishing the people who are saying these things by pointing out past transgressions or their ‘lack of consistency’ with regard to their beliefs <so why should we believe their positive thoughts>.

Smart flawed people, who maybe had flawed ideas in the past, are often smart enough to realize they need to change or make changes.

I would like to point out that the difficulty seems to arise not in the person who has changed, but in those around the changer/doer. While the best of the best changers seek to build the new, ignoring the old, we the people, continuously fight back with the old.

Can someone actually leave the old baggage behind and move on to do better things? <a question we should all be asking ourselves in today’s world>

We seem hell bent on not letting people even try to change.

I would like to remind people of several things:

Andrew Carnegie, whose Pinkerton men shot down workers at the Homestead strike in Pittsburgh, also left the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace and an international network of public libraries.

John D Rockefeller, whose use of troops against Colorado mineworkers led to scores of deaths, including of women and children, created his foundation, so creative for young people worldwide.

Alfred Nobel, arms manufacturer and “marchand de mort extraordinaire”, set up the peace prize.

Regardless. I fully understand why some people want to hold on to the ‘better days of the past’ and nostalgically wish we could go back to many of what are perceived as ‘better ways of doing things.’

It is natural and, honestly, comforting. But I don’t understand why we far too often hold on to the ‘bad things from the past’ and pessimism/cynicism and constantly burden people who, sincerely, want to do good things, show change, and offer a better version of themselves with the intent to create a better version of the world.

Far too many people today do not see much to be upbeat about. They simply see a lot of existing problems getting worse. And because of that they are tending to gather around anyone promising a return to an imaginary past era of greatness.

Some of the best leaders today are those who were in the past, and in the past flawed, and now are new versions of themselves and do not want to return t some past but try and create a new future.

People change.

We should allow them to change.

Especially if they are one of the valuable few who see the good and hopeful and optimistic in the world. For they are the ones capable of showing us light when dark can appear to be winning. In fact, many of these people accept the quite improvements, enable the quiet improvements, and facilitate the progress that humankind deserves. Maybe we just need to stop the noise and start quietly embracing good improvement. Ponder.

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“So the universe is not quite as you thought it was.


You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then. Because you certainly can’t rearrange the universe.”

Isaac Asimov

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We talk about changing the world and ‘rocking the universe’ not only when young, but in discussions where we are thinking about maximizing our potential or maybe we do it simply to convince ourselves we can do something that matters.

In other words …

We have a plan.

Ok. Maybe its not a specific step-by-step plan, but we have a general schematic of a plan which showcases key lines and dimensions of what, where and how.

It is kind of a rough blueprint sketched out on a cocktail napkin.

Uhm.

But then some stranger randomly puts their drink on your napkin and the ink runs a little and there is an obnoxious ring cutting thru a key line or two. In other words, things get a bit fuzzy.

In other words, basically the universe you had planned against has conspired against you in a seemingly random way.

Yeah.

The universe is as it is. Despite all your wishes and dreams and desires to disturb or disrupt the universe you, well, you cannot. The universe arranges itself without consulting you or your plans.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have any control of what happens to you nor does it mean you shouldn’t attempt to shape things so you may achieve what you desire, it is just that sometimes you need to rearrange your beliefs.

Now. I write a shitload about maintaining you character and the core of who and what you are as well as maintaining a focus on the more important things <because a shitload of unimportant things are gonna be bright shiny objects that can easily distract you>.

To be clear. The universe is not something that is distracting; it is a consistently inconsistent environment in which distractions appear. Despite that, you need to stay the course of who & what you are and all the while rearranging some of your beliefs with regard to … well … what I will call ‘strategy & tactics.’

Simplistically, in my mind, you reside in this consistent inconsistent universe maintaining your individual ‘brand essence’ <distinctly different than personal branding> and grounded in a sense of purpose, i.e., what you want to contribute and maybe an idea of what matters to you, and rearranging your strategy & tactics to accommodate the universe.

This may sound intellectually challenging and mentally tiring and … well … a lot of work <when you were kind of hoping Life would be a little simpler>.

Well.

It is kind of tiring.

But that is kind of the price of living a full Life, well, okay, maybe at least some kind of ‘non-stagnant’ life.

I imagine everyone has a choice.

Try and stand still and weather the universe as it rearranges itself or attempt to move <forward, sideways, diagonally, or whatever direction you can  – because progress is not always ‘forward’>.

Most of us?

We just go on.

We step forward, backwards, diagonally and sideways, all with an eye on whatever version of progress we may have in our heads.

We do so because … well … what is the alternative?

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“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you.  You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. “

Elizabeth Taylor

Anyway.

It is quite possible that the business of living is grounded in the thought of ‘rearranging your beliefs’ because the universe is certainly not going to rearrange its beliefs.

Ponder <but do some rearranging while doing so>.