a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me

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“What I fear I avoid.

What I fear I pretend does not exist.

What I fear is quietly killing me.

Would there were a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me, what is lost in me.

Let the light in before it is too late. “

—

 Jeanette Winterson from “The Green Man”

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“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.”

–

Andre Gide

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Ok.

There is no such thing as fearless and a fearless person is a … well … lie.

Oh.

Maybe there is with those badass guys who do special forces and know mental voodoo which enables to kick the shit out of people and not die.

But for most of us schmucks?

We all have some fear about something. And we are lying if we do not admit that. Now. It is quite possible we hesitate to embrace this thought because … uhm … it implies we have some coward within us.

Wow.

That sounds shitty.

Who the hell wants to ever say that about themselves? <answer: no one>

But maybe what helps us get over that cowardly angst is the recognition that it is actually fear of fear which probably causes more problems in our lives than fear itself.

That said.

I am not suggesting that makes it any easier in practicality just that maybe recognizing a monster is half the battle to killing a monster.

Anyway.

………… brainsnacks 5 fears we all have ………..

Some smart psychologist at Brainsnacks suggests there are 5 basic fears that everyone has:

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Fear of failure? Read it as fear of ego-death.

Fear of rejection? That’s fear of separation, and probably also fear of ego-death.

The terror many people have at the idea of having to speak in public is basically fear of ego-death.

Fear of intimacy, or “fear of commitment,” is basically fear of losing one’s autonomy.

Shame and guilt express the fear of—or the actual condition of—separation and even ego-death. The same is true for embarrassment and humiliation.

—

I thought that was interesting but most of us think about fear in our own ways, read books on how to deal with it and we either figure it out or we don’t.

And honestly … some do and some don’t.

I will suggest that facing fear is probably the biggest impediment to success <even beyond poverty, existing circumstances, etc.>.

We often give our fears far too much power by believing they are bigger than they really are.

Look.

I am not suggesting that fear doesn’t exist I am simply suggesting we often permit fear to take on superhuman powers and intergalactic sizes in our minds.

If you agree with that thought then it appears seeking to be successful may mean not actually eliminating fear … but simply making it into bite sized portions more easily swallowed.

Or maybe … would there were a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me.

Regardless.

Choose however you elect to deal with fear. But choose.

Because you don’t choose at your own peril <what I fear is quietly killing me >.

Here’s the deal.

All people fear failure.

Everyone.

And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.

There is no such thing as a fearless person.

It’s just that some people set it aside and go forth striving to seek something that lies somewhere beyond the fear.

Across the chasm as it were.

The French call this  “l’appel du vide” in French< compulsion to jump from high places or “the call of the void”>. But the truth is that ‘some’ does not equal ‘most.’ Not many people are truly tempted to jump from the edge into a void.

Most of us just talk about it <and we like talking about it>. But most do not do it. Not because they aren’t tempted by the challenge but rather because they fear what comes from stepping out into the void.

Do most people mind being challenged <attempting to do that which they have not done>?

Absolutely not.

The majority of people do like meeting challenges and that satisfaction which comes from meeting the challenge. I believe it is because you have not only ‘bested’ the challenge but you have also ‘bested’ the fear you couldn’t meet the challenge <even if it was only an inkling of fear>.

So there is certainly a level of personal satisfaction of ‘dealing with fear” … or maybe better said ‘facing the unknown’ that all people like.

However.

What about that ‘good fear.’

That big fear.

Stepping into the unknown fear?

Ok.

Remember.

Fear is defined as the emotional response to an actual or perceived threat of immediate or imminent danger or pain <or some derivative of the five I listed above>.

The capacity to experience fear is part of human nature that has been hard-wired into us.

Hardwired or not … the ‘big fear’ <whatever our personal fear monster may be> is debilitating to most people. It is a fact that a large number of people suffer the often debilitating impacts of fear and anxiety. They suffer a sense of being overwhelmed and helplessness leading to an inability to take action or make changes.

Interestingly I believe we tend to tie bravery and courage with being able to overcome that helplessness brought on by fear.

Well.

I don’t think that’s right.

In most cases it is more about having the ability to see <or conceptualize> what is somewhere across the chasm and using that as the focal point to step toward.

More often it is the ability to see the fear as … well … fear of fear and nothing more than that.

Regardless.

That’s not courage … that is simply focusing on what is important. Or, let’s say, an ability to focus.

I guess I find some support in my belief in that most individuals we look to as brave or courageous people openly admit that they were not free of fear when they faced the unknown <death or simply stepping into the unknown>.

They simply kept going with their plan of action, in spite of feeling scared, because they were generally resolute in their decisions, knew the risks attached to what they were doing and in many cases believed that their actions served a larger cause for a greater good.

People like that don’t lessen the fear … they simply accept it.

Patton once said this about equating bravery with a lack of fear:

“If we take the generally accepted definition of bravery as a quality which knows no fear, I have never seen a brave man.  All men are frightened.  The more intelligent they are, the more they are frightened.”

Anyway.

Fear is a real issue. As real as poverty, lack of education or some disease.

It is a real issue because, simplistically, the inability to overcome fear translates into a lower quality of life.

No shit.

Quality of life <and, me being me, I have some proof to back this up>.

Someone called fear the “…nameless, unjustified, unreasoning terror which paralyzes needed effort.”

And according to a psychologist quoted in a 2009 Psychology Today … “the inaction that stems from excessive, irrational fears or fear-based thinking often shows up as a decision to live life from a “safe” position and not take risks, even if that means forsaking opportunities that might provide greater joy and expansiveness to one’s life.”

No shit.

I tend to believe we lla sense that fear holds us back but also have a tendency to shrug our shoulders and say “if it were meant to be I would have done that something” as a justification for not facing our fear.

Well.

Maybe think about that choice a little harder next time.

The cost is high if you decide to not face your fear.

So.

Circling back to the beginning … people who have overcome fear have learned to focus on what is truly important … they have either faced their monsters or decided that they were less important then what they really wanted.

And I actually believe most successful people have done exactly this … these have faced their inner demons, monsters, and have asked them to come along for the ride instead of hiding from them <or being safe>.

Or.

They have had a festival for my fears, a ritual burning of what is coward in me, and found what is lost in me.

We all have fears. Accept it. Do what you have to do. Do what almost all of us do. Push on.

And know this:

85% of what we worry about ends up having a positive or neutral outcome. <research>