5 things witches have taught me about women

So.

 

This is the Halloween enlightened conflict edition.

 

Enlightened because it will clear up some common misconceptions about witches (and women …. i think).

 

Oh.

 

And simply because I elected to use the witches of Macbeth as the first image don’t get nervous … this will not be a deep literary study of witches and symbolism and high falutin’ stuff like that.

 

This is simply shallow learning to enlighten people with probably a good dose of conflict to be generated.

 

Conflict because I would be willing to bet I am gonna get smacked by one of my female friends.

 

Anyway.

 

 

The whole idea of knowing witches (I would imagine we all do) is interesting.

 

And, for me, it begins with black clothing.

 

Probably 75% of my closet is black.

 

And a corollary that I have always been drawn to women dressed in black.

 

And witches always wear black.

 

And all black. (how is that for logic?)

 

 

halloween-is-here-2016Oh sure.

I will admit.

 

Sometimes the black makes them a little difficult to see in the middle of the night but in general it helps maintain a mysterious appearance and an aura of mystique which has an allure.

 

In addition I would imagine there have to be mysterious scary heavy (oops … excuse me … witches of an ‘inappropriate weight for their body frame’ … gotta be careful … not to be PC or anything … but i am discussing witches ya know ..) .. witches ..  but black is so slimming they all look like they are ready for the Transylvanian beach at the blink of an eye (should a guy give them a broom with free air travel miles to go).

 

Black is a witch’s/woman’s best friend (that is a postulate or a theorem I believe … something to do with Einstein’s speed of light I think).

 

And therein lies my belief we can learn several things about women from witches.

 

So.

 

 

In honor of Halloween, witches and my unending love of women in general here are the top 5 things that witches have taught me about women:

 

1. Brooms:

 

Bottom line. Give a “hi –performance broom” (one with all the bells & whistles) to a witch and she will love you forever (or at least until the next model comes out).

Give a woman a broom (hi performance or not) and you are going to get smacked (or worse … sleep on couch … forever).

 

Apparently the difference has to do with perceived work performance value (or at least that is what I am netting it down to).  If you are going to give a broom to a woman as a gift it had better be for a business purpose and not for housekeeping. But I am not sure even if you give a woman a broom with the right intent or even an executive pen & pencil set that would be good either.

 

 

So.

 

Not sure what else to say here except … if you are going to give a broom to a woman make sure she is a witch.

 

2. Chocolate (or sweets in general):

 

 

Chocolate?

Are you shittin’ me?!? (at least that is what you are saying … because I know better).

 

Nope, i am not shittin’ you.

 

It is a little known fact but Halloween is Valentine’s Day in the witch’s world. Witchmates (a witch’s soul mate … because not all witch’s mates are warlocks) learned early on chocolate overcame a lot of relationship mistakes. And for a witchmate that was an important piece of learning (REALLY important I may add).

 

They discovered treating their witches well on Halloween translated into them being … well … less witchy. And the truth is that despite the fact witches and non-witch women believe guys don’t talk about anything other than beer & sports we do compare notes on how to screw up less with our mates.

 

So. Thanks to witches we now know how to keep all women from being witches.

 

 

3. Hats:

 

Witches have made me respect women who look good in hats. The famous witches of all time looked so goofy in their big floppy hats (but we didn’t dare laugh because they were mysterious and we were afraid of them) you thought “why do they wear them?” (Answer: because they could).

 

Nothing beats a woman who looks good in a hat. And if she wears a baseball hat you can be pretty sure she ain’t a witch cause I have never seen a witch in one.

 

 

4. Eating out:

 

 

You can pretty much expect if a witch is concocting something at home it is less likely to be a love potion then some type of “shrunken head” brew. Eating out also has the added bonus of giving them a break from concocting some potion and saving the eye of newt for another dining opportunity. Suffice it to say it is safer to eat out.

 

As a general rule this works with women also.

 

 

5. Confusing witch and bitch:

halloween-nightmare-jo

Let me begin with a simple truth …. never call a witch a bitch (or a bitch a witch for that matter).

 

And I mean … NEVER.

 

Trust me.

For example, little known fact, the Geico gecko is a New Zealand guy who had an unfortunate interaction with a witch in a bar.

 

 

So.

This is a Simple rule.

It is also, in general, a great rule for how you treat all women (whether they are a witch or not).

 

That’s it.

 

Just some learnings prompted by Halloween.

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Written by Bruce