valentines day fairy tale ending constant-struggle

Happy Valentine’s day.

First. Let me be clear. I have never given cold hard cash to anyone on Valentine ’s Day <not even someone I was dating>.

Second. I cannot remember the last time I put some cash in a paper bag.



I remember now.


I say this because in 2014 NFL all pro Houston Texan Ed Reed withdrew $50,000 in cash from a Houston bank and put it in a paper bag. He then drove to another bank and left the money in the front seat of his car <a 2006 Audi by the way> while he briefly ran inside <presumably to get more cash ?>.

And when he came back out … DOH! … the money was gone.

Apparently the thieves knocked out the window on Reed’s 2006 Audi and took off with the cash.

…………. what the hell ???? ……..

Third. What the heck is someone who can actually withdraw $50 large in cash doing driving a 2006 Audi? 2006?

C’mon Ed … get with the program.

Regardless. I am thinking this is simply a Valentine ’s Day gift gone bad. And if Ed had called me I could have helped him out.

But there are some lessons for the men out there:

–          Always remember the relationship between men and valentine’s day

Strategically speaking … basically we men are idiots on valentine’s day <while Valentine's Day Consumer Buying Systemthat is the Valentine’s Day theorem underpinning … it could be argued that it is a daily theorem>.

I actually wrote about this:

Valentine’s Day plays an important role in a “stimulus-response” type model for men.

The day is a valuable stimulus to stop us from thinking solely with our dumb stick and with some random portion of our brain that isn’t being used for sports, work, alcohol, oogling (not ogling … there is a difference), mindless daydreaming or sleeping. The diagram I created clearly outlines how we think without Valentine’s day and then with Valentine’s day.

I began here just to suggest because we men struggle with Valentine’s Day itself … the gift is an added challenge which many of us are just not capable of rising to.

** note: the rough strategic VDay roadmap is sexist, includes sexism, and has been done so purposefully because 85%+ men are sexist, think of women in a sexist way, and, well, think about sex a lot. I state this because I have the utmost respect for women but wanted to show some of the male absurdity that exists.

–          My advice to men who put a lot of cash in a bag?



If I were to withdraw $50,000 from the bank in cash I would ask for a sack of quarters <okay … maybe dimes … but not pennies> so no thief can run off with it.

–          My advice to men who are going to give their loved one cash on Valentine ’s Day?

Not a paper bag.


Certainly you can spring for some fancy cloth bag <heck … you can get one from Whole Foods for less than 10 bucks> to lovingly place the $50000 in cash you are giving.

–          My advice for transporting said cash?


Don’t let it out of your sight.

I don’t care if your 2006 Audi has an innovative high tech 2026 security system which can Star Trek-like transport a perpetrator off to Siberia … you are holding on to that cash like it is the loved one you plan on giving it to as a valentine’s day gift.

–          My advice for giving cash as a gift?


valentines day dead flowers$50000 does kind of bend the rules on giving something as unsentimental as cash for Valentine ’s Day. Typically I could just end it here with “cash is unacceptable as a Valentine’s Day gift”.

But my perspective is misguided because most of us schmucks go to the bank and have a $200 limit withdrawal at the ATM so I am slightly unclear as to how sentimental a woman would feel if I handed her a bag with $50k in it.

But let’s assume after she came round from fainting at the sight of all those ones <outside the strip club to boot> she starts thinking that maybe you hadn’t really thought that much about … well … a thoughtful gift.

I could be way off base here, but, if you have $50k in cash you could probably splurge on the 50 Shades of Grey riding crop:

Fifty Shades of Grey Sweet Sting Riding Crop

Cost: £25.00

As seen in Britney Spears’ steamy video ‘Work B**ch’, this slender riding crop enlivens bedroom bondage, delivering sensual strokes and punishing spanks.


If you are lucky, really lucky, maybe she will be so focused on the riding crop she will forget you gave her cash for valentine’s day <albeit $50000 in cash>.

All that said. Let’s all hope Ed had a backup gift plan for his little lady.

I have an image of Ed running into the local grocery store at the last minute and buying a $12 pre-wrapped bouquet of grocery store red carnations and maybe stopping by the candy aisle and getting some of the Valentine’s Day M&M’s. Only to have her turn on the TV and see that someone had snagged her $50,000 cash in a bag valentines gift earlier in the day.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … tough night for Ed.valentines day grumpy

Just a quick reminder to everyone on Valentine ’s Day that no matter how bad your gift may be … it could be worse.

Happy Valentine ’s Day.




For some other thoughts on Valentine’s Day click on any of these:




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Written by Bruce