All Dollop-ed up with No Place to Go

Well.

(this is how Bruce starts a lot of his posts, and I didn’t want to startle anyone since I’m just “guest-ing”)

Is it just me, or are women’s magazines really just ONE magazine with different covers?  Granted, there are a few exceptions out there (Oprah readers, just stand down…), but after a week cooped up with the world’s worst sinus infection and every magazine I could find, I can confirm that many, many, MANY women’s magazines are indeed little clones of each other.

Let’s run down the list.

Health news:  same.

Beauty news:  same.

Fashion highlights:  same.

Diet news:  same.

Pick up any June issue and I bet you find a “summer beach read” list.  With the same books!

Try November’s “stay on your diet for the holidays and gift giving guide” or January’s “get your life organized for pete’s sake” double jumbo issue.

And don’t get me started on the “get ready for your summer bikini” madness.

Another weird thing:  They use the same pep-talk-y happy/upbeat vibe, the same choppy sentence structure, the same weird words — seriously, when was the last time you used “dollop” in a sentence?

It’s bugging me.

Are these insanely narrow topics truly the only things women are interested in hearing about (month after month after month)?  Is my brain degenerating, insisting I consume magazine “junk food” to keep up with my cheddar cheese Goldfish habit?

So.
(another Bruce-ism to keep you comfy…)

In the true spirit of American protest, let’s send a letter:

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Dear Clueless Editor People,

As  loyal readers who (for reasons unknown to herself or others) continues to plunk down $5 every month to read the EXACT SAME THING in every women’s magazine (seriously, how do you DO that?), and who are slightly ashamed to admit they read enough of your publications to make this request, we nevertheless hereby request an immediate BAN on the following:

ALL WEIRD WORDS

Slather, dollop, scrunch, quench, toss, slick, slake, frazzle, tresses (also “mane”), pop-of-color, sparkle, glide, frizz, spritz, dust, glam, smooth, sprinkle, glow, silky, drench, stress-busting, sun-kissed, (clearly this is a partial list…)

SNOOZER TOPICS

– Lose weight (in a second, a minute, whatever)
– Dress slimmer (in case the previous topic doesn’t work?)
– Just 5 minutes a day for “instant” results (for smooth skin, brighter eyes, better health, blah blah)
– Best beauty products (strange how the list CHANGES every month)
– Have better sex  (well…maybe this one is ok…)
– How to attract a boyfriend/spouse
– How to relate to your boyfriend/spouse
– How to break up with your boyfriend/spouse
– How to relate to your ex-boyfriend/ex-spouse
– Look younger now (!)
– Be happy now (!)
– Be friends with the mom/dad/family/in-law/children/best friend you hate
– Buy these crazy clothes in non-matching combinations no one would ever, ever wear out of the house.
– Pair the crazy clothes with shoes no sane, life-loving person would put on her feet
– Identify with all the 16 year old, size 0 models who do NOT look like any version of you who ever lived outside some alcohol-induced delusion.
– Etc. (you KNOW what we’re talking about!)

We realize this involves re-thinking 90% of your content, but zillions of women will thank you for not considering them lemmings headed toward the cliff whose happiness and self-confidence depends on losing 10 pounds in a day, looking 10 years younger right now, or having their thirst “slaked”, their moisturizer “slathered”, and their lip gloss “slicked”.

Sincerely,
The Women of America

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And there you have it people.

You know, I really could be a modern day crusader — fighting for the right of smart women everywhere to choose and enjoy well-written, intelligent content.

I’m thinking I’m that one sheep in the Far Side cartoon, shouting out to the flock, “Wait! Wait!  Listen to me!… We don’t HAVE to be just sheep…”

On the other hand, I gotta go finish reading “Walk off your Jiggle” now.

Plus the Fall apple pie recipes are out and my cheddar cheese Goldfish just might make a nice crust.