====================

“When you’re young you feel like you have to prove a point, and you scream it if you have to.”

Miranda Lambert

——-

Whew.

It is a wacky world we live in. It is one huge cacophony of “squeaky wheels” squeaking over what is important to themselves. Clearly some people are squeaking about the larger collective issues, but there appears to be an inordinate amount of people squeaking about conspiracies, personal opinions and false narratives. the former have the larger interests in mind and the latter seem to be a bit more of ‘self’ in mind. I blame my generation for propagating the ‘the squeaky wheel gets the grease’ mentality but, that said, it makes those of us who prefer ‘speak softly, speak confidently, speak meaningfully’, well, want to scream.

I believe people are getting tired of all the squeaking.

This doesn’t mean the pendulum will swing back to sanity at rocket speed, or even fast at all, in fact it will move more slowly than people like I want mostly because people my age will continue squeaking <the squeaky wheel was their generational wisdom> and espousing the merits of being squeaky.

Suffice it to say this will be another one of those generational tectonic shift things which older people will espouse some wisdom <squeak> and younger people will chafe at the wisdom believing squeaking is just noise and that real issues need meaningful discussions.

The real issues mean you still have to pick your battles, but you still have to speak out when speaking out matters. And, yeah, you gotta scream if you have to.

Basically the desire to scream something is a formula:

having a feeling that something is important

+

frustration

=

the possibility to desire to scream

Many times this desire to scream from young people is driven by wanting to find answers rather than just fucking squeak about shit. We older folk can be quite frustrating at times for young people with our disregard for their questions. Far too often we brush them off as naive or lean back in our comfortable chairs and sagely say “… just wait … you will see and understand” .

But the impatience of youth wants answers now mostly because they struggle to not only see the importance of the squeakiness, but they struggle to see the present as indicative of a better future they want. They know they deserve some answers because they understand that finding some enlightenment, some understanding, permits them to progress a little better off intellectually or knowledge wise to address the next thing in life and shape the future rather than squeak about the present.

It gets frustrating because without some answers the obstacle remains (or remains in some vague outlines) and, well, it makes you want to scream.

I am fairly sure most of us older folk do not address their impatience with any ill intent; we just see impatience and we want to teach patience. I guess the odd thing to me is that we older folk espouse this whole squeaky wheel thing <which is kind of absurd advice in the first place> and then when someone cares enough to squeak and, just like that nagging noise under the hood every time we start our car, we ignore it <until some light pops up on our dashboard>.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that for older folk the desire to scream is … well … shit … almost the same as a younger person <go figure>.

Desire to scream is mostly not about some bravado or self righteousness; it is more about demanding that there are answers to important fundamental issues or demanding to be heard ON the real issues instead of all the squeaky shit.

And maybe that is what screaming is all about. Demanding. Maybe it is about kicking some damn doors down because the damn door needs to be kicked. Sometimes life, and business, gets so frustrating you just wanna start kicking down doors.

And you do.

Well.

Sort of.

Lets say … you try and kick down the doors but at minimum you scream and kick.

Why?

Because it matters. Really matters.

And it matters to you that other people should think it matters to THEIR OWN interests. It is not an “I” things, its a “we” thing.

Now.

I wrote awhile back about ‘protesting for yourself.’ Today’s thought is a slightly different version in that you are protesting for knowledge & progress.

Sure.

It is about yourself, but it is more about going on the offensive rather than defensively protecting yourself against the squeaking issues.

In this case you scream to be heard. You scream because you gotta try. You scream because while things happen that doesn’t mean silence is that answer.

——————–

Rule 1. bad things happen.

Rule 2. You cant change rule number one.

Rule 3. You still gotta try. Even though bad things happen and you cant change that you gotta try.

 Even with all the anger, violence, stupidity & senseless waste … you gotta try.

Wayne Arthurson

——————————–

Anyway. I am clearly in the ‘speak softly, speak confidently, speak meaningfully’ camp.

I believe the whole ‘squeaky wheel’ advice simply encourages nonsensical and less than important squeaking. I believe it encourages noise just for noise sake. I believe it encourages morons to be more loudly moronic.

But maybe that is my point today. You gotta do one things to get to do what you think is the right thing to do. Yeah. In order to effectively ‘speak softly, speak confidently, speak meaningfully’ you also gotta pick your battles, i.e., when to scream.

Because in a world in which we receive 100’s of texts, 100’s of emails, face 100’s of squeaking people all in a matter of 100 minute increments, sometimes you have to just stand there and scream.

And while it is partially to prove a point it is more about a point needs to be made.

Pick your battles wisely and when you do, scream.

But when you do pick a battle … don’t be afraid to scream.

====

“So the universe is not quite as you thought it was.


You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then. Because you certainly can’t rearrange the universe.”

Isaac Asimov

====

We talk about changing the world and ‘rocking the universe’ not only when young, but in discussions where we are thinking about maximizing our potential or maybe we do it simply to convince ourselves we can do something that matters.

In other words …

We have a plan.

Ok. Maybe its not a specific step-by-step plan, but we have a general schematic of a plan which showcases key lines and dimensions of what, where and how.

It is kind of a rough blueprint sketched out on a cocktail napkin.

Uhm.

But then some stranger randomly puts their drink on your napkin and the ink runs a little and there is an obnoxious ring cutting thru a key line or two. In other words, things get a bit fuzzy.

In other words, basically the universe you had planned against has conspired against you in a seemingly random way.

Yeah.

The universe is as it is. Despite all your wishes and dreams and desires to disturb or disrupt the universe you, well, you cannot. The universe arranges itself without consulting you or your plans.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have any control of what happens to you nor does it mean you shouldn’t attempt to shape things so you may achieve what you desire, it is just that sometimes you need to rearrange your beliefs.

Now. I write a shitload about maintaining you character and the core of who and what you are as well as maintaining a focus on the more important things <because a shitload of unimportant things are gonna be bright shiny objects that can easily distract you>.

To be clear. The universe is not something that is distracting; it is a consistently inconsistent environment in which distractions appear. Despite that, you need to stay the course of who & what you are and all the while rearranging some of your beliefs with regard to … well … what I will call ‘strategy & tactics.’

Simplistically, in my mind, you reside in this consistent inconsistent universe maintaining your individual ‘brand essence’ <distinctly different than personal branding> and grounded in a sense of purpose, i.e., what you want to contribute and maybe an idea of what matters to you, and rearranging your strategy & tactics to accommodate the universe.

This may sound intellectually challenging and mentally tiring and … well … a lot of work <when you were kind of hoping Life would be a little simpler>.

Well.

It is kind of tiring.

But that is kind of the price of living a full Life, well, okay, maybe at least some kind of ‘non-stagnant’ life.

I imagine everyone has a choice.

Try and stand still and weather the universe as it rearranges itself or attempt to move <forward, sideways, diagonally, or whatever direction you can  – because progress is not always ‘forward’>.

Most of us?

We just go on.

We step forward, backwards, diagonally and sideways, all with an eye on whatever version of progress we may have in our heads.

We do so because … well … what is the alternative?

====

“You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you.  You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about the business of living. That’s how I’ve done it. There’s no other way. “

Elizabeth Taylor

Anyway.

It is quite possible that the business of living is grounded in the thought of ‘rearranging your beliefs’ because the universe is certainly not going to rearrange its beliefs.

Ponder <but do some rearranging while doing so>.

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“I desire the things which will destroy me in the end.”

Sylvia Plath 

=========== 

“All sins are attempts to fill voids.”

Simone Weil 

===============

Well. We all know at least one person who is always trying too hard. Or maybe they always seem to be overcompensating for something. Or even that they know they are ‘not as good as’ and spend far too much time trying to convince everyone they are at least better than maybe we know they are at something.

We like these people because we like the overall sense that someone is dissatisfied with the present person and seeking a better person.

We don’t like these people because we don’t like the overall sense of desperation and the trappings that often come with it.

We look at these people and … well … we think about ourselves and the crazy shit we do.

Let’s face it. Life makes us do a lot of crazy shit.

Okay. It doesn’t actually “make” us. It just full-throatedly encourages us to do some crazy shit.

It does so because it makes us desire  a shitload of things that can chip away at the better version of ourselves. And by better version I don’t mean external stuff but internal stuff … soul, integrity & character. But life has a nasty habit of encouraging us to think more about external stuff than internal stuff.

The size of your bank account.

How you look and what you wear and whether you sport Gap or Brooks Brothers.

The size of your house and whether you have gold drapes or Pier1 window hangings.

This kind of crap can screw you up let alone destroy you. You can get so caught up in what Life is whispering in your ear as what is important over time that is all you can hear and see.

Life becomes almost a parody of itself.

‘Less is more’ becomes the mantra of everything but to you, personally, where ‘more’ just seems to look less & less. Life can twist you into a pretzel trying to match up with all the external trappings of what it suggests you should desire. And as you get twisted all it really does is squeeze out character & integrity & principles drop by drop as Life twists harder and harder.

And as you get this squeezed out of you, well, you will naturally get thirsty.  Therein lies the big Life choice: what do you drink?

What do I mean?

Remember that kid you knew growing up who was always the bully, always the exaggerator, always the one trying so hard to show everyone how great they were? Well. At some point they realize that they are thirsty. Either thirsty for more or thirsty for what is getting squeezed out of them.

Now. That said. Don’t think Life is standing by silently.  All the while Life will whisper sweet nothings in that kid’s ear telling them what to drink to stay on their path to a ‘better person’ <and it is most likely the sweetest, least healthy alternative>.

Look. At some point we all get thirsty, even that young bully, and your Life gets energized by what you choose to drink <and I could suggest you get addicted to what you drink at a fairly early age>.

That said.

What I do know is that almost all of us end up being constantly nudged to believe we neither have enough nor are we enough.

And it is within those ‘not enough’ spaces, the voids if you wish to call them, in which we commit our gravest sins.

We commit our sins most often as we overreach.

Okay. We are tempted to overreach — in our words, our resumes, our successes, even our recaps of our ‘what we did today’ lists.

Some overreach more than others, but, we all get tempted. And, just as I noted above, it is explainable and understandable. When Life is trying to constantly tell you ‘not enough’ you will constantly be trying to showcase ‘more than enough.’ That is a natural response.

And this is where people separate themselves into two basic generalized groups:

those who define how they matter <enough> by an internal balance sheet

versus

those who define how they matter <enough> by an external balance sheet.

I am not suggesting it has to be 100%, internal or external, because most of us figure out how to commit as few ‘sins’ as possible and try and manage what they desire in a way they don’t ultimately get destroyed by their desires. Most of us figure out our ‘best version’ is pretty good; maybe less than some but more than others.

=============

“And so we all matter – maybe less than a lot, but always more than some.”

John Green

============

But some people truly do end up in the 100% column.

It is quite possible someone like the Pope is close to the internal 100% judgement, but I imagine a lot of people actually slide close to this Life self-framing. It comes with some external expenses, but a shitload of people are willing to sacrifice those things because they know the gold curtains fade, the money can be lost and the houses can burn down.  External trappings can only provide so much comfort.

On the other end of the spectrum are the hollow people. They look glitzy. They sound confident <if not arrogant or blowhards>. They have all the trappings of success. But their sacrifice is whatever internal compass that can guide goodness or true fairness as well as empathy & compassion. They have sacrificed counting internal cues because external cues are all that count.  All the while they are trying too hard, seem to be overcompensating for something and spending a shitload of time trying to convince everyone they are at least better than maybe we know they are at something. They fill their spaces with sins and laud them as virtues.

All that said. We all know at least one person who is always trying too hard.

This is the person who desires the things which will destroy me in the end.

This is the person whose sins are attempts to fill voids.

This is the person we know, & often wish we could change, but is quite possibly the most unchangeable person we know.

We all have voids.

We just need to be very very careful that what we fill that void with doesn’t destroy us in the end.

Ponder.

Capitalism is a ruthless psychological motherfucker.

What I mean by that is almost any sane, quasi-reflective , person will sit back at some point and ask the question ‘when I got duped into becoming an accumulator of things?”

Try this on for size:

“… we, and by that I mean most of humanity since the Neolithic, have been duped into believing that life must be lived by accumulating. This is simply an ideological lie. Is it impossible to imagine a world lived by the economics of the gift? Even the most cursory look at various enduring cultures around the world shows us that people (who are left alone to do so) living lives according to deeper principles are more content, more spiritually rounded, less troubled by existential angst, than by westerners tricked into believing in the ideologies of power and wealth.” 

comment in The Guardian about Materialism

Well. I will begin with acknowledging there is a shitload of psychological research that seems to support the fact that materialism <accumulating shit> doesn’t make us happier <psychologically>. The gobs of research suggests that materialism, a characteristic that reaches both rich and poor and researchers define as “a value system that is preoccupied with possessions and the social image they project”, is both socially destructive and self-destructive.

It’s associated with stress, anxiety, depression and even how personal relationships can be affected.

In fact there has long been a correlation observed between materialism, a lack of empathy and engagement with others, and unhappiness and research is reinforcing this by showing causation.

For example, a series of studies published in the journal Motivation and Emotion showed that as people become more materialistic, their wellbeing <good relationships, autonomy, sense of purpose and the rest> diminishes.

As they become less materialistic, unhappiness rises.

I say all of this to say … well … Nuts.

Nuts to the comment I began with.

Nuts that maybe I should be smarter.

Nuts that maybe I have been duped.

Its all a bunch of crap.

I haven’t been duped.

I have a mind of my own.

And do I really not know when I am unhappy? <and why I may be unhappy>

Yup.

Ok.

For the most part … yup.

I believe most of us understand that it is a dreadful mistake allowing ourselves to believe that having just having more money and more stuff enhances our wellbeing.

Oddly, despite the fact we poor everyday schmucks know this, this ‘have more’ belief appears to not only be embraced by those poor deluded people in movies, but by almost every member of almost every government <and civilization>.

How can this be?

Worldly ambition, material aspiration, perpetual growth … taken in and of itself … is a formula for mass unhappiness and, yet, it seems to be the main plot for almost every narrative out there.

That said. I have not been duped.

If I enter the rat race then I have chosen to be a rat.

If I choose to compete with the Joneses than I have chosen to be one of the Joneses.

Society hasn’t duped me into doing so.

Business hasn’t duped me into doing so.

Social media hasn’t duped me into doing so.

I am certainly not suggesting that all of the above aren’t relentlessly attempting to dupe me into believing all their bullshit, but, if I decide to follow an ‘ideology of wealth and power’ than that is my choice.

And you know what?

For the most part I don’t have to choose that game if I don’t want and I can still be successful.

Do I believe the game is rigged in some form or fashion?

Yes.

Do I believe that the game is easier won if you decide to play the wealth & power game?

You bet.

Not choosing to do so is like swimming against the tide in some form or fashion. It’s not easier, but it can still be done.

But the bottom line.

Do I feel like I have been duped into becoming an accumulator? Shit no.

If I truly believed that then I disregard free will, free choice and self-interest <balancing moral and material>.

Do I believe there should be a balance of moralism and materialism?

Absolutely.

But.

Here’s the deal.

Having a thread of materialism tends to make a better society through creating better and smarter stuff <innovation> and businesses attempting to address real human needs..

That last sentence will not go down well with some people but, yes, i am suggesting consumption can drive some innovation.

But being duped? C’mon. I am not buying it.

I think I am smart enough <and most people> not to accumulate stupid thinking.

============

“Community is the fact that we work toward the same goal, that we accept our respective roles in order to reach it.

Values is the fact we trust each other.

And, culture?

Culture is as much about what we encourage as what we actually permit. That matters because most people don’t do what we tell them to. They do what we let them get away with.”

Fredrick Backman

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“You don’t know what you can get away with until you try.”

Colin Powell

=================

Well. The relationship between secrets and culture and community is one which is fraught with contradictions, conflict and humanness.

I imagine this conflict is driven by the natural chafing between self-interest and community <I have called this community individualism & Enlightened Individualism in the past>.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We talk a lot about community and team and all of that good stuff. And we talk about it with good intentions. The problem is that true community demands some sacrifice.

Therein lies our big secrets.

On occasion we decide self-interest is more important than sacrifice.

Uhm.

This is a version of ‘what you can get away with.’

That phrase sounds horribly horrible. It suggests nefarious type behavior. But the truth of it is most of us see what we can get away with on some very personal day-to-day less-than-nefarious type stuff.

• We cut some corners.

• We maybe don’t tell people how we truly feel <or who we truly are>.

• We steal some post-it notes.

These are our little secrets.

We may even have some bigger personal secrets that we decide are just not things we want to share <these are not nefarious … just personal>.

Regardless.

For many of us our behavior arcs toward what we can get away with. That doesn’t mean it is completely unethical, or some abhorrent behavior, just that while norms set a ‘median’ standard guideline Life is constantly suggesting ‘but this one time you can get away with doing this.”

Which leads me back to the real issue.

The issue resides with the friction between culture and community and self. What I mean by that is the stronger & more powerful the cultural community norm is the bigger your secret becomes if you avoid the norms. This secret takes on exponential size if you start believing that the norms that are good for you are good and the ones that don’t match up with what you believe is your self-interest are bad.

You only accept the existence of the formal and informal cultural norm structure that constitutes accepted community construct, uhm, only as long as that suits your purposes.

Your big secret, therefore, doesn’t have to do with your own behavior, but rather in your non-belief ,if not overall disdain, for the community norms.

Which leads me to hate.

Why hate?

When you decide to see what you can get away with, you have to mentally divide community into “we” and “they.” And in doing so you make ‘we’ good <which suggests what you can get away with is on the side of good> and, conversely, you make ‘they’ bad.

This is a simplistic tactic for attempting to carry the burden of a big secret.

Hate is simple and hate can be an incredibly powerful empowering emotion.

Why?

In this scenario, using hate, the world becomes much easier to understand and less confusing, in the scheme of things, if you divide everything into friends & enemies, good & evil, right & wrong and a basic we & they.

This helps us because the world is strewn with conflict. Not just physical war, but of ideas, thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. Cultures, communities and classes are bombarded with conflict after conflict. And maybe because of the sheer amount of conflict one of the first things we do is pick sides. We choose a side to stand on because … well … it is easier. It is easier than thinking or, even more difficult, trying to hold parts of two ideas which appear in conflict in our heads at the same time. And once we have chosen a side we then go out and seek some information, or ‘facts’, to confirm not only what we believe but the side we have chosen – this permits us to maintain the status quo and chug along with Life as ‘normal.’

Oh. Yeah.

And then we proceed to do is demonize, or dehumanize, the other side. We diminish them. Make them, their thoughts & ideas, lesser than.

……. making “they” smaller ……..

I would suggest this all just makes you smaller as a person <carrying around a big secret>.

Which leads me to say that big secrets make small people.

Yeah. Unfortunately all of us become smaller with a big secret.

And this smallness is compounded by the unfortunate fact that you become even smaller when ‘we’ are the people who others HAVE to keep big secrets from because they believe, and know, we cannot handle them <or don’t believe in them>.

All secrets carry a weight to them.

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“To agree to keep a secret is to assume a burden.”

Sam Harris

===

In fact I could argue that all knowledge is a burden. It carries a weight of responsibility with regard to what you do with it, how you act because you have it, as well as how you think about you, and others, with it. Oh. Secrets ARE knowledge.

Having accepted knowledge you have made an agreement with it. I tend to believe we don’t think about this. We accept knowledge as … well … maybe like income earned – disposable income in fact. We worked for it, we earned it and it is now ours to spend as we choose.

But knowledge is actually more like freedom. It is an unalienable right, but it is also a privilege and therefore one assumes a responsibility to it.

Uhm.

And with responsibility comes burden. Which almost sounds odd in that something with ‘free’ in it also carries such a heavy burden. Maybe I should just suggest that nothing really comes for free, i.e., everything has something attached to it.

Knowledge?

Responsibility. The burden of responsibility. And that is a weight you carry. One which can be as light or as heavy as you make it. But. It is a weight nonetheless. One which you learn to carry well or carry poorly.

Knowledge tests our ability and our character with regard to how well we can carry this weight. It tests how strong we are .. once again … in ability and in character.

Having said that <and most likely having a number of people feeling a little uncomfortable thinking about knowledge that way>.

Secrets are a completely different level of a knowledge burden.

And secrets are tricky.

• Some are thrust upon you — unwanted but yet yours nonetheless.
• Some are gifted you — carefully shared by someone who believes the weight it carries is too much for themselves … alone.
• Some are just yours — built by you and carried by you.

But regardless of how you assume the responsibility of a secret; it is also knowledge. And therefore it also carries a burden, a responsibility, and a weight.

I don’t have the scale to weigh them, but my guess is that a knowledge secret exponentially weighs more than a traditional knowledge.

I also don’t have any research, but I also tend to believe, just like extra physical weight, as soon as we start feeling the extra weight of a secret … we seek to shed it.

Therein lies the true test of character.

Therein lies how big secrets can make small people.

All knowledge tests you. Secrets test you even more.

Knowledge, and secrets, take a strength of self to carry its weight.

The weight of responsibility of having the knowledge, the weight of freedom knowledge typically gives us and the weight of character that knowledge either makes you bigger or makes you smaller.

Whew.

That is a lot of extra weight we have accepted by taking on these secrets.

Which leads me to good.

As in good people doing good things. And as in good versus almost good.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that sometimes very thin line between good and almost-good can make a massive difference in life. That sometimes very thin line can decide whether your secret makes you bigger or smaller.

Look.

If you are clever enough, even if you embrace community, you can get away with a shitload of stuff. But cleverness does not eliminate the fact you gain a bigger secret burden with every action.

And you know what?

The “community” knows we struggle with this a individuals. In fact it has even created some ‘auxiliary precautions’ to help us avoid unnecessary secrets.

Huh?

This is James Madison’s Federalist Paper #51 or “if men were angels” argument:

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If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself. A dependence on the people is, no doubt, the primary control on the government; but experience has taught mankind the necessity of auxiliary precautions.

=================

We are no angels as people.

Secrets bear that truth out.

And … well … we all carry secrets.

And … the bigger the secrets the smaller we become.

Ponder.

 ===============

“Cause and effect are two sides of the same fact.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

===============

So. Emerson’s work influenced nearly every generation of thinker, writer and poet since his time. He was a philosopher, lecturer, writer and poet and considered one of the great orators of all time. He was a champion of “individualism” or the ownership of personally owning one’s own ‘cause & effect’ if I stick with that theme. In other words each of us is responsible for what happens (actions and causes).

And I love his thought on cause:

“The ancestor of every action is a thought.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thought to action. Simple. Thoughtful. Something we should keep in mind. In fact I would argue this may be the only truly important reflective thinking we should do. Huh? We spend gobs of time on naval gazing self reflection of who I want to be, how good a person am I?, crap like that. But how often do we vigorously reflect on the ancestors of our actions? Not enough I would suggest. Rummage around for what you were thinking or, more specifically, what was the thought that beget the whole string of actions which got you to this point of reflection.

Anyway. Oliver Wendell Holmes once called his 1837 speech The American Scholar as America’s “Intellectual Declaration of Independence.” Independence, to Emerson, pertained to an individual’s cause and affect. Or maybe better said “self reliance” (which is probably his most well known essay). Fate or chance was not part of his vocabulary. A key repeating theme in his thinking was the need for each individual to avoid conformity and and what he called  “false consistency.” He encouraged individuals to follow his or her own instincts and ideas.

In fact. Self reliance is the source of one of Emerson’s most famous quotes, “a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.”

What I absolutely LOVE about Emerson’s “self reliance” idea is that it is not anything near anti-society or anti-community or anti-group. To him, self reliance is anti – nothing. Instead it is pro-me/you/I. He consistently advocated self-reliance as a starting point for people and not seek it as a goal.

THAT, my friends, is an awesome thought.

He encouraged people to retain the outspokenness of a small child who freely speaks his mind because he has not yet been corrupted by adults who tell him to do otherwise.

He encouraged people to avoid envying or imitating others viewed as models of perfection.

He encouraged people to take pride in their own individuality and never be afraid to express their own original ideas.

He encouraged people to refuse to conform to the ways of the popular culture and its “shallow ideals.”

He encouraged people to live up to their own ideals even if doing so reaps them criticism and denunciation.

Whew.

Good stuff for all of us. I guess my point here is you, each of us, every individual, is responsible for every ‘effect’ in our lives assuming we step up to the plate and act like an individual and be who we are and act like who we are <rather than follow like lemmings over a society cultural cliff>. The point is self reliance isn’t a badge of independence it is simply an attitude that embraces responsibility without ego <note: the ego inevitably would make it a “me versus we” zero sum game attitude>.

Lastly.

I have written several things about moments and taking advantage of seconds or minutes as opportunities to go “do.” Emerson, in his belief in individuality, may have scoffed at my literary technique, but he would have certainly given a rousing “hear hear!” <I assume that is what they did in those days> to the intent behind the thoughts I have been writing.

And with that here is one of my favorite Emerson poems. Favorite in that it is about the opportunity each day represents to each of us … and the disdain “Day” must feel if we waste it:

===

Days by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Daughters of Time, the hypocritic Days,
Muffled and dumb like barefoot dervishes,
And marching single in an endless file,
Bring diadems and fagots in their hands.
To each they offer gifts after his will,
Bread, kingdoms, stars, and sky that holds them all.
I, in my pleached garden, watched the pomp,
Forgot my morning wishes, hastily
Took a few herbs and apples, and the Day
Turned and departed silent. I, too late,
Under her solemn fillet saw the scorn.

—-

“If I have gained anything … it is the knowledge there is no starting over – only living with the mistakes you’ve made.”

Jodi Picoult

—

“It is so hard to leave — until you leave.

And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”

John Green

—

Almost everything in life (and business) can be encapsulated in beginnings, ends & what is in between. Everything occurs there. So when I speak of starting over I am also talking about ends.

Or conclusions.

Or when enough is enough.

And where you go when you have reached ‘enough is enough’. Now, some people suggest that point should be called ‘starting over’. I don’t but suffice it to say starting over is not only big business, but it may actually be part of our DNA.

Yup.

I think part of America’s DNA  is a belief anyone can reinvent themselves. We write books about it, give seminars on it, share trite inspirational ramblings on it and invest gobs of energy on it.

Well.

Look.

I don’t believe in starting over. To me it implies you can leave some stuff behind, wipe the slate clean as they say <whoever ‘they’ is>, but reality is you never really leave shit behind.

What do I mean?

I think Life is like a puzzle. You are given some pieces and you pick up some pieces as you progress. And it is just part of Life that sometimes all the pieces just don’t fit. But here’s the deal. Once you pick up a piece it has your fingerprints on it.

And even if you try to discard what you see as a useless piece … you cannot. The pieces are sticky.

It is possible in reading that you may think I am suggesting being more careful about what puzzle pieces you accumulate.

I am not.

Picking up puzzle pieces is just part of living Life.

Suffice it to say you are never really finished putting a puzzle together. You are always looking at new pieces and picking up new pieces. Now. On occasion it may feel like you have almost put your puzzle together only to find some pieces that don’t fit <and they may have even actually fit in the past>. Yeah. Puzzle pieces can change. Oh. And sometimes you can actually want a piece to fit, but it won’t fit into the space you’ve designated for it. Yeah. It gets challenging.

But beyond the actual pieces, and going back to the whole ‘reinvention’ or starting over idea, you can’t really discard the puzzle and start over.

Pieces? Sure.

The puzzle? Nope.

To be clear. We may want to get rid of the fucking puzzle. We may look at the puzzle we have put together, or let’s say, tried to put together, or maybe it is just a big nasty pile of pieces staring at us in the face … and say “shit, where did I go wrong?”

Well.

This is one of the few times you have permission to sit, maybe cry a little … and certainly think about how your life may have gone awry.

I don’t mean that you should wallow in pity that things look like they didn’t go your way. I’m just saying that it’s okay to sit and be unhappy that you sucked at putting the fucking puzzle together well.

It’s okay to be upset.

But you are stuck with much of the puzzle you have invested in. Yeah. That thought will make almost anyone unhappy.  But maybe it is good to get upset and let all the frustrated, disappointed, sad feelings out because when you’re done, maybe you get angry. And when you get angry, maybe you decide to do something about it.

Here is the good part of my whole ‘there is no starting over’ and this Life puzzle thought.

There is always another piece – choice, option and way out <forward> – around you waiting to be picked up. So when I say I think starting over is bullshit I am not suggesting that you give up nor am I suggesting that “life is out of my control” or that it is too big to do anything about it.

Because I hate it when people say things are “out of their control.”

That’s bullshit.

And it is simply an excuse to not go after what they want.

Pieces are all around so go after what you want, do something about the crappy puzzle you have put together to date, but, that is not starting over. It is about moving forward, accepting what you have done up to that point, sifting through all of it and gathering up the good <because there is no way in hell you have made 100% bad decisions and have 100% ‘wrong’ puzzle pieces in your puzzle> and starting to build a new version of the puzzle you have already started.

Inevitably this is about making some choices and making some new decisions <that are good for you>.

Now. There is another sort of tough thing to grasp when it comes to this not starting over, but rebuilding your puzzle idea. People around you see different things in the puzzle you have already built and some of them have ideas about it.  That only matters because what sucks about making decisions that are good for you is that not everyone is going to be happy with the decisions nor the results. Nor is much of the world going to be paying attention … because they will be making their own decisions and doing their own thing. Who cares? Its your puzzle, your life and your responsibility to self.

Starting over doesn’t mean picking up and moving, maybe it’s an attitude change, maybe a shift in your mindset, maybe its just a change of heart or a new outlook on life. All of those things give you a new outlook on your puzzle.

Anyway. Here is what I know.

This whole starting over thing drives me a little nuts.

I don’t like the thought of thinking of everything as a do-over.

Sure. You always get another chance, heck, that is what Life is all about. But you don’t get to ‘do over’ something, you just get to do something else.

I think it is better, and healthier, to accept the fact you can’t wipe the slate clean. All you can really do is to stop and understand why you are the way that you are and how you got to where you are.

Oh. I said ‘stop,’ and not ‘take a step back.

Purposefully I may add.

Why?

Most times we are seeking to understand what we have done and at the same time try and put something behind you.

That said.

It seems silly to step back, but instead maybe just stop.

Semantics? Maybe. But stopping means pause, assess, evaluate, look around.

Shove the shit that is actually behind you <no sense stepping back and reliving it> or to the side or, even better, into some storage bin <and, once again, I purposefully do not suggest ‘burning or destroying’ … it is what it is … you cannot destroy your past>. You are storing away anything that is adding weight to your load and impedes your progress.

This suggests you also have to quit over thinking everything and anything.

I say that because any winning, even in Life, is part thinking and part instinctual. It’s a balance.

Happiness is almost exactly the same. Maybe because happiness is partially about … well … winning.

And I don’t mean tangible shit <money, stuff, trophies, cars, etc.>, but rather satisfaction in oneself <meaning, mattering and purpose>.

—

“Happiness is simple. Everything we do to find it is complicated. “

Karen Maezen Miller

—

Which leads me to the fact you actually have to give yourself the opportunity for satisfaction.

What I mean by that is if you sit and think through every possible scenario, dissect every decision into meaningless scraps <ultimately making the decision you need to make completely unrecognizable>, it doesn’t make anything better.

It just makes everything worse.

To be clear.

Yes.

You still need to make decisions based on logic and practicality.

No.

Not all decisions need to be analyzed so hard.

In fact. That is probably the main reason all this ‘starting over’ stuff is bullshit.

Decisions in life, and in general, are iterative. One decision changes the entire context within which the next decision is to be made.

And that insight alone kills the concept of starting over.

Once you have begun your puzzle you need to just, well, go.  Maybe not forward … but going. You really cannot go back.

—

“As I reflect back on the lion’s share of my life, it feels I have been fighting a battle I couldn’t win.

It always seemed my opponent was one step ahead of me.

Only when I surrendered, and started my life all over, did I discover that my opponent was me. “

williamchapmanwritings

—

With all due respect to williamchapmanwritings, you never really surrender in Life. You actually “reflect on the move.”

How do I know that?

Because if we didn’t we would constantly be run over. And most of us don’t have tread marks just dents from where we get bumped by Life. Our self, in some form or fashion, keeps going despite the dents.

Which leads me to self.

Our opponent in the battle in Life is really … well … me. Us. Me, myself & I.

The whole trite concept of ‘starting over’ is 99% of the time all about self.

What does that mean? There is no starting over, just adapting.

I imagine this also means Life is exactly what you make it out to be.

You.

No one else.

And maybe that is why there is no starting over. There is no rebirth and there is no new childhood, there is just “where do I go from here?” Yeah. “I” go from here. Don’t start over, just start going. Ponder.

=========

“Stop going to your #dark place.  The older you get, the more happiness becomes a conscious decision you have to make every day.

You can’t expect to automatically feel good when you wake up.  It’s something you have to work toward.”

Ryan O’Connell

=============

“The truth is, I pretend to be a cynic, but I am really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get.”

Joanna Hoffman

=======================

So. When we get up in the morning it is a decision … it is a decision to not stay down.

In fact.

Every day you decide to get up you have either consciously, or subconsciously, decided that Life was not going to keep you down.

In the grander scheme of things that sure seems like a pretty important decision.

And, yet, we don’t invest a shitload of energy thinking about it.

Most of us think of facing each day as a responsibility.

Kind of a basic survival duty.

I imagine we do so mostly as a sanity tactic.

For if you stay down … don’t get up … you are inevitably faced with the decisions you have made up to that point <as well as the fact you will not be able to pay the bills>. And, to refer to my first quote, this means as you get older you have more and more decisions you will have to face.

Time is rarely your friend with regard to contemplating your decisions.

I say that because, well, because here is what almost 99% of us do on a daily basis — we decide what we will cede in terms of what we know, or believe, is the right thing to do.

Yeah.

We compromise a little on ‘principles.’ Well. At least our principles.

Sure.

Most of the time it is okay because the organizational, the business, principles give us some slightly-to-more-expansive boundaries from which we can assess what we should do or not do.

But even within that “okay space” we are far too often trapped in the wretched hollow space of a decision of ‘what will you surrender today for the hope of the win tomorrow’ <and the tomorrow may just be something somewhere beyond the horizon>.

Some may call this ‘moral relativism.’ They would most likely be the intellectuals, philosophers and people who don’t really do shit for work in their Life.

For most of us everyday schmucks it is a combination of survival “if I don’t do this I will not get that” and dreamer “I will go ahead and do this because someday………….<fill in blank> “

As we face each day we realize that we are facing more than that day. We realize our actions can suppress our ultimate dreams or they can empower a dream to come to Life, well, not today, but some day in the future.

Now.

None of us really know our future and what it holds so the decision today takes on some sense of urgency of ‘well, this MAY be really fucking important with regard to my survival/dream so I gotta do what I gotta do.’

Whew.

Today can look really huge with regard to tomorrow in this case.

I chuckled <a little painfully> as I typed that last sentence.

I am reminded of what President Bush said in 2008: “abandoned free market principles to save the free market.”

On a daily basis we are faced with questions of “what we will abandon to save our future & our dreams.”

And we do what we feel like we have to do, using principles mostly not as a “stop or go” sign, but rather as some slightly nebulous guardrails we can maneuver around within.

And then we leave to face another day.

When taken on a daily basis it is relatively easy to face the day.

When viewed over a longer term it can become relatively difficult to face the next day.  Maybe that is why most of us get up and face the day each & every day – the alternative doesn’t seem so appealing. Maybe that is the ‘dark place’ that we know is there and avoid it the best that we can.

Here is what I know for sure.

Every day you face you have one authority — the authority over your actions and attitudes and behaviors.

You have the authority over what you will do and will not do.

You have the authority over your principles and morals and whether you will abandon them or not.

Uhm.

You should note one key thing on the whole abandoning thing.

Once abandoned is always abandoned.

There is no true ‘just this once’ abandoning of principles. Once crumpled principles are forever wrinkled.

And, yet, it seems like each day we are faced with some choice to surrender our moral authority and cede the principled battlefield under the belief that by doing so “the day will be saved.”

How wrong that thought is. For in surrendering that day we will have already been lost.

Anyway.

Maybe getting up every day has nothing to do with moral relativism and more about just doing the shit you need to do.

Maybe we really are just cucumbers with anxiety.

But.

Maybe it is a little something more we should think about on occasion. Because maybe we are really a dreamer who is terrified of wanting something she may never get and in our terror as we face each day we lose the one thing which makes our dreams look small – our moral authority & principles.

Ponder.

=================

“When we first met … you asked me a question to which I gave a stupid answer, you asked me whether I wanted to live and I said “Yes.“

Actually, Miss Page, I want more, much more. I want to create, to make something big out of something little.”

Boris Lermontov

===================

Ah.

Maybe I am cynical.

Maybe I am simply becoming a curmudgeon.

Maybe I am actually right on this topic.

I think pop psychology makes us lazy with regard to how we view life. We are encouraged to ‘be positive’ and ‘live life to its fullest’ and be happy we are alive. Pretty much nice sounding pabulum. And pretty much useless advice.

I am not suggesting we should all be pessimistic, but all the positive thinking shit establishes some fairly unrealistic expectations.

Which leads me to what you should expect.

It is also sometimes suggested that Life is big & full, therefore, living it fills up so much space and time that if you do just that, live it,  you should be satisfied because, what the hell, there isn’t a whole lot more room for anything else because it is so big & full just by living it. This seems to suggest that simply living life, and making it through life, is some achievement in and of itself. I will not argue that simply surviving can be a skill, but that’s kind of like at the bottom of the Maslow expectation in Life pyramid.

Well.

Maybe we shouldn’t look at Life, in itself, as something so big & full that there isn’t room for anything else.

Maybe Life is littler than we think. Little moments. Little experiences. Little people. Little lies. Little truths. Little color. Little things that make up what we call our current Life.

Maybe we should want more.

No. No maybe. We should want more … much more.

We should want to create. Create something. And I don’t mean make something, but rather create, fashion, something big out of something little.

This is probably the one place in our sometimes self indulgent world where I wish more of us actually weren’t comfortable with what we have … and wanted more.

Instead of settling we want more.

Instead of settling for what is we want more of what could be.

From our little space in the universe we shouldn’t settle for little but seek some big impact or contribution.

Oh. About “little.” The truth is most of Life is made up of little things. Therefore, if you don’t do anything else but live it, well, in the end i imagine you live a little life. That may sound harsh so let me soften it a bit. If you don’t do anything but live Life, the Life you live will not be as big as it could be <that’s kind of like optimizing its potential>. That said. I’m fairly sure no one wants to purposefully live a little Life so maybe we should desire to make something big out of something little.

Maybe we should embrace the thought we are all architects of our own lives.

Maybe we should purposefully seek to build something big.

Maybe the pursuit of “what could be” is Purpose in and of itself.

Maybe ‘much more’ isn’t things but rather doing things that make little big.

Maybe, just maybe, you should want more … much more.

========================

“What I fear I avoid.

What I fear I pretend does not exist.

What I fear is quietly killing me.

Would there were a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me, what is lost in me.

Let the light in before it is too late. “

 Jeanette Winterson from “The Green Man”

===================

“Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.”

Unknown

==============

Well <part 1>.

I just read a an article in one of those local papers you can pick up at Healthy Grocery stores which attempted to discuss how this time of the year <October/November/December> is the season of ‘decay and death’ … and how it was a potent time to connect with the dead <and highlighted several celebrations around the world which do just that>.

This thought was combined with the thought we human folk balk at connecting with death because it … well … seems morbid to do so.

and summer regrets

               getting rid

       of winter wishes

summer and i

=======

Well <part 2>.

I balk at the whole concept of ‘decay & death’ as well as the ‘morbid‘ thought.

Simplistically, seasons remind of us the cycle of Life <not death> and that death, in and of itself a sad event, contains at its very core the very simple concept that without Death, there is no Life. This was immortalized in pop culture by Blood Sweat & Tears in their absolutely fabulous song “and when I die”:

====

And when I die and when I’m dead, dead and gone,
there’ll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.

I’m not scared of dying and I don’t really care.
If it’s peace you find in dying, well, then let the time be near.
If it’s peace you find in dying, when dying time is here,
just bundle up my coffin cause it’s cold way down there,
I hear that’s it’s cold way down there, yeah, crazy cold way down there.
And when I die and when I’m gone,
there’ll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.

====

While each Life is a stepping stone for every future generation each death represents a stepping stone for … well … the future.

I don’t need any Eastern religion wisdom to remind me of this, I think we all know this.

Now, I will admit that connecting with this thought is much much easier for us when we remove any personalized death and accept it as simply a turning of generations. Therefore, one of the reasons we do not celebrate death is because it can get too personal. And if that is a reason it sure as hell is a good one.

But death itself?

While death is something we dislike, facing seasons remain something we must face year in and year out. It is a constant affirmation of the turning of time and that some things we may have gained will most likely be inevitably lost in the natural turn of time.

And, yes, as we near January 1st, I am reminded that Winter is the time of Life’s strategic retreat and conservation of what gives it all life.

It is not death. And it is not decay.

It is Life’s thoughtful way to insure its existence and survival.

It is the time of incubation and rest and restoration for all things to come in the following year.

I could also suggest that winter is a time of reflection and, well, comfort. In winter’s dark nights the stars are at their clearest and we have the opportunity to see them as the sparks of potential and wishes and dreams and Life. Uhm. And dreaming is never a bad thing particularly during the ‘ebb tide of seasonal Life.’

I will not argue that as Life recedes in autumn and rests in winter we do, at least emotionally, get closer to connecting with death, but I do balk at thinking of autumn & winter as ‘things associated with death.’

I would argue it actually does a nice job of reminding us we need to let go of things. and, sure, maybe we connect with ‘the dead’ better at this time because it reminds us to celebrate what we had and embrace letting go.

And that is the thing about winter, it demands to not only be felt but also that you meet it on its terms. Even better Winter demands us to let go of things we most typically hold onto with ragged claws.

You cannot refuse its existence and you cannot ignore what was because what is … is … well … is starkly different. Where Life was once obvious it is now starkly absent.

I would note that all Eastern mysticism and ‘being in touch with the universe’ and the ‘natural ebb of the earth’ and all that stuff, at its core, just suggests that we pay attention. In other words, pay attention to whatever energy seasons give us and more often than not that energy it gives us is … uhm … just good ole fashioned thinking. It gives us the energy to think about our lives, lives lost and lives yet to be lived.

Acknowledgement of all of that increases your overall connection not just with ‘the universe’, but rather to the eternal pattern of life and invests a sense of energy into pretty much everything <yourself and Life>.

And just as Death breaks things down to the bare essence, winter does the same.

And maybe that is the connection.

When things are at their barest, when we are drawn closer to endings rather than beginnings, we inevitably ponder the ‘great perhaps.’

Back in September I wrote this on the first day of Fall:

I think we all seek a great perhaps of “what I know can be”. I think we all know what a better world really looks like. I think we all want to see the beauty that can be found in what is better in everyone.

And maybe it is within Fall and the falling leaves we begin to better grasp that failed plans and failed dreams can beget new plans and new dreams. And maybe it is within Winter where , in ts barest of bare essences, we are forced to begin envisioning what could be in plans and dreams because it is left to us standing in the bare environment around us.

What I do know about all seasons is that they are markers of Time and, poetically speaking, Time is always hungry for many of the things we dearly want to endure and do.

This makes Time both beautiful and doomed. Yeah. Time is beautiful and doomed. And that is where I really believe the whole ‘morbid time of the year’ goes astray.

for it seems all of Fall’s stars

                       have fallen

and often summer and i

run through the last warm days

through the cool grass

       gathering stars caught in people’s dreams

with the intent

           to toss them to Winter

through windows of dawn.

Summer & i

======

We, especially in the West, hunger for time.

Conversely, time itself <to us Western folk> has a hunger and its hunger is for ‘things.’

It is a nasty emptiness waiting to be filled.

Well.

If there is one thing humans are fucking great at, it is filling time and stuffing whatever we can into any emptiness we can find.

Death and dying makes us reflect. It forces us to do so. Just as the bare often starkness of Winter does.

And it makes us reflect on what ‘stuff’ we have crammed into whatever Time we have had.

Oh. Maybe what it really forces us to do is reflect upon time. and that is where death truly makes us feel uncomfortable, not any morbid feeling, but rather it’s just that we have been indoctrinated to focus on living, living life to its fullest, not wasting any time, to do lists that never get completed and just doing shit <just do it!>.

Nowhere in that list of shit I just shared does death have a place. In fact. Death represents the exact opposite of everything society & our culture almost demands we think about 24/7.

And when forced to face death, or feel a need to connect, we are much less likely to celebrate but rather assess … assess our ‘doing mantra’ versus ‘stop.’

Look.

Most of us don’t purposefully ignore connecting with death and those who have passed away because of sadness <because if it were we would be more likely to actually do it because the opposite of sadness is reflecting upon the inevitable happiness>, but rather because death and past lives force us to reflect upon our ‘doing accomplishment’ <as well as it forces us to stop … which compounds the feeling of ‘shit, I haven’t done enough and I am not doing anything now’>.

Yeah.

If you can get beyond the ‘doing’ aspect, inherently death is more about sadness <loss of something or someone or time> more so than morbidity. Conquer the sadness and you have conquered death.

And all of this is just not that difficult <if you are willing to actually think about it>.

Several cultures do celebrate the autumnal solstice as the time life & death is closest. I would argue it is less a celebration but rather recognition of that which came before, and that which is dying, so that what will be will come forth.

Generations beget generations just as falls beget springs.

Death begets life.

This doesn’t mean we should celebrate impending death but rather recognize, even in sadness, life & beauty resides in the future.

Fall is of beautiful dying.

Winter is of starkness of death.

Spring is of rebirth from death.

This doesn’t mean you can find beautiful things to enjoy throughout any season.  Seasons simply remind us of the fact time does not stand still and no matter how hard we try and fill up the emptiness time offers us day in and day out … leaves fall, winter comes and spring arises.

I believe it is the Celtic wheel of the year describes this time of the year as Samhain — “the veil between the worlds is thin.” Just as several other cultures, they use his time to reflect upon “that which was.” In my pea like brain it is a celebration of navel gazing. It is an intentional event to purposefully explore the valuable relationship not only between Life and Death but the past and the future.

Listen to the cry of falling leaves,

            but winter breaks the silence

and warms us with words

of how to change it all

      before the Fall completely ends.

So, So

Look.

I don’t believe we do not celebrate death and dying because we think it is morbid. I tend to believe we do not traditionally do so because we, as in Western civilization versus Eastern, don’t celebrate reflection.

We treat reflection more as  a personal thing and not a larger more public event and celebration.

Should we celebrate reflection? Shit. I don’t know. But understanding that seasons can offer us enlightening thoughts about how we actually think about death & Life & holding on & letting go is surely not a bad thing.

As for Fall and Winter? I do not think of death and decay. I actually think of flowers.

Huh?

I credit Mark Strand for making me think Winter is the time to bring flowers into your Life as he describes Winter in his poem called Blizzard of One:

“A time between times, a flowerless funeral. No more than that …”

Mark Strand <Blizzard of One>

Every funeral deserves flowers. Every Winter deserves thoughts of Life. Ponder.